ashmartinez

[ashmartinez]

Sadness is selfishness!

How selfish can you be?

I was around thirteen when I first felt something like a jar of bees inside of my head. At first, I did not even care to notice because maybe, I am just tired from school—but it wasn't just school. Years have gone and I thought I was getting better, I thought that it just some sort of "phase" to go through in an adolescent's life but it wasn't. It was bothersome. I was young and full of life, but with poor choices and reckless behavior. I have done a lot of things which I can tell were really good lessons to reflect on now, but made me so hopeless before; while I was dealing with it. I was misunderstood a lot of times which made the sadness even worse. Every year in my life, I have wished for a person who will understand; the universe granted it but it was a work to do. I had no choice but to go through all of it by myself until I no longer feel something about what's wrong. But then again, I was misunderstood.

Many times.

How selfish of me to be sad even though I am surrounded by people who cares about me.

How awful of me to think that I am barely living when my parents are making a life just for me.

It never occurred to me that I was a blessing in some people's lives. The profound wretchedness lingered as the year went on—up until adulthood. I believe that hope is almost impossible to retain because of the never-ending failure and inevitable thoughts of passing. I think I'm pushing myself too much that I'll just keep on losing my balance. This battle in my head just kept on going that I thought I became soulless—I am just so rotten to the core.

[ashmartinez]

Iridescent

I cut myself loose from the hardships of yesterday,

To bring light to my life and for the pain to go away.

But then I cast a spell on an unbreakable curse,

I left with a deep sigh; I was caught at my worst.

She is full of endless possibilities,

I am full of hostilities.

She blooms as the summer flowers,

A sunflower caught me staring for long hours.

In this minuscule four-walled room I stare;

At the bare ceiling, I think in despair.

Contemplating my lies and regrets,

How do I escape, how do I forget?

She ran to me in tears, in agony;

Poor flower has wilted in my own misery.

She asked me if I will love her unconditionally,

I concurred in fear and uncertainty.

The minute space that I grow my thoughts in;

Becomes bigger as my wrath wears thin.

I relieved my affliction by hurting myself more,

From the moment I realize, it is her that I adore.

The past made it easier for me those days,

But she made it better in different kinds of ways.

I swore to the heavens above,

That I will be the person deserving of her love.

Scarred from the resentful truth of history,

Wounded by what I used to call love and felicity.

I hope she knows my eagerness to be free,

To not live in what will cease us hastily.

I long for her pure and strong-willed heart,

She gave me the entirety, and never just a part.

I threw away my torment for there is no room,

A flower is not to be wilted, but to bloom.

My dearest and bravest love, can she bear?

The life I live is comfortable but unfair.

My heart is so full of you that it began to shine,

You occupy the gaps in it, is it still mine?

My discomfort is your satisfaction,

Your fondness is my humiliation.

This life I keep is what you find beautiful,

Your love is undoubtedly immovable.

[ashmartinez]

Daydream

People become crazy and self-destructive—through excessive thinking, they lose touch with reality. We should be the masters of our own faiths and the captains of our own souls. We often daydream about a life that we want to have and forget about the life that we should have. But we don’t have to lose ourselves because of endlessly daydreaming about a situation that we won’t have. The mind does not calm itself, for it is our duty to control over our own bodies. People are too detached from themselves because they are too envious of other peoples’ lives and then start overthinking about theirs. They start imagining scenarios of themselves being in the same situation and zone out—not realizing that it ruins them mentally. It later becomes an unhealthy coping mechanism until it becomes a chore. Envy will never do good to you; it is one of the self-destructive behaviors that I know. Daydreaming to run away from the cruel world is fine, but escaping the bitter reality isn’t. For maladaptive behavior will occur unto you. You would begin sinking yourself in this adventure of dreams hoping that it could fulfill all your wishes. But it doesn’t. You let being self-destructive take over you than being self-aware. You let down yourself every time you reach sobriety and realize that none of what you have thought is real. It ruins you and then you try to think harder until it consumes you.

