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Ask Hua Li #18 - The World is Bigger Than Jian Ghomeshi

Hi Hua Li,

I was just wondering if you could weigh in – do you think Jian Ghomeshi is a rapist/woman abuser? What do you think about this concept of withdrawal of consent years after the sexual act has occurred?

Just Curious

Dear JC,

I would like to start with your second question, because honestly, I think it is infinitely more worthwhile and interesting than the first. I have devoted very little time to following this whole Ghomeshi situation (and I’ll get into why in a moment) so I can’t say definitely what retroactive withdrawal of consent has to do with him, but I can tell you that I find the idea rather worrisome. It is confusing and harmful when consent, which should be a very black and white issue, becomes a theoretical concept – to call someone a rapist because years after a sexual act you have decided to withdraw the consent you gave at the time of performing the act makes obtaining consent completely meaningless. (I will say that if consent was not properly obtained at the time of performing the sexual act and someone was to only recognize this retrospectively, that’s a different thing.) Consent shouldn’t be complicated. Consent should be given willingly, without coercion and should be ongoing. Withdrawal of consent should be communicated at the time of withdrawal and should be respected by your partner. That means if you decide that you don’t want to continue in engaging in whatever sexual act you might be engaging in as you engage in it, you have the right to stop it. I would go further to say that in fact, as a responsible, sex-positive adult that is fully aware of all of the risks and blessings that come with having a fully actualized sexuality, it is your responsibility to communicate the withdrawal of your consent at the time of withdrawal. It’s the respectable way to treat yourself and your partner. If you are ever in a situation in which you feel uncomfortable expressing your withdrawal of consent, than your partner is not a good person for you to be having sex with, and very likely did not provide you with a safe space to give consent in the first place. People think consent is confusing because there is an implicit cultural belief that sex needs to be shrouded in mystery and we have to read body language and sometimes when people say no they mean yes. When someone tells me no I don’t take anytime to consider if they might be lying to me. That’s disrespectful to me as someone who takes consent and the active obtaining of consent from my partners very seriously. If you say no, I will assume you mean it and I will put my pants on and go home. Some of my most significant and successful sexual encounters have been with partners who took consent very literally and made the commitment to confirm my consent every step of the way. The type of sexual acts should not cloud consent – BDSM is sexy because in actuality, the submissive partner has all the power. The gift of consent is power. If a dominant partner in a dom/sub relationship has problems with obtaining ongoing consent from their partner, than they are a miserable failure. They have completely missed the point. They are not sexy.  Their sexual acts take a turn from kinky exploration of power dynamics to abusive behavior. I will reiterate – consent should always be a black or white issue. Do I know for a fact if my partner is exuberantly and actively happy participating in whatever I am asking them to participate in? If not, stop!

As for Ghomeshi – what do you care what I think about about Jian Ghomeshi? Because consent happens between the parties involved in a sexual act, and because I have never been involved in any type of sexual act with Jian Ghomeshi, and because I was not present during any of the sexual acts that Jian Ghomeshi is under scrunity for I have absolutely no opinion as to whether or not those acts were consensual. A lot of people are making big deals out of this, like this situation is about women not feeling comfortable talking about abuse or not being considered credible. That, I suppose, is a worthwhile conversation, but I think we are all collectively wasting our time talking about Jian Ghomeshi. I feel very strongly about this because I know that for most young people in Canada, their main source of news media comes from their Facebook news feed. Well, I don’t know about you guys, but my newsfeed has been about 95% Ghomeshi since Sunday. What is even more distressing to me is that since Sunday, when I visit the sources of news I like to visit outside of Facebook, the percentage of media coverage on the Ghomeshi story still outweighs pretty much everything else. This is worrisome to me because there is a whole wackload of other  things going on in Canada right now. Did you guys know that Toronto had a mayoral election this week? May I remind you that just last week a gunman killed a Canadian soldier at the National War Memorial in Ottawa? Did you know that the controversial bill C-13 that was getting heavy opposition until the Ottawa shootings passed the House of Commons on Tuesday? While you’re reading all these news stories, it might also interest you that Harper effectively sold Canada to China earlier this year (okay, this is a bit of an exaggeration, but you wouldn’t know that if you don’t read the article). What I’m trying to say here is, let’s stop talking about Ghomeshi because it’s not really news, it’s basically celebrity gossip, and let’s start talking about some of the current events that are going to make a lasting impact on the Canadian milieu. Let’s have intelligent, considerate and respectful discourse about consent and the issues survivors may have reporting abuse. Let’s not concern ourselves with other people’s sex lives and the consent or lack thereof in their sex lives because what we think about other people’s sex if we are not involved or even present for the sex, doesn’t matter.

[askhuali]

Ask Hua Li #17 - Group Sex for the Future

Hi Hua Li,

What's your take on (and experience of?) threesomes and swinger swaps? I'm a thirty-something woman whose last relationship with a male partner involved a lot of talk about having another woman join us. I'm bi-curious, but have never been with another woman, so it intrigued me. My one concern was not ruining the intimacy I had with my boyfriend, since I didn't want jealousy to get in the way. We broke up for other reasons, but now I regret not having tried that with him -- the logistics of it just never worked out, or maybe we didn't try hard enough? Part of me is even considering calling him up and suggesting a one-off swinger outing, just to see what that would be like. Given the sorts of guys I tend to go out with, I'm not sure that any future partner of mine would be open minded enough to go for that sort of thing... And I now realize that it's on my sexual bucket list. Any advice?

Generally Monogamous Maggie

Dear GMM,

Your question brings up a lot of interesting points about swinging and group sex. The first (and likely most irrelevant) point is that of my own experiences, which I’ll simply say have me firmly on the side on jubilant exploration of group sex for all. When it comes to swinging in particular, there is an implication of coupling and hetero-normativity that is not really my bag. If North Americans are going to run around the world bombing innocent people back to the stone age in the name of democracy, my hope would be that that in the future the entire world will enjoy a sexual democracy where all eligible citizens may participate in orgies equally. Group sex for the future, everyone.

A Benetton Mob associate who finds himself particularly close to my heart said to me recently, “I think I’m motivated by fear. When I’m approached by a situation that I feel fearful toward, I get the sense that I especially have to go through with it.” Facing your fears is a profound experience because we are often fearful of things that are enriching to our lives. Let’s first take a really basic example – picture yourself, GMM, on the cusp of losing your virginity.  Making out has been great and now your boy has totally won you over by showing you this cool trick where he can take your whole bra off with one hand! Maybe he is a sophisticated young lover and even had the inkling to place one of your nipples between his lips, teaching you that you are one of the lucky women in this world for whom their nipples act as a pleasure highway straight to their clitoris. This is pretty much all you could ask for as far as formative sexual experiences can go, and you’re totally ready to let him stick it (but not before he wraps it!) and you are suddenly overcome by a sense of exhilaration and anxiety as he clumsily tries to find the opening of your vagina. You get a knot in your stomach and you tense up for a while before you come back to your enjoyment-senses and realize that wow, sex is really awesome. It also lowers your blood pressure and some people say that it makes you look younger, and I’m pretty sure I once read somewhere that sex is natural anti-histamine. All positives that come out of something that, for a huge majority of us, we are at least a little bit fearful of.

Emotional vulnerability is a lot like that. It’s hard to disarm ourselves of our emotional defenses. It’s another thing that the majority of us fear before we ever do (and often continue to fear even once we’ve reaped the benefits of it). No one likes to be defenseless because crying in the fetal position during your morning shower is something like most of us would like to avoid, and while shower-crying is certainly not a guaranteed product of practicing vulnerability, anyone who has shower-cried before can most likely tell you a thing or two about vulnerability’s downfalls. But let me tell you, GMM, group sex is one of vulnerability’s greatest advantages. It’s a unique type of community-oriented interaction that allows for an unmitigated celebration of whichever bodies happen to be present and willing to participate in the sexual acts unfolding. (Democracy at it’s finest.) My general experience is that if you find yourself coupled and as a couple, the two of you end up participating in a group sex experience together, it will more likely than not increase the sense of intimacy you share with each other because, look, you’ve now had sex with another person (or maybe lots of other people) in front of each other and you still love each other. If you can’t inherently trust your partner, I would say literally letting them go and watching them come back to you is pretty reaffirming.

This all being said, GMM, I think the essence of what I’m trying to get at is two-fold; I think that if you have sexual curiosities, whether they be specifically directed to your orientation when it comes to gender or the particular number of partners you’d like to have a sexual experience with, it’s worthwhile to pursue them. Your desires are there for a reason, and it’s empowering to explore them, especially if you have to get past some hang-ups first. I would also like to suggest that if group sex is something that you genuinely have an interest in, that you try not to limit yourself to future partners that don’t also share this interest. Spontaneity and a shared sense of adventure as a couple are things that can keep love flowing and growing in a relationship.

[askhuali]

Ask Hua Li #16 - Anal Fisting & Loving the D

Dear Hua Li,

What are your thoughts on anal fisting?

Sincerely, Not Quite Gaping Dear NQG

To be completely honest, I don’t have many of my own thoughts on anal fisting, since I have personally neither been fisted nor have I ever facilitated a fisting, anal or otherwise. In fact, my preferences happen to lie far enough away from fisting that when I watched this cute white girl in the grade below me in high school put her fist in her mouth I responded with at least 20% revulsion. There is something I find a little aesthetically displeasing about seeing a wrist coming out of a sex-hole, like I just want to scream out, “Oh my god, that is so much hand in there!” Disregarding my own preferences, Ask Hua Li is all about delving deep into sex’s most challenging conundrums, so I sought out the advice of #BenettonMob’s very own sex shaman for some words on anal fisting:

Hua Li (HL): I think the thing I’m most curious about it is how anal fisting happens. Do you find it takes some premeditation?

Sex Shaman (SS): I would say there are two types of anal fisting. There is planned fisting and there is accidental fisting. Personally, I find accidental fisting more intimate and exciting than planned fisting.

HL: How does accidental fisting happen?

SS: Normally it happens when your penis is large enough that it creates, already, an ample opening in the anal sphincter. So when you get plowed over and over, your hole gets bigger and so eventually the person wants more and more, but your penis (well, my penis) is not the size of a fist, so that’s the next place to go. Usually the person who can be fisted, actually, in my experience, does not have control over their sphincter, so they completely let go in that moment – you have to fully let go in order to be fisted, so people who have control, or who are very controlled, experienced bottoms – in order to fist them, they have to really want it. Accidental fisting usually happens with a person who is generally a top by circumstance, but by choice would likely bottom. It happens somethimes that when I top someone, and because I’m a very thorough fuck, I’ll eventually get bored. So I’ll end up fingering them, and then I’ll realize the hole is very open and then I try to see how many fingers I can put in the hole and then I end up with a fist in it.

HL: How do you think it feels to have a fist ‘end up’ in you?

SS: I think if you like big objects inside of you, it would fill you up – it would feel good. I just feel like once you go to fisting, where are you going to go after. Horses?

I feel like I would save fisting for marriage.

