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[ariatto-blog]

yea...

How do I even start this?....

I love you and I can't change that. You love me to but do you even love me the same way? Don't be so blunt about this question either. There's multiple ways to answer it.

I wasn't kidding about that promise I made to you in bed. Wasn't that long ago either, that I loved you more than anyone else I have before, that I wanted to have a future with you. It's been almost 4 months and if you count your trip to the Philippines it's been 4-5. I waited so much and kept that distant relationship with me until you got back. You broke up with me before you even came back. I couldn't look at you without wanting to cry. I'm a boy were supposed to keep that hidden apparently and I just can't seem to. I have cuts on my arms and knees not just from wanting to die, but wanting more than I have before. I left for 2 months and avoided you for another 2 months this year and last year. Last year being military boot camp and school camping. This year I warned you. You even saying that might help. I hated both of those months, you being the reason why. I missed and fell in love with you and I don't hate that I love you. I hate how I can't be with the one I love. I loved you even since you were taken by those 2 guys and I wanted to show them who I was. I didn't because I was afraid you looked at me differently even if you were falling out of love with them. I told you about my previous love and how they threatened to called police on me for a crime I didn't commit. Then you telling me that, what you had with someone online for a short amount of time was different. It was non the less a "heartbreaker" to you compared to my own. you saying it was "a stupid heart breaker". I'm not surprised you said that and I don't really care. All did was care about you. Skipping school to go to the hospital for you, skipping school to a park, breaking my hand because i couldnt do anything for you, or trying to be with you whenever I can.

What are we? We're not friends nor are we dating.... You know how I feel towards people with friends with benefits. I hate it; i don't want to be in one. The other day you asked me about a future relationship, it brought a smile to my face and then I realized you're going to be in college. You're going to meet so many other guys that could treat you way better, who are good looking, who can provide for you, who aren't as shitty as me. You say I'm not like you're last ex; I actually care about you and I could care less what I get out of it. But why am I making the same mistakes. Not mistakes that you've made but my own personal. I'm having so many Schizts break outs that I'm constantly wanting to scratch and cut. I'm not a child you don't need to remove my hand and I told you whenever I scratch I rather you give me a hickey. Not because I want it intimately but as a way to relief myself like whenever I scratch.

I'm having so many out breaks due to the mentioning of everything. Us not being together, future relationships, moving, college, school, paranoia, marriage, jealousy, intimacy, grades, worrying, selfdoubt, being "friends", mistakes, love and just everything else in life.

"I miss her and I just can't get over her"

"I mean well it's only human. Please try to take care of yourself more"

"I will"

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Sad little boy

"What now?"

"Should i keep running or let my feelings get in my way?"

"Ed listen. You need to relax."

"How can I?

"Because you have friends and everyone else around you to try and help you."

"It's complicated"

"What is? Please don't stall."

"I....."

"What ed!? What happened between you two. I thought you broke up, why are you so close, you're hurting yourself more the longer you stay close"

"Because I still love her. I'm sorry I can't get over it now; but this meant something to me."

"How can you say that. Stop pitying yourself, stop being self-involved, stop hurting yourself for others or yourself."

"What do you people want from me? It's not okay to help others nor is it to myself. I get it I can't help others before myself. I need to take care of myself. I've been trying to for so long yet whenever I do I shouldn't?"

"See you don't even know what you want!"

"I do."

"No you don't!"

"...."

"What! YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU WANT. GET RID OF THAT SMUG FACE ASSHOLE!"

"All I want is to be happy"

"Then why do you have so many scars?"

"...."

"You need to take care of yourself. Stop being hard on yourself and actually get to work."

"I hate you."

"Ha like you could ever."

"All I want is to be happy. Sometimes you can't get what you want. I wish i didn't make so many mistakes with her."

"What do you mean?"

"I messed up because I wanted something I couldn't. It's my fault."

"Shut up you're starting to sound like a sad little boy.

"I am."

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Here's a post for you people that care. A friend came to talk to me, it felt like she put salt on my wounds. It's not as bad as it sounds thank you. I'm sorry about these posts you don't have to read my writing if you don't want to besides it's a bit personal even if it's old. #oakland #thanks https://www.instagram.com/p/BnaRK8kFQhp/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=12c48t69omr4v

[ariatto-blog]

Yesterday

Yesterday I went to back to school night. It's either a hit or miss depending on if you enjoy it or not. Unfortunately I dislike it a lot. Having to go through school at late afternoon towards night honestly is just terrible.

