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Goddammit Jimmy.

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i’m so entertained scrolling through your blog, your ranchers ramble from session 5 is everything to me ANDJSJ i love how normal about them you are /lh /pos

Thank you, thank you! I am so incredibly normal about these silly block men as you can see by the essay I spent two hours writing about them. Glad you like my blog! Hopefully I get to talk about more (Jimmy please don't die next session while Tango's gone)

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Now, here's my conclusion of what the Team Rancher dynamic currently is:

I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA.

MESSY AND FRUITY AND ?!?!?!?!?? IS THE VIBE

Jimmy has absolutely gone off the rails and has beef with the Heart Foundation, but a part of him still has a soft spot for his rancher in his own insane way. Meanwhile, Tango is conflicted as hell. On one hand, he is loyal to a fault when it comes to Skizz. However, he definitely also has a soft spot for Jimmy. Tango will protect Skizz, but will he kill Jimmy to protect Skizz? GREAT QUESTION. MOVING ON.

Changing the topic, lemme just remind y'all of something. Tango is one hell of a bastard when it comes to grudges. My mans does not let shit go. We saw that with Bdubs and we saw that with Martyn. Tango is also petty as hell when it comes to enemies of his allied group. Jimmy has attacked Tango twice, once right after he said he wasn't going to. Jimmy is also THE HEART FOUNDATIONS #1 ENEMY LIKE HE TERRORIZED THEM THIS ENTIRE SESSION. Knowing all that, and knowing how Tango is, he should be absolutely PISSED at Jimmy. He should hate him. He should feel betrayed. Yet, at the end of the session, he sacrifices ten hearts to help Jimmy.

Jimmy is on red and Tango is on green and they are meant to be enemies but they sure as hell don't act that way and they hurt each other and they love each other and they are soulmates and they are ranchers.

They are doomed to fall in love and destined for tragedy yet again.

Let's see how long they last this time.

Hello, welcome to my rancher talk

So, Jimmy has decided to be the most unhinged he has ever been in this entire series. Kay, cool, love that for him. BUT THEN HE JUST DECIDES TO TARGET THE HEART FOUNDATION BUT NOT TANGO?!?! LIKE SIR DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE IMPACT THIS IS GONNA HAVE ON HOW I VIEW AND INTERPRET YOUR CHARACTER IN THIS SERIES

And then Tango is just gonna FEED INTO THAT AS WELL I GUESS

HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE NORMAL

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Some minor stuff scattered about that I would like to mention as well

THESE FUCKERS ARE CONSTANTLY GIGGLING THROUGHOUT ALL OF THIS, THEY ARE BEING SO SILLY

Jimmy really wasn't targeting Tango. When he was trying to do his first task his target was Skizz. When he was trying to break up the Heart Foundation his target was BigB. When he saw the Heart Foundation climbing up a tall tower like idiots, he specifically called out Skizz. When he was setting traps for people, he targeted BigB. Whenever he was doing the fighting-flirting-for-fucks-sake-what-is-this shit with Tango it happened completely by chance. He was not trying to seek out and specifically target Tango.

Speaking of Jimmy accidentally crossing paths with Tango, when would see Tango he would just focus in on him. Like at the Mounders' base, Tango was with Etho and Bdubs but Jimmy ignored both of them and just started gunning it for Tango. He didn't even turn to look at Etho until Tango mentioned him.

Back to the topic of breaking up the Heart Foundation, Tango was wary of Jimmy BUT ALSO HE WAS JUST SO DOWN TO GET BIGB BECAUSE JIMMY SAID SO AND LIKE TANGO LITERALLY SAID HE DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THEY WERE ACCUSING BIGB OF HE WAS JUST AGREEING WITH JIMMY

Hello, welcome to my rancher talk

So, Jimmy has decided to be the most unhinged he has ever been in this entire series. Kay, cool, love that for him. BUT THEN HE JUST DECIDES TO TARGET THE HEART FOUNDATION BUT NOT TANGO?!?! LIKE SIR DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE IMPACT THIS IS GONNA HAVE ON HOW I VIEW AND INTERPRET YOUR CHARACTER IN THIS SERIES

And then Tango is just gonna FEED INTO THAT AS WELL I GUESS

HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE NORMAL

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And then we have

"I like seeing Tango's reaction when he sees me. It's nice, it's nice. He makes these weird sounds. I like it."

I don't know about you BUT THAT SHIT IS SUS AS HELL. Like even if it wasn't, still, HUH?!?!? HELLO?!?!?! WHAT IS THAT SHIT?!?!?!?!?!

And then afterwards, Tango hits Jimmy. And then Jimmy tells Tango he has to do something for him. He lights a piece of TNT and tells Tango that he has to get hit by it.

AND THEN TANGO DOES??!?!! HE LET'S HIMSELF TAKE A SHIT TON OF DAMAGE?!?!

FOR JIMMY. LITERALLY JUST FOR JIMMY. THERE IS NO OTHER ANSWER, HE DID IT FOR JIMMY.