HL: I recently read an article about a woman who was saving anal sex for her wedding night because we don’t save anything anymore.  I’m totally a romantic about things like this sometimes, but it’s nice to leave that one last barrier uncrossed, I guess. I mean, I feel like I have certain barriers uncrossed for a reason, but - especially if, as you say, you have to completely let go to be fisted. That’s kind of beautiful.

SS: Fisting has a bad reputation because the only depictions of fisting are in porn and it’s usually extreme porn where people are doing it like they’re fucking machines. People are afraid that that’s what’s going to happen to them when they get fisted. As you said, fisting can be beautiful – except for the hurting part. That’s the tough part.

Dear Hua Li,

I hate to sound arrogant, but I would say that I’m someone who’s been around the block and back. I’m promiscuous at times, and I’ve experienced a whole variety of different types of relationships with both men and women, so I think I have a good read on what is happening when I’m intimately involved with people. I’m in a phase right now where I’m engaging in casual sex relationships exclusively, and I’ve made that pretty clear to all my partners. Recently when I was having sex with one of my partners, he told me he was in love with me. My gut-feeling is that he is not really in love with me, but in love with my dick. I would like to tell him this so he can learn about this aspect of intimate relationships but I don’t know how. What do you think?

Concerned Silver Fox

Dear CSF,

I would like to start by saying that I think you should reconsider your position in this situation. I absolutely think you should be honest with your partner about your own feelings in your relationship and you should be upfront about your past experiences and your intuition. However, I think going into an emotionally charged conversation with your partner with the attitude that you are their opportunity to learn something about themselves is a little presumptuous. I would suggest keeping this in mind and being respectful about honouring your partners feelings regardless of either of your past experiences.

Your question, CSF, does bring up some interesting points. Why does orgasm make our hearts feel so good? I have said time and time again that I could never fall in love with someone who couldn’t consistently keep me engaged and excited in bed. And the sub-text of that statement is, if they can’t keep me cumming, I can’t keep the love coming. Obviously love relationships have to do with things other than sex, but I want to take a look at how sex plays into our feelings of love and attachment, and by sex, I really mean, our brains during sex.

At it’s most scientific and least romantic level, when you tell someone you love them, you’re really telling them that you’re a dopamine addict. Dopamine is the neurochemical that activates our reward center, and our reward center drives a lot of our behavior. When we do things that we need to do for the survival of our species, like eat or drink water or achieve goals or fuck that super hottie on your neighbour’s fire escape during a summer thundershower, our reward center is activated. When you get a hankering for a big fat slice of strawberry cheesecake, or when your genitals start tingling when you hear a peal of thunder, you are actually craving dopamine (which is not to say that cheesecake and sex are not delicious in their own rights). When it comes to dopamine, most of us are Pavlovian dogs.

Another chemical that is released in the brain during orgasm is oxytocin, also known as the “bonding chemical”. Mothers get flooded with oxytocin during labour, which causes them to form a bond to their children, and partners bond to each other as a result of oxytocin, too. Oxytocin is released in both sexes when we hug, touch, give each other orgasms or generally are physically affectionate with one another. Often therapists recommend fighting couples to make a point to cuddle after sex to stimulate oxytocin production. Oxytocin also acts as a natural tranquilizer, so you might potentially end up in a cuddle even if you didn’t plan it that way.

So CSF, I’m sure if you’re serving your partner that good dick, it’s very possible that it has contributed to their feelings for you. It’s hard for us to discern the difference between our response to the complex chemical reactions in our brains that take place during orgasm and the feelings that being intimate with a suitable and respectful long-term partner stir in us. In many ways, dopamine and oxytocin are big players in all love or sex (or love and sex) situations, because in many ways, humans are just dumb addicts and things are rarely as complicated as we make them out to be.

[askhuali]

Ask Hua Li #15 - Fuck Labiaplasty

Dear Hua Li,

Labiaplasty has ruined my sex life. Before finding out that pussy plastic surgery was even a thing, I never really thought much about how my genitals looked. I didn’t even know how they looked because I had never bothered to take a hand mirror and have a look around until it occurred to me that women are actually having surgery to make their genitals look better. Turns out I’m terrified by the appearance of my vagina. I have trouble enjoying oral sex now because when I see someone go down there I can’t help but think of my initial shock upon seeing my pussy lips for the first time. It’s really hard for me to enjoy sex now because I feel like the guys that I’m having sex with are doing so out of pity or despite my crazy looking genitals. What can be done?

Insecure Beef Curtains

My dear IBC,

I think labiaplasty is one of the biggest shames to ever emerge from the overall shameful cosmetic surgery world. As if it wasn’t bad enough that women are constantly inundated with impossible beauty standards that manifest in neurotic desires to inject silicone in their asses and cheekbones, have the fat vacuumed out of them and their faces stretched into their hairlines, they now get to internalize anxieties about the precious, magical cove of sweet, succulent pleasure that is their pussy.

Okay, so I’m a big fan of female genitalia, but, IBC, it wasn’t always this way. I saw my first vagina at the age of ten when I took my non-English speaking grandmother to a specialist appointment to check something with her bladder. I used to take my grandmother to all sorts of doctor’s appointments but this one in particular stuck out because after I had vacated the room to allow my grandmother to change into a hospital gown, I reentered only to be met by her bare genitals staring me right in the face. Seeing your own grandmother’s vajay is definitely not the best introduction to female genitalia. The image was burned in my mind for years and when I eventually had my sexual awakening, I had a feeling that it would be impossible that anyone might want to make any sort of connection to my genitals if they looked anything like my grandmother’s and despite my mounting curiosity, I avoided ever grabbing a mirror and taking a look. While my partners generally seemed pleased to take a face-first-tongue-out-tour around my vulva, I still couldn’t help but wonder if my pussy was pretty or appalling. It made for some pretty self-conscious sexual encounters, which I later learned was only preventing me from having the earth-shattering orgasms I deserve.

Eventually, I would have the vulva-confidence breakthrough I had been coveting. After a considerable amount of exposure to other women’s genitals (in porn, photographs and IRL) I got used to the idea that our bits are delightfully diverse and beautiful in their own strange and completely singular ways. It was easier for me to appreciate what other people had to offer than it was for me to appreciate what I had between my legs, but appreciating others taught me how to better appreciate myself. Even still, I would often get a little fright when I took at look at my own genitals. The ultimate game-changer for me was meeting a partner that emphatically expressed to me how attractive they found my pussy. It’s one thing to have someone go down on you and get the sense that they’re having a good time, but it’s another to have a partner describe to you in detail what it is exactly, they find aesthetically pleasing about your sex.

I really feel for you, IBC, and I hope you take some time to do some research on pussies. Look at pictures of them, look at real ones if you’re comfortable with that (and the person showing you their kitty cat is comfortable with it too!) watch a variety of porn, flip through the 101 Vagina coffee book. Do whatever you need to do get over your assumptions about what is normal or attractive and learn to love your pussy! And for anyone that ever has an opportunity to interact sexually with someone with a vagina – please do take the time to let your partners know that their pussy is truly something special.

[askhuali]

Ask Hua Li #14 - When You’re on Grindr & Your Dad’s on Adult Friend Finder

Hi Hua Li,

I've just started exploring on Grindr, and I've been recognizing guys I know platonically. In most cases, I'd be fine if that changed. I'm pretty open, but haven't disclosed my identity online, yet.  Should I feel comfortable taking the initiative, or is it more common for users to prefer anonymity? What's the etiquette around bringing up (or not) in a conversation what you've noticed on the app? Considering I know they're looking for something, what's a better way to approach them about it?

First Ride's Free

Dear FRF,

I find the world of hookup apps and websites (which I generally refer to collectively as sex social media) absolutely fascinating, if not also a little creepy and intimidating. I’ve briefly mentioned my personal experiences with OkCupid and Tinder in a previous column, and I’m inclined to say that while I’ve learned that my preferences for how I go about meeting potential sex partners don’t necessarily include either of these services, I can certainly see what their appeal might be to others.  One of my good friends, for instance, loves Tinder because it allows him to meet people from social circles outside of the ones he normally travels in. Another friend suggested to me after living for a year in New York City that sex social media was the only way to go on dates in the city because everyone is so busy trying to pay their exorbitantly high rents. Personally my distaste for sex social media stems from being a social and very tactile and otherwise sensory oriented person. I like to hear people’s voices and read into their body language and smell their pheromones. It’s hard for me to make the leap from ‘swiping right’ on a cute picture to meeting someone in person because once I enter the (often times banal) world of chatting through sex social media the immediacy of sensation is gone and there’s a good chance I’m already interacting in some capacity or another with someone in real life and so by that point, I’ve completely lost interest.

While I don’t have much personal experience with Grindr outside of the late-night cuddling sessions I’ve had next to friends using the app trying to get out of their late-night cuddle with their platonic lady friend, I would say that from what I’ve seen, most people choose a username that isn’t their actual name, which suggests a certain amount of discretion. On the other hand, it’s expected that most users will choose photos of themselves because, well, that’s only fair. Basically, I think most people using Grindr or other sex social media assume that they will run into people they know IRL. I think it’s definitely possible to use sex social media as a means to begin a flirt with someone you already know outside of the Internet. I would however, find fault with the logic that you should approach your friends about what you’ve seen on the app based on the assumption that you know they’re “looking for something.” I mean, I generally assume most people are interested in having sex with someone regardless of whether or not they are using sex social media as a tool to have that sex, and I’ve never really tried to open an interaction with, “Hey, I know you’re human, and I’m human too, and I also know that humans often love to have sex with each other so… do you know where I’m going with this?”

I reached out to our Benetton Mob sex shaman, whom I would say is particularly adept at navigating the dynamics of sex social media, and he made some interesting points, saying, “If you are a good friend, you should not get all up in your friend’s sex game business. If your friend wanted to fuck you, they most probably would have already, or at least they would have tried. Grindr is a game everyone is playing that no one wants anyone to know they are playing. It’s intimate – you may as well ask your friend, ‘how big is yr dick.’” He makes a good point. I’ve definitely had friends mention to me that they saw me on Tinder or OkCupid, and I’ve had friends send me friendly, complimentary messages on both of these platforms, but generally neither of us assumed that just because we were both looking to bang someone, we necessarily wanted those people to be each other.  Sometimes sex social media can be the ice breaker two people who are attracted to each other in real life need, but I would remind you, FRF, that while you should trust your instincts on these things, it’s always a good idea to remain respectful and non-invasive about the ways that the people you know in life go about their sex games.

Dear Hua Li,

My father recently got divorced after fifteen years of marriage to his second wife. I’ve come to learn over the intervening months since the divorce that my dad is a total dog. He cracks jokes about hooking up with girls even younger than me. I find that pretty annoying, but my real concern is that one time, when I borrowed his iPhone to look something up, AdultFriendFinder.com was open in his browser. I’m pretty sure that website is a scam and that everyone on it is a bot. Isn’t that the site that comes up in the sidebar when you watch free porn on the Internet? Should I tell my dad that he’s wasting his time and money?