I think it's time to get to the point though. Let me be honest with you, I was alone for that night. Mother was busy with my brother. My older brother was stuck at college and of course like always my dad was absent. "Family means everything" how come it doesn't feel that way? I'm so distant from my brothers. My dad disowned me and my mother has to much to do to ever have free time.

I remember waking up in the hospital bed with heavy gashes on my knees. Waited nearly 2 days and no one came. I was in the hospital bed for heavy narcotic use. I remember wanting to die since the age of 4. Yet my family doesn't know. Really depressed for almost a decade now. Why am I surprised that my family couldn't visit they're to busy. I don't blame them at least they care enough to be in my life from time to time.

From being depressed from my father telling me I'm worthless and multiple people passing away in my life. To having really bad anxiety from getting put down so many times. Scars and cuts from suicidal feelings or increased bullying. The fear that my mother will disown me to. You can call it whatever.

Being called a mistake really is kind of heart brealing coming from both parents to. I know I'm a mistake, I'm just like many others, what makes me secial is my life. Unfortunately I'm very sensitive so get mad when people say "age matters", or "people have it worse", "you weren't raised that way", "They probably should have died", "you should have just died", "loser", "worthless". How would you know. You don't know what people go through. How can you say that.

"Are you okay?"

"I'm not fucking okay, don't fucking touch me"

"What the hells your problem"

"It's something you won't understand"

"We're friends!"

"Now you're my "friend" then what were all the beatings for? Why did you make me bleed and make my mom worry?"

"....."

"Why the hell should I be friends with someone who just like others want me dead?"

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Sticks And Stones

"Sticks and stones break your bones"

I remember when me and my brother would always fight. Yea we were really small at the time but still. It would be over the silliest things in the world. I don't know how my mom dealt with us even today. I'm grateful for her and the people around me.

Right now I'm in a bad place because I put myself there. I'm constantly healing but the damage that I've caused myself to take a break. Not just my arm. But it's for the best.

I remember when I called you beautiful and you said you weren't. I wasn't asking you if you were I was telling you that you were. Sorry for that but I'm pretty sure you won't read this. I still need some time for myself thank you for understanding. A piece Of me is missing and I need to find him.

Not like you have any reason for caring.

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Fabrications

Am I just imaging things no. Are my memories even mine. I'm scared to face the truth, these fabrications have gotten out of control. It's becoming really hard to tell which ones are real or not.

"Am i going insane?"

"What do you mean? They aren't here with you anymore so why does it matter?"

"Who are you?"

"Don't ask me stupid questions child!"

"Are you the one making fabrications? Why would you do that, why can't i be honest, and why can't i fix myself?"

"I'm just the you who needs time, the you that's damaged, why do you let ignorance take you? Why aren't you helping yourself? Why make that promise to her and him?"

"Shut up! Don't fucking tell me who I am....."

"Stop apologizing for something you can't control. It's not your fault they said. Why be convicted for something you didn't do?"

"Because my heart can't forgive myself"

"I'm telling you right now if you don't you'll stay the same and nothing will change."

"....."

"Please don't do anything you'll regret. That cast is a representation of your arrogance and anger."

"I promise I will but stop making fabrications."

For those who I apologize for.....

[ariatto-blog]

Rather

Just need some time to let her be. I'm hurting myself to make another happy. If I wanted to make both of us happy it would take longer than I would want. I waited for her, I changed my schedule constantly, i took care of her every time she was sad or depressed, I told her I wasn't good enough and she kissed me then told me I was. When I waited all I wanted was her but instead she broke up with me. I know we talked about this before but what hurted. The most was coming from myself. She as beautiful as she was; had priorities that we both knew were important. I just wish you didn't lie to me.

