asdokse

[asdokse]

new year’s resolution

happy new year, i guess?  2020 is (was) a scare to us all, no?

hello tumblr? how you’ve been? for this post, i will talk about my life resolution... lol ‘di na lang siya for new year because i want to change myself for the better. Lucky we, every several years we are new because or cells keep regenerating and giving us new body! 

For this year, I’ve learned new things about myself, some are good and most are bad that I started to hate myself. Fortunately, with these new lessons, I was able to start love myself. I’m not yet there but I am enjoying the process.

2020 made me realized that I can be happy on my own. I can make myself laugh, I enjoy my own company, I know what I want, I know what to do... however, I don’t take actions to do it... That’s the thing I hate about myself. I plan and plan and plan and plan and plan... but I’m not doing it! I am too lazy, too stubborn, uncooperative at least!! Ugh. I hate myself for doing that to myself. All I did is plan and never accomplished it. I will acknowledge some of my efforts but it wasn’t enough. I cant; continue to make plans and decisions and not follow it. That’s the thing I’ve noticed about myself. For some decisions, I let pride take over and let myself made rude and terrible actions. I don’t want to be that person. 

For this new year, I want to start taking actions and do the things I’ve planned. I don’t know exactly how I will follow myself. That’s weird right? That I cannot follow my own plan? my own decision? Am I crazy? What disorder is this?

As I enter my 20s next year, I want to be able to be the woman my young teen wants me to be. What she’s like, you ask?

Miss E of the future, she does not care about others’ opinions but listen to criticisms and she carry herself with confidence that she looks radiant and elegant. She is able to enjoy herself and does not depend on anyone. She knows when to put down her pride and be humble of her achievements. She is honest. She is very wise and smart. Lot of books have taught her well (this means: START READING!). Every time she doubts herself, she will be reminded that she is doing this because she is capable, she is strong. No one can dictate how should she live her life because she is the master of her own life. But also, she cries when it hurts, she gets angry when it’s unfair, she feel scared when it is very dark. She knows that her feelings are valid but won’t do such actions that are not valid just because of these emotions. And of course, she is fun, the best Tinay (tita + nanay) and really seizing the life she was gifted. 

So yeah, that’s my life resolution! For 2021, I’m going to start small and end big. ✊🏾 

Details of my plans for 2021: My New Start

1. Every plan I will make will be followed thoroughly. (this includes: how I approach a person, diet & exercise plan, replies, how will I spend the day) 

2. Healthy lifestyle: enough sleep, good diet, proper exercise, WATER, communicate properly, clean room and balance life-study 😊

3. Connect more with family and friends: plan dates and outings! 

4. Explore: Travel alone, have a tattoo hihi, learn another culture, learn scuba diving, ride extreme rides, eat new food, master an instrument, bake new delicacies

5. Study well: study honestly, with more dedication, master the core subjects!

6. Make a recipe book!

7. Record. every. stories. of. every. day. (includes: current fav. song, artist, things, series/movie, person)

8. Continue to paint even if you are not following the technicalities, it’s okay! 

To future Miss E,

I don’t know why it is hard to love yourself and easy to love other people? Why are we so selfish with ourselves?

Hey, I hope you are doing great! Another new year? We are blessed. I just hope we are strong and brave enough to achieve all these hopes and dreams. I believe in you, Dr. E. Carpe diem... carpe diem. And may these questions be answered...

See you soon, future Miss E! 

xoxo, 

Miss E 🌱

[asdokse]

Am I in the right path?

unorganized thoughts anyone? 