Timid, Confused Son

Dear TCS,

I had never really poked around Adult Friend Finder until after reading your question, and I have to say, if only on a purely aesthetic level, the site looks pretty scam-y. A friend of mine that used to write scripts for Brazzers mentioned that the same company that owns Brazzers owns a huge majority of free, streaming porn websites, as well as a hookup site, whose name escapes me, that very well could have been AdultFriendFinder.com or maybe not. (At the time I was just a musician, and not a sex writer, so these things seemed less important to retain.) Regardless, this friend confirmed that many of the profiles on sites like these are bots created by the website owners in order to generate hits and convince members to fork over the cash to sign up. A cursory Google search brought up an overwhelming number of negative reviews and consumer reports specifically aimed at Adult Friend Finder, particularly, the lack of real, active profiles on the website and the frequency of sketchy credit card activities, so I would say, TCS, that your suspicions are fairly justified.

I’m curious as to what’s stopping you from telling your father what you think about the website. Do you feel uncomfortable talking to him about his sex social media use because of the way his jokes make you feel? Maybe you could look at this is a means to open up a discussion with him about what annoys you about his jokes – you know, gain his trust, and then use that trust as leverage to talk about the real stuff. Or, you could try not being manipulative at all and just present him with the facts about Adult Friend Finder and allow him to make his own decisions. Maybe you could just forward him this column. I’m not sure how things work in your family, but if you feel like there are things you want to bring up with your father, or anyone that you’re close to, my experience shows that it’s best

[askhuali]

Ask Hua Li #13 - Intimacy (or not) with the Camera

Dear Hua Li,

I’m a straight girl in her early twenties living in Montreal as an Anglophone. I’ve been here for two years and have bounced from restaurant job to restaurant job and I’m starting to feel really dissatisfied with my standard of living. More and more, I’ve been considering becoming a webcam girl. I think I would have fun doing it, and I could make a lot more money than I do now. I’m just afraid that people will find out who I am and I’ll be exposed as a cam girl in my regular life and I’m also scared that there are risks that I’m not even thinking of. What do you think? Should I become a cam girl?

Scared, Not Shy

Dear SNS,

I believe fairly strongly that sex work is work like any other type of work. If I were considering working as a webcam model, I would research the industry as I would any type of new job I was considering. For instance, if I woke up one morning and decided that I was completely fed up with being a rapper/sex columnist and instead, I was going to take my realtor’s exam and become a real estate agent, I would hope that before I began studying for the exam, I might try to talk to some real estate agents about their job, or at the very least, do some internet research on what responsibilities and day-to-day routines might look like for a real estate agent. Last year, the New York Times published a story called, “Intimacy on the Web, with a Crowd” that covers some of pros and cons of webcamming, which might be a good place for you to start in your research if you haven’t already read it.

Personally, SNS, I get the feeling that people generally consider webcamming to be one of the safest forms of sex work, but having no way to confirm this myself, I reached out to a former webcam model about their experiences. I brought up your concerns toward the risks involved with camming, and this is what they had to say:

“This was about 6 or 7 years ago so things like Google image search didn’t exist yet. Even though at that time it didn’t exist, a few clients were able to find out personal information: my name, personal email, and phone number. I think with the advancements in technology things could be different now. The people I worked with were able to sort of tell me about each of the clients, who they were, if they were creepy, and what to expect out of them. I was pretty young at the time and fairly fearless so it didn’t really bother me that clients knew some information about me. I think it would react much different in this sort of scenario now. I am not sure I would be as comfortable.”

I asked them if, in their experience, camming felt more controlled because it happened through a computer rather than IRL: “I think any work is potentially unsafe; risk is just everywhere. You face it every day if you bike to work or get into a vehicle. You are really putting yourself out there when you do cam work - your face, your body. I don’t think the risk is as high as, let’s say, something such as escorting where other factors can come into play (health, physical safety, etc.) but I do feel you really need to protect yourself to the best of your ability. There can definitely be risk involved with cam work so to think you can control the situation going into it isn’t necessarily the best attitude. If someone is deciding to cam through a company I think they should ask the people running the company how they deal with these types of situations. If you do get into an uncomfortable situation, you should definitely bring attention to it immediately and potentially sever the communication with this individual. For me the biggest part of doing any type of sex work was having a support group to fall back on. I was always in contact with someone in regards to what I was doing, where I was going, and when I would be done. I think this is key to being safe in any sex work.”

And SNS, if you’re interested in getting started:

“There are a lot of different companies that can provide you with a viewer base when starting to cam. In Montreal specifically, I can think of several straight/gay sites that offer cam jobs. When I decided I wanted to do cam work I had talked to a couple people I knew who had done it in the past. The experience they had seemed fairly positive and they made pretty good money. To get my 2 slot times a week on the site I had to first go through an initial over email interview and send some x-rated photos. After that I had a face-to-face interview at their offices. Once they were pleased with me, I had to shoot a solo video, which I signed my rights away to for $300. It was a short 10 min clip that is posted on the website. I would get $75 cash for each show and whatever tips viewers would send me. This isn’t the same with every company, but it was what I had to do to get my spot. For me, camming at the time seemed fairly low risk. I used an alias and set up a different email to converse with clients. I received tips via PayPal after each show. I tried my best to keep my life outside of work hidden.”

So, SNS, while I certainly won’t weigh in on whether or not you, personally, should become a webcam model, I will suggest gathering as much information as you can, and deciding for yourself if webcamming is the right job for you. Regardless of what you decide, don’t let that MTL hustle discourage you, it’s totally worth it.

[askhuali]

Ask Hua Li #12 - Comfortable Kink

Dear Hua Li,

My girlfriend and I (hetero man) have begun exploring some kinkier sex, and in particular, she’s asked me to be more dominant in bed.  Recently, she asked me to choke her, and she expressed to me afterwards that it would have been preferable for me to hold her neck a lot harder. I feel insecure about how to push the boundaries without having to burst the bubble and ask if what I’m doing is okay. How can we communicate these things to each other during sex?

New to Kink

Dear NTK,

This is an interesting question that I think has to do with feeling like practicing consensual play and suspending disbelief in order to enter the fantasy of that play are at odds with each other. I can understand how you might feel like having to pause at every new sex act with your partner for verbal consent might turn into a buzz kill.  My personal experiences with partners who have verbally confirmed consent with me in this manner have ranged from somewhat agitating and distracting, to provocative and totally sploosh-worthy. The differences in my experiences had to do with things like the type of language my partners used to check in with me, and their body language during those check-ins. Part of exploring kink and Dom and Sub relationships is discovering and developing the preferences that you and your partner have for maintaining consent.

It seems as though, NTK, you and your girlfriend are already able to discuss your sex lives with each other relatively comfortably, which is great. You could potentially alleviate your anxieties about boundary pushing as a dominant partner by discussing with your girlfriend what she is comfortable with before you get down to business. If the two of you lay out the cards on what types of scenarios turn you on, why they turn you on, and the specific emotional and physical limits that are appropriate for those scenarios, you might find that it will be easier to fully engage in your play. You can also discuss specific cues your girlfriend can give you using body language to communicate things like ‘back off’ and ‘keep going’ if the two of you would rather not do so verbally. Most people give these kinds of cues with their body language anyway, so often it’s just a matter of identifying what these things are yourself, and then helping your partner learn to recognize them.

Hi Hua Li,

I have been having unprotected sex with a long-term casual sex partner, and operated under the assumption that despite the fact we are both having sex with other people, that for the benefit of our sexual health, we were exclusively having unprotected sex with each other. I checked up with him about this recently and found out that in fact, he’s also having unprotected sex with other people. Should I continue trusting this person? What do I do now?

Downward Bareback Spiral

Dear DBS,

The first thing you should do is get tested. If you’re not sure where you should go to get this done, you can consult the Ask Hua Li dealing with this very topic. It’s important to re-establish your baseline for your sexual health now that you have been exposed to someone else’s genitals without your knowledge, especially if you think the behavior of the partner you’ve been having unprotected sex has been more reckless than you assumed. Then, DBS, once you’ve dealt with the testing side of things, you need to face head-on the idea that your sexual health is not something you should be making assumptions about. I can’t speak to whether or not you should continue trusting this person in particular, but I can definitely say that if you are going to continue having unprotected sex with the person (after you’ve both been tested) you should lay out some parameters for how you will reduce the risks involved with unprotected sex.

The general rule of thumb is that if you have multiple partners, you shouldn’t be having unprotected sex, but let’s face it, DBS, pretty much everyone likes having unprotected sex, especially if it’s happening in a relatively controlled, safer-sex, ethical context. While I haven’t done much research past the fact that I’ve noticed more and more people talking openly about this stuff, my general feeling is that people (in my immediate circle) are becoming comfortable with exploring alternative relationship models, including open relationships, or poly-somethings or (my new favorite pan-sexual buzz term) relationship anarchy. This begs the question, how does one reduce the risks involved with having unprotected sex with their primary partner or otherwise bareback-chosen-one while also having sex with other partners? Firstly, absolutely have a very clear, sober conversation with your partner about your expectations from each other when it comes to respecting each other’s sexual health. Some terms I might agree to would include limiting unprotected sex to each other, committing to getting tested regularly (and what regularly means to you and your partner should be discussed specifically), and establishing an open line of non-judgmental communication with each other in regards to each other’s sexual health.  That means if one or both of you manage to slip up with slipping on a condom with your other partners, you should feel comfortable letting each other know, without fear of chastisement or shaming from your partner. Finally, I think it’s important to establish with each other what the parameters of unprotected sex include – for instance, I would remind my partner, in a conversation like this, that any genital-to-genital contact could potentially expose someone to an STI. So, for instance, if my partner were to rub his dick against someone’s pussy lips before you wrapping it up, I would want to know about that. As we know, sex comes with its risks, but rational, open communication about these risks and specifically about which risks one is comfortable with taking can help reduce anxiety over just how safe everyone is being.

[askhuali]

Ask Hua Li #11 - Started on the Bottom, Still on the bottom

Hey Hua Li,

Every so often I get really turned on by the idea of my partner's cock in my ass. Problem is, trying to put anything in there, no matter how tiny, results in some in-the-moment discomfort and panic when I feel like I might be accidentally defecating, and perhaps more problematically, a persistent feeling of being "stretched out" and feeling like I'm going to fart lube after any anal play is concluded.

Is anal play just not for me? Does everyone having regular anal sex always feel weird in the behind for several hours all the time? Any tips on how I can come to terms with or avoid these sensations and just revel in what so many others seem to enjoy?

