aplatonic-stuff

[aplatonic-stuff]

Questionning aplatonic culture here

So there's this person I know. I won't say we're friends, but we're...Acquitance. I don't know if I even love them (them is using as a way to make them anonymous, it isn't their preferred set of pronouns), but I like their company.

Recently I asked them if they hated me, then, after they told me they found me incredible, I asked them if we were friends.

I loved how cautious they were. How they told me, they see me as one but that is a decision that should be take together. It made me feel more safe and more loved and more reassured on my insecuties than any "you're a great friends !!" could have.

Just for that I wish I could like/love them back.

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[aplatonic-stuff]

being aplatonic in the 21st century means being a very solitary child/teenager at school and everyone justifying it with "oh but at least you have lots of online friendships, right? that's normal now. you get your socialization online?" no. no mutuals. no discord. no multiplayer games. gtfo and dont bother me again.

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[aplatonic-stuff]

(╹ -╹)? so what would your suggestions for writing an aplatonic character be?

Hmm... Okay well, maybe this is a bad point to start off on, because it involves me making an assumption about whoever is reading this, but I'm going to start with it anyway because it's what I thought about first. I figure that if you're asking this question, there's a pretty high chance you're some flavor of aspec. I think alloplatonic aces and/or aros are the ones most likely to want to give other aspecs representation. And if that is the case and you are somewhere on the a-spectrum, the biggest thing I can say is that if you ask me, all aspec experiences are the same. Like yes, the way society treats romance, sex, friendship, family, etc are all different and so being aro, ace, apl, afam, etc are all different, but so many of the basic experiences repeat.

You hear a lot of aces and aros talk about how they either picked someone at random to say was their crush as a kid, or they just picked the person who seemed nicest. They weren't aware that other people didn't choose one by some method, they had actual feelings for them they couldn't control. Similarly, when I ended up in different classes and a different lunch than all my friends in school and quickly discovered that if I didn't want to have lunch alone, I needed to make new friends, what did I do? I found a person who had a lot in common with me (at the time, being very good at school and coming from a conservative Christian background) and went "yeah, I should probably try and be her friend." There was absolutely no emotional desire—it was just logic.

And a lot of this applies to all queer identities, honestly. How many stories do we hear about someone coming out as bi, and their mom says "oh, I just thought everyone was interested in girls and boys?" We all just assume that our experiences are normal. So just as a trans person might have assumed that everyone feel disconnected from their bodies or an aromantic might assume that crushes are exaggerated to create drama in media, an aplatonic might assume that everyone only really cares about their friends when they're there and doesn't miss them when they're gone. They probably aren't going to understand why some people are so reluctant to try new things if they don't know anyone there, because to them, whether they're surrounded by strangers or friends doesn't make much difference. Etc.

So that's one thing I'll say. You can very much take your own experience of what queerness is like and map it onto the norms about friendship.

I think one thing that is important to mention is that if we are comparing to other aspec experiences, you'll see a lot of narratives, both in fiction and real life, where aro and ace characters have never been in those kinds of relationships because they never wanted them. That's almost impossible to have as an aplatonic. Even if you were the kid who was ostracized for one reason or another, there's always that one exception. People will try to adopt people who have no friends. People will declare themselves your friend even if you just see them as "that person I carpool with to rehearsal and talk to sometimes." It is almost never socially acceptable to say "no, actually I don't want to be friends." If you're a child, you'll often get punished for it; if you're an adult, you usually have to nod along to whatever they say and pretend to care and hope that eventually they notice that you'd prefer to be left alone. Obviously aplatonics with friends and who like having friends exist (hell, I'm one) but even those who don't tend to have someone just because it is extremely hard to be completely left alone if you participate in anything at all. And even if we might not consider the people we do hobbies with or talk to sometimes friends, that doesn't always go both ways.

And of course, you do need some kind of support network in the world. If you're alloromantic, aplatonic, and monogamous, you might want your partner to be the person who meets all of your needs and is everything for you... but that might not be practical. They might not like that. And if you're not in that kind of relationship, you may end up having friends for utility. It's easier to find a sexual partner if you can go along with also being their friend. Again, you might want someone to talk to about a hobby or shared interest, and in order to get that, you also have to perform the role of friendship.

The whole idea of friendship needing to have a purpose or reason or place is a big thing to me. Like, as a kid, I didn't make any friends in my dance classes for years, and I didn't care because in my eyes, I wasn't there for socialization, I was there because I liked to dance. So who cares? But meanwhile, at lunch in school? Friends have a purpose at lunch. You need a place to sit, and you need something to entertain you while you eat. So finding people to be with at lunch is important. Recess is the same way. At work? I have absolutely no interest in being friends with my coworkers. I'm at work to do work. Even if I have downtime, I still generally want to spend it on some other kind of "work" like writing. If I want to friend, that's a separate activity. I friend in my free time.

