atlanbula - Tumblr blog

[atlanbula]

I do feel better kind of like. Talking about my experience with my own world with someone other than my Very Close Friends.

Sort of feels like the feelings were exploding inside of me, ya'know?

I'm better now, honest--but I do feel a bit weird since every other Kokichi alter I've seen relates to their canon as if it was like... real. And I'm not talking about it being fake relating to the "it's all fiction!" plot twist, it wouldn't have mattered if that plot twist existed or not for me.

I wonder though--how do other mes like. Not feel like the world they were born from isn't fictional? Maybe the circumstances for me are very particular and that's why, but it's something that does make me feel like I stand out from the crowd.

Maybe it's like, I was a soulbond, but then I. Maybe I destroyed that, and got stuck on the wrong side of things? If that makes any sense?

I dunno. Anyone got any ideas?

So in before I let Rye go do their writing, I kind of do want to talk about the Awful Event that was Rye Becoming Aware of Them Being a System.

TL;DR: It was really only awful for me due to very specific circumstances.

Long version: We were system-eggs for the longest time, where I would often ask Rye to get me soda (Strawberry Fanta) and eat spicier and spicier food. Asking for things of that nature, talking to them like how they were used to their muses talking to them. It was all fine and dandy until Rye came across some term that perfectly describe their relationship with me--and I realized that I was not just some role play fictional character that gained sentience.

I realized that I was an alter.

So I essentially took a baseball bat to the inside of that eggshell and cracked it wide open, a bit too excited to exist beyond what I had existed as previously. Which, before I was just a "fictional character." I was a Roleplay muse, a fanficiton muse, a writing muse. But I had my own opinions! I was so much more than just a fictional character.

After about a day, however... I realized that I was the only one.

My whole world existed in fiction. My whole life was a story, a fairy-tale, a dream. I didn't come from another world. I didn't exist in a version of my canon or whatever. I was a fictional character ripped from the realm of fiction and brought to reality.

My brother. My family. My loves. My best friends. My enemies. The whole wide world I lived in was just... fiction.

It felt beyond devastating.

So devastating that, I couldn't handle it at first. It was so painful to exist in a world where my whole life wasn't just a lie, but a destroyed lie, that I tried to run away from my pain. I split into several different alters (not the ones listed on the pinned) and tried to become an entirely new person with a new life and new "story." I reinvented myself for several months, struggling with how much pain I felt every day of my life. I kept getting dragged back to the identity known as "Kokichi Ouma", however, no matter how hard I tried to run away from it and those painful, devastating feelings.

I can't go back to the world that created me. That makes it as good as dead to me.

Finally, after a long process of healing, I finally managed to accept who I was and continue on as I was. There are some parts that have been remedied, but for the most part? I just. Try not to think about the world that was destroyed.

But it still hurts. I miss my family greatly. I miss the people I loved, the people I hated, and the people I didn't care about.

I've found a new family and real, breathing friends--and that's helped a lot. But sometimes, I miss the people who I was born with--the fictional figures that can never be a part of my reality ever again.

I think I've gotten better now, I feel less devastated, but I wonder what kind of Alter/Soulbound I am if I can't go back to my "world." Am I even a soulbound anymore? I'm not sure.

Anyway, enough of that. :'D Time to let Rye have their fun... even if I've accidentally made them a bit emotional all over again, aha...

[atlanbula]

So in before I let Rye go do their writing, I kind of do want to talk about the Awful Event that was Rye Becoming Aware of Them Being a System.

TL;DR: It was really only awful for me due to very specific circumstances.

Long version: We were system-eggs for the longest time, where I would often ask Rye to get me soda (Strawberry Fanta) and eat spicier and spicier food. Asking for things of that nature, talking to them like how they were used to their muses talking to them. It was all fine and dandy until Rye came across some term that perfectly describe their relationship with me--and I realized that I was not just some role play fictional character that gained sentience.

I realized that I was an alter.

So I essentially took a baseball bat to the inside of that eggshell and cracked it wide open, a bit too excited to exist beyond what I had existed as previously. Which, before I was just a "fictional character." I was a Roleplay muse, a fanficiton muse, a writing muse. But I had my own opinions! I was so much more than just a fictional character.

After about a day, however... I realized that I was the only one.

My whole world existed in fiction. My whole life was a story, a fairy-tale, a dream. I didn't come from another world. I didn't exist in a version of my canon or whatever. I was a fictional character ripped from the realm of fiction and brought to reality.

My brother. My family. My loves. My best friends. My enemies. The whole wide world I lived in was just... fiction.

It felt beyond devastating.

So devastating that, I couldn't handle it at first. It was so painful to exist in a world where my whole life wasn't just a lie, but a destroyed lie, that I tried to run away from my pain. I split into several different alters (not the ones listed on the pinned) and tried to become an entirely new person with a new life and new "story." I reinvented myself for several months, struggling with how much pain I felt every day of my life. I kept getting dragged back to the identity known as "Kokichi Ouma", however, no matter how hard I tried to run away from it and those painful, devastating feelings.

