ashleighckennedy-blog

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Shoot for the moon, because even if you miss you'll land among the stars.

[ashleighckennedy-blog]

My heart is trying to chase after you but my mind is holding it back so it won’t get hurt by you again

This epitomizes my relationship with my husband.

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This speaks to me. Thank you.

[ashleighckennedy-blog]

Hello, again.

I am pleased to announce that I have been seeing results, albeit minimal, after trying some different free workouts online and adding the shakes and Leptigen to my diet. The truth is that I don't think I’m going to see the results I am looking for until I can create some sort of harmony in my life. 

I am walking on egg shells with my husband. We are still married, but separated and in different states. It is a small hell to be without the man I once was head over heels in love with, and who still calls and torments me almost daily. It is torment to have him beg me to come back, but how do I tell him I no longer believe we should be together. How do I make it clear that the emotional abuse and manipulation I suffered was enough to be traumatizing? 

I don’t.

He claims to have changed, but I still am left feeling drained and anxious after our phone calls. I can no longer picture a life with him, or, perhaps more accurately, no longer wish to. I want peace, comfort, and stability-things he’s never been able to give me. Our past is riddled with extreme highs and even more extreme lows. Violence. Lies. Distrust. Anxiety. Stress. Misery. 

I lost myself. Until I realized it didn’t have to be that way any longer, and I left. I’m living alone with our two young children. He has not sent me more than $80.00 since I’ve been gone (5.5 mos). I have a two-yr old in diapers. His excuse? He sold our family Excursion and bought an M6 coupe. He couldn’t send me any money because he took on a car payment. Why? Because he deserves it, he says. 

It is just one in a long string of examples of him putting himself first, before his family. I don’t want to live with someone like that. How can a person change that about themselves when they don’t see anything wrong with it? 

He put me down for everything “wrong” I’ve ever done in my life. Although he has since apologized for doing so, the scars are still deep and the pain very real. I don’t want to ever find myself in that dark place again. I want to be lifted up and appreciated for who I am- loved for who I am (flaws included). I can see that future, but, alas, he’s not in that vision. 

I pray for both of us, and, especially, for our beautiful daughters who inevitably will end up in the middle. I wish it wasn’t so. 

Life is too good to pass through it in a constant state of stress and misery. So, I work every day to find that happiness within myself so that I may one day be able to love and be loved selflessly. 

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Dear Ladies, please don’t let one day pass without you feeling like the beautiful, talented, bomb ass goddess you are.

[ashleighckennedy-blog]

Steady Does It

Yesterday was day three of the Almased diet. To be fair, it was only the second full day of the shakes, three a day. Although I did not work out yesterday (Christmas shopping for the kiddos, grocery shopping, and replacing my mom’s car battery took precedent), I did stick to the diet with the exception of two beers (met up with some friends that are home for the holidays in the midst of shopping). I also went to bed relatively early. Getting more sleep has helped me the last couple days with stamina and energy levels.

I had a shake this morning and just got done with a workout (Level II of the Jillian Michaels 30-day shred). I am looking forward to making the pumpkin version of the shake for lunch.

I have not weighed myself yet, so not sure whether there has been a loss, but I am feeling better and feeling optimistic-those two reasons alone are enough for me to stick to this.

Happy Sunday.

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Day Three

So, this is day three since I announced to the world that I am going to quit drinking, start working out every day, and essentially begin a fast on Almased shakes. Well, day one was a success (worked out but had not purchased the shake mix yet), day two (yesterday) was a total failure, and today I am back on track. 

Just got done with a nice workout, made a protein shake, and am blogging (ahhh how wonderful old routine feels)! I still haven't had the chance to purchase the shake, which I will attribute part of yesterdays failure to, but I also couldn't help but self-medicate on some red wine, and did not work out. Ugh, total failure. 

As I was doing my cool-down stretches today, I kept telling myself over and over to just not drink! I feel so guilty when I do and what fun is there in that!? Many of you that have read my many posts agonizing over drinking while trying to maintain a healthy lifestyle are probably wondering whether I am an alcoholic and need AA? I don’t know. I don’t think so. I honestly just really enjoy it.

Anyway, I have a big day of not eating ahead of me...so off to the shower and the store for some Almased. Wish me luck and send me positive thoughts!

Thank you World for listening.

