atthegeniusfactory

[atthegeniusfactory]

i'll risk it all for you

that's what jimin said before he turned his back on him.

willing to give up everything to make him stay. ready to do anything for him, even if it was something he was not used to doing. even if it would cause him his life and career. that's how much jimin was willing for him.



he smiled at that.

the smile that jimin fell in love with. he clearly remembers the first time he saw that smile on him and realized he was the reason for that shy, beautiful upturn curved on his thin, soft lips. that night, jimin felt like the most successful man on the planet for making the most successful man on the planet smile.



but tonight was different. his eyes spoke differently.



"you've already done enough. more than enough. it shouldn't be like this. i feel like you've done everything for me, for this relationship, and all i did was nothing."



jimin shook his head. no.

jimin did those for him willingly, because he wanted to. wanted things easier for him. and never did he demand for anything back. jimin was happy doing things for him. he though it was just right.



"i feel like we stopped ourselves from growing because we're too busy to make us grow. we forgot that we both have our separate world and that we also need to grow and learn things separately."



jimin's vision blurred out with the tears that's clouding his eyes. he held jimin's face between his hands and looked at him directly, straight through his soul, with tired, sad, tearful eyes.



"we have to find ourselves back. we have to see and experience the world on our own and grow from it. i know we can do it together, but i think it's best to do it apart."



jimin quickly wiped his tears and he did the same to him. both leaned on each other's touch savoring every last second. he stepped back first.



"i don't know what could happen to us after this. we might find our way back or not. but whatever the future holds, i will still be here for you. i am always grateful for you and what we had. i will always have that with me. never blame yourself for the love that you gave because that kept me here and gave me the courage to find myself."



jimin wanted to reach out to him but he took another step back, smiling again. and all jimin could do was to stare and engrave deeper in his soul every line and curve of his face, the way he looks, the way he felt. jimin looked at him and hope that he could see right through him.

to see that after all these, jimin will find his way back home, to him. jimin has no intention of abandoning his home for a long time. he will take a vacation, but he will come back. always.





and jimin did.





and yoongi did.







two years after, the two met unexpectedly at the exact same spot where they left everything. maybe this is the universe working for them.



they stayed at the bench facing the Sunken Garden, waiting for whoever would speak first.



jimin did.



"how are you?"



yoongi smiled at that. the smile that made jimin fell for him hard. after everything, jimin still loves that smile on him. and perhaps this is his favorite of all the smiles he received from him because this is the most genuine and peaceful one he has seen.

all jimin could see were the happy memories they had together. he could not remember all the finest details but he knows that once in his life, that smile made them who they are today and brought them where they are right now.



yoongi began telling stories about his travels and his search for his true self, and how he was able to resolve his issues with his family, and how he finally asked for a professional help, and how he was there in that chapter of jimin's life and he would like to still be there for the next ones.



and jimin told him his. how he was able to start a business and learned to live on his own, and how much confident he is now with the works he do, and how yoongi helped him in every step and how he is still helping him move forward.





somewhere during their talk, jimin realized that it's not really just love that makes the relationship work. it's a whole lot of other things and it starts with yourself. you have to be complete and you have to do it yourself, for yourself. you cannot depend on other people to fill the gaps and voids in you and make you whole.



you love yourself. understand yourself. figure things out about yourself. find yourself and constantly find yourself.



you do all these before you can offer yourself to someone else. because if you do, you will be able to give much to them without emptying yourself. you will know better to put yourself first. it may sound selfish but that's how it should be. and then you work simultaneously to continue filling up yourself even until it overflows, and that will nurture the relationship you have.



you just simply have to be there for yourself first.



in the process of coming back to the house they sailed away from, they found a new resting place within themselves. lucky for them, they are able to re-build their home, with a stronger foundation and with grander amount of love.



—

this may be my story or inspired by 'the hows of us'



song i listened to :)



find me here too :)

[atthegeniusfactory]

a second chance.

jihoon does not believe in second chances. 

not until he was the one desperately hoping for it. 

the second chance to have the stars align for him and soonyoung. 

five years. 

jihoon waited and prayed every passing time for the universe to give in to his pleas. for the universe to get irritated with his unending chant and decide to just let him have his second chance. 

he feels pathetic. he was the one to blame why he lost soonyoung in the first place, yet here he is. down on two bended knees, hands together, eyes shut tight, desperately calling for the universe again. 

he wanted to ask his friends for soonyoung. he itched asking about the other man's life right now, where he was, if he was doing okay. if he is at least happier now. 

but jihoon avoided it. 

he kept the promise he silently made after soonyoung left their door. jihoon promised to let soonyoung be free and happy. to let soonyoung heal from him, himself, and the world. to let himself heal as well. 

jihoon recognized his faults but it was too late. soonyoung was already burning and with the only little part of him untouched by the flame, he took courage too back away from the source of fire—jihoon. 

despite wanting to ran after soonyoung, jihoon allowed himself to recover. little by little, he began picking up the scattered pieces of himself. it was hard. some days he wondered what if soonyoung was with him still through it all. the other would gladly help him find his missing pieces, support him in putting back and fixing all the mismatched parts of himself.

but jihoon did not know better and chose to isolate himself, cage in his feelings and let it weigh him down until he couldn't get up anymore and all he could do was lash out everyone around him and bring them down with him. 

jihoon had imagined it. every possible situation where he might end up meeting soonyoung again. 

at jun's studio. at the diner two streets away from the studio. at the ice cream shop near their old university. at the sushi restaurant hidden in an alley they stumbled upon while having a night walk. at the park. at the street on his way to work. at the mall. in another country, japan perhaps. 

but never in front of his door. 

