ashton-ryder

[ashton-ryder]

Even if it was Sada's fault, death simply felt like a get out of jail card for her to avoid the consequences of her actions. Death did not feel enough of the justice that needed to be served of the destruction she caused. But he almost winced at the heartbreaking tone of his mother's voice, desperately regretting and wanting to claw back his words, pretend it was a joke, or that he didn't mean it that way. Anything to stop seeing the heartbreak in her eyes and in her words. "I-.." he croaked and choked on any other words trying to answer her question and make it better. Nothing could make this better. He shrunk further into himself, his mother was smarter than she gave herself credit for, where else did he get his own intelligence from? She so easily put the pieces together and he had nothing to say but silence to every question she had.

"..I'm sorry.."

I'm sorry for letting that happen to me, I'm sorry that you fought all this way only to find this disappointment of a son being all that's left, I'm sorry it happened in such a useless, cowardly way, I'm sorry for letting you down.

Ashton took in a long shaky breath as oxygen burned his lungs before he found some semblance of courage to recount it all. "She- she put me in chains, I didn't eat, for.. days? A week?" It was honestly all a blur at this point, he tried to focus his attention as fingers traced over the scars and pull away to dissociate from hearing himself speak of a time he's been suppressing to forget, "and when I finally got food I-" it felt humiliating to say it out loud, to have been manipulated that way using the guise of his best friend and drugged, lost all control of himself to her bidding. "I couldn't fight back after that," his voice cracked pushing that out, "that's how she forced it on me." He avoided talking about everything else in between, the broken ankle, the torture and abuse, the psychological warfare.

The hot tears hadn't stopped since he started speaking, "I've been taking the vaccine, for years, ever since, but who knows when it'll stop working and we might all just.. die. Just-- such a fucking waste of resources, for the dumbest fucking reason of getting infected I- I--" he couldn't meet her gaze as he continued, knowing she'll know immediately once he continued, that they were back in that hole he once was years ago, in the hospital room where he hoarded as many pills as he could, to right the wrong of being alive, "..I thought about it, a lot, to just save everyone the trouble, stop wasting these things on me." The look of a broken man that had been masked over with shouldered responsibilities and the hairline cracks grew, but a tearful smile had flashed as he plucked up the courage to look up to his mother again, laughter bubbling through, reminding himself flesh and bone, she was here, "I'm glad I didn't."

"That's not your fault. It's hers." He couldn't shoulder all this responsibility onto himself. Couldn't take on all the blame that wasn't his, but she truly didn't know how to help him. She hadn't been here, she didn't know the intricacies. Even if she did, if she had been there, did she really have a frame work of experience to draw from to handle this? For the first time in far longer than she could remember, Amelia was transported back to the first few months after they'd brought Ashton home from the hospital. It was the most lost she'd ever felt, how delicate he'd been, how little she'd known what she was doing.

And then it came. Heavy, like an anvil from a great height. The other shoe.

"What do you mean? 'No, we don't?" Even Amelia could hear the strain in her voice, could feel how pale she must be with how all the blood had drained from her face. The way he had to steel himself, the way he had to take deep breaths, all had her head swimming, hands holding fast to him just as he held onto her. She could hear it already, knew already what was on the horizon. The context clues were there, too strong, too undeniable, but so badly did she want to deny them.

"I want you to tell me whatever you need to tell me." And nothing more, but that part remained unspoken. "But what I need to know, Ashton..." It felt like her heart was choking her, attempting to thunder it's way out her throat. "What do you mean by 'We don't have time'?" The world was swimming? Oh yeah, she had to remember to breathe. That held fast grip she had on him was white-knuckled now, desperate to know if her worst fears were about to be confirmed. What did it have to do with Sada locking him-

"...She infected you?!"

[ashton-ryder]

“The fellowship of true friends who can hear you out, share your joys, help carry your burdens, and correctly counsel you is priceless.”

— Ezra Taft Benson

[ashton-ryder]

Khaled Hosseini, The Kite Runner/Jaun beaur

Almost, Almost, almo...

