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3-3-3: Kyle's very own Spring Awakening

Blog Entry: April 19 2019 (Urdaneta, Pangasinan)

This blog contains a compilation of short stories of my life in March, the month which initiaties the spring season in other countries, along with the lessons that I understood in the SocSci modules discussed in the weeks of the said month. Give it a go!

The ghosts of the past keep on haunting me

It was March 23, two days after my mother came home from Qatar. She was an overseas worker, a nurse in a big hospital in the Middle East country. The night was still young, and everybody was doing their own thing. And then it happened.

My mother called everyone downstairs, I had no clue on what was going on for I was doing my assignment in the room — locked myself up so I wouldn’t be disturbed.

My younger brother knocked on the door.

“Kuya, baba daw lahat,” Kit asked me.

I hastily went down to see what’s up. All of my siblings were sitting on the sofa, and my mother was on a chair in front of the television. She wore a mad face. I was a bit frightened but still wore a smile to give a little bit of liveliness in the room. Everyone was quiet and staring at the floor.

“Alam niyo, dalawang araw pa lang ako rito, pero sobrang disappointed na ko sa inyo,” my mother said. She was expecting the house to be squeaky clean and tidy.

The debate about the neatness of the house was acceptable. However, things turned hell when my mother started pointing at people, asking them what had they done to the house and to their family. When it was my turn, I was calm, I wasn’t guilty of anything because I had done my job the other day, I helped her clean the whole living room and storage room for Christ’s sake. But still, she was angry.

The situation turned worse. Everyone was shouting, everyone was crying, everyone was mad and was out of their minds. My siblings and I tried to explain to her that we did everything that we could, it was just that we were busy at the time. That it hurt us, that the way she looked at us was that we were irresponsible sons and daughter for her.

“Ang masakit kasi, ‘Ma, is ‘yung ginagawa naman namin lahat, pero pakiramdam namin hindi yun enough para sa’yo,” my sister spoke, after I argued that there was something wrong with my mother’s proposition on our deeds.

But she didn’t believe it, and went to tell her story in the past.

On how her parents made her do all the work in the house. On how while she was very young, everything that the family needs to do, she did it all. On how she went to the farmlands immediately after studying in school. On how her father would punish her if she had time for herself and rest. On how she fed the pigs, cleaned their pen, cleaned herself, and then her house afterward. The hell of her life. It was definitely a circle of hell.

I tried to explain it to her, that maybe that was something that affected how she treated us on that day — but to no avail. It was obvious. It was the truth. I was crying, my siblings were crying, she was crying. She told us that she was hurt because we told her these lies, it was disgusting. It wasn’t a lie though. It was true.

In my perspective, with how she grew up, she was fixated in almost all of the stages of development. It was sad. She was my mother. But she wouldn’t listen, simply because, mother knows best and that the parents would always be right.

I went upstairs, crying, knowing that the debate wouldn’t stop unless she tried to put her ego down. I went to bed, everything seemed quiet, and fell asleep.

Intergenerational patterns

I walked in the Office of Guidance and Counselling, alone, waiting for four (4) other people in the Genogram Session. I was excited, elated, nervous, and scared. I didn’t know what was going to happen.

Fifteen minutes passed. Came Sam and Nikka. We entered Ms. Borje’s Office, everything was quiet.

“If wala pa sila by ten minutes, I’ll close the door and then let’s start,” Ms. Borje exclaimed.

Nikka hurriedly opened her phone, asked two of our remaining blockmates to walk faster.

Past ten minutes and still there were no signs of the two. Borje closed the door and started gleefully.

And then there was Renz and Carla in front of the door.

“Okay,” Ms Borje said, opening the door.

The genogram session started with everyone being kind of closed, I bet we were all scared to share a part of our family with five other people in the room. It is by the near end, though, that we realized it was definitely okay, that we’d actually benefit more in doing so rather than keeping quiet.

We learned a lot in the session, and one of these, basically, are some intergenerational traits that seem to be inherited from the treetop down to the roots of our family (us, lol, sorry for the wth metaphor).

For my family, there are three (3) traits that I seem to recognize. Three that I see is similar to each and everyone of the family: generosity, hospitality, and lack of time management.

Out of these three, obviously, one is odd one out: lack of time management. In our family, time is really - really very much neglected. Being tardy for school (and even for work) is normal. Even for dates, time is inessential. When we go out, and planned to, say go in 5pm, everyone would cram, preparing at 4:59 and leaving at 7 (???). A very negative habit which we acquired from our parents, grandparents, grand grandparents, grand grand grandparents. Recently, we try to manage time. As far as even adjusting the clock 30 minutes in advance so that we have that gap to avoid being late. It’s working, and I hope, continue to do so in the future.

The other two, on the other hand, are some of the best intergenerational traits that I have inherited. Generosity and hospitality are some of the things that I am proud to practice and have. With these trait, I believe, I am more generous and more caring to other people. It teaches me to be selfless in this world of selfish people. I just want to make libre everyday, I want guests and friends that enter my house to be full before going home. My dad and mom taught me that. They always told me “huwag mo na tanungin ang bisita kung gutom sila, magbigay ka lang ng pagkain kasi nahihiya sila”. And I think, that’s very beautiful.

There’s one solution in keeping the good traits, and removing the bad ones: PRACTICE.

To keep the good traits, generosity and hospitality, I should practice doing them frequently. And to avoid the negative one, lack of time management, I should practice being early, as well as, managing my time in bits such as having a planner, being cautious of time, et cetera, et cetera.

kayLONG: My Evolution

I remember when my family and I were eating at Mall of Asia in Tempura, just having a good time, my Mama, talking casually about me and my siblings, suddenly highlighted my childhood, “Yan si Kyle ‘pag iniiwan namin dati, iyak nang iyak.”

(‘Til now though, iyakin pa rin ako)

At that time, we just finished the module regarding Psychososcial Theory by Erik Erikson, and oof my brain started to relate my Mama’s story as to what I have learned.

According to Erik Erikson’s theory, as seen in the Figure above, in the infancy years (about 0-2 years old), children try to develop the virtue of hope, with the crisis of trust and mistrust.

Considering the story that Mama told me, I’ve probably gone crumbling down to the wrong side of the scale, ‘causing me to be distrustful even until today.

Distrustful to friends and even to family. What’s even funnier though is that my perspective with hope changes from time-to-time. I help people to go through their problems, give them “hope”. I tell my groupmates and friends, “kaya pa ‘yan”, all the time, but when it comes to myself, I quit and fall in a negative spiral when sh*t actually goes down in my life.

Moving on, which is saddening, in the next four stages, I’ve been on the wrong side of the scale, too. I have shame and doubt, I have guilt, inferiority, and I am confused to what I am and what I will be in life.

Today, I’m trying to rebuild the core values intertwined with each of those stages. It’s a struggle, but I’ll power through.

My life’s melancholic, but I’ll continue to be happy! 

I’ll try my best to turn things around when I get to the next three stages.

Lezzgo!

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Johar(i) window

Journal Entry: April 14 2019 (Pasay City)

As a part of understanding ourselves, we had this activity which was very much fun yet scary thing to do. It was called the Johari Window activity to be explained in a while. 

But first, lemme give y’all the backstory:

It was a very nice day, not too hot not too cold, we were all sitting in our SocSci classroom — very noisy. Suddenly, our teacher, Ma’am Ave asked us to get a piece of paper (a blue paper) and the students were at an uproar.

“Hala! Ano gagawen!” everybody shouted.

It was thrilling because every time ma’am asked us to get a piece of paper, everyone would just be out of their minds, thinking about a “quiz”. 

It was blue though, the paper was blue, so me and my friend (Renz) weren’t that shookedt about an upcoming quiz, we knew that there would simply be an activity — and then there was!

It was a simple activity, to summarize the directions, you just put things about yourself on one part of the paper, and at the backside, people would write something about you (when the proctor tells everyone to do so).

Here’s my results!

People thought of me, just how I wanted them to. A ‘funny’, ‘loud’ person with a hint of Kpop fan (as pertained by the Red Flavor comment) inside.

However, there were comments that were surprising for me: out-going? responsible? favorite English classmate (i’m so kilig)? VIRGIN HAHA? and magis?

I never knew that people looked at me that way also. Just to give you an outlook of how I perceived myself to be, here’s the other page:

Besides your typical, “noisy”, “funny”adjectives, I also wrote some of the negative things I thought myself to be. Perfectionist, short-tempered, matakaw, masungit, maantukin, sabog, and even young (perhaps this is relatable to the “virgin” adjective lol).

That was the point of the activity, to determine how different it was to see yourself as you, and as another person. There were various perspectives or ways to look at me — and I forgot to think about that.

Basically, there were four panels (perspectives) to the Johari Window. 

1. OPEN ARENA - which contained the similar things that you know about yourself, and what others perceive you to be.

2. BLIND SPOT - which contained the things that you do not know about yourself but others know.

3. HIDDEN ARENA - which contained characteristics that you know yet you don’t show or are not known to others.

4. UNKNOWN - which contained personalities that needed to be opened.

I placed all of the characteristics I wrote and others wrote to create my Johari Window, and surprisingly (as seen in the second picture), I had lots of blind spots and characteristics in my hidden arena.

It was quite disturbing at first, knowing that I stress a lot of how people perceived me to be. There were many things in my blind spots — I was very anxious! Fortunately, reading it a bit more times, there were actually more positive things that people think about me.

On the other hand, looking at the hidden arena (OH NOES!), I thought of myself very negatively. Super, super, super negatively. My hidden arena was composed of very bad (not-so-bad) things and that’s when I realized that all this time, I am always thinking of bad things about myself!

The activity was mind opening. These past few weeks, I always thought that I had confidence and I thought of myself as the ‘real’ me, that I was already contented.

BUT I WAS NOT!

As seen in this activity, I still have a lot to go through, especially in changing the mindset of myself or how I view myself.

I still have a lot to experience.

IT WOULD BE HARD PERO LET’S G!!!!!

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Positivity week challenge: RESULTS

Journal Entry: March 17 2019 (Pasay City)

For this blog entry, I’d like to reflect on the two (2) weeks of positivity challenge that I was dared to perform.

But before that, I would like to show some of the gratification journals that I had done for the challenge.

Here they are!

At first, writing a ‘gratification journal’ was difficult for me. As a Taurus (just some zodiac stuff that I read and believe in lol), doing something that isn’t a habit of mine, or isn’t a part of my ‘cycle of things’ is hard to do. 

However, in a few days, after doing these journals for about three or four times, I got used to it and partially enjoyed doing it, too.

One thing for certain, though, is that writing these kinds of journals at the end of the day were both tiring and boring. With that, I modified the challenge by writing on a journal mobile app and writing ‘specks’ of gratification midday (and just compile it in the end).

I am a ‘creative literature’ type of person. Writing journals were as simple as eating pichi-pichi, what makes it hard is that, all throughout the day (each and every day), my energy is drained from thinking and thinking of academics —  that I just want to sleep and ignore the challenge.

But I never stopped.

Doing the challenge, even if at some point my eyes were half-open in doing so, made me happy and content with my life: with what I have and what I am capable of doing.

This journal made me realize all the blessings in my life that I actually have, and not just what I see. It made me realize that all the time, I keep on complaining and complaining, when in fact, I had a lot of stuff to be thankful for.

However, it is hard to do ‘gratification journals’ because I am forced to do so. If I were to continue this challenge, I would like to write on my own will (despite it being against the actual objective of the challenge, to add positivity for each and every day) because for me, the purpose of a journal is to have something to think back of on the day that I think there’s “nothing special in my life”. 

Besides, I would like to do some of the options, too, because I think that doing them (randomly) would be really fun!

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self-compassion + PROJECT OF THE WEEK!!!

Journal Entry: March 5, 2019 (Ateneo de Manila University, Quezon City)

Last week, we took a personality test that reflected our self-compassion; the way we perceived and cared for ourselves, as well as the emotions that we present to other people.

Here are my scores:

SK stands for self-kindness, CH for common humanity, M for mindfulness — these are the components of self-compassion. SJ for self-judgment, I for isolation, and OI for over-identification — the opposites.

Seeing the result of the test, I was shocked that I had a high self-compassion.

I expected to score the most in common humanity (and in fact, I had the highest score in that component), this is because, in every suffering that I have been on, I always find ways to relate it to others. I understand that I am not the only one feeling down once in a while, that no one on Earth has their life set-up completely, altogether.

To be honest, these past few days, I've been practicing activities that would regain my connection with myself (which had been gradually lost, as discussed in my previous blogs).

It is difficult. Self-care is something that has been long gone. Today, it’s all just acads, acads, acads.

Not until lately, that I realized I’ve been forcing myself to do my ‘best’ in school. That is why, last week, I had days where I just ate out my feelings every after school, enjoying the day, taking rest and relaxing for several hours.

It felt good. And surprisingly, as the test results say, it worked!

CONFIDENTIAL!!!

For our mini-project for SocSci, I have decided to do Option D: Be Positive (writing a gratitude journal) to increase my positivity ratio.

I am going to use the journal application Daylio for this activity. (I’ve used this journal-diary program for a long time, since 2018, but I’ve stopped writing ever since acads stuff flooded my day and night).

For seven days, I would practice writing and listing down things that I am thankful for. I’d include even the smallest of things: may it be a piece of candy, a good night sleep, or even a hug from a friend. 

I hope I do this well!

I’ll aim for that success, an increase for positivity. Wish me luck!

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happIness

Journal Entry: February 25 2019 (Monday, Pasay City)

In the end of my first semester in Ateneo, I had three of these thoughts in mind:

1. I will never be enough

2. People will always bring others down for the sake of climbing up the achievement ladder (in this school)

3. No one listens to me

Three thoughts that if you think about, isn’t all that bad, but gradually grows worse through time.

Last week, I finally experienced an unimaginable (for me) burnout. My blood pressure rose up, and the nurse in the Office of Health Services didn’t understand why.

I did, though.

I was drowning in major requirements — long tests and laboratory reports.

I was anxious.

I haven’t had enough sleep, and my body was in the course of shutting down. My eyes spasmed like crazy, and every time I walked around Ateneo, I just wanted to cry.

But that wasn’t the worst thing I had in mind.

I thought, “no one cared”. 

And so, I just moved on with life.

Hurriedly, I went to the Rizal Library and did stuff that had to be done. Laboratory reports, and reviewing the course materials. I wasn’t sure why I was doing it. 

“I’m dumb, I just had to accept my fate,” I quietly thought to myself.

“People wouldn’t care, my classmates would be happier if I failed.”

I stared at my computer screen. Closed my eyes. Bowed down, and cried.

I wasn’t happy, anymore. I wasn’t happy with what I was doing. I wasn’t happy in Ateneo.

I was having a difficult time, and I wanted to quit.

I told some of my friends that I was going to cut the next subject to breathe and do some more of the requirements. They told me, it was okay, and that I should rest. 

I did not believe them.

To be honest, I think some of them really are pretentious and it irked me. But it was fine, I needed them, to survive, somehow.

I was alone.

I tried to be alive, even though, I knew I was dying inside.

Going home that day, I really let all my anger and sadness out. I watched some really good videos and movies. I cried a lot, laughed a lot, ate a lot (even if I wasn’t starving that much). 

I found this Youtube video by Kurzgesagt about loneliness, and it hit me hard.

It was a quick reminder that having a lone time is necessary to live a better life. I forgot to have a “me” time that week, and I suffered.

I suffered from three beliefs that used to make me struggle in life.

Three beliefs that held me back because I took note of what I think people are, instead of focusing on what I am, what I have, and what I can and needed to do.

To let these thoughts go, I forget. That was my technique. Just forget about them, be damned if they come back, though.

Unfortunately, last week they came back. Came back to destroy.

I have read that to get this “beliefs” out of my system, I should have more “me” time for myself. And I think, probably, that would work much better.

In fact, while writing this blog, I’ve just had a half day for myself.

Never felt better.

I just hope those beliefs never come back again, though.

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Un-feeling feelings

Journal Entry: February 17 2019 (Sunday, Pasay City)

I can’t feel anything.

Growing up, I feel distant with my feeling self.

Unlike in the previous years, I can cry whenever I want, I can laugh whenever I want, and I can be angry if I wanted to. 

The following years have been an era of disconnect — a time of fake “managing” my emotional self.

Perhaps, it is due to the “toxic masculinity” culture, where men are forced to not show any unpleasant emotions, or maybe it is because of ‘maturity’ — I do not like it.

I cherished the days when I could bawl my eyes out in front of people, when I could laugh out loud with tears while the sun shines on my face. I loved it when I was able to express.

I blame it all on people (and probably, that’s wrong, but I don’t know what to do). Adolescence sucks, teenage years sucks. People just judge you because you can do whatever you want to. 

And I think, that’s why a lot of people today suffer depression: kids today are being deprived of showing emotions at their full potential.

I hate it.

I hate that I can let myself ‘not cry’ in dramatic movies when I’m surrounded by people, I hate that I cannot allow myself to be angry with people who annoy and are a burden to me, I hate that I cannot “ugly laugh and ugly cry” to jokes that seem funny enough to do so.

They call it managing, I call it killing — killing your feeling self.

To keep up with my emotions. I practice one thing: to let out my emotions, in my room, when I watch or listen to music.

No one’s around, it’s a lone time. I can do whatever I want.

I sing my heart out, I lay in bed, watch videos/movies then laugh out loud or cry like a baby. It feels good. It feels good to be ugly, to do unpleasant emotions. 

It makes me humane.

It makes me alive.

With that, I would like to list one music and movie that makes me feel feels everytime — this is for when my future self forgets to do so! 

Page 0 by TAEYEON x MELOMANCE

https://youtu.be/X46z6f24c7o

Kimi no Na Wa (Your Name) by Makoto Shinkai

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P(okemon)ERSON

Journal Entry: February 9 2019 (Saturday, Pasay City)

The P in PPCT Model

Knowing myself is knowing it all.

Losing myself is, therefore, also losing it all.

Understanding the self is a very difficult thing to do, most especially with all the things (and work) that need to be done in my life today. 

With that, at times like this, it is nice that I am able to self-reflect and ask myself: who am I really?

But wouldn’t it be boring to just type out all the words that describe me? 

So let’s do it in a fun-ner (?) way! AYE!

POKEDEX NO. 51700

Pokemon Name: Kyle

Pokemon Type: Grass

DEMAND CHARACTERISTICS

AGE

Because of his age [18], he is treated well. Immature acts can be deemed acceptable and not acceptable at the same time. (When he evolves weakness and resistance increases +10 due to stress)

AWAKEN

Due to birth order, he is looked at as the black sheep of the family. Sometimes treated as an outcast, his weakness fluctuates with +-15 during interaction with the family.

MELANIN

With his skin being the typical “kayumanggi”, when he takes care of his skin, resistance level increases +50; but when he does not, weakness ups by +20 and resistance goes down to -25. (This demand characteristic remains in his skill grid on evolution, resistance might multiply x3.5 when melanin is improved up until his evolve stance)

MASS

Currently at 180 lbs, body fat is on 27.5%. He is treated fairly normal when surrounded by hoomans, however, if body fat ups to 30.0% and body fat goes beyond the given weight - weakness increases +50 due to insecurities. (In his evolution, the same burden applies but multiplied to x3.5, along with effect on his resistance, which goes down to only -10 when mass is not taken care of)

GROWTH

His above average height is an advantage during his generation. It not only impresses people but allows him to join sports and other opportunities because of this. (In his evolution, an increase and power up in growth might open other doors and chances in the future)

BLOOD TYPE

With blood type of AB+, his rarity is at 4. He may be able to receive any blood type but can only donate to one: AB+. 

RESOURCE CHARACTERISTICS

MOLECULAR MASTERY

His mastery with chemistry brings him to places. It allows him to understand the concepts and ideas of the molecular level easier. (In his evolution, molecular mastery upgrades to compound mastery which makes difficulty with handling compounds - such as acids, bases, etc. - immensely easier than it used to)

SCIENCE WIZARDRY

His skills with laboratory, such as handling pieces of equipment like those in dissection kit, is essential for his current environment. (Evolving, science wizardry goes up to LVL 2, allowing him to memorize lessons in biology easier and makes him more confident in doing practical exams and performances in the laboratory)

BINGE

Allows him to eat as many as you can, however, with a massive effect on his metabolism. (If not used properly, in the future, mass can be on its least efficient form, increasing his weakness to +50 and decreasing resistance to -10.) 

WRITTEN-UP

He is efficient in writing creative literature, as well as academic literature. When improved, written-up can be upgraded up to LVL 5 in his evolution, allowing more opportunities and achievements for him in the future.

LEGENDARY VOCALS

With his prior experience in singing in the church choir, he can sing pretty much anything. An improvement in his technique and skill for this resource characteristic might give him a chance to other innovative activities in the near future.

EYE LENS

He has practiced photography several times. If upgraded, in his evolution, he is able to join other gigs such as documentation committee in orgs and creative photography in general.

FORCE CHARACTERISTICS

WILL POWER

He has strong will power and determination, allowing him to do things on fire! (When upgraded, in evolution, will power can open up a new skill CONFIDENCE and DETERMINATION which allows him to do things efficiently and effectively as he sets up his final goals and objectives in life)

MOTIVATION

He garners motivation on several random things - books, movies, music and many others. (With this force skill, in the future, when he is down, he can easily gain confidence and will power even from the simplest and tiniest things existing)

PERSEVERANCE

Perseverance pushes him to do more things and go farther in life. (In evolution, perseverance can allow him to adapt accordingly to any situations. With this, consequently, every skill is upgraded and leveled up in the near future) 

RESISTANCE TO DISTURBANCE

He does performances and acts as efficient as possible. Focus on this skill can increase force characteristics greatly +50, however, lack of observation for this characteristic, in return, can decrease all of his personalities to -55. (In his evolution, this characteristic should be taken care of with specificity and carefulness)

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The cure to overthinking.

Journal Entry: February 2 2019 (Saturday, Pasay City)

In this week, I realized that I still have one of my worst habits in life: overthinking.

A lot of things happened and I have a lingering thought of not being able to keep up. I kept saying to myself that it’s because “this requirement is hard”, “I have no skills”, and that “I have no time”.

I was living in the future and not the present.

I kept thinking in advance.

With this realization, I took a timeout. A break. I have learned this beforehand, especially with 18 years of experience.

I ate out. Forgot about all the showering requirements for school and had a breather. It was relaxing the best time I ever had, and for that, I will continue to do it everytime I felt the emergence of burnout in my life.

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I remember watching this in the theater. At some points during the movie, I was on the verge of breaking down and just bawl out and cry. A lot of the moments there in the movie were really relatable.

With that in mind, I’d like to present to you, three of the my best moments in the film, and the reasons why:

3. The essence of sadness

Who can ever forget one of the most heart-wrenching cartoon moment of all time?

In the near end of the movie, when sadness finally held and created the “sphere” of emotions, and the family has finally reunited with Riley, we finally get to see the importance of being ‘sad’ as part of our emotions.

Happiness makes our lives better, in fact, being happy can even make someone really attractive (hehe!), however, in this movie, we are reminded that sadness should still be a part of our whole being and that it is okay to feel it sometimes.

Balance is key!

2. Bing-Bong! Bing-Bong!

Who’s your friend who likes to play?

Bing-bong! Bing-bong!

This scene, as sad as the first one I told you above, broke my heart into bits.

It reminded me of how as I grow up, I tend to forget the things that used to make up my life, the things that used to make me happier and alive. 

That I lost the child in me and that I have changed a lot.

This moment has the same attack as that of “The Little Prince” by Antoine de Saint-Expury, and with that, I admire it more.

Keeping all of these things in mind, I try my best to find my “child” self in some points in my life: one who is curious, one who is playful and does not succumb easily to the negative curbs of life.

1. Leaving on a jet plane bus

This scene hits home.

For me, it is the most relatable, that’s why I put it in number one.

At some points in my life, especially when I was about 16 years old (the rebellious teenage years), I wanted to quit - I wanted to go far from home, and just never come back.

I am Riley. That’s exactly what it feels like, and that’s what really happens when you’re fed up with life. You just crumble into pieces, allowing all the extremes of your emotions to handle you: anger combined with disgust and fear.

When those three handled the emotion control, everything just went down because they can’t find equilibrium. At that moment, though, the best thing to do is to cry, bawl your eyes out, just like in the movie.

This scene told me that it is definitely normal to break down, but to be relieved, you need to let it all out and NEVER JUST KEEP IT IN YOURSELF.

That’s my top three moments in Inside Out!

How about yours?