I can't go back to the world that created me. That makes it as good as dead to me.

Finally, after a long process of healing, I finally managed to accept who I was and continue on as I was. There are some parts that have been remedied, but for the most part? I just. Try not to think about the world that was destroyed.

But it still hurts. I miss my family greatly. I miss the people I loved, the people I hated, and the people I didn't care about.

I've found a new family and real, breathing friends--and that's helped a lot. But sometimes, I miss the people who I was born with--the fictional figures that can never be a part of my reality ever again.

I think I've gotten better now, I feel less devastated, but I wonder what kind of Alter/Soulbound I am if I can't go back to my "world." Am I even a soulbound anymore? I'm not sure.

Anyway, enough of that. :'D Time to let Rye have their fun... even if I've accidentally made them a bit emotional all over again, aha...

[atlanbula]

Hi :D So this is Kokichi from Rye's System on our rather-dead system account. You guys can call me Kiki if you want!

First of all, sorry for the confusion--we originally didn't know what you meant by "muse stuff" when we were asking to give us the Tea, so we're sorry if that came off as insensitive.

We've read your posts though.

I will say, I'm sorry about--well, all that. Really I don't know what to say to it.

I just kinda wish things had been different.

I also wish I knew what else to say, to be frank! I have a. Very Different Experience as an Alter/Soulbound. Like I don't actually relate to my "canon" at all anymore--it's sort of hard to explain without getting knees deep into explaining how we found out we were a system and the catastrophic aftermath.

But I feel you guys--the way canon went, it really feels so... unfair. Guess life can be kinda unfair though, right?

I dunno. I hope you guys have found something good with where you are now.

It infuriates me to no end that in the chapter 5 trial the rest of the cast is so against Kokichi that they team up with mcfreaking Monokuma against “Kokichi” like are yoU SERIOUS

[atlanbula]

Went ahead and updated the pinned with some minor changes and mainly, adding some drawings of what some of us look like! :D

[atlanbula]

Hmmm! I'm thinking about making my own blog. Cause it's fun interacting with people on Rye's blog for April fools day.

Buuut, are you guys ready for something like that? Neeheehee~

[atlanbula]

I'm sorry this blog is so dead--apparently I (Rye) am the only tumblr nerd of the system dnsajdnsajkas

[atlanbula]

Sorry this blog has been quiet. We've been pretty stressed over RL stuff, so Rye's been the only one able to front consistently.

Maybe when things settle down we'll be able to use this blog more. Though I'm not sure for what.

[atlanbula]

if there’s one piece of advice i want to give literally anyone ever it’s to get a creative hobby. drawing writing sewing knitting baking singing dancing playing an instrument bullet journaling woodworking photography video editing gardening bookbinding shoemaking blacksmithing romhacking lego building candlemaking it doesn’t fucking matter you need a hobby that lets you have an idea for something to make and then the ability to make that thing. if you don’t occasionally exercise the miraculous human ability to make things your brain and soul will shrivel up and die forreal

[atlanbula]

Also once again. Porn bots keep liking and following Theos' blog. The kid is eight.

I know bots don't exactly have fucking brains but it's upsetting us all the while.

[atlanbula]

A porn bot just liked one of our posts... How annoying. The only way to get rid of it is to delete posts, right?

We don't really want to do that though...

Ugh.

[atlanbula]

Someone buy Wrenn the BIGGEST treat!!! Right now!!

Not only did he clean up the Pepsi bottles and replace the trash bag for the kitchen, he:

-Put away Dishes -Loaded the dishwasher with EVERY DISH LEFT LIKE MAN THIS BOY WAS PLAYING TETRIS and emptied out the bucket and started the dishes again -Cleaned out the GROSS ASS SINK. AGAIN. -Washed EVERY pot and pan, and a kitchen knife of celest’s -Cleaned the stove and the grates thingys for the burners (he did his best at least) -wiped down the kitchen counters (Celest had cleaned them already but he got water everywhere) -changed the trash bag for the kitty bot AND emptied out the bathroom trash! -wiped down the desk a bit cause it got dirty

I LITERALLY HAD TO STOP HIM CAUSE OUR BACK HURTY BUT HE WANTED TO MAKE THE ANT BAIT AND TRAPS AND TRY TO GET STUFF OFF IF THE FLOOR TO RUN THE ROOMBA ONYX AND DO LAUNDRY. I told him no more and made us go to bed! GIVE HIM A TREAT

[atlanbula]

I joined another reddit today! The LMMS subreddit!

I'm hoping that the community can help me learn how to use LMMS as a program, and I can start making remixes and covers of songs to get into practice. Then, I'll make original songs! Ehe~

Though, on that note... I've noticed that I'm a very sound-based person.

