aurorafables

[aurorafables]

From the Grey, Chapter 22.

I brought you a new chapter, and I have to admit, we are slowly approaching the end of the story. Enjoy! :) “I’m constantly afraid that I’m not good enough, and that someone more worthy of your attention will come along. Do you have any idea how many people would be in my place? How many women, and… how many men?”

Pairing: Noah Sebastian X Nicholas Ruffilo

Warnings: 18+, Explicit, Angst, Past character death, Suicidal thoughts

Tags: M/M, M/F, Slow burn, Childhood friends, Friends to lovers, Family drama, Band fic, Masturbation, Accidental Voyeurism, P in v sex, Hand Jobs, Oral Sex, Anal Sex

Word Count: 4.3k

Cross-posted: AO3

22.

“How do I look?” I spun around to Noah when we got back to the bar entrance. Noah smiled lazily and looked me up and down hungrily, arms crossed.

“Wonderful, as always. Fucking awesome.”

I rolled my eyes at the answer, but I felt myself blushing. Or maybe my face was just burning from the alcohol. I pressed my palm to my forehead and took a few deep breaths. I had to go inside to meet the others because my wallet and papers were left on the table, but I didn't want them to notice anything strange about me. Like that my lips were swollen from the rough kisses. Or that my eyes weren't just sparkling from the beer. I walked through the door with determined steps and quickly crossed the distance to the table where Jolly and Folio were sitting, facing the bar and looking like they had just talked about one of the pretty girls behind the bar. 

As soon as they saw me, their friendly chat ended and they looked at me worriedly. Then behind me. I turned around and Noah was waiting there, his hands in his jeans pockets. He shouldn’t have come with me, because I could barely suppress the faint smile that was about to burst out when I realized he was there with me. 

"We're… having a little chat with Noah," I told the guys, trying to act as if there was nothing strange about it. Jolly's eyebrows shot up to the middle of his forehead, and Folio stared at both of us over the beer glass, as if trying to figure out what was going on in our minds.

“Good idea,” Jolly finally blurted out. Folio nodded in agreement and handed me my wallet, which I quickly slipped into my pocket. “You won't kill each other if you're left alone, will you?”

Kill each other? Oh no. I had many plans in mind, but I needed Noah alive for all of them. 

An awkward laugh burst out of me before I could hold it back. I quickly put my hand over my mouth and shook my head vigorously. So vigorously that my hair flew like I was on stage, headbanging. 

I felt Noah's hand close around my arm. I didn't pull away this time.

"Let's go, the taxi is here," he said so that everyone could hear, and he started pulling me towards the exit. I followed him, and only once did I almost fall on my own feet. I should have eaten something before I sat down to drink. But the plan was to get drunk. Of course, that was before I realized I had more important things to do. Like finally fucking Noah. Wait, fucking him? Since when have I wanted to... 

"The taxi isn't even here," I looked around in confusion when we got out.

"No. But I had to prevent the disaster that was about to happen inside," he replied, looking as if he might burst out laughing at any moment. "When you lie, anybody can tell from miles away. And if you're drunk, it's even worse."

"Oh, thank you," I said gruffly, folding my arms across my chest. "Can you say something nice?"

"Of course. You're amazingly sweet when you drink," deep, soft voice said as he took a step closer to me.

“And horny,” I added in a whisper. Noah bit his lip as if he was thinking about something, something sexy, then stepped back with a little laugh.

“We have to keep our distance in the taxi.”

"Is that an order?" I asked cheekily, poking his chest with my index finger. Jesus, when did he get so muscular? I'd seen him naked a few times in the last few months, biting his pecs, clawing his back, but it was still so unbelievable what the fragile little fawn had become. I shook my head to clear my thoughts. "Anyway, you've been bossing around too much lately."

“Until we get back to the bus, I'm the boss.”

I was about to ask what was going to happen after, but a taxi pulled up next to us. Noah swerved around the car so I wouldn’t have to stumble around it and gave the driver the address. I looked at him longingly as he sat just an arm’s length away from me, but I knew I had better get busy. I took out my phone and tried to compose a message for Mom:

I just want you to know, I'm gay. And Noah and I are together.

I glanced quickly at the man sitting next to me. Are we really together? So what were these past few days like? Noah noticed me and turned to me, curious. The streetlights danced across his face, but I could still see how curious he was.

“Who are you writing to?”

“Mom,” I replied simply, handing him my phone so he could read it before I sent it. Noah smiled and corrected a typo.

"Are you sure you want to tell her now?" he asked, handing the phone back.

"I have the courage now," I shrugged, and instead of thinking any further, I sent the message, then slipped the device back into my pocket. It was as if a huge stone had been lifted from my heart.

We soon arrived back at the parking lot where our buses were parked. I think I sobered up a bit because I was able to follow Noah up the few steps without tripping after he opened the door. There were two of us, and as excited as we had been in the park, we didn’t know what to do with ourselves. We just turned on the small reading light in the common room and sat down at the table. Noah combed his hair back with his long fingers, and I opened a banana that was lying orphaned in a small basket.

"Did your mom answer yet?" he asked softly.

“No. She’s definitely still working,” I said, then bit into the banana. As I munched on the bite, I nestled against Noah’s shoulder and inhaled his scent deeply. Noah tilted his head to the side and looked at me with a smile. I held the banana out to him and watched him bite off a piece. That was enough to reignite my desire. We took turns eating the rest, then I threw the peel back into the basket. I didn’t feel like walking with it to the trash can, because that would have meant breaking away from Noah. I cleared my throat as I looked at the man sitting next to me. The dark eyes were watching me, and I could almost see the impatient anticipation in their eyes.

"What happens now?" I asked, even though I didn't know exactly what I was thinking. What will happen to us? What about me wanting him? What about the band if we want to stay together? And many other questions like that were running through my mind.

Noah slowly smiled that sexy, half-sided smile, but I thought I saw a little worry on his face.

"We should be clear about where we stand with each other. I don't want us to make up just because you're drunk."

I hadn’t expected that answer. I hadn’t known he really wanted to talk after the hungry way we’d attacked each other in the park. I was already halfway leaning in to kiss him, and as tempting as it was to shut him up, that would have been like sweeping the issues under the rug. And I’d been in a relationship like that before, and it hadn’t ended well. I didn’t want to make that mistake again. Not with Noah, anyway. I stared thoughtfully at his face, the tiny freckles on his fair skin, his nose, the line of his lips.

“You’re beautiful,” I murmured, entranced. “And I’m not that drunk,” I blurted out, hurt. Noah raised his eyebrows in disbelief, and as I turned to the side, the whole room spun around with me. Maybe he’s right… “I’m constantly afraid that I’m not good enough, and that someone more worthy of your attention will come along. Do you have any idea how many people would be in my place? How many women, and… how many men?”

My voice became shaky and desperate by the end, but my honest fears came out of me, as did the emotions associated with them. Unstoppable. 

“But you’re here with me, that’s the point.” Noah closed his eyes for a moment, took a deep breath, then turned fully toward me, cupping my face in his large hands. “And do you have any idea that I don’t care about any of them but you? And can you imagine how many times I feel that way about you? How much easier would it be for you if I just let you go and let you get a girlfriend? I think we could both use some time to talk to a therapist,” he added with a pained smile. “Our lives have been… complicated before, and it hasn't gotten any easier, either. We don’t have to worry about money, but the pressure we’re under is overwhelming.” 

He looked me in the eye the whole time, spoke with empathy, and I believed every word he said.

"My sister said the same thing," I replied thoughtfully. "I mean, the psychologist."

"Danielle was always smarter than all of us," Noah laughed.

"We don't need to feed her ego any more," I said with a frown. "By the way, I'm still mad at you for making a scene before the concert when I got sick."

Noah let go of my face to bury his fingers into his hair, but he still faced me, staying as close as he could. If I leaned forward a little, I could have easily kissed him, but the pain on his face distracted me.

"If you were seriously hurt, I wouldn't survive," he whispered into the silence of the small room. "If I were to lose you, there would be nothing in this world to keep me going."

“Don't say things like that, please.”

"I want to be honest with you, and that's just how I feel. I was angry at myself for not being able to protect you from the attack. I lost control, and when you had your panic attack, I felt the same way. I was in despair and angry. I'm sorry for being so condescending to you," he bowed his head. "I was never angry at you, I was angry at myself for failing."

We stared at each other in silence, as if we could find a way out of this impasse. I could have started to convince him that he hadn’t failed, just as he could have told me a thousand times that I was the most important thing in the world to him. I understood why he was a control freak—after all, who wouldn’t be, with all this shit and loss behind him? He had spent his entire childhood feeling like the ground was slipping away from under his feet over and over again, while all he could do was let himself be tossed around in the stormy sea. 

“We have to compromise,” I said, never taking my eyes off his face. “You can’t always be the strong one, the protector. There are two of us in this now, and sometimes… sometimes you just have to let me take care of you. Like before,” I whispered, reaching for his hand resting on the table. I ran my fingertips slowly over the back of his hand, then grabbed his wrist. I could feel his pulse pounding, and his heart beat even faster under my grip. My gaze slid down to his neck, then to his slightly parted lips, between which he was gasping for air. My eyebrows shot up to the center of my forehead as I admired the reactions I was eliciting from him. I remembered that old memory when we fell off my bed, tangled in each other, trying to be friendly, and I held Noah’s arms down so he didn’t have a chance to tickle back. Our groins were dangerously pressed together, and… and after Noah desperately begged me to let go, I pretended I didn't feel his erection as it pressed against my body.

"Is this what you meant when you said we were similar? On the couch, when... when you held me down..." I asked in a choked voice.

Noah nodded silently and swallowed, I saw his Adam's apple move beneath the tattoos that adorned his throat.

“I need to have control as much as I need to give it to you.” I digested his words, caressing his wrist with my thumb. “Like when I let you fuck my mouth.”

Now it was my turn to take a big gulp. The sudden, blunt statement and the memories associated with it had aroused me even more, making it impossible for me to ignore my desire. 

“Come here,” I whispered, leaning in close to his lips, but not touching them yet. Noah leaned forward, but instead of letting him kiss me, I tugged at his arm, signaling him to climb onto my lap. I think that was where I made my first mistake. We barely fit together, the table was bolted to the floor, so I couldn’t push it any further, but I enjoyed the fact that we had to cling so tightly to each other.

As soon as I felt his weight on my thighs, soft lips came to press against mine. It tasted like sweet bananas as I licked into his mouth, and as I gripped his ass through his jeans, Noah moaned and bit into my mouth. I grinned and went for him with even more energy. His cock hardened against my stomach, I could almost feel every pulse as it filled with blood. I wanted to touch him. I pressed my hand between us and unbuttoned his jeans, but I changed my mind and reached behind him and under his underwear, then after a few stray strokes, I purposefully searched for his entrance, running my index finger along his slit. 

Noah pulled away from the kiss, out of breath, and laughed awkwardly, trying to catch his breath.

“You don’t beat around the bush,” he remarked, his gaze locked with mine. His skin flushed, I could see it clearly even in the orange light, and his pupils dilated completely as he looked down at me. I bit my own lip and began massaging the ring of muscle with one finger. Noah’s thighs tightened on either side of me, as if he were trying to close them. I leaned forward and sucked the skin on his neck.

"I need to find out where the fine line is..." I murmured in his ear. "I need to know what I can do with you."

"You can't do anything I don't want you to do," he replied in a voice filled with desire.

“Has anyone ever done this to you?”

“No, I wouldn’t let anyone,” he confirmed, then leaned down to kiss me again. I was tempted to go further when our tongues touched, but I was sober enough to know that was a bad idea. My touch, my finger, was too dry and would only cause pain, so I stopped what I was doing behind his back. Noah squeezed his thighs together again next to me and moaned in dissatisfaction into my mouth.

"Not here. Not now, and not like this," I told him, not tolerant of contradiction. Noah blinked at me sweetly, his lips curling down slightly, but he nodded. He completely relaxed in my arms, trusting me like he had never done before. 

"You have to promise to fuck me as soon as we get a hotel room with a lockable door," he said, making me laugh again.

“I promise,” I said, sealing the deal with a kiss. This was the moment we should have stopped, but Noah started to squirm in my lap, rubbing against my stomach for lack of a better friction. He was still just as hard, or harder if possible. I looked up at him with a look of admiration, wanting to help him. My hand was between us again, my other palm smoothed over his waist to guide his movements. I found him easily under the layers of clothing, his shiny glans almost ready to burst at the crease of his underwear. He moaned when I touched him, and then he kept panting in my ear. Probably because of that, and the partition door, that we didn’t notice when somebody opened the bus door, by the driver’s seat.

"Nick, please," I'd never heard Noah’s voice so pleading before, as he threw his head back with his eyes closed. He was close, pressed against me, but he seemed to be drifting further and further away in his own little world, and I didn't like the thought.

"Look at me, Noah," I begged him, but he didn't seem to hear me. He continued to squirm in my lap, his hands gripping my shoulders, but he was still growling at the ceiling. I squeezed his cock tighter.

"Come on, doe, if you don't look at me, I'll have to stop," I told him, but even though my voice sounded firm, I wasn't at all sure I could do it.

Noah finally got the message and complied. His lips were swollen from kissing, and since he liked to nibble too, his locks fell into his eyes, and I decided that I had probably never seen him so beautiful. I kissed him, roughly and hungrily. My penis was uncomfortably tight against my pants, but I didn't want to worry about it. All I wanted was for Noah to come. 

I felt how close he was when someone opened the door between the driver’s seat and the community room. 

At first I didn’t know exactly what was happening because I couldn’t see anything from Noah, but when I leaned to the side a little and my eyes met Jolly’s, it was pretty obvious that we were fucked up. First he froze, then I did, and finally Noah in my lap. He pressed his lips to my shoulder and shivered when I let go. I instinctively tried to cover him up, only to realize that it wasn’t necessary, since we were fully dressed, but there was something wrong with the position that I had no idea how to explain. Jolly suddenly moved, as if he had been electrocuted, and then he walked out the door, which he slammed shut behind him. We could hear him swearing in Swedish as he climbed down the steps of the bus. I was finally able to breathe. Noah was still breathing down my neck, and when I tried to push him away so I could see his face, he whimpered grumpily and hugged me tighter, like a koala.

"Noah, doe, I think we're in trouble," I told him, and it was only thanks to the alcohol that I didn't immediately start panicking.

Noah slowly pulled away. He rubbed his eyes with the back of his hand, as if he had just woken up from a beautiful dream into a cruel reality. He was still so desirable, and I was so numb from alcohol, that I thought about finishing what we started, but then a warning light flashed in my head: Jolly could tell anyone what he saw. I felt like I had suddenly sobered up, and I fidgeted nervously with Noah on my lap.

"I'll talk to him," he said, carefully climbing off me. He frowned and tucked himself back into his pants. I could see his hands shaking as he buttoned his pants, and in his deep, hoarse voice, you could still hear the sound of being robbed of a sky-shaking orgasm.

