apexsenjason

[apexsenjason]

It never officially ended. It just faded away. For months, the phone calls had decreased, and our emails were only occasional. This was cyclical. I remember specifically in January and then that spring that we had gone weeks with minimal, almost no contact. On my end, I can say that the distance had started to wear on me a bit, as did lingering questions over some of the inconsistencies that she had told me over the years. Was my heart in it? We had already started and stopped the friendship/relationship in six years, that I think it may have just reached a point where (at least on my end) I wasn’t as committed to keeping it alive. But the timing of the relationship ending came just before I wanted to tell her some information. You see, I’ve had a crush on Mandy Moore for more than half my life at this point. At the time of the relationship ending, I had just won tickets to see a musician that I introduced her to (that she still really enjoys and whom she tagged me in months before I found her blog) open a show for Mandy Moore. It wasn’t just that I’d won a pair of tickets to see Mandy play. I had also won meet and greet passes to hear her soundcheck and meet her afterward. It’s something that should have brought about an ultimate crescendo in the jokes she’d make about the crush. I can hear her upbeat��“uh-huh”’s as I tell her about the meeting and the concert playing in my head and the casual jokes she’d make.  The part that I wouldn’t tell her is how I won them. At least the full story. Mandy was promoting a contest where fans would write essays on their worst breakups on a social networking site that never took off and a winner would be selected from each city. The stories were public (message board style) so I could see the stories I was competing against before I wrote my own. This is what I’d tell her. What I wouldn’t tell her is that the story was about our breakup. The first one. The one where I had made plans change based on circumstances that I still don’t understand because I couldn’t get true answers both because she wouldn’t provide them and because I was afraid to ask.  Our last correspondence involved her giving me her new phone number and me confirming that she had received it. She never heard about the tickets, the contest, the meeting with Mandy or the opener that we both still love. When I did a little digging to find answers to those questions, it led me here, and to her blog. I would cryptically leave comments on some of her posts and shoehorn in a few posts of my own about information that I knew she liked to get her to bite and reply to boost the conversation. I think she was smart enough to get that it was me behind this account, but part of me thinks I wasn’t obvious enough. Weirdly, at this moment, I’m not necessarily seeking the answers from before, but find myself oddly seeking her out, because even when things are imperfect, she’s pretty special.

[apexsenjason]

“You guys don’t have Good Friday off? Do Mormons not believe in Christ’s resurrection?” - our southern small town Texas employee, who moved here in the last year.

[apexsenjason]

I know that I’m way too old and way too single to ask this question, but is it okay to lose interest in a crush when you see her take a photo of her food (in the breakroom...leftover salad from a work event) or hear her refer to details as ‘deets.’ Just checking

[apexsenjason]

"I can count the number of people on both hands with fingers to spare that I'll pay $30 to see at a small venue, and I don't know if I'm ready to give her a spare finger." For the record, the list includes Rachael Yamagata (in 2017) and Jenny Lewis (later this year) and I don’t think Liz Phair is going to make the cut. I’ve passed on Sara Bareilles, Regina Spektor, KT Tunstall, Brandi Carlile and Aimee Mann/Fountains Of Wayne, (all but Sara and Regina at the same semi-pricey venue) and regret it a little, but overall am fine with it. I’m glad I splurged and spent $25 on Kasey Chambers in 2003, because it provided me with one of my favorite concert memories, and I doubt she’s coming through any time soon. The days of $8-12 concerts for touring bands are over for the most part, but it was fun while it lasted.

[apexsenjason]

A quick glance at my phone shows I just went 19 weeks between both sent and received text messages (May 31st- October 11th) and no telling how long between phone calls. To all of those urging me to get a smartphone, this is why I don't even need a *regular* phone. But that means I probably do need friends.

[apexsenjason]

https://www.yahoo.com/news/university-utah-lockdown-report-shooting-051428113.html This is a terribly tragic story. I watched this unfold last night and when it happens so close to home on a part of campus that you know well, it increases the emotion tied to it. A murder happened on campus on October 30th of last year, and due to the timing, there’s a lot of concern with the safety on campus. Although concerning, I have reminded friends of other dangerous places where this is an epidemic rather than an occurrence or an incident. We should feel lucky that our crime rate is as low as it is and that we’re as safe as we are, because all of the people who have moved here ‘because it’s safer than where I came from” know the other side of the coin.

