astridhelflauer

[astridhelflauer]

This is going to be a mildly emotional and very honest post so forewarning.

For years, I have struggled with weight, self esteem and self worth. I was always shown/taught that being thin was the best thing that a woman could be and when I was a girl and a teenager I was skinny but when I hit my 20's I gained weight. A lot of it was brought on by depression due to a romantic relationship gone to hell through no fault of my own. I ate to fill the hole I had in my heart. Years went by and I went over 200 pounds. I have been in that weight ratio for a while now.

At one point I counted my calories to the point where it became obsessive. The fact that I was in yet another relationship that was unhealthy and abusive didn't help. I would work out to escape the stress of that relationship. Once I got out of that relationship, I worked out almost every day. I saw a change in my physical appearance but the number on the scale didn't really change and it frustrated me.

I thought I would be happy but I wasn't. This went on for a few years, then I met Paul and I started to see myself as attractive and not just as a fat blob.

At this point I was dipping my feet into the film industry. He thought i was cute. This was when I was at my heaviest. When I felt down and gross he would remind me that he thought I was beautiful. He still does even now.

I got deeper into the pools of the film industry more recently and started wanting to do more roles. A Couple mentors with my best interests in mind said I should lose weight or just deal with being put into "character roles" which is a nice way of saying fat people roles.

Ugh...i went into a depression thinking and feeling worthless then...it happened...i saw an actress named Gina Carano who I saw in a press picture for The Mandalorian on Disney +. My first thought was "oh my Gosh! She looks like me!" She was gorgeous AND she was curvy. Then I found out she was a former MMA fighter turned actress. I wanted to be like her. To be fit and powerful yet still keep my curves. I read up on her background and some of her interviews and honest to goodness...i cried. The two of us are so similar in our backgrounds and how are bodies are.

I know that I can never be like her but I can be me and emulate her. Her and her curves, her strength, her down to earth level headedness, and her compassion. She can and does inspire me to be my best, strongest self and embrace myself fully. It's taking some work but the picture below shows me at my best.

No makeup, no filter, wild natural curly hair and strong with curves. Neither Paul nor I would have it any other way.

[astridhelflauer]

How Boba Fett saved my life

About a month ago I woke up and realized I didn't want to be alive anymore. I didn't want to go through the pain of dying but I just didn't want to exist at all anymore.

I had gone to bed very depressed the night before, hoping sleep would make me feel better. It didn't. I got ready for work, deeply unsettled at that awful feeling of just not wanting to be alive anymore. All of the tricks I had learned weren't working and honestly everyone at work was sad. The two people I worked with had lost people days ago and then there was me. One of them asked if I was Ok cause I was quieter then usual. I told the person I was lacking the will to live. We started to talk and I started to open up.

About how I felt irrelevant  and that I was ugly and fat and that my hero, even though he was fictional, would never even look twice at me and teach me his trade and that I felt so stupid for looking up to this character because he was fictional but that I couldn't help but look up to him.

This person going through his own pain told me that not only would my hero if he were real, look twice at me, he would test me and once I passed his tests, which this person felt i would, he would take me under his wing and teach me his trade and become his apprentice. This person told me that I saw this character as he was, that I saw his honor, his respect for those he hunted rather then just the fact his character was a bounty hunter. I didn't see him as a killer like everyone else does but rather as a man trying to survive in very messed up uncaring galaxy. That was enough to get this character's attention. The fact that I had the type of thinking he did, that I i understood his psychological profile is incredibly rare and would be enough to get him to take me under his wing.

This person was right about all of this and I got emotional and I felt less alone then I had for ages. I woke up today with will to live and then some.

So, in a way, I guess you could say Boba Fett saved my life yesterday and made me feel less alone and less numb. Not bad for a ruthless bounty hunter. 😄

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#starwars #bobafett #depressionawareness #usethetoolsyouhave #keepgoing #fuckwhatothersthink #ifithelpsuseit

[astridhelflauer]

Pictures of me and my husband. I hate being so mad at him

[astridhelflauer]

Morose

I'm very sad and angry today. My husband became a complete ass hole when I didn't answer his messages right away yesterday and he said all kinds of mean things that tore open nasty and deep emotional wounds. He accused me of lying knowing full well I had food poisoning yesterday. He told me to tell a friend of ours, who he knows I love her to death, to tell her I didnt care about her and didn't want to see her. I told her what had happened and he asked "does she forgive you?" I told him yes. "Then I guess I forgive you only cause she does." I told him I had vomited ( I vomited at the opposite end tbh, had been all day) and I didn't see his messages until after the fact he was already pissed off at me. He said it was a convinient excuse being sick and not getting his messages.He was very cruel and once he calmed down enough I told him I was very angry with him and I was crying cause I was so angry and so hurt. He apologized for hurting me so deeply and I told him that I know he could be better then that. He has traumas he hasn't dealt with that spilled onto me. I have traumas too and we are going to use a positive reinforcement system to help heal our traumas in a healthy way. I am not giving up on us or him. Love conquers all.

That said I am still very angry and upset with him. Hopefully that fades.