never with soonyoung who's hand was stopped midair as if he was about to knock. at jihoon's door. never with soonyoung looking so beautiful dressed in a plaid shirt and grey sweats. his imagination did not give justice to the beauty soonyoung possessed. 

jihoon had imagined every scenario of this moment in his head so he would know what to do. but right now, all he could do was let a tear fall from his eye. one, two, three, five, eight. he lost count of the tears racing down his cheeks. he could feel all his remaining energy draining and what's the best thing he could think of but to pull soonyoung close to him and engulf him in a desperate, longing hug. 

soonyoung.

nyong, i'm sorry. 

i'm sorry. 

darling.

baby, forgive me.

i'm sorry. 

jagiya. 

i miss you. 

those were the few jihoon kept calling out as he kept tightening his hold on the other. he burried his face on the taller man's chest. and soonyoung had his arm rubbing jihoon's back and the other brushing his hair. he didn't say anything but it was enough for jihoon. 

—

a little something for valentine's day :-)

love yourself fully. give yourself an overflowing love so when you meet the person for you, you have much to give without having to lose.

song i listened to while writing

[twitter]

[atthegeniusfactory]

untitled

wonwoo briefs him one more time about the interview, reminding him that he has to finish on time so they could catch his flight to los angeles at night. he reads the script for him again as he sat at the back of the car sipping his coffee. 

today marks the sixth year anniversary of writer lee jihoon. today he will also reveal the end of his series because tomorrow, jihoon hopes he could finally write something else.

"ji, are you really sure about this? the questions, you sure you will answer all of them?" wonwoo asked him one last time when he gets his make-up done. 

"you look more nervous than i am." jihoon tried to sound like he isn’t on the verge of running away but the faint tone of uncertainty could not escape wonwoo's ear. 

"you know i'm proud of you, yeah? not just as your manager but as your best friend first too." jihoon understands and he could only smile at him. a genuine one because he, too, is actually proud of himself. finally. 

the interview goes on as written on the script. seungcheol is one of the journalists he became closed with throughout his career. jihoon trusts him enough to write only what is necessary and true. the set feels more comfortable than he expected and he was glad. jihoon smiles when he was asked about his fans and their reactions on his novels. it was also his cue that the more awaited questions will follow soon. 

"and you know you're fans have been intrigued about you and your writing process. many have been asking about the famous lee jihoon's love story that allows him to be able to write relatable characters with heart warming stories. today we will finally hear you answering these questions. i feel so grateful to be the one asking and hearing it first!" jihoon smiles through it all as seungcheol exclaimed looking at him then back at the camera teasing their future viewers. he discreetly takes a deep breath and when he does, his anxious eyes met his best friend’s encouraging ones. it's time. 

"and of course i'll go straight with the most asked question, what is lee jihoon's love story?" 

✳���✳︎✳︎✳︎✳︎

it happened when he was twenty one and in a club. he was the youngest of the group and the last to officially turn as a legal adult. his college friends, if he can call them that, back then was so firm on making him celebrate his legality “the true man's way,” drinking liquors and smoking cigarettes that are not bought with a fake id. 

they were so adamant on having jihoon break his rules—no drinking alcohols, no smoking, no piercings and tattoos. jihoon had found excuses before when he was invited to sneak inside bars or take five minute cigarette breaks in between classes at the back of their building. 

call it peer pressure. he can't leave the group because then he would be alone. he thought it was easier to pretend to fit in and be part of something than be alone and have everyone look pity on you. jihoon convinces himself that they were actually fun to be with for the most part. they're good people, he tells himself even after he found out that there's a group chat of everyone except for him. 

and just so they could stop bothering him, he agreed to go to a club in hongdae. tells himself this is the last time he will see them anyway. they are graduating in two months and they would definitely cut ties with him after. 

not even forty minutes after they entered, jihoon finds himself searching for the exit. he was able to dodge all the drinks passed to him. he was tempted at one point because he paid for half of it but then lets it go. he was introduced to different people, mostly girls who act like they have known him since forever, praising him for his studies and more for his muscles. jihoon started working out and lifting weights last month and he thinks he's making progress if not for the girls trying to touch him up everywhere. 

he saw the red exit sign and was almost relieved to be finally out of that clammy place but only to be greeted by the smell of burnt fog and cigarette butts on the ground. jihoon quickly scrunched his nose and waved his hand to dismiss the smoke coming his way. 

"wrong exit, buddy.” jihoon turned to the only person standing there with him. 

he watched as the blonde man takes one last hit of his smoke before turning around to let it out. jihoon raised his brow at that but thanked him in his mind. he stood there with no idea of what else to do aside from having to watch the other threw his cigarette on the floor and stepped on it. 

he eyed the blonde man who is certainly taller than him given the fact that jihoon is below average of what society perceives as a standard for a man's height. it was dimly lit in the area except for one blinking light bulb above the exit door. he tried to move himself a little to the left so he could see the man's face more. 

it was the first time, ever, that night that jihoon thinks he sees a man so beautiful that no other girl inside that stuffy room could compare. 

the man moves around to take a lollipop out of the front of pocket of his plaid shirt and a faint light shined on his face. jihoon noticed his eyes, small and slanting slightly upward on a perfect angle that if he smiled, jihoon swears it would look like a clock at exactly 10:10. 

when the stranger in front of him took the lollipop to his lips, jihoon almost wanted to snatch some air. his thin lips looked a little pouting, quite inviting if jihoon tried to spend more time staring at it. his jaws could definitely cut paper but his cheeks. when the man popped the lollipop on one side, jihoon could almost feel how soft and squishy his cheeks were. 

he was taken aback when someone opened the door and he was almost hit by it. two men stood behind him and started lighting their cigarettes. jihoon looked lost, literally because he doesn't know the place.