Thanks,

Sensitive Sphincter

Dear SS,

Ride and die Ask Hua Li readers will remember the very first edition of this column where I covered the ins-and-outs of anal play. Mostly my advice pointed readers toward trying to cultivate feelings of relaxation and mutual trust with their partners. Take it slow. I’ve received all sorts of follow up questions in regard to anal play since then, so I’m glad, SS that you’ve brought up these concerns. I’ll start by answering your first question – I firmly believe that if bottoming in an anal sex scenario is something that you desire, there is a way for you to explore it with minimal discomfort. I would say that your “in-the-moment panic” could have more to do with your post-anal-anxieties than you might suspect. I felt that this might be a good time to reach out to our #BenettonMob sex shaman for some guidance, and he directed me to, as he put it, “the most powerful bottom I know.”  Here is the comprehensive bottoming advice that followed:

1. Be a Clean Bottom

Clean your ass really well. Like, really well. Use your fingers to give yourself a gentle scrub. Get everything out of your anal canal. (At this point I asked Mr. Power Bottom about douching…) Absolutely douche, but don’t douche immediately before because sometimes water is still stuck up there even if you think you’ve gotten it all out.

2. Get Slippery

Use plenty of lube. Experiment with different kinds of lube – they all provide for different sensations. I asked Mr. Power Bottom about his preferences, and he likes to go with generic KY jelly. Sometimes there really is no need to reinvent the wheel.

3. Breathe

Take big breaths. Like Lamaze classes! The secret to relaxing is the breath. Try holding your shoulders up next to your ears and then taking a big inhale and exhale. If you’re not a space alien, you’ll probably find that your shoulders naturally will try to relax into their natural, not-next-to-your-ears home on your exhalation. Exhalations help muscles release tension, so focus on areas where you would like to create space using your breathe, especially when those initial moments of “oh gee, you’re going to put that where?” panic set in. You could even try getting your partner involved in some deep breathing if you’re feeling especially wound up, maybe helping the two of you create a moment of intimacy before you open the gates to a new-level of bottoming.

4. Treat Yourself

Sometimes all it takes is a little bit of distraction. Masturbating yourself can be a great way to shed any residual feelings of tautness that you might be experiencing. Remember that as a bottom, you will provide more enjoyment for your partner if it seems like you’re enjoying yourself too.  

5. Fear Nothing You can do anything you set your mind to, in life, and in bottoming.

I went on to prod Mr. Power Bottom about your post-anal discomfort, SS, and here is what he had to say, “ For me, most of the time the hurting ofrstretched out feeling is no big deal. Really try to keep in mind that asses can take a lot. Like, way more than dick can take. It gets way better with time as you take more and more dick.”

There you have it, SS, a thorough probing into bottoming with one of MTL’s finest. Hopefully with time your anxieties will be alleviated and you and your partner will be gleefully drilling your ways to the moon.

Hi Hua Li,

I recently started working from home for the first time in my professional career, and it’s been really great. I love setting my own hours, doing my work on my laptop while lying on my couch and chain-smoking through all of it. I’ve noticed, though, that I’ve become more and more compulsive with the rate at which I masturbate. It seems as though I can just be working away like normal when suddenly something pulls me away from diligent internet research to YouPorn and I’m in bed, three fingers deep. Should this be cause for concern? I still have regular enjoyable sex with partners that are not myself, but should I be able to tell myself enough is enough?

Compulsive Self Love

Dear CSL,

I think the general rule of thumb here, is for you to assess your own situation. Does your frequent masturbation get in the way of your work? Are you able to complete your work according to the deadlines either you or your work-world superiors have supplied you? Are you masturbating compulsively despite a real desire to stop? Do you feel irritable when you aren’t able to masturbate several times a day, or is it not such a big deal if it doesn’t go down? You need to weigh the pros and cons here and see if your masturbation is negatively impacting your life. If it seems like it’s not, you’re probably gold!

If you are personally uncomfortable with the frequency with which you masturbate, CSL, you might want to consider cutting down, but my (somewhat deeper than) cursory research into the negative effects of masturbation didn’t turn up much. I did find that doctors generally feel that for women, masturbation can aid in having more frequent and higher quality orgasms, decrease stress, relieve pain caused by menstrual cramps and improve your mood and self-esteem.  In fact, the only negative effect of masturbation I could find from a credible source suggested that if one is particularly rough with their own genitals, it could cause some discomfort or pain. They then went on to suggest taking a break for a day or two. Cool. Similarly, a search for negative effects of masturbation in men took me mostly to prudish, Christian pseudo-science alarmist blather. But, hey dudes, if you find that you’ve irritated your own penis skin, try using some lube.

[askhuali]

Ask Hua Li #10 - Period Sex

Dear Hua Li,

Can you explain to me why I always feel so horny while I’m on my period? It seems like a particularly cruel part of womanhood. To go further, I’m currently seeing a man that tells me that it’s okay for us to have period sex, but I’ve never done it before and I think it might gross me out. Is it safe to have period sex? How do I deal with the nasty factor?

Thanks!

Grossed Out

Dear GO,

Let’s talk hormones. Do you suffer from PMS and wonder why? Week three of your menstrual cycle (that would be the week right before the dam opens on the red sea) coincides with a drop in estrogen and a peak in progesterone. Keeping in mind that I’m just a rapper, not a medical professional, I blame everything negative in my life on progesterone. Feeling bloated? Progesterone. Stupid food cravings? Progesterone. Weird feelings of feverishness? Progesterone. Headaches? Depression? Anxiety? Violent mood swings? Strange vivid dreams? You guessed it! Many women feel relief from these symptoms of PMS almost immediately after their period arrives because at that point, their estrogen levels begin to rise. In my still-not-entirely-scientific-opinion, estrogen is like the MDMA of hormones! It makes you feel relaxed and euphoric, affectionate and totally randy. Real scientists have done studies to suggest that when women are experiencing their peak levels of estrogen in their cycle (that would be the days leading up to ovulation) they tend to have a heightened sense of smell, are clearer thinkers and are better coordinated (you know, so you can formulate and execute a plan to snag that QT with the really good smelling pheromones).

In the first days of your menstruation, you’ll probably notice that you’re feeling pretty fatigued. That’s because when you start menstruating, estrogen and testosterone are at their lowest levels (also, iron). Testosterone starts climbing during this week, and as you hit day three or four of menstruation you’ll probably start getting that feeling like your clitoris is gently but incessantly knocking at the door of your brain being all like, “Hey girl, got a second to do something about me?” At which point, judging from your question, you’re all like, “Ew, talk to me after you’ve cleaned yourself up, bb.” There’s a lot of advice out there on period sex, like, if you’re afraid of the mess, don’t do it on your heavy flow days. On a light flow day, take a shower right before and then lay a towel down on your bed. Things like that. I don’t know about you, GO, but if my sexual activity had to center itself on a towel, I would immediately identify the towel as a rapidly increasing rift between me and my orgasms. I’m also totally blood-phobic, so the thought of (even a drop of) blood gushing out from my legs as my partner tries to get his rocks off is enough to make my labia shrivel up and retreat back into my body. So what to do about that pesky testosterone ramping up your libido? Well, if you’re committed to having period sex whilst avoiding the towel of passionlessness, you could try using an Instead Softcup.

In an effort to be the realest sex columnist on the block, the last time I menstruated, I picked up a box of Softcups from the Pharmaprix (that’s Shopper’s Drug Mart for all you Toronto readers) up the street from my house and tried to have period sex for the first time in my blood-phobic life. Full disclosure, GO, I use a Diva Cup when I menstruate, so I thought this disposable version of a menstrual cup would be a walk in the park. On the contrary, I was absolutely shocked by the size and shape of it. After reading the directions about seventeen times, I worked up the nerve to stick the thing in me, and realized that actually (at least for me), they’re way easier to put in than traditional menstrual cups. The Softcup is shaped kind of like a diaphragm, so it makes sense that you would be able to have penetrative sex with it in. (Keep in mind that it’s totally not a form of protection! Wrap it up kids.) On a purely feminine-product-level, I still prefer my traditional menstrual cup, but I think the Softcup would be an almost equivalent backup. On a period-sex-level, I would say that it’s great that you can use it and avoid a gross, bloody mess, but was otherwise problematic for me in a number of ways. The Softcup sits just behind the part of your pubic bone you feel in your vaginal canal, and for me personally, that’s kind of a part of my vajay that I like to feel stimulated while having penetrative sex. I also really like to exercise my ability to give my partner a nice little squeeze with my kegels every so often, just so they know they’re on a good track. I felt like my ability to squeeze was definitely dampened by the plastic ring that, though is soft and totally molds itself to the shape of your vajay, I feel like is generally kind of bigger in diameter than most penises I’ve seen.  Essentially, I was thrilled that life had offered me a huge game-changer in my options for period sex, but totally not thrilled at how little vaginal stimulation I felt during sex with the Softcup in me. This all happened on the last day of my menstruation, so nature blessed me with a side-by-side comparison, the verdict being, I really like sex without a cup inside me. That being said, every kitty is different, so it’s worth a try. I asked my partner what he thought of the Softcup and this is what he had to say:

“Every once in a while, I would feel a plastic gem deep in your soft pussy tunnel, and it was weird, but still worked. I’d take that over a bloody dick. I definitely noticed the difference after you took it out.”

I should also mention, GO, that taking out the Softcup for the first time threw me for a bit of a  loop. It took me several tries, which I punctuated with a few coffee breaks. I think it’s really about angling your pussy, and I found that leaning back over the toilet with my legs spread was the only way for me to effectively get my fingers in a position where removal was possible.

Ultimately, period sex is totally physiologically safe and you should go for it if you and your partner are both comfortable with it. If you’re afraid of the mess, you can try using a Softcup, keeping in mind that sex with a plastic cup lodged in your goodie goodies is different than sex without. And yes, GO, I’m totally with you on this – rising testosterone levels on that third or fourth day of menstruation is a mean joke that nature plays on us more squeamish ladies in this world.

[askhuali]

Ask Hua Li #9 - Coming Out & Staying Calm

Hi Hua Li,

Is it worth coming "out" to my family about my open relationship? I am very close with my mother but recently I have found myself lying to her on the regular about big chunks of my life. SO and I have been together for 3 years, live together, family loves them, but sometimes I go on trips with other lovers and I can't even post photos to facebook! Family isn't homophobic or religious but I just don't know if they will understand... They live across the country so it's not impossible to hide, I just love my mum and am tired of the deceit. What to do?

(almost) ethical slut

Dear AES,

Let me start first, by telling a personal story. Before I went home for Xmas this year, I went to my best friend’s apartment and indulged myself in a small breakdown in front of them. They told me it was normal to feel anxious about visiting my parents because for many of us, we move away from home partly to shed our parents’ expectations of us, and so when we return home, we have to mitigate our real-city-selves and our home-with-the-folks-selves. They told me the only real way they could imagine not having these anxieties would be through integration of your real-city-self with your parents. They also told me they thought this was impossible, so naturally, the needlessly competitive person I am, I took it as a challenge and tried to be as real as possible with my parents, which I also took to include finally coming out to them as queer-identified.

I realized that coming out as queer-identified can get complicated pretty quickly when you’re having a conversation with someone who doesn’t know the historical or political contexts of self-labeling as queer. I constantly thank my lucky stars that the conversation I had regarding this with my own parents was not nearly as emotionally charged or earth-shattering for them as I imagined it could be, and instead gave way to many other interesting dinner chats like, “You just say these things to drive your mother crazy,” or, “ If you don’t think you fit in any labels, why don’t they just make new labels?” or, “Aren’t you worried that people will think you’re a lesbian?!”