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Back At It

I’m seriously disappointed with myself for taking such a long hiatus from writing on this blog, as well as from continuing with my regular workout routine. I hate to say that after two and a half months of working out consistently 5-6 (and some weeks 7) days a week, I was still seeing the same number on the scale. 

I didn’t really change my diet much, but I have never been an unhealthy eater. My favorite meal is a giant salad. A lot of people tried to encourage me by telling me, ‘Don’t worry muscle weighs more than fat.” But I wasn’t seeing much of a difference anywhere on my body. That is why I just stopped for a while, stopped working out and maybe drank a little heavier and I am so so disappointed at the results!

Throughout my path to healthier eating and living, there is one indulgence I have not been able to go without: my wine. I’m beginning to think that, if I want to see a difference, I’m going to have to limit my beloved wine-drinking to maybe twice a month. Also, I’m going to have to truly diet- meaning, I am going to restrict myself to 3 Almased shakes a day and cut out all alcohol completely for 14 days. In addition to the shakes, I just ordered a free 15-day supply of a weight-loss pill called Leptigen. This is going to be the hardest challenge I’ve ever completed and I will be finished right before Christmas (just in time to have a drink for the holidays and to enjoy Christmas dinner!)

I’ve decided to try the Almased plan after seeing it several times in several magazines I read regularly. Also, I just don’t have the discipline to diet without someone else (or in this case a plan made by someone else) guiding me through it. I thought I would add the Leptigen to my diet, as, unlike Almased, it is actually backed by scientific studies that have shown weight loss in people taking the supplement, one pill twice a day with a balanced diet. 

A few additional reasons that I’ve decided to try Almased, is that I’ve read that it helps increase energy, it is gluten free, and made with all-natural products. I just don’t think that I have anything to lose at this point. 

 I’m desperate to see a change in my body! When I first started working out, I was able to continue every day just based on the high it gave me-the endorphins coursing through me were great-but it is not enough to continue something like that without also seeing physical changes in the body. 

I am going to track my results, and hope to get on here at least once daily to ensure I am keeping up with my exercise routine-sharing my progress publicly has definitely worked to keep me motivated to get a workout in. So...I’m back and am looking forward to continuing my life-long journey toward a happier and healthier me.

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30-Day Shred: Round 3

I am about 5 days into my third round of the Jillian Michaels 30-day shred, which means I am on level one (for the third time!). I feel great. And I am, quite frankly, proud of myself. 

My consistency with writing after every workout has definitely been shoddy, but I am going through so damn much right now. I am facing demons from my childhood that I always thought I would be able to compartmentalize and ignore forever, but this tragedy with my husband has awoken a slew of emotions and feelings and, basically, just a whole basket of shit. And I’m done. I’m done with fighting it. I’m done running. 

I’m facing the consequences of a lifetime of running, a lifetime of anger and, probably-more than likely-resentment. This process has been painful, and is painful every single day, but I am wading through the slicing pain and the horribly lonely darkness. I am allowing the pain to course through me, ripple by ripple, all the while hoping, praying, trying to believe, that happiness and peace await me on the other side. 

My anger has kept me going, kept me fighting, kept me always attempting the impossible/facing the biggest challenge- or was it something else? Something else dip inside me that I never acknowledged? These are but a couple of the questions I hope to answer after this journey to the center of my own soul. I am hoping to find a new awareness, a new way of life in which I am no longer running, no longer hurting, but instead merely LIVING and enjoying the people around me: Especially my heartbreakingly beautiful children, my sisters and brothers, my mother, grandmother, aunts and uncles and (I so hope) my husband.  

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Round II: Level 3: Day 25

Well into my level 3 workout and feeling great. I am sore everywhere- which is a good thing I suppose since it means I'm getting something out of these workouts. I am still noticing a difference in my appearance- everything is more toned.

I also got a compliment on my biceps yesterday! I am thinking I will post some pics after I get through this second round- everyone loves pics. 

I am pushing through these workouts, trying not to think about my love life. I am heartbroken and still in love all at the same time. It is miserable.

Still trying to stay positive, still trying to become a better person every day. 

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Round II: Day 21

Today was the first day of level III in my second round of the 30-day shred. It felt great! I actually think I like level three better than level two...

Still waiting on my belly fat to go away- that and my legs to get a little smaller and more toned. I still weigh the same as I did when i started round one! I am sure it has something to do with muscle-weight vs. fat-weight: Muscle weighs more than fat, right!? At least that’s what I’ve been telling myself!

