ashvoidlol - Tumblr blog

[ashvoidlol]

5/5/22

heyo, uhh started digging myself back into Japanese which is fun, i feel like i'm actually learning something. i'm going to a rally with A tomorrow, hopefully my ex won't be there but if so, A has given me permission to hold her hand. idk i really don't know what she thinks about me, like i feel like either she does like me and is just being really cautious about it, or she doesn't like me like that and is just being friendly. either way, it's okay, especially since i think i've found someone else that i can take out if A doesn't think she's ready or anything. accidentally made my eyebrow slit really fucking wide, it's not too bad so it's whatever but still, it looked really hot before. I might try to fix it the correct way tomorrow. i really need to get my shit together so i don't fail my classes, but that can wait a little longer. if A is up for it, i might see if i can take them out to dinner after the rally, or maybe shopping if it gets rained out. like i said, she is really confusing because she's a smart and guarding person so idk if she's just guarding herself or she's not interested, and i don't really wanna go out and say it because i do enjoy her friendship, i just don't know exactly how she feels and she isn't making it clear, which is something she has said she is bad at. i feel like i've gotten my intentions across pretty heavily, even going as far as her asking the nature of a hangout we had planned, and i told her it could go either way and she just agreed?? idk. whatever. anyways, it mcfucking sleep time. -ash

[ashvoidlol]

5/4/22

i have honestly lost my conception of time and i keep forgetting to write these. i barely remember what happened yesterday and what i do remember is both unimportant and things i want to forget. -ash

[ashvoidlol]

5/3/22

most certainly forgot about this. uhhh politics in america rn aren't pog, i'm going to recommit myself to learning japanese so i have a few options if the states collapse. i spent several hours designing my my singing monsters islands. that's all i really remember. -ash

[ashvoidlol]

5/2/22

right, so, this morning the person i asked out last night responded, we kinda talked for a little but she's a lesbian lmao so i took my leave. i think i got my intentions across with A today though so i think i should have a date with her soon. ex texted me about whether or not i wanted to stay friends because they "couldn't keep guessing" despite the fact that they literally haven't said anything in the past month. i told them no and the entire interaction honestly made me really depressed for a while, especially since i made the dumb move of putting on a sweater i had let them borrow, and even after washing it still smells like thme. so today was pretty cool. started watching overlord and it's really good along with rediscovering my old pirating website. idk, i did feel pretty depressed at a couple points today, i think getting rejected this morning combined with all of the shit with my ex really just made me feel like crying lmao. but, i survived and i'm here so that's what is important. gnite all, ily -ash

[ashvoidlol]

5/1/22

I uh almost accidentally asked out a middle schooler :DDD. she looked my age in her profile so i asked if she had a partner, which she did so i backed off and then she was like "it's nice that you think i'm pretty but i'm in 8th grade" and bro i about shit myself lmao. i apologized and stopped messaging lmaooo. i didn't know but i still feel really bad because she did NOT look that young and we had been sending each other memes for a while. mowed today, planted my Chinese Elm seeds, did some more random chores. just asked out a different girl, one that i've had my eye on for a while and i realize i think i made a mistake while asking her out, but she hasn't seen it yet and she will eventually so idk. it was worth a shot but this isn't the first time i fucked up asking someone out and this girl was someone i was really interested in, but we'll see tomorrow. gnite, about to call E cuz she's crying -ash

[ashvoidlol]

4/30/22

okay so i had a fukcking day and a half. woke up, kinda didn't do much, took a shower, asked A if they wanted to hang out, their mom seemed upset by it and that was apparently a no. Had a date with E so I drove to their house, thought i was gonna get shot because of how far they were from everything, was supposed to meet her mom but didn't? we started driving and she wouldn't stop talking, like it was a lot. she told me afterwards it was because she thought i was really attractive and she was nervous, which is really sweet. we walked into the place, they told us they were busy (it was prom night lmao), they couldn't give us an estimate, but they took our number and would give it a call eventually. we fucked around in the square for about an hour and a half, with no call so we went back to check in. they recognized us and told us they could just go ahead and get us seated. another hour, hour and a half maybe passed and we finally got our orders taken, and another thirty minutes to get the food. E doesn't touch her food. turns out, her ed decided rn was a really good time to act up. we had to get a box and i took the check early, during which the waiter lost my fucking debit card. like, it just vanished. they were so apologetic, looked for it for like thirty minutes, and finally just took my number so that when he found it, they'd call. me and E go back to the parking garage at this point, and we couldn't find my fucking car. we thought it had gotten stolen and called my dad to pick us up but we eventually found it?? i think there was just a rift in the universe where things that I Owned disappeared temporarily, because once we were back on the road, they called us to say they had found my card, which i can pick up on monday :D. E really mellowed out once she was tired and she did start to grow on me, but she lives really far away and she really isn't my type, so i don't think we'll go out again. she really liked me tho which is confidence-boosting, and kinda confirms that i don't photograph well lmao, bc she didn't think i was near as attractive as i am until she saw me in person. idk, kinda weird night, I might be able to get in a date with A in the next week or so, so not completely a bust. also got pretty lucking with my My Singing Monsters breeding when i got home, so that's pog. anyways, i'm McFucking Exausted and i need sleep. gnite all -ash