the first mistake he did that night was to agree to his friends in coming along. second was looking up at the blonde man in front of him at that moment and following him out in the streets. 

opposite of what he expected to happen, which was similar to a scene picked straight out of a thriller movie, the blonde man seemed decent enough. they walked together with a good distance between them. he also offered a vanilla flavored lollipop to which jihoon gladly accepted. the blonde man only asked him if he was okay when they were two blocks away from the club and to a much quieter street. jihoon only nodded and no one dared to talk the entire time after.

honestly, jihoon has no idea why he kept following the man and why the other does not look bothered at all. he wanted to break the ice first, maybe introduce himself or ask for his name so he could stop calling him blonde man in his head and thank him properly. but he’s not good at meeting new people and there’s a lollipop stuck in his mouth.

they stopped at a convenience store not long after and before jihoon could take the candy off his mouth and talk, the blonde man has already turned his back walking on the same street they just went to. 

jihoon thought it was his third mistake that night, not getting his name or his number.

life continued for jihoon and he eventually forgot about the blonde man. he graduated, spent a month back in busan to be with his mom, got his first job as a production assistant and then moved back permanently to seoul.

jihoon was able to build a new routine. he wakes up at 6, leaves his apartment at 7, and reach their office at 7:45. sometimes he eats lunch with jeonghan and wonwoo, his workmates who he found himself genuinely liking. most days he eats alone on the way to sets or shoots. he comes home at 9, sleeps at 11, and the cycle continues.

he could tell how much different his life is now just because he is surrounded with people who doesn’t force him to open up and do things he doesn’t like to. jihoon learned not to care about what people thinks of him. somehow. he just really wants to live freely. 

some nights jeonghan would invite him for a drink with his other friends and jihoon learned how to say no. jeonghan did not ask more when he said he doesn’t drink, but he would still always invite him nonetheless.

jihoon found himself tagging along with wonwoo a lot more specially on saturdays. one time during lunch, wonwoo asked him if he likes to play computer games and he said yes. next thing he knew, he is sitting in a pc bang fighting with wonwoo because he lost in a match. it was the first time he learned about wonwoo and met mingyu, wonwoo’s boyfriend. 

jihoon was assigned to a new project and was lucky to be working with wonwoo and jeonghan. it was for a tv campaign promoting korea’s music and dance. they had to travel and shoot at five different sites for this project and he’s just relieved that he has wonwoo and jeonghan beside him to share the struggles. 

the last site for the shoot was in busan. everyone were busy and dreading for it to end already. the project was really good, from the concept, the message, the locations, the sets, and even the hired singers and dancers. if jihoon was asked, he would say it’s one of his favorite yet.

especially when he locked eyes with the man who just came in. jihoon might have forgotten about the existence of the blonde man but definitely not those eyes.

and he was not blonde anymore. he has his hair dyed in jet black, cut short with the sides fading. oh, and he has an eyebrow slit. jihoon stood there frozen and he saw as the realization hits the other man as well. his small eyes and thin lips both opening wider. if not for wonwoo who nudged jihoon’s side, he would have stayed there for hours. what’s there to be surprised about seeing the not-blonde man again? it was not like they shared something from the past.

the shoot went perfectly well just like the other times. jihoon learned that the man’s name is soonyoung and is a professional dancer based in pohang. he is the leader of the group moonwalkers who were invited for today’s shoot. jihoon noticed also how wonwoo and soonyoung seemed close to each other. he saw them talking and laughing lightly around each other. jihoon might have passed it off knowing that wonwoo handled contacting the artists, but wonwoo have not acted like this before with other clients. 

“didn’t know you’re close with them?” jihoon whispered beside wonwoo. they are standing behind the monitor watching soonyoung take his individual shots. 

"i'm friends with him. we were on the same circle in high school." wonwoo answered. then he looked at the shorter guy beside him who has his eyes glued to the monitor. if wonwoo raised a brow with a plotting smile on his face, jihoon would not have known. 

everyone bowed and clapped after the director shouted "it's a wrap!" sighs of relief and joy can be heard and they were all absolutely happy to be packing up. jihoon was busy talking with other heads and assistants, double checking if they completed all their shots and inserts. when they were done, wonwoo was quick to pull him on the side where a certain black haired man was standing anxiously. 

before jihoon could protest and understand what's happening, he was already standing in front of him. if he could just glare at wonwoo and smack him in the head right now, he would. 

"soons, this is jihoon. jihoon, soonyoung. there! i have done my job. you can now ask the other things to each other. don't act like kids please i know you are each other's type if not for the questions earlier. bye!" wonwoo had the audacity to laugh and push the two closer to each other before walking away. jihoon turned and wanted to protest at wonwoo but soonyoung called him. 

"jihoon." like there was a magic bound with his name. the way soonyoung said it, blanketed with warmth, tenderness and fondness. soft against the deepness of his voice. jihoon inhaled sharply before facing him. 

just like that night four years ago,  jihoon thinks (no, he knows) that he has never seen someone so beautiful and breathtaking like the man standing in front of him. 

"soonyoung."

jihoon knew better to get soonyoung's number before they separated ways that day. soonyoung beats him to it though. they stayed in contact, exchanging messages and greetings every day. from good morning! good luck with ur job today hope u dont get into a fight with one of ur bosses to good night rest well and relax your body i know you did so well today teaching the kids.

sometimes the two would meet if soonyoung travels to seoul for a few days of dance workshop or when jihoon was assigned near wherever soonyoung is dancing or teaching. the two learned a lot about the other. how jihoon can't eat (live) without coke on his side and how he wanted to pursue music at first. how soonyoung is quite (not) obsessed with tigers and started living independently at a young age to purse dance. the two talk endlessly, never not having stories to converse about. they talk but never about that first night. 

jihoon dragged himself out of their building. he is not one to initiate skinship unless he feels extremely drained and out of it. tonight was one of those night. clinging and leaning his head next to wonwoo who was indulging him of his antics and holding hands with jeonghan who finds everything annoyingly sweet. it was not all the time that jihoon gets to be like this with them or anyone else. 