[apexsenjason]

During staff meeting today: Staff: (regarding our birthday wall featuring staff and celeb birthdays last year) They had LeBron James' birthday up, but not mine even though they're on the same day! Me: Your birthday is December 30th? Staff: You know LeBron James' birthday?

[apexsenjason]

Many years, I have made a 52 song mix collection featuring one song per week of the year that was either meaningful to describe the week, or that was eventful for some reason, but usually it’s just a track that was stuck in my head for a portion of the seven days. Getting this ‘52 Songs In 52 Weeks’ mix together is happening, and it’s just starting to become the very tiniest bit overwhelming. I think this year I’ll just stick to the booklet with the reasoning behind choosing the song + the discs (maybe I’ll get crazy and add in Lightscribe discs) but pass on the painted wood boxes, the 4x6 canvas panels and custom cases that I did in the past. Sure, it’s a nice gift very early in the new year, but making more than a dozen is time consuming. I don’t have as many friends into mixes or even physical items as I used to, so maybe I’ll make five or six of the ‘art box’ type and give everyone else the bare bones booklet and discs. Still, it’s always fun to throw someone a little of the random music I’ve been thinking of during the year. Also, I had two of Third Eye Blind’s first three singles stuck in my head on my long walk home. I hope something comes along in the next few days so that they aren’t representing this week.

[apexsenjason]

I had a classroom aide who worked under me as an assistant for six months before she applied to be my co-pilot in the classroom. I didn’t feel she was anywhere near ready, but she was interested, had worked with me and knew many of our students, and as a bonus, she speaks Spanish, which 30% of our families feel most comfortable conducting meetings in. I had been tipped off that she would likely be my classroom aide, so I told her to attend the full time meetings rather than the part time meetings during training week, despite the fact that her paycheck wouldn’t kick in at her new rate until the end of the week. Immediately, she was in over her head. The curriculum programming for the kids was too hard, so most of it got put off. The parent meetings and the writing of the care plans was too confusing (admittedly, this year it was) so I conducted all of the meetings, with her primary input being interpreting and making a parent mad.  The school year starts, and on the third day (a Wednesday), our most challenging student officially starts, and she’s out. I get paged by another staff member to the student bathroom, and I see that she’s immensely struggling, and she takes a moment for herself. She’s assisting in another room that Thursday, and my supervisor meets with me after school and says she’s out. Some of our classroom challenges are too much, and she’s now placed in a classroom with fewer students, and with a different set of challenges. I have zero issue with her asking to be moved, because if she struggled in this environment, then I wanted her to thrive in a classroom where she may be more successful. They hired a new aide for me (with more experience, a quicker learning curve and a higher desire for the position) and I’ve really enjoyed teaching and working with her. The only issue I had with all of this was placement. My room has the maximum number of kids for our center (ten) and she moved to a classroom with just six. And despite what they told us last year, it’ll likely stay at six all year, and not magically fill up. The fact that they even allow a classroom to exist with 40% fewer kids, but then hold us all to the same performance evaluation standard is a bit absurd. Managing six parent meetings, reports, curriculum and data between two staff is significantly easier than splitting ten.  In addition, the lead teacher in the class my previous aide was moved to is frequently absent, and due to a pending family tragedy, it means the aide will likely be taking over the classroom for a number of months despite how new she is to the position. In short, there’s not a lot of rhyme or reason in the way things are going now. We’re hemorrhaging staff like crazy, and it’s wearing us out. We can’t effectively get our work done in the nine hours without students, and unlike everyone else, I’m not working on my lunch break, and I’m sure as hell not working at home, aside from printing materials from a printer I bought specifically for work and occasional activity ideas. 