[ashvoidlol]

4/29/22

today was okay, i went to counseling for the first time in months and it was actually really nice, he gave me some advice on how to finish this semester. still really confused by A's signals, but I know no matter what that she'll be a good friend. me and E will be going out tomorrow night and i dunno how to feel about it. I know i'm excited for it i'm just not sure how much i'm going to like her and i'm afraid i won't. whatever happens, happens and it should be fun no matter what so idk. i am kinda worried A *is* interested and is just taking it slow, but idk. it is what it is, and i shouldn't complain if multiple people are taking interest. just asked all my friends what their favorite flowers are, so life is good. -ash

[ashvoidlol]

4/28/22

today was pretty meh. cleaned my car inside and out and now it's super fucking clean and i'm really proud of it and myself. gave my python a bath finally, he didn't bite me so that's pog :D. went to the store and felt really hot !!! anyways, that's kinda all. i talked with A and E more, i'm not sure if A is interested, which is ok ig. the fact that both of them could still go either way is stressing but its ok. need to get off my ass soon. anyways, gnite -ash

[ashvoidlol]

4/27/22

okay didn't really do much but text today lmao. took a pretty good shower, texted A and E all day, starting to realize the drawback of being a whore, I might end up having to choose one of them. I don't know if either of them think of me like that but they've both agreed to hang out and it's kinda weighing on my mind. E has been texting me a Lot which could have either platonic or romantic intent and we're going out to eat on Saturday and probably bowling on Sunday so idk. going out to eat sounds pretty romantic and we're going bowling with what I think is another couple? so that could go either way, it definitely sounds like a date but we'll have to see. A and me have also talked quite a bit today, they actually initiated conversation and furthered the conversation a lot, also asked me some fairly romantic questions?? like if I had a type and what my sexuality was? which I guess could be platonic or romantic. I also asked her to hang out at some local gardens and we might see each other this weekend if we're free. both of them have also gotten out of serious relationships in the past few months which kinda makes me feel bad. I just really don't want to hurt either of them. I feel like A is more my type and also a lot closer and I think I'd feel worse to break her heart, so I think she'd be my choice but there's so much up in the air. I don't want to hurt either and I don't know if either of them like me that way. I don't feel like it's wrong to date both as long as I'm not intimate with either of them but it's so confusing, like what if E makes a move??? I basically asked her out on a date so how could I reject her if she made a move that night? ugh I feel like whatever happens, happens but idk. I'm just worried I'm not going to have the balls to hurt one of them. tbh it would be easy to just go along with E because ik A would understand, I just kinda feel like I'd rather be with A rn because she's a lot more my speed and is closer. a relationship with E probably wouldn't last either. idk I'm so confused and i just need to breathe. anyways, night night all -ash

[ashvoidlol]

4/26/22

i totally didn't forget to post this one lmao today was interesting. I got up early to take my government eoc and it actually went really well, the test was super easy and i feel confident about it. i talked to a girl (we'll call her A) for a while for the first time since middle school and it was really nice, we talked a shit ton about flowers, tattoos, piercings, animals, and a lot of other random bullshit and it was really nice. also talked to the girl from yesterday (call her E) more, and i asked her out for saturday night and she also invited me to go bowling with some of her friends on sunday which sounds like it's going to be really fun. she seems really interested in at least talking to me, so it's safe to say i found a new friend or maybe even a gf, which is exciting. had some hella good grilled chicken for dinner, so all in all, today was really good!!! so good that i completely forgot to post and passed the fuck out lol. -ash

[ashvoidlol]

4/25/22

okay Speedrun cuz I'm tired as fuck. met a girl who was really cool and we became friends I think lmao. she apparently didn't know I existed? studied for my EOC. that's all I can think of. sorry. -ash

[ashvoidlol]