This past few months, I started my online class. I took BS Physical Therapy in this private school, fortunately, I got a scholarship for having a good grades in Senior High School and today... I am writing because I am scared that I won’t be able to fit the criteria for next semester.  That is one of my many insecurities in studying in this school. I am afraid that I will be a burden to our family’s financial capacities. Second, I am not smart enough... because I didn’t take the entrance exam! I just got lucky... so am I in the right path? Parang pinilit ko lang kasi... Third, I am faking it. TOTALLY FAKING IT! I don’t know it feels like I am not the person I am presenting to my class, I am not the same person I was in senior high school. Online class is really different. Before, I was always ready in reporting, now I just rely on scripts that I’ve made hours or days before the reporting and I hate that I do that. Fourth... I guess it’s not in the school but I didn’t manage to have a “college best friend” first day or first week of college, I do have this high school friend and group of friends but I cannot discreet to them everything, you know? The best friend type.  I am such a clown. I have this confidence but I can’t even tell my friends how it sucks to feel lost, to not meeting the expectations I set. I am such a clown because if I am truly confident, I will know and will be motivated that I can do better. (But just like what I’ve written to my journal, “What if it’s the best I can do for that day?”) Fuck my standards! The real question for today is “Am I in the right path?”, I am scared that it’s all in my heart but my mind cannot handle all of it... I am scared that I’ll be wasting all my time for NOTHING! If I’m scared now, doesn’t it mean a thing? But I don’t have anything that I want to do, this pre- med that I chose isn’t totally my back- up, I fell in love for it when I experienced it for 14 days. I don’t know if I can last years in it! I also thought that it is the recommended pre- med that’s why I took it. Journalism doesn’t make my heart beat anymore, filming and directing looks like a blur to me, I don’t have exact plans when I graduate... but in medicine.. I have these steps, these 10 years to get that MD, I have a plan but I’m not really sure if I’ll enjoy it...If I have all these doubts doesn’t it saying something?

I don’t know. I am fucking confused! I just hope I’ll find my right path and deeply wish and pray this is it... If you ever read this and you’re a Senior High School, do yourself a favor and weigh your options, be sure of what you’ll choose!

To future Miss E, Hey! Don’t be so tamad naman! It’s hard to have these insecurities and let you doubt yourself! 

Because in life, kasipagan talaga ang tutulong sa’yo. It will keep you do things that you love and enjoy, it will help you stay motivated, it will help you in your studies especially, I just hope that you an apply this everyday...

I just hope that you are walking in our right path, right now. It may be hard to achieve everything and feel like you deserve it but I know you won’t let your parents and yourself be disappointed. I just hope we can change things ASAP!  Also, spend time with your parents, they are getting old. They look young but everyone’s time is in fucking timer right now so hold them tight and let them feel your love.. XOXO, Miss E 🌱

[asdokse]

bata, bata, bata ka pa ba?

“Time will always flow. Everything will pass by. That might be why youth is beautiful. It shines, blindingly bright, for just an instant. But you can never go back to it.” – Deok Sun

Habang sinusulat ko ito pinapakinggan ko ang OST ng Reply 1988, isa sa mga dahilan kung bakit ko ito sinusulat.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KsPvN7a7cCo

Heto, pakinggan niyo na rin habang binabasa ito.

Naalala niyo pa ba yung mga araw na dahan- dahan niyong bubuksan yung pinto ng gate, para di malaman ng nanay mo na lalabas ka at makikipaglaro sa mga kaibigan kahit na tirik na tirik pa ang araw?

Agawan- base? Patintero? Piko? Pogs? Ano pa ba? Tumbang preso! Sino mother niyo sa chinese garter? HAHAHA

Sino yung mga kalaro niyo noon? Nag- away ba kayo dahil ‘di kayo yung piniling kakampi?

Nang tumanda na nang kaunti, tambay na lang sa mga bahay, ganyan. Magluluto at kakain ng pancit canton na sa isang iglap, nawala na! Sasayaw sa usong kanta, pillow fights atbp.

Hindi ko man lubusang maalala ang bawat detalye ngunit naalala ko yung mga malalakas na tawa at yung pakiramdam na naibigay nito.

Sa totoo lang, kaya ako napasulat nito dahil sa napanood kong KDrama na Reply 1988, it made me reminisce to the good old days.