[apexsenjason]

I have a surprisingly strong memory of being far younger than I should have been and listening to NPR or local talk radio coverage of the Clarence Thomas Supreme Court proceedings while my dad drove my mom to a local education gathering and we waited in the car for her to finish.

Now, 27 years later I found myself driving home from work, listening to the most recent proceedings and wondering if things would turn out any different. Anita Hill spoke here last night, and I wish I had been aware of it earlier. It received more attention due to recent events with nominee Kavanaugh, and though the appearance wasn’t recorded, the quotes that have come out of it have given me tremendous respect for those who are willing to speak out about an injustice that has occurred.

[apexsenjason]

From September 11-17, I had successfully consumed just the eight grams of sugar in a pair of salads until being tempted by donuts that a parent brought in.

[apexsenjason]

9:00, I drop my car off at the dealership (first time working with a dealership for a repair) for a part that affects the person in the passenger seat. My mother is the only person who sits in it (and even then, it’s just for fourteen block bi-weekly trip to the grocery store) unless I have a rare social afternoon and a friend sits in the car. Knowing it’ll take *four hours* I opt to walk around downtown, as I haven’t done that in years. Have you ever just taken a walking tour of your city? It changes how you look at it. In my case, I appreciate certain things more.  At 12:30, I head back into the dealership, expecting things to be nearly done. Apparently they aren’t. I wait until 2:50 before heading back out and taking another tour of the city, gazing at the costumed people attending the local Comic-Con (or whatever they renamed it to after the lawsuit) and begin second-guessing not attending (it would’ve been my first), knowing that this repair I didn’t ask for has now taken more than six hours. At four, I come back in, and wait at the counter. Nobody. So I sit down and watch the second football game of the day (the first was the UCLA/OK St) for twenty minutes, before heading back to the counter when I see someone show up. “I brought my car in here at nine, and was wondering when it’ll be done” He got my number, confirmed the repair, and then (rushed and very quietly) says it’s his fault, and it had been done for hours. Fuck. So now, I’m realizing that my car has probably been finished for about half a day and I’ve been killing time meandering the city (twice), watching college football blowouts and Lone Ranger reruns at the dealership because some doofus left my paperwork in the wrong pile.  I was kind, aside from some passive-aggressive sighs and noises, but I didn’t get out of there until almost 4:30. I lost a full day. On top of that, my airbag light is on after one of the things they looked at was the airbag, but I’m not wasting another day at the dealership because of some damned indicator light. At least not without a sleeping bag and a pillow.

[apexsenjason]

I feel that if somebody does something nice for you but that it’s ultimately for their benefit (and they say as much) and it’s something you never wanted in the first place because it’ll cost you about 4 1/2 hours of your day...I don’t feel that you owe them a ‘thank you.’

[apexsenjason]

Our school nurse has asked me twice in less than a week how my dating life is and if I had doubled back on my decision to avoid dating online.  I haven’t. I told her last week that I want the romantic story that when someone asks how we met, it’s more than, “we met online.” Not that there’s anything wrong with that. In addition, I’ve seen way too much deception with regard to online meetings to turn me off of it for a lifetime.  Really, all of my time is spent either at work or away from people at home. My friends are all married, and getting together is nearly impossible. Not because their lives have changed in dramatic ways (same spouse, house, job, offspring status) but because it’s changed in the manner of isolating ones self. I hadn’t seen one pair in nearly 2 1/2 years (four months before I started writing here) until we met up at the stand up gig of a mutual friend. And one of the people I met up with there? It’d been three years. Tangent aside, I think I’ve defaulted to not dating, because I’ve spent so much of my life being single that I don’t know any different. It’s weird for me having to plan going to dinner, a concert, movie or other event with another person, that I’ve just gone solo. Although you don’t know what you have until it’s gone, it’s equally true that you can’t miss something you’ve never really had. 

[apexsenjason]

Our new staff member is left-handed. Translation: well worth waiting six months to replace our last staff.

[apexsenjason]

It shouldn’t be a surprise that Sara Bareilles is what finally gets me to watch the Tony Awards.

[apexsenjason]

Girls need to start appreciating the Jason... seriously. - Chelsea