asalegend - Tumblr blog

[asalegend]

I'm a monster

Ive got accept that I'm a monster

Feeling like I'm living as an imposter

Who knew trying to be happy could be so unhappy

I try to cheer you up and feel crappy

You assume all the worst about me

When I give you no reasons to doubt me

I come in and always wanna save you

When its your turn you leave me feeling blue

Taking more beatings than a boxer

Cause I've got to accept that I'm a monster

[asalegend]

Note to self.

This is a note to myself. About her. About Martha. God Damn, it hurts. Y'all have no idea. Let me tell you this story from the beginning dumb ass. So that when you do doubt it, you remember everything. You met Martha in March, while all that’s dumb shit down there with Mel and natalie and even Naomi was going on. And you liked her since then. There was something about it and you just didnt know what it was. And she liked you, and you knew it after that day she kissed you goodbye. And from there it happened. You took her to the movies and for ice cream. Then you took her for wings 3 days later on was an actual date, where you both knew you were interested and you both were already invested. And it was super fun, and amazing ( side note, she fucked some random dude that night after she told you she was Home and asleep… But you found that out later) and thats how it went. On september 23rd, y'all had a real ass date, and you lost your virginity to her, and that might not sound important now, vut remember that it was super important to you Then. Remember that she told you she would only be with you exclusively if you had sex with her, even though you were technically a couple. Dont you ever forget that she literally, fucken forced you to have sex. That she threatened with pretty much cheating on you .Then she spend 3 days living with you at home while your family was out. And You both had a huge fight about Monica, and what she meant to you. And she wanted to break up with you, and incase your worthless ass forgot. You got on your knees and begged her to stay, and you told her you would never lie to her again. And guess what bro, you didnt. Not about important stuff. Not about being loyal to her. Not about how much you fucken loved her, and I’m proud of you for that, and you should be too. And remember that same fucken night, some girl text you. Asking your for dick pics and sending you fucken pictures so you’d go fuck her. And yeah nigga you were tempted as fuck, and yeah nigga you texted back. But then it hit you, the time you had just spent with Martha, and how amazing that felt. And how incredible she was with you. And you sent that bitch a text that said you had a girlfriend, and you loved her (even if you hadnt told her yet) the next weekend, was pricillas birthday/Halloween, y'all went out to tipsy, and Martha got fucken hammered. So hammered that she couldnt go home. So you called your mom and begged her to let Martha stay. You told her youd sleep on the couch or whatever. And that night, Martha told you how much she loved you, and how by not telling her you love her you were hurting her. And you realized what your fear had done to you, so you decided to deal with it. You both fell asleep and that morning you looked at her and said “Martha, tu eres mi Amor…. Te amo mi Vida” and you meant it. You meant it more that you meant it when you said it to larissa or Naomi. And things were going good, you had broken up with her over dumb shit, but the next day you were back together. And you realized that you were in a real relationship, so you became and adult about it. But she always held that against you, even if she had broken up with you because you lent her 20 bucks and was petty. Then one day, while you were in the car and she was having a panic attack she took it out on you. She told you that She could cheat on you whenever she wanted, she bragged about all the guys who hit her up, and how she could fuck one whenever. She told you that you would never fucken know if She did it too( she knew since day one…, what Naomi and larissa had done to you)…. She made you shake in fear, she made you beg her never to cheat…. She broke you emotionally… Then laughed and said to never break up with her over dumb shit again…. She thought it was a joke…. Exploiting your fears and insecurities. Then, it was holiday time… And terry slammed you with hours cause you were kicking ass… And she was slammed with hours… And you started to notice how much she like jose…. How she always said he was super cute and how shed get weak in the knees…. And you tried explaing to her that stuff was avout to get tough. You were working 22 hours a week at pho. 30 at LC and going to 4 classes in the mornings…. And she was working 40+ and getting out at 10pm. You didnt have time to work out or anything. And what little time you had, you gave to her, and all she wanted… It seemed was sex… But you were tired… Your were stressed…. You were exhausted…. And uncomfortable with how much she Needed it… You wanted a hug and she just wanted to fuck. So, you were going soft…. And she made fun of you because if it…. And she made it worse. Then, the second week of December she went with you to the lc party… And you never loved her more. You bought matching sweaters, and you were so deeply inlove with her, you thanked god ever day for blessing you with her in your fucken life… And a few days later, she went to her