I’m just 18 pero pakiramdam ko parang ang tagal nanung huli kong naramdaman yung pagiging teenager ko, parang sa isang iglap wala na yung youth phase ko. Nakatuon na kasi ang pansin ngayon sa kolehiyo; sa mga mas malalaking bagay. In short, #Adulting! HAHAHA

Ang sarap lang balikan yung mga panahon na bata ka pa, iiyak kasi di ka crush ng crush mo! Patagong susubukan yung lipstick ng ate kasi pagagalitan ka pag nahuli ka! 

Reply 1988 reminded me that this would be the last two years of my teen years, I should embrace my youth, try to keep the lessons in my heart and slowly let it go, just let it go in the past but do not forget it.

Sadly, there’s a pandemic that holding us back from enjoying the last years of my youth.

If only I could say things to the past Miss E and change some things. I would.

I would be more free, I will let myself commit mistakes, I will tell myself that I should just enjoy, this years were made for you to enjoy and bring the lessons as you grow old. 

I was happy, I am happy with all those years I had but I am not contented because I wasn’t able to enjoy it fully. Honestly, I restricted myself from a lot of things because I thought of people’s opinions and I was caged with rules to obey. 

I cannot specifically say the things I should have done but I felt that there are things that I’ve missed. 

Nanghihinayang ako na kakaunting oras na lang ang natitira. Iba na kasi eh, iba na dahil wala na yung innocence.

Am I making sense? Does anyone also miss their youth? 

We will do different with this post. Instead of writing to the future Miss E, let’s try to write to the past Miss E.

To the past Miss E,

I’ll try to enjoy the life and see the bigger picture. You have learned a lot from the experiences you have. It may seem that it is just few and not like any others’ but it is who you are. We may not have the experiences we want but we can make more! We can enjoy the life that’s ahead of us while looking back from where we were. 

The youth you’ve experienced will remain in your heart and we will go back there when things got complicated because things were easier back then and we’ll see how we can simplify the complicated with that young heart. 

I am thankful that you did not do the craziest stuff, you kept your principles at the same time, I am also thankful that you somehow took some of our innocence away as we explore the world because it is helping me to prepare for the future.

I am sorry that I wasn’t able to do all the things you want, I am sorry that I haven’t give you enough memories that will make us contented.

I hope I’ll look back someday and won’t regret a thing. 

“I regret being unable to say my final farewell. To the things that are already gone, to a time that has already passed, I want to say a belated farewell. Goodbye, my youth.” - Deok Sun

From this day on, I’ll do my best so that I won’t regret the decisions I’ll make. I’ll live a happier life where my youth will be my inspiration. You, past Miss E deserves to be happy with that young heart. All the insecurities and bad energy may go away as we sail through this ocean of life.

I hope I’ll make you proud. 

Future Miss E, be young at heart. Enjoy life because it will fuck you someday and you’ll just have the attitude that will laugh back at it because it’s fuckery just tickled you. quEEn thingZ ✨✨😉

XOXO,

Miss E 🌱

[asdokse]

A stunning photo showing Filipinos practicing social distancing during a protest to #JunkTerrorBill #JunkTerrorBillNow 

Because Filipinos aren’t undisciplined. They simply know what rules protect them and what do not.

Also shown: Protesters kneeling in solidarity with the Black Lives Matter movement. 

MORE PHOTOS AND SOURCE CAN BE FOUND IN THE REBLOG BECAUSE TUMBLR HIDES POSTS WITH LINKS. If you have Facebook, share the original post there, which has more amazing photos of the protest. 

[asdokse]

[asdokse]

Saturday, 6 June 2020

i don’t know day

Hi! It is I, Miss E! How are you? ME? I am fine, thank you.

These past week was a mess... well until now. It will not be over soon. Since my day wasn’t filled with drama, I will share what happened to the past days that I didn’t post here.