As aforementioned, “we should be the captains of our souls.”  We shouldn’t let insanity take over us. We should take over it. The only living thing that we have is ourselves, we should not be abusive, nor we should take advantage of its functions. We are capable of stopping the madness that we have in us, we just don’t want to take away the pleasures of having an alternate reality—because it favors us, even if it is not real.

[ashmartinez]

The Debt That All Men Paid

We owe so much from the deaths;

Of the people who fought for our voices.

If it weren't for their bravery,

Then we wouldn't have any choices. Silencing the people does not mean peace,

For it is hindering them from living freely.

Peace for the oppressors mean division,

But division does not grant us unity.

The independence that we benefit from;

Will soon be taken away by the greedy.

Freedom is no longer a privilege,

But a luxury.

[ashmartinez]

"Maladaptive" (Martinez, A. 2021)

[ashmartinez]

My first set of artworks between 2015-2017.

At first, you really must suck.

[ashmartinez]

Angel, I knew you were special from the moment I saw you.

We met in school.

We were both sitting on the benches while we watch our classmates take the practical test. I had you at, "is your heart okay?". We shared a conversation about cardiac ailments and how it affects us when doing rigorous activities which made our teacher exempt us from certain tasks. Then we talked about a lot of things that we like and dislike in common, it's surreal. I never thought you'd make friends with a person like me. I'm just plain horrible.

As we got back to class, I got surprised when you moved your armchair beside mine. You took your bag and placed it beside mine also. I know it's finally happening that we're ought to befriend each other—that's what really happened. And I'm happy that it happened. We often talk, like, a lot. We never had a vacant day of not speaking to each other, we never fought, nor be a b*tch to each other. Our newly-built foundation has been one of my will to live and I strive to become a good friend to you.

We had been on different situations: guilt, hatred, embarrassment, melancholia, and, well, mostly euphoria. I actually introduced you to the things that I usually do in the big city, you taught me things that could be useful when living in a rural suburban community. Literally everything. I learned a lot from you and you discovered a lot from me. I already know for sure that you're that non-toxic friend when you found out I cheated on my ex-boyfriend and then never spoke to me for a month to let me realize what I did and reflect on it. You gave me these motherly talks every time you know I'm about to f*ck up. Your presence throughout my wins and losses had gave me hope. You are indeed a great woman and I appreciate all of the care that I received from you.

Unfortunately, this summer has been tough for us. You took your sh*t and noticed my wrongs. This has been one of the bad phases of myself. I couldn't control whatever you think was wrong and I kept blaming other people for my misfortunes: "it's their conflict, not mine. I may hurt them, but it's not my problem." You finally chose yourself instead of me because for a long time, I'm that toxic friend. You told me that I have to work on myself too because it will benefit me, that it was no one's fault and then, you bid farewell. Well, you brought good to me and that's just enough to keep me alive. But you know, when you're the only good thing in my life, I might as well not depend on it. Because I'll just come around running after you and abandon you when every thing is already convenient for me. Us parting ways felt like I caught a grenade. It has taken a toll on me. Yet you will always be that person that I want to be with, you've stood by me even at my lowest. But I feel so ashamed of what I've become. My destructive behavior caused you to lift my excess baggage. I always feared being "toxic", "emotionally abusive", "egotistical", and "narcissistic". Unfortunately, as time goes, I did not realize that you became a victim of my bad traits that I don't even see in myself. I was unaware because I was placed on a pedestal.

How selfish of me to just think about how others see me.

How narcissistic of me to be be self-destructive and blame others for my misfortune.

How abusive of me to lure you into my own madness and push you to fix it for me.

How awful of me to treat you that way. My apologies. See me never, see you at the back of mind.

[ashmartinez]

Another hindsight. I f*cked up again.

As a Britney Spears song would say, "Oops!...I Did It Again", why can't I stop f*cking up every single romantic relationship that I build with someone? I usually think about how I f*ck up big time—I don't even have to say it. I have a bad history of events and a few ex-lovers were resentful towards me. What the hell is wrong with me? I'm the worst. Ever!