"heads up." wonwoo shrugged his shoulder causing jihoon's head to bounce and earning a deathly glare from the smaller. still sporting an annoyed look on his face, jihoon looked to where wonwoo was pointing. 

there he saw soonyoung waving at him while leaning on his car. he saw how his smiles turned from a small, shy and gentle one to a big excited one, so big it takes up his whole face and made his eyes disappear. jihoon found it endearing. calming. heartwarming. jihoon felt free from all the heaviness weighing him down. 

jihoon thought he might have found a resting place in soonyoung's gentle and genuine smiles. 

it was a real surprise for soonyoung to be in seoul, standing in front of jihoon that night. they did not talk about meeting up this week or the next because soonyoung was busy for an upcoming competition and jihoon with a new project. 

but soonyoung drove to seoul tonight. not for the reason that he has a workshop to attend to, but because he simply wanted to see jihoon. 

they ordered chinese takeouts and drove near han river. from their frequent meet ups during the past months, they found a not-so-hidden area near the river. it was away from the usual spots people sit at to enjoy seoul at night, but not too quiet for it to feel shady and unsafe. 

they ate, talked, sometimes pausing and spending quiet moments to listen to the faint music from someone busking near them. 

"why are you here tonight?" jihoon have been itching to ask since he walked up to soonyoung earlier in front of their building. 

soonyoung did not hesitate to answer him truthfully, “i missed you.”

the music fade out and stopped and the people running and cycling in front of them paused midway, and all that jihoon could see in that moment was how happy and animated soonyoung looked while munching on a big piece of mandu (he tried to eat it in one go making his cheeks puff). all jihoon could see was how bright and light life has been since meeting the other: how there was a reason to wake up each morning because there would always be a good morning message waiting to be read, how there would be chats or voice messages in the middle of the day reminding him to breathe, eat, relax, and enjoy work, and how there would always be a “job well done today! good night, ji!” to end the day.

jihoon wanted to tell the same three words but he couldn’t, as if those words were leashed to his core. what was so wrong in telling a friend that you missed him? 

“i like you.”

those three words made the world around jihoon deafening and suffocating. suddenly the music was playing louder like the bass was placed right next to his ear and every booming goes straight into his heart and people were running frantically, distraught with thousands of thoughts going in on their minds, and jihoon was looking at the fifteen year old version of himself.

when he first had to entertain the idea of admiring another man. when he witnessed how the entire school mocked a boy for confessing to another upperman. when his cousins would tease him for his small figure and pale skin. when he tried to tell his mom about this one boy and he ended up going to a church camp for a week. when he tried his best to hide the blush on his cheeks everytime joshua, his senior, would invite him for a basketball game after class. and when he ran away fast from the gym when joshua said the same three words. 

back then, jihoon feared the consequences of confessing to another man. the look of disgust from other people, the possibility of his mother sending him back to camp, the never-ending teasing and mocking, and having to go through school without any friends.

and now, jihoon still fears it. he knows better but he still can’t overcome his fears.

so he kept dismissing soonyoung and his antics, kept rejecting the admiration the other was showing, kept saying no. it goes on for five years because soonyoung said he can wait and he will.

but soonyoung got tired too, and left. there was nothing big and dramatic with how he said goodbye. jihoon knew that eventually the other will get tired of him, of waiting. somehow, he expected it to come.

soonyoung showed up in front of his apartment unexpectedly. he knew he was in seoul for a few days to attend a dance workshop and today was his last day. they had agreed they could not meet up because of their schedules and would just plan for another trip. 

so jihoon was surprised when he heard his doorbell in the middle of the night. he was confused when he saw soonyoung from the camera monitor. he definitely knew the passcode to jihoon’s apartment and would sometimes even invite himself in so why was he ringing his doorbell this time. jihoon stood uncomfortably when he opened the door for him and was not welcomed by a big yet gentle crushing hug from a smiling soonyoung. and he already knew how the night would end. 

that it would end up with soonyoung driving back again for two hours to reach pohang and he would never have another reason again to go to seoul aside from attending workshops. that there would be no good morning message tomorrow when he wakes up and the days after. that there would be no more spontaneous trips outside seoul. no more visiting different cities where the other would be, teaching kids how to bend their bodies properly and how to dance gracefully. no more soonyoung appearing randomly in front of his office or in his kitchen cooking his favorite meal. just no more soonyoung in his life after this night.

when soonyoung got no response from him after their talk, he stood up and left. jihoon wanted to run after him, grab his arm, hug him tight. he wanted to say “don’t.” wanted to beg if he could wait just a little more. but jihoon can’t do that to him anymore, can’t add more pain to soonyoung’s already breaking heart. so he remained on his couch, watched the taller man wear his shoes and walk out the door. not once looking back at him.

✳︎✳︎✳︎✳︎✳︎

"so when did you realize you were actually in love with him?" seungcheol asked. 

"when he walked out my door and never came back."

