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AUDIT

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Them

I miss them yall 😔

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Buck unties the apron and hangs it up before uncovering the pot of chili. The scent is exactly the same and, a quick taste test later, is as close to what Bobby used to make as he can get it.

Taking a deep breath, he makes himself smile as he turns around and announces, "Dinner's ready."

"Not hungry, Buck," says Chimney on the couch.

Hen is at the table poring over paperwork. "Thanks, Buck, but I don't know if I have the appetite right now."

Buck swallows down the disappointment. "Right. Okay, uh, I-I'm just gonna leave that on the island. Help yourselves to it when you get hungry."

Gerrard and Eddie walk out of the office at that point and Gerrard sniffs the air. "Buckley, you made dinner again?"

"I've washed the dishes and utensils I used already, sir." Buck keeps his expression as pleasantly neutral as he can. "Would you like some?"

Gerrard harrumphed. "Well, I would. But I'll serve myself.."

After Gerrard takes a bowl and walks back to his office to eat, Eddie wanders over and plops into the chair next to Hen.

"Can't believe you're cooking for that old geezer," Eddie says.

"I'm not cooking for him, I'm cooking for everyone on shift." Buck stirs his chili. The color is rich and the scent decadent. He wants to throw up.

Eddie rolls his eyes. "Well. At least he appreciates it."

"You can have some too," Buck says quietly. "I'm not stopping you from getting a plate."

"Nah. Think I'll just order a burger, I'm gonna head home soon." Eddie stands.

Buck slaps his ladle on the counter.

He doesn't know why he did that. Abruptly, he stands and heads to the kitchen island to grab a dishrag to wipe away whatever mess he made.

"You don't have to be passive aggressive about me eating something else," Eddie says.

A bowstring in the depths of Buck's mind snaps. He grabs the pot of chili and dumps the lot of it, pot and all, into the trash.

He stares at the hours of work he's just discarded, and swallows down the tears before turning around to go downstairs, except the three others are now all standing and staring at him, like he's gone mad.

Maybe he has. Who the fuck cares.

Eddie has his hands on his hip. "What's with the dramatics now, Buck?*

"None of you want it anyway. Why should I bother?" Buck snaps.

"Buck, we just weren't hungry," Chimney starts, but falters when Buck glares at him.

Hen steps closer. "Buck, you didn't have to throw the food away."

"Do you even know what I made?" he demands.

All of them are silent. Buck feels another bowstring break.

"I made chili. Bobby's chili. With his secret ingredient," Buck says. "Hours. Washing, chopping, cooking. No one asked."

"Buck, we were busy," Chimney offers weakly.

"I know, I went out on the same calls as you. I mopped up the bay floors, took inventory, rolled the lines. I did my job and I cooked." Buck gulps down the sour frustration in the back of his throat. "I cooked for us. But I guess I should know better by now."

"You're gonna make it about you again, Buck?" Eddie sounds exasperated. "We've talked about this."

"No, we didn't. You accused me of it, just like you're doing now, and so what if I'm making it about me?" Buck explodes. "Am I not allowed to feel emotions? Am I supposed to just grin and bear it? To let you say those things like they don't hurt?"

The silence that falls over them is deafening.

Buck can't even look at them. "You think I don't know I'm being irrational and obsessive about all this? I don't know what to do! I don't know what to do, and there isn't anyone I can ask, but I am trying! I'm trying and I get no acknowledgement of it. Every time I reach out, you guys just brush me off or, or talk about me behind my back, like I am not mature enough to handle difficult topics. Like I'm a child."

"Buck, that's not -"

"It is, Hen, and you know it is. But I have a duty. I have to... I have to, I have to check in on Chimney, and on you, and I don't even know how to approach Athena but I will have to, and I have, I have to think about, think about how Eddie feels, what he thinks, because otherwise he would hide important stuff from me, his so-called best friend, and he gets angry when I find out even though he's the one hiding secrets, a-and work goes on, and no one eats together anymore, and I'm trying. I am trying so hard to keep the 118 as it was, but I can't do it."

"No one asked you to," Hen says gently, reaching for his shoulder, but Buck bats it away and steps back.

He stares at her bleakly. "Bobby did."

The atmosphere chills about ten degrees. Buck hugs himself. "Bobby told me... He told me I'm gonna be okay. That you guys would need me." He can't stop the tears now but he doesn't care, he's so tired. "But you don't. None of you do. And I don't think I'm gonna be okay, not anymore."

Eddie takes a step forward and Buck backs up. Incredulous, Eddie stares and folds his arms. "And you think any of us are gonna be okay?"

"I didn't say that-"

"So what are you saying? That you're special and your feelings are unique?"

"You weren't here," Buck spits out, cutting Eddie off.

Eddie goes pale and tense. "Buck, don't you throw that in my face-"

"You weren't here when Bobby fired me and took me back into the 118. You weren't here when he showed me that he believed in me. He was... He was the one who guided me through my first real relationship, and he had... He'd..." Buck wishes he could grab someone and point them to all the things Bobby's taught him. "The last thing he said to me... The last thing he said to me, was 'I love you, kid'. He was proud of me and he loved me, which is so much more than my own father ever showed. In every way except for blood, Bobby was my dad. And everything I've done since that night was to prove that... That I could live up to his expectations, but I can't, and I'm sick and tired of having to be okay, when I'm not, of trying to be the one you guys can reach out to, but none of you even have a hand outstretched, and I know I'm not Bobby, I can't be him, but all I wanted was for us to have a meal together, like the family he made us."

Hopelessly aware that he's a blubbering mess, Buck scrubs his palms over his eyes and cheeks before he pushes past Eddie and a silent Hen.

Chimney reaches out to him. "Buck -"

"I'm done, Chimney. You guys eat whatever you want. Do whatever you want. I'm done."

He tears down the steps and runs out of the firehouse. It's not about the chili. It never was about the chili.

But he wishes they had taken some and they could have eaten together.

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i cant be held

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i think edd would tweet this

Happy 10th birthday to the best tweet of all time.

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Alas kris is too short to do the same to susie

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day 496

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SOTD #7! TomMatt <3

The perfect mix between Jazz and Hip-Hop, both of which are genres I associate with Matt and Tom. :) Suave, groovy as fuck, and elegant. The wah-wahs from the guitar, bassline, the rhythm? Chef's KISS.

Music In My Mind pt 2 by Jazz Liberatorz on Spotify and YouTube! I've still yet to listen to part 1. :) AND I’ve yet to check out more of their music. So so freakin good dude.

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TOMEDD!!!!!!!!!!!

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im good at arting and being productive ! (lying)

i drew this instead of sleeping isnt that awesome..

i hope my handwriting is legible or i die..

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do you think bjorn likes tomee bear?

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obligatory cat content

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tord gets high and emotional in edd's closet o_O

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i drew this instead of sleeping isnt that awesome..

i hope my handwriting is legible or i die..

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I did a little doodle of Violent Vanity and I really like how it turned out :3 They’re out on a date and Matt is bringing Tord to every place she knows