I went home on a Tuesday afternoon, feeling sore and tired because I did something. A something with a someone. Ya tú sabes. I rested for a while, and then I f*cking forgot that I was supposed to call my special someone that day. How the hell would I forget that? Well, I have sinned. I received a couple of texts from him saying, "where are you", "I hope you're busy and not wasting any time", "can we talk", and "call me". I felt so bad for him that he has to deal with me, not being able to respond because of my mischief. I unplugged my phone and contacted him through video chat. He picked up in no time and he greeted me with, "why Ashley? Where were you?". I swallowed my guilt and just told him the truth, "I went to see my ex today." He looked unfazed but he asked me more questions.

"What's the deal between you two?" He asked sternly.

"There's actually none. We just tried to reconcile and sort things out when we didn't have the opportunity to do so." I knew I was just making an alibi, but I'll probably tell the truth afterwards.

"Reconcile? I thought you said you both don't want to talk about it anymore? I thought we already talked about this ex of yours that you f*cking cheated on? Aren't you ashamed of yourself, Ashley?"

Oops. Hot seat.

Well, I already told him the truth. I said I kind of went overboard with the guy and that it was just a one-time thing. And then, he got teary-eyed. I also told him that I now fear bearing a child.

"You won't get into this pregnancy fiasco if you refused to meet him!" He said.

"I made a mistake, I know. That was one mistake. And I would never do it again."

"You've always been like this. It makes me doubt you. I'm protecting myself even more because of your shenanigans."

Then we paused for a while. He continued doing his thing about research and I was sitting there with regret, guilt, and shame. I usually think about how I f*ck things up big time—mostly in relationships. I don't even have to say it. I have a bad history of events and the people from those occurrences had become resentful towards me. I suck. I f*cking suck at being a good partner, I even realized that I only give flowery words in order to pass through an argument. Anyway, he told me he had forgiven me. I felt guilty after the reconciliation, I was not even relieved that he forgives me. I keep doing this sh*t to a few and don't realize that I'm one helluva dipsh*t until they get hurt because of my decisions.

"We get the [pregnancy] test and then you'll be fine, okay?" He said. He's such a nice guy and it's clear that I don't even deserve him. I mean, I f*cking cheated. Again. How is that forgivable? Then afterwards, we stopped discussing about the incident. I guess he just endured it. I know for sure he resents me now and will doubt me even more in the future. Few days later, we talked like nothing ever happened. He was still the same. He never treated me differently after what I've done. I don't know why he chose to stay despite my endless parade of bullsh*t. I guess he's just another person blinded by the little love that I give, little care, and little respect. What's funny about this is, I crave for something real and whole. But when I already got what I want, I feel like disposing it immediately. Because I feel like I cannot exert the same energy. It feels like I'm just leeching attention off of people that I don't deserve, people that should've been with somebody else, people who even shouldn't have met me. This phase of myself isn't even close to "better" yet. I fear being toxic and abusive. I don't want to use people. But I feel like that's what they see in me—user, cheater, abusive. I walk around the streets of the cities that I've been to and that's what they think of me now (the reason: https://ashmartinez.tumblr.com/post/641176881733959680/a-hindsight-seems-like-i-fcked-up-again). But still, as I type these words, we talk like nothing ever happened. Like I never did him wrong. Every night, we call each other through video chat, talk, flirt, and be wholesome and f*cking sweet as f*ck. I'm a coward because I couldn't tell him that I want to stray myself away from the good ones because I don't really want to be the reason why they won't believe in love anymore. That they would be afraid to commit into a relationship again once I break my promises. But you know, it's catastrophic. I bring my empty soul, they bring good to it, then I just take it for granted. I need a really, really crisp slap across the face, I really deserve it. I don't deserve him. I think I don't deserve anything good in this phase of myself. I'm destructive.

[ashmartinez]

The ocean had an affair with the ship.

The male sex organ is indeed a powerful tool to create life. With its essence chasing an important cell, you can create another living thing. It's one hell of a magic compass beneath those garments.