✳︎✳︎✳︎✳︎✳︎

jihoon was supposed to stay for a few months and take a break at los angeles, but he ended up staying permanently. it was a big decision he made three months into his break. he found the new city and the new life refreshing, like he actually had a restart in life. in this new city, he explored, questioned, and accepted his true self. he met people who shared the same stories and allowed him to come out peacefully. the new city embraced him warmly and it was enough to make him stay. 

wonwoo moved to los angeles as well, together with mingyu. it was hard working with jihoon through video calls and emails alone. fortunately, mingyu got a contract with an agency based in los angeles and so they decided right away to fly to the other side of the world. they also bought an apartment on the same building as jihoon’s with wonwoo reasoning that he missed his best friend and his cooking a lot. 

jihoon held a book signing event for the celebration of his first book after his hiatus. he was surprised and thankful that a lot of people still came to support him despite being away for five years.

he gleefully greeted everyone, spending a good few minutes talking with each one and signing their books. he remembered a few from years back and bowed at them thankfully for waiting for him and for traveling to los angeles just to see him. 

“thank you. enjoy the reading.” jihoon bowed and smiled at the fan. 

he turned to wonwoo on his side to ask for the time left but wonwoo was looking at something with a shocked looked on his face. jihoon immediately turned to where he was staring but was greeted by a man—blonde, a good few inches taller than him, and wearing a pink plaid shirt. 

jihoon wanted to punch the universe for bringing him back to the same sight he had fourteen years ago. the difference was just now, soonyoung was standing next to someone jihoon was quite familiar with.

“hi! it’s been a while, ji!” 

jihoon took a quick deep breath before smiling and greeting jun properly, “glad you’re here still, jun.” 

soonyoung looked surprised, looking between jihoon and jun. “you know him?” soonyoung said directed to jihoon.

“jun is quite a special reader. i don’t think i’ll forget him.” jihoon answered as he opens the book jun placed in front of him.

“babe i told you! i’m not delusional!” 

the pen jihoon was holding floats in the air for some seconds before he continued writing. jun was telling him how we waited patiently and knew he would come back eventually. jun told him how he finally met his own first love and how he was lucky to marry him. jihoon took a quick glance on both their hands and understood. 

jihoon congratulated them, thanked jun again for being a loving fan, and smiled at them genuinely. soonyoung didn’t say anything after and just waited patiently at the side for his lover. 

soonyoung smiled at him warmly before leaving the line and jihoon knew. it was the end of his chapter in soonyoung’s life. the closure he needed to finally be able to move forward and let go of his regrets, what ifs, and what could have beens.

when he came home that night, he opened a document that was sitting untouched for five years now. finally, jihoon can end this story. 

untitled

the end. 

—

been writing this for a long time now and i really want to write it beautifully. wanted to add a lot about jihoon discovering himself and dealing with his sexuality but i feel like i wont give it much justice and i wouldnt be able to write it ... good ?? hahaha i still have a lot to learn when writing and conveying messages especially with a topic this heavy.

would love to hear your thoughts or feedback on this one :)

[twitter]

[atthegeniusfactory]

la la lost you

soonyoung knocked on jihoon’s room although he was aware the other would not hear it. 

there he was again, in front of his laptop with his headphones on. hands mimicking drumming and his head casually bopping to the beat. jihoon was working on a three samples he has to submit for a recording studio. he received an invite two weeks ago to join a competition held by this company. they were looking for aspiring musicians to debut under their label and jihoon is definitely one aspiring musician for years now.

soonyoung sat on the couch and waited for the other to notice him. this is one thing he loves about jihoon—his passion for music. you can’t even separate the two words. if you talk about jihoon, music follows. it’s his life. and to get a first row seat and watch him do his magic is something soonyoung takes pride off. it’s just a wonderful, and sexy, view.

soonyoung busied himself with his phone until he fell asleep.

hours after, he woke up and was greeted by a sleeping jihoon. cute. he found himself laying on down on jihoon’s lap. he has his eyes closed, mouth slightly pouting, one hand placed gently on his side and the other still tangled on his hair. he tried to shift for a more comfortable position but the other was awakened. 

bending forward, jihoon kissed his forehead. “did you rest well?” soonyoung nodded before asking the same. he curled himself closer facing the other and hugged his waist. “you’ve been working too much again.” he whispered in pout. 

they stayed silent like that. it’s comforting. both soonyoung and jihoon are not the chatty type of people. there were days where they don’t talk much but knew what the other is meaning to say or feeling, or some days they are too chatty than normal and it’s an interesting sight to see. they totally understand each other. it’s weird, but it’s them.

“jjajangmyun.”

“jjajangmyun?”

the two exclaimed at the same time. soonyoung looked up at the other who’s already grinning at him. they could only giggle and look at each other amusingly. 

they walked out of their little apartment and made way to their favorite chinese restaurant nearby. jihoon walks beside him with both hands on his jacket. it’s nearing december and it has been quite chilly lately. soonyoung slipped his hand in the other’s pocket and held hands. jihoon looked up at him surprised but didn’t let go. it’s not always that jihoon allows him to act this way in public. jihoon doesn’t like public display of affection, wary of what other people might say. so soonyoung savored the moment.

— 

“why do i look more nervous than you?” soonyoung said as he watches the other hit the ‘send’ button. today’s the deadline for the mixtape jihoon’s been working on and he looks too calm about it. he just shrugged at soonyoung before stretching his back and reclining on his chair.

“what do you want to do? i’m free from work for a while.” jihoon asked, turning to face soonyoung properly, hands reaching out at the taller one’s waist and pulling him down on his lap. like muscle memory, soonyoung’s hands moved across jihoon’s shoulders before connecting at the back of his neck. 

beautiful. it’s what both of them thought at that exact moment while staring at each other with a soft smile on their faces. soonyoung’s hands play with the ends of jihoon’s hair as jihoon softly draws circles on soonyoung’s bare waist. 

“lee jihoon.” soonyoung called and moved closer, brushing the tips of their noses together. jihoon tried to look at him suspisciously but there’s an adoring smile on his lips. soonyoung teased him more with small pecks all over his face before finally closing the gap between their lips.

