atrcompilelogs

[atrcompilelogs]

31 Oct

I miss his hands.

He reminds me of a warm autumn day. The kind of days when it's not too hot or not too cold.

Maybe I needed to be in this city to get over him.

Last time I was here I was so much in love.

Maybe I still am, but a sad desperate one.

And a little pathetic at times.

It started raining here in bangalore.

When it first rained and got chill, I was reminded of him.

My sun.

Got too close and burned myself.

Now it's darkness, always.

It doesn't make much sense.

[atrcompilelogs]

29 Oct

Chills. The bamboos give me this ethereal chill.

[atrcompilelogs]

Oct 6

First day taking medication - Daxid50

Took at around 10:47AM. After breakfast, had some pori, murukk after

Stuff started kicking in after an hour.

Things seem to be getting worse. I felt really weak at some point. My hands felt heavy and I can feel some sort of discomfort going on in my head.

Doesn't seem to improve my distractions. At all. Altho.. I'm not sure. Let's see.

I'm dizzier.

Or was it the heavy rock music from etoiles? Not sure.

Changing to joma's pplaylist anyway. Okay, break almost about to end.

Should take serious breaks from now on.

[atrcompilelogs]

Oct 5

Playing Tua after a long time, I kinda feel the need to do stuff now. Somehow started working properly after days ;_;

It's oct5, 1:24PM.

[atrcompilelogs]

Oct 2

Wtf just happened.

I had dinner. I was done at around 8:37PM. Bc I checked on the way downstairs. Came back. Sat here. Checked the time seemingly "soon enough" and it's 10:42 PM.

I'm starting to suspect if some inter dimensional being is stealing time from me.

[atrcompilelogs]

Oct 2 : 4:13AM

My sleep cycle is officially fucked up. It's 4am and I'm high as fuck and In fucking dk what'ss going on!!! AAAAAAAA.. I could literally just run out if I wasn't locked up in here.. bc .. wait I could unlock. what/ ?? stfu

Ok.

Forcefully sleep. Have to wake up and go to the temple.

I've been planning the move since 3. It's a pretty detailed plan and if everything goes well, I'm saved. Planned so I can move quick and adjust to office real quick so it's not that noticeable amongst other people who are still adjusting.

OKay

I'm getting normal sluggish. And goeeyy.. goeeyy? Noo just slow in general. Move to bed. Or you'll face the consequences of resting incorrectly in a chair... okay, mild discomfort in my head. .. . fuzzy. eth is going on. . . Ooh the shitty lofi beats.. Wow, my brain is simply reciprocating the urgency of those lofi beats. Whoaaaaa... This is mindblowing information. The other day posterity played and I got real urgent aND .. FUCK!!! I THOUGHT I SAW A FUCKING GHOST!!!

Anyway, posterity played and fucking ruined my balanced consistent focus. How tf do I find the right speed lofi beats for my brain to function properly. Why the fuck do I have to struggle this much... what the fuck.. will these issues go away once I'm around people,...? I just keep finding more reasons to fuck up than for things to get fixed.

Okay, I might throw up. Why did I drink that tea? Aaaa why the fuck did I drink tea at 3 in the fucking morning. I think I found the culprit. It was cold. It tasted shitty, but I was dehydrated... so you drank tea >?? At 3? When you're tryna get your circadian rhythms in order for weeks... Seriously how stupid are ya? ??

Why am I even writing all this stuff? This was supposed to be for monitoring my work at compile so I don't go astray.. thankfully I didn't need em for a month.. I mean wtf. wtf.

Sheene sheene sheeeneee ...

Sheene sheene sheene sheene sheene sheene ..

You won't just die just by saying that.. at 4:30AM. OK. Go to bed.

Please.

You can still make it. Tomorrow's a sunday.

I'm not even gonna start with what happened in the last 2 days. I was basically just dizzy and fucked up real bad.

OK.