[ashton-ryder]

“Hmm, touché,” case in point that Ashton hadn’t met Hannah before all this either, or even all the residents in the building for all the years he lived there. Neither was he like one to seek out meeting new people, Ash had been more than comfortable with the circles he had in his life, small but full enough in his heart. “If I had to meet you as a therapist back then, I bet I’d be a terrible patient,” he scoffed, thinking back of his fill of quote unquote therapists he had been made to go to from the marines. It felt less about him than them trying to cover their asses.

He lead them along near the riverbank before they hit the Hudson, with nature now undisturbed, the city had never looked more vibrant with greenery. Taking a second to at least appreciate that poignant beauty surrounding them in a peace they’ve worked hard to clear out and hold strong. Still he laughed at the new piece of news he hadn’t known about Hannah being revealed today, “really?” Eyes widen with amusement as he silent shook his head for Hannah to continue. “A small gambling lost to pay for striking gold later with June,” he chuckled, he wasn’t much of a gambler himself, too much of a worrier to ever play big, but he guessed most couples married in Vegas would try their new found matrimonial luck from love.

Ash bent down to the flower patches carefully placing the basket on the ground as well for Hannah to populate it further with carefully plucked stems. Outside of the seemingly painful ending in that mentioned marriage though it at least seemed to quell into something respectful between the two, it was an innocent lighthearted conversation had him softly smiling in an absentminded thought out loud, “always wondered what’s it like to get married, and be married.” A fanciful daydream that Ash had never put in the forefront of his priorities in life before.

There had been many months spent wondering on different scenarios. The million little choices that could have resulted in Hannah being somewhere entirely different than trapped inside of the Wexley at the end of the world. In the end Hannah had come to peace that this was where she had been meant to be; that despite the horror & tragedy that had wracked the world, her family had endured as well as it could have. She had June and June had the world ( or what amounted to it, thanks to the found family she'd fallen into ). Hannah could ask for nothing more.

"There were lots of dancers trying to make it." And Aggie had been just coming into her own, still so young, so full of potential. Hannah had always joked that she would've been wonderful in a live action Barbie & The Nutcracker. "Just like there were lots of professors or therapists." Hannah teased. The fact that any of them had met before the infection was slim and yet the Wexley was full of those little connections. Aggie & Roman being the most notable for Hannah herself.

She heads in the direction Ash has indicated happy to see the petals matching the vision Hannah had had in her mind. There's a slight purple hue to the color but it's soft and Hannah can make it work. "Did you know I got married in Vegas?" Hannah is not the kind of person someone would picture eloping but considering the mentioned marriage was to Roman, maybe it made sense. "We went gambling right after. Lost eight hundred dollars." The money had felt so unimportant to them. They were young and in love and had a long future ahead of them. "We had a real wedding a few months after." Only one divorce though.

[ashton-ryder]

He hesitantly nodded to Roman’s clarification, mind as if running back on memories of the past few months since they’ve gotten together, wondering if he missed any of the signs that he shouldn’t have missed. He would’ve felt like a terrible friend if he did. But in the answer in between the lines, Roman was right. They can be worried for her but they can’t butt into her life if it’s what she wants. “As long as it’s where she wants to be.” They could only support her from the sidelines and do what they can.

Ashton doesn’t admit it but the soreness of feeling like he was losing a part of his best friend was there, they hung out lesser now, outside of the council work they had to do and shared lunches at the hospital. Obviously this wasn’t a sole reason for it, there was so much work to do, there was the hospital, there was the scouts, there was Maisie, but it definitely contributed to it as well. ..such is life.

“When? Not if?” Ash raised an eyebrow to Roman, picking up on that semantic that he seemed so confident about, Ashton didn’t think too much into it for now, knowing any worrying won’t do anyone any good whatsoever. “But yeah, we’ll be right here for her, anytime.” In a different timeline before the world came crashing down, perhaps they could’ve been closer friends back then, rather than just by proxy of Ruth. Though it doesn’t change the fact that they definitely are much closer now with everything else that has happened.