So to me, being aplatonic means I think about people's specific roles in my life and what they fill, instead of just the vague idea of friendship and that I like having people around. One friend is useful as a writing partner who I do writing sprints with. Another is nice because they're in a different time zone, so they're often awake and around during the part of work where I get bored and all my friends are asleep. Another has known me through all my mental health struggles and is generally a great listener, so they're useful to talk to about that stuff because they already have all the necessary context and immediately understand things. And yeah, as I mentioned before, another is just a really good lay, but we aren't going to only screw for twelve hours straight, so friendship does happen in the breaks in between.

And a final note — being aplatonic means I really don't mind leaving people behind. If someone moves away? I enjoyed them while it lasted, but I'm not going to be super inclined to keep things going. There are plenty of other fish in the sea. A play I'm in ends, so I won't be seeing that group of people every day anymore? Even though I really enjoyed working with them, I'm not going to mind or miss them especially. If someone actively ends a friendship with me? Well that's different. That's a form of rejection, and could be the result of me hurting them in some way or an argument that went badly. All of that is going to sting, if nothing else, because it's a form of failure. I did something wrong. But if circumstances change or we just grow apart? I'm not going to mind.

I've said this before, but that's the aplatonic story I'd really like to see. So many stories are about people who go on some big quest or adventure, and in the process it ends up creating these strong unbreakable bonds between them. They're closer than brothers now. They will never be separated again. You can see that everywhere from Lord of the Rings to Shrek and Donkey. I want to see the story where the group gets along well and they accomplish everything they set out to do, but at the end they all go their separate ways again. There aren't any hard feelings. If they run into each other again in their travels, they'll greet each other happily. They wouldn't mind working together again. But they aren't trying to stay together or stay in touch, either. It happened, and now it's over, and they're more than happy to move on.

... Shit that was long. Well I hope it was helpful!

[aplatonic-stuff]

My aplatonic experience is realizing I can say no to people. I don't need to force myself to make friends. I don't need to pretend to be someone's friend to please them. I don't need to accept the random friend requests I get after one convo with someone. I can say no. I don't need to keep pretending.

Its nice

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[aplatonic-stuff]

my rather specific aplatonic experience is regularly guiding random new players around in videogames so they get a good experience and because its fun :D and then they ask to be friends D: and i just gotta smile and nod and accept the friend request and log off until theyre gone and hope they forget i exist.

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[aplatonic-stuff]

to be honest, the "nonfriending character gets befriended" trope is kinda weird and rubs me the wrong way. cause it promotes the idea that the person is lying or broken in some way, and that having friends will "fix" them and is morally positive. [atleast that's how it tends to go.] cause it may cause a person to see a nonfriending person, and feel the need to be friends with them to "fix" them. maybe i'm too woke but idk

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[aplatonic-stuff]

I only realized I was aplatonic after experiencing platonic attraction for the first time. It made me realize that I didn't actually understand what people meant by "platonic attraction" or "squish", and I had a pretty funny few weeks of going "wait so is THAT why (thing related to friendship in media or culture or my past)" as well as marvelling over how intense my feelings were compared to what I'd assumed all friendships felt like. I have a more specific label on the aplatonic spectrum (might use a second tbh) but honestly I just like describing myself as aplatonic because I vibe with it a lot more. I'm not sure how I feel about having more friends in the future but I'm glad I was able to figure my aplatonicism out because it was really, really obvious in hindsight. Guess who needed to be told that some people enjoy and seek out and view friendships the way it enjoyed and sought out and viewed romantic relationships and still. Didn't. Get it.

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[aplatonic-stuff]

I’m so glad to have found this blog, I found a label called abroplatonic thinking it might be me but I didn’t quite understand what platonic attraction quite meant I was thinking of it in a queerplatonic way and not a platonic way, but this blog helped me understand I am most definitely abroplatonic

I often switch between wanting friends and not wanting any friends, it’s a never ending cycle of this, thankfully I have some good friends that when I need to I can just stop talking to for a while until I’m ready to come back to and everything will be fine within our friendship due to a deep understanding, respect, and platonic love we have for each other (which sometimes they platonic love is just one sided) but I still care about them in a way

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[aplatonic-stuff]

I hate how being a polite, genteel, conscientious person and a good conversationalist often puts me in the position of being someone's "only friend."

This isn't fair to either of us, because I don't have the emotional capacity to meet their needs without draining my own resources to an untenable degree, and they deserve better than that.

