ashlingb

[ashlingb]

being tired is one of the feelings that never seems to leave. you've had a cup of coffee, your brain is working quicker, but your eyelids still feel heavy. you've just had a long 10 hours of sleep, but as you get in the shower, you yawn and all you yearn for is to get back into bed and sleep. you've been taking medication to keep you more lively, more energetic, but you're in class and you feel your head getting closer and closer to laying down on the desk and going to sleep. because this type of tiredness is not something sleep can fix, or caffeine, or pills. this type of tiredness is in the mind, and it never seems to leave.

[ashlingb]

a short piece about regrets and what-ifs

What happens to the actions we don’t take? All the things we could’ve said and done. All the what-ifs. The what-ifs of things we could’ve told someone, things we could’ve shown to someone, all the thoughts and urges we pushed away, tried to ignore, and didn’t do. If those are not your deepest regrets, what are they? 

When I was in middle school, a guy I had liked told me that, years ago, he had liked me, but never said anything. What he hadn’t known at the time was that I had felt the same. So what if? What if he had told me, expressed his feelings to me at that time, or I had? 

I remember the first girl I ever liked, the one who held my hand in the hallways, something that nobody had ever done before, and it made me feel a type of way I had never experienced with someone the same gender as me. All I wanted was to be closer to her, to try more to talk to her. And then she moved away, and we lost touch, and it’s been almost 3 years and I still think about her sometimes. Because what if. What if I had tried harder to be her friend, what if we had gotten closer, what if I had told her how I felt, and what if she had felt that way too?

It is not all about the words you say though. It is also about the things you never do, and never try. In primary and middle school, I loved netball. I wanted to be great at it, as I did and still do at almost everything I put time into. I was in the top teams in my schools and it became one of the things I invariably looked forward to. Then I moved away. I moved away and I stopped playing netball for a while. Nobody I knew did it, nobody I knew really played any school sports at all. A year after I moved I joined the netball club. The first session came around, and I never went. My fear of failure and fear of not being great, as great as I used to be, stopped me. I couldn’t go to the first session, then the second, then the third, and I never went. I haven’t played netball since before I moved, bar one or two PE lessons. But what if I had gone to that club? What if I had gotten over the overpowering feeling of fear and went for it? 

And the worst thing is, as is the case for most regrets, I still regret it. I still regret the actions I did not take and the what-ifs of them haunt me. It has been years since some of the things I haven’t said or haven’t done haven’t happened, and yet I still think about them and what could’ve happened if I had.

[ashlingb]

always an angel, never a god. always the artist, never the muse. always the listener, never the listened to. always the watcher, never the seen.

[ashlingb]

when you grow up as a young child lonely and alone, part of you, not matter how old, will always feel, and always be, that lonely young child.

[ashlingb]

i know i’m loved. i know people love me. its just that the few people i really really want to love me seem to be the only ones that don’t.