are-we-still-friends15 - Tumblr blog

[are-we-still-friends15]

25.06 23.10pm

ive gone back to being shit

started drinking again

i think i had 3 or 4 days where i was good, i didnt drink and i was cleaning each day

now my apartment is a shithole again

im still waiting for my diagnosis from my psych

ill write to you as soon as i get it i think

i just hope you're still in nl

idk what else to say

its a bit crazy thinking i might have ptsd + depression

its like i dont deserve it, it feels weird

i also read about trauma bonding and symptoms

none of that is related to u but it 100% fits w/ my previous ex

i still miss u

most days i dont really think of u

its weird

like you were a constant presence in my past and now its like

nothing

id wake up at 9, work till 6, play some shit till 9 and only then realise i never thought of u

im sorry

u deserve more

i hope u dont hate me

but i dont think we'll talk again as friends

im sorry

i love u

[are-we-still-friends15]

19.06 02:37

im getting my diagnosis soon, very likely it's ptsd

that explains my panic attacks

i also may have depression, i did some tests and its not looking good for me

i wanted to write u a letter about all this

just to let you know

my therapist said it might be a good way to "close the chapter"

but idk if im ready to close it

ill wait for the diagnosis and then ill see if ill write to u or not

im sorry i disappeared like this

but i think ure doing better without me

i love u

[are-we-still-friends15]

12.06, 4:35 am

the night we first kissed, you were reading my letters i wrote for her

now im writing to you

its funny how we ended up like this

i really thought we would last, at least as friends after we broke up

we promised each other we would

but its been 2 months since we last talked

i got diagnosed with a severe panic disorder

thats what was happening to me during our last months together

i guess you were the trigger, but it wasnt your fault

i think i kind of knew we wouldnt last when you didnt say i love you back that night

and that fear of losing you was causing the panic attacks

but thats also how we grew distant, kind of ironic, self fulfilling prophecy or whatever

i miss you

i have days when you are barely in my thoughts, but when im by myself its basically free real estate for you

and you left a big hole

i wish i could talk to you directly, but i physically cant

everytime we would talk after we broke up i would have bad panic attacks

even now writing this, knowing you will never see it, i feel like im close to having one

i wanted to at least explain to you why i havent texted, but my psychologist said i shouldnt talk to you

at least not for now

its good for treatment apparently

but i guess this doesnt count so its ok

when you asked me how i was doing, i lied

i had a two week period where i didnt get out of bed

i couldnt eat, work or shower

the apartment was a mess

because in my mind you died

its a self defense mechanism i have since B, its how my mind deals with break ups

obviously i know youre not dead, and i dont want you to be

but my mind thinks theres no other way to deal with a breakup

so i was grieving you

for a solid two months

it hurts needing you back in my life but knowing that i cant

we wont work out as a couple anymore, and you know i cant be friends again if i still have feelings

and i have them now, and will do for a long time

but youre better off without me i think

im sorry

i miss you and i love you

im not sure if ill keep writing here