party, wearing your sweater. She told you “nilda said no couple baby, sunny is gonna give me a ride back, I wont drink ok” and you dropped her off… And you we’re worried… You could feel something was wrong… Very wrong…, you didn’t sleep that night, and she kept sending you pictures…. Telling you what she was doing… And the next day, she showed up at work, that moring she told you she left her phone in Jose’s car…. But, you thought sunny was giving her a ride. And that day she fought with you, and complained and tried pushing you to leave her…. And you could feel it in you soul that she did something…. Then you kept going. But things were different… She didnt care about you the same anymore… Fast forward past xmas (which was amazing tbh, she spent it with you and gave you great presents.., and you gave her everything she wanted) and your taking off xmas lights. Martha is complaining about how she’s itch and had a rash. Then has sex with you like its nothing( btw, her and jose were still besties here. Dont forget that)….. A few days later, you get a call to work, its her crying… She has hpv… (She knew that rash wasnt normal…. Yet, she still did it with you) and there goes your life…. 3 days later, its your birthday.you have an incredible time at LC, and when you pick her up she looks amazing, and she gives you a big gift she made, the basket…. And it almost made you cry… Because it was beautiful… And she got fucked up at your party….she insulted your mother and embarrassed you infront of your friends… But that wasnt the worst part… That night, you laid her down to bed and you saw her phone. And you knew…. You knew you had to check it, your heart was screaming it….. And whatd you find out…. She cheated on you… Tge night of her party, she fucked jose. And she was bragging about it to alex, she even sent her pictures of him and went off about how good it felt, how many times she came how big (or small in this case… That’s the only win you got that night) he was. And you woke her up, you confonted her about it. And she got violent, she pushed you and punched your and scratched you begging you to stay… And all you felt was cold and emptiness. And you took her to work the next day and disappeared. A few days later, she had her LEEP and texted you, and you stood by her that day even though you were hurt. And she went and saw you and you both talked… And you put your pride aside and got back with her, no matter how much it fucken hurt, no matter how much your friends and family saw you suffer and tried helping you…, because you loved her. But she started to poison you, against your family. And she was selfish. But you stood by her during the hpv. You didnt leave her alone, you helped her and you helped her move her life foward, you did her taxes and helped her with school programs and her diet and everything she needed for her hpv. All while you bottled up the fact that you thought you were gonna die because she got you sick(your fine now thankfully, and the doctor cleared you and told you that it was super lucky)…. And then your family forced you to leave her, in their way. And you did, and she got violent again… But you were dying, everytime you saw her… You saw what she did… What she described to Alex…. You saw that she didnt love you…, and you left her there, the next day she left to San Antonio. You were fine for a month… Then in April she reached out to you, and you let her in. She was “different” and you went for it. But this Martha was selfish, this Martha made you do things for her, this martha tried turing you against your family. This Martha didn’t support you ever, this martha believed that it was your fault things went bad, because you told your family she cheated. She called you a coward for how you dealt with the pain she caused you. And she started tons of problems with you family through facebook…. This Martha, was the worst one…. This one… Abused your love and made you feel like the bad guy…. This Martha…. Was a monster. And then Angie came to town, and gave you the examples of how a couple fights together. Because at the moment, going to san Antonio for her birthday was going to be a huge mistake at home. You never had peace at home, and every day you fought with you family about her. And she wouldnt support you, she would leave you to burn. So you told her, you couldnt go with her for her birthday…, and she broke up with you. So you left. Until last week…. Last week, after 2 months of her texting you, you broke…. You reached out and told her how much you missed her. You explained that you were afraid to love her cause of how much she hurt you…. And she told you you were the only one still, and how much she loved you and how she only thought about you. But it was all lies dude…. She was fucking Justin, who was her best friends man and baby daddy. And she messed around with other too…. She didnt even last a month with out doing it…, and yeah, she came clean after she build you up with lies and made you hope again…. And then she broke you one more time…, the last time remember that. Because remember that you werw going to move in with her this time..,, that she was coming back to be with you…. Remember how much you were going to risk based on her lies…. Remember… That all this… Is why you cant love her.., and it’s why your not gonna send that text, or make that call…. Because this^ is enough pain… All this,.. Is not love….

