askevangeline

[askevangeline]

When should I call a friend of mine? Like at what time? And how do I deal with awkward silences?

It all depends on how close you two are, to be honest. Also, keep in mind that some people have different social needs than others. 

I’ve met many people who hate being alone, and always need to feel surrounded by people. I, on the other hand, feel drained when I don’t get enough alone time. Some people are more chatty than others.

So, good rule of thumb here is to only call when you have something to say. “Hi, how are you?” and “So, how was your day?” gets boring, pretty fast. Something like “Hey, I see that new movie The Heat (or whatever) is out, you wanna go?” is much more interesting. I would not call everyday, or even every other day.

As for what time, depends. Do they go to bed early? Do their parents have rules about what time is appropriate for phone-calls? (Mine would have a COW if my friends called late). Try not to interrupt any family time, like dinner. And of course, never call early in the morning when you think your friend (and their family) might be sleeping. 

Awkward silences are a cue to wrap up your chat. No one wants to fumble around with “ums”, and “yeahs.” So after you’ve talked, made small talk, asked how they are, made plans, listened to them gripe about life (or you gripe to them)… start ending the conversation. Tell them to take care and that you’ll chat again soon.

Hope this helps! Remember, it shouldn’t feel hard trying to talk someone, but it helps to plan out before hand what you are going to say/talk about. 

[askevangeline]

I need help, please help me! My dad and mom won't quit smoking I get really sad because I see there life shorting step by step I tell them to stop but they won't any advice I'm freaking out I'm literally crying right now please help me I BEG!!!!

This is one I can relate to, but sadly, this is out of your hands. When it comes to anything concerning habits of others, they can only be broken when they feel like it. People are gonna do what they are gonna do.

Both my parents are/were smokers, and they’ve gotten really angry with me when I’ve brought it up. They just wanna do their thing, and be left alone. My dad eventually quit, cold turkey, because his lungs collapsed on him. He was hospitalized twice for this.

I’m not telling you this to scare you, but just so that you know… sometimes getting sick is that kick in the butt some people need to convince themselves that they NEED to stop. 

My mother still continues to smoke. Even after the scare with my father. Her reasoning is, that we all die eventually, and she’d rather live happy doing what she wants. 

It’s sad, I know. You may feel like you are giving up on your parents by letting them continue on with this life choice. I’ve wrestled with this, too. The only thing you can do is be there for them, and love them anyways.

Obviously. If they ever express the desire to quit, encourage them. But that desire has to come from them, or it won’t work. 

[askevangeline]

Away

I will begin answering questions again, little by little. Sorry for my absence. 

[askevangeline]

I'm 5' he's like 5'11" is that too much of a height difference? Cute or awkward?

Not at all, I’ve always personally loved tall men. The guy I currently like is a foot and one inch taller than myself. 

Awkward can be cute. Don’t let something silly like height keep you from dating someone you really like. 

[askevangeline]

okay so i'm 16 and i've been dating this guy on and off for almost 2 years now, and he's also 10 years older than me. i really, really love this guy and he makes me happy and he says he loves me back and ugh. my main problem is that even though the age of consent here is 16, he's still afraid that if i tell my family about him and try to let him be involved in my life more that they'll scream RAPIST and have him put away, but i don't think that's true. how do i go about convincing (c)

I know you really care for this guy, and he says he loves you back… but your parents/mom/guardians are more than likely gonna flip. 

Yes. The age of consent in most states is 16, but a lot of those laws still vary from state to state. I think, for the most part, anything 4 years plus can fall under a “misdemeanor”. And being that he is ten years older, that could spell a bit of trouble for him. 

Be careful in how you go about approaching this. Your family, if anything like my own, will assume he is a douche and is preying on your young, susceptible mind. I’m not saying they’re right, but I’m not saying they’re wrong, either. 

You should be careful that you really know what his intentions are with you. Never let being “in love” cloud your judgement.