I feel like our situations, AES, are not so different. An important part of my coming out process with my parents had to do with having some open discussions about alternate relationship models and how I feel about these relationship models based on my own ideals in love and my past experiences. Overall, it had a lot less to do with dropping a label into their consciousness, and more to do with trying to help them get to know a side of me they had never seen before. If you feel that your relationship with your family is such that you can have some productive dialogue about your open-relationship with your partner then I encourage you to pursue coming out to them whole-heartedly. If, on the other hand, you feel like you might feel some resistance that might not be productive if you lay all your cards out on the table, I suggest taking a gentler approach. In my case, with my very traditional Chinese mother, I laid out all the reasons why if her child was non-hetero-identified it might be a good idea to participate in creating a safe space to talk about these things. We had a series of hypothetical chats on this topic before I ever made it about her child and her own family. Helping your family define the terms you’re using and explaining to them the historical/political/cultural contexts of why it’s important for you to come out to them can sometimes make the eventual “coming out” conversation a little easier for all of you to deal with, because you’ll be working within a conceptual framework you’ve created together.

AES, I hope that however you decide to brooch this topic with your mother, it ends up being an enlightening experience for both of you, and brings you closer. Coming out is a very personal decision, and I think it’s progressive of you to consider the idea that coming out is not limited to your sexual identify when it comes to gender preference, but additionally can be applied to any type of sexual preference, whether that manifest itself in a specific type of act, body part, relationship model, or really, anything you could possibly dream of.

Dear Hua Li,

I really enjoyed your answer about condoms and oral sex last week, and I have a related question. I have noticed that I go through a cycle of anxiety when it comes to unprotected sex and STIs. I would say that generally, I’m pretty good at using condoms, but every so often I’ll slip up and then I’ll obsessively worry about having caught an STI. I’ll research it online and convince myself I have the symptoms for everything. Luckily, every time this has happened I eventually get tested and I think because I’ve never actually had an STI, eventually I’ll get slack on using condoms again, and I’ll go through the whole cycle all over again. Do you think this is normal?

Wheel of Worry

Dear WOW,

If your only question here is really if this type of behavior is normal, I will warn you that my conception of what is and what isn’t considered normal may not be an excellent reflection of how other people might feel. I mean, I’m a rapper with a sex column. With that out of the way, I would say that, yes, it’s probably quite normal to experience anxiety about STIs and guilt about not practicing safer sex, given that it’s normal for people to experience any range of anxieties regarding sex since we all operate in what is normally a sex-negative culture.

I will go on to say that I don’t think it’s necessary for you to have to continue going through this cycle. I appreciate that you are making an effort to practice safer sex all the time, and I would encourage you to continue to do so. Try to learn from the times you’ve thrown caution to the wind – identify what kind of situations bring out extra risky behavior on your part, and try to avoid letting those types of situations get the better of you in the future. If you do slip up again in the future, try not to manifest needless negative feelings by dwelling on your guilt and try to avoid going so deeply into WebMD assisted hypochondria by planning regular visits to your STI clinic. If you’re getting tested regularly anyway, you’ll at least have a good working knowledge of your sexual health history, and hopefully that will keep you from descending into another bout of the ol’ bareback bother.

[askhuali]

Ask Hua Li #8 - New Territories & New Flavours

I’ve been crushing really hard on a person lately, and I think they’re crushing on me back! We’ve hooked up a couple times, and we get along really well, but, here’s the thing: they’re a sex worker. I have no personal hang-ups about what they are doing for a living, but I do have some insecurity concerning my relative lack of experience. On top of that, I wonder if it will be a different experience cultivating intimacy with this person. What do you think?

New Territory Crush

In my experience, if you really get down to the basics with pretty much any sex worker, they’ll tell you that it’s just a job like any other job. They have clients, they work with their clients to establish their needs, and they do their best to provide for those needs within the dimensions of the services they offer. I would say that the main difference between sex work and any other type of employment has less to do with the work itself, and more to do with assumptions that others make about sex work. For instance, people rarely meet a psychologist and think things like, “How can they connect with their partner with integrity after having to connect with all of their patients all day long?” or “Wow, I can’t believe their partner lets them council all those people and doesn’t get jealous.” We all come with our own suitcases full of preconceived notions regarding sex work, and the best thing you can do, NTC, if you want to cultivate a meaningful relationship with your new crush is to seriously examine your own attitudes toward sex work and try to face head-on any of the attitudes you discover within yourself that are not necessarily reflective of your own values, but are positions that you have internalized from living in a predominately misogynist, sex-negative culture.

As far as your insecurities about lack of sexual experience – I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again – if ever you feel insecure, you should try to have some honest communication with your partner about it. If you make an effort not to hide your insecurities and rather work through them, you’ll find that it will likely cultivate closeness between you and your partner, and if not, you’ll at the very least get to walk away from the situation feeling as if you dealt with it like a boss. Who doesn’t love feeling like a boss?

I reached out to a friend for some more first-hand information about sex workers and their relationships, and this is what they had to say:

“I would say that the sexual experiences one has as a sex worker are different from the sexual experiences they have in their life. Being a sex worker means having sex to please a client and get their money. It sure makes someone experienced in reading people, but it rarely makes someone experience with what their own preferences are in bed. Sex workers of all genders generally don’t cum with their clients, for example. That could say that it doesn’t matter how many people a sex worker has had sex with, they might not be very experienced in having sex for fun, or at least not as experienced as they are as professionals of the sex trade.”

I think this is a great point, NTC, and something that could apply to any number of sexual partner combinations. People are experienced at different things, and very often you’ll come across a new partner that’s more experienced at some acts, and less experienced at others. I like to think that this negotiation and learning process when discovering someone new is part of what makes sex fun, so try to not think of the situation you’re in now as anything different.  If you keep respectfulness, having fun and communicating openly at the top of your agenda, rather than your feelings of inexperience, I hope you’ll find that you and your partner will reach new heights together.

Hua Li,

Does anyone actually use condoms for oral sex?

Really Tho

My dear RT, I often wonder this myself, and I’d like to share with you an anecdote. A friend of a friend went for screening at Clinique L’Actuel and asked his doctor about this very thing, at which point the doctor told him that the idea that healthcare professionals expect people to use protection for oral sex is completely unrealistic. When I was told this story, I almost felt relieved that I wasn’t the only person that found the idea of flavored condoms somewhat insulting (I mean, if you like oral sex, you probably like the taste of genitals, and let’s be honest here, latex-y artificial banana flavor isn’t going sell anyone on safer oral anytime soon). Of course, immediately following this sense of relief, I was overcome by panic as news stories about super gonorrhea flooded my memory while I imagined countless penises going rouge down even more innumerable throats.

If you too, RT, are experiencing a mild panic attack thinking about all this, but, you’re still stubbornly opposed to picking up a pack of Coca-Cola condoms to sip on, try to be realistic about the risks you’re exposing yourself to when you have unsafe oral sex. Then try to mitigate those risks – for instance, you can have a conversation with your partner about the last time they were tested. Hopefully both of you get tested regularly! Hopefully both of you ask for throat swabs when you do get tested regularly! Maybe you both have just gotten your results and you’re both totally clean and you feel great about 69ing until you’re both half an hour late for work tomorrow morning. Then again, maybe you weren’t dealt such a great hand, but the two of you have discussed the specific risks that unprotected oral sex with each other will expose you to, and you’ve made an informed decision to perform or not perform certain acts. Maintaining honesty and openness regarding your sexual health and the sexual health of your partners is super sexy and will help your partners trust you, which is often even sexier.

[askhuali]

Ask Hua Li #7 - Of DP & Polyamory

Dear Hua Li,

I’ve been casually seeing a man for the past couple months and we have been exploring the bounds of each other’s sexual fantasies. Recently I revealed to him that I would really like to be double penetrated, and now it seems as though he’s started to try to get the ball rolling to make it happen, since we’ve already been in group sex scenarios without double penetration. Then, I was speaking to some friends about it and found out that they thought double penetration meant two penises in one vagina, but I think it means being penetrated in your vagina and anus at the same time. Now I’m confused and scared about the plans I have with my casual sex partner because I don’t think I can handle taking two pensises in my vagina, and I wonder if my fantasy is something people do at all. Moreover, the more I think about it, the more I wonder if I would be able to handle getting penetrated in my vagina and anus at the same time either!

Sincerely,

Double the Pleasure

Is 2014 the year of the DP? I feel like DPing has been coming up in my day-to-day conversations at much higher frequency than usual. I personally have always found double penetration (in any of its forms) a fascinating topic because I’m really interested in using sex to explore the limits of what our bodies are capable of. My fascination grew into borderline obsession when I watched a clip of Asa Akira talking about her first DP, in which she said, “I want to say it’s like having sex for the first time ever, but it’s not at all, because the first time I had sex it sucked, so it’s like having really good sex for the first time ever.” Naturally, then I watched the clip of her having her first DP, but that’s a story for another day.  

I will admit, DTP, that while there are several different definitions for what constitutes a DP, when I think DP, what comes to mind is simultaneous vagina and anus penetration, so I don’t think you need to fret about whether or not this is something that is practiced. Additionally, if you’re not comfortable with taking two penises in your vagina, I don’t see why you should have to. I would assume that if you and this casual partner of yours have been so comfortably exploring your sexual fantasies together, there should be a modicum of respect for one another’s boundaries and a level of openness in your conversations about those boundaries when a new scenario is put on the table. Sometimes the rules we set for ourselves are arbitrary, (especially in new sexual situations) but that doesn’t make them any less valid. Setting boundaries can often be about measuring your partner’s ability to respect those wishes, and in this way, feeling comfortable with telling your partner no can sometimes be the best way for the two of you to cultivate more closeness in your relationship.

Now that we’ve gotten the emotionally responsible stuff out of the way, I’d like to take a closer look at DP technique. I’d like to focus here specifically on simultaneous vagina/anus penetration because, well, firstly, I think those people who call simultaneous vagina/mouth or anus/mouth DPs are sensationalists, and secondly, I have invested considerably less personal time researching putting two penises or penis-like-things in any one of my holes. That being said, here are some things to consider when you are attempting your first vajayjay/bumhole DP experience:

• Please feel relaxed. As we saw in the very first Ask Hua Li, it’s especially important to feel aroused and comfortable when exploring anal play in order to avoid pain or any tearing of the rectum. Stimulation of the clitoris can often help this process. If your partner brings you to climax before you attempt to DP, that can also be a big help in feeling sexy, comfortable and accepting in the moment.

• Practice makes perfect. If you are at all nervous about whether or not you will be able to handle two real-life dicks that are attached to living, breathing people, don’t forget that sex toys are your friends. Have your partner penetrate you and use a dildo in the other hole. Don’t have your partner involved at all and get two dildos! A dildo and a butt plug! A butt plug and your fingers! I could go on… Get creative with your self-love-making sessions – if you’re into taking your body to new places in bed, experiment when you’re by yourself so that you can learn all about your body and how it responds to new situations.