Even though I had few ships that sailed in the ocean before, this compass had me facing all directions. I cling onto the fact that this one held my dark soul and left my mind thinking about "it" every f*cking time. The first day of the adventure I had with this compass was ecstatic; it left me erratic and addicted. Its owner really took his time on creating such heavenly movements in order to disturb the calm ocean. The serene waters created the most pleasant sounds of bliss, and it reacted beautifully. I think it may look like some wild waves crashing, but it's definitely a work of art—a hot mess. The pain that I got from having the compass lead me to a shipwreck is pleasurable. Why is there pain in pleasure? Because there is. But I’m no masochist.

Thrusting with increased speed, it got me all retarded. As it went back and forth, the science of love, lust, and attraction had collided: oxytocin. I think I could even see my own reflection when I gave it a generous amount of my saliva. I was in awe when I felt that it broke a barrier; tore down a wall inside of me and got me shivering. I locked its owner's body using my sore legs to keep it coming aggressively, and you know, the idea of bursting its juice inside of me is crazy. But it was pulled out; thick, hot liquid shot straight to my face without even aiming. Damn.

I had a taste of the milk, it has a peculiar taste. I can never forget how sweet it tasted even though it has a bitter aftertaste. I have been folded down the floor, my knees were sore; all I thought about was the pleasure that I'm getting from the skin pistol—veiny, thick, as it is. My roaring cries of satisfaction had filled the room, the continuous sounds of the thrusts that he makes, I can never cease to think of. After the episodes that I had with that pistol, the ocean sure has been disturbed. But deep down, it hides such violent creatures. As for me, I secrete wild emotions. Every now and then, I think about that ride of my life and become moist, just by thinking about it in a short while. I can still picture what it looked like when I first held it, what it felt like when it slithered into my lips, and let it invade my territory. It gets me insane when I'm aroused, because that was the only compass that led me to an amazing ride. I thirst for it every f*cking time I thought about having intimate human interaction, it's a record to beat. Because I cannot fantasize about other adventures other than that. It had wrecked me internally, in a passionate but violent way, and had mind-f*cked me—it was so unforgettable. The ocean waves crashed here and there, the ship has sailed through it without any struggle. It rained trouble and rapture, all at the same time.

The compass behind these texts exist. And no, you cannot have a taste of what I had. But can you believe one skin pistol could make a woman deranged, and addicted like it's some kind of illicit pharmaceutical? Because I am that woman. I am fond of that ride.

[Song: "I Come In Peace" by Soko]

[ashmartinez]

My thoughts about that one scene from BoJack Horseman: "Escape From L.A.", season two.

F*ck.

I've been on such heaviness and emptiness these couple of months—probably a year. I keep on questioning myself, why do every person I touch, breaks? I hate hurting people but I mess things up. I'm always perplexed, and under the influence of ethanol, I send the most regrettable texts. Just like what I did last night. Jesus. It's like I'm meant to just, be that "mistake" in their lives that they hate talking about. Who would even be so happy talking about how much of a dipsh*t I am to them?

Anyway, this scene had me. This is exactly my thought. I fear hurting people as much as I fear being toxic, but all just ends catastrophic. BoJack is troubled, I think he doesn't even see himself as a grown man (whilst being in his fifties), gets himself involved in the dumbest situations, and whatsoever. Just like what I do, I come around in one's life like I'm some good girl that you could take home to your mom but in reality, I'm a total pain in the as* who doesn't even know what she wants. Whenever I'm f*cked up, I start being too needy for affection and attention that I end up dialing or texting some people that I had history with. And then the next day, I regret it. My poor self just earned the title, "the biggest loser". Whilst in this scenario, BoJack and Charlotte kisses then, regrets it. He must've been thinking Charlotte feels the same but what the hell, the deer is f*cking married! Charlotte sure does sees BoJack's self-destructive tendencies. And why the f*ck does BoJack Horseman wants the deer to run off with him?

