apricatist

[apricatist]

《 계속 따뜻한 눈빛으로 날 봐주겠니？ 어쩌다 힘이 빠질 때면，오히려 웃어 줬는데。 》

𝒄𝒐𝒖𝒍𝒅 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒌𝒆𝒆𝒑 𝒍𝒐𝒐𝒌𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒂𝒕 𝒎𝒆 𝒘𝒊𝒕𝒉 𝒚𝒐𝒖𝒓 𝒘𝒂𝒓𝒎 𝒈𝒂𝒛𝒆? 𝒘𝒉𝒆𝒏𝒆𝒗𝒆𝒓 𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒏𝒈𝒔 𝒈𝒆𝒕 𝒅𝒊𝒇𝒇𝒊𝒄𝒖𝒍𝒕, 𝑰'𝒍𝒍 𝒔𝒎𝒊𝒍𝒆 𝒂𝒕 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒊𝒏𝒔𝒕𝒆𝒂𝒅.

𝒅𝒆𝒂𝒓，

I wish we lived in the same understanding. not everything is as it seems一 the example I've always raised.. is that what if peter pan was the guardian of the afterworld, and wendy's return only meant she chose to stay.. for her parents, for the life she left behind, for the things she has yet to experience? everyone's got their own story and makes their own choices.. what if there's really more to it than meets the eye, what if i told you Alice in Wonderland was based off mental illness and drugs: creating a whole other world that doesn't exist?

“you're still young, when you grow older; you'll understand,”

“you'll understand once it happens to you,” “baby, you'd most likely make the same choices.”

these are all words I'm sure you're sick of hearing, and words you dismiss easily because it comes from me, your parents or some other people who didn't know how to deliver the blows softly, people who can't seem to understand just how much you're struggling.

resentfully, you asked me once why I didn't stop you despite predicting the consequences; as if you would've listened. you didn't pick up on any of the hints I left you, and you were happy about your choices during the time you made them. I shouldn't be teaching you how to live your entire life, and even if I could, I wouldn't. if not them, someone else would've appeared. lessons you are meant to learn will force themselves on you. the only ways I can be there for you is to cushion your fall during it's reign, support you in a few ways, and perhaps, drop you suggestions and help you figure out the route you want to take. no one in your life should be your direct answer, not even your parents. you are the only person who will walk yourself through the entirety of it.

the first time we argued, you promised to never become me; wondered why I was always so busy or exhausted, said a lot of harsh words and left me remembering long after you forgot. a year later, you walked the exact path you said you wouldn't, “that no one can help it,” and I'm sure you wouldn't know how much it stung. just like this, I've been waiting for everyone.

I know it hurts, and I'm aware everything is uncertain and it's definitely a slap in the face if someone sounds as though they know more; that they're trying to push you in some sort of way, even if they had good intentions.

everyone says that if someone truly loves you, they'd find a way to stay. this saying leaves everyone hurt, conflicted and confused. you could love each other to hell and back yet still be incompatible.

I don't think there's a need to find fault with whoever was right or wrong after something ends: in friendships, romance, familial bonds, whatever. everything done.. was surely for the hope of receiving it back or fortifying a bond, just like how we all crave love.

I hope you forgive me for all the times I sound like your father or talk in ways you dislike, just like how I truly hope you get everything you endeavour for, and at the end of all those journeys.. ; when your youth and naiveté fades, that all remains to be the same as it always is, and you've received more than enough to soothe the pains you've encountered.

I hope you always remember, we're trying our best to look out for you and to create a safe space where you can be yourself, and in the best case scenario, have it easier sailing through.

all the things you have yet to understand, you will.

just take your time, and learn what you have to, at a pace that's not rushing to grow up. i still believe that for someone to retain their kindness and naivety, it’s because someone else suffered a lot more to protect it.

mature kids always suffer a lot more, because they have no idea how to admit it hurts and nobody asks if what they're carrying is heavy when they do it so well.

𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒖𝒏𝒊𝒗𝒆𝒓𝒔𝒆 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝑰 𝒍𝒐𝒗𝒆 𝒚𝒐𝒖.

there's no way you can exist, and still not believe in miracles.

— by j. kaien

[apricatist]

jeong jaehyun. 1997

[apricatist]

4:37am. I can't sleep without you.

— by j. kaien

[apricatist]

are you still bothered by thoughts like these?

…

imagine this: one day, you meet someone who wants to give you the best our world has to offer.. and you will just have to be yourself to deserve it, without being asked for anything in return. i wish you knew how easy to love you are. i look at you and find myself thinking,

"𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒂𝒓𝒆 𝒓𝒆𝒂𝒍𝒍𝒚 𝒔𝒐𝒎𝒆𝒐𝒏𝒆 𝒘𝒉𝒐 𝒘𝒂𝒔 𝒃𝒐𝒓𝒏 𝒕𝒐 𝒃𝒆 𝒍𝒐𝒗𝒆𝒅"

— by j. kaien