“Should I come with you?” I asked him. Noah tried to straighten his hair with his fingers, then smoothed out his T-shirt, not as if the hesitant movement had improved the creases in the material in any way.

“I'll solve it.”

When he walked out the door, I dropped my hands in my lap and started fidgeting nervously. I couldn’t sit still for long. I went to the window and saw Jolly, Folio, and Noah outside in the dark parking lot, all three of them talking, their hands in their pockets. Folio was just watching from the background, but Jolly was clearly nervous. After pacing up and down a few times, I decided I couldn’t handle this. I had to be there with him. Jolly was my friend too, and I owed him an explanation. And Noah didn’t have to do this alone. 

I approached them unwaveringly, and I could already make out fragments of sentences.

“ ...and you won't tell me. Don't think we're stupid, please," I heard Jolly's voice, hot with emotion but restrained. Then he looked at me, and the disappointment in his always kind, brown eyes completely shattered.

"I have no idea what you want to hear," Noah replied irritably. He was angry, but I had hoped he would be able to handle the situation calmly. When I reached them, uncertain, his long arm came around my shoulder and pulled me closer. "But here are the facts: Nick and I have been together for months. And I have been in love with him for many years. As surprising as it may be, our relationship is also physical, and you just walked into the middle of such a situation. Are you satisfied? Do you know everything now, or should I elaborate?!" he added defiantly.

I narrowed my eyes at his mocking words. My face was burning and I couldn't look Jolly or Folio in the eyes. I wanted to start drinking again, because the tension was becoming unbearable. 

"Noah didn't mean it, we... we just... wanted to tell you," I started to stammer, staring at the asphalt.

"I'm getting so nervous and praying that you'll somehow sort things out, and then I'll come back and find you two all tangled up, breathing out of each other's mouths, doing God knows what under the table," Jolly said in a cold voice. "Is this some fucking joke?"

"I told you..." Noah began, raising his voice, but before he could continue, I turned him towards me. Now I held his face in my hands so he would only look at me.

“You need to calm down. This isn't going to get us anywhere.”

Noah stared blankly at me at first, as if trying to figure out why I had stopped him, then he took a deep breath and nodded. His gaze softened immediately when I smiled a little at him.

"If you kiss him now, I'll definitely throw up," Jolly interrupted. I flinched at his words. When I caught his gaze, he shook his head in resignation and strode toward the bus. I watched his tall figure disappear from our sight, then I crouched down on the ground and buried my face in my hands. Noah was right there beside me to make sure I was okay.

“Guys, don't worry about Jolly. He'll come to his senses,” said Folio, who had been silently watching the events the whole time. He leaned over to me and squeezed my shoulder encouragingly. “You didn't do anything wrong. The location may not have been the best, but I think you've figured that out by now.” 

I forced a smile at him, then let Noah pull me up and hug me tightly. I needed that hug so badly. 

"Remember what we talked about? There are two of us in this now, and we're going to figure it out together," I said softly to Noah as I let go.

"I know," he replied. I nodded and turned away from him, but I laced my fingers through his.

"How come you're taking this all so easily?" I turned to our drummer curiously. "Aren't you even mad that we kept it a secret from you?"

Folio shrugged and reached into his pocket for his pack of cigarettes. When he handed it to me, I gratefully took a cigarette and let him light it for me. 

“I understand why you kept it a secret. Jolly is living proof that not everyone takes it well. But he loves you. I'm sure that hasn't changed.”

I wanted to believe him because I couldn't imagine one of my best friends walking away from me because of who I really am. And because of the person I love more than anything. No, that can't be impossible. 

My phone vibrated in my pocket. I held the cigarette between my lips so I wouldn’t have to let go of Noah’s hand as I pulled out my phone. I saw immediately that Mom had sent a message, but I paused for a moment to read what she wrote. I wouldn’t have known what to do with a second rejection that night. I probably would have been completely devastated. Then, with my heart pounding in my throat, I finally opened the message.

Darling! You have no idea how happy I am for you. At first you surprised me, but then I immediately thought that this was written up in the stars a long time ago. It couldn't have happened any other way. I love you, and please tell Noah that we're always welcome to see him. This time, even as an official family member.

Noah and I looked at each other, both trying to blink away tears. I wanted to hug Mom, but for lack of her, I hugged the stunned Folio, then Noah, because hugging him was never enough. 

[aurorafables]

From the Grey, Chapter 21.

Hi there! So here is the next chapter. Have fun! :)

His hair fell over his forehead, he was wearing a thick, comfortable sweatshirt, and honestly… There was nothing special about him that night, but I found myself feeling a surge of desire and my heart rate racing. He looked delicious and I was starving.

Pairing: Noah Sebastian X Nicholas Ruffilo

Warnings: 18+, Explicit, Angst, Past character death, Suicidal thoughts

Tags: M/M, M/F, Slow burn, Childhood friends, Friends to lovers, Family drama, Band fic, Masturbation, Accidental Voyeurism, P in v sex, Hand Jobs, Oral Sex, Anal Sex

Word Count: 3.7k

Cross-posted: AO3

21.

I looked towards the door of the bar for the umpteenth time, as Folio and I drank our beer in a dark corner. Incomprehensible Czech words were coming our way from everywhere, soft music was playing in the background, the place was full of university students looking for a little relaxation on a Friday night. Sometimes I wondered what it would have been like if I had gone to university. If I had really wanted to, would I have been able to save up the money? If it hadn't been for the band, would I have continued my studies? And if so, what major? 

I placed my hand on the cigarette box on the table, but Folio didn't take the hint. He continued to explain his fishing adventures and his plans for which lake he would go down to when the tour was over. 

“So… what’s up with you and Noah?” he asked after draining his glass.

I took a deep breath and tried to drop my hand back into my lap without being noticed. It was ridiculous what I was doing. I wanted to smoke, but it was already dark and I was shit scared to go out on the street alone. Folio would have definitely accompanied me, but… the thought of anyone finding out how scared I was scared me. But I didn’t feel like talking about Noah anymore. Exhausted, I leaned my forearm on the table and began to scrape the paint off the worn table until the end of my finger ached. It was an annoying habit that I thought I had managed to break as an adult.

"Nothing. I'm waiting for him to apologize," I replied flatly.

The last four days with Noah hadn't been the easiest. I felt like I'd lost not only my love, but my friend in an instant. Everything I'd feared seemed to come true. It wasn't like we couldn't talk about our hurts, but now I just wouldn't give in. I had changed. And I couldn't even decide if this was the right direction, but I was sure that I wasn't the one who needed to apologize. 

"You know what it's like. I know few people who are more stubborn than him," Folio replied soothingly. I looked at him, and my gaze must have been filled with anger, because my friend suddenly began to study the beer mug in front of him. I sighed, and the emotions on my face softened.

“I'm older than him. Despite that, he's convinced he knows everything better than me. Even what I need.”

Folio nodded in agreement, then looked thoughtfully into space. When he glanced at me warily, I knew he wanted to say something.

"Then why don't you show him how to do it?" he asked, afraid I might jump on him at any moment. I hated it. I didn't like my friends being afraid of my anger. "Because now you were both acting a little like two kids who had their toy taken away."

I blinked at him, then at my beer, which I finished in one gulp and had already ordered another. If I drank enough, maybe I'd have the courage to go out to the bar alone and smoke a fucking cigarette. 

Another glass of drink had just arrived—maybe the fourth—when Jolly and Noah walked in the door. My first thought was that Jolly was a traitor for bringing in the man I’d been uncomfortable even being in the same space with lately, and my second was how handsome Noah looked. I watched from under my eyelashes as his tall figure stood out in the crowd. His hair fell over his forehead, he was wearing a thick, comfortable sweatshirt, and honestly… There was nothing special about him that night, but I found myself feeling a surge of desire and my heart rate racing. He looked delicious and I was starving. Noah looked at our table and walked toward us with determined steps, Jolly following him. My fingers dug into my legs under the table, and then, driven by a sudden idea, I jumped up, grabbed my jacket, cigarette, and lighter. The others reached us as I stepped away from the table. Noah stopped, all his confidence gone, and looked at me in confusion.

"Where are you going?" he asked with furrowed eyebrows.

In response, I picked up the cigarette pack and tried to sneak past him. He didn't make it any easier. He grabbed my arm, forcing me to turn back to him. His dark eyes locked on mine, his pink lips pressed together. It's been too long since I've tasted him...

"I'm going out with you. We need to talk," he said in a tone that made me snort. No questions, just clear commands that the old Nick would have jumped at like a trained puppy.

Jolly and Folio watched the scene nervously from the table, because they had never seen us fight before and they had no idea how far this could go. The scariest thing was that I didn't have an answer to this question either. 

“I want to be alone,” I lied to his eyes, but my lips trembled for a moment. I didn’t want to be alone. Hell, I was terrified to go out alone. But what scared me even more was the thought of being alone with him. With renewed determination, I tried to move on, but Noah’s fingers dug into my arm again, just above the scar that was still tender. I hissed, and Noah let go, horrified. I could see how desperate he was, and how he didn’t want to hurt me, but it happened anyway.

"Don't be angry! I didn't mean to," he said in a trembling voice, pushing back his locks that were falling into his eyes.

“Noah, let him go,” Jolly said from the table.

That was the final word, I turned around without looking at any of them, then stormed out of the bar. 

Outside, the cold wind and the smell of rain hit me, but I pulled on my coat and lit a cigarette with trembling hands. I looked around like a hunted animal, and I breathed a sigh of relief when I realized there were a lot of people out there, none of them looking dangerous. I took a big gulp of my beer and then headed for the park across the road, confident that I was bravely facing my fear. All of them, except Noah. The alcohol warmed me up nicely, and the crisp, wet weather didn’t seem to be catching up with me. I hadn’t eaten a bite since noon. I was calculating how many beers I had that night and how many more I would need to completely knock myself out. Damn, I should have had a shot also. 

"Just one sip, Nicky. Please," Noah begged, hugging me tightly as he tried to take the glass of Jager from my hand.

“When you’re at least sixteen,” I replied, sticking my tongue out at him. He’d already had too much beer, his eyes shining like stars, his cheeks flushed under white skin. I felt a hand on my shoulder, so I looked up at the newcomer. Danielle plopped down on the couch next to me, while Noah and I sat on the carpet with our knees drawn up. I glanced up at my sister. Her loosely tied hair fell over her shoulders, thankfully hiding some of her chest. 

“Hey, Nick, do you have any more of that good stuff?” Davis poked his head through the patio door, and I knew immediately what he meant. I reached into my pocket to pull out the little clear bag of weed. Davis noticed my sister sitting next to me and rewarded the sight with a little whistle. “Wow, Danni, if you weren’t Nick’s sister…”

"Don't you dare say more, asshole!" I snapped, throwing the small bag at him. I turned to Danni and pulled her miniskirt down a little, and she just chuckled softly and wrapped a lock of hair around her finger. "Leave some for me too!" I said to my friend before he disappeared onto the terrace. 

"Relax a little, Nick!" Danni told me when the three of us were left in the living room. The music was playing softly in the corner, so we could have talked comfortably if the evening hadn't already been ruined. Noah leaned his head on my shoulder and quietly sipped his beer. "It's not your job to look after everyone."

“It would be much easier to play the cool brother if my underage sister didn't appear in front of my friends in such a short skirt that you could see her ass,” I growled at her. “You wouldn't dare wear it if I weren't here to protect you!”

"Shall we try it?" Danni asked defiantly. I rolled my eyes and downed the contents of my glass.

“How? Are you going out into the street alone, dressed like this?”

"Nicky," Noah said, his dark eyes pleading. He placed a soothing hand on my thigh, but it was too late. I was angry at my sister, who had become increasingly annoying since she had grown boobs.

“Do you think I wouldn't have the courage?”

Danni jumped up from the couch and put her hands on her hips. Noah lifted his head and the next moment all three of us were on our feet. 

"Your hormones have driven you crazy!" I snapped. Apparently, the alcohol wasn't bringing out my best.

"Did I go crazy because of my hormones?!" Danni asked back, almost screaming. "But you are who would need a good fuck to relax a little!"

I hated that she brought this up. I had never been more angry with her than I was then. I had only broken up with my girlfriend two months earlier, and my heart still ached for her. I was shaking with anger as I looked into those gray-green eyes. Danni met my gaze defiantly.

"I'm done with you. I don't care what you do. If that's what you want, just go and give your virginity on a plate to the first guy who comes across you."

Danielle's eyes suddenly went blank, and she stood there, scalded. Then she turned and ran up the stairs to her room. 

"That wasn't nice," Noah remarked quietly.

"Fuck!" I summed up the situation as I collapsed onto the couch. I looked toward the stairs. Maybe I should follow her... but Noah seemed to read my mind.

"I'll talk to her, and once you've both calmed down, you can apologize to her," he said, and started upstairs.

I waited ten minutes for Noah to come back, then I went out to the guys' to smoke a joint. They could probably tell I was in a bad mood because they didn't even pick on me when I was drunk and smoking weed. When I got back to the house, it was very quiet. I went upstairs as quietly as possible and peeked in through Danny's slightly open door. She and Noah were huddled together on the bed, my best friend caressing my sister's bare shoulders as he held her. I was jealous. I should have been sitting next to Danni, comforting her. She should have cried on my shoulder, like she used to when she got a bad grade in school or had a fight with her best friend. Noah whispered something to her, and Danni lifted her head and sniffed and laughed. My friend reached for her cheek and wiped a few tears from her flushed skin. 

I trudged back to my own room with my head down. I felt like I had failed as a protective big brother.

Standing there in the park, a different kind of jealousy took hold of me. Noah had always felt like part of our family, but as I recalled the careful, gentle touches my friend had used to comfort her that night, I felt sick. I remembered the way Noah’s gaze would sometimes linger on Danni. They were almost the same age, but they both looked a little older than their years. If Maya wanted Noah, then my sister must have admired him at that time too. 

I took out my phone and called Dannielle without thinking. It must have been early afternoon in the US and she was probably working, but I had to talk to her right away. I put out my cigarette and took out the new phone I had bought after the attack.

"Hello, Nicky!" she greeted after two rings. "Is something wrong? You said you wouldn't call until tomorrow."

Danni had been a little paranoid since I got cut with that knife in the street. I couldn’t blame her, I nervously looked around to see if there was anyone nearby who might be a potential threat. I took two deep breaths and tried to force calm into my voice.

"Were there times when you and Noah got close?" I immediately got to the point.

The phone went so quiet I thought she had hung up.

"What are you talking about?" came the completely shocked reaction.

I groaned in helplessness as cold sweat trickled down my spine under my clothes. I was completely out of my mind. I shouldn't have been out in the dark. I shouldn't have called my sister because of some stupid misconception. 

“You and Noah… at that house party when we fought about your clothes… Noah went up to you to comfort you…,” I explained completely incoherently, almost hysterically. “Danni, please remember!”

"Okay, okay, I know what you mean," she hissed into the phone, lowering her voice as I heard her shoes tapping on the floor. "What's up with you and Noah? And don't pretend again that everything's okay, because it's clear that it's not!"

"You didn't answer my question!" I snapped at her indignantly.

