ashyrose73

[ashyrose73]

I am broken

When I last wrote I wrote that I feel like my depression is creeping back. I was right. 

I feel broken. I’m lucky in the fact that I can push it to the back of my mind when I am with certain people and that I’m extremely good at putting on a front when inside I’m screaming. 

I’m worried that I’ve got some sort of bipolar. I have months when I’m fine and I can cope and other times, like now where I just want to escape. 

I suppose there has been a lot of contributing factors: 

- Teacher’s at the school belittling me

- People trying to destroy my relationship

- Stressful situations at work

- Constant migraines

- Always tired, etc.

I’m too scared to go to the doctors because I had a bad experience last time and I’m scared they might think there is a safe guarding issue with the kids. I’m pretty sure I can get through this on my own.

I feel like I can’t talk to anyone. Only one person knows. I don’t want to tell people because I’m ashamed, but it’s getting to the point where I’m pushing people away and I don’t like it. I don’t like who I am. 

I am broken and I have no idea how to fix myself.

[ashyrose73]

Confused

I still feel down and I’m not sure why. I’m not sure if it’s my depression creeping back or if I’m just in a bad mood.

It’s easy to plaster on a smile and pretend I’m okay so I don’t have to speak about what’s on my mind because if somebody asked me what’s the matter I honestly wouldn’t be able to tell them because I don’t know myself.

I hope it’s not my depression coming back because I don’t think I have the right to be depressed. I have everything I could ever want in life. Beautiful kids, gorgeous boyfriend, supportive family, a job I enjoy, a house, food etc. There’s a lot more people worse off than me. I feel like I don’t deserve to be depressed.

I’m hoping that by writing here where nobody sees because nobody knows I have Tumblr that it will make me feel a bit better and I can write it all out instead of going back to the doctors and having to explain why I feel shitty.

I absolutely do not want to be on medication. I can do this on my own.

[ashyrose73]

Bleh

I’m feeling a little down, and I’m not entirely sure why. For the second time in as many weeks, I feel like I’m on the brink of tears but I have no reason to cry. 

I saw a picture in my Facebook memories of me six years ago today, twenty weeks pregnant with the twins, and stick thin. It made part of me long to have that body again, but it made the other part of me love and appreciate my body more for the three little lives that it made. I may not be the size 4 stick thin person I used to be, but let’s face it, the chocolate isn’t going to eat itself!

I think I’m feeling sad because I have been thinking about stupid things. Things like how I haven’t been able to provide my children with a two parent family like most people. They have started asking questions now, about why Mummy and Daddy can’t take them to school together like the other children, and why Jake has a Daddy who doesn’t see him and it breaks my heart having to explain things to them, but I want them to know the truth. 

When I was growing up I always had my Mum and my Dad, and I always hoped I would be able to provide the same for my children, don’t get me wrong I was young when I had the twins, but why should that mean I can’t maintain a family? It lasted ten months. My relationship with the twins Dad was a rocky one, we were on and off. He was young and very immature and did most of his thinking with the muscle between his legs. We weren’t together for nearly all of my pregnancy, but when I got taken to the hospital at 30 weeks pregnant with suspected early labour things changed, he came back from Spain and straight from the airport to the hospital to see me. We cuddled, and cried and decided that we would try again. It went well for a little while, and we were the cute little young couple with the twins. Then he slept with a minor and fucked everything up. We only have one picture of us all together, and the twins are so tiny you can barely see them, but I’m glad we have at least one. I’m sad for the twins that we never took any more. To be fair to him he is a brilliant Dad, he could do a lot more but I appreciate what he does do and the boys adore him. I couldn’t ask for a better role model for them. 

Jake’s sperm donor is a complete and utter tosser and I wouldn’t piss on him if he was on fire. I wish he’d take a long walk off a short pier. When we found out that I was pregnant we were both scared, but happy. He was great, he’d help with the twins, wouldn’t let me do any lifting or push the double buggy with the twins in, he looked after the twins while I went to my maths course so I wouldn’t have to manage the buggy on the bus. Then we found out Jake was a boy and it all went downhill from then. Ever since I knew him he always said he wanted a girl. We had a girls name picked out but were struggling for boys, but as soon as the sonographer said the word boy there was a change in him. You could tell he was disappointed straight away. He started disappearing for days on end with no contact then turning up as if nothing had happened. He also stopped being as fun and interactive with the twins as he used to be. Before the 20 week scan when I’d go to my maths course he’d take them to the park, or take them for a walk into town. After the 20 week scan, my Dad arrived home to the twins in dirty nappies that had obviously needed changing for a while, with him sat in front of the telly, ignoring the boys and even one time asleep. One Friday he left my house in the evening to get the last bus home and said goodbye as normal and said he’d see me tomorrow as we were going to sort my room out to make room for Jake to sleep as there was already me and the boys in my room. Despite numerous calls and messages, he didn’t turn up till the following Wednesday. He came into my house, didn’t say hello to me or the boys, laid down on my sofa and turned his back to me and fell asleep. I told him to leave numerous times but he ignored me. It took me phoning my Mum in tears to get him to leave. He accused me of checking up on him but I had every right to considering I was 37 weeks pregnant with his child. He eventually left and I sent him a text message saying that our relationship was over.

The stress of splitting up with him made me go into early labour and I was having contractions sporadically for weeks. The contracting stressed Jake out and he stopped moving a few times. The last time I was two days away from my due date so they decided they’d induce me on my due date. He missed the birth. He turned up at my house when Jake was two days old, so stoned he couldn’t stand up saying he wanted to see his son. Luckily we were still in the hospital and my Mum told him to do one. I was very quick to tell the staff on the ward not to let him in if he turned up. 