And I guess that's just like me getting myself in the hot seat when I texted my ex something like, "sometimes I wonder why did I even cheat on you" last night. And then to add a little eagerness, I added it with "can we give it another shot" which made me look like I'm still into him. But I'm just here for the good time. And I just want to feel a lot less empty while I'm figuring out who I really am and what even is my purpose of living. I make bad decisions all the f*cking time and it brings me bad days after. Just by thinking about how horrible I've been in the past, makes me want to erase myself from the world.

I cried later that night, checked the world clock, then sent a DM to an ex-flame, who is currently based in America. I told him that I couldn't take it anymore because, I was losing it. My head was heavy from all the sick thoughts and crying spells occurred. I was weeping hard as nuts. The next day, I apologized for putting that sh*t up. It was embarrassing to look at after I had one rough evening. I'm glad that he was cool with it but it was too early in the morning in his country for my depressive episode. But we're great friends. He knows my boy dramas.

But in BoJack and Charlotte's case, it wasn't. Charlotte tells BoJack to not try to come back nor contact her and the rest of her family. It got a lot worse when Charlotte caught BoJack and Penny (Kyle and Charlotte's daughter) in the same bed. Kid was seventeen.

Oh, dear.

Oh, deer.

[ashmartinez]

Love is like selling your soul to the devil.

First and foremost, I would like to tell my own experience with this matter—it was one hell of an emotional ride. Every day feels like I have this "task" to reassure him over and over. He actually believes that I'm still messing around, running off with different bodies, and whatever's on his mind. I get that my partner needs reassurance and understanding but when it's too much, it leaves my heart emotionless. I fell out of love because of that. I felt really empty that I no longer feel things for him. Because all I did was to convince him that I'm not playing with his feelings. It left me with nothing else to give. Hence the title, it really is though.

You introduce yourself to some hot chick, not knowing if she'll going to give you a hard time or a hard time or maybe both. She'll be an emotional wreck in a few weeks of telling her "I love you" every single day and night, and then blame you for things that you don't even do. It's kind of draining when she even points out your past mistakes and then brings it up on the table even if you're not going to do those to her. Because, you're a changed man and she couldn't see that. A changed man doesn't need to say that he's changed, his actions does it for him.

Then after some time off, you realize that you can actually breathe without her presence and gave you solace which is nice. Unfortunately, your love for her still ignites but you can't stand being in a toxic relationship with a woman that does not even care about what you feel and uses the "I'm a girl" card to get away with everything. Her, treating you like sh*t, is a red flag but since love made you colorblind, it looks green. How about that?

There's actually a couple reasons why you couldn't just leave her sooner.

One, for the hard time. Feeding your lust.

Two, you couldn't find someone "non-toxic" that could put you back into place again.

Three, you actually enjoy her company because you still love her. But can't take it anymore. Goddamnit.

It's like you're f*cking up your system even without the influence of drugs and ethanol. It's like you're offering your soul to the devil, drains the hell out of it, and you turn completely empty and perplexed. The devil wins and you have lost your soul. Now you feel numb and there's no turning back. The love still ignites while she's having a swell time being emotionally (or physically) abusive.

You get the sex, but are you even happy after? It's a yes for your pair of nuts. And a no for your emotional and mental state. She drives you mad, drives you crazy, given you the hand, you still try to forgive and understand. Yet if you're the one to talk about your feelings, she'll automatically take it as an attack and then turns it into an argument, and then tells you that you blame her for your rough time. Isn't that beautiful?

Also, she questions your loyalty: every f*cking time. Why even love when you can't even have trust on your lover? Because if you do love someone, you accept what they used to be, and then trust them. Give them a chance on you so that they can clear up their minds and be the change that they wanted to see in them. For you.

Now, get out of that abusive situation. You don't even need a gun, nor a pill. If you ever want to die, fall in love and you get killed.

[ashmartinez]

In order to fill the void, you must need a room, a couple stacks, an empty soul, and a few bodies.

Explicit content in a shuffled order. Kinda raw, kinda unfiltered. Based on tragic events, dumb choices.

