asingleredheart

[asingleredheart]

This is the list of most natively spoken languages in the world, and I want to see how it relates to the (English speaking) tumblr population that will see this.

[asingleredheart]

Ocean

go to this random coordinates generator and say in the tags how you would fare if you were dropped where it generates without warning. i’ll go first i’d be dropped in the middle of the fucking south atlantic ocean and perish

[asingleredheart]

[asingleredheart]

u idiots u are not being sneaky EVERYONE KNOWS

[asingleredheart]

Meet the Birth Centrifuge

Or to use its more accurate name, the Apparatus For Facilitating The Birth Of A Child By Centrifugal Force, patented by George B and Charlotte E Blosnky in 1965.

You wondering "Surely this isn't an elaborate centrifuge where you whirl the patient round and round until you make the baby fly out? Surely?"

That's exactly what it is (and stop calling us Shirley).

As is the format for patent documentation, George B and Charlotte E Blosnky begin by explaining why the world needs a birth centrifuge. Apparently the foetus needs "considerable propelling force" to leave the body. The Blonskys say that "Primitive peoples" have the muscle and skeletal system to supply this while "Civilized Women" do not, so it's a racist birth centrifuge, too.

The way the contraption is supposed to work is this: "When the gynecologist decides that the most opportune time for childbirth has arrived", you are strapped supine to a stretcher at the head, legs and feet. The stretcher is then loaded up into the centrifuge. It then gets spun round and round at an alarming speed until the baby comes out.

The Blonskys are cagey about the appropriate speed at which a foetus would be "dislodged" (their word). At one point they mention around 8gs, then conclude that would probably be a bit much and suggest starting at around 2gs and going up from there.

In a supine position, a human would black out with in a few minutes at 2gs, and quicker at a faster speed. The Blonskys are well aware of this, and that the birth will therefore have to be achieved by centrifuging alone. They don't see this as a problem, because they have supreme confidence in their birth centrifuge.

At this point, we should point out that the speed at which you'd have to centrifuge someone to make their baby fly out has never been tested. It's uncharted science. There isn't really any data to show whether or not, when exposed to particular g-forces, things will go flying out of the human pelvis.

To prove or refute the concept of the birth centrifuge, can any astronauts, pilots or others who have had high-g training tell us if they let out a bit of wee or poo when you were in the centrifuge?

Anyway, enough about the poor soul strapped into this thing. What happens to the baby? Do you have midwives on hand with lacrosse sticks? Don't worry, it doesn't go flying across the room! There's a net to catch it. There's even a little bit of cotton wadding to prevent it being slammed into any machinery.

The net still raises unpleasant questions as a newborn baby's skull bones aren't fused yet so being accelerated into a net probably isn't good for its head.

Also, the Blonskys don't tell us what's supposed to happen to the placenta. Does it slam straight into the baby from behind?

The biggest question, we suppose, is why?

According to the story behind their design, the Blonskys - husband and wife - had visited the zoo and seen an elephant twirling in circles. A zookeeper explained to them elephants do this before giving birth.

Which, by the way, they don't, because centrifugal force isn't necessary for birth.

So maybe it's an elaborate piece of art critiquing the medicalisation of birth rather than a cursed doohickey conceived from zero understanding of the human anatomy. If so, the Blonskys played a blinder, as the patent documentation is delivered entirely straight-faced and with huge attention to detail.

Unsurprisingly, the birth centrifuge never went into production. The achievements of the Blonskys were recognised in 1999 with a posthumous Ig Nobel Prize for Managed Health Care.

You can enjoy the entire patent document here, technical specifications and all.

[asingleredheart]

Everyone pick up your government-assigned fursona, grab your two colors then combine it with this random animal picker. Tell us what you get and no rerolls, I don't make the rules.

[asingleredheart]

Today in niche genres of joke that I can never get enough of and will probably still be secretly thinking about four years later

[asingleredheart]

what is the lamest thing that ever genuinely scared you like either as a kid or adult. i got scared of those halloween cartoon scooby doo ass eye stickers ppl put on mirrors when i was 9 and screamed so hard i fainted

[asingleredheart]

Random Animal Generator - Perchance

[asingleredheart]

the narrator

you're the narrator! you are logical, objective, and reasonable. you don't feel the need to insert yourself into drama or to make waves. you want to understand and percieve, but probably don't like being percieved. you're an understanding person who sees the big picture of things.

with the discussion happening on my blog tonight here’s a “are you a main or side character uquiz” that i have yet to take so i think it’d be fun if we all shared our results to each other, let’s find out

[asingleredheart]

is there a word for “i was instantly good at a lot of things as a quote-unquote gifted child, and, as a result, i was able to skate by without ever being taught how to actually learn a new skill, and now that i’m an adult trying to learn new things that i can’t be good at instantaneously, i don’t have the patience or knowledge to improve on them, because skills that don’t come naturally to me just make me angry because i lived off instant gratification my whole childhood due to not ever being challenged intellectually or taught basic learning skills?” asking for a friend

[asingleredheart]

at this point it would be less of a liability for elon’s lawyers to just kill him and take their chances on a murder trial

[asingleredheart]

Girl autism: You’re never getting diagnosed. Either you’re too shy or too bossy and no adult has ever thought maybe you could use some help. Are you a chronic people pleaser or do you never listen to what anyone says? You finally found a word that describes your life to a T, and now everyone is gaslighting you into thinking you’re completely normal. Well you got the tism. go girlboss go!

try my quiz!

[asingleredheart]

She probably helped that girl solve her teen sexuality dilemma anyway, because if that were me and I asked an adult for advice only to find out the adult’s not only worse off than me but also the dumbest person alive, I’d accept the lesbianism just to get out of the awkward situation…

[asingleredheart]

Poll because I'm curious:

I ask for the "roots" because of this idea that in some "cultures" families are very big, and in other "cultures" they tend to be small, and I want to know to what degree this applies to cousins 😄