“so that was your plan when i asked what you wanted to do hmm?” soonyoung burried his face on jihoon’s neck, face still red and burning from their makeout session. he giggled and instead of answering, he leaves gentle pecks on the other’s neck. 

“kwon soonyoung.” jihoon called out as he tried to push the other away. he was not exerting enough force though, so soonyoung knew he was just playing around. he continued leaving wet kisses on his neck and god knows how long their heated session lasted.

—

a week after, jihoon got an email with “congratulations” and “welcome to the company.” the night he received the email, they celebrated over dinner with both of their families and closest friends. the next day he got a call for a meeting and next thing he went home with a signed contract on his hands. the next week was filled with meetings after meetings and dinners with people he only dreamed of meeting before. the next months were packed with schedules and guesting on local radio and tv shows and shoots for his first single release.

soonyoung stood beside him through all of it. waking up earlier for the both of them, preparing breakfast and packed snacks. he drove jihoon to and from shoots and gigs. sometimes he would wait for him outside his company building. he cheered for him from the audience while the other was doing interviews and shows. he waits for him at nights when jihoon had to come home later than usual. soonyoung never forgets to send him a good morning and good luck messages when he has to leave and work earlier. 

five months into jihoon’s debut, the two got invited over a meeting. soonyoung asked why he needed to be there and the other won’t tell him why. but soonyoung isn’t oblivious. not with how jihoon has been acting lately.

jihoon holds his hand tightly under the table when his manager broke down the news that their relationship must be kept hidden from the public. that soonyoung have to be kept hidden. that it might not be a “good image” for a starting musician like jihoon to be in a relationship with a guy because from where they live, it was still considered a taboo. jihoon’s manager gave reasons after reasons like he rehearsed and thought about it a thousand times already.

jihoon’s just starting to make a name as woozi.

he needs a strong image to stay in the industry for a long time.

he just have to set his priorities right.

the manager gave them a week to talk and settle everything. they went home and no one dared to utter a word until they reached their apartment. 

soonyoung went straight to their room. he sat on his side of the bed, grabbed his favorite tiger plushy and held it close to his chest. jihoon was trailing behind anxiously like a cat who just lost his owner. he kneeled in front of him and laid his head on soonyoung’s knees. no one spoke for a few minutes. it was silent except for their heavy sighs and every drop of soonyoung’s silent tears down his face. it wasn’t comforting.

“yong.” jihoon was the first to break the silence, reaching out for soonyoung’s hands. as if someone finally opened the gates of a dam, soonyoung burst into tears, unable to silence his wails. 

soonyoung understands though. he knows how much this meant to jihoon and he won’t make him choose. he cannot let him do that. it’s normal to feel hurt and disappointed. it’s normal to fight for it because it was not like they were hidding in the first place. the staff jihoon worked with before only knew they were a couple because they saw them holding hands or be intimate with each other, which was very rare since jihoon was was not one to display affection in public. and it was doing them good instead because of course they know how toxic this industry and this place is.

one thing soonyoung felt most saddened about was that he felt betrayed by the other. for not telling it personally. for already having a decision beforehand. for doubting him and not trusting him, them, their relationship. just for not communicating at all.

soonyoung would never stand in the way for jihoon’s dreams. 

—

today, jihoon celebrates his third anniversary since his debut and they are hosting a special fan meeting. soonyoung smiled at the thought of jihoon having thousands of people hearing his music, appreciating his craft, and supporting him with his works. before, it was only him, their families and friends, and the few people who come across his profile on soundcloud.

the show began with jihoon singing two songs from his latest album. like always, soonyoung sit in awe with how much different woozi is from the lee jihoon he knew. woozi stood tall, confident with his strides across the stage as he drags the microphone around, singing emotionally and effortlessly. he glows under the spotlight and soonyoung was then reminded how he truly belongs to be up there on the stage.

a small talk show was held with yoon jeonghan as the host. “let’s get to know lee jihoon more. who really lee jihoon is. let’s start simple!” 

when jihoon signed contract with his company, he took down all his music posted on soundcloud. he made private his social media accounts and created a public one solely for engaging with fans and promotions. no one knew of him aside from other underground artists he collaborated with that time. he kept his personal life separated and away from the spotlight.

“favorite color?” “black.”

“jjangmyun or ramen?” “oh that’s nice. i actually like to mix jjangmyun and spicy ramen together.”

“coat or padded jacket?” “padded jackets”

“best ice cream flavor?” “vanilla.”

“lights on or lights off?” the crowd laughed and cheered when jeonghan suddenly dropped the question. soonyoung felt all the heat rise up to his neck, he wanted to run away. “lights on.”

“sex or chocolates?” “chocolates after sex.”

“single or taken?”

there was a moment of silence. for the past years, jihoon’s fans have been prying on his love life. maybe because of his songs, or the people he worked with who ended up being linked with him as well. not once did they commented on any question or article about it.

“single.”

two years passed since their break up. it was mutual, a decision they talked about for two hours. soonyoung smiled sadly to himself as he remembered that night where six years of the happiest moments of his life ended within two hours. 

it was never the same after the night jihoon talked to his manager alone agreeing to their new set up. everything became too heavy, too fragile, too dull. there was an uncomfortable tension present around them and having each other was not enough. sleeping together at the end of the day did not felt exciting anymore. love was not enough to keep their relationship going. it was unspoken but they both felt it.