If he’s possessive, gets angry often, guilt trips you, is controlling, makes you feel bad about yourself, tries to keep you away from family and friends… keep an eye out for stuff like that. 

Other than that, you are 16. You are almost in the clear. Try bringing him around slowly, as if you are just getting to know him. At first as a friend, then mention (to your mom) later you’d be interested in dating him. If your mom meets him, she’ll feel safer knowing who you’re out with and is less likely to think him some sneaky creep. 

Best of luck. 

[askevangeline]

It’s never too late to become what you might have been.

George Elliot (via stepheninandout)

Thought of the evening. Before bed.

G'night.

[askevangeline]

Goodnight

I have to work out at the gym tomorrow morning, but I will be on, again, in the afternoon. G'night everyone.

I love you all, and you should love yourselves, too.

-E

[askevangeline]

I really want to cut. I know healthier ways not to but I don't feel like I deserve it. How do I become motivated to not hurt myself when SO many people have hurt me? Am I just expected to get over it? Yes I am and I'm sick of it. I should just kill myself from all of the shit that i've been through that i'm expected to get over. And I can't even take drugs to not feel anything. I have to just feel pain and not express it and not cope with it besides "talking" (forcing me to feel it)

First of all, hun, I am so sorry I can’t hug you right now. Because, I would. 

Just because you believe something, doesn’t make it true. You do deserve better than to cut. No one deserves to feel like shit about themselves, or wish they were dead. Sadly, this is so many people in the world. This was me once, too. Long ago.

Yes, and no. You are not expected to just magically get over it. No one ever gets over their past hurts completely. They survive, learn to deal, and march forward. Eventually with time, and sometimes seeking help, we can dull old hurts. Our pasts, as unfortunately ugly as they sometimes are, are what makes us. 

As for those people who have hurt you… FUCK them. To hell with them. Whatever they’ve done, whatever they try and do in the future… do not let them win. They don’t deserve to take away your dignity, or love for yourself. The best thing you can do, is go on and try and find your own happiness. 

Find something you love to do and do that instead of cut. Put your emotions into that. (I draw, and write). I also would suggest counseling, they can perhaps find a specialist that can help you with your specific life struggles.

Seek support, even if it is just from family and friends. Let those closest to you know what is going on. Just so that they are not in the dark. Understand that not everyone will understand what you are going through, but they can still be there. Even if just to listen. 

This will be a long process, but one worth going through the steps to find yourself, and your happiness again. There’s no magic pill for relief. It is an uphill climb, with many possible ways of seeking therapy, or help in general. You have to find a way that works for you.

Please don’t cut, or entertain thoughts of suicide. It’s always darkest before the dawn. 

Please, feel free to contact me whenever you wish. Even if just to rant. If you don’t want me to publish anything else, I can always private message you. 

[askevangeline]

how do you get over someone who's a good friend but only that...? I really like this guy--my friend--but I don't think it's mutual. At least; I'm not willing to find out on my own, and our friends make fun of him for texting girls and stuff, so I'm pretty sure he doesn't like me, and for some reason, I can't stop the feelings i have for him. How do I get over him? Time?

… Your friends make fun of him for texting girls? My. God. It’s like they’re in 2nd grade. 

If you think this is a lost cause, I say don’t stick your neck out. If he liked you, you’d probably have some sort of hint by now. 

I say you can still be good friends with this guy, but just… slightly less. For now. You need time away from him if you are going to get over him. Time helps, yes, but not if he’s right in front of you. The whole time. 

Try and find a new activity to keep you busy. Or, try hanging out more with your other friends. Practice flirting with other guys. Right now is time for you to take care of YOU. Do anything but pine over this guy. 

Ever heard of fake it till’ you make it? That applies to everything. Pretend for a bit that you are over him. Don’t talk about him, or drop your life just because he called. Actually act like everything is fine. Eventually, it will be. 