When you came back from your vacation it wasn't until then my heart crashed. I purposely avoided you. As i told a friend "I'm not ready, I can't even look at her in the eyes" as I cried. I'm not a victim to anything but myself. When lunch hit she asked if I wanted to meet up with her. I accepted with the intent to talk. Like teens we all had a friend group. She just happened to be with her friends. I stayed for a good 10 minutes waiting not even looking her instead I looked at a salid. I instead had then gripped it. Almost walking away without warning. "Hey what's wrong?" She asked. "What isn't wrong I'm a complete mess. Not because of us breaking up. But because I can't even talk to you." I clearly lied it was the relationship. We talked while walking back to her friends. During 7th period she texted me and asked if I wanted to meet with her after school. I accepted like nothing could go wrong could it? As I got on the same bus we hit are stop after 30 minutes. We get off then start to walk, we didn't start to talk until I said something. "Do you hate me?" "No why would I hate you?" "I just...." "......." I'm not sure what hit me to ask this but I did. "Why did you want to break up" "sigh... I'm a senior. You're a junior. I'm going to go to college after school hits summer again. I don't want to be attach." "If I were any older or in a different grade would it have matter?" "I don't know" she said with a nervous laugh. "Graduation is months later why right now? I ask like if i were going to have another breakdown. "Because I don't want to get attach with someone I won't get over." With an empathic tone. I grab hand then hugged her. Her head hitting my chest. I asked her "All these voices in my head, they want me to do something towards you and I'm not sure if I'll regret it." She looked up to me if she were to cry. "Go ahead and do it." I stop hugging her, touched her cheeks with both hands and kissed her. "I purposely avoided you in the morning. Because I was to scared to admit that I still loved you." She look at me as if she were to cry "I hate admitting it but I love you too.".

It's been almost a month and so much has change. I'm sorry for causing you pain. At least I know one of us will be happy. I hate lying but if that's what I have to do constantly I will. If I need you to hate me I rather you do then love me. I'm sorry about your friend I'm not jealous that she lived unlike me. I'm mad at the fact you said she was to young. No one should have to lose a child nor a friend. There is no such thing as to young or to old. No one cares until they finally do it. That's why I've cared about you since December.

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general highschool vibes

I feel great. this spring break has been amazing even if I yell a lot playing video games.”really need to work on that”. but school has been hell especially since I need to stop procrastinating.But the again I have average grades not like other kids that have like a 1.00 GPA and lower. I don’t even know how that’s possible. sometimes my mom gets mad at my grades but I think she should be happy its hard getting out of a place you don’t wanna be. That’s why I don’t like school I’m kind of stuck there until I get my diploma. I’m not even sure if I should go to college at all. but I still have 3 more years until I make that choice so I try my best. wish I could say they about some of my friends. my mom gets mad at me sometimes but its because she luvs me. she sees me play this game called league of legends but its fun and competitive. only thing is I hate the low elo players there like 5 to my age 14. some are 20 and older which I find sad your 20 but yet this 14 year old can play better then you. my brother is this age and hes one of the highest players out there. my other brother says its an addiction but I play it when ever “cough cough that’s a lie”but other wise I’m okay. people say follow what your heart wants and take it. I think I’ll try that but try not to let it hold me back

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Isn’t it crazy its almost summer. hoping that I can get out of this place. Locked up chained down finally being able to be free from a long time. Its almost being trapped for a year or so. Isnt it great its better then getting critisized or judged by anyone. Its better then feeling like crap anyway. Like a breeze on a hotday just wonderful. Norhing can stop my good vibe

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The things I say doesnt matter. The only the actions I make. Make something of yourself #poetry #speak #highschool

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A Life Summary Of A 14 Year Old Boy

I’m not really sure how to start this but okay lets try. I am a 14 year old boy that loves everyone. I have hard times where I want to stop and die but I remind myself “god created us for a reason” I remind myself of this phrase every time I look down. I never cry because I’m afraid to show weakness. I wonder in my dreams how people are and how they act. people look down at me with disappointment I try to ignore it but it always comes back and bites me. I see all these people with there loved one then feel sad because I can’t compare to what I’ve felt. I like to sit in the corner of my bed then think or look back in the pass. I remember bad and good memories. good because I loved staying with my moms friend and he taught me the importance of hard work and patience improving on live with the exception of loving my family. bad because I was abused as a kid not by my mom or family member but by society. when I was little my moms boyfriend abused me and my brothers I cried for the next 3-4 years because of this then we finally never had to deal with him anymore ever. I fear that someday when ever my family is ever hurt I’m there to fight back or take care. when I got into middle school it got better. I started having friends once more and started fighting back to who ever was mean to me or my family. to me family are my friends and friends are my family. pray to god you never have to deal with the pain I had to.