[aplatonic-stuff]

While there may be timezone differences, I wish all my fellow apples a pleasant aplatonic visibility day! Be sure to treat yourselves. You deserve it for constantly having to put up with platonormativity! ^_^

Today, I will be treating myself to some jello

Cuz I like it :3

[aplatonic-stuff]

identifying with aplatonic is just really healing for me. I was okay with being aromantic but I always found myself constantly trying to prove to myself that I was still a valid human person. Like the aro Jaiden Animations video helped people discover their aromantisism, but it also made me go "guys im not a monster i still love people haha! actually, I totally feel it WAY more because I'm aromantic! it's just a little quirk haha. please dont hate me" so much. I HAD to value friends above everything and I HAD to get into qprs, or else I had nothing to justify my lack of feelings. I kept trying to act how I felt normal people were supposed to. Finding aplatonic people like me makes me feel less alone and I FINALLY started to accept myself UNCONDITIONALLY. I'm still trying to fight back against people having to justify aromantism on a set of conditions, because it really does hurt everybody. I hope more people will see us one day.

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[aplatonic-stuff]

my aplspec experience is feeling comfortable hanging out with a group of acquaintances and it's all nice and chill until they suddenly refer to me as my friend. like whoa wait we just... ate lunch together... and crossed the street together... what about that constituted Friend already

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[aplatonic-stuff]

aplspec experience where i prefer it when friendships are transactional/when i can frame them as such it makes it so much easier for my autistic ass to deal with

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[aplatonic-stuff]

I’m aplatonic and like these blogs but there’s just. never any descriptions of good experiences? it’s kind of sad but uh. I love just going to events and talking to people freely without the pressure of ‘I want to be friends with them’ just the feeling of ‘there are things to talk about and I’ll talk about them with anyone’ I really like it and. Just . yep. Good experiences there

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[aplatonic-stuff]

my aplatonic experience is. having this mental tier-list of people i know, each ranked based on my emotional proximity to them (like how often we talk, how comfortable would i be venting to them, how much do i know about them, how long have we known each other, etc. there's a lot of criteria points). the thing is, it is highly, HIGHLY rare for someone to move *up* the tier-list (in other words, get even more emotionally close to me). it is very common, tho, for someone to move *down* the tier-list.

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[aplatonic-stuff]

I really like chatting with people however the eventual commitment to a friendship that comes with it is if done consistently is so…gough. That shit scares me bc eventually that makes me have to explain to people I really don’t feel the same way about them and really can’t be forcing myself to hold a relationship I can’t feel the same care for. I realized today that’s probably why I really like roleplaying so much, I might roleplay with someone for a long time and have a lot of ooc chatting with them but it’s not deep in the slightest—it’s so much more awesome for me. \o/

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[aplatonic-stuff]

i feel like this might be a bit offensive, and i'm super sorry if it is but

How does friends work as an aplatonic person? like do you not have friends, or do you have friends but don't feel connected (like afamilail but with friends) or is it a spectrum like ace/aro?

I don't think this is offensive, but thank you for being polite!

I would say that aplatonicism is definitely a spectrum the same way that ace/aro is, and that people have a variety of feelings and gradations and ways they interact with others regarding their aplatonic nature.

I'm happy to share my own experience with you here about the connections with people I have that would be assumed to be 'friends'.

Crushes: These are what I have in place of what would socially be considered "good friends". This is a small group of people that I am invested in maintaining an ongoing, close relationship with on a permanent/semi-permanent basis. These are the people I think about when they're not there, the people I remember to check up on and ask how they're doing, the people I'd be happy to help out when they're in a difficult situation, the people whose problems I'll happily listen to.

You are probably thinking "that just sounds like normal friends" but I am not done. They are also the people I have to be very careful with my level of intimacy around, because I am emotionally attracted to them. These are the people who I have to be careful not to cross romantic boundaries with. The people I have to be careful not to impulsively kiss. The people I have to be careful not to impulsively invite to live with my partner.

These are people whom I am attracted to romantically, but have to be careful not to cross boundaries with because it is socially inappropriate. And sometimes I still screw up and accidentally cross those boundaries.

These are the people I feel warm affection for, and would refer to as 'friends' if asked (despite it being somewhat inaccurate.)

Buddies/Pals: These are what I have in place of what would socially be considered "friends" but not close friends. These are people whom I'm familiar with through recreational pursuits or through families ties and other social connections. I enjoy their company when we're in direct contact, but I easily forget to check up on them outside of the context of our social/recreational relationship. I don't have any interest in an intimate relationships (sharing difficult life moments, interacting outside of shared hobbies) and it feels awkward and uncomfortable if they try to deepen the intimacy of our relationship in a way where it's obvious they're trying to rely on me as a close friend. 

I feel a temporary, easily faded affection for these people when we're interacting positively. I prefer to use the terms buddies or pals for this group of people, unless in a situation where it would be considered impolite, or in a situation where "friend" is obviously not being used to imply an actual close relationship.

Acquaintances: People I'm familiar with in my life and am polite to. Coworkers, family I don't see very often, people in social circles I'm connected to that I don't share any common interests with.

I don't feel any affection for these people.

I hope that makes sense! Please feel free to send follow up questions if you like.