It's ok. You can make it. The last ounce of serotonin in my brain cheering the whole system.

Wow. Is this gon be my entire life?

Struggle and still fuck up anyway and then damage control.. and then struggle more to not fuck up and still...

Oh no...

High amounts of cortisol coursing through my veins. I should get some sunlight tomorrow and see if vitamin D fixes this.

Or maybe I'm just total paranoid. Or maybe too much research trying to fix myself is doing the harm and I should just..

let it be...

let it bee.. let it bee.. beatles playing in my head.

I can't "let it be" this time. Trying "let it be" fucked up gsoc. I can't get fired from this job. I AM NOT GETTING FIRED FROM THIS JOB>

BEHAVE!!

DO YOU HEAR ME, BRAIN???

I SAID< FUCKIN BEHAVE!!!!

Ok

Enough pep talk for the week ahead.

Now, sleep you pathetic loser

[atrcompilelogs]

Sep 30

SIRENS... SIRENS.. SiRENS wailing in my head..

I fucked up real bad.

No more side quests during standup calls

Fuck!

Did they not say my name?

[atrcompilelogs]

Sep 29

3:27PM

Yes. the perfect playlist.

Joma's lofi mix. :D

[atrcompilelogs]

Sep 29

As you can see, I ended up getting distracted till 12PM yesterday. AGAIN.

Started the day at 7:13AM with light workout, started working at 8AM. It's 8:03AM and I'm reading about Warrant of Execution.

Worse they can do is fire me. How tf did I get here?

It'll take about a week for my evening workout routines to start coming in effect.

Good thing only 3 minutes were wasted. And 2 more writing this. Not a waste. But.. Idk. Monitoring. Yep. Is that even the word for this?

Journaling my struggles.

This blog was supposed to put in the work I did. Not whine about things. -

Please, please, please stop whining and work extra hard. That's the only way. If you got a bad processor, you work with better schedulers, algorithms or whatever at your disposal. That's how life works.

That's it for today's ted talk.

Now go to work.

:)

Love, me.

8:12AM. Distracted again. WTF

Ok, music.

That's better. Shit I'm finally thinkin about doing things... I'm so happy.. Then why tf you still herez idiot? /? Bc I wanna create a sense of urgency ..hehe.. Now fucking leave tumblr. Aaaaa

[atrcompilelogs]

Sep 28

10PM

I ate, "tried" sleeping. Worked out. Did 20 frontkicks. tbh, I'm feeling a little dizzy instead of pumped up. And my eyes are still puffy. Head doesn't ache tho. Stuck on the "descriptive comment" task for the past 1hr. Idiot. Always start with the interesting task with a pomodoro on.

Okay I can do this. After 10 is my time. I have 2 hrs. And so what if the changes aren't interesting. Normal people can do it. So I can do it too. No big deal. Straightforward changes. You just have to start.

10:05PM. I could've finished the whole thing in this 5 minutes.

Okay, put on redbeard. And be careful with spotify from now on. Never let a playlist finish and spotify suggest you tracks that will ruin your life.

That shitty beat. Damn. Can't even trust music these days.

Ok, I'm motivated. I'll do one more post if I was productive and finished all the changes by 10:30.

[atrcompilelogs]

Sep 28

Not sure how ..

It's 6:08PM. And I somehow screwed up. Again.

Started the day with a lot of motive, but spotify ruined it. One wrong song in my queue and .. things went floopy.

I've been struggling since 1pm to stop. But I couldn't. I kept blasting songs into my ears for 5 straight hours. All I did was stare at the screen. Sometimes at the time and panic, but paralysed brain. When I realising that I'm supposed to be working, I change the song. And again, and again. And again. Rejulettan kept asking me about updates. Ignored that too. Actually, I just kept looking at the texts in notification bar and just cried while changing songs. I couldn't stop. I fucking couldn't.