They peacefully watched the girls tire themselves out from the frisbee as the daylight was running out, not willing to end the play time yet until they absolutely have to. Ash broke the silence for one more question, “you’ll tell me, right? If you ever notice it change?”

there had been nothing safe about ashton's feeling for jeremiah. roman didn't begin to understand the relationship between the two men, but he assumed it was complicated and painful. just look at the aftermath of it.

maybe after that experience ashton had decided he didn't have it in him to try again. to put that kind of vulnerability into the world and have it spat back into your face. maybe safe was all that was left. he nodded grimly to the suggestion, something disappointing in the reality that life could & did kick your ass to rock-bottom and watch you cling to the first bit of light that shone in the darkness. to cling to something good in fear of never finding something great ( a very simple and very painful metaphor hannah had used when describing their relationship ).

it feels stupid to have brought all of this up. there is no point to this topic switch, no solution to the problem he has presented ashton with about his best friend's happiness ( or lack thereof ). "i think she's where she wants to be for now."

"when that changes... we're right here." roman wasn't entirely sure what would be the tipping point but he believed sooner or later there would be one. either oscar would step out of line or ruth would simply realize she didn't want to keep pretending she was happy. whatever the case roman and ashton would be around.

[ashton-ryder]

He knew that she was right, isolated in their apartments in a building, he was far from the only lonely person, yet it didn't change the feeling they all felt. It felt like everyone else seem to have found their person in the end at least. A nice poignant feeling to that realization, even if he wasn't a part of that. At least right here, right now, loneliness wasn't something he could recognize with the comfort of family. He leaned into the touch, as if still trying to convince himself this was real.

There was still a softness in his gaze and smile despite the sadness at the mentioned of Jer, but they were quick to fade once Sada came into the picture again. He could tell it was hurting her having to listen to it all, but it felt like she needed to know, or at least he needed to tell her. He lightly shook his head at first with a rebuttal, "I could have stopped it, it might’ve killed me but I could have." Jeremiah Rose all of people might've killed him. He wanted to believe that he wouldn't ever, but.. the thoughts were interrupted being pulled into a warmth familiar embrace, making him feel like a kid again. Once upon a time, he cried in her arms just like this asking her why dad hasn't come home yet whenever a deployment takes longer than it should. That rush of nostalgia had his blues deepening and vision blurry with tears, silently rolling down his cheeks and dripping onto fabrics below, hers or his. His hands subconsciously found purchase in holding onto her, wanting to hide his face in shame though she held strong in keeping his head held high. "But so many others aren't either."

It was tempting to take the offer, to just stop and try and find the courage to pick it back up again another day. But the scab was picked, and wound was opened, the bleeding couldn't stop, the words that convinced him to keep going - we have all the time in the world now. His own eyes met hers before a broken smile pushed through the hard words, "..no we don't."

The dread insinuation was there, enough for the worse case assumptions to be made. "There's.. I still have to tell you something," he closed his eyes shut once more, leaning into the embrace to find something steady for a few moments, "I just need.. a second." He took an extremely long time, taking labored long breaths before the hyperventilation could take over. After what felt like forever, words softly escaped his lips, "..she locked me up, no one stopped her, no one could." He remembered his outburst, like a traumatized dog fighting back because it didn't want to go back into a cage. Jer trying to buy him time. Everyone else looked away, all whisked away, for plausible deniability of Ashton just disappearing instead of visibly locked up.

He freed his hands to lay them on his lap for them both to see, pulling back his sleeves to cuff scars around his wrists alongside many more still hidden that never healed properly. "Do you- want to hear everything? You don't have to if you don't want to." He never even told her the full extent of what happened to him in that last marines mission. She had no need to put herself through the pain he felt, back then or now. Even if he was finally ready to tell someone, that didn't mean she didn't have a choice, his still wet blues darted up from his wrists to her gaze, silently telling her, it's okay either way.

"Yes well, being alone and being lonely are two entirely different things." A fact she very well understood. "And I bet you that some of them did, even if you couldn't feel it." Thumb brushing across his knuckle, she lifted a hand to brush away an non-existent stray curl off his temple, an act she'd done a million and one times but that felt so much more poignant now.

Any mention of Sada twisted up her insides into knots, a hard swallow forcing the ball of anxiety out of her chest and into her stomach as she forced herself to listen. It's true that sometimes it was better to have loved and lost, like with herself and his father, soulmates through and through and even if she'd have to do it all again knowing how it'd end, she would, without hesitation... but the amount of pain that rippled across his features made her wonder just what price he'd paid for that love.

Ignoring the ache in her hand from his grip and giving a little gasp as the list of deaths and bites got longer and longer, Amelia couldn't help letting out the softest 'fuck.'

