astersventaccount

[astersventaccount]

I have this horrible feeling in my chest and my throat

[astersventaccount]

Got into an argument with my mom:(

[astersventaccount]

we have to put my cat down tomorrow. She’s really old and has had a good life, but I’m still sad.

[astersventaccount]

I think I was wrong. Not in what I’m actually experiencing, but with how I worded it. Even then, the problem isn’t with the words themselves, it’s with what the words made people think. I’m just tired and confused and feeling like no one perceives me correctly

[astersventaccount]

I feel. Very stupid

[astersventaccount]

I’m supposed to protect us

[astersventaccount]

They don’t want me anymore I’m just a stupid kid they’ve outgrown me I’m just a kid and nobody wants me there anymore

[astersventaccount]

Next person to tell me that I’m a plural based on one random comment I made shall die by my blade

[astersventaccount]

I am a child’s drawing, made crudely, color spilling out of the lines. Nothing where it should be, where it’s supposed to be, where it was meant to be. I try desperately fill in the blanks within the lines, but I can’t color right. I wasn’t taught to, and now it’s too late to learn. I try to erase the blotches, carelessly placed without regard to where they should be, but try as I might, I can’t remove the stain.

[astersventaccount]

I can’t tell if it’s intrusive thoughts I’m having or an actual desire to hurt myself. Maybe a bit of both?

[astersventaccount]

This is so stupid why did I get trigged over a drawing. It’s literally just some red pixels whywhywhy

[astersventaccount]

Sometimes I don’t think I have trauma but then I remember that I literally have memories so traumatic that I have completely repressed them. Then I start freaking out about how I’ve repressed them, and that doesn’t end well for anyone

[astersventaccount]

Turns out skipping my vaccines this year was. Not a good idea

[astersventaccount]

Can you trust someone, and still be afraid of them? Can you want someone to hold you so badly but still flinch when you’re touched? I hate myself for being afraid. They’ve done nothing wrong, they’ve never hurt me, so why do I think they will? Don’t I trust them? I think I trust them, but they way I act if they move to quickly or their tone of voice is slightly different or they say specific words seems to contradict that. What does it say about us that I don’t trust them? I hate myself for being afraid.

[astersventaccount]

I hauve covid : (

[astersventaccount]

I don’t think that there is a “we”, but saying there is helps me feel comforted and loved and it doesn’t hurt anyone, so I think I’ll keep doing it.

[astersventaccount]

Okay, I won’t do that, that’s mean

letting myself be a little bit evil. As a treat.