When Jake was ten days old I let his Mum come round to meet her first grandchild. She brought a friend with her who had given her a lift as she lived the other side of town to me. After a little while of all the niceties, she asked me if I was going to give the baby his name and I said no. She went off on one saying that she never got on with her son's fathers but they’ve all got their names. I said I didn’t care and that Jake was my child and I was deciding who’s name he was having. She told me she was going to phone him and tell him to wait outside the registry office so I couldn’t go in without him. Luckily she didn’t know I was having him registered the very next day. She then asked if I was going to let him see Jake and again I said no, he’d already let him down before he was born and I wasn’t going to let him let Jake down again. Her friend then went mad saying that she was going to phone social services on me if I didn’t let him have a relationship with Jake. Luckily my Dad arrived home soon after that and told them where to go. His Mum only saw Jake once more after that, and after being so excited that she was going to have a grandchild she’s never even asked about him. 

When Jake was fifteen days old he phoned me and asked if he could have a chance. I said he could have one and if he fucks it up then he’s not having another one. We met at the contact centre and the night before he messaged me to make sure I’d be bringing the buggy because he had loads of stuff for Jake and I wouldn’t be able to carry it all home. He showed up late, with nothing. I let the visit go ahead as planned but told him there would be no more as he’d let his son down again. 

He went on to have a daughter and called her Grace which is the name we’d chosen if we were to have a girl, and his mother is Nanny of the year to her. 

I didn’t hear from him again until just after Jake’s first birthday. It came after I’d argued with his then girlfriend and the mother of his daughter about something silly over Facebook. He said that he wanted to try again. I agreed but I wasn’t going to let him see Jake alone as I didn’t trust him, and I didn’t want him near the twins as he was a big part of their lives and I didn’t want them thinking he was coming back into their lives. We scheduled our visits when the twins were at nursery, or they were with their Dad. 

It went well for a little while, though I’m not sure Jake fully understood who he was. We’d meet in town mostly as he lived near there. Pretty soon it all came down to me. He stopped messaging me asking if he could see Jake and it was always me messaging him saying we’d be in town if he wanted to see Jake, and he’d say yeah and to message him when I was nearly there, but then there’d always be an excuse, whether it be he’d just been sick everywhere, or he needed to go somewhere. It was always something. So I stopped, and I haven’t heard a word from him since. This was two and a half years ago. 

There have been times I’ve seen him in town, a couple of times with Jake and a couple of times without Jake. When I have been with Jake he’s not acknowledged him at all, completely ignored him, and the times I have been without Jake he’s despite staring right at me recently he has not said a word. He has not even tried to find out how he is. He’s missed everything. Absolutely everything. His birth, his first smile, his first giggle, his first time trying food, starting to crawl, his first steps. Absolutely everything and I hate him for it. I hate that one day I’m going to have to explain to Jake about his father because I know it’s going to make him upset. Especially because he still see his daughter. It’s like Jake doesn’t exist.

Not that Jake needs him, he’s got me, and James who is amazing and has been there for all of his firsts.

I don’t even know what the point in this post was. It was making me feel better now I’ve got a brain block and can’t think of anything else to say. 

Well done if you’ve made it this far.

[ashyrose73]

[ashyrose73]

It felt like a dream when you first told me you loved me

(via somewhatsomelikepoetry)

[ashyrose73]

You’re not like the others. I’ve seen a few; I know. When I talk, you look at me. When I said something about the moon, you looked at the moon.

Ray Bradbury (via quotemadness)

[ashyrose73]

Rant

As a younger Mum, I never seem to get taken seriously and it’s beginning to get on my fucking tits.

I know my children better than anyone, and if I think they need a bit of extra support or encouragement then I’m going to do whatever I damn can to make sure they get that, but nobody seems to want to help or take me seriously.

I had a meeting with the Special Needs Coordinator at school and she said she’d sort out a ‘very well done’ book for Isaac because he responds well to praise. That hasn’t happened. I also asked if I could have an update via email before half term, that hasn’t happened either. I think these people feel like I haven’t got a clue what I’m on about, or they’re secretly hoping I’ll forget about it. They’re thinking wrong

I won’t go down without a fight. My son will get the help he needs. They have not heard the last from me.

[ashyrose73]

Random feelings

Today I have felt on the brink of tears all day, but I haven’t felt particularly sad. I just feel like the slightest thing is going to set me off. I’m not due a period or anything and I’m in an okay mood. Just feel like any minute I’m going to cry. Strange.

[ashyrose73]

[ashyrose73]

#100happydays Belated Day 3 - Bowling with the kids & Mum. I won, Isaac second, Mum third and Oscar last, Lunch at frankie and Bennies then back to mums for pancakes. Was a good day :)

[ashyrose73]

#100happydays Day 2 - These 3 boys, they are my absolute everything and they'll probably feature quite a lot :)

[ashyrose73]

Started this a couple of times before but never kept it up. Let's try again #100happydays Day 1 - My baby took his first steps today!!

[ashyrose73]

Quite possibly the truest thing I've read in a while

[ashyrose73]

Poorly :(

Yesterday was a whole bundle of stress, as a result of said stress I got a headache, soon that headache turned into a migraine, and ive still got it today :( Migraines are awful! I can't eat, I can't drink, tablets aren't helping. I haven't been able to take the twins to nursery. Smells make it worse. Sad times.

[ashyrose73]

Toffee and marshmallow rice Krispy stuff. So nice and easy to make 😍

[ashyrose73]

My 3 in Waitrose earlier. Should of seen some of the looks I got haha.

[ashyrose73]

The beginning

So I’ve decided to start blogging. I’ve been writing a paper diary for quite a few months now, but I figured blogging would be fun, to share stuff with others, and still have the paper diary to fall back on should I feel I can’t write anything on here. I guess we’ll see how it goes :) X