“we can leave if you want.” wonwoo whispered beside him. he looked at him sadly, full of concern, almost pitiful. 

soonyoung looked back at the stage one last time. 

you’re finally there, living your dream. i hope you’re the happiest, ji. i will be here for you. you have me, always.

soonyoung nodded at wonwoo, giving him a reassuring smile that all is okay. everything will be okay. wonwoo stood up first, bending a little not to obstruct other people’s view. soonyoung followed behind him, bending a little lower not to get any attention.

but the venue was not that big.

jihoon noticed someone getting up from the back row while he was talking. he was supposed to ignore it but then he saw a familiar grey tie dye long sleeves. he knew it too well, he has the same one kept under piles of other matching clothes tucked in a corner of his closet. 

“jagiyaa- oh?” 

soonyoung entered jihoon’s studio and found the other playing with his new guitar. what he noticed next was the long sleeves the other was wearing. he looked down on his own, a cheeky smile growing on his face.

when he looked up jihoon was already shaking his head, acting as if he was in disbelief. soonyoung laughed heartily, his eyes disappearing behind the fullness of his cheeks. he gestured a big heart with his hands over his head. jihoon pulled his shirt and he fell down on the smaller’s lap. jihoon began tickling him and soonyoung kept laughing.

“i swear! i didn’t know! i didn’t even see you leaving earlier hmp!” soonyoung’s pout was immediately replaced by a big laugh as jihoon tickled him still. 

it was one of the moments jihoon treasured the most. he watched for the second time as soonyoung walks back away from him. each second, he is disappearing from his sight. what if we stayed? what if we put up a fight? it was tough but what if we held on a little longer? a little tighter?

there was not a single time he regret the decision he made years ago—to leave the love of his life to live the life he always dreamt of. 

—

crosswalks in my mind are shaky, so please hold on tight

[twitter]

[atthegeniusfactory]

lie to me and don't let me go

yoongi is not oblivious like how others would say. if not, he thinks he is the most observant. he just likes to keep things to himself.

not like it was a big thing when jimin didn't send him a message reminding him not to skip lunch. or when jimin would send a short notice and "hyung you can go straight home and have dinner if you're hungry :( i'll be late again tonight i'm sowwwyyy :("

yoongi would simply drive away from the other's company. maybe he forgot that today was wednesday and that yoongi clocks out of work at 4pm. it's not a big deal. jimin was probably busy with work considering it was the end of the month. yoongi understands.

he always does. even when it became frequent that he stopped bothering going to the younger's company to drive home together. even when he noticed that it has been three saturdays in a row now that they skipped movie night because jimin was out with his new friends.

it's fine, yoongi would always remind himself before going to sleep. alone like how it has been the past weeks.

it's fine, yoongi would tell himself again in the morning as he stares at jimin's back facing him.

"lie to me."

jimin was not oblivious. not when yoongi would always look at his eyes when they wake up. not when yoongi stopped leaving dinner for him to heat up when he goes home. not when he felt yoongi stopped trying at all because he did first.

if yoongi asked him the same thing years ago, jimin would have probably replied a quick "i can't, hyung." because he could never lie to him. jimin swore honesty five years ago and he's keen on keeping his promises.

it should not be hard for him to say "i would never lie to you." but it's different now.

yoongi must have thought that he was still asleep. he turned around and saw the man he swore eternity with. the man who allowed him to feel loved, happy and secured for once and never stopped.

but along the way, jimin tripped and felt lost.

"i love you, hyung."

yoongi nodded, and like most days lately, they had breakfast in silence. yoongi drove him to his company. no music playing, no jimin singing his heart out to taylor swift and yoongi belting his lungs out.

jimin said a quick "thank you, hyung" before he stepped out of the car and yoongi gave him his sweetest smile.

he was not expecting for the older to pick him up after work. nor receiving a text that he was home already. and jimin was not expecting a bowl of his favorite dish on their dining table.

he mindlessly picked up the bowl to place inside the refrigerator, making a mental note to heat it up for breakfast instead.

jimin was not expecting a folded piece of paper under the bowl.

jimin-ah, i love you.

with the note crumpled between his fist, he rushed to their bedroom only to find no creases on their bed. no shape of yoongi sleeping peacefully. no several black shirts hanging on their closet. no yoongi's favorite lotion on his bed side table.

no trace of yoongi at all.

along the way, jimin tripped and felt lost. he doubted the love they shared and had for years. yoongi learned how to fill all the voids of his cracked walls and he did it so easily. so when a little crack appeared on his life once again, he began doubting everything else.

and maybe it was his mistake to let the crack grow bigger instead of patching it up and confiding with yoongi. maybe it was his mistake that he lied to yoongi that time. because jimin for sure loves yoongi still, always.

-

i was dumb to let you drift away and though i guess it had to come to an end no one else could have the love we shared

-

[twitter]

[atthegeniusfactory]

i will never change

it seemed like his friends made it a goal to not let jihoon spend a single day stuck in his hotel room during their japan trip. each day, someone would barge in his room and pull him out of his bed to go out, eat somewhere, or just simply take a walk outside. 

jihoon never said no to them and they never really have to beg and force him. he just likes to tease them more when they start acting cutely. 

the day is almost ending and to his surprise, no one has knocked on his door yet. jihoon spent his time as usual when he’s locked up; laying down all day, watching anime, making music, and ordering food. he tried not to look at the door from time to time. one time he thought he heard someone knocking that he turned his head so quick his neck cracked. he mentally slapped himself.

he’s talking with their manager asking what food to have for dinner. while scrolling through the restaurant’s endless menu, he heard a soft knock on the door. his thumb paused moving, body freezing, he stopped breathing for a while and waited for another clearer knock. 

nothing came. jihoon wanted to jump out of frustration because why is he so nervous and expectant? with a much defined pout on his lips, he went back to scrolling on his phone. he is probably just hungry that he began to hear things, he tried convinced himself.