[asalegend]

Hello

Its been almost a year since ive posted!!!! Jesus. So much has happened. Point is Life is still shitty, I fell madly in love with someone and she cheated on me. I also found out on my birthday, which was a dead so embarrassed me a lot. I almost got really sick. I'm back with Martha, but its long distance and its honestly hard. Oh well. Ill see what happens. I might post later tonight

[asalegend]

The Pain

Pain The emptiness I feel inside That consumes, all that I am and will become After so long, it's become easy to hide I've managed to drown it with all of this rum I came down from this, my high mountain And reach down to save you I let you drink from my strength, my fountain And from there we both saw, as you grew Yet I failed to realized that as you grew strong That my fate, had already been... preordained For soon, all that I had ever done wrong Would return to leave me... In pain

[asalegend]

Fly

Once upon a time, the was a boy who wish to learn how to fly. And though he hid it well, if you looked deep in his eyes, You could see the pain. But he believed, that the there was much more to gain If he sustained, and remained then he'd be rid of all disdain. And so he worked till the sun went down You could see him, run all through town. Until one day day, he broke the chains of the lies. And now the boy flies in the skies.

[asalegend]

Cinco de mayo

So Mel was in my head all fucken day. Seriously, she must be a marathon runner by now, running laps in my mind and shit. I know, it was a bad joke, but I never backspace here. In all seriousness though, I considered texting Monica just to see how Mel is doing. Idk what wrong with me, one minute it's fuck her, the next it's like "I miss you". Natalie isn't texting me, most cause she's with matt, and I think they're like secretly in love. Haha. It's funny, I must admit I was a little jelly about it. I was like "no, your suppose to like me!" Anyways, I kinda just felt like I need to get this stuff out of my head. These are the thoughts that I don't discuss with anyone.

[asalegend]

04/02/16 WTF is wrong?

For some reason I feel really stressed. Like, emotionally stressed. Ugh, it's gonna be alans birthday soon and of course Sam wants to have a party for him. And most of all, she wants to have it at her house, which means I'll most likely bump into Melanie if I go. And I really don't want to Mel, I'd I felt vulnerable the second I thought about it. Idk, I guess I'm bummed because Isabel didn't go to the gym tonight, that's pretty much all I looked foward to all day. But back to the Melanie thing... I've been fighting myself so much to not text her or message her or whatever. God, it's beyond frustrating.. because that's not something that even worth my fucken time. Naomi will be her in a week, Natalie will be here in 2, I'll probably bump into a single Melanie in 4 weeks at school, and the girl I like alot... well Idk if she likes me at all. I feel like the walls are closing in... and that new drake album isn't helping you know. Idk, I just want something real. And I know I can be with Natalie, but... why be in a relationship just to be in a relationship? I mean... it's wrong. Cause I definitely don't have strong feelings towards her right now. And Naomi gonna be here, and it's Gonna take all of my will power to stop myself from showing up at her door to see how she is. I feel suffocated. And well, if I run into Mel.. I don't wanna blow her off, I can't do that. But it's what I have to do right? Ugh... I just... I'm so emotionally stressed with this shit, it pisses me off. Hopefully I'll run into Isabel tomorrow, and get some distraction. Cause I like her, she's just the kind of girl I've been wanting to run into

[asalegend]

05/01/16 new month

So I haven't wrote on here in a while. Just haven't had the need for it. Quick update on the things that were going on. I took Johnny advice and don't give the thing with Naomi much thought, and it's Linda working. Melanie broke up with mark (I honestly saw it coming from miles away) and decided to unblock me on Facebook. (5 bucks mark is blocked now) hahaha its funny cause you know, I'm gonna run into her eventually online, and if she thinks I'm adding her or messaging her or anything she's dumb. I literally blocked her as soon as I saw her on alans post. I unblocked her already but still, my first thought were "hahaha is you stupid or what?". As to what's taking center stage right now, surprisingly Natalie kinda is. We've been texting a lot more and it's feels like we're a tab bit closer. I will say that I didn't message her for 2 days and she posted relationship quotes about how ignoring and shit like that pisses people off. But the reality is that I kinda run out of stuff to say to her. Idk, I'm not even sure if I want to have anything with her when she gets back anymore, we're not alike. But now! Let's talk about the legit center stage! So for the last few months there was this girl at the gym who I had a really big crush on. Like, I always wanted to grow a pair and talk to her you know. Well, before we left to spi I did. Haha, I corrected her form on bench press and she actually reacted kindly. Well know, I know a little about her. And let me tell you something... I like her, a lot too. She's shy, and funny and smart. And gets some of the jokes I make. She cares about school and is dedicated to the gym. I'm training her tomorrow, and I hope it all goes well.