“Just like you all week when I asked you how you were!”

I leaned against a tree trunk and tried to calm my heart. My hands were shaking, as was my voice when I spoke again.

“We had a fight, and… nothing. I haven't been able to stay in the same room with him since then.”

"Nicky, my God..." my sister's voice was laced with pity, which only made me feel even more miserable. "Does this have anything to do with you getting stabbed in the street?"

It sounded so horrible the way she said it. It was just a little scratch, nothing more. He could have cut my throat if he wanted to? He certainly could, because he held that wretched knife to my throat for what seemed like hours. What must Noah have felt? Standing there helplessly, watching the deaths of all the people he loved and who had ever loved him play out before him. 

"Maybe," I replied curtly. "And now please answer the question."

"Of course not! Noah just comforted me and hugged me that night. It occurred to me that I might upset you even more if we got tangled up, but I'm not the vindictive type. Especially not with you..."

I let out a large breath of air that I had been holding in, and I almost collapsed at the base of the tree with relief. 

"I drank a lot," I muttered into the phone.

“I know, Nicky. I can hear it in your voice.”

“But it still fucking hurts. He humiliated me in front of everyone and… and I don’t know how I could forgive him. I felt safe with him as long as I’ve known him, he’s been my safety, and now…” I shook my head, feeling a tear roll down my cheek. “He said I couldn’t decide what was best for me. I felt like a fucking child. I needed his support. Danni, I think I had a panic attack before our first concert after the attack. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, but… I didn’t want you to worry about me all the time.”

I talked back and forth, but by some miracle my sister understood everything exactly, as if something connected our souls. 

"I'm sure Noah didn't think what he said, and it would be nice if you could talk about it. You miss him, don't you?"

I laughed out loud and wiped my tears with the back of my hand.

"Fucking much," I sniffed into the phone. "Much more than I'm angry with him."

"I know you can handle this," Dannielle said firmly. She's always believed in me more than I believed in myself. "Noah loves you, and he's going to make this right. But you have to give him the opportunity to try."

I silently chewed on her words, because it might have taken a little longer for my foggy brain to process them, but I knew exactly how important what she was saying was. I couldn't continue to act with Noah as if the last fifteen years hadn't happened. I couldn't act with him as if he wasn't the center of my life. He made a mistake, and maybe he wants to apologize, and I keep pushing him away because I don't want to face the problems. Not even that, maybe I'm a problem in the equation.

“If you've talked, maybe… you should also contact a therapist, Nicky,” Danni said quietly, interrupting my thoughts. I didn't answer, just stared into the light of the lamp illuminating the park. “Your band suddenly became world famous. You broke up with your girlfriend. You realized you were in love with your best friend. You realized you weren't straight, you probably never were. A man you were trying to help attacked you with a knife, and your life was in stake. Nick, that's an awful lot in a few months. The panic attack might just be the beginning, if you don't do something, you could sink much deeper.”

"I know..." I muttered into the phone. I had experienced this with Noah a few years ago. I tried to get him to ask for help just as carefully as Danielle had talked to me about it. "I promise I'll think about it," I finally said, because I really hadn't recognized myself in the last few days.

“Right. And if there's anything, call me. You can talk to me anytime.”

I closed my eyes for a moment and imagined how good it would be to hold my sister close to me. We hadn't been home since the attack and I missed them terribly. Her, my mother, my younger sister, my brother, my father... 

“Thank you, Danny.”

“I have to go back now because my lunch partner is waiting, but we'll definitely talk tomorrow. Will you be okay until then? Do you promise not to do anything stupid and not to drink any more?”

Danielle's voice wasn't one of accusation, just concern. 

"I won't drink and I'll find the others," I promised her as I got up from the ground. We said goodbye, then I hung up. 

I slipped the phone back into my pocket and for a few seconds just listened to the sounds of the night city, muffled by the trees and bushes of the park. I was standing in a secluded area, lost in the darkness. The night was cool, not many people were walking on the street, but the noise of cars filtered towards me. I was trying to think of what I could say to Noah if I went back to the bar, when I heard a strange noise from under one of the bushes. As I suddenly turned, the pebbles crunched under my boots. I immediately reached for my phone and turned on its light so I could see something. My heart was already jumping in my throat, and I only dared to take a deep breath when I saw a bird walking next to the bush. I shook my head in disbelief and decided that the night's adventure was over, it was time to head back. I proved to myself that I could do it, there was no point in hanging around there any longer, giving anyone the opportunity to attack me.

As I turned toward the park exit, I saw a tall man coming toward me from the bar.

"Nick?" he asked hopefully.

I recognized Noah’s voice immediately and took a few steps in front of him so I could finally hug him. The smell of alcohol from the bar crept into my nose, but underneath it I could smell his scent, and I felt calmer. Almost a week passed without us touching each other. It felt like years. Noah stood still, letting me hold him, then hesitantly started stroking my head, as if he didn’t know what he could and couldn’t do. As if he was afraid I might yell at him to stop at any moment. 

"Doe," I muttered into his coat.

Noah chuckled softly and approached me with more courage.

"You called me that a long time ago," he said, gently brushing my hair back from my face. "Is everything okay?"

"I was scared to death of a fucking pigeon," I looked at him, but I still didn't let go, I just tilted my head up. "And no, nothing is okay. I hate the way we've been treating each other these past few days!" I blurted out like a hysterical child. I thought Noah would laugh at this, but instead his face turned grim too.

“You're right. And I want to apologize because I started this whole thing. Tell me, how can I make it up to you?”

A small, calculating smile spread across my face as I began to push him toward a nearby tree. I only stopped when his back was pressed against the trunk and I was standing in front of him, clinging to him. Noah looked at me with a small, lazy smile, but when I stepped between his legs and he sensed how much I wanted him, his gaze darkened, his whole body glowing with desire. He leaned down, and when I finally felt his tongue in my mouth, a satisfied growl escaped my throat.

[aurorafables]

From the Grey, Chapter 20.

Hey! Sorry for being gone for so long. I finally got the next part for you guys. Enjoy! :) “I wouldn't have survived if something serious happened to you. Sure, Keaton broke a piece of my heart and took it with him to the other side, but you…” he stared into my eyes. “You healed me. No one could heal me if something happened to you. Do you know how many times you’ve saved my life?”

Pairing: Noah Sebastian X Nicholas Ruffilo

Warnings: 18+, Explicit, Angst, Past character death, Suicidal thoughts

Tags: M/M, M/F, Slow burn, Childhood friends, Friends to lovers, Family drama, Band fic, Masturbation, Accidental Voyeurism, P in v sex, Hand Jobs, Oral Sex, Anal Sex

Word Count: 3.7k

Cross-posted: AO3

20.

Nights at the hospital were probably always chaotic on the A&E, but this one seemed extremely so. The atmosphere was oppressive, the rush forming a lump in my throat. There was a major traffic accident nearby, patients were being pushed on stretchers or in wheelchairs, another ambulance arrived again and again, and then a team of medical personnel emerged to deal with the serious cases. I heard a child crying from the end of the corridor. The poor thing must have been crying for a long time, because her voice was completely hoarse. My heart sank, and I sat in my chair even more melancholy. Noah was next to me, scrolling through his phone, but I could see that he was also looking for the crying child with his eyes. His hand was shaking, holding his cell phone, and small wrinkles appeared between his eyebrows. I wanted to hug him, but I was afraid it would only fuel my desire to hold him even closer, and since Matt was with us, I had to hold back.

A nurse glanced at my wound, then pressed some bandages into my hand and said they’d call me in as soon as a doctor was available. Noah wasn’t thrilled about that and started pacing nervously, then went off to get us some coffee. I leaned my head against the wall, exhausted, and closed my eyes, thinking that if I went out to light a cigarette, they’d probably come looking for me right away to examine me. My arm was throbbing, and for a moment I shivered, maybe from exhaustion, maybe from pain. Matt sat quietly next to me, and when I opened my eyes, I saw him looking at me with concern.

“Are you okay?”

"I'll live," I said, half-smiling. "It would be nice to be in bed."

“I've booked rooms for you at a hotel for the night. I've already canceled tomorrow's show.”

"Great," I replied resignedly. This wasn't exactly how I had planned the evening. How could everything go wrong in a few minutes? I wasn't feeling sorry for myself, I knew the wound would heal quickly, but I wasn't even remotely sure how Noah would react to what had happened emotionally. I saw the fear in his eyes when he noticed I was bleeding, I felt how his hands were shaking as he helped me up from the ground, and I heard him hysterically calling Matt to say what happened. I had to talk him out of calling an ambulance, and the only way I could convince him was to take a taxi. He was frantically worried about me, and I couldn't even calm him down. I turned nervously toward the hallway where he had disappeared, and I wanted to follow him. But like smoking, I couldn't do that either, because if I wanted to get out of here as quickly as possible, I had to wait patiently, sitting on my butt, for them to call me in.

Then two police officers entered through the photocell door, and Matt went to point them in the direction of me. When they approached me, I stood up and shook their hands. 

"Haven't they treated you yet, sir?" one of them asked, looking at my torn coat and the bandage on my arm.

"No, they are really busy with more serious patients," I told them.

“We can start recording data here, if that’s okay with you,” he said, sitting down next to me with a tablet in his hand.

I dug through my pockets for my documents, which the robber luckily didn���t find, as Noah had distracted him, so he only took my phone. The police started taking my details, and Noah arrived, balancing three paper cups between his fingers. I could see that he was glad that something was finally happening and that he didn’t have to walk aimlessly up and down until I was called in. We told them what had happened and tried to give a description of the man, but unfortunately neither of us could see much of him in the dark gateway. I was sure he had a beard, and Noah confirmed that. He was about as tall as I was, and from what I remembered of him pushing me against the wall, I knew he was much bigger than me. But that was it. How many people like that live in London, or in the UK? 

I was just telling them about the look of my stolen phone when the nurse, who had been looking at my wound, poked her head out the door next to us and called my name. Noah and I jumped up at the same time, but he stopped and looked down at the floor in confusion. My heart sank. I walked over to him and handed him my half-finished coffee. 

“It’s okay,” I told him softly. I have no idea what came over me, but I lost touch with the outside world when he looked up at me with his dark eyes and saw how much he wanted to protect me there, in that dark alley, and now he feels like he didn’t. I stepped closer to him, our shoes almost touching, I stood on my tiptoes, and breathed a quick kiss on his pouting lips. It was only a moment, but it was liberating. He looked at me with wide eyes, a coffee in each hand, as I stepped away from him and headed for the nurse. I just caught Matt’s confused look before I closed the door behind me.

It was past four in the morning by the time we checked into the hotel. Everyone else was already there, long asleep after hearing that I will definitely be okay and they wouldn’t have to find a new guitarist. Noah and Matt weren’t very talkative in the taxi ride back to the hotel, and I felt guilty for a moment, thinking that I had crossed the line with that little kiss on the mouth. But then I realized how exhausted I was too. Our evening had dragged on. Too long. 

Noah insisted on bringing my bag up from the bus, so I went ahead to explore the room, which ended up with me sitting on the end of the bed and staring straight ahead. I only raised my head when Noah returned with our stuff. 

"Can I sleep here with you?" he asked as he placed the two bags next to the bed. I smiled wearily and nodded.

“I wouldn’t let you sleep anywhere else,” I said, then took off my jacket. I took off my cut-up hoodie and T-shirt too to examine the bandage on my arm. “He tore the tattoo on my upper arm,” I muttered like a grumpy child. “I don’t know how big the scar will be, but I hope it won’t be too noticeable.”

Noah looked up at me, kneeling next to his bag.

"Who cares about tattoos when I could have lost you?" he asked quietly, then continued rummaging through his clothes.

I swallowed and started fiddling with the bedspread. I tried to take the edge off things, and Noah noticed right away. He clearly wasn’t happy about it. I chewed my lip nervously, wondering what to say. He had finally found his toothbrush, but instead of going to the bathroom, he sat down next to me. He leaned back, propped himself up on his bent arms, and looked ahead, lost in thought.

“Keaton came to mind. You know I’ve had losses before, but he was the first person I thought of when I realized you were in danger,” he said softly, his voice choked. I pulled one of my bent legs under me and turned to Noah. “I wouldn't have survived if something serious happened to you. Sure, Keaton broke a piece of my heart and took it with him to the other side, but you…” he stared into my eyes. “You healed me. No one could heal me if something happened to you. Do you know how many times you’ve saved my life?”

I swallowed hard, and my gaze drifted to my hands. My arms that had hugged Noah so many times, trying to hold him together, my fingers that had stroked his face and back to soothe him. 

"I'm your friend and I would do anything for you," I told him, looking up from under my eyelashes.

"You're my family. You're my lover," Noah whispered possessively, his lips curling into a small smile. "I didn't even dare tell my therapist, but I think he figured it out on his own. Keaton was the only person on earth I told about my feelings for you."

My eyebrows shot up to the center of my forehead.

“Did Keaton know about it?”

“Yes,” Noah smiled, and I saw his friend's face appear in his mind. “He was shocked at first, and then when he used to the idea, his first comment was that if he were a girl, he would be so fucking into you. Especially your eyes.” 

I laughed to myself embarrassedly and hid my hands between my thighs.

"Was that meant to be a veiled compliment?" I asked Noah, who raised his arm in apology.

“I was just quoting him. Regardless, of course I agree, and I could add quite a few things to the list.”

A pleasant warmth settled in my chest as Noah looked at me with his lips slightly parted. His pupils dilated and a small smile played on his face. As I looked at him, my endless fatigue melted away and I began to be preoccupied with the fact that we were alone in a room with a lockable door and a comfortable bed. Much more comfortable than on the tour bus.

"Did Matt ask or say anything when I went in to get my arm checked?" I asked casually.

"No, nothing. I think we shocked him a little, but I don't regret that little kiss for a minute," he answered honestly.

“Maybe… maybe we should tell the others?” I asked quietly. Noah’s fingers brushed over my shoulder, barely touching my skin like the wings of a butterfly. I got goosebumps from head to toe.

“Why are you in such a hurry?”

I took his free hand and squeezed it. I looked at how different the color of our skin was, the difference was great under the already slightly faded tattoos. I lifted it to my mouth and placed a kiss on the back of his hand, in the center of the mandala. I recalled the attack. As I stood pressed against the wall while that bastard held a knife to my throat. In those few short minutes, every cherished memory I had with Noah played out before my eyes. The first time we were together at Christmas. The first kiss, the first uncertain, trembling touch. The days spent alone by the lake with longing glances, ambiguous comments. The soaring of the band, and the way Noah shakes his head in disbelief, teary eyes, when the audience sings with him. Our painful separation after he moved away. The funny, tender, angry moments we shared. The nights we spent together in my bed. The tattoo saloon, and all the memories that come with it, while we calculate how much we'll pay for the heating and hot water that month. The desperate Noah who turned to me with hope when he needed a roof over his head. The many Animes we watched together when he was at our place and didn't want to go home. The first meeting, the first thoughts that came to my mind when I saw him.

