arsenicvent

[arsenicvent]

there is no way to describe my pain. i am giving up.

[arsenicvent]

why do i literally want women to torture me

[arsenicvent]

dont want to do art anymore and its weird. i've def gone through times like this, and i know it'll go away....but it's hard to let it go even temporarily..

[arsenicvent]

might get shrooms soon im screaming crying and throwing up

[arsenicvent]

i wish i could function like a normal person. i wish my brain could just produce the right chemicals. i want to enjoy things, i want to socialize, but my brain just doesn't make the right chemicals to allow me to do those things. it's like i have all the wrong parts to interface with this world.

[arsenicvent]

doing hot enby shit *drinking opioid tea*

[arsenicvent]

i wanna do shrooms sooo bad

[arsenicvent]

i need to go to the doctor for my seizures. i need to try to start getting into therapy. i just can't see a point anymore. this world obviously does not want me to live and i need to stop tricking myself into thinking it's any different

or into thinking i can make it care about my life

or into thinking it has any feelings at all

[arsenicvent]

begging that i don't have to make all the effort in all my social relationships anymore im begging

[arsenicvent]

been writing a lot, and drawing a lot, but i can't really bring myself to post any of it. when i do i get likes and stuff, i don't really know why I don't want to. I think i just prefer showing it to friends

[arsenicvent]

i can barely take care of myself, why am i so attracted to people who need me to do everything for them

doesn't close the grinder, doesn't pick up her trash, leaves food out for weeks, she puked in the kitchen a week ago and still hasn't cleaned it, i've been taking out the trash recently, took her a month to do the dishes, if i don't tell her to brush her teeth, her hair, to shower and put deodorant on, she wouldn't do it. I get it, it's hard, but she's almost 23 and has no survival skills of her own and she's completely relying on me and i have fucking holes in my bones i can't keep up with this shit anymore, man. i just want to give up. how many break downs do i have to have? how many times do i have to beg her for help over and over for days before she fucking cares about the place we live in, her own fucking body. i dont know.

[arsenicvent]

i dont want to get a job. looking at all of them fill me with anxiety because i know im very disabled. i was going to go to college, but we're too poor. SSI will take too long, i have to suck it up and let capitalism suck my life force.

[arsenicvent]

my brain: why dont i just do it? if its inevitable and my brain wont stop obsessing over death, why not just do it? The answer is, I am a pussy. I-

me: *takes a hit of weed*

my brain:

[arsenicvent]

going insane for an hour every day because my brain turns off the defense mechanism that makes you think death isn't a thing that will happen to you

[arsenicvent]

i've lost 30+ lbs in 2 months lol someone help

[arsenicvent]

January 8th from 1-3 pm at Federal Plaza in Chicago. Against the fascists. Against the authoritarian bigots who attack the rights of women.

[arsenicvent]

i just feel like i dont have much to offer anymore. im not doing anything creative because i have no ideas and the creative things i want to do, cost money to start doing and im lucky im not homeless right now so i cant...do anything