My life started flashing before me. The times in college when me and Anand would work on projects together, and I always finish my work real late.. bc.. I didn't know why. I didn't know why I was slow at the time. I just thought I was stupid or lazy or sth. The terms Anand used. I believed them. Stupid. Idiot. lazy. I would believe em all.. I know deep down, that I want to work, but I simply couldn't focus. But when I finally could focus I was able to do em.

Had the same thing when I was in school. But I somehow coped. Idk. Maybe bc it was more organised. Spoonfeeding and stuff.

Ok.

Today was a mess.

I'm supposed to start working in 2 hrs. I had very light breakfast at around noon. Dehydrated. Hungry. Can't stop crying, head aches like crazy. And Rejul just called me a liar. I have no idea why. sth related to sth I said earlier. I don't have the braincells left to recall why. All they're trying to do is recall how Anand used to call me a liar. Lazy. Stupid. "All you need is a smack. You're being too lazy. Too negetive. You won't even meditate and whine about things. Won't exercise. Won't ,,,".... Shit, can't stop crying. My head might explode. It will stop once I stop crying. Just stop. What are your even cryin for? Can't focus on work, so just cry all day.??? WTFF? Why am I so weak? Wtf even happened to me? I used to able to struggle and find my way through stuff. I was atleast capable of unfucking things. STOP CRYING ..What is it a broken dam? Stop. Stop!! FUCKING STOPPP!!!! Fuck, it's getting dark and this laptop doesn't have nightlight!! Just have to wake up and go turn on the lights. But no.. just soak up in my own tears, reeking and feeding the mosquitoes in the darkness. Aaaaa.. Let's just pretend I'm in space.

tbfh, I'm fucking exhausted from trying really hard everyday. It's not fair. It's not fair that others can put more energy on their work, and most of my energy goes to just getting organised enough to gain focus on my work and just being productive in general. What if I had normal brain? The things I could've done. All those days and nights.. trying to make something of myself. I fear I'm gonna lose it all bc I would feel slightly sad one day, make all the bad decisions and ruin my life.

I will start working at 9:11PM and I have to stop crying now, eat sth, take a power nap, forget all this shit and reset my brain before I can work again. 2 hrs is enough? I hope so.

Idk how I'll manage when I'm in bangalore. I can't even cry out all this. How the fuck am I going to manage? Should I get a one per bedroom? Yes I should. Otherwise, will lose this job. FUCK!! HOW TF WILL I MANAGE IN OFFICE???

Okay, I really need to forget his existence. And all the bad things that happened. And get back to the game. It's bad enough I screwed up gsoc. Have to fix things.

I could only manage for 1 month. Shit. Is that all I can do?

Ok, should follow the workout regimen back from april. I must have the notes here somewhere. If my beloved sis didn't throw em out as trash. ;_;

That's it. That's my only hope. And see if things get better. If I don't screw up atleast for 2 months. I can continue , otherwise, I'm going for therapy. At all cost. I can't let my life go in ruins. I'll just go with medications or whatever. Just wish I could focus on my work like a normal person. And learn like a normal person.

[atrcompilelogs]

Sep 28

This is crazy.

There's like one hundred tabs running in chrome, some shitty beat playin and a bunch of texts I should respond to at zulip.

But I can't break my focus from what I'm doing now. I'm trying to but, now I'm like half focused on all of em at once and I have no fucking idea what's going on. I'm here somehow. I'm in a trance state, and my brain cells have stopped working. I'm trying to read and think about what they want from me, but I can't bring myself to "think" about it, bc my brain wants me to continue the work I was doing. WTF is going on. I just hear this beat. And a small side of me starting to panic that I'll lose my job. What the actual fuck.

I'm gonna lose this job.

Wow.

I'm gonna screw up this too.

[atrcompilelogs]

Sep 23

10:26AM

Shit is bad. Had to activate Mayday protocol, but I'm impressed I lasted about a month. It's actually an improvement. So don't be too hard on yourself girl.