[asalegend]

P.S.

On a side note. This thing with Naomi is still killing me. I'm going to be consumed by it pretty soon until I break and reach out to her. And it's frustrating and it even angers me. Because I know what I want, I want her dammit. I've always wanted her and nothing else. And I've always feared this day, the that she came back and I broke again. And yes Sebastian your fucken right, I poked the lion and it growled back. And now here I am, in what I feel is like a stand off with Naomi. In the contradiction that is life. Because one side of me says "no, fuck her. Your passed this" but then the other side says "stop being such a proud asshole and give in. Save this again" and I don't know what the fuck to do. Because I don't want to be used again, but I still love this girl. And even though I had buried her deep down inside, over the few weeks I was left vulnerable, and it's like she fucken knew right! So what do I fucken do! Because this isn't a movie you know, and she's gonna be back in town in almost an exact month. So what do I do huh? Do I reach out to her. Because for the last few fucken minutes I've looked at that insta account without a solid argument not to do it. Because my attention is caught again, and her I fucken am right. Ugh, I need some help here.

[asalegend]

04/19/16 Revelations

So today is a big day in the "moving on" thing with Melanie. She's dating mark! Big mark! Haha, god the guy seriously needs to work on his hygiene though. But here the kicker, she literally went on a date with him a few days after we split up. And now I know that she didn't really have issues at home right! Like, she just decided to go with mark instead of me (granted the guy is smart, but let me tell you something... I'm going places, places that you couldn't imagine). And that's fine, but the lies and deceptions piss me off. And Monica, oh Monica made me furious. Because Sebastian came through, like a real friend and told me. And he told me he waited because he knew it would've broken me of he would've told me right away. But Monica, Monica heard me bitching, she heard me complain and she played along with it. and real friends don't do that. Real friends tell you that truth, real friends tell you the details. Real friends tell you that she's seeing someone else. They don't hide it, they don't keep it from you, AND THEY DEFINITELY DON'T ACT LIKE IT'S NOT GOING ON. now I realized today that Monica, she's never gonna care the way I care for her. And that's not fine. I'm sorry. But you aren't my bestie when you do that. Because this mark thing. Well it just made it a tad bit easier on me. Because now I don't say "maybe she'll come back" now I'm say "well that's dude bro, just let it die" I'd be lying if I said I wasn't so mad I could literally scream. I felt betrayed... by her, by the fact that for the last few fucken weeks she made me think that Melanie still cared. Oh no, she didn't block me because of those bullshit reasons, but because mark was gonna be all over her Facebook that's why! I DON'T NEED TO BE PROTECTED FROM ANYTHING DAMN IT! Be straight up with me, that's all I ever fucken ask from fucken anyone.

[asalegend]

04/17/2016

So kind of a long day. It was day off, and I can say that 7 of these hours were spent watching The Godfather Epic. And it was totally worth it. Besides that, you know the usual, thought about Melanie and how she's pretty much been stuck in my head since Fridays because fuck me right! Idk, I miss her. A little too much now, this feeling is a bit sickening to be completely honest. Something else did happen today, something that scared me a little. You see for some reason I'll randomly get on instagram and send Naomi a request for a few hours. Just enough for her to check her phone and say "fuck, you again". It's messed up. Because oh you know, I kinda do it to piss her off and remind her of what happened there (I know, not very mature). But to be completely honest, I've always kinda hoped that she would let me follow her again on it. And we'll today I went back on to do my little ritual and there it was, almost word by word, the Elliott hulse quote that I have on my profile. And well, 98% of the time she's blocked on Facebook so the only way she can ever really reach out to me is through there. And, for some reason it got to me. Because, even If I hate to admit it, she knows how I am. And she knew that by doing that, she would grab my attention. And it scared me, the thought of opening that door again. And at first I fought myself hard about it, saying I didn't want to do it. But I eventually broke, and sent her a request and meant it. But you see, I don't think there could ever be something there again. Even if the tiny part of me that survived the onslaught that was her is a little hopeful, I still want to keep my distance. And I'm scared that I won't be able to do that. I'm scared that she'll come around and I'll break, and that I'll be back into that limbo. But you see... I liked the way Melanie made me feel. I like the way Natalie occasionally makes me feel. And I wanna feel that again, and I don't think I can so that with Naomi. Johnny says I miss the idea of Melanie and maybe that's what I miss. But I don't miss the feeling of emptiness that Naomi left me with so many times. So tell me. What should I do? Because right now... I'm scared that Melanie, is gonna get replaced with Naomi.... and I don't want that he warmth that Mel left me with, to leave... not yet

[asalegend]

04/16/16

So I've been thinking about Mel a lot lately. Unfortunately yesterday her messages on Facebook showed up on my messenger again. And well, her phone number was there. I've pretty much memorized it now. Idk why, but she's pretty much all I've thought about lately, and it's a little frustrating.

