apurethought

[apurethought]

1

I’ve spent most of my life wondering why I exist. I dropped out of college because I honestly feel it’s more of a buissiness than a place in which I can benefit myself. I mean that’s the point of school right? To learn and ultimately set yourself up for success in the future. But, as I sat down and thought about what I wanted to do when I was older I was left feeling empty. Sure, I could do lots of things. I could become a physical therapist, a journalist, a director, maybe even an engineer. I could spend 4-8 years in school studying, making friends, working my a** off and succeeding. I’m very confident that I would do well in school. (In the eyes of an administration of course, striving to want its students to get straight A’s and perfect scores on tests) but like the American dream even if I did work as hard as I can and get everything perfect would it make me happy? I’m not sure. I’m confident now that money is not the key to happiness. So why are majority of people still trying to earn so much more than they need? Ultimately, I decided to take a gap year. I spent my senior year, or as I should say senior semester (I did a program to allow me to graduate early) in India for 3 and a half months to ponder the existence, or lack thereof, of my own happiness and well being. I figured that India could teach my how to be happy considering I would be surrounded by suffering and maybe I thought that I would find a guru to teach me the ways of humanity. I left India more confused than I have ever been. (but I’ll get into that on another post) I was lost. Everyone I knew was off to college and I felt like my emotions had just been put through the ringer. I came home so dissapointed in the individualist centered ego of America. I wondered why people were so mean here? Honestly Indians are so friendly and welcoming. They are so community based like a lot of other countries, most countries actually if you put them on a scale next to America. But really I was just sad. I couldn’t even think about college. All I could think about was, “I need to understand, everything”

and that is what started my everyday critical thinking of why the f*ck am I here, what scale do I measure success on and for f*cks sake what do I need to do to live a happy life.

[apurethought]

2

I mentioned I was lost. I had no passion anymore. I lost that after four surgeries told my body to stop playing soccer. Two years of rehabitating my knees. Two years of on and off crutches and crushed morale. Two years of war between my physical and emotional being. But that’s another story for another time.

To fast forward, I ended up partying a lot after India. Going to strangers houses in the brisk light of summer, chugging beers, dancing, singing, intimately trying to find a ride home. Me and my friends went crazy that summer. I’ll never forget the night I jumped into a pond naked as one of my guy friends chased after me telling me to stop. He was just trying to protect me. He was dating my best friend K and I was a little too intoxicated to make healthy decisions so he ended up getting naked and jumping in the pond with me to make sure none of the other guys there tried anything. Good times. But at the end of the night there was always this lingering feeling of sadness that it was over. All the feelings of regular life would tsunami into my brain making it hard to breathe. But there I was the next weekend doing it all over again. It was easier that way. Anyways, I realized partying gets old, really fast. It was approaching fall and I was considering moving back to San Diego, California and living with my grandpa. He was more than happy to house me while I got on my feet. I’d told my parents I could establish residency and go to San Diego State. (That never happened) Honestly, I really just wanted to escape my home town. All the flooding memories of betrayal and pain consumed me. They still do. But one day I strolled through downtown, bought a coffee with my friend and the exquisite taste of fall rushed into my veins telling me to stay, just for a little while. I stayed, lived with my parents. I was 18. I went to community college, accepted my first F and started partying again. It’s actually a funny story, I got completely overwhelmed by this house of boys that held these incredible house parties. But, like most good things I got carried away in it. Lost in the present, incapable of letting my focus slip to anything else. I dated one of them, of course it was the one man in that house that had anger issues and was really quite the a**hole. Classic. It’s funny though because that artificial, comedic relationship that stemmed off of partying everyday led to, well something that changed my life. It’s funny how some of the worst things in life can lead to some of the best things. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel, I swear it’s there! He actually encouraged me to get a job at the local ski resort which I did. I applied to be a lift attendant. We went our separate ways quickly after we broke up, forcing me to quit partying and take my life back. After the fomo (fear of missing out) wore off I ended up being happy just keeping to myself. It was hard at first, loosing all those connections I had spent months establishing. After awhile I didn’t care though. Work really just hit me like a freight train. I actually thrived for a while. I learned to like my own company. I worked 4 days a week 10 hour shifts of shoveling and raking in the cold. I greeted guests, told jokes, and skied, a lot. I hadn’t skied in 6 years because of my (pretty severe in my eyes) injuries but I learned again quickly. Then all of a sudden there I was, consumed by ski culture and making incredible friends. Loving every whoosh of the wind flying past my face, and almost sh*tting myself trying to keep up with my adrenaline addicted co-workers. Going back in time, I had a fairly traumatic highschool experience, to put it lightly. People were awful, I was never the it girl. People spred rumors about me and manipulated me. I sat alone at lunch until I met my friend, let’s call her K. Once our friendship kicked off we really just spent the majority of it smoking weed and talking sh*t about the people of our small little town. She was the only person that I really felt understood me, until lifty life. All the lifties accepted me, they loved me, I never thought people would embrace my being the way they did. I quickly made a group of friends and we rode together every off day we had. (When I say “ride” or “rode” I’m implying sking and/or snowboarding, it’s a term we used for it) I was at the mountain every single day last winter. It was my sanctuary.