I don't workout or do break down sessions for 2 days and everything falls apart. Great. Is this gonna be the rest of my life? Even the slightest inconvenience and everything's batshit crazy.

How the fuck did I even fall asleep? This is new. This is like that boy thing. They have to masturbate regularly or wet dreams and uninvited ejaculations. I have to schedule break downs everyday or they come uninvited during work. I just remember breaking down since 3pm and my brain decided to hybernate at around 6pm. And how the fuck did I move to the bed? It was actually sth in one of my dreams! wtf!! Do I have no control at all??!!! Omfu!! Woke up at 3am today. That's like 12hrs wasted bc of my cuckoo brain (actually 36, counting from yesterday since same thing happened yesterday). I mean.. Is this even normal? Or some lethal breed of ADHD?

Okay. This can't keep happening. I AM NOT LETTING THIS END IN A DISASTER LIKE GSOC. I have to atleast be a good enough employee for an year, and then see what to do then. And if I'm even more exhausted by then, ... well..

Idk. Guess I'll just kill myself. Idk what else. SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!

Okay. Okay. Okay.

So s-level monitoring. Like I did in the beginning.

Hopefully it will fix things.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

There's a standup @11. And I have to explain what I have left to do in there. Rejulettan explained.

I have a bunch of fixes in athena & console's UI

What are those fixes?

1:24PM - this isn't working out. Still not productive..still shallow work. How hard is it?

[atrcompilelogs]

Idk why I feel too much of everything.

And too little of other things.

Too much of sadness.

Too little of happiness.

I'm supposed to be working.

I had to take 45mins and try and prep my brain to work again.. bad idea. Now I'm shit deep in this hole and I have to work.

I can't fucking focus.

Again.

AGAIN!!!! Why the fuck? Out of the blue, again!!!! AGAIN!!!

IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DAY!!

ADHD is so scary.

It's like time is stolen from me.

It's so scary.

Suppose I'm 21 and excited about life and so much to do and plans shit and then in a glimpse I'm 45. It's like space-time warps and squeeze into moments as it pleases around me and my life is stolen from me. And I can't do anything about it. I'm so scared. What if I'm in my death bed the next moment?

Why is it always either too much dopamine or too little dopamine?

Fuck! Why is this so hard?

People!

Scared about Bangalore too.

[atrcompilelogs]

202109090845P

I'm getting tired of the frontend work.

I hate css.

[atrcompilelogs]

Aug 27

WTF!?? “Rejulettan”?? Stick to the notes!!

ALWAYS SAY PRECISELY WHAT’S WRITTEN IN THE NOTES!!!

Okay, chill. Atleast the mallus might understand it’s an honest mistake and others won’t even notice.

Daily standup and I have to talk just for 2 mins. And I’m fucking that up.

I have to do exactly what Biswasettan said.

Ask more questions.

I need to build a rapport before asking them stuff

My priority is learning. (Also meet the deadlines ;_; Hope I’ll pace up)

But everyone looks busy. I should’ve taken the opportunity when xavier offered to mentor back then.

Okay, Standup @ 10

6:40PM. I spent hours reading up about dependencies, vue component registrations and stuff trying to fix that svg loading thing.

;_;

It’s was just broken links.

Omu.

[atrcompilelogs]

Aug 26

Fell asleep @ 8 yesterday and just woke up. Great.

1:53AM.

Resetup ui-components.

Load compile.com sass

Try #1.

Okay, we definitely need shards.

Try #2.

What to respond to “welcome to the team” ?

SAY “THANKS” I mean how hard is it to say a fucking “THANKS!!!”???

Cyriac must think I’m a total freak. They hired a freak. Omu.

I thought things will get better in 1-2 days. I’m getting the hang of the work here, but I still don’t know how to talk to those people. Not even Rejulettan. Or maybe it’s just all in my head.

I need to start writing down stuff again. Or I’ll lose track of what I’m doing.