asimplestudentsblog-blog

[asimplestudentsblog-blog]

Second Entry

Hello, I’m back. 

Well, doesn’t that sound ominous as hell. I know that it’s only the second day of me having this little diary, but I can’t help but feel a kind of proud of myself for writing again and not abandoning it immediately after I started it like so many of my projects. 

I played a lot of “Sims 4″ today. The Sims series provides wonderful escapism for all kinds of people, but especially for me because I am incredibly prone to immersing myself into video games. Seriously, I can and will immerse myself into candy crush. And to be honest, I don’t know if that’s a good or a bad thing. Now, I of course could go to Google and look up what more important people than me have said about escapism. Scientists, authors, philosophers, whatever. But I want to figure this out for myself. Only I can say what this escapism means for me - if it is something that helps me maintain my sanity or if it’s something that keeps me from getting stuff done. In any case, I find playing the Sims a lot of fun.

This entry is still very short and I feel like I have to write something else, but I decided a long time ago that I need to let go of others’ expectations if I want to be happy and this is a good time to practice this. There isn’t even anyone there reading this, so I will write as much or as little as I like. The only person I have to satisfy with this is me.

See you.

[asimplestudentsblog-blog]

First Entry

“Keep a diary, and someday it’ll keep you”

Okay, who am I kidding. I just googled ‘diary quotes’ and wrote down the first thing that came up because I wanted to sound deep. I do not believe that I am a very deep person. I do think a lot, though. I reflect. About everything: about myself, my relationships, other people, capitalism, politics, the future, climate change... and that doesn’t even scratch the surface of things I think about every day. This is not to tell you “omg i’m such a thoughtful and amazing person i deserve so much recognition so recognize me bitches”, I say this simply to explain what is going on inside my head. This blog, or diary if you will, is to help me sort my thoughts and keep these thoughts from spiraling out of control. I meta-think a whole fucking lot and it drives me nuts sometimes. So, I figured I would start a little online-diary like this to start focusing on what I actually think rather than losing myself in a spiral of thoughts which ultimately leads to nothing.

I am well aware that at this point, nobody is following me so noone is reading this right now. Nevertheless, I will refer to my non-existent ideal reader as “you”, I hope you are okay with that. If not, let me know ;) (see how clever I am? Oh god, how cringy)

Let’s start in medias res. That’s right, you don’t get any backstory. Today was a pretty shit day, to be honest. Upon further thought, it wasn’t as shitty as it could have been, but I did a bad job of managing my emotions. Either I am too controlling or everything just bursts out of me like a waterfall (also, kind of like a literal waterfall on my cheeks. I cry a bunch in these moments). I just cannot imagine myself being happy ever again. But to be honest, I feel okay right now. I am okay now (I do not want any mcr references please, dear reader), I am no longer caught in the momentary prison of a peak in depression and if I can be completely frank with you, it feels amazing. Isn’t it funny how my mood can change from “this is shit” to “I’m okay” to “I feel kind of great” in one paragraph?

Sometimes I wonder if I am bipolar. My mood swings can be very quick and pretty severe, but I do not get the characteristic feelings of mania. I hate the fact that depression gets the best of me on more and more days. Mental illness is really hard,but I’m pretty sure you already know that. One of the factors that make it even more shitty is that not only do neurotypical people treat it like you are only feeling a bit down and you have to just pick yourself up and do yoga or something, but I tell that myself too. I often think that my depression isn’t as serious and that I don’t deserve treatment because it isn’t that bad, I just have to go outside more. I know, believe me, I KNOW that this is bullshit and that mental illnesses have to be taken seriously, but society has told me otherwise my whole life and I have to put in a lot of effort to unlearn that.

I’m getting bored of this. I think I will stop for today and tell you more about me, my day and my life tomorrow evening.

I wish you the best, see you.