“Today I realized that this dream I've fallen into could end at any time. And I want to spend as much time with you as possible without having to hide what I feel from anyone,” I confessed. I tilted my head to the side and rested my face in his palm. I might have purred a little while moaning pleasantly. I needed him. After what had happened, after the fear, I wanted to feel him as close as possible. “I want to make love to you ... “ I said out loud, what I wanted most at that moment.

Noah took a deep breath, and desire almost radiated from his eyes, but then he became uncertain.

“I don't know if it’s a good idea... maybe you should sleep so your wound can heal.”

“Noah, please,” I looked at him with a pleading look. “My arm is not badly hurt, it will be okay in a few days,” I assured him excitedly. Everything was in my words: the fear of losing what had only just begun. That I wouldn't be able to hear his voice, that I wouldn't be able to breathe in his scent. That I wouldn't be able to feel him inside me anymore.

Noah let out a shaky breath, then got up from the bed and started to undress, but I could tell he was still unsure if this was a good idea. He first took off his shirt, then his jeans. I watched in amazement as the muscles in his thighs tensed as he stepped forward. I raised my arms to stroke them, but my injured arm immediately protested. Noah watched the pained grimace on my face with concern. 

"We need to take care of your arm," he said, then knelt down and unbuttoned my pants. He smiled a little as he noticed that I was already half hard under my underwear. "Turn over on your stomach!"

I complied immediately, but as he pinned me to the bed with his weight, I felt a moment of panic. The situation was all too similar to what had happened just a few hours earlier, except that there was a knife to my throat. Noah sensed my tenseness beneath him immediately, and he didn’t have to ask what was wrong.

"Shh, it's me," he whispered in my ear. "Do you want us to do it differently this time?"

I thought about my proposal. I loved having his body draped over me like a blanket, the way he kissed the back of my neck and my spine’s line between my shoulder blades during sex. While I was considering what would be best, Noah sat on my waist and began massaging my back. I moaned from the pleasurable feeling and felt his cock twitch at my ass just from my satisfied voice. His scent filled my nose, and I completely relaxed under his skilled hands.

"No, let's stay like this," I muttered into the pillow. I wanted to forget about what happened last night, and for some reason this seemed like a good solution.

"Are you sure?" he asked, and his fingers—those wonderful, long fingers—were already at the crease of my bottom.

"Absolutely," I replied confidently. With my help, he pulled down my underwear, and then he massaged and caressed everywhere. I lost myself in the feeling, the smell, the sound of his voice as we were together, and the terrible events of the day completely disappeared in the purple haze.

It took a week before I was ready to go on stage again. Or so I thought. My wound was healing nicely, although it wasn’t perfect yet, but I was confident that it would all be a bad memory soon. Our first concert was in Italy, and everything went perfectly until the moment we were all standing by the stage waiting to go up. We spent the whole evening talking to the guys, playing ping pong with Folio. Noah was meditating in the dressing room, trying to tune into the show. Everything was going as it should until the moment I was standing by the stage in darkness and suddenly I was flooded. 

I ran my fingers through my hair and lifted the strands so that some air could reach the back of my head, because I felt like it was too hot and I was suffocating. I pressed the back of my hand to my forehead and tried to slow my breathing with my eyes closed. It was Jolly who approached me first and put his hand on my shoulder.

"Is everything okay?" he asked with a frown. 

He barely finished the question when Noah was standing in front of me. It was as if he sensed something was happening to me. Our eyes met, and he did what I needed without asking. I'd been through what it was like when someone had a panic attack with him a few times, so I knew exactly what was happening to me, maybe that helped me not to dive too deep. He took the guitar off my neck and handed it to one of our sound engineers, then he said something to him, and I thought I heard Matt's name. He held my arms the whole time, never letting go.

"I'm here, it's okay," he told me, but his voice sounded as if I heard it from a great distance. As if I were drifting in something. Maybe in a roaring river, where the murderous foam was trying to swallow me? "Let's sit down on the ground for a while, okay?" he asked, and already pulled me with him. I probably looked like I was about to faint. I held his gaze with mine, feeling that I was still breathing too fast. We sat cross-legged facing each other, and despite the fact that I could faintly sense the worried glances of Jolly, Folio, and Steven, as if they were passing by me, I focused only on Noah's dark eyes.

“Breathe with me, okay?”

I didn’t trust my voice, but I nodded okay. Noah took off his gloves and held mine in his hands. The drift slowed a little, but the nausea still lingered. We both took deep breaths and let them out very slowly. My gaze slid down to his chest and stomach, watching his breathing muscles move in his tight black tank top. I tried to imitate him perfectly, because at that moment he was the only one keeping me afloat. 

“You’re doing great,” he squeezed my hand. I looked up at his face again, it’s filled with determination. Then we continued, but I couldn’t tell if a minute had passed, or at least ten. Finally I felt myself relax, and I no longer thought I was going to die because my heart was going to jump out of my chest. It was strange to be back, and when I realized that I couldn’t breathe underwater, I suddenly felt the cold, hard ground beneath my ass, Noah’s hot palm on mine, and I heard the faint murmur of fans from the concert hall. 

"Shit," I said when I could focus on speaking again. Noah was still holding my hand. "I don't know… I have no idea how this happened."

Steven walked over to us and handed me a bottle of water. He leaned down and squeezed my shoulder. I took a few sips, but I didn't dare drink too much because I was still a little nauseous.

"What happened to you last week is terrible. I can't even imagine," Steven looked from Noah to me. "Maybe you should rest for a few more days."

I shook my head violently and tried to stand up carefully. Noah still wouldn't let go, as if he was afraid I might collapse like a ragdoll at any moment. He was faster than me, jumped up, and helped me up.

“I'm fine, I just…”

"Don't say you're fine, because that’s a lie!" Noah choked out, and I flinched at his suddenly raised voice. "Yesterday you said your arm still hurts. Why on earth do you have to be a martyr? We could have waited a little longer before we went on stage again."

His attack had come so unexpectedly that I had no idea what to say. I could have said that the slight pain had nothing to do with the panic attack. I couldn’t even follow that a minute ago he had been trying to bring me back from the panic attack like a lighthouse, and then he had attacked me without any transition. Noah’s mouth was pursed in anger, and small wrinkles appeared between his eyebrows. Folio, Jolly, and some of the crew had gathered around us, and not only had they watched me almost faint, they were now getting an encore. It was true that Noah had suggested that we postpone today’s concert the previous morning, and I knew he wasn’t happy with my decision, but it didn’t feel fair to tell the world that I wasn’t completely well yet. I peeled his fingers off me and took a few steps back. 

"I can decide for myself whether I'm ready or not," I told him resignedly, dusting the back of my pants just to keep myself busy and to keep the others from seeing how uncomfortable I was. As if this substitute action had helped in any way...

“Well,” Noah spread his arms towards the sky, then dropped them dramatically “so it looks like you didn't make the right decision after all.”

I watched in horror as he spun on his heel, went backstage, and even told the others that we were 15 minutes late. Jolly and Folio looked at each other, then instead of going after Noah, they turned to me. 

"Nick?" Jolly asked uncertainly. I hated that they came to me because they thought I was easier to get along with. I hated that I was the one who swallowed all the criticism and insults without a word. I hated that everyone thought my soul and patience were made of iron and could never be shaken by anything.

"I'm fine!" I growled at Jolly, almost shaking with rage. "And no one fucking has anything to do with my decisions!"

I felt a kind of malicious gloating when Jolly couldn't speak, and Folio's big brown eyes widened at my outburst. I took out all my anger on them, even though I was really angry at Noah. 

I looked for a quieter corner for the remaining few minutes, and I may have immediately felt guilty about my friends, but no one needed to know that. For the first time, I decided that I would not give in and submit to Noah. He would apologize if he felt he wanted anything from me. And I... and I would apologize to Folio and Jolly when I finally managed to calm down.

[aurorafables]

From the Grey, Chapter 19.

Hey there! Here is the new part, I hope you like it :)

Pairing: Noah Sebastian X Nicholas Ruffilo

Warnings: 18+, Explicit, Angst, Past character death, Suicidal thoughts

Tags: M/M, M/F, Slow burn, Childhood friends, Friends to lovers, Family drama, Band fic, Masturbation, Accidental Voyeurism, P in v sex, Hand Jobs, Oral Sex, Anal Sex

Word Count: 4.1k

Cross-posted: AO3

19.

Noises filtered in from the hallway—steps, laughter, conversation—and a soft rumble from the backing band reverberated through the walls. The dark, small storage room smelled musty, and it probably hadn’t been aired in weeks, but there was a key to the thick metal door, so it suited us perfectly. Noah and I were alone, the first time in eight days. 

When we arrived in Europe, thanks to jet lag and the excitement before the shows, we still managed to keep ourselves, our feelings, and our desires in check. During the day, the jet lag, and at night, the exhaustion after the show made us feel like we needed to sleep. We all crammed into our beds on the bus, and there wasn't much time left to do anything else besides rest and the evening shows.

But as the week went by, our bodies got used to the conditions and switched to full tour mode, Noah and I kept our eyes on each other more and more, there was more and more prolonged touching, and the night before, I had forgotten my hand on his thigh under the covers while he and Folio were playing video games. By then, I was completely out of it. I also found the lockable room, but I didn't have to convince him for long to follow me for two minutes after I left the others in the dressing room. 

It wasn't even ten minutes later and he was standing in front of me, his back against the wall, panting in my face in the aftermath of his orgasm. He had already changed for the show, and it bothered me a little that I couldn't reach his neck because of the black turtleneck he was wearing, but I had to admit that he looked hot in it. The darkness was all around us, it had long since gotten dark outside, my phone was the only light on the ground. I placed my palms against the wall on either side of Noah, and if I couldn't feel his neck, at least I could smell his hair as I leaned forward. Noah took my face in his hands and kissed me, still panting a little. He didn't care that his cock had been in my mouth a short time before, the soft kisses quickly turned into tongue-slick, slobbery kisses. He slid his gloved hand into the nape of my neck, tilted my head back, and aimed for my neck. I moaned loudly, goosebumps rising from head to toe as he bit into my skin. And strangely enough, it was my own voice that reminded me that we should go. I reluctantly pushed him away and immediately set about fixing things down there. Noah, still ecstatic, watched as I pulled up his underwear, a powerful shiver running through him as my hand accidentally touched his cock. Then I buttoned his pants and nodded toward the door. 

But he had other plans. He pulled me closer again, and as he kissed me, he turned us around so that my back was against the wall. He reached for my pants and tried to get under the fabric, but I caught his hand.

“You don't have to reciprocate, that's not why I did it,” I told him softly, when I managed to pull away from the kiss. I wanted him so much that I almost scraped the wall of the bus the night before, but I didn't want to put either of us in an awkward situation. I was content with at least being able to get him a few pleasant moments. “Let's go back, they'll come looking for us.”

Noah shook his head and playfully bit his lip. His hand dug under my shirt as he did so, and when his gloved fingers settled on my nipple, my eyes widened. The cold, slightly rough feel of the faux leather on my body was strange, but it was so arousing that the unexpected sensation made my head hit the wall as I fell back. As I stared at the cobwebs on the ceiling, I had to hold on to Noah’s broad shoulders because my legs were shaking uncontrollably. Every time he stroked one of the hardened little peaks, a small electric shock-like shiver ran through me, and I started to whimper like a wounded animal. 

"Do you like it?" he whispered in my ear, as if he didn't know exactly. I looked at him and could only nod silently. Noah smiled complicitly and was already caressing my stomach as he moved further and further down. "Who would have thought that this would make you so needy... If we had the time, I could torture you like this for hours," he remarked as he looked down between us and his hand slowly slid down my pants. "Is this what you're going to be thinking about while we're on stage?" he asked, taking my balls in his gloved hand and slowly, very, very slowly, running his fingers along the underside of my cock. I hoped that the previous question was just a rhetorical question that he knew the answer to, because so much was happening at once that I forgot to answer. In the meantime, he had already unzipped me with his other hand and freed my painfully rock-hard cock from my underwear. "Do you still think I don't have to reciprocate?" he looked at me, grinning.

I didn't even answer that. I dug my fingers into his shoulders and started to push him down. Noah obediently knelt down in front of me and blinked up from under his hair, then his bottom touched the ground. His thighs tensed under his tight pants and he looked at me submissively. I was confused for a moment, he had surrendered to his new role so quickly that I didn't know what to do with it. I looked at him for help, and luckily he understood my problem right away.

"Tell me what you want," he asked softly.

“Your mouth,” I told him, because it really wasn’t a difficult question. He straightened up from his kneeling position, reached for my hand, and pulled my palm to the back of his head, then looked up at me.

“Nick…”

He didn't continue, waiting for me to focus on what he was saying. It was hard to pay attention to his words when his soft, wet lips were just inches from my cock, but I managed to force myself to.

“Yeah?”

"I have to sing soon," he said, pulling my pants and underwear down so he could get to me more easily.

“Oh...Oh!” When I finally understood why he would say that, I started to giggle softly, out of breath. “Okay. I'll be careful, I promise.”

Noah nodded, then both of his hands - the gloved one and the ungloved one - ran down my thighs, my hipbone, and finally settled on my belly. 

“Open your mouth,” I whispered to him in a hoarse voice, while I supported his chin with my free hand. Noah obeyed immediately, and I slowly slid my cock between his lips. The next moment his mouth closed around me, pressing his tongue to my slit. I gripped his hair, because I wanted to see him, but my eyes closed involuntarily. Like a defense mechanism, sensing that it would be too much for me to see the wonderful man kneeling in front of me. As he started working on me, stars exploded behind my eyelids again. “Oh my God!” That was all I could manage to moan out tremblingly as I looked down at him.

After the show, the guys and I went to a Mexican restaurant, and the rest of the crew joined us. Matt, Steven, Bryan were there, and we laughed, talking and joking with each other, still high on the adrenaline. The band's reputation grew, but these gatherings were still just as friendly as they had been years before, except that we could afford more expensive restaurants. After dinner, the waiter brought a large tray of Tequila to our table, and the glasses were quickly empty. Folio, Bryan and I went outside to smoke. I zipped up my jacket all the way because it was January and it was cold enough in London to even snow. It was a weekday, around 1am, so the street, which had been busy two hours earlier, was almost completely empty. A few laughing young people were walking on the other side, and a few doorways away, a homeless man was lying on soaked cardboard boxes. 

"How are you feeling, Nick?" Bryan, who had been one of our best friends since we were teenagers, asked me. I was grateful that he had joined us as a photographer early on, so we could spend a lot of time together while we worked. "Is it weird that you don't have a girlfriend waiting for you at home?"

“I got used to it pretty quickly,” I shrugged. “It’s not the first time I haven’t had a girlfriend,” I answered, choosing my words carefully. I didn’t want to tell them about Noah, but I couldn’t look in the mirror if I lied.

"The fans can't wait to hit on you," Folio said with a laugh, and I nudged our drummer a little with my elbow.

“Well, this is also true for you!”

