ashhdb-blog

[ashhdb-blog]

Hey guys, My name is Ash and I’m 13 years old. I made this account to talk about what I go through on a daily and weekly basis. So I have depression, and had it for 3 years starting in 5th grade. And after 3 years i only told 1 person. He’s my best friend, but a little more. Other ppl know I’m sad a lot and other stuff, but he knows most. He knows I cut myself but I made a promise with him that I wouldn’t do it anymore. But I’ve made this promise to a few people and I lied or lost it. He’s different though. I love him to death, and it would hurt him if I told him or worse he found out. So I’m hoping that I won’t break our promise. He made me a promise that he wouldn’t self-harm himself either but the day after that he cut himself. Yes I was mad but I love him to much to hold it against him. Plus, I know what it’s like and he wasn’t thinking at the time. I also understand he goes though possibly worse than I do. I’m not going to say even though I haven’t said his name and not planning on to but it’s for the better. Anyways I’m happy that he didn’t “lie” or hide it from me but he did break our promise. It makes me upset and it hurts me because first off It hurts badly when I see him in pain or if he’s not ok. Second I trusted him not to do that and he did it anyways. And third I hate being lied to. The reason I lost some friends is because they completely lied to me and that’s not ok. Although he didn’t actually lie to me,he lied to our promise. I made him swear that he would do it again. I trust him because if he does it again , I will do the same pain he went though 5 times worse. For example, if he cuts 5 times , I cut 25. I know this isn’t the best punishment but if he goes through pain so will I. He’s that person that if they died, I would go with him. Enough about that alreadyy!! Back on to my depression. To tell you what it’s like, it sucks. Having no one to go to because you don’t want people thinking your weird or you have issues. I have the option to go to a few people, but I choose most the time not to. And every time I want to talk to them about it, they are in the greatest mood ever and I wouldn’t want to end that. I care more about other than myself if you haven’t noticed. Also, I really never know what to say. Like I feel like my thoughts choose to stay in my head and not into anyone else’s if that makes sense. But I learned over the years how to tame it. I can put a smile on my face until I get home. But I’m able to to seem perfectly fine. That’s the reason no ones knows and has ever questioned me. That’s a good thing bc I have trust issues and I’m not going to go around and tell everyone. I’m not going to tell people that I’ll stay up till 5 in the morning balling my eyes out silently thinking about what I have become. Fuck no. I don’t feel like going on anymore and it’s 5:17 right now so I’m dreading for sleep but I hope to post regularly , Goodnight❤<3