These days, I try exclude myself from extreme sadness; but I couldn’t. The pandemic f*cked up every trip that I planned and, well, new people to share the sadness with. Let me tell y’all the coping mechanisms that I had—pre-pandemic. It’s simple. I get in touch with an ex-flame, and I'm hella confident about him agreeing to participate in a "mutual decision". It works every time for me, what about you?

I had it with a guy which happens to be a past long-term lover, we went to the same school, he was nice but I'm too out of his league. We had very different lives, too different that he would always ask me for some moolah. I've always given him some, because he did me so right most of the time. He even introduced me to a certain type of plant (ya tú sabes). While we were together, we actually had the guts to do it in the most open spaces but unfortunately, I realized that we weren't really compatible, no matter how freaky we got, it didn't last for long. And I got really fed up with him milking me, even his own mother tried to. Damn.

Next milkman is, a guy in my city. We were the same age but in a very different situation too. We dated for a month, had been in cute little dates almost every day after school, gone freaky in public spaces too, and eyeballed at each other dozens of times because we actually live in the same street. We ended terms and became friends soon after, but with benefits. I gifted him many things before I cut him off few weeks ago. Yes, I always give gifts as sign of appreciation.

Nothing much has occurred with this next lucky fella. It was a one-time thing and it happened in an unfortunate place. It occurred in his friend's room, whilst his friends were just casually watching the television while we're out there doing "business". Baby steps, but I received one helluva load. Poor guy, he was neglected by one of his friends after. LMAO.

Such good times with the wrong people. But this next person? I don't know. I was so addicted to the few scenes I shared with him, it was unhealthy. We also went to the same school for a short period of time, because I don't even belong in that place. I can't cope with such a dull environment. We're friends but, not for long. Things happen and sh*t's been one helluva ride. I admit, he was too much to handle; much emotional baggage, his self-loathing is kind of a lot, and weird. He wasn't a creep, but he's making me want to bury myself alive sometimes. Then, I was addicted. It wasn't ethanol, nor drugs. He was an ex, I was a loser. I f*cked up big time, that's why. We had cute little moments before, but I do not recall that anymore. He wasn't the first one, but exceptionally the good one. It was huge, it was something, I'm so blown away. When my memory plays the highlights of that one scene, damn. It was more than pleasure, and it makes me euphoric forever.

Horny as* motherf*ckers try to win but then I lose myself in the end.

[ashmartinez]

A night of watching BoJack f*cking Horseman in its first season. And tiny dialogues that I relate to.

I’m weirded out by this show so, so much but apparently, my ex-boyfriend had invited me to a BoJack Horseman watch party. I hate to say this but I proceeded.

At first I thought this was such a stupid show (and idea). Clearly because of the animal and human breeding. But it's fictional so, understandable. The first few episodes were, BoJack's torment; impulsiveness, somewhat neediness and many other shenanigans. The thing here is, is it really weird because of the ophidiophilia (or bestiality), or is it because it portrays melancholia in sarcasm, hyperbole; overall comedy? Personally, I still find it weird as f*ck and I don't know why. But I can't resist watching more of it. Sh*t is real. BoJack is a self-loathing and depressed mammal.

Here are a few lines that will always ring my bells:

"I'm responsible for my own happiness? I can't even be responsible for my own breakfast!"

There you have it—a sentiment. Knowing that you aren't even capable to be useful enough in such basic tasks, would you still have the ability to care for yourself? Of course not. You're a dysfunctional as*hole.

"You need to choose the life you want."

Yes. If you're complaining about how your life sucks, it's because you aren't letting yourself choose. It's either you fear failure and hitting rock bottom when all else fails, or your mom doesn't approve of it. LMAO.

"I spend a lot of time with the real me and believe me, nobody's gonna love that guy."

Have you been masking all along and everybody likes the mask? Have you been layering yourself with different ideas of how yourself should be and everybody likes that one layer? Well f*ck, think about it. If you think your weird as* kinks wouldn't get you a hot shorty, you wouldn't use that layer, right? If you think the "ordinary" you won't get you the clout, you would mask yourself and pretend that you aren't a wimp. And "nobody's gonna love that"? Nobody's gonna love you or simply get used to you if they haven't seen you down, infuriated, and genuinely happy because of a thing that they wouldn't understand.