[askevangeline]

So this boy liked me for like a year and a half, it was really obvious. We texted every now and then, we were friends etc. Then a year later I developed feelings for him. Sometimes it seems like he still likes me, other times it seems like he doesn't. Anyhow, 2 days ago he asked for my number(bc I changed phones and so did he and we haven't texted since last summer) but he hasn't text yet. He's nice to me, but maybe we're just friends. What are signs we're friends and what are signs he likes me?

You can’t guess via text what a guy feels, or doesn’t.

But one thing for sure, if a guy like-likes you… he’ll make time to see you. (If he knows you’re interested). 

You have to get him talking/texting again. If only to try and hang out with him. There is nothing wrong with you waiting a day, or two and texting him. Be like, “Wow, haven’t heard from you since last summer. We should catch up this weekend”. And then suggest something you both enjoy doing. 

If he’s not down to hang out one on one, he may be shy, or just see you as a friend. You need to see if he flirts with you, though.  Be a little flirtatious yourself, to see his reaction. 

If you’re just friends, he’ll treat you just like everyone else. At a party does he mainly stick with you?

It may be that he no longer likes you like that. Or, he could be afraid that you don’t like him back. Try and get extra chummy with him, and have excuses to make more physical contact (arm touching, pat on the back, play shoves). Try and make more plans with him, without being pushy. You can pretty much judge his response as an answer to your question. 

[askevangeline]

Basically, there’s this guy I really like. We have really similar families who actually distantly know each other. We’ve never talked but he’s in my class and I think that we’d get along. So, I was just wondering, does the holding his gaze thing really work? And how does it work? Am I supposed to catch his eye and just hold? or smile? or look away and smile? I’m stuck.

What do you mean by your families distantly “know” each other?

I don’t have the “holding a gaze” down to perfection, or anything. But the point of it, is to get his attention and let him know you are interested. 

Yes. Let him catch you looking (not creepo stare down) at him. Hold for a second. Look away. Repeat. Smile and look away. Try and subtly notice if he is staring back. If he is, catch him staring. Preen, or play with your hair a little. Don’t do everything at once.  

By then, he’ll at least know you noticed him. You can approach him later on and make small talk. Be all “hey, I noticed you in blah-blah-blah class…” Bring up a topic you two would share in common. Depending on how your families knew each other, you might even bring that up.

I can’t guarantee he’ll like you back, but by being positive, getting his attention, and showing interest… you have a better chance. 

Later on. When talking to him, be upbeat, make eye-contact, smile a little, laugh if he’s trying to impress you. Make sure you are turned towards him when you are interacting with him. Find an excuse to subtly touch his arm, or pat him on the back. Watch how he reacts. 

All these things imply interest, which is what the look/look away game is about. 

[askevangeline]

Ive been with my bf for 5 years, and i love him very much. But there is this guy i work with who i have developed feelings for that grow stronger and stronger every day. I cant stop thinking about him, even when i am with my boyfriend. I feel so guilty and dont know what to do.

Depends how old you are and how much you’ve dated. You (more than likely) aren’t going to meet the guy you’re gonna marry/be with forever right away. I don’t believe in soul-mates, or just one person being right for you.

You will date many people and fall in love thousands of times. The person you wind up with will be the person who’s touched you the most. Maybe they just understand you better. 

Don’t throw away the five years you’ve invested in your bf so quickly over a new crush. Just because you’re in that comfortable phase in your relationship, it may seem boring, or like all the love is gone. Try rekindling the fire back up with your bf. Do/plan something romantic with him. Try and remember why you fell for him in the first place. 

That new love/excited feeling you get with a new crush is sometimes just that. We are human, and our eyes still work, even if we’re taken. That doesn’t mean this new guy is more special. It’s just the novelty of being attracted to someone new. 

Try and put more time and effort into your bf. If your relationship can’t be saved, then it’s time to move on. But make sure you break it off completely with your bf before seeing someone new. 

This new crush may be absolutely nothing. Remember, never dump a sure thing for a maybe. 