4/24/22

okkk so the girl I asked out yesterday said no this morning, which is disappointing but eh, I don't want to pressure her or anything. if anything I do just kinda wish I just asked her out as friends but I know it wouldn't have been a good idea to hide my attraction, it would have led to an unhealthy friendship and a lot of time wasted. realized it's normal to have rebounds so that's interesting. idk I did kinda feel confident about this girl, but I understand that she doesn't see me that way and isn't looking for a relationship, it's just gonna take a sec for it to sink in. on that note, my self confidence has wildly gone up and down all day, and I think I need to shave. I've been trying to decide if I want some stubble but idk, it kinda clashes and it's really easy for it to look ugly so I think I'm going to go back to just shaving it. there are still a couple girls I'm interested in though, so I might explore those ideas later in the week. one commented on my story a couple weeks ago and I don't entirely know what she meant by it, so I'm curious to find out what kinda person she is. she did used to date (maybe still dating?) a really old friend of mine but he's kinda not talked to me in years so I think it's ok. I really don't know what it means that I'm trying so hard to go on dates. like, that sounds normal? but im also just confused and I feel like I should be happy alone. idk. took a fat nap earlier so going to sleep will be interesting. wished a girl that used to live on my street happy birthday, so that's cool. idk, today was a lot of just me not having a good time, but I'm starting to reach out to people again which is good, and I feel confident. might have also ingested nail polish lmao. anyways, night -ash

[ashvoidlol]

4/23/22

hey, so I just asked a bit of an old friend out and kinda got a mixed answer which will be interesting to see how it goes, they're going to have to think about it. uh other than that, mowed today which was tiring, did a few assignments, went to the store which was surprisingly uneventful, and just generally fucked around with friends online. held a jumping spider and freed a wasp without killing it so that's nice. all in all, a pretty good day and I think I feel content from how the dating interaction just went so that's pog. anyways, I'll see y'all around. -ash

[ashvoidlol]

4/22/22

eyyy 2222 anywaysss. today was eh, didn't really get anything done, woke up late again, but i did take a shower and actually got to wash my hair this time. a new chick hatched which was pog but i realized it could just.. walk through the fence, so i spend a couple hours using up our wiring to make sure it couldn't but i ran out halfway through. discovered that one of the spices i bought yesterday at the asian market tastes like ass which made me look up if i could learn to like a smell, which i really don't think is worth it. today was very meh, i only have been awake like 12 hours, idk why sometimes i just sleep more it's so weird. anyways, i kinda feel zooted out of my mind rn, i'm going to sleep. -ash

[ashvoidlol]

4/21/22

aight today was pretty pog, woke up at 8 for the first time in a while, the light coming in from my window was really nice. i cleaned all my clothes and folded them, got my bed set up, and was actually all around productive. went to lunch with my dad and it was good, but i did leave leftovers there which was really sad bc of how much food i got. but i did get to go to the asian market near where i live and got a bunch of really interesting stuff. this really pretty girl started following me on insta but she's gay and has a gf :( she's so fucking pretty too like holy shit good for her. contemplated telling her in a non-sexual way but i decided against it, i probably shouldn't bother her. talked about sex stuff with that gay guy that's been hitting on me bc apparently i'm wayy more experienced than him, so that was a convo. was nice tho cuz i haven't gotten to talk bdsm in a really long time. actually got assigments done today!! also realized my assignment load for the eoc that's coming up isn't actually going to be that bad because my teacher unlocked the modules finally, so i can actually access material even when i haven't turned in everything... so i can get the assignments i need done for the eoc done and then i can go back to the others later which is really nice. all in all, feeling really good now that everything in my life is somewhat under control again, the first time since me and my ex broke up in fact and i finally feel truly single and not dependent on other people. i do really need a shower though. went back to an old playlist that spotify had updated and found some pretty good bangers too. aight, i think that's all, i really need to sleep. -ash

[ashvoidlol]

4/20/22

aaaaaa ok so today was meh, woke up really early after wanting to sleep in because i was supposed to go to the store but my dad had already gone :/. me and my dad were supposed to go out to lunch, but he got busy and so we're gonna go tomorrow. kinda annoying since i was ready and everything but it's k. ended up going to subway for supper which was really sweet because it's been at least 6 months since i've eaten there. sorta got out of my rut today, i cleaned all my clothes and i'm gonna wake up early tomorrow to get shit done. i also cleaned my room up and got my laptop charger, so i'm good to go. let in some natural light for once which should be interesting. feel kinda good about things, also contacted my own counselor just in case. i'm starting to realize that i really should just be focusing on myself for right now, other people aren't going to fix my shit for me and it's wrong to try and replace the intimacy my ex gave me. eventually i'll be able to do shit again but for right now, i need to just stay in my lane and grow, once this semester is over it'll be okay. once i get a job i'll be pretty busy and i'll have the money to invest in hobbies and seeing friends, which will be fun. anyways, i'm gonna go. -ash

[ashvoidlol]

4/19/22

today was eh, got left on read by a girl i asked out, the girl i was memeing around with hasn't responded either, so that's pog. went to esports the first time this semester today, honestly was kinda boring and we all ended up leaving early anyways. one of my nails is starting to peel off which kinda succ. one of my friends must have been having a bad day or something because he was really mean in the call earlier and it kinda fucked me over for a little, but i had esports so it was k. just kinda existing rn, not really feeling too much. honestly just really building on my confidence and myself, and i feel pretty good about it. i like where i'm at, and i'm doing really good :D. i love you all, goodbye. -ash