• Sometimes order matters. This very well may be something you learn during one of your sex toy trial sessions, but you might find that getting into a comfortable DP works better when you start with one hole over another. I made an extensive poll of, well, just one other person, and I found that we were polarized over this issue, but both of us made interesting points. The argument for starting with the anus and adding vajayjay penetration is that once you’re in a position where your anal sex is feeling pretty good, sliding buddy number two into your conveniently self-lubricating hole made for taking dicks is a walk in the park. On the flip side, you might find that it’s easier for you to relax into anal penetration if you’re getting some wicked pussy stimulation.

So DTP, I wish you all the best in your sexual crusades. Remember always to respect the wishes of your body, even if that means pulling the plug on a situation that’s in motion. Consent has to be on going, especially when you’re dealing with a sex act that you’re interested in particularly because you think it will stretch your limits.

Dear Hua Li,

I’m a straight man nearing my thirties and I’ve recently started seeing a queer-identified woman whom I’m really into. I’m in a place where I would love to explore something more committed with her, but she has mentioned on more than one occasion that she is polyamorous. I’ve done some research into what this means, and I think it doesn’t preclude her from wanting to be in a committed relationship, but I’m not sure if I’m the type that’s willing to share. Where can I go from here?

Noli Me Tangere

First I’d like to say, nice Wyatt reference! Secondly, unfortunately, NMT, if you find that both you and your partner are not willing to compromise on your stances regarding monogamy/polyamory, then you might not have many options. Generally people that practice polyamory cultivate an attitude of acceptance towards their partners choices, even if that choice is to one day suddenly enter a monogamous relationship with someone else, because loving and respecting someone means loving and respecting whatever is best for them in the moment. Arguably the smartest person in #BenettonMob once put it to me this way: “Polyamory is the practice of waking up every day and making the conscious decision to choose your partner.” I think that’s super romantic, but for others, this level of potential instability is a real turn-off.

If you’re really serious about seeing where you can take this relationship, NMT, I would suggest having an open, honest discussion with your partner about how you feel. Tell her that you want to level up and see what her reaction is. Hopefully, as part of practicing polyamory, she will have developed some great communication skills and this conversation won’t be too painstakingly difficult. Judging from the fact that she’s expressed to you on more than one occasion that she is living a polyamorous lifestyle, it doesn’t seem as though she’s going to agree to wife it up any time soon, but it’s possible that in talking to her about it, you’ll understand more about where she’s coming from and you will be able to identify ways in which she can help you trust her and vice versa. Who knows, NMT, but if you feel strongly about this woman, it’s worth having the conversation.

[askhuali]

Ask Hua Li #6 - Getting Checked Out

Dear Hua Li,

I'm a 30-year-old guy who's done everything in his life with reckless abandon and a hunger to try more and more, putting myself in situations that make me uncomfortable and stretch the definitions of who I really am. Well, except in sex. I've been in two really long-term relationships that both didn't work out and our sex was mostly vanilla missionary affairs. Truth be told, I probably left my last relationship so I could be more sexually adventurous, but now I find myself looking like the old guy at the bar trolling for 22 year olds. Where do I begin if I have to start all over from the top so much later in my life? Bars? Ok Cupid? Tinder? How do people hook up in 2014? And am I right to fear that I'm gonna have to do awful porny things to earn my keep in a YouPorn world? Is it weird that I'm a male with this concern?

Old Dog, Technological Tricks

I visited my parents’ home over the holidays, and while I was there, I was talking to my father about a restaurant called Grinder that I had recently been taken to, and I commented that the entire experience was shrouded in hilarity for me because all I could think about was the restaurant being a physical representation of Grindr. It was a failure of a story because my father had no idea what Grindr was, which prompted me to get out my Hello Kitty-themed iPhone and show him (via Tinder) what a real-time hook-up app experience looks like. My dad’s reaction was something to the effect of, “Oh, that’s neat. You know, I have this really cool app called ‘Go Out and Meet People.’ It’s great because you can usually tell if you like them right away because you can talk to them and hear their voice, and get this, it’s also like a scratch-and-sniff!” So, ODTT, what did I learn from this experience, aside from the fact that I may have inherited my sense of sarcasm? Well, not much, but my point here is that there’s no one good way to meet people. Go to bars if you like going to bars. If you don’t like going to bars, don’t go there to meet people because then they’ll probably want to go to a bar someday, and you won’t, and that’ll suck for both of you. Keep an open-mind, be approachable, be yourself, go to places and events that you find interesting – those are the spaces where you’ll find yourself among like-minded people.

There was a time in my life where I looked down on online-dating as being created for socially backward people who couldn’t find love with conventional means. That was a very judgmental period of my life, but I do think that there has been an overall attitude shift when it comes to e-hookups as technology and our devices become more and more intertwined with our lives. At this point, pretty much everyone I know has some sort of dating/hook-up profile somewhere. I’ve had some personal experience with OkCupid and Tinder, and I would say that between the two my preference leans toward Tinder because I like how the app looks aesthetically (ie. it’s just pictures of people you could potentially have sex with), and I like that there is a built-in screening process in that both people have to indicate that they like each other before they can start chatting. That being said, our #BenettonMob sex shaman recently opened an OkCupid account saying, “Tinder is more immediate and serious. OKCupid allows you to be more insidious.” So you see, OCTT, the world of online hook-ups is just as rife with personal preference as IRL hook-ups.

As for your questions about our YouPorn world – I think pornography can be a great tool that allows people to explore their sexual fantasies, but I don’t think it should be used as a how-to guide. I mean, fantasy is the key word here, and the representations of what makes Sasha Grey have a great time are maybe not what get Sasha-From-Last-Weekend’s jets flowing. If you’re interested in broadening your horizons sexually, YouPorn might be a good place to see the extreme mélange of options available to you, but if you find yourself labeling something as an “awful porny thing,” that’s a good sign that that particular act isn’t for you. No one should be making you do anything you don’t want to do (unless you’re into that, in which case, no one should be making you do anything you don’t want to do outside of the realms and guidelines established for safe play).  Having boundaries is, I think, something that definitely transcends gender, so don’t worry, saying no is not going to make you less of a man, and getting in touch with your preferences will only make you a more evolved, sexy lover.

Hi Hua Li,

I’m in my early twenties, have been sexually active since I was seventeen, and have upped my sexual ante in the last couple years since moving to Montreal. I guess I consider myself a sexual person and I’m pretty proud of that, but I’m realizing I’ve been making some reckless choices. Despite generally having multiple partners, I often have unprotected sex, and I’ve never been tested for STIs before in my life. I’ve waited so long that now I’m really afraid of what I’ll find out, and I don’t even know where I go to get tested. Do I just go to a regular doctor? Do I have to get tested?

Sexual Health Virgin

Yes, SHV, you have to get tested. It’s ultimately disrespectful to all of your partners and yourself to not take care of your sexual health. It might seem daunting now, but the process is really not so bad, and the peace of mind you’ll get from finding out how your genitals are holding up will only make you feel sexier. It might comfort you to know that there seem to be a number of young people in your situation – I’ve taken several friends to get tested for their first time ever, or their first time in a long time. The longer you leave it, the scarier it gets, so you should just get in the habit of getting tested regularly, and take pride in the fact that once you do, you’ll be in the upper echelon of sex-positive people that are taking steps toward having sex ethically.

You can go to pretty much any GP to have testing done, and I recommend that if you’re nervous about the experience, you take a friend that you trust to go with you for support. That being said, there are better places to go for testing than others – I once had a terrible slut-shaming experience at a private walk-in clinic, for instance, so I would generally recommend going somewhere that often deals with sexual health. Head & Hands (http://headandhands.ca) is a favorite of mine – they are an anonymous youth clinic located in NDG, and service anyone under the age of twenty-five with or without a provincial health care card. They have clinics most Tuesday and Thursday evenings. Clinique L’Actuel (http://www.cliniquelactuel.com) also comes highly recommended, and they have an anonymous service through which you can notify your partners that they have been exposed to an STI if you test positive, which is pretty cool if you want to be really ethical, but also want to avoid the awkward phone calls. Similar to L’Actuel there are Clinique de l’Alternative (http://www.cliniquedelalternative.com/) and Clinique Quartier Latin (http://cliniquequartierlatin.com). The infectious disease and STI clinics at our city’s major hospitals (http://www.medicine.mcgill.ca/infectiousdisease/patientclinics.htm) are also worth checking out, and if none of these choices seem accessible to you, you can get tested at any CLSC in the city (http://www.santemontreal.qc.ca/en/chercher-une-adresse/#clsc).

I should also mention, SHV, that I strongly encourage you to brush up on your knowledge of methods for safer sex, and that you practice safer sex all the time, with all of your partners, and if you don’t, you should at the very least inform your partners that you haven’t been practicing safer sex so that they have an opportunity for well-informed risk assessment. It’s something that may be uncomfortable at first, but I hope you’ll find that in taking these precautions you will gain a new level of respect from your sexual partners. If you feel like you need to brush up on your knowledge, Head & Hands published a zine about STIs and safer sex with STIs called STIgma zine that is a great resource for everyone and you can check it out here: http://headandhands.ca/wp-content/uploads/2012/05/STIgma-Zine-complete.pdf.

[askhuali]

Ask Hua Li #5 - Hair & Labels

Dear Hua Li,

I am a gay-identified young man who has recently entered a new sexual relationship with a long-term crush of mine. We have amazing sexual chemistry and are very open-minded in terms of what we explore, but recently my new partner expressed some disdain for my lack of man-scaping. I’ve never thought much about my pubic hair, but my new partner has a preference for completely hairless genitals in his partners and for himself. Personally, I don’t particularly care much about the state of his pubic grooming, but the idea of removing all my pubic hair is terrifying to me. I don’t know where to start, and frankly, I’m not sure if I even want to. What can I do to assuage my partner’s desires? Do I have any choice but to take a Bic to my dick?

Best, Unabashedly Hirsute

Well, UH, I’d like to start off by saying that you always have a choice as to what you do with your own body. Allow me to assume, for a moment, that the reason you are experiencing anxiety and confusion about this has to do with the fact that your new partner happens to be a long-term crush, and as such, you likely are afraid of displeasing said partner because you totally bagged that cutie (congrats!) and now you’re trying to insulate yourself from the disappointment of rejection from someone you’ve been pursuing for some time. Personally, I’ve done some pretty outrageous things to stay out of the rejection-zone with partners that I’ve considered special in some way or another (and in all honesty, this probably shouldn’t be in the past-tense), but at a certain point, being comfortable with expressing yourself, your desires and your objections with vulnerability and honesty will be the only way for the two of you to evolve your relationship. I urge you to have a conversation with your partner about your thoughts on pubic hair and your anxieties toward grooming your pubic region. My guess is that you’ll find that he will be understanding of your situation, and if he isn’t, you should consider that perhaps this crush would be better suited for distant admiration, rather than close interchange.