[asalegend]

The goal

So I'm trying to stay off Facebook today. And it's already proving to be a tab bit difficult. We'll see how it goes folks

[asalegend]

Strip it down, strip it down Back to you and me like it used to be When it was an old back road with an old school beat Cowboy boots by your little bare feet Let it out, tell me right now Everything I need in them white cotton sheets Dirty dance me slow in the summertime heat Feel my belt turn loose from these old blue jeans We both know that we lost it somehow Let’s get it found Strip it down, down, down

[asalegend]

04/11/16

So things started really weird today. See I had to go to give a payment at our lawyers office today, and they work in the west side of town. And as soon as I woke up its like I said "Melanie work in the west side, go see her" and pretty much all morning as I was getting ready that's all I wanted to do. Hell, as I was telling myself that I wasn't going to go, I was literally picking out certain clothes that she would like... so I did what I thought best, I texted Monica the words "tell me not to do it" and she didn't text back. I drove out to the law offices, paid, somehow remembered the name of the place where she worked, and drove there. As luck would have it, I took a wrong turn, and my GPS made me drive for like an extra 15 minutes (talk about a sign right). And I remember being mad, mad because Monica hadn't stopped me yet, because for some reason in my mind, it was her job to bring me back down to earth and tell me to stop being an idiot. I had kinda thought out what I was gonna say, and then BAM... there it was, the building she worked at. And I knew I was gonna have to look for her cause, well it was a big building. And I pulled into the parking lot and stopped in what wasn't a parking spot and had a mini panic attack. I told myself that her car wasn't there so she wasn't there, but no... because she car pulled with her mom and sister for work. So I parked in a real spot, and tried to talk myself out of it. And right before I got off the car... Monica text me. And she obviously asked questions but she did as I asked, and told me to go home. Told me what I knew I needed to hear. And as I pulled out and took the street out, the road was closed. And I thought it was another sign, but Monica told me to leave again. And so I did. But... it was weird, how all of a sudden, I couldn't take not having Melanie there again. And all of a sudden, I had to fight again. I had to go down swinging like I use to do for Naomi.... and I was happy to see that, I wasn't the emotionless rock that I feared I had become... but I was disappointed, disappointed that Melanie was gone. And well, we all have to learn how to lose. It's a fact of life. From there on I worked and texted Natalie. And thing with Natalie got more real. She opened up a bit to me, and I gave her the advice I think she needed... it was nice, because this whole time I feared that this could just be superficial, but maybe there is something real there right?

[asalegend]

04/08/16

So my dad went out of town today, and I have to house to myself again. Not something I'm a fan of, so I had some friends come over. We made phillys and drank a few brews. It was nice and fun. I texted Monica pretty much all day and Natalie for the most part. I'm really liking the way that Natalie cares about the things I say, but Monica is honestly the thing that's been on my mind mostly. I can't stop thinking about how confused I feel around her. I like her again, and if we keep texting like this, it's gonna be destructive for me. I really wish things were different, because I'm having a hard time convincing myself that I just wanna stay as a friend

[asalegend]

04/07/16 Morning

So, it's been a while since I've been here. This has actually helped clear my mind. Well, these last few days have been alright. I've talked to Natalie and Monica the whole time basically. There's also this girl from tinder, but she's not really around. Umm, well things are going decent with nat, I feel like she still likes me, but we won't know till she's back in town. I've decided not to talk to her today. As for Monica... it's getting a little weird. We're too close again, and I don't want old feelings coming back up. I'm pretty sure she doesn't know that I use to be crazy about her, and apparently Sebastian told me that she did want me to make a move back then. But he's right. I need to thread lightly, and back off a little. She's with jesu, and I'm definitely not touching that. Johnny actually thought they had broken up because well, she doesn't even mention him online and they basically ignore each other all day. And we'll every time we hung out, people always thought we were dating because of how else got along. I can't get caught up on this though. It's not healthy, and I'm done being the guy who waits around... but like I said, if things every go bad and I'm not with anyone... I won't mess up again