I’ll try to do it with a spontaneous poem but it is in Filipino, it is where I am more comfortable to do a poem. 😬😬😬

Pag gising sa umaga, panibagong talinghaga Kinakailangang imulat ang mga mata Upang makita ang sinag ng araw na kay ganda Katawa’y pupunuin ng kape, ginigising ang diwa

“Ang sarap ng buhay? Sana ganito na lang tayo palagi ah.” Sa likod ng kanyang mga salita, mga Pilipino’y nawawala Hindi alam kung san pupulot ng kwarta “Sana di ganito palagi ang buhay”, tugon nila

Sumisigaw ang bayan, bunganga’y sinalampakan ng batas Mga papel ay kinalampag, mga opisyal ay baliw Sa silang, unti- unting nadudurog ang perlas ngunit hindi papatinag ang bayan nitong di na magiliw!

Pag gising sa umaga, ipasok sa alaala Ang bawat salita at gawa ng mga nang aalipusta Imulat ang mga mata sa katotohanang nakabalandra Gisingin ang pusong galit at ipaglaban ang bayang maralita!

- Miss E -

#JunkTerrorBill Yes, the Philippine president declared a bill, that is against our human rights and shuts the criticism, urgent! In the midst of a pandemic, the representatives and senators pushed through a bill that really points activism as terrorism. The problem here is the vagueness of their definition of terrorism and the possibility of this incompetent government to arrest and detain innocent people, of course the worst is to kill innocent people... in the past events and the records of this government, yes, it is a possibility. The law allows to arrest and detain a suspect without a warrant and even without a full hearing, a group can be declared terrorists. And everyone can be surveilled now (and that will affect their privacy, of course) because there are new crimes that have been added to the law, compared to 2007 Human Security Act Section 7, the only suspected terrorist and conspirator can be subjected to surveillance. It will not even pay you for damage when you got acquitted from being a terrorist. (2007 Human Security Act have that section- Sec 41 specifically, but Ant- Terror Bill removed that part on it.)

Can you see how fucked up everything is? They have arrested already 6 jeepney drivers who were rallying (saying they didn’t observe the rules about the social distancing) and 7 UP students who were rallying, as well (and who are up until now are not given a reason why they were arrested) but there are officials who have been doing mass gathering, before all of this, even with pandemic. One senator even travelled around as a positive COVID-19 patient! You know what the government said? “Patawarin” and “Hindi mapapalitan si Sinas” Selective justice pa more!! I’m not actually safe for typing these words and there is a possibility that they will arrest me for these. But I know. I am no terrorist than the people who are in the position and who are wearing the uniform.

These are the other current issue of our country like the Lumads, students that are being left behind (DepEd and other school’s apathetic decisions), the shutting down of ABS- CBN, (which I think is temporarily back? I haven’t read a news about it but I’ve heard some.) the misplace priorities of the government, the deprived jeepney drivers, the innoncent souls that have been killed from EJK, the police brutality, the misunderstood and missing Mass Testing. I haven’t shared my thoughts about these, it could be a long post but I am encouraging everyone who are reading this to let their voice out and let’s all clear this issues.

I hope- no- I push everyone to keep their eyes and mouths open! Saying the truth, protecting the unfortunate and ousting the deceitful! With all the privilege we have compare to our kapwa, we are the one who have to do more! To shout more! To post more! Let’s lift the Filipinos and bring down the tyrants! DISCLAIMER: I AM NOT A MEMBER OF ANY GROUP THAT WANTS TO TAKE DOWN THE COUNTRY, I AM A FILIPINO THAT WANTS TO MAKE MY COUNTRY BETTER BY HAVING COMPETENT LEADERS WITH FAIR JUSTICE!

To future Miss E,

How’s the Philippines? I only have a few reminder to you. 1. Never leave the Filipinos for the other nationality, they need your help today and they will need your help tomorrow. I hope your love for your country never fade. 

2. If there are people who are being oppressed, speak up for them, be courageous, and ignite the bravery of other people. So that, the world will not be full of nasty human beings.

3. Also, never be afraid to speak up for yourself especially when you are the one who is being silenced, remember, you are brave and there are people who are willing to help you, and lastly, do not be afraid as God is in your heart, it will see the truth and spread the goodness through you. 

xoxo, Miss E 🌱

[asdokse]

Friday, 29 May 2020

Why did I start this?