I find the beauty standards that are centered around body hair fascinating, partly because culturally and historically, these standards have varied so much. While in today’s world, there seems to be an emphasis on less is better, in the 15th Century, hairless genitals were associated (especially among sex workers) with venereal disease (or, you know, what we now call STIs) and as such, they would wear merkins (um… what I guess I would describe as a wig for your junk) to enhance the attractiveness of their genitals. I was recently speaking to a woman who had just returned from an anthropological study of contemporary Congolese dance, and she described the beauty standards of body hair in women in the Congo included having hair under the chin, under the armpits and on the legs, but not on their whohoos, because they felt that it seemed cleanlier that way. Even if we are to look at the preferences of people a little closer to home, there seem to be quite the range of opinions. I conducted a super scientific poll of #BenettonMob associates of varying genders and sexual-identities, and here is what they had to say about their thoughts on pubic hair:

“Hair always. If there’s no hair then it’s like you’re sleeping with a toddler and that’s funny. By funny I mean gross.” “A little fluff is good, but not too much. My roommate doesn’t care, and she loves it when guys don’t care.” “I like all kinds as long as the woman in question is comfortable with herself and her body. When it comes to men, I think balls need to be shaved. A full bush is cool if you have curly pubic hair, but if it is straight, then it should be kept trimmed – neat like a beard. All off is weird unless he’s got killer abs and chest. But above all, men should take a bic to their balls.” “I can’t really say for men because of my almost gold star (what is that, like a bronze star?) but for women at this point it’s all just “do you” – like I appreciate when the situation is at least trimmed up and such, but hell, I still won’t hesitate if it’s all grown out bush either, TBH) [As an aside, this member of #BenettonMob and I later decided that she is probably a silver star, which is fitting, because she has more jewelry to accessorize with that anyway.]

“As long as I can still see the penis, I’m good.”

So, UH, as you can see, the opinions on the subject of pubic hair and grooming are hugely personal. Maybe when you have your chat with your partner about this, you can expose him to some of these varying opinions to help your cause. Ask him what it is in particular, that he finds objectionable about pubic hair, too, so that you can understand where he is coming from. Above all, remember that you shouldn’t feel forced to do anything with your body that you’re not comfortable with, and that an understanding partner should absolutely be okay with that.

Hi Hua Li,

I’m a woman in my twenties that mostly has sex with men, but I certainly also enjoy having sex with women. I don’t really actually identify as anything, and anytime I have sex with women I feel pressured by these women and my friends to identify as queer or bi-sexual, or something. Why do I have to define my sexuality if I want to eat pussy?

Thanks for your help, Frustrated and Bi-sexual?

Much in the same way I assume it’s a given that we should have dominion over what we do with our own bodies, I feel that individuals should have the capacity to identify (or not identify) as whichever type of sexuality they choose, regardless of whether or not others find that label pleasing, or whether or not that label already exists. As literary queer theory superhero, Eve Kosofsky Sedgwick says in the introduction to her Epistemology of the Closet:

“To alienate conclusively, definitionally, from anyone on any theoretical ground the authority to describe and name their own sexual desire is a terribly consequential seizure. In this century in which sexuality has been made expressive of the essence of both identity and knowledge, it may represent the most intimate violence possible.”

When people make the choice to identify their sexuality using certain words, they do so for a variety of reasons. For instance, I personally identify as queer as opposed to, say, bi-sexual, because of the politics associated with queer identity. I also find the term bi-sexual somewhat distasteful, for reasons that are not entirely concrete. (I think I mostly just don’t like the sound of the word. As a rapper/sex columnist, I believe I reserve the right to be judgmental toward certain words, as I don’t think they necessarily have feelings.) That being said, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with people that personally identify as being bi-sexual, I just wouldn’t choose it myself.

Your situation, AB, reminds me of something that recently happened to a friend of mine. She self-identifies as queer, and often also as a lesbian, and for a time, she had a long-term cis-gendered, biologically male sexual partner. Two of our friends pounced on her one day, saying to her, “I thought you were a lesbian! Then how come we heard you riding that dick last night?” This is pretty much a perfect example of how to not create a safe-space for your friends. Just because these ladies heard this particular woman riding a dick the previous night should certainly not allow them the opportunity bring up the validity of her lesbianism (I mean, how do we even measure such a thing that is as fluid as one��s sexual preferences?). These ladies justified their attack by saying that they were just confused, and wanted an answer. My feeling on this is, if you’re confused about the way someone else identifies, that’s your problem and you shouldn’t make it theirs. AB, I highly encourage you to identify your sexuality in any way you please. Change your identity daily! Make up a new sexual identify! Identify as identity-less! Do whatever you need to make yourself feel most comfortable in the way you express your sexual desires and tell your friends and lovers that pressure you otherwise to get a new hobby.

[askhuali]

Ask Hua Li #4 - Anonymous

Hi Hua Li!

I am a mostly heterosexual male who is quite sexually active and is still curious about female orgasms. I always make a point of ensuring that my lady partners have at least one orgasm at every sexual encounter (it seems only fair as men rarely go unsatisfied) although it's far easier for me to do so through cunnilingus and manual clitoral stimulation rather than vaginal intercourse. How would you compare the two and would you be dissatisfied if your partner was generally unable to give you vaginal orgasms while consistently bringing you to climax by stimulating the clitoris?

Sex Posi Vibes

I’d like to start off by saying that I think it’s fantastic that you and your partner are able to consistently achieve orgasm through clitoral stimulation. The female orgasm is such an elusive thing to so many people – did you know, SPV, that according to several surveys on the subject, only 25 percent of women always climax during sex with a partner? A quick survey of sexual and women’s health boards will yield leagues of women complaining about a lack of satisfactory orgasm, so it’s understandable why so many young men and women alike suffer from insecurities linked to the mysteries of the female orgasm.

The first thing we can do to clear the smoke a little is to consider, anatomically, just what’s going on down there. Generally the consensus seems to be that center of women’s sexual pleasure is the clitoris – that tiny bundle of joy at the top of the vulva, packed with 6000 to 8000 nerves endings (that’s as many as in a man’s entire penis!) – and many sexual health experts cite lack of continuous clitoral stimulation as a huge factor for women who are not achieving orgasm with their partners. The clitoris is really quite a spectacular thing when you start to break it down; the part of the clitoris that is visible to us is called the glans, and the glans is just the tiny tip of an earth-shattering pleasure iceberg.  The glans is connected to the body of the internal clitoris, and from the body extends two corpora cavernosa and two crura. These things are kind of like branches of potential pleasure reaching into the female body – when erect (which happens, just like the penis, upon arousal) the corpora cavernosa wrap around the sides of the vagina and the crura (which can extend up to 9 centimeters) point toward the spine. If this seems confusing to you, readers, please refer to this link (http://io9.com/5876335/until-2009-the-human-clitoris-was-an-absolute-mystery/1093115185) where all of this is described in detail alongside some fascinating illustrations.

There has been a considerable amount of debate in the medical community about whether or not the so-called vaginal orgasm even exists, with studies showing a very small percentage of women who report consistent orgasms from penetration and no external clitoral stimulation.  Ultimately, because women report a difference in sensation between the two, doctors generally seem to think there is a possibility for distinction between them, though no one really seems to know exactly that what might be. I’ve suffered some personal frustration wondering about vaginal orgasms, but once I fully understood the complexity of my clitoris, I laid off the anxiety and I would say that I’m generally a more orgasmic (and orgasm inducing) lady as a result. Lately, rather than creating a distinction in my head about clitoral vs vaginal orgasms, I’ve been thinking a lot more about those clitoris arms that extend though a woman’s body and how nice it is for everyone when you can tickle those corpora cavernosa into holding on for a nice, long, trembling hug. I think the best policy when it comes to highly orgasmic sex, is to leave all your insecurities and expectations at the door, and really try to cultivate a sense of intimacy and trust with your partner. If you’re not focused on making anything specific happen, and instead you’re focusing on communicating with your partner through sexual intimacy, you might find that both of you will discover new pinnacles of pleasure.

Dear Hua Li,

I really like having anonymous sex. Recently after having a arrived at a stranger’s house with plans to fuck him, I found him in the living room on all fours, and next to him, sitting on a couch was another man holding a leash attached to the first man. It didn’t really bother me, so I got down to performing, and while I was having sex with floor dude, I looked toward the man on the couch watching us, and realized that on the ground next to him was a green tote bag from my place of work. We use these tote bags as a promotional tool, but we’re not a store or anything like that, so generally you have to be given one by someone that works there.  Often when I’m going to meet a stranger for anonymous sex, I’ll wear a baseball cap pulled over my eyes, because I like to seem a little mysterious and menacing, so I don’t think either of these two men necessarily got a good look at my face. Ever since this encounter, I’ve noticed a co-worker at the office that I don’t see around often, and he looks a lot like the man from the couch. My question is, do you think I should find out if it’s the same person? Is there a good way to ask someone whether they took part in a strange threesome with you?

Work and Play

Full disclosure, WAP, the only time I’ve ever worked in an office setting, I was fifteen and I was a summer intern, but the impression that I still have about offices is that often it’s really complicated to hook up with people that you work with because of guidelines surrounding sexual harassment and the complexities of interpersonal relationships as soon as work and sex are combined. I suppose my question to you in this case is, why do you need to know? I would say one of the most exciting components to having anonymous sex is the anonymity, and by extension, the ability to shed any baggage that you might associate with your identity. It’s about the freedom and fantasy that a consensual random sexual experience can bring to the parties involved. You seem like a pretty open-minded person when it comes to sex, but what if scenarios like the one you’ve described are couch man’s only outlet for his dominating-voyeur side? I would err on the side of respectful caution in this case, since it seems like what everyone consented to was a surreal, isolated sexual encounter, and not an ongoing-at-work discussion about what happened. It seems as though you’re well aware of the eroticism in a little bit of secrecy, so consider the option of enjoying the tease of the mystery of whether or not your co-worker held a leash attached to someone you were having sex with. Who knows, hopefully it can bring an extra sparkle of stimulation to your workday.

[askhuali]

Ask Hua Li #3 - Genital Cuddling

Hi Hua Li,

I'm a grad student and quite busy. I don't have a bf (btw, I'm a woman) and neither an f-buddy. I used to be quite wild back few years ago but since I came to Montreal my sex life seems to have vanished away. I sometimes wonder if it's me, or it's the city. Is there any place, like a bar or club or whatever, to meet some people for casual dating at least? I find guys so shy here and I think they're sort of afraid to approach girls. I heard it's because they find Quebecois girls so aggressive. Don't know how much it is true but I've heard it from several people. Anyways, can you tell me where I should go? What should I do? I feel so odd asking this!

Artemis

I’d like to start by saying, in the kindest way possible, that it’s definitely not Montreal. I’m not saying that it’s you, either, dear Artemis, but, well, let’s talk for a minute about what I think makes Montreal an especially unique place: it’s a hugely transient city. It’s a university town, it’s an artist haven, it’s freezing cold in the winters and the best place in the world in the summers, and that all adds up to a huge number of people that come and go. Anyone I know that’s lived in Montreal for a few years has had to say their fair share of goodbyes, and so I think one of the marks of a true Montrealer is the ability to understand that as the best people in your life come and go, so do all the best things in life.  It’s that particular Montreal joie de vivre that I think gives way to a general sense of openness and acceptance that’s necessary for an environment where non-traditional relationship models are embraced and explored and hook-up culture ain’t no thang.

