aplacetoclearmyhead-blog
i needed to write
a mom & recovering addict
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I'm so tired of people getting upset with me when AS A MOTHER i ask them not to do/say things to/around my daughter. She is my baby and you either do what I say or stay away from her. I shouldn't get anxious about making someone mad when I DONT LIKE SOMETHING. This isn't me asking you not to fold my laundry a certain way this is my CHILD.
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arm under my neck
holding my shoulder
other arm holding my stomach
leg between mine
chest pressed against my back and bum
cheek resting on mine
you couldn't get close enough
-i still sleep in the same position
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I read my daughter poetry
And sing her trevor hall
I play her delta waves to sleep
And bathe her in salt crystal light
She will learn peace in everything
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I thought i could live with the pain
Until I had my daughter
I didn't want anyone doing to her what he did to me
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Ive known pain
a sprained ankle, fractured wrist, root canals
nothing compares
to the never ceasing ache
that just wont heal
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i finally understand when people say they have an ache
I've been aching for four years because you left
a scab that my brain picks at every day
we still talk, youre friendly
and i ache even more
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my geography teacher
a family friend
my mom's coworker
my high school math teacher
the maintenance guy at my apartment building
-men who took advantage of a young, broken girl
(-there are more, but I kept it short for poetry)
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its all fun and games
until they take harmless flirting
too seriously
and their sweaty hands
end up on your ass
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when i graduated in 2015, i was 17. a few days after graduation my friend and i went to our math teachers house. we drank his alcohol and smoked weed with him. my friend had sex with him, I sucked his dick because i was on my period. he was persistent but i said no and he didn't force anything. afterwards we stole a bottle of champagne from his fridge, one of his shirts and a sweatshirt. we drove to a party cabin and told a few people. later that night i needed a place to sleep so i went back to his house and spent the night in his bed with him. he cuddled with me. he kept touching me. the entire night i was sick to my stomach. not enough alcohol to numb my brain. in the morning he made me breakfast. he wanted to kiss me. i sucked his dick again. i left. i had to get out of there. i went to college. there was an investigation. no evidence, no real case. football players defended him. 5 years later and it still makes me sick. my sister had him as a teacher. girls i used to babysit have and will have him for a teacher. one day, my daughter might be in his class. because i didnt say anything to anyone who cared. i didn't tell anyone how sick it made me. i didnt tell anyone i felt like i had been sexually assaulted. i got drunk and high and drunk and high and nothing helped. this man is not a good man. throughout school he'd be there for us emotionally when things went wrong. he gave out his phone number to my female friends. students thought he was cool, funny. he gave a check to my friend on graduation, but to no other female graduates. no one, male or female, in a position of power should ever take advantage of anyone who looks up to them. especially when theyre drunk. he wasn't stupid. he knew we were emotionally broken. but he didn't care. anything to sleep with 2 students at once, right?
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I talk about things that happened in my past like they were a blue sky, a shoe being untied, losing an earring. instead of what they actually were: abuse, traumatic, heartbreaking. I downplayed my emotions to seem strong, tough. on the inside im as broken as the wine glass i threw on the ground. I couldn't even find all the pieces until i stepped on them.
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I've lost four babies in my life
the first a choice, the rest, accidental
but my mind, my body, wasnt ready
for the miracle you are
until I got sober
and cared enough to change my life
for you
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i feel like I've held you in my soul for my whole life
something was missing and
you filled the hole
the minute I could hold you.
how can you only be three months
when I've known you a lifetime?
forever my love, forever.
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being a single mom is the hardest
most powerful thing.
yes it is hard
but it is you and i against the world
baby.
-unconditionally
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how do you know your first love?
-when you still love them today
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