"You know what the problem is with everybody? They all just want to hear what they already believe."

Exactly. No one would ever believe you if you've ran your mouth in an untimely situation. They'll eventually think that you're just bluffing. What they care about is what they've heard first and nothing more. Because sometimes, staying silent is a "yes". A "yes" to whatsoever is destructive or creative. But more often, the bad one.

"Well, that's the problem with life, right? Either you know what you want, and then you don't know what you want."

There are so many directions to what you aim to obtain but along the way, along the very questionable and bizarre paths that you would take, you'll slowly lose interest because of whatsoever is holding you back from the game that you're into and then you'll not know what you want anymore.

And many more. It's getting too real and sorrowful.

I felt downcast each and every episode that I've viewed. BoJack becomes brashly self-confident all throughout. But what's next?

To be continued.

[ashmartinez]

Down at dawn

As I ate supper alone, I felt like I had just woken up from a weird as* dream. It felt like I was just about to get into my senses and some sort of sh*t; I felt really empty, as usual.

I stared upon the skies—the pink and purple skies; reflected on it, self-paced. The beauty of the sunset had helped me into my deep-thinking. But thinking too much could stray me away from reality. And that's what happened. I started to overthink over the littlest things, making myself suffer again by using my mind. I finished my plate, but the chaos inside of my head isn't. The voices in my head started echoing, flashbacks of misfortune and misconduct had roamed around, and I fought back my tears. This awakened my soul so much that I just headed to my room and tried not to consider ceasing my precious life. I can't even do a single page of my module because I'm dysfunctional—mentally and physically. If the pandemic hasn't occurred, I might just bring myself to a new city and accept whatever happiness it might bring. But I think that's just for the mean time.

[ashmartinez]

Just like a snake's venom

I feel toxic. I'm no cherry-flavoured person, nor a good one. I suddenly felt like I'm an unreliable friend; too pushing yet too distant, selfless yet careless at the same f*cking time. Sometimes, I just tell myself that there's nothing wrong with my attitude. When in reality, I guess there is. Because if I was all good, people wouldn't just label me as "arrogant" and "rude". I constantly hurt myself and then blame others for it, when it is I who keeps on digging my own grave. I'm actually nice, but it gets really toxic in some occasions. I regret the mean things I say when I let my mouth run uncontrollably. And by “too pushing”, I feel like everything should go my way, everything should be about me, every attention must only be centered to me. And when it gets catastrophic, I just tend to hurt somebody’s feelings. Just like a snake’s venom, it stings. I make people feel like sh*t, and die a little inside. I’m such an emotional wreck. I think I’m no good for everybody.

[ashmartinez]

In a toxic state

No one did me wrong actually. It’s just that, I feel hella lost and exhausted. I’m incapable of doing what I gotta do today because I’ve lost all hope. My heart breaks relentlessly, my eyes never stopped raining. And then after that episode, I realized that it is I who is the cause of everything falling apart. I hurt myself so much that I start to blame anyone for its damage. I’m at my toxic state right now and I hate it. This makes me question everything.

[ashmartinez]

A privileged life

This hurts..a lot. Why do I even feel like sh*t? Why am I even in this awful place again? I thought that I was doing better, but I was just used to it. I couldn't even cry in the first place. I couldn't even let these emotions out. I can't believe I'm accustomed to the fact that I eat alone during breakfast, lunch and dinner, I sleep alone in these cold sheets; it's all me, all along. I'm surrounded by a lot of people, but I just feel so alone. I don't even know why I feel like this, it's bugging me. I don't even have any problems with my friends or my significant other. This is driving me insane tonight. I hope I don't end up with an unfortunate fate. There's so much pain.

I'm trying to find out what's wrong by recalling some of the activities or conversations that I had all day. There wasn't any problem at all. But there is one problem, I think. And that's just me. I wish I was happier. Another year to go through, same wish. I wish I was happier. I can't stand this privileged situation but feeling so blue and incomplete. Money cannot mend my aching heart.