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The Least Intimidating bakery in the village has closed for good so now I’ve got to go to the Intimidating Bakery, it’s awful. If you don’t have a PhD in being French I don’t recommend going to that bakery, here’s the humiliating account of the 3 times I’ve visited it so far:

the first time I went in there I pointed at one of those extra-skinny baguettes and said “a flute, please” feeling pretty sure of myself, and the baker said “… that’s a ficelle” (you idiot) (was implied) “a flute is twice as large as a baguette.”

That’s insane, first of all, a flute is a skinny instrument. Call your fat baguette a bassoon, lady—I made some timid remark about how it would make more sense for a flute to be a skinny bread and the baker said, “In Paris it is. I thought you were from the South?”

oh, that hurt

I guess I’m from the part of the South that’s so close to Italy the bread’s waist size matters less than whether it’s got olives in it, but I left the bakery having an existential crisis over whether living in Paris had made me forget my roots

the Least Intimidating Bakery just had normal baguettes vs. seedy baguettes vs. horny baguettes (easy mode, some have seeds, some have horns), while the new bakery has breads that are only different on a molecular level—there’s a good old loaf and then another, identical loaf called a bastard? google told me a bastard is “halfway between a baguette and a bread” but denouncing them like “those are not regulation-sized bastards” would get me banned from the bakery for life

on my 2nd visit (while I stood in line discreetly googling baguette terminology) there was an English tourist who asked for a baguette while pointing at what was either a rustique or a sesame and I felt a bit worried for them, but the baker just clarified “this one?” to waive any responsibility if they found out later it wasn’t a classic baguette, then handed them the bread without educating them in a judgmental tone and I felt envious

I know it’s because she thinks the English are beyond saving but still it made me want to come back with a fake moustache and an English accent so I wouldn’t be expected to play bakery on expert mode just because I’m French. I asked for a pastry this time and the baker asked “no bread with that?” which felt cruel, like she wanted me to sprinkle myself with ashes and admit out loud that my level of bread proficiency isn’t as advanced as I once believed it was

The third time I went, I had lost all self-confidence and I hesitantly pointed at a bread and said “I’d like this, uh—what is it called?” and the baker looked at me in disbelief and said “That’s a baguette.”

God.

for the record, if that stupid bread had been flanked by a skinny bread (ficelle) and a fat one (flute) then yeah of course I would have known to call it a baguette, but in the absence of reference points I now felt lost and scared of being called a Parisian again

it’s hard to express the depth of my suffering so I’ll just let the facts speak for themselves: this morning a French person (me) stood in a French bakery in France surrounded by French people and pointed at a baguette and said “what is this called”

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it’s so funny to me how succession episodes feel like sixty minute psychotic breaks but the descriptions are always just like “the roys try to make a business deal. tom makes a phone call. greg is there.”

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Love Love, Peace Peace - How to make a perfect Eurovision Song

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who tf is Connor from succession why have I never heard of him before. i know kendall does coke (?) and kills someone driving i know shiv has a really weird definition of love and i know tom has a gay thing w greg and throws a water bottle at him and Roman has a thing for milfs or something. but I’ve never seen a Connor post

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The latest Frankenstein update has some wild geographical descriptions of the Geneva area.

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Fleabag (2019) // Derry Girls (2019)

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January Books (and other culture stuff)

Zadie Smith, The Wife of Willesden

Emile Zola, Pot-Bouille

Robert Louis Stevenson, Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde

Emmanuel Carrère, Yoga

Taffy Brodesser-Akner, Fleishman is in trouble

Ok, so the first three are a bit of a cheat as I started reading them before January. I actually read Jekyll and Hyde through Jekyll and Hyde weekly, and really enjoyed it. It didn’t work as well as it did for Dracula daily but still loving the format (currently behind on Whale weekly but trying to keep on top of Frankenstein Weekly). Also a cool story with a complete different focus than posterior adaptations. The Wife of Willesden is a play, and I don’t usually read theater but I do read everything that Zadie Smith writes. That was really smart and I would have really like to see it performed.  Pot-Bouille is fine. I’m wondering if Zola is getting more cynical (particularly about sex) in this part of the cycle or if it’s just because I read this one so closely after Nana. It’s quite fun too, if you can temporarily silence any trace of feminist and/or class empathy (the birth scene alone...). 

The one I really liked this month was Fleishman is in trouble which was just so perfectly crafted. (This one is better read with feminist empathy I think). I was thinking of watching the TV show too, but I’m honestly happy to let this story live in my head too. 

Not much to say about Yoga. Definitely not my favourite book by Carrère. I think despite everything that is interesting about it, there is something that fundamentally doesn’t work in this narrative. 

So far, not so much progress on reading books from my bookshelf; technically only the Zadie Smith and Fleishman were actually books that I owned for a while and want to read through this year. Still, eleven months left. 

In other resolutions, I didn’t watch much TV but I finished Succession season 3 and I’m waiting for His Dark Materials last episode. I went to the cinema though, and broke my fucking heart with The Banshees of Inisherin.

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I am actually going to kill him for real

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It’s so weird to watch media with very offline people who have never done online fandoms or shipping. 

“the characters just don’t have this type of relationship” he says like it matters. These two characters have a protracted romantic backstory even though they spoke three times in eight seasons because I want them to. 

This character is a guest on the “murder of the week” episode and I ship them with one of the main cast because they laughed at his jokes.

These characters haven’t met yet but I read a compelling fanfic about it and now it’s canon to me. 

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#LOTR

actually the best part of the lotr cast commentary is getting to hear about sir ian mckellen’s gay agenda

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my toxic trait as a european is believing i can walk anywhere

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Obsessed with his mind actually

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The four seasons: hot girl summer, scary woman winter, weird lady spring and goth bitch autumn

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Every Wednesday in your newsstand

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*sends a polite and friendly ask to someone* oh god theyre going to kill me on sight