We all laughed, everything felt a little lighter after the tequila. Then we fell silent and just stared at each other. I put out my cigarette and pulled my jacket closer around me. My hair was wet from the melting snowflakes, but Noah promised to join us when we finished smoking. He had been very careful with his voice lately, trying to live as healthily as possible so he could perform perfectly on stage. I opened my palm and watched the perfectly symmetrical snowflakes fall onto my black gloves. I was lost in thought, and an old memory forced its way through.

The streets were bathed in yellow light from streetlights, and I watched as a perfect snowflake settled on Noah’s eyelashes as he rummaged through his bag for his gloves. His face and nose were flushed in the cold, and thick clouds of mist escaped his lips as he cursed. I shuffled beside him as we waited for our late-night bus to arrive. My toes were already frozen in my boots, and I cursed myself for not washing my thicker socks the night before. I glanced at my watch. The bus was supposed to be here ten minutes ago.

"I think we should walk. I have a feeling the bus has been canceled," I suggested, which Noah wasn't too happy about. He looked up at me with a sullen face, then stopped searching.

“Let's wait a little longer. Maybe there's too much traffic in the center.”

"It's too late for traffic jams," I told him, slinging my bag over my shoulder. "Come on, if we wait any longer, we'll both turn into ice sculptures. If we walk, we'll be home in twenty minutes and warm up a bit on the way."

Noah straightened up and picked up his bag, ready to go, but not with much enthusiasm. I know he’d had a crappy day. He told me about getting into a fight with two guys in the band during rehearsals, and then having to clean the bathrooms at the salon while I was tattooing a guest. The fact that the bus didn’t come was just icing on the cake. His lips pursed, his nose wrinkled as he walked toward our home without looking at me. I had to pick up my pace a little to catch up, because his infinitely long legs gave him a big advantage. When I got to him, I grabbed his arm. 

"Hey, stop for a moment," I told him, and he finally looked at me from under his hair that was falling into his eyes. I took his cold hands in mine and, smiling up at him, tried to warm them up. "When we get home, we'll make some hot tea and open that delicious chocolate, okay?"

He just shrugged, as if he didn't care, but I knew it was just a disguise. He wanted to stay grumpy for a little longer. 

“We’ll take a shower and get under the covers,” I continued unwaveringly. Noah’s lips finally curled up on one side. “That’s it, you like this better, right?” I asked contentedly, lifting the back of his hand to my mouth and giving it a quick kiss. Then I laced our fingers together and tucked his hand into my jacket pocket.

We set off, and as the snow continued to soak our already wet clothes, Noah told me about the fight he had with the band and how he felt he couldn’t keep going like this for much longer if he didn’t have any say in things. He had just turned eighteen, but since he was the youngest, none of them had listened to him. He had really good ideas, but it was their egos that were keeping them from even listening. By the time Noah finished talking, we were almost home, and I could tell he was relieved to be able to pour his heart out. 

"You can leave anytime if you feel like you're not in the right place," I told him as I opened the door. "It's not worth spending your time with people who don't appreciate you. There are a thousand bands looking for guitarists."

We entered the hall, took off our shoes, and I brought a rag from the bathroom so that the snow wouldn't melt from our boots onto the ground.

"I'm not sure I'd find another band that would want me. I'm a tolerable guitarist, but you're much better than me, for example. There's nothing special about the way I play," he looked at me grimly, arms folded. 

“You look cool. And believe me, you’re pretty special,” I added, smiling to myself, but completely sincerely. I turned up the heat and spread our coats on the radiator. Noah snorted, but he was still standing in the hallway in the same withdrawn pose.

"If you like six-foot-tall skeletons, then sure," he said with a resigned sigh. I didn't understand what was wrong with him. He only made such comments about his appearance when he was getting ready for an important date and was panicking. I headed for the kitchen to boil water for our tea.

"Maybe I should start doing porn," he said out of nowhere. My first reaction was to laugh out loud, but when I saw that he was still serious, the smile quickly melted from my face.

“Why did you come to this?”

"There are people who like boys like me. Hairy, big guys, at least twenty years older than me, could fuck me. They would pay well," he answered half-heartedly. "If my mother were looking down on me, she could at least nod with satisfaction that she was right. I'm not worth more than what I could earn with my body."

I turned to the kitchen cabinet to get the tea bags. The image projected before me was enough to make me sick just thinking about it. 

"Stop that!" I said as I poured the hot water over the tea. "You know that's stupid." Noah didn't say anything, just took a teaspoon out of the drawer to put some sugar in his tea. Then we took the mugs and went into the bedroom, because that room always warmed up faster. We put the mugs on the windowsill and sat across from each other on my bed. Noah was fiddling with the bedspread, and I could tell he was still in a bad mood.

“I think you’re so talented,” I told him, and Noah looked up at me cautiously. Not just because I wanted to cheer him up, but because I really thought so. “And did you know you have the most beautiful smile?” Noah bit his lip with his sweet, bunny teeth, then caught his gaze to the side. And finally… finally, if barely noticeable, he smiled a little, even though I embarrassed him with my words. “I want to see you laugh more,” I told him as I slowly reached out my arm towards him. By the time he realized what I wanted, it was too late. 

My hand dug under his shirt and I started tickling his side. He fell onto the bed laughing and tried to pull away from me, but I followed him and continued to torture him a little. We wrestled, out of breath and gasping for air, and soon the tables were turned, Noah moved towards me, and I got tickled too. We didn’t even realize we were so close to the edge of the bed, but we were lucky because we ended up on Noah’s mattress instead of the hard ground. For a moment, we both forgot to breathe from fright, and I came to my senses first. I locked my legs around my friend’s thighs and rolled over again so I could be on top. I held his hands so he couldn’t push me away, and I held him still with my weight as I leaned against his neck and licked the line of his pulse, because I knew he couldn’t stand it. Then I buried my head in his hair because I loved the smell of his shampoo. Noah made a half-suppressed, barely audible sound and froze like a block of stone. I expected him to try to wipe the drool off himself or start fighting me again, but instead he spoke in a completely emotionless voice.

“Nick,” I got up from him, and when our eyes met, Noah started moving: “Nick, let me go!” he shouted at me, completely out of his mind.

I let go of his arms because I thought I was holding him too tightly and might hurt him. He looked at me in fear, which really scared me.

“Noah…”

He put his hands on my hips and pushed me off of him before I could ask what was wrong. I had no idea how he suddenly had so much strength, but I didn’t expect it at all. I slid between the bed and the mattress and watched, blinking, as he quickly jumped off the mattress and stormed into the bathroom. 

I sat up and as I walked to the bathroom door, I brushed the hair out of my face, because my bun had completely fallen apart. The water was running in the bathroom, so I waited a bit.

"Noah, are you okay?" I asked worriedly when he turned off the tap and I couldn't hear any sound from inside.

"I'll be fine," he shouted. "Don't worry about me."

This was much easier said than done. I sighed.

“Did I hurt you?”

Noah finally opened the door and stuck his head out. His eyelashes were stuck together and his chin was still a little wet.

"I felt nauseous when we fell onto the mattress," he explained, brushing a strand of hair back from his flushed face with his fingers, hands shaking.

"And are you feeling better now?" I asked with furrowed eyebrows.

"Yeah, a lot," he said, smiling, but this half-smile, which didn't reach his eyes, didn't really make me forget the scared face he made while lying on the mattress.

“Okay…” I replied with uncertainty. “Then if you want, take a shower. I'll come after you,” I ended the conversation before going back to the room. 

Until now, I hadn't connected that night with the fact that a few days later Noah desperately started looking for a separate apartment, as if he wanted to get rid of me as soon as possible. I thought it was all just some kind of crisis on his part, that he felt he wasn't independent enough. God, how stupid I was! I couldn't read the signs, the way he looked at me longingly, the way his heart pounded under his ribs every time I was near him. I let him suffer for many years. But then I remembered that maybe he was right. Maybe the timing wasn't right then, but now our time has finally come.

I wanted to be alone with Noah for a bit, so when Bryan and Folio headed back to the restaurant, I asked them to tell him to come outside for a bit. By then, the snow had stopped and the street had gotten even quieter, if possible. 

"Help me, please!" I heard a voice from not far away. I turned towards the gateway where the homeless man lay. I was thinking that maybe I should wait for Noah, when the voice became even more desperate. "Please, sir!"

He didn't look drunk, and my feet immediately started moving towards him without having to think twice. Since childhood, I had been programmed to want to help everyone. Maybe it was some kind of "middle child syndrome," or who knows, but I couldn't stand there any longer, pretending not to hear the cry for help. I had given my pocket money to homeless people as a child, and no matter how much my heart sank when I thought about what their lives must be like, the kind, grateful smile I received from them in return always filled me up. I quickly covered the few meters and crouched down next to the figure crouched at his side. It was dark in the gateway, I couldn't see the man's face, but I could tell he might have a beard and was middle-aged from his voice. 

"What's wrong?" I asked him worriedly.

“Would you be kind and call an ambulance? My chest is hurting and I can barely breathe…”

I straightened up and immediately took my phone out of my pants pocket, then turned to make a call. But I didn’t have a chance to dial 911 because strong arms were pushing me against the wall. All the air rushed out of my lungs, and I suddenly didn’t understand what had happened. My attacker roughly twisted my arm back and took my phone, then began searching through my pockets as I tried in vain to free myself. He grunted in satisfaction when he found my wallet.

“Nick!” I heard Noah’s voice. The man suddenly froze, and the next moment something cold metal touched my neck.

"If you open your mouth, I'll slit your throat, understand?" he whispered in my ear. His breath smelled of alcohol, and it made me nauseous. It was only then that I began to realize how much trouble I was in, and that I could easily die. Control had slipped completely out of my hands, and my life was in the hands of an alcoholic maniac. I didn't dare even breathe, and as I swallowed, my Adam's apple tightened against the blade. Damn. I couldn't believe Noah and I had been given this little time together. This was impossible!

“Nick! Where are you?”

Noah’s voice was getting closer, and I was completely helpless. I closed my eyes and prayed that Noah wouldn’t get hurt. That I would survive this. The man’s body tensed behind me and pulled me away from the wall, the knife still at my throat. Then I saw Noah’s tall form silhouetted in the light filtering in from the street.

"If you want your friend to stay safe, you'll do what I say," the man said, addressing Noah. He pulled my arm back even further, and I felt the blade tighten against my skin.

"Okay, okay!" Noah raised his hands in surrender. I could hear the fear in his voice, but he kept up the perfect appearance of confidence. I don't know if he was trying to trick me or my attacker. "We all just want to go home, no one needs to get hurt."

“Walk to the wall and turn towards it! Then I will let your friend go,” the man replied. My heart was pounding as I watched Noah cautiously walk towards the wall and do as the man asked. The next moment I found myself kneeling on the ground and feeling something cold on my arm. Events were happening in quick succession, but I heard running footsteps and then I saw Noah kneeling next to me and pulling me into his embrace. When his scent crept into my nostrils, I finally dared to breathe again. I didn’t want to let him go and I hated that he tried to break free from my embrace so quickly. After all, two minutes ago I thought it was all over!

"Nick… Nick!" he said to me irritably as I clung to him. I didn't understand why he started maniacally tearing my jacket off, and it only started to come together when he touched my arm, which was tucked into the sweatshirt, and raised his hand between us. There was some dark liquid on his fingers, which slowly started to soak my clothes.

"Shit," I muttered as we looked at each other in fear.

[aurorafables]

From the Grey, Chapter 18.

Hey! The new chapter is here, I hope you will like it :)

“What was it like? I mean… was it different than with the girls?”

“Of course it was different. If it hadn't been obvious, Noah is a boy.” My sister laughed out loud, then extinguished her cigarette in the ashtray on the windowsill.

“You know I didn't mean it that way.”

Pairing: Noah Sebastian X Nicholas Ruffilo

Warnings: 18+, Explicit, Angst, Past character death, Suicidal thoughts

Tags: M/M, M/F, Slow burn, Childhood friends, Friends to lovers, Family drama, Band fic, Masturbation, Accidental Voyeurism, P in v sex, Hand Jobs, Oral Sex, Anal Sex

Word Count: 3.6k

Cross-posted: AO3

18.

"Miss you," I read the message on my phone screen.

Just two words, nothing more, but it was enough to immediately put a smile on my face. I lifted my head and looked around the table. Mom was talking to Chris and his girlfriend, Adeline was typing on her new phone she got for Christmas. Luckily, everyone was busy with something, only Danielle was grinning at me mischievously, cake fork in her mouth. 

“You’re more enchanted than usual,” she leaned over to me. “Mom, we’re going out to talk to Nick for a bit,” she said much louder. Mom nodded, then focused all her attention back on my brother and his new girlfriend. Danielle jumped up from the table and waited impatiently for me. I rolled my eyes, but I followed her, smiling.

We put on our jackets, and I immediately fished a cigarette out of the pack.

“I'll have one too,” she turned to me, and after I had lit both of our cigarettes, I looked at her expectantly. “We have nice weather today,” she said, looking at the front yard shining in the winter sun. “It rained all through Christmas. But I guess things were better in California.”

I knew she didn't want to talk to me about the weather. I smiled as I blew out a puff of smoke.

“Okay, what do you want to know?”

Danielle laughed and spread her arms.

“Everything, of course. What happened during the few days you were there?”

I felt like it was all a bit much, but I still wanted to let her in. I needed to talk to someone about this, and I knew I could trust my sister.

"We spent hours in the studio. Wrote music and talked a lot," I replied. "We finally managed to clarify our feelings." 

Danielle turned to me thoughtfully. The thumb of her cigarette-holding hand ran across her lips, her gaze as if trying to read me. I raised my eyebrows.

"What is it?" I asked her, laughing. "Come on, just poke it out."

I flicked the ash off the end of the thread and waited patiently. Danielle took a step closer to me and asked quietly, making sure no one else could hear.

“Did you two kiss?”

I bit my lip and looked into the distance with a small smile. Then I turned to my sister and leaned my shoulder against the wall of the house.

“Maybe,” I said, and Danni playfully kicked my leg. “Maybe we did other things too,” I replied, glancing up at her from under my eyelashes. I only found out later that she had managed to get more out of me than I initially wanted to reveal. 

Danielle made a little excited noise, then continued to smoke, still looking at me.

“What was it like? I mean… was it different than with the girls?”

“Of course it was different. If it hadn't been obvious, Noah is a boy.”

My sister laughed out loud, then extinguished her cigarette in the ashtray on the windowsill.

“You know I didn't mean it that way.”

"I know..." I sighed. "And to answer your question... It was incredibly different. Oh my god, it's hard to even put into words how different the two things are." I shook my head and continued, buried in memories: "It was like... like I finally found my home in his arms. Like I always belonged there."

I thought back to the days we spent together at the house, where we had created our own little bubble. In the three days since we broke up and I flew back to Virginia, I had closed my eyes at night and I could recall the caresses, the kisses Noah had showered all over my body so powerfully that I felt like he was with me. Of course, it was all just an illusion, but the fact was that he was inside me again on the morning of the flight home, and I could still feel him inside me the next day. Plus, there was a sensitive spot on the side of my neck, just under one of my tattoos, a reminder of a more intense kiss from the moment he came. 

