ashwinrock

[ashwinrock]

Idk why anyone thinks "nobody hates you" is a compelling argument. Sick. The absolute, bare fucking minimum. Indifference doesn't imply hate, and kinda feels worse.

[ashwinrock]

I think if someone cut me open, circuit boards and wires would spill out. Not even advanced stuff. It'll look like the fucking Harwell Dekatron.

[ashwinrock]

Like, what am I supposed to do now. The only people who I can relate to are right wing christians in their 20s. I just described hell. I'm in hell.

[ashwinrock]

"Homeschooling didn't socially stunt me. I'm great at socializing" I say for the first 18 years of my life, only socializing with other homeschoolers.

[ashwinrock]

Shattered my phone screen, which I think is a pretty good indicator of the vibes in the studio tonight

[ashwinrock]

I fear I will never be as happy as I was in 2023.

[ashwinrock]

Every month I think "mission accomplished" and then the next month comes around and I somehow manage to get even worse. I'm like the LeBron of being useless. I'm going into the history books with this run.

My New Year's resolution is to get worse

[ashwinrock]

2025 has been weird so far. All time low depression pit, and yet I've gone to the theater 18 times in four months.

[ashwinrock]

Nothing will ever even remotely prepare you for seeing the fun cousin cry.

[ashwinrock]

Feeling alone in a crowd is SO much worse than actually being alone. At least when you're actually alone, you just feel alone. When you feel alone surrounded by friends and family, you also feel suffocating guilt.

[ashwinrock]

Drowning myself between the Mediterranean Sea and the Red Sea, call that Suez-cide

[ashwinrock]

I think Sarah J Maas, and Rebecca Yarros are, collectively, the Millie Bobby Brown of authors.

[ashwinrock]

Art is eroding from the foundations. There won't be anything left to start rebuilding on. Video games and traditional art are taking it the hardest right now, but movies are hot on their heels. How long until books are no longer "profitable"? How long until musicians become a dying breed?

[ashwinrock]

Realizing that I've wasted the last year and half of my life has to be the most demoralizing arc of my existence. God as my witness, the moment my foot touches Michigan soil, I'm getting a therapist.

[ashwinrock]

Ended up working two extra hours today because I had nothing better to do while I waited for the movie I was going to alone.

[ashwinrock]

The thought of "forever" always used to seem comforting. I looked away for 2 seconds, and now it feels like a threat.

[ashwinrock]

Getting sick at peak depersonalization is crazy, cause not only do I feel disconnected from myself as a personality, I also have such a bad headache and lethargy that I feel just as disconnected from my body. The next 48 hours are gonna be like playing without a memory card. None of this is getting retained.