[askevangeline]

2/probably 3. Usually he comes up so he can go to the casino (no worries, it's not an addiction, they just put free slot play on his player's card, so he uses that). However, when we see each other he always kisses me, holds my hand, etc. Basically, not very "just friends" behavior, though no sex. I don't object because honestly, I still like him a lot, but I know he has an online dating profile he uses - though I don't know if he's met anyone or not. I would assume no.

Typical. He wants “no relationship” but still wants to see you, and act like you two are dating. 

Are YOU okay with a casual relationship? This is the most important part of your situation here. Your guy seems to want the comfort of not calling it a relationship, and still see you once a week.

Best case scenario, he still likes you, and is just too chicken to break things off with you cleanly, because… hey, it’s comfortable this way. He gets the best of both worlds. And no dramatic breakup.

OR, worst case scenario. He could use this to date you and other girls (that you’ll never meet) on the sly. 

You never know with anyone these days. I’m not saying be jealous, but just let guys that you date know that you expect to be respected.

Be straight out honest with him. Next time you see him (not over the phone) tell him what you told me.

You still like him, and you understand his reservations about not wanting a long-distance relationship. BUT, that he doesn’t act like you two are just friends. You just want to know where you stand with him. Just so that things don’t get all twisted and feelings aren’t hurt here. 

Depending on his answer, decide if you are on the same page with him. If not, move on. Best of luck. 

[askevangeline]

Well, there is this boy I like and our text convos are very flirty, but I dont know if I should tell him I like him or not. How long do you wait to tell someone? Ughhhh and then there is my bff who is a girl like me and I like her. I dont know how to explain it. We are always together, always texting and idk like we click. I've never thought about being gay (like she is) until now, but I am only really attracted to her, but not in the same way as this boy. Is this normal? what should i do?

If you like someone, there’s no better time than now to tell them. Tomorrow someone else may ask them out. Granted, I expect that you’ve known this boy a while. You just don’t tell them the first few days you’ve known them that you like them. Since you and him have been flirting via text for a bit, there’s nothing wrong with telling him you like him.

Unless, you NOT are sure what your feelings are. 

It’s okay to be bisexual, or even just have an admiration crush on a girl. I’ve felt that way about a girl before, too. Until I realized that I didn’t like her in the same way I liked boys. Maybe, you are confusing this tight bond you have with her for “like”. Being fond of someone, sharing all your secrets with them, laughing and crying over the same things… those are the things we look for in love. 

But it doesn’t mean every person you get close to you’re gonna fall in love with.

Think long and hard about your feelings for your bff. You are perfectly normal. Maybe you are bi, or bi-curious. Or, maybe, you just admire her and care about her a lot. There is a difference. Don’t tell her you like her, until you are absolutely positive… because, this just wouldn’t be fair to toy with her like that.

And the boy. Think about both their feelings here, not just what you want, or would like to happen. 

Do you imagine yourself dating, holding hands, kissing any of them? Would you be jealous seeing them with someone else? Once I realized I didn’t want anything more than to maybe kiss her, I knew I didn’t like my (girl) friend in the same way I liked a boy. (Even if I was jealous of her boyfriend). 

You might just think she is super-pretty, and cool. Or, maybe you do like her. But you have to think this over for a bit, first. 

[askevangeline]

[askevangeline]

Still so many more to answer...

I've been away, I know. I will answer more in the morning. :) Goodnight. 

[askevangeline]

I think I'm falling for my best friend, but I have a boyfriend. I love hanging out with my best friend and he knows me inside out, but I do love my boyfriend a lot. What do I do?

Just because you are comfortable with someone, it doesn’t mean it’s “love”. Be careful that you are not confusing fondness, or familiarity with another type of bond. 

Don’t ditch a sure thing for a maybe. Stay with your bf until you know you’re not just confused. Let some time pass. If you still find yourself wavering, you know it’s time to break up.

You can’t keep them both, and you have to be fair to your bf.

Also, do you even know if your best friend likes you back like that? It’s too much to risk if you are not sure.