"I've always been impressed by the bond you two have," she admitted, glancing down at her shoes. "I was jealous because I've always wanted a friendship like that. But then I realized why I need a friend when my brother is also the best friend in the whole world."

I tilted my head to the side and looked at my sister with heavy emotion. My heart filled with love, I walked up to her and pulled her into my arms.

"You can't imagine how much I adore you," I kissed the top of her head. "And how nice it is to have someone to talk to about all the crazy things that bother me."

Danielle looked up at me, determination gleaming in her huge gray eyes.

"I would kill for you. I hope Noah knows that."

I laughed to myself and pulled her head back onto my shoulder. It was only then that I noticed Chris had joined us and was already pouncing on my cigarette pack that I had left on the windowsill.

"What about Noah?" he asked, a cigarette pressed against his lips.

I looked down at my sister, a little desperate. I wasn’t ready to tell anyone about all this, even though Christian and I had always had a good relationship, but it wasn’t nearly as close as with my sister. Danni pulled away from the hug and turned to our brother.

"I resent the fact that he keeps stealing Nick away, and sometimes we don't see each other for months while they're on tour," Danielle replied with mock indignation.

"You're leaving soon, right?" my older brother asked with a smile.

I was relieved that the conversation had shifted to a more general topic. 

"Yes, to Europe. We'll be there for a few weeks," I replied. "I'll be home for two more days, then I'll fly to Los Angeles to join the guys."

"We could go bowling tonight. Just the three of us," Chris suggested, eagerly awaiting our response.

"I'm in," I said, glancing at my sister, who was also nodding enthusiastically.

“Then let's meet at our old place at seven.”

Spending time with my siblings was always fun and went by too quickly. It was almost midnight by the time I got home to my mom's house, while Danni and Chris had both gone to their own apartments. As I entered the foyer, I saw that the living room was still light. Mom was sitting on the couch with a tablet in her hand, she wrapped under a colorful blanket, probably reading something.

"Hello, baby," she smiled at me as I walked over to her and dropped myself down next to her. "Did you guys have a good time?"

"Danni beat us both at bowling. Twice," I replied, laughing softly as I rested my head on the seat. Adeline was probably long asleep, so I was careful not to be too loud. 

"That's right," Mom chuckled. "Danielle's a very clever girl, she wouldn't be able to deny who her mother is. Tell me, how have you been lately, Nicky?"

As we sat there in the near-darkness, Jerry, my cat, jumped onto the couch next to us. He moved in with mom months before so I began to pet him remorsefully when he lay down next to my thigh.

“Everything is fine. It's a lot of work, but we're enjoying it, after all, we get to do what we love the most. Noah will talk to his psychologist again, at least that's what he promised. He's under a lot of pressure... much more than any of us, but he's still handling the situation professionally. He says this is what he's always wanted, but…” I shook my head. “I'm a little worried about him.”

Mom was looking at my face from the side, the tablet screen still lit up in her lap. I saw her smile.

“Nick, honey, I understand if you're worried about your best friend, but I just asked how you're doing.”

When I understood her words, I felt all the blood rush to my face. Could I be that easy to read? I couldn't deny that Noah was on my mind day and night.

"I'm fine," I replied quietly, uncertainly.

“What about your old job at the tattoo salon? You've gotten over what happened with Maya?”

I sighed. To be honest, at least with myself, Maya hadn't even crossed my mind in the last few days. I could see why Noah hadn't told anyone about his breakup.

“Maya, we… Maya and I haven't gotten along for a long time,” I told her the truth. “It's better for both of us that we're not together anymore, and that's why I haven't regretted my decision about her for a minute. And the salon… I don't have much time for it these days, but I'm not complaining. I'll definitely come back to it later.”

Mom studied my face for a moment, then gave a barely perceptible nod. 

“I'm glad that you and Danni are so close, just like when you were kids. You know, it's wonderful for a mother to see and feel that her children get along well and support each other in everything.” 

"Danni is always there if I need anything," I agreed with Mom, digging my fingers into Jerry's black and white fur again.

Mom leaned her shoulder towards me and looked at me lovingly.

“Don't forget that I'm here too.”

For the second time that day, I thought about telling them, the rest of my family, what was going on with Noah and me. And for the second time, I felt guilty that I didn't have the courage to tell them. I have no idea what was holding me back. Maybe I was afraid that their opinion of me would change? That if they found out I was gay and I was dating my best friend, they wouldn't love me the way they did before? Of course, if I thought about it logically, using reason, I knew that my mother loved me unconditionally. And that this was the kind of love that Noah hadn't had as a child. I had a supportive family by my side, and I just couldn't tell them what was really going on with me, which only made me feel worse.

I slid down the couch and rested my head on Mom's shoulder as she continued reading the e-book. Jerry crawled onto my lap shortly after and curled up like a cocoa slug, and maybe I dozed off for a while. Then I decided it was time to go to sleep, took a deep breath, kissed Mom on the cheek, and walked towards my room, holding the cat in my arms.

I had been home for five days, and on the last day of the year, I felt Californian soil under my boots again. I walked excitedly through the airport, eager to get my big suitcase off the conveyor belt, as I was only minutes away from seeing Noah again. I got a message that they were already in the parking lot, and Jolly and he arrived just as I walked out the photocell door. Jolly started toward me, grinning, and Noah followed behind, his face unrecognizable under his sunglasses and hoodie. 

"Hello again!" Jolly hugged me first. "I guess you couldn't wait to see our dumb faces."

"And if that weren't a big problem in itself, we'll be locked up for weeks together," I replied with feigned boredom as I patted his back.

I turned to Noah, who had his arms crossed over his chest and was watching the passengers pouring into the airport. I stepped forward, a little apprehensive, and asked him carefully:

“Can I get a hug?”

Noah looked at me and finally smiled, but I wished I could see his eyes. He opened his arms and pulled me into a quick but pleasant hug. I barely had time to soak in his scent, his touch, I had to end it because I didn't want Jolly to get suspicious. Noah grabbed one of my suitcases and started pulling me towards the exit. It was then I realized that we had at least another hour of driving ahead of us.

“Guys, before we leave, I'm going to go to the toilet.”

Jolly nodded immediately, but Noah hesitated for a moment, as if he wanted something.

“I need to pee too,” he turned back to Jolly, as he had already joined me. We left my stuff with Jolly and walked with big steps, following the signs to the toilet. Noah was unusually quiet and reserved, which made me feel uncomfortable. What happened? Did he regret what we did at Christmas? Maybe he realized that he didn't really want anything from me when he could have almost anyone? Those few days were everything to me, but what if he didn't think so? I was so immersed in these thoughts that I was completely caught off guard when we entered the bathroom and I found myself smeared on the closed door. I let out a soft gasp of surprise. Before Noah leaned in to me, he pulled the hood of my jacket over my head to make it harder to recognize me. I moaned between his lips and pulled him closer, gripping his waist as our tongues met. It had the taste of some sweet fruit, with a flavor that only belonged to him hidden underneath, and I had been craving it desperately for the past few days.

“I missed you. I really…” a soft kiss on my chin “I missed you so much. You have no idea,” a little bite on my neck “how much.”

“I can imagine it now,” I laughed out of breath. A middle-aged man chose this moment to come out to the sinks, where the two of us had been. We scattered like birds and pretended to wash our hands. Noah glanced sideways and smiled at me from under his sunglasses, then tore off a paper towel to wipe his hands. I looked in the mirror and noticed how flushed I was, and my eyes were unusually shiny. The green iris was almost completely obscured by the dilated pupil, and my lips were red and slobbery. I licked my lips and noticed Noah staring at me, completely mesmerized. How were we going to keep ourselves away from each other for weeks around the others?

"I will hurry," I nodded towards the other room that opened from the hallway, towards the urinals.

Noah grabbed my hand and pulled me close so he could whisper in my ear.

"I'd rather wait outside. I don't know what I'd do if I saw you take your dick out."

Like a hurricane. Noah completely swept over me, then slipped out the bathroom door. My heart rate was probably sky high, my legs were shaking, so I had to hold on to the sink for a moment as he left me alone. I had only been alone for maybe a few seconds when two young boys came in, so I decided it was time to pull myself together. I quickly finished my business, washed my hands again, and then joined Noah in the hallway. When we got back to the exit, Jolly made some funny comments about where we had been for so long, to which Noah just shrugged and said we had a hard time finding the bathroom.

I wanted a lot of things that night, but a small house party that got crazier by the hour wasn’t one of them. Everyone we knew from the neighborhood was there, but around midnight I started to feel like Jesse and David had brought everyone in from the street also. The sounds of breaking glasses, booming bass, and laughter were all around me as I sat on one end of the couch, a cider in my hand. Noah and Jesse were playing darts, Jolly was hooking up with some chick in a dark corner, and I was thinking about going up to my room to rest after midnight. Although I had no idea how I was going to manage to rest in such a noisy environment. Noah raised his arms dramatically to the sky while Jesse laughed out loud. I think their darts match was over, and I could have guessed for sure which one of them had won. Noah walked towards me, shaking his head, displeased, but as he got closer, his grin grew wider. He was wearing a white, long-sleeved T-shirt with tight pants that showed off his butt and thighs too well. He had some kind of colorful drink with him, and I immediately suspected trouble. Cocktails have become his absolute weakness lately. 

Before he could cross the living room, a young girl, I think it was Katie, an acquaintance of Orie’s, grabbed his arm to get his attention. Noah smiled at her and stopped in front of her. I saw Katie looking him over, raising her glass to her lips and smiling at him, fluttering her huge false eyelashes. I drank my drink with a bitter taste and continued to stare at the pattern of the carpet. It was so much simpler when Noah and I were dating girls. So much simpler, and yet, in some inexplicable way, so much lonelier. Maybe I’m a masochist, but I glanced up at them again, watching their body language. Katie was desperately trying to keep Noah’s attention, but he kept glancing at me, half-turning away from her. Katie was laughing at something, but Noah just smiled politely, and then he grabbed her arm. He pulled her into a quick, one-sided hug, then left her alone.

He plopped down next to me on the couch and rested his chin on my shoulder.

"I lost," he shouted over the music. I pulled away a little because it was louder than it should have been.

"I'm sorry," I told him with a smile. "You'll definitely have better luck next time."

"I lost because you weren't there with me," he continued, leaning closer to me again. At first he tried to get me to go with them, but I had no desire to stand there while they played. He pursed his lips, and I felt his hand slide down my waist.

"Like a mascot?" I asked him.

Noah nodded, eyes sparkling. 

"Yeah, like those sexy women that rich men take to casinos," he agreed.

I raised the bottle to my mouth and took a sip, while Noah's words left a painful impression on me for some reason. I looked at the people and tried to completely ignore Noah.. But he definitely wanted to make things difficult for me. First he left a kiss on my cheek, which I just smiled at, then his lips slid to my chin, then to my neck under my hair. I flinched because he caught me by surprise, and at the same time, what he did was too good. However, it was enough for me to notice that Jolly was looking straight at us, and I immediately pulled away from Noah.

"Are you crazy?" I hissed at him through my teeth as I turned towards him.

Noah blinked innocently at me, his eyes sparkling with alcohol. He leaned in again, and I thought he was going to apologize, but that wasn’t the case.

“Let's go up to my room.”

I sighed in frustration.

“Everyone would be looking for us. We have to wait for the midnight toast.”

"I don't care about anyone but you," he said, looking into my eyes.

"If you weren't on your third cocktail, you would think differently," I replied without considering my words.

Now Noah's face contorted in pain as he stirred his drink with the small wooden stick.

"Since when have you been in my consciousness? You talk as if I'm so drunk I don't even know what I'm doing," he muttered.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. He was right. It wasn't like I didn't long for the two of us to finally be together.

"I'm sorry," I apologized. "I meant that you’re less concerned about the consequences right now. I just... don't really know how I should behave with you when other people are around."

Noah considered my words, then nodded. He brushed his hair back from his eyes and rested his elbows on his knees. He mumbled something, but I had to lean closer because I couldn’t hear anything over the music.

“Huh?”

"I wanted to shake Jolly down at the airport. I didn't want him to come with me," Noah said a little louder. "I was upset because I couldn't. And then because I felt guilty about trying to manipulate my friend so I could completely own you."

I could see on his face that he really was hurt by his own behavior, and I wanted to hug him, but I didn't want to draw attention to us. Maybe I was paranoid, who knows, because I would have done it without thinking. But when Noah put his free hand between us, I immediately laced our fingers together without realizing it.

"It'll get better with time," I promised him, because I thought that at the beginning of a relationship, everyone is completely crazy about their partner, which will slowly subside. I naively didn't take into account that we would be so close to each other so often, but not enough, that this nerve-wracking state would only fuel the fire between us. Noah nodded, wanting to believe me. The other option seemed too scary, so we didn't even mention talking to the others about what was between us.

[aurorafables]

From the Grey, Chapter 17.

Hi everyone! Today I brought you a rather spicy chapter. I hope you are having a good weekend :)

“Do you have any idea how amazing you are?” he asked me. He used his hand to smooth a few strands of my hair down on the pillow so it wouldn’t tug, then ran his thumb along my lower lip. I reached up and wrapped my arms around him, pulling him against me. We moaned together as our skin finally brushed against each other without the obstruction of our clothes.

Pairing: Noah Sebastian X Nicholas Ruffilo

Warnings: 18+, Explicit, Angst, Past character death, Suicidal thoughts

Tags: M/M, M/F, Slow burn, Childhood friends, Friends to lovers, Family drama, Band fic, Masturbation, Accidental Voyeurism, P in v sex, Hand Jobs, Oral Sex, Anal Sex

Word Count: 4.2k

Cross-posted: AO3

17.

It was dark by the time I got back to the two-story house the guys shared. The long walk and the cigarette I had smoked had taken its toll, because I was much calmer than when I had walked out the door. The houses on the street were lit with Christmas lights, and Noah was the only one who didn’t bother to turn them on. Christmas wasn’t one of his favorite holidays, and since everyone else had gone home, this was the only place where the lights weren’t on. What surprised me even more was that when I entered the hallway, I was greeted by complete darkness. I took off my boots and looked toward the studio, but no light filtered out from under the door. Turning toward the living room couch, I saw the dark figure sitting motionless. At least his silhouette. 

I turned on the floor lamp in the corner and watched Noah blink wildly while looking at me.

"It's not fair that you ask me to talk about everything that's going on inside my head while you step aside when we should be talking," he said slowly. His voice was sad and hoarse with suppressed emotions.

"You're right," I nodded, walking over to sit next to him. "But I needed to calm down a bit. I don't want what happened yesterday to happen again."

Noah turned to me and looked at my face as if trying to read it. 

"Better now?" he finally asked.

“A lot,” I answered him with a smile. “This whole situation is new to me. Then Jolly pointed out that half the world will want to know who you're with.”

Noah folded his arms in front of his chest.

“They have nothing to do with that.”