He straight up tells Jimmy to go complete his task afterwards, TANGO KNEW JIMMY WAS TRYING TO COMPLETE A TASK AND SO HE WILLINGLY TOOK DAMAGE TO HELP HIM

A BUNCH OF PEOPLE ARE SAYING THE RANCHERS ARE ENEMIES NOW BUT YOU DON'T DO THAT SHIT FOR ENEMIES

TANGO EVEN FOLLOWS JIMMY TO THE SECRET KEEPER AND ONLY LEAVES WHEN JIMMY WARNS TANGO THAT HE WILL GO AFTER HIM IF HE GETS ANOTHER PIECE OF TNT

LIKE C'MON WHAT IS THAT WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THIS

Hello, welcome to my rancher talk

So, Jimmy has decided to be the most unhinged he has ever been in this entire series. Kay, cool, love that for him. BUT THEN HE JUST DECIDES TO TARGET THE HEART FOUNDATION BUT NOT TANGO?!?! LIKE SIR DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE IMPACT THIS IS GONNA HAVE ON HOW I VIEW AND INTERPRET YOUR CHARACTER IN THIS SERIES

And then Tango is just gonna FEED INTO THAT AS WELL I GUESS

HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE NORMAL

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Now let me specify that I will now be talking about characters. The events of this session of Secret Life will now be interpreted into the funky little narrative in my brain. Enjoy seeing me dive off the deep end and never resurface.

Ahem.

So, Jimmy is bloodthirsty as hell. He is fucking deranged. Tango knows this and is terrified of this.

Jimmy: I wouldn't chop you *immediately chops Tango*

But Tango still doesn't run away? He engages in conversation?? He taunts him?!?!

Jimmy: Was that a hard hit?

Tango: What? No, it was nothing. I kinda expected more, it was a little disappointing.

Jimmy: Oh really?

Tango: Yeah.

Jimmy: Oh really.

Tango: Yeah, c'mon, whatcha got?

UMMMMMMMMM HELLO?????? GAY?!?!? FLIRTING?!?!?! THEY FOUGHT AND THERE WERE SWORDS IN THEIR HANDS DOES THAT COUNT AS HOMOEROTIC SWORD FIGHTING?????

Tango does run away after a bit more back and forth, but like he's so casual about it? My man ain't scared at all he turned the whole ass opposite direction HE DID NOT LOOK BEHIND HIM TO SEE IF JIMMY WAS GONNA ATTACK HIM AGAIN. I'M SO SANE ABOUT THIS.

Hello, welcome to my rancher talk

So, Jimmy has decided to be the most unhinged he has ever been in this entire series. Kay, cool, love that for him. BUT THEN HE JUST DECIDES TO TARGET THE HEART FOUNDATION BUT NOT TANGO?!?! LIKE SIR DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE IMPACT THIS IS GONNA HAVE ON HOW I VIEW AND INTERPRET YOUR CHARACTER IN THIS SERIES

And then Tango is just gonna FEED INTO THAT AS WELL I GUESS

HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE NORMAL

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Hello, welcome to my rancher talk

So, Jimmy has decided to be the most unhinged he has ever been in this entire series. Kay, cool, love that for him. BUT THEN HE JUST DECIDES TO TARGET THE HEART FOUNDATION BUT NOT TANGO?!?! LIKE SIR DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE IMPACT THIS IS GONNA HAVE ON HOW I VIEW AND INTERPRET YOUR CHARACTER IN THIS SERIES

And then Tango is just gonna FEED INTO THAT AS WELL I GUESS

HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE NORMAL

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Howdy y'all, it's been a hot second but uh there are more important matters to discuss like-

WHAT THE FUCK WAS UP WITH THE RANCHERS THIS SESSION LIKE HELLO I AM LOSING MY MIND WHAT THE FUCK I LOOK AWAY FOR TWO SECONDS AND THEY DROP A WHOLE NEW FLAVOR TO THE RANCHER BRAINROT I AM NOT OKAY I AM SO NOT OKAY I NEED TO WRITE ABOUT THIS SHIT

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hell hath no fury like a rancher whose entire fucking house burnt down

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tfw Your sire brothers promise to help you hunt but you somehow end up with a simp instead.

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A quiet moment after respawn. Maybe this soulmate thing isn't so bad.

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Day ???: The ranchers have a getaway by a lake. Out here there's nothing to worry about...

An apocalypse ranchers page I decided against making official, but I love it.

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A quiet moment after respawn. Maybe this soulmate thing isn't so bad.

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Time's Ticking⏳🩸

WHOOOOOOO Team Ties Tango!!! *CARS CRASHING* [SIREN SOUND] "MY LEG!" [SCREAMING] *EXPLOSIONS*

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how dare you combine my childhood fixation with my current fixation and how dare you do it so well

love your designs for everyone, scar especially looks hilariously unhinged, and then the relationships are mwah like look at tango over there with three men after him and his feral wet cat charm

Working on a Life Series Warrior cats AU don't mind me

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NEW TEAM RANCHER FIC HAS BEEN DROPPED, ENJOY

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The Winner Takes It All is a c!Jimmy song

Alone Again (Naturally) is a c!Tango song

Somewhere Only We Know is a Team Rancher song

that is all.