Hi! It is I, Miss E and I’m here to start my tumblr life. I’ve always been interested in writing novels, short stories and poems. It has been a hobby of mine to write what happened about my day on my diary. I think I have 5 or more notebooks that witnessed my everyday kagagahan and kaartahen.

Yep, I’m a Filipina and today it feels like a burden because of the government but enough of that. Maybe, I can talk about it later? So, let’s go back. Why did I make an account here? I’ve always write notes in my phone whenever I’m tired of writing on my diary but the difference now is, I cannot tweet or post it on facebook. I’m shy. 😗 Also, I feel restricted, I cannot freely share my personal thoughts. Here on tumblr, I want to exercise my writing skills, improve my grammar and write my story and thoughts without feeling shy and restricted and make it into art. That is why you’re reading this. I will honestly post my stories here and I hope I can look back and smile to myself with saying, “Those are good days...”

What happened yesterday?

Thursday, 27 May 2020

I was feeling emotional for the past few days, I slept A LOT, being LAZY and felt EMPTY.

In this chapter of my life, the pressure was on. I’m 18 years old and incoming freshman college. Before the COVID-19, everything is already a mess in my mind because I still don’t have a school to be enrolled for the college, SIS I’M PANIC--- HAHAHA The school year is almost over! So far, the two results from the universities I’ve applied; I didn’t passed the entrance exams. I can go to the other one but I don’t want the course they are offering to me. The other one, i didn’t passed it. I was so ashamed to share it my friends that I’ve lied about it.  Last week, the results from my dream school came out and guess what, I didn’t passed also. I am convincing myself that it is because I’m not from the city it belongs. Almost all of the passed students were from this specific city which the school prioritize. It is a state university so...that’s their rule, I guess. Well, that’s the reason I’m convincing myself into... Now, a private school had already accepted my application before the results of my dream school came out, I said I would wait for my dream school before deciding something. I am sad because of my dream school, really sad. Sayang yung free tuition! But I was really sad because I know very well that I didn’t did well in every examination I had and I don’t really deserve to be in those schools... I am doubting my capacity, di naman ako matalino katulad nang akala nila...  That is why I cried, I cried when I delivered the news to my parents and ate (big sister) because I felt that I disappointed them from not passing the schools! I only passed at that private school because it didn’t have an entrance exam! How can they say that entrance exam aren’t the batayan if you’re matalino or not? How? When I am hear feeling so low because I did not meet the expectations I and other people have to myself...

Now, the decision have to be made, the only choice I have is to be on that private school, I’m actually waiting for results of another state university but there is a deadline for this private school, we need to make reservations.The choices now are: online class or be delayed? Online Class Pros

Comfortable Safe from infection Cons Not suitable for me Internet connection sayang tuition

Be delayed Pros

Will surely learn when the face- to- face classes will come back di masasayang tuition

Cons

tambay Will be late from the timeline of being a doctor

hmm?

To future Miss E,

(This will be a part of my everyday chronicles because I want to share the things I’ve learned and remind my future self everything. It is always good to learn and realize new things.)

Just like what my dad and ate said when I cried to them, “If it’s not for you, it will not be given to you.” Yes. it’s hard to accept that things aren’t for you but God always do have a plan for you. We have our own paths and that will be worth it and fits exactly for you.

We can’t always push what we want, we can ask God but we cannot doubt Him, okay?  Don’t be afraid. Strengthen your faith. It was (not) given to you because it is (not) for you.  You may ask that why is it not for me?  It is not for you because you do have better choices and purposes. It was not given to you as some other people needs it more than you do and they deserved it. You deserve something different from them. Whatever it is, God will give you what you deserve as He planned your life.

Additional lesson, your past doesn’t define you. Your failures doesn’t define you! You can ALWAYS strive to be better! Learn from the past but do not live in it.  Now, that you’ve seen you strength and weaknesses, live with you weakness by improving it, maybe not the best but better. Okay?

Stay strong, powerful bitch! Change the world, put happiness on it! XOXO, Miss E 🌱