“That's true, but they are still our fans. Have you ever thought about how many people would give up on anything just to talk to you alone, like I do? How many people would want to sleep with you?”

Noah shook his head in frustration.

“I don't care what they want. All I care about is that there is only one person I really want.”

I closed my eyes for a moment as a subtle shiver ran through my entire body at his words. 

“We need to deal with them, and your rational self knows that.”

Noah thought about it, but finally nodded. It would have been pointless to deny that this was the truth. The fans are the ones who pay our bills, we can do what we love thanks to them. Another issue is that many people don't know, or just don't care, where the fine line is. 

“If we take them out of the equation, there's still my family, our friends. What would the band and crew think if they found out? I don't even know what to think about all this,” I sighed wearily and buried my face in my hands. “I'm not even sure the term "gay" fits me. I've never been interested in any guy, except you.”

I looked out from between my fingers and saw Noah grin, but he immediately bit his lip. 

“Does it matter what labels we put on ourselves? For a long time, I wasn't sure either.”

I lifted my head and looked at him.

“Is that why you experimented with men?”

“Maybe,” he shrugged. “It just happened that way. I realized that maybe I’m bisexual, but neither of them were you. Yesterday, when you complained about being inexperienced… that’s all irrelevant,” he shook his head resolutely. “It’s not about how good your technique is, it’s that you were with me. Do you understand? That’s all that matters. For now, I just don't care who’s going to think and say what. I’ll deal with it when I need to. But damn…” he picked up his cell phone from the coffee table and quickly muted it. “We’re going on tour soon. It’s going to be hard to find a time when we can be alone.” He looked deep into my eyes and moved a little closer to me so that our feet were touching. “If I don’t get more of you when we own the whole house, I’m going to go crazy. And believe me, both my rational and irrational selves agree with that.”

I took a deep breath, then decided to give a shit about the world. We both wanted the same thing, we had waited long enough, so why would I deny him and myself this? Life was too short not to spend it in each other’s arms. I swung my legs over him and sat on his thighs. Noah immediately reached out to push my unzipped jacket back off my shoulders, then as soon as he managed to push the garment to the floor, he pulled me close and pressed our lips together. He kissed me hard, passionately, but I felt like he was there with me, unlike the previous afternoon, when he had used it all as a distraction from his problems. As we kissed, I lost myself in my new favorite thing to do: feel him. It was heaven to breathe in his scent, to taste him, his hot hands on my waist that didn’t stay still, gripping my hips and immediately starting to rub me on his cock, which was getting harder and harder under his sweatpants. It was still unbelievable that I was the one causing this in him. Then there were the sounds. When I pulled his hair a little, he moaned. When we moved hard, simultaneously on each other, he took a deep breath. I freed him from his hoodie and shirt at once, then dug my blunt nails into his broad shoulders. Noah pulled back, the tip of his tongue licking my lips once more.

“Nick,” he looked up at me, his eyes dark from under his lashes. I smiled, ran my fingers along his chin, and kissed him again. I only planned to let go of his lips until he pulled my shirt over my head, but the next moment I found myself lying on the couch. Noah burrowed between my legs, looking down at me like a predator as his hand slid down into my pants.

"Shit," I whispered, trembling, when he took me into his hand.

Noah growled and gripped my cock as firmly as if he were just reaching for his own.

"Louder," he said to me, dissatisfied. "I want to hear your voice. There's no one in the house except us. Just... feel my hand," he added.

No, it wasn’t as if he’d given me a chance to focus on anything else. I took a deep breath, closed my eyes, but I found his erection as he knelt over me, blindly. I started to stroke him too, but not nearly as effectively, because he was too far away from me. I whimpered in frustration, because I needed to feel him. Luckily, Noah got the message right away, sliding a little closer on his knees so I could reach him better. My legs found space on either side of his waist, his cock sometimes pressing against the back of my thigh, and when I looked up at the ceiling, for a moment the whole room started to spin with me. His fingers… his long, thin, tattooed fingers… I wanted to feel them inside me. His hips, his hard cock, pressed rhythmically against my thighs or my groin, sometimes trapping our hands between us. Noah bent down and bit my neck, and as I listened to his gasps—and my own—I thought to myself that it all felt too much like what would happen if… I put my free hand over my mouth, but then I dug my fingers into Noah’s hair instead, knowing he wanted to hear me. I groaned and tore at his hair, and he moaned loudly too. 

"You're so warm here," he whispered breathlessly into my mouth as we rested our foreheads together, and his hand ran down my thighs, then carefully reached between them, under my balls. I was frustrated that he let go of my cock, but I loved the way he explored and stroked sensitive areas he hadn't touched before. 

"There's a place where... where I'm even warmer," I gasped in response, only to think back on what I'd said and I surprised myself. I could see the realization took a few seconds for him too. I blinked and looked up at him as time stood still for a moment. Noah looked deep into my eyes, his hand returning to its original place, and this time he didn't spare me. The feeling was so intense that my hips rose off the couch, and I was surprised at how loud I could be when I didn't want to hold myself back at all.

He leaned down to my mouth, moaning, and kissed me roughly, and I moaned into his mouth, enjoying it. Bright dots flew before my eyes, as if they were fireflies, or as if the universe had exploded. For a while, unaware of the world, I tried to analyze them with my slowed-down brain, then Noah's face slowly emerged before me, and I realized that I was much more interested in his features, the depth of his eyes, than the universe. 

"That was fast," I heard his slurred voice mingle with my heartbeat pounding in my ears.

"Oh, shut up!" I said, exhausted, but with a satisfied smile on my face.

He chuckled softly, then ran his teeth along my chin.

“You drive me crazy, you know that?” He pulled his hips away from me, I couldn’t reach him again, but he watched me with a grin as I reached out towards him anyway. “What do you want? My finger? My cock?”

“Yes, everything, in that order,” I replied cheekily, hoping he understood the hint. I groaned in frustration when I couldn’t reach under his sweatpants on my third try, and then again when Noah grabbed both of my wrists and forced them down toward my head. I blinked in awe, because that wasn’t something I’d ever done before. I watched the muscles in his arms tense, and it slowly dawned on me that I wasn’t sure I could get out of his grip even if I wanted to. This was new. And for some reason, it was very exciting. Noah tilted his head to the side and watched with a knowing smile as my body trembled a little again.

"You're like me. I always suspected that," he said in a raspy voice. I didn't really understand what he meant, but I figured we'd talk about it later. "Did you really mean what you said?" he looked deep into my eyes.

He let go of my hands and snuggled up to me, holding only his chest above me with his arms so he could see my face. I could feel how sticky everything was around my groin, and I wanted to get rid of my clothes, and then free Noah from his too.

"We have too many clothes on," I said with pursed lips.

Noah nudged his chin with his nose.

"Answer the question," he said softly, then pushed my thighs apart with his knee. That was it. Our groins brushed together again, and I cursed our stupid clothes again.

"I bought a lube and condom yesterday," I replied simply. I ran my fingers through his hair and tugged gently. "Is that an acceptable answer?"

Noah stared at me for a moment, his face unrecognizable, then nodded. The small wrinkles between his eyebrows deepened as he looked sideways, toward the back of the couch.

"Let's go up to my room. My bed will be more comfortable," he finally said, and climbed off me. He held out his hand to me, and I took it, which he didn't let go until we went up to his room. As soon as we entered the door, I went to my bag and found the small paper bag that hid the necessary things. I threw everything on the bed, and then we sat down opposite each other, cross-legged, just like we used to do when we were kids, doing our homework together, except there were no notebooks or textbooks in front of us. While I was fiddling with the lube packaging, Noah opened the condom box and took out a small sachet. I saw his hand shaking as he did it, and when he looked up, I smiled encouragingly at him.

"Have you done this before?" I asked him as I placed the wrappers and the box of condoms on the nightstand.

Noah bit his lip and shook his head slightly. It was then that the realization hit me that we were both practically inexperienced, which was exciting and scary at the same time.

“Okay… um, then maybe I'm a little more experienced because I've tried it with a girl before,” I told him, and maybe my hands weren't shaking, but my voice definitely was.

Noah smiled.

"Then why are we doing it like this?" he asked with raised eyebrows.

That was a good question. There was just this growing desire to feel him inside me, every minute.

"I have no idea," I admitted, laughing. "I just… I just know that I want you."

Noah was silent for a moment.

"Okay… okay," he said, much more confidently the second time. "In theory, I know how it works."

He didn’t do anything any longer, just got up from the bed to get rid of his pants. I watched in amazement for a moment as his muscles stood out in the mood lighting. I watched the play of shadows and light on his body, the shimmer of paint under his sweaty skin, his hair falling forward as he bent down to get out of his socks. I took off my shirt too, then leaned back so that I could finally lift my hips and get out of my still-wet pants and underwear. I kicked off my socks and looked up, blushing because I knew he was staring. This always embarrassed me, even though I thought I had gotten over my shyness long ago. Noah tilted his head to the side and, holding his cock in his hand, fondled himself with slow movements, then stepped closer and knelt between my legs on the mattress, leaning on either side of my head with his arms. 

“Do you have any idea how amazing you are?” he asked me. He used his hand to smooth a few strands of my hair down on the pillow so it wouldn’t tug, then ran his thumb along my lower lip. I reached up and wrapped my arms around him, pulling him against me. We moaned together as our skin finally brushed against each other without the obstruction of our clothes. Noah was hot everywhere, and his cock was wet and hard against the crook of my thigh. I could see his freckles, the tiny mole under his eye, his Adam’s apple moving up and down under his tattoo, as he swallowed hard before kissing me. As we lost ourselves in each other like there was no tomorrow, I reached out for the lube on the bed. Noah noticed my moving, so he pulled away from me a little, and when he held out his hand, I squeezed a little onto his fingers. He knelt down and tried to warm the clear gel with his other hand. We acted as if we had done this many times before, only to both of us waver when he touched me and my legs involuntarily closed, trapping his hand.

“Sorry… sorry… “ I told him desperately, pressing my forearms to my eyes, which I almost immediately dropped to my side. We need to see each other. I knew it would be easier for both of us that way. “I'm still a little sensitive after the orgasm…”

Noah smiled understandingly, then moved his body back between my thighs. He leaned down to kiss me, his lips sliding over my neck, the back of his hand caressing my leg, all the way up until his wet fingers finally brushed against my entrance. I waited with bated breath for him to penetrate me, but instead he began to gently massage my muscles as his lips stroked my collarbone. I felt electric shocks everywhere we made contact, and I was surprised to find that I liked what he was doing between my legs with his finger. My cock filled with blood again without touching it, and more moans mixed with my rapid breaths. He moved lower, his mouth closing around my nipple, and while I was busy with that feeling, one of his fingers slipped in easily an inch. Noah groaned, and I bit my lip, gripping the sheet. 

"Fuck..." I muttered to the ceiling. It was strange... so fucking unusual. But that's all my heart wanted, and soon my body started to get used to the idea.

I rested my foot on the bed, and when Noah sucked hard on my nipple, I moved toward his finger almost instinctively. 

During our breathless moans, sloppery kisses, and restless squirming, somehow one finger turned into two, then three, and my brain must have shut down somewhere halfway through, because looking back, I couldn't remember when I started begging him to move on. 

I felt him carefully pull his fingers out, then reach for the condom and unwrap it. I just stared at him, still having a hard time grasping what we were doing and how not even the apocalypse could stop me because I wanted him so much. I think we both agreed on that. His cock was hard against his thighs as he rolled the condom onto himself, smeared it with lube, and leaned towards me.

"Is that how you want it?" he asked me in a deep, hoarse voice that was enough to turn me on more. I didn't trust my own voice, so I just nodded, even though I didn't even think about the question. He kissed me, his fingers were down there. When he let go of me so he could see what he was doing, his hanging hair tickled my face. I inhaled his scent deeply and ran my fingers along the line of his spine. Then when he tilted his hips forward and slowly, inch by inch, pushed deeper and deeper, my lips parted and my toes curled involuntarily. I never thought that the mixture of pain and pleasure could be so in harmony with each other. I slowly moved my fingers from vertebra to vertebra on his back, at the same maddening pace as he slid deeper and deeper inside me. That, and his closeness, slowly distracted me from any unpleasant sensations. Noah dropped his head onto my shoulder and stopped. His rapid breathing gave me goosebumps as I tried to process the many emotions and sensations that were flooding through me. It was like I was making love for the first time in my life.

Noah lifted his head and searched my face with his gaze.

"Are you okay? Am I doing it right?" he asked, worried.

I nodded, then cleared my throat.

"Yeah," I whispered to him. "So… perfect," I tried to put into words what I felt, but it wasn't easy. I smoothed a few sweaty hair strands from his flushed face, and we just looked at each other, ignoring words and movements.

Noah finally smiled, then reached for my hands and laced our fingers together by my head. When he started moving, I pulled my legs up, wrapped them around his waist, and we both moaned because he reached even deeper. He paid attention to my every little movement, and when he saw that it’s too much, he immediately slowed down a little. I couldn't stay still for long, after a while I was moving with him, and there was a point where all hell broke loose. Or heaven. At first I just accidentally clenched around his dick after a rough move, but when I realized that this would make him cum, I did it on purpose.

"Oh my god… Nick…" he moaned into my ear, then ran his teeth down my neck. His movements became erratic, then after half a minute he stopped completely, and I felt his cock throbbing inside me, and came with a loud moan.

I held him with both my arms and legs, not wanting to let him go yet. I didn't want it to end. When he got to his knees and pulled out, my hands wrapped around my own cock, desperately needing that orgasm. Noah took off the condom in one motion, then tied, and threw it to the floor. 

"Don't stop what you're doing," he said to me, focusing solely on me again and biting gently into my raised knee. "What do you want? Hm?" 

I stared at him, lost, then, driven by a sudden idea, I sat up and pushed him down onto the mattress. I draped my leg over one of his thighs and continued to move my hand on myself, kneeling above him. The desire to have my cum on his dark tattoos was overwhelming. My messy, sweaty hair hung in my face as I stared intently at the wonder beneath me. Noah reached out his arms to me, caressing my skin, then his fingers wandered between my legs. He stopped at my entrance, which was now sensitive for a completely different reason than before. I longing for him to do something, but he remained annoyingly still, just waiting.

"Come on, Nick, I know you want it," he said, looking deep into my eyes. 

I turned off my brain and let my instincts guide me. I would have done anything that I could as a chance to push me over the edge. I felt like I was in a stormy sea, with Noah as my lighthouse and all I had to do was follow my siren call. Then, without second thinking, I slid my thighs apart and lowered myself onto his two offered fingers. I tilted my hips forward and my cock entered my grip. I shook my hair out of my face, but it wasn’t very successful and I quickly gave up, then just shook my head in disbelief. Something couldn’t be this good. Sex couldn’t be this good.

"Noah… Noah!" I repeated his name almost hysterically as I continued to move, watching him lick his lips and caress my tense abdomen with his free hand. I was loud, but I only realized it afterwards, it didn't matter at that moment.

