ashlilanay

[ashlilanay]

Today when you touched me and spoke to me, it felt so bittersweet, after everything the past year. Maybe I’ll never stop loving you, and you’ll always have a soft spot in my heart, but there’s another waiting for me, holding his heart out for me now, and I trust that we’ll turn out better than what you and I ever were.

[ashlilanay]

“If you could see your whole life from start to finish, would you change things?”

“Maybe I’d say what I felt more often.”

- Arrival

[ashlilanay]

“Take care of your family, take care of your friends, but also take care of yourself, for one cannot pour water from a cup that is already empty.”

— Nicole Addison @thepowerwithin | Instagram

[ashlilanay]

『no color』

update

2019.05.09

[ashlilanay]

Salem, MASSACHUSETTS

[ashlilanay]

I didn’t know that I could love someone or something so much until I met you and that’s so cliche but it’s true 🍍

[ashlilanay]

[ashlilanay]

I grew up in an exam hall, with sweaty palms and slippery pens, writing a history exam, knowing full well I would fail, but I didn’t care, because I had lost everything, I had lost my best friend, the person closest to me, and I didn’t care about anything any longer.

I grew up under the air conditioner light, in my bed on the night I was all alone, when I stayed awake till morning, wanting to call my mom yet not wanting to wake her up, knowing full well this battle was mine and mine alone, on the emptiest of nights.

I grew up in between text messages telling me you didn’t love me any longer, in between pleads for mercy and begging for reconsideration, trying my best to change your mind, yet knowing full well that there was nothing I could do to change what had happened.

I grew up in a friend’s balcony, when she handed me a joint, and I took it, carefully between my index and middle finger, and brought it to my mouth, breathing in the sin, breathing in the teenage rebellion in the summer sunset.

I grew up on the walk back home, when everything was brighter than normal, I saw everything in rainbow colors, and I looked to the Diwali fireworks, the night sky, and I wondered about the distance between stars, and remembered for the millionth time that I was all alone.

I grew up on drunken nights, between rushing to the toilet sink, and crawling in my bed, rebuking myself for drinking and promising myself that I would never, ever, ever, drink a drop of vodka again, yet knowing, while I threw up, that i would be doing this again tomorrow night.

I grew up between yellow colored apartment buildings, in dark alleyways, with cable lines and spider webs in place of mistletoe, through messy hands and messy lips, a long awaited kiss, long overdue, knowing that this moment wouldn’t last for long, yet hoping it’d last forever.

[ashlilanay]

“Understanding is the first step to acceptance, and only with acceptance can there be recovery.”

— J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (via books-n-quotes)

[ashlilanay]

[ashlilanay]

[ashlilanay]

stockholm - september 2018

[ashlilanay]

Once upon a time in the West, Hayley Eichenbaum

[ashlilanay]

[ashlilanay]

[ashlilanay]

I mean… she’s not wrong 🤷‍♀️

[ashlilanay]

“People write because no one listens.”

— h.h. (via syntacked)