aspeckofdustinagiantseye

[aspeckofdustinagiantseye]

Fair warning- This is a sad song.

Dear Boston

I remember a warm, sunny day in October-

I was still crashing on couch cushions on the living room floor of one of the pastry chefs at the hotel I loved and worked for. Because I desperately wanted to live in Boston, I accepted any work the hotel I interned for  had for me so that I could be in the city as much as possible. During the week, I was working the overnight shift where I would cut fruit and breakfast potatoes all night and make pizza for In Room Dining and cry and respond to what seemed like every single Craigslist studio apartment ad that was posted. This carried on for months. It made me actually insane. But it worked. 

Anyway, I had just left a shift at my first job and was walking across that bridge that  connects Seaport to the Financial District to work that overnight and I got the call that our lease had been approved,

and that meant that weekend I was finally moving to Boston and getting to live in my own place with someone I was in biiiig love with and I just smiled. 

I was exhausted, I had just filed a restraining order the day before, life was chaos, and it was sunny and warm outside and I smiled. I had no money, no credit, I was in love, had a place to live in the city with my name on it and I smiled. 

Frankly, I don’t remember ever feeling that pure happiness since. 

Dear Boston, This is a sad song. 

I came here so ambitious, driven, and hopeful. I wouldn’t say the city took that from me necessarily, more so Boston beat the piss out of every molecule of serotonin my brain could muster and basically said “you better like working and drinking alcohol chic, this place is torture.” Just when you think things are going to get better, the T breaks down 

This place, unbeknownst to me when I arrived, was never going to be my home. 

But damn I wished it was! When I got to RI I thought I was invincible! Spoiler, nearly 10 years later, I’m not. I was so confident when I got here. I felt so accomplished to FINALLY make it to the big city. Life crushed me. 

Even way back, It was so 

I hard to get from WV to RI for culinary school! Almost couldn’t afford the moving truck - you better believe I was ready to show up empty handed. 

I attended both days of freshmen orientation, toured five apartments, and signed a lease within those two days to make it happen- by myself and with a 612 credit score at 20 years old. Impossible. 

I did that. 

And then surprisingly(mostly to me) - I excelled in culinary school and had an incredible time- even though all the professors said I wouldn’t. Had to figure out an internship in one week after the school messed up my registration. During which I fell in love and I never looked back. 

Nearly seven years later I’m leaving and it’s like a sigh of relief. 

Don’t worry- I don’t expect life to get any better but let bygones be bygones, ya know? 

I’m hardened from all the life lessons. 

Am I wiser? Absolutely not, thank god. 

My nerves are wrecked. lol. I cannot wait to no longer rely on cooking for income. 

[aspeckofdustinagiantseye]

Dear Boston

It might not look this way, but I am 99% heartbroken to leave you. 

I feel so heavy hearted to leave my job, I can’t explain it-  I love those assholes.

At the same time, I feel like that’s all I’ve ever had in Boston -  A great job.

In a way I feel like I grew up here, when I look back -I was so immature.

All I cared about was moving to the big city and being accepted by the people around me.

I’ve met so many great cooks and colleagues-they became family. 

I was so thrilled to arrive that it overshadowed the intense struggle to move here, I was so elated to finally make it happen. I was full-time at the job of my dreams, I was on-call at a hotel that paid me a lot of money-  and I helped out with a catering company every moment I could.

It didn’t hurt that I nearly immediately fell in love. 

I can’t pinpoint when things turned sour, but they did- and despite every effort,  anything and everything, It’s time to go. 

Have you ever been in a perfect situation, that it felt like 2% off, easy fix - but you just couldn’t get it? Yeah. 

I stopped being able to visualize my future, I lost myself and what I truly wanted, and was putting all my effort into just making it though day by day, night by night, service by service. 

Why don’t they recognize me? Why doesn’t he love me?

No one was complaining but me. 

Is it just me? Is it my fault? What can I do better? Why do they hate me? Do they even think of me at all?

Turns out, I care way too much. Most of them didn’t care at all. 

There’s a moment in time when every place has felt this way.

Iowa, Colorado,  Florida,  West Virginia, Rhode Island, Boston. 

Please!!

What makes people decide a place is their home? What makes you want to stay?  How do you forsake the possibilities? Is it just me?

This is dramatic - 

I don’t know why I feel the need to write something, In a way I feel like I should say goodbye. 

Funny enough, of all the places I’ve lived, Iowa is the most heaven-like of them all.  Probably because that’s home.

It’s hard to know I can never live there again. I can - but I can’t. It’s hard to describe.  I wish the geography of the world was differnt. 

I’m grateful to be raised in a place where you don’t need to lock your front door, or worry about a flat tire or running out of gas, but it definitly didn’t prepare me for the harshness of … everywhere else. lol 

Growing up in Iowa led me to believe that all humans are trustworthy, later on it also helped me to identify the ones that are not. 

So! I’m moving to NYC, why do I feel like someone I loved died?

Maybe it’s just who I briefly envisioned myself to be. 

But man, why is the excitment dulled by heartbreak?

Will I ever find The place? Does it exist?

Is anyone eyeing tuning in to this shit show?

Sigh/

[aspeckofdustinagiantseye]

Should I write you something?

I know it wont mean a thing to you after I am gone. 

I used to be very puzzled yet I admired your strength when you never really showed emotion about your marriage  ending when I met you..

Even when we got caught in the back seat of your car, you were so calm and just accepting. To this day I don’t believe I’ver ever seen you give a strong reaction to anything besides anger towards video games.

Dear Rich, I fell madly in love with you the moment I saw you.

I think that’s why it is so hard to walk away. I’ve been in love before, but never have I saw someone from across the room and thought, wow - I want to know that person. You might think the first time we spoke was during the outdoor party for $3,000. But I distinctly remember getting ready to pull out the hot plates in the World Trade Center Hall and seeing you from across the way and being mesmerized  to the point that Miro noticed and without me asking - telling me that you are Chef Rich and a very good guy and very strong.

That night we went out to the bar. That night we kissed and had sex.

I know it was a drunken mishap - but how can you not call that fate?

I am so attracted and infatuated with you, Rich.

I never cared if you were 900lbs or 200. You’re the best thing I’ve ever laid eyes on.

I know I’ve been a terror. I know that it’s been hell watching me go from 22 years old to 30.

All I can say is thank you. Thank you for not letting me die. Thank you for the multiple life lessons.

From the bottom of my heart I wish that we could have grown together, instead of growing apart.

I know that I love you.

I know that someone else will love you better. I don’t want them to.

I know that you will have nightmares, and horror stories about me, 

It makes me cry -

I hope you remember the sweetness, too.

I loved you. 

You healed me in your commitment to kindness.

I didn’t always deserve it, but you gave it anyway.

I hope that you recognize that the love was real; None of any of it would have happened it I didn’t believe in the feeling you gave me 1000%.

Thank you.

I want you to know- I will always think of you every day the rest of my life.

The love was real. The love was real. The love was real.

Goodbye, baby.