I was finished soon. I was in tears, my body shaking like a leaf in the wind, and after decorating the tattoos on his thighs and stomach with fat, white drops, I almost fell on his hot body. Now Noah hugged me, carefully pulled out his fingers, which made me hiss. I breathed into his neck, while placing my palm on his chest to feel how fast his heart was beating. It took a while for me to mentally return to his room, to his bed.

"So... how was the first one?" he asked softly, reaching under my hair and caressing the back of my neck.

"Fucking intense," I told him, because that was the adjective that immediately came to mind. I touched my face and couldn't believe how wet it was. "I have no idea if I was crying that much or if it's just sweat," I admitted, lifting my head and looking at him.

“Does it matter?” Noah searched my eyes, then fell silent for a moment. “Jesus, if you could see yourself now…” he sighed. “Your eyes are sparkling, your face is flushed, and your mouth is a little swollen from the kisses or the way you bit it. Your hair is a complete mess,” he added with a sweet smile. “But I love it, because I did it to you.”

I chuckled softly and dropped my forehead onto his chest.

"Okay, tell me what it was like for you," I asked him as I lay back down on his chest. I didn't want to move, even though we could both use a good shower. Our bellies were stuck together from the drying semen, there was that weird, slippery feeling between my legs from all the lube, but I still wanted to cuddle with him.

“Hm… Fast. I'm sorry I couldn't wait for you,” he admitted. “Too good… too tight… too delicate…”

I felt his cock start to harden again under my hips, and that was enough to make me want to move.

"Shall we shower together?" I asked him when I lifted my head again.

"Are we mixing the pleasant with the useful?" Noah raised his eyebrows.

I climbed off him, then extended my arm to help him get out of bed.

"I don't think I'd be able to keep myself away from you after all this, so... you could say that," I replied, glancing down at his penis.

"I don't want you to be away from me in any way," Noah said as he followed me. Naked, soaked in sex from head to toe, we walked toward the bathroom, and that's when I finally realized how good it was that there was no one else in the house but us.

[aurorafables]

From the Grey, Chapter 16.

Hey! So it's a bittersweet chapter again. I hope you will like it :)

“I love you.”

It had never been so easy to say this to someone I considered my partner. I wasn't even afraid of what he would say, because if he said he couldn't stand me, I would still want him to know how I felt. It was self-evident, and we had said it to each other before, but now the word had a slightly different meaning. It said that I was proud of him, I admired him for who he was, I wanted to be with him, I longed for him, and my life had meaning with him. My other half, my soulmate, and now my lover. 

Pairing: Noah Sebastian X Nicholas Ruffilo

Warnings: 18+, Explicit, Angst, Past character death, Suicidal thoughts

Tags: M/M, M/F, Slow burn, Childhood friends, Friends to lovers, Family drama, Band fic, Masturbation, Accidental Voyeurism, P in v sex, Hand Jobs, Oral Sex

Word Count: 3.4k

Cross-posted: AO3

16.

I had just come back from smoking on the afternoon of Christmas Day and quietly snuck back to Noah’s studio. I could see that he was really focused on something, so I quietly collapsed on the couch because I didn’t want to disturb him. 

We spent half the day there, talking, writing music, and kissing… and then kissing some more. Finally I was able to do what I had wanted for so long, and I had never felt so free. I could touch him, tell him how wonderful he was, bury my nose in his neck or hair, feel his lips. It was as if I had been freed from a cage and the sky was the limit.

We talked all night long, and only when the first rays of dawn appeared did we fall asleep, hugging each other, in Jolly’s bed. Noah finally talked about his feelings and how he felt he needed therapy again because of the pressure he was under, and I assured him that I supported the idea and asked him to tell me everything that was hurting him, because I may not be an expert, but I wanted to know what was going on inside him so I could help in my own way. We still had so much to talk about, but I felt like this was a perfect place to start. 

Noah turned to his other screen to mix audio tracks, and I looked at his profile, his brown locks hanging in his eyes, his perfect nose, and suddenly I understood something important. He noticed I was paying attention and smiled, but he could probably see the stormy emotions on my face because he took off his headphones and turned his chair completely towards me.

“Nick, what’s wrong?” he asked worriedly as he leaned forward and rested his elbows on his knees.

I shook my head, dazed, so violently that my locks flew into my face.

“I just realized how stupid I was.”

"Would you explain that?" he tilted his head to the side, completely confused.

I smoothed back my hair and took a deep breath.

"Yesterday I asked you a question I should have known the answer to. How could I be such an insensitive bastard?" I continued to shake my head.

"You're neither insensitive nor an asshole," Noah said, not tolerant of contradiction. "Could you finally tell me why you are telling me so much nonsense?"

"Because I should have known," I replied in frustration. "You didn't tell me about what Maya did because of Andrew and your mother."

Noah’s face showed a pained expression, and he immediately looked down. He didn’t deny my statement, but I could tell he didn’t want to talk about it. He reached for his water and drank the rest of the bottle, then just stared straight ahead. I was surprised when he spoke.

“Do we need to talk about this?” he asked cautiously, glancing at me. He put the bottle down, then reached to his forehead and brushed back a strand of hair.

I stood up from my seat, walked over to him, and stepped between his legs. I pulled his head close to mine, and his arms moved almost on their own so he could hug me too. 

"We don't have to talk about this if you don't want to," I gave him a kiss on the head. "We don't have to do anything you don't feel like doing."

“But I feel like it's important to you... you want to know what's on my mind.”

“Because I want to help. And if I make things worse, there's no point.”

Noah grabbed my shirt and looked up at me with his doe eyes, which immediately made my legs shake.

"I was afraid I would lose you. I was afraid you would hate me. I was afraid you would say I was lying."

This is exactly what happened when Noah told his mother that Andrew wanted to get close to him. His girlfriend's minor son. At the time, I wondered a lot about whether Noah had ever stopped loving his mother. She had tortured him, hurt him in so many ways that anyone would have understood if he had distanced himself from her. But I knew very well that if he had, Noah would not have been hurt as much as his mother had reacted to the incident. A child in his final desperation tried to connect with his mother by turning to her for help. He reached out to her, and what did he get in return? Hatred, pain, and scars.

"Noah, I want to take a shower too!" I knocked on the door of our shared bathroom, a change of clothes in hand. Noah had been living with me in the small apartment above the tattoo parlor for about a week, and I was still getting used to having a roommate again after I had been freed from my siblings a few months ago. It was easier to get used to the comfort than to having to share a bathroom again. I took my phone out of my pocket and, glancing at the clock, realized with a sigh that I was going to be late if I didn't hurry up. I pounded on the door again, and since I was unsuccessful again, I reached for the handle to see if it would lock. I opened the bathroom with a triumphant smile, and the steam immediately hit my face, completely fogging up my glasses. I could only hope that I still had some warm water left. A few days ago, I gently mentioned to Noah that we were going to have to pay the water bill, and he blushed and apologized, and up until now he had managed to shower in three minutes. I took off my useless glasses and walked to the shower. Noah tilted his head back, washing the shampoo out of his hair with his eyes closed. His fingers massaged his scalp, then slowly slid through his silky curls, and he started the process all over again. He was in a completely different place, and I couldn’t blame him for that. He was still too young, and he had already been through as much shit as anyone else in a lifetime. He needed time to process it all. During the day, he seemed fine, handling the separation from his entire family perfectly, but when he thought I wasn’t paying attention, he would just stare straight ahead for long minutes. I put my clean clothes on the counter, then took a deep breath, raised my hand, and knocked on the glass. He flinched and turned his head toward me.

"Are you home yet?" he said, turning off the water.

"I'm meeting Melissa," I told him, but I didn't add that we had agreed the night before that I would come home early from work. He hadn't been paying attention to me lately, but I knew that I was still important to him, and it would be better if I was patient with him.

Noah opened the shower door and smiled. His hair stuck to his neck, water droplets danced on his eyelashes, his face flushed under the hot water. He reached for the dryer and took off his towel, then wrapped it around his waist and sat down on the closed toilet seat.

I started to undress, throwing my clothes on the wet ground. I tied my hair up on top of my head with a hair tie, then stepped into the shower. I was done in two minutes, and Noah waited patiently the whole time.

"Are you guys going to fuck?" he asked as I started to dry off. I tilted my head in confusion because we hadn't talked about it so openly before.

"I don't know... maybe," I shrugged, pulling my boxers on.

"Would you like to?" he looked up at me curiously, the corners of his mouth still curling up. I'm sure he enjoyed embarrassing me. I could see it in the twinkle in his dark eyes.

I slapped his shoulder a little with my towel and shook my head, laughing.

“Melissa and I both work a lot at the salon, we could use some relaxation.”

"So you're going to fuck," Noah declared triumphantly.

I rolled my eyes and my gaze accidentally fell on Noah’s thighs. The white towel’s edge and his fair skin showed thin, pink streaks. The smile immediately disappeared from my face, as I remembered my cousin who had tried to take his own life with a blade two years ago. I stared at the small scars until Noah pulled the towel down and covered them. Our eyes locked, and both of us were scared, but probably for different reasons. 

"These are old," he said softly, catching his gaze.

I turned away in resignation, walked to the sink, and put toothpaste on my toothbrush. As I brushed my teeth, my mind was elsewhere. I tried to figure out how to respond to this. What should I do or say to make sure this never happens again? Am I good enough to save him from his demons? Or is it all just a delusion, and could anyone help him more than I can?

Thin arms wrapped around me from behind, and I felt his forehead on my shoulder, his hot skin on my back. I rinsed my mouth and placed mine on his hand, which was smoothed over my heart.

"You are important to me," I whispered to the mirror. "Please never forget that. If you want to talk, I'm here."

Noah lifted his head, and our gazes met again in the mirror.

“You are important to me too, so I promise I won't do anything stupid.”

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath of relief. I believed him. I didn't fully understand his motivations, but I believed he didn't want to hurt me. And I was sure he knew that giving up would hurt me the most.

"Come on, you can't be late for your date," he said to me, jokingly pinching my waist, then taking a few steps back. "Have fun, you really deserve it."

"We're going to that house party Vincent mentioned this weekend, okay?" I turned to him, reaching for the rest of my clothes to put on. I sprayed myself with deodorant and adjusted my bun a little.

"I'm in," he agreed, combing his hair.

I picked up my perfume, but Noah's disapproving look made me stop.

“Why would you want to cover up your natural scent?” he asked, then went into the room to find some clean clothes for himself. I glanced at the perfume bottle I’d bought with my first paycheck, then shrugged and put it back in its place.

"Niiicky, can you see what I drew yesterday?" my little sister ran to me as I entered the kitchen. Mom was making dinner and was glad to have someone to take care of Adeline. I picked her up and walked over to Mom to give her a kiss on the cheek.

Mom smiled and continued slicing the meat.

"Of course I'll take a look," I turned to my sister, who had already unfolded the paper with the stick figures.

“We had to draw our family,” Adeline explained, and I easily recognized Chris’s biker shirt, Danielle’s adorable baby face, my long curls… and there was Noah standing next to me with his brown eyes and pale freckles as we held hands. “Noah’s my brother too, right?” Adeline asked.

Noah had spent a lot of time at our family's house over the past two years, since we became inseparable friends. He was always much more comfortable with us than at home, and he quickly settled in. It was completely understandable that my sister was confused. I smiled and ruffled her hair.

"Not by blood, but he loves you like you're his sister," I replied, then set her down on the floor. Adeline took a moment to digest what she had heard, but then she seemed satisfied with the answer and ran back to her room.

"Last night before bed, she asked if Noah was coming with you," Mom said, glancing at me. "She said Noah's hair was so soft and he always smelled so good. I think she's a little in love."

I frowned.

“She is in love with him and thinks he's her brother? That's sick.”

Mom laughed out loud and nudged my side with her elbow.

“She is four, Nicky. Do you remember who you were in love with when you were his age?”

"I don't think I want to know," I trailed off, to which Mom laughed out loud again. "Can I help you with something?" I asked, glancing at the counter.

“Could you put some more salt on it, please?”

I nodded, then salted the chicken thighs. 

"Kate got a big box of chicken at a discount," Mom explained cheerfully. "They expire in two days, but who cares? These will run out tonight."

I bit my lip because I was suddenly overcome with guilt. 

"Don't be angry that I didn't bring any money home," I said to my mother with a pout, but she immediately shook her head.

"Don't be silly, Nicky. You're not living with us anymore, and you have to eat and pay the bills. Not to mention Noah is living with you now."

“Noah and his band have several concerts coming up in the spring, and I can help you out. Then we can share the costs a little better.”

Mom looked up at me and smiled.

“Believe me, we're doing well. We may not spend on luxury items, but the girls always have food and new shoes. Chris is also working now, and they pay well at the motorcycle dealership. Tell me about how Noah is doing? I think about him every day.”

The question was a bit off-putting two days after I discovered the self-harm marks on my friend's body. However, I knew that my mother studied psychology in the social care course she had completed a few years ago, so it seemed perfect to ask her for advice.

"Noah, he's… not himself yet. It's like…" I tried to find the perfect words - "like he's existed in another world since we moved in together."

Mom put the meat in the oven and turned her full attention to me as she leaned against the counter.

“He needs time.”

"I know, it's just..." I nervously brushed my hair back from my face. "He seems to be taking it really well and doesn't want to talk about it yet, which I completely understand. I feel incredibly privileged that he told me what happened before he left."

"Just?" Mom urged curiously.

“I noticed this week that there were scars on his thighs. He cut himself, but he said it was a long time ago, which I believe since there are no fresh scars. But I panicked anyway,” I admitted, my head down. Mom put a reassuring hand on my shoulder and squeezed it a little.

"The woman who gave birth to him shouldn't even be called a mother," he muttered to me, with an anger that startled me at first. He had never spoken with such disgust about anyone. "She's worse than the devil himself. But there's something you have to keep in mind, Nick. Deep down, Noah still loves her, no matter what he tells you."

"How does this relate to the scars?" I looked at him in confusion.

“I once spoke to a psychiatrist who had just come out of a seven-year-old child who had been admitted to the home because her mother had broken her arm on purpose. The poor thing was crying, rolling around on the cold floor in her cast, the nurses had to sedate her. She was making this whole circus because she wanted to go home. She said she missed her mother. I didn't understand why the fear she carried within her towards the woman didn't override this longing. The psychiatrist was a polite, old man with a lot of experience behind him, his eyes always twinkling kindly, so I went up to him and asked him why the little girl didn't want to stay. Do you know what he said?” I just shook my head at the poetic question and waited with bated breath for the answer. “When a mother doesn't love her child, and the child realizes this, he doesn't start hating his mother. At that moment, he begins to hate himself from the bottom of his heart.”

I digested what I heard for a long time, my throat tightening. Meanwhile, Amy came back and begged me to build a Lego fort with her, and then Danni came home from school soon after, so my mother and I didn't talk about Noah anymore. After that, I watched Noah maniacally for weeks, but as the scars faded even more, I managed to let it go a little. Until the moment his mother tried to contact him again.

“I love you.”

It had never been so easy to say this to someone I considered my partner. I wasn't even afraid of what he would say, because if he said he couldn't stand me, I would still want