One thing I hope to avoid in this column is the proliferation of “dating techniques;” I don’t believe there is any consistently successful way to meet people you’re interested in sexing up. I was talking to an associate of #BenettonMob, whom we affectionately refer to as The Sex Shaman, about pick-up artists the other day and he sagely said, “I don’t see how trying to follow the instructions in a book is easier than just being yourself.” I like to think of meeting people as an exercise in risk-taking; it’s much easier to assess the risks in something physically tangible, like giving a blowjob without using a condom (and people take that risk all the time, like throat gonorrhea doesn’t even exist!) but it seems to be a lot more difficult for us to evaluate emotional risks, like coming onto someone and being rejected (which people hate, but is likely much less unpleasant than throat gonorrhea). I’m not going to tell you which bars in the city are the best for hook ups, or which iPhone apps will help you find the hottest people, but I will tell you that if you’re feeling like you’re not getting the sort of attention you want from people you want to hook up with, maybe you should give them some attention first and see how they respond. Maybe you’ll ask to go out for a drink another night and they’ll totally blow you off, and maybe you’ll be hurt for a while, but I mean, that dude was a stranger anyway, so how bad is it really?

In all my years in Montreal, I’ve heard a lot of people complain about the men in our city. While I’ve never heard of aggressiveness in Quebecois women being cited as a complaint (which, for the record, I think is a strange, truth-less generalization), I think mostly people say that because there is a 2-1 ratio of women to men in this city, guys get to have the first pick. This population statistic is so widely quoted, that I don’t think anyone has ever bothered to confirm its authenticity. (According to the 2006 Census men are at 48% of the population with women at 51%.) Beyond it’s general falsity, I think this statistical superstition we Montrealers have is a problem because it allows us to generalize about the people we are going to be potentially hooking up with. Just like how I hate it when guys tell me that they love Asian girls like I’m definitely going to fulfill their racial fetish because I have pretty slanty eyes, I imagine the men you’re interested in don’t necessarily want to be assumed as too shy, or too overwhelmed by selection to approach you. I think the most important thing to remember when you’re going out and meeting new people is to keep an open mind about them and get to know them as a individual without any preconceived assumptions you might have about them based on gender or what they’re wearing or where you meet them. Having a friendly, confident and accepting energy about you when you’re out in the world is pretty attractive, and I hope you’ll find that if you can go about your day with the openness of meeting interesting people, you’ll find that you’ll start meeting them everywhere.

Dear Hua Li, I live with my boyfriend, and lately, because we always sleep spooning, he’s been putting his penis inside me and we fall asleep that way every night, even if we don’t have sex. Is that really weird? Is it unhealthy?

Sleepless in Montreal Well, SIM, let me tell you a little personal story. I love cuddling. I used to think I might be a sex addict, but when I took a look at my life and the number of times I had great sex that was motivated by a desire to cuddle and say silly-dopamine-oxytocin-brain-flooded-things to my partner, I had to consider that maybe my sex addiction was a cuddling addiction. Naturally, anytime I have a committed partner in my life there needs to be great cuddling chemistry which allows for all night cuddles where even when you’re asleep you somehow adjust to each other and keep on cuddling so that when you wake up you can jump right into lucid cuddling or morning sex. Of course, just like sex, sometimes you need to spice up your cuddling life, so there came a point in my time with one of my exes that when we were too tired to have sex, sometimes he’d put his penis in my vajayjay and we’d fall asleep that way. I’d feel his erection slowly softening inside me and think about the cool cuddle our genitals were having. So, in answer to your questions; is it weird? Maybe, I guess it depends on whom you’re asking. Some people would say that sharing intimate details about how I think genital cuddling is a thing people can do is pretty weird. Ultimately, if you and your partner are happy with your sleep-routine, it doesn’t really matter what anyone else thinks unless you’re enlisting them to sleep-time-genital-cuddle with you guys. And is it unhealthy? I don’t see why it would be, since penises are totally made to go inside vaginas. (But I’m just a rapper, not a doctor.) I would say that if you’re worried, just make sure you both keep your bits clean so that any scary UTI (or similar) causing bacteria are less likely to go on Spring Break party binge in your warm, cozy genital cuddle.

[askhuali]

Ask Hua Li #2 - Started From the Bottom

Wow guys, what an overwhelming response from all of you! Your questions these past two weeks have been endless and interesting and I’m really excited about all of the dimly-lit corners this column is going to help us explore. That being said, I really wanted to take a full disclosure moment to say that while I will be trying to answer any and all of your sex questions, I might not get to everyone every time. Think of it as a tease, because if your question isn’t at least generally covered in one of my answers I’ll get to it in the coming weeks. Now that that’s out of the way, let’s get to the good stuff…

Hey Hua Li! My boyfriend and I are interested in experimenting with more ass play. On him. Any tips on how to find and stroke a man's prostate? Are the urban myths true - prostate stimulation might give him a more satisfying/more explosive orgasm? If so - I find this potentially worrisome. Could this upstage my vagina?

I was very happy to receive several questions from hetero-identified couples about this very subject. Montreal, you certainly want to get intimate with each other’s bum holes, don’t you now?

First, let’s talk about what the prostate is, since, admittedly, I hadn’t really thought much about it biologically until very recently (so forgive me, readers, if this is a little basic.) Turns out the male prostate, located between the bladder and the penis in close proximity to the anal canal, makes a fluid right before ejaculation to protect semen and help them travel further. While we frequently associate prostate stimulation with anal play, sometimes the prostate can also be stimulated externally, so if you and your partner want, you can start exploring prostate stimulation by rubbing, stroking or pressing his perineum. As with any time you and your partner are trying something new sexually, you should make an effort to be extra communicative about what feels good for each other.

When you’re ready to dive into anal play, remember that it’s a great idea for both of you to feel comfortable and relaxed (it might be interesting for you to know that there are actually two sphincters in everyone’s anal canal – the external sphinctus and the internal sphinctus. We have some control over the muscular action of the external sphinctus, but its buddy moves completely involuntarily, so being relaxed is key.) You definitely want to minimize any tearing of the thin lining of the rectum. Start slowly, and make sure you’ve got some of your favourite water-based lube on hand. Don’t be shy about exploring different positions to allow for easier or more comfortable access. Encourage your partner to talk to you about what sensations he’s feeling, because that’s hot, and is great information for you to have when you’re looking for a prostate. It’s often described as a round ball of tissue about an inch inside the rectum, toward the front side of his body, but everyone is different, so use your instincts, talk to each other and maintain a good read on your partner.

To answer the second part of your question, I’d like to quote from a question submitted this week under the alias, Anal Obsessed Straight Dude. He described his first anal play experience like this: “I proceeded to have the most intense, hour long orgasm experience of my life. I was really not expecting it to be so insanely good. It felt as though I had unlocked some sort of secret sacred sexual energy in myself.” I’m not about to let AOSD speak for all men out there, but yeah, I’ve heard prostate stimulation is pretty great. This leads me to your final question. Will it upstage your vagina? Maybe, but I don’t see why it would. It’s kind of like this – when you’re a kid, and you’ve only ever made-out with your partner, making out is completely the bee’s knees. But then one day, you totally give each other hand jobs! Then hand jobs become the bee’s knees, but that doesn’t mean you stop making out, because making out is still awesome. If you and your boyfriend are already having fun sex together, changing up your routine and adding some tricks to your repertoire will only make the overall experience more fun.

I wanted to add a bit of an aside – I received several questions from men wanting to know the best way to brooch the topic of anal play with their female partners this week.  This is a little tricky, since everyone has different comfort levels, but I like to think that if you’re engaging in an ongoing sexual relationship with someone, you should be at least comfortable enough to talk about your desires without fear of being shamed. The worst that can happen is that your partner won’t be into the idea, and that’s some pretty good information to have if you’re really interested in exploring something sexually. Ultimately, I don’t think anal play is nearly as taboo as a lot of people make it out to be, so don’t be shy, and please, if you and your female partners are having great sex, you shouldn’t be worried if she’ll think you’re gay just because you want some fingers or some anal beads in your bum hole.

Hi Hua Li!

So while reading your introduction to Midnight Poutine (whose cred was only tarnished by the lack of a sex column!), I thought I read "ethnics of sex" rather than your intended "ethics of sex". Call it a Freudian slip if you will, I quickly re-read it and realized my mistake. But it got me wondering, what do you think, or rather, what is your experience with the "ethnics" of sex? Being a Montreal-born white francophone, I can't say I have mixed and matched much, but not from lack of opportunity or interest, mainly happenstance. So I'm curious if you have any experience in this regard and would be willing to share it from your perspective. Thanks, and I wish you fun and sexy times on your MP adventure!

Questions along the lines of this one also came up a lot this week. Apparently if I’m not going to publish a list of my past lovers, everyone in Montreal wants to know at least what colours were on that list. I guess I’m asking for it, spouting off about #BenettonMob all the time. To the point of my own experiences, I’ll say that I’ve certainly had some racially diverse partners, but I wouldn’t say that someone’s racial background factors into my sexual preferences. To expand, I don’t believe race should factor in people’s preferences. Allow me to quote from #BenettonMob cohort, Kim Ninkuru’s blog:

“First of all, can I ask you what you mean when you say “I’m into black guys”? What exactly do black guys, AS A WHOLE ENTIRE COMMUNITY, do that attracts you to them? What is the common trait that defines ALL BLACK GUYS to arouse you? I’ll tell you what: nothing. There is no single thing that black guys do that make them sexually attractive solely based on the color of their skin. When a guy finds in himself the audacity to open/pursue/close a verbal interaction with that statement, I hear a loud alarm and their head becomes a huge red sign reading: “White supremacy complex”.” Sexual racial stereotyping is something that in #BenettonMob, as a group of mostly queer, mostly POC young people, we talk about all the time. We get into the details of how people perceive my sexuality as an Asian woman differently than they would say, my best friend, as a black woman, and we’ll analyze things like how people approach us. When dealing with people operating in a white-dominated, hetero-normative context, sexual racial stereotyping comes up all the time. Often it’s subtle, but other times it’s not, like when a much younger, less experienced me had to break up with a boy that told me he was disappointed in me because he thought Asian girls were supposed to listen to their partners. Ultimately, I feel that people who fetishize others based on their race are bound to be consistently disappointed when their racially motivated expectations turn out not to be true.

That being said Mr/s. Ethnics of Sex, I’m certainly not accusing you of any of this. Your question just got me thinking about this stuff, and I couldn’t help but delve into it. My advice to you as a white, Francophone Montrealer is to be respectful and considerate with all your partners regardless of their racial background. When you choose your partners, I hope you do so considering what it is about them individually that makes you attracted to them and I encourage you celebrate your uniqueness together, free of expectations based on any stereotypes, whether they are focused on race, sexuality, gender, or really, anything else.