[astridhelflauer]

Letter to my abuser

I thought you were my friend when I went into business with you. I genuinely liked you and wanted to make you happy. Yeah I wasn't perfect and I had very little experience or exposure and yeah I screwed up a few times but at least I tried. I tried to do things correctly even if your instructions were less then clear. You met this with yelling, verbal abuse, thinly veiled/not so thinly veiled insults to me and my husband. I wanted to make the pain stop and you have no idea how many times I wanted to end everything. How bad you made me want to die every fucking day for 6 months. I didn't though nor did I quit although I was told to do so by more then one person because it would give you the power to say to my husband I told you she couldn't handle it. I refused to give you the power to do that. Then when the business became big I knew I would be out of a job but I also knew I would get away from you and your iron fist and your abusive bullshit and begin to heal. I am still angry at you and almost want revenge on you BUT if I do that I'll be just as petty as you. I will instead get opportunities that will shape my future and to heal from your power hungry bullshit. The fact of the matter is I'm more beloved and more well known then you ever were or ever will be. You said no one knows me. I beg to differ. Everyone knows me and I get more opportunities to expand my career on my own then with you.I hope you get your karma. If you don't though...well it's not important to me. You are no longer important to my life or my destiny.

[astridhelflauer]

Why are rich people assholes?

I just started a new job as a gate attendant for rich people neighborhoods. It's been great so far but today I ran into not one but two full blown assholes. The first one was an electrician guy who I was asking questions to which I'm supposed to do. He was irritated with me and told my trainer I needed more training. Well no shit, I just started. Then she lets him through and tells him to tell the guy whose kids I guess consulted with asshole #1 to call us to have his kids put him on the list. He tells the guy, I'll term him asshole #2, who then proceeds to call me and start chewing me out and telling me asshole #1 told him that I was the one who told him to call us. I told him that it was my trainer who told him that not me but he said that she had been there for a long time and went on and on about how it was irritating that he had to call us. I apologized for the irritation and he hung up on me.

My trainer stated that I did nothing wrong and it was my first day training. To not let it get to me. Easier said then done. I told her that I didn't appreciate being yelled at for something I didn't do. She said that she would speak to asshole #1 and tell him that I meant well and to tell asshole #2 that he can call her and she can explain the situation. Which is all well and good but I hope they both die of heart attacks or something shitty happens to them sooner rather than later cause karma needs to kick them in the ass for treating me like that. One thing people need to learn is to not piss a woman off, especially if that woman is a witch. I don't give a shit if you are rich. You don't get to treat people bad for being on training and learning what they need to do. If you do then be prepared for a shit storm to come and fuck your life up.

Ok I'm done with my rant.

[astridhelflauer]

Today

Today was a really good day. I woke up a bit morose because I couldn't get my phone to work the night before and I felt llike I was worth more dead then alive but I brightened up a bit when I put on my Doors Vinyl and turned it up to a loud volume. My husband and I went to get my new phone working which is what I'm typing on right now. We went up to his cabin and took a nap and ate some Korean and japanese snacks. We also went to a sort of metaphysical shop on the mountain and I bought a new leather journal, a mermaid bracelet and some sage. Now I'm home and am pondering whether I should go to bed or stay up and or write or something. I'll figure it out eventually I guess.

[astridhelflauer]

Your expectations are never too high whether they be of yourself or other people. If they are of yourself it's because you are meant to change this world in some way and you're expectations of yourself are what's pushing you towards what you are meant to do.

If it's other people...its because you want what's best for them because you have such a big heart

Me to my friend who said his expectations were too high

[astridhelflauer]

10 gifs from my top 10 movies? Don’t mind if I do! Thanks for the tag, @reznor-gasm ! 💚

These are the tops as of today, anyway. 😉

I’m curious about @himynameiskitty , @posthuman–dead-star , @trinazz , @kill4manson , @keithpowers , @professorkittymcpause , @vampryn , @we-are-stars-now, @saintbilliejoe , @whiteliliesandayellowrose , @shadow-fade-into-light and anyone else who wants to play. 🎥

[astridhelflauer]

Ramblings on my way to work.

Here is what's in my head as I'm traveling to work with my husband Paul. I'm training at work today.

Holy crap, it's Friday. yay! I get coffee and I get free food at work too. I hope to the gods I don't screw up at work though. I don't think I will. I cant think like That cause I'll manifest it but she's throwing me to the wolves today she said but she'll still be near me if I need help. Breathe. You can do this. Fuck I'm hungry. You got this. You're a smart girl, impress the hell out of her. *looks at husband* geez he's so good to me. How can he handle a crazy like me. He does so much for me and I feel like I cant do enough...i love him so much. 😍💝❤

End of thoughts That would be interesting to read. Have a great day!

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#astridhelflauer #actress #singer #writer #artist #weareallmadhere #ramblingthoughts #dayjobtraining #tonightidoart #happyFriday #filmlife #actorslife #acting #music #singer #art #artistic

[astridhelflauer]

Introduction to me, Astrid.

My name is Astrid. I am an actress, singer, writer and a hobbyist historian. I made this page to vent and share my triumphs and not so much triumphs in my personal and artistic life. Kind of a journal and someplace to put my at times racing thoughts.