as he opens his phone, he heard it again. two soft knocks on his door. he didn't move an inch and waited for whoever is on the other side to come in. his members know he doesn't really lock his door. 

he counts mentally, deciding if he'd ask who's there. 

one. two. three. four. five. si-

his phone pinged and lit up. 

jihoon-ah are you sleeping?

he stared at the two notifications on his phone then on the door. now jihoon is so sure he wants to jump and throw himself out. he can't face him yet.

his phone pinged once more and he panicked, tossing around and pulling his blankets to hide underneath. 

manager hyung was asking if you decided what to order yet.  i can here you rolling on your bed.  im coming in. 

jihoon thinks this is the longest time he ever held his breath and stayed still. hiding under his blankets, he can hear when the door opens, the light footsteps he's quite familiar with. 

he tried his best to listen for the other's movements, sensing where he's standing, planning which way to turn to avoid making eye contact with him. he chose a very awkward position and his left arm is starting to feel numb from carrying most of his weight. but he doesn't want to move first. 

he feels it, someone coming closer. hears the fast beating on his chest. sees the softest pair of eyes he's been trying to avoid the past days.  

soonyoung giggled seeing the shock on jihoon's face, watching the contours of his face change as he realized what's happening and how close he is. before jihoon can snatch the blanket closer, soonyoung was able to lift it higher. jihoon is stronger though so he pulled fiercely and tucked himself in. 

soonyoung can only sit back on the floor, laughing softly as he shakes his head. he missed this. they both do. 

"shut up." 

"come on, dinner's on me."

and jihoon never says no to them, especially not on soonyoung. but sometimes jihoon likes to tease him more than the others and have him begging and forcing him out. and sometimes soonyoung doesn't like it and it ends up with them frustrated and avoiding each other for days. 

jihoon doesn't know where they are headed. friday nights in japan is not really silent at all but the two walks silently with soonyoung guiding him through alleyways. they have been walking for fifteen minutes now and jihoon thinks they're headed nowhere. 

before he can ask, he felt soonyoung's hand on his back steering him towards another alleyway. he saw lights coming from the only restaurant present and figured it's where they are headed. 

"how did you find this place?" he broke the silence as they were ushered inside. the restaurant smells of karage and curry and ramen and honestly jihoon is just so hungry right now. 

"mingyu did. said he went here with dk and the food's great." soonyoung pulled out a chair for jihoon and sat next to him like how they always do. jihoon thought he'd sit in front of him tonight since the two have not made up yet. 

or maybe they already did when soonyoung first knocked on his door. 

the two spent dinner enjoying their food and catching up, asking where the other went, what food they ate, what things soonyoung bought impulsively yet again. they spent the night laughing and falling in each other's arms. jihoon had to cover the taller's mouth when he laughs loudly and soonyoung slides down on his seat a little so jihoon can lean comfortably on his shoulder. 

"do you want to stay for a while?" jihoon asked when they stopped in front of his hotel room. 

"i'll wash up first and come back. you do too, okay?" jihoon nodded and he understood what soonyoung meant.

he cleans up his room a bit after washing up. fixed his bed and placed two pillows on top of the other on the left side. minutes after, soonyoung entered and laid down next to him immediately. 

like clockwork, their bodies tangled up. jihoon rests his head on soonyoung's firm chest and hugs his tiny waist a little too tightly. soonyoung found his hand gently brushing through the smaller's soft hair and the other caressing the arm wrapped around him. 

"i'm sorry."

"i'm sorry too. i missed you."

"hmm. i love you."

"i love you too."

—

no matter what happens don't worry, i'm by your side

i want you  protect you who's sleeping next to me in this night

—

happy birthday, our jihoon ❤️

[twitter]

[atthegeniusfactory]

a soulmate who wasn't meant to be

mingyu escaped from the reception hall with two cans of beer in hand. he saw a pond nearby earlier and decided it was a nice place to rest and breathe for a while.

what surprised him was that there’s someone also hiding in that place. 

“hey.” mingyu sat on the swing beside the other guy. he offered the other can of beer and the other accepted it.

“thank you.”

they stayed silent for a while, admiring the moon shining brightly down on the pond in front of them. the slow blues from the venue keeping them company.

“you’re jihoon’s best man right? best friend?” mingyu faintly smiled and nodded.

“and you’re wonwoo, soon’s best friend. ji mentions you a lot before when they just began dating. you can say he was iffy about you and soon’s relationship.” the two chuckled. it’s not new to them how easy jihoon gets jealous especially when it comes with soonyoung and wonwoo. who wouldn’t? the two were best friends turned lovers turned exes and back to being friends. 

“why are you out here then?” wonwoo asked.

“maybe same as why you’re out here too.” mingyu said as he lightly pushed himself on the swing.

“the hardest part of loving your best friend is watching them love someone else.” 

wonwoo stared at the taller guy who’s smiling sadly at the moon. wonwoo raised his can of beer to that and mingyu chuckled before clanking his own with the other. 

“can i play some music?” mingyu asked. wonwoo just shrugged.

they spent the next minutes drinking, listening to some sad songs and drowning at the moon’s glow. 

“i almost had him you know.” mingyu said.

“and i had him but i was too dumb and i let him go.” wonwoo replied.

“isn’t it funny? it’s our best friends wedding today and here we are looking like a funeral is happening instead.”

when i look into your eyes a soulmate who wasn’t meant to be stranger, who knows all my secrets can pull me apart and break my heart

if someone cried that night, no one will know except for the moon watching and listening over two broken souls.

—

i was listening to this and suddenly i had the urge to write something. this is the first time im writing publicly because im not confident with my "works"

cheers to my baby (not) step :) here's my twitter too hehe