[apurethought]

3

Sanctuary. That’s what the mountain was for me. It was a place I could go where I actually felt confident in myself. It was a place where my peers didn’t look down on me. Every moment I accomplished something, whether it was a new trick, hitting a bigger jump, or going my fastest speed, people hyped me up. I was used to getting shunned for my success. People like to bring others down for succeeding because they’re jealous, or I don’t know, afraid of acknowledging their own weaknesses. I never understood that. Why girls had to be so cruel. To form clicks, bully, manipulate, control, etc... They’re little, “egotistical enlightenment”. In better words, it was a way of landing themselves higher up on the pedistole until they won the 1st place trophy of biggest b*tch! Then, they’d look down, feeling like they were better than the girls below. H*ll, every girl in my school wanted to be biggest b*tch. Of course, I was the girl that was always last (or close to it) in their eyes, they ensured it. But that’s because I wasn’t running their race. I was on my own. I only wanted to be in competition with myself. So there I was, no first place trophy, just me wanting to be a better version of myself. (I might sound like a narcissist but sue me for agknowledging the flaws of highschool stereotypes) Actually, I’m grateful for my adolescence because like the song, “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” I did get stronger. I acquired a sort of emotional strength during all my suffering and trauma. The type of strength that left me feeling invincible. However, I didn’t realize I had this, “Hulk like nature” within myself, until a very specific moment during the winter. Maybe a couple moments, but I recall one that acted as a sort of new beginnings. This moment transformed me from an insecure, hurting girl, to the Wonderwoman I always wanted to be... It was the middle of winter but not necessarily snowing in my hometown. I remember it being cloudy, with a lingering grey hue, and the feeling of ease. I had decided to go to the hot springs with two guys I worked with. We took my car. I had been dating one of them (classic). The other was a good friend of mine. We were all close. The three of us had the same off days so we hung out every weekend. This dynamic was what others would see as strange, but was quite normal to me. You see, the guy I had been seeing was, quite the character, to say the least. Everyone that met him would agree. He had this strength about him that made me interested in him in the first place. I don’t mean physically, I never really cared about that. He was always on guard. The type of man that radiated, “DONT F*CK WITH ME” from his core. I was so damaged, I wanted my image to scream that too. I learned quickly that there were consequences from shutting the rest of the world off from your heart. Yes, he was a strong man that went through a lot as a kid, like me, but in different ways. Underneath that front he gave off, he was mostly afraid. Terrified of anything and anyone that wanted to get close to him. This is why we never showed too much affection for eachother in public. It made him so uncomfortable to be seen as “weak”. Of course, people associate love as a form of weakness. He had no idea that the act of experiencing comfort in a state of vulnerablility is one of the purest forms of inner strength. To neglect your own feelings allows fear to consume rather than guide you. My dad told me one time, “sprint at your fears as fast as you can and don’t look back!”. Anyways, when the three of us hung out on the weekends it really just felt like it was me and the guys, on another adventure somewhere. This was a norm for me. I spent more time with guys rather than girls. Girls had caused me so much pain in the past but men were a lot simpler. No mind games, no drama, and no manipulation. And then there was this moment. We had a magnificent, beauty enriched day full of natural hot tubs, waterfalls, mini hikes, and booze. We had no idea that the peaceful grins on our faces would soon come to an abrupt hault...