As diabolical as that woman was she shouldn't have been surprised, but for one person to cause such massive damage themselves was shocking. All for a bid for power?

"If she managed to harm so many people... Baby, you couldn't have been expected to stop it all yourself." Gathering him up into her arms and hugging him to her chest very much as she had when he was small, gentle fingers brushed over the back of his head as she spoke softly, forehead to his temple. "You're here... and she's not. That's all that matters. We don't have to go on if it's too hard. We can take a break and come back to it later, it's alright. We have all the time in the world now."

Lips pressing gently just above one of his eye brows, she let her hands slide down to cup his chin, bringing his eyes up to meet hers. "We'll get through this. It doesn't have to be all at once."

[ashton-ryder]

Omg you could still end up a Rose after all!

Jashton? Ashton-Paul?

Whatever, I ship it!

"-..stop, no that's just weird now, he's my chosen brother, and having had.. whatever relationship I had with Jer. Weirder than JP dating one of my former students, that seems like the better, healthier option. Like aren't they already having a date or something? Let them be." @survivalxofxthexfittest

[ashton-ryder]

Do you think Roman is attractive?

"..no? This sounds like a trick question, Charlie is that you and if so what did you want me to say." @romanxdrake @pxtitxrosx

[ashton-ryder]

How do you feel knowing that Roman and Ruth miss their connection, too?

"Hm.. I didn't know that. I mean I knew they were close, I live across a hallway from Ruth, it's hard not to notice Roman's visits. But I mean, he's with Charlie now, right? And she's with Oscar. Guess everything happens.. or doesn't happen for a reason." @romanxdrake @ruthellry

[ashton-ryder]

If Sada had a child or sister who came to town… would you trust them? Could you trust them?

"Sada still has kin? Hard to believe they didn't all cannibalized each other for power. ..Whatever it is, everyone's their own person. I wouldn't judge someone by their family. But anyone that comes here needs to earn our trust. And if they particularly had any strong opinions on her demise or agreement on her methods or starts stirring shit up in her stead, we can't take that chance, not again."

[ashton-ryder]

What would you have done if JP had admitted his crush all those years ago?

"What? ..I didn't know that. I mean, it's flattering I guess, and.. probably say sorry I never knew. I don't know how it'd shake out between us two, to be honest. We both had a lot of baggage, and I don't really.. jump into relationships easily, especially having just moved here, but maybe, it's a fun thought experiment. But I'm sure it was just a surface level crush back then, he's clearly happily moved on as he should." @survivalxofxthexfittest

[ashton-ryder]

Don't you hate Oscar now for taking away your last chance at love?

"Why would I? He was just less of a coward than I am. Besides, he's probably a better man for Ruth than I could've been. Am I a lil bummed I'm spending less time with my best friend? Sure. But let them be happy. I'll be fine."

@survivalxofxthexfittest @ruthellry

[ashton-ryder]

You deserve love.

"Oh-.. thank you, that's really sweet, I appreciate it but.. if it doesn't happen, it doesn't happen. I'm okay with that, I don't.. expect that kind of happy ending for me. It's nice enough that other's have found them."

[ashton-ryder]

Have you ever thought of finding something no strings attached? Just to let it all out? Sometimes a good bang sesh helps! =D

"Um.. no thank you, sex alone just.. doesn't do it for me. I don't know if anyone else here really gets it but- it's always been a conditional thing to me, like with a pre-requisite of love, if you will. Just sex alone honestly sounds like a chore. More hassle than it's worth."

[ashton-ryder]

How come you never made a move on Ruth if you love her so much?

"When you love someone that much, you never want to hurt them or cause them pain. Relationships with me only ever seem to contain hurt and pain. She doesn't deserve that." @ruthellry

[ashton-ryder]

Are you even happy

"Some aspects sure, other aspects - no, but does it really matter?"

[ashton-ryder]

What do you think Linds would think of how you’ve raised maisie?

"I don't know actually.. I'd like to think he's be alright with it, all things considered that he was in the same boat as I am with Maisie. I'm just raising her how I was raised. And, guess it helps that the person that raised me is also by my side now. I hope with that.. Linds can rest easy and in peace."