artichokeconfessional

[artichokeconfessional]

Sending something out into the world

November 3rd 1:39am

. I’m a 24 year old living on the other side of the world from my childhood bedroom where I use to spill out over dozens of half finish journals from as young as I could remember. I turn 25 next week, same day my friend is driving me to the other side of the island where I’ll live in a new city and I’m so excited.

My girlfriend lives there. I miss. She’s too beautiful for me I feel like. I know it’s shallow and cliche and all that jazz but it’s hard man I’m a short chubby ginger guy and she’s a tall goth girl and it’s beautiful and a t4t and I miss her. And I’m afraid everyday that she doesn’t feel the same way, like she’s too nervous to break it to me she’s not into me over instagram or some shit. We’ve been long distance for 3 months.

We started at a party, my first one post Covid lockdown (there were no cases in my country at this time so we all felt relatively safe to party while the rest of the world was indoors). We knew each other sort of, had taken writing papers together in university but this was my first time seeing her since she came out she was beautiful. Just so happy, she has this smile that immediately spills into my rib cage this feeling of utter warmth. We talk and it’s so natural so real and we become friends.

And this friendship goes for three years, sporadic hang outs, weed seshes, discussions of music and university, historic events and video games. Pretentious shit I’m usually too nervous to actually talk about af lengths with people but she listens she really does. And I have this giant crush on her. But I don’t want to tell her because I don’t want to ruin the friendship. (Which you as a reader already know it wouldn’t, there’s a literary term for that. Like when the audience knows something the main character doesn’t? Totally blanking and my flatmate who’s doing her English PhD is in Ireland rn)

And I go back to my home country for a year, fall in love with a friend back in the country I’m living now where I went to university, so I go back there to live with this person and we ultimately and amicably break up after 9 months living toghether and I move in with my current flat mate and I’m stuck back in my university town I’ve lived in on and off for a total of 5 years so I say fuck it. I know my friend (future girlfriend, how about for future reference refer to her as A) I know A lives in the city on the other side of the island with her two partners so I ask if I could come visit I need to gfo if my town and she obliges.

And we hang out a lot there’s something in the air though but I just think it’s wishful thinking. We get stoned one night, on her bed, and she tells me she’s had a crush on me the past 3 years so we’re both just a couple of nervous nerds. And since then we’ve dating.

She doesn’t like doing phone calls I also don’t really, we’re both maybe too neurodivergent for it to not feel super awkward and disconnected. She also has had a shit ton going on, and so I’ve spammed her with memes like 3-4 a day, and she doesn’t really look at them. She just struggles a lot with finding the energy to respond, and I respect that so much and there’s a better way to articulate it but it just makes the missing her hurt so much more. Eventually every couple days she responds heart reacts them and we chat and I love it, and she reassures me that I’m not some annoyance to her because I also ask that when we chat a lot. Because that’s what my brain tells me.

I send a bunch of memes, and don’t get a response I’m like dude she’s not into you (despite literally being my girlfriend) and I spiral because I don’t wanna push it and end up losing her. Ultimately I just have to wait and see how it goes when we’re in the same city, and I just really like to remain optimistic or at least feign optimism.

But tonight like other nights I just sobbed, in bed, alone. I just miss her. I just hate transitional periods. I don’t want to fritter away these days because I’ve got cool shit coming that I might talk about another day. I just miss her.

I’m creating this blog because I want to diary again, but I also want to feel like maybe someone somewhere is hearing me too. Maybe that’s super immature. Idk stay tuned kids for more about my life