I am settling into my new apartment- I have to admit it is nice to have an office-a desk and a place to organize my paperwork and the personal items that mean a lot to me. They have been boxed up and disorganized for so long-since before I moved home after law school (and before I had kids). So I suppose it makes sense that I organize it all now and remember- re-read the things Ive written and try to get a sense of my old self, so that my new self can move forward and grow. I guess that is what we are all hoping for in this life- the chance to grow, to continue to learn and strive to be better- so, that is what I am trying to do these days.

Although it is a Saturday, I am going to work today. I have two clients to visit tomorrow- I would like to add 2 more to that list and one on Thursday. I hope to add appointments to that day as well.

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30-Day Shred Round 2: Day 20

Today was the last day of level two in my second round of the 30-day shred. I am finally noticing a difference! My arms are more toned and muscular and my legs are also looking a little better/ tighter. I wish I would have implemented the protein shake at the beginning like I talked about over and over!!!

I just keep thinking about the picture I found online of a girl that posted before and after pictures- she was half-way through her THIRD round of the 30-day shred and she was truly transformed! Talk about motivation!!!

Speaking of motivation, I started working a new job yesterday. I am able to work from home and to make my own hours- something very new to me... I think it will be wonderful if I can make enough money doing it! My mom is doing it and has been successful, so I am looking to her for inspiration as well as an example. 

The truth is, I HAVE to make it work. I have two children to take care of, which helps when I don't want to make calls (which is pretty much every day). I have also decided to study and take the Ohio bar exam once I have enough money saved up to take some time off work and to pay for the prep-course/ exam fees and travel expenses. It will be approximately $3,000. That also gives me motivation-I would finally be working in a field that I am passionate about!

Tomorrow is level 3!

TGIF

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Round II: Day 15

SO my life has been a whirlwind of tumultuous emotions and days, but I have still managed to continue to workout regularly. I believe today is the 5th day of completion of level two. I may have lost count and be off a day or so, but an extra day or two of the workout isn’t a bad thing. 

I did start on an all natural diuretic (dandelion root pills once a day), and I also started adding a plant-based protein shake to my diet each day after my workout. I have also committed to being better at taking my multi-vitamin once a day. Today is the second day of implementing these changes, and I am optimistic that they will significantly help with my progress. 

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Round II: Day 11

Today was the first day of my second go at level two of the Jillian Michaels 30-day Shred. It was intense. Partly, I think, because I am still using heavier weights than the first time around and also because I haven't been eating or drinking as healthy as I should be. I think giving up my food and beverage indulgences is more difficult for me than working out every day. 

I can blame it on the stress and anxiety I have right now, but there really is no excuse for being unhealthy. I would love to implement a plant-based protein shake. I have yet to do that...Maybe today will be the day!

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Round II: Days 6,7,8,9, 10

So last week was busy spent re-adjusting to life where we are now, but I was still able to get a workout in every day. There is so much involved in a move to a new state...luckily I have done it a time or two and am well-acquainted with the processes required to get settled somewhere new.

I took the kiddos camping this weekend with my mom and brother- it was their first experience. I know they enjoyed themselves! They went swimming in a lake, out on a paddle-boat, and slept in a tent! 

I didn’t workout to Jillian Michaels Saturday or Sunday, but the paddle-boating was a great leg workout and I went swimming as well. So, today is Monday- day 10 and my daughter’s first day of school. Milestones! 

I’m glad I can move on to level two tomorrow. I can tell a difference in my body- I am trimming down. Still not the size I want to be, but I know I will get there. I just have to keep working, every day. 

Although this is personal, I am going to share because it is a part of my recovery and a part of my goal to become a better, healthier, happier person, one day at a time: I have a therapy appointment this afternoon. I am looking forward to the opportunity to communicate with an individual outside of my personal situation. I hope the interaction enables me to reflect on myself and begin on my emotional and mental path to recovery. 

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I don’t feel very strong when I cry. I run from the pain with all my might because it hurts too much to face it. But each day I try to fill my time doing things that will make me stronger, and I pray and surround myself with people that love me. I seek knowledge to gain and build mental strength and remind myself that my children need me to stay strong. 

Here’s to the silver lining...

Tears are a sign of strength. It takes strength to let go. <3