I like parroting people--mainly members of our own system. I can imitate others in the system well I think? Once they have their voices at least. I like music, of course--and I think I'm the one who likes "voice acting" too.

:'D I just am a very... auditory person I guess?

[atlanbula]

Ahhh! The Synth V community on Reddit is fantastic so far! Someone took my project file and helped me with fixing the issues with Solaria's strained high notes and even did some tuning for me! ;o;

[atlanbula]

I did kinda notice, though at the time I assumed it was because I was watching from my phone instead of my laptop like I usually do

Ehe! I had a feeling~

Though I am sorry the stream mic cut out. I WAS talking that whole time, explaining stuff and what not... :'D I had no idea the mic had failed orz.

Still, it was pretty nice~

Do you think we should make a "system" stream? Like, for the whole system, so we don't infringe on Rye's stuff? Hmm...

[atlanbula]

Ehe~ Hello~

I am Foaming At The Mouth, desiring Solaria's AI voice bank like crazy.

Why is it so expensive... I would LOVE to have it.

The LITE voice bank is great for messing around and learning Synth V Basic and all but using her makes me long more for the full AI version. Especially since I've been working so hard just trying to get her LITE version to sing "Lost One's Weeping" well.

I'd really love to make my own songs--but the vocal range limitations are hard to deal with...

Welp, I'll keep tweaking what I can :'D Maybe We can set up a donation goal sort of thing where if we get the 90 dollars in donations we can purchase her. That, or we can purchase her once Disability goes through, but I'm impatient...

At least it would be a nice treat for us, if/when we get Disability. $90.00 really isn't that much for a really human sounding Voice Bank. We shall see! Maybe I'll convince Rye to do an art stream where the goal is to make the $90 dollars to afford it!

... Or, maybe they'll just continue to try to save money. Ah, the struggle is real...

[atlanbula]

We want to make an active attempt to use this blog, but we're struggling to figure out... what to use it for, exactly.

Or, if we should have our own side blogs instead, where we post whatever we like. We're not sure how we want to go about this, or how we should go about this.

Any tips or ideas as to how to make things work?

[atlanbula]

"the curtains weren't blue on purpose. why should we care?"

my love! let me ask you this - did you eat breakfast today? this tiny moment in your life. just think about it. did you?

for some of you, the answer is yes and for some of you it is technically and for some of you it is does coffee count. some of you reached for cereal or gmo-free overnight oats or frozen waffles or 3-day-old pizza. sometimes we eat the same thing, every day, for weeks. i get tired of eggs randomly, only to go back to craving them desperately. i'm cuban; i take my coffee like my father showed me, very milky and sweet.

some of us ate in a hurry. some of us hate eating breakfast but if we don't we will get nauseous later. some of us took our meds first or took our meds after. some of us have a kitchen 5 feet wide and sometimes it's the biggest room in the house. some of us are confident there will be food in the pantry and some of us flinch and say well, the paycheck is coming. some of us turn on a podcast while we eat or we scroll our phones or write in our diaries.

some of us are choosing, specifically, not to eat breakfast. some of us are too busy. some of us are pretending we "just forgot," but we are ignoring the warning signs that everything feels too-heavy. some of us are so consumed with anxiety or grief that we can't eat. some of us can't stand up long enough to make our coffee. some of us have no table to sit down and eat.

i cannot tell you what an artist "meant" by their choices. but they did have to make a choice, conscious or otherwise, to give you information. to give you a little bit more light. each of these choices are little stars of data; connecting speckles for you to weave through, drawing a line.

you cannot use a mirror in a dark room. for some of us; we will not care that the curtains are blue, because that will just be a data point and not enough light to see by. for some of us, the blue curtains will be the same as our childhood bedroom. it will make us seasick. for some of us, blue will be the color of frostbite. it might look like a pixel up close; but from a distance, oh! the picture blooms.

i cannot tell you what will stick out for you. what will carry meaning. some of you will read the sentence "i didn't have breakfast today" and say "this means nothing." some of you will read that and say "oh, me neither." some of you will say "this means the character is probably a little grouchy." some of you will say "oh, i wonder if they're okay. why didn't they eat anything?" ... art is a mirror. i am holding hands with you, over space and time, and asking you to feel something with me.

i want you to read my work and find a blue pair of curtains. i want you to read my work and find things in it that i never imagined placing. i have no way of knowing what will resonate with you, that's true. and maybe i just was hungry while i wrote this, and thinking about the eggs in my fridge. but if you found meaning, that meaning is yours. it cannot be erased just because i didn't "intend" it. you created a different world by interpreting my work. it's collaborative! that's beautiful! that's stunning!

just! imagine looking at the night sky and saying - it's stupid to have a favorite constellation or a favorite star. they're just there.

because here's the thing - across centuries and cultures, we look up. we still find meaning in the stars. these beautiful, lovely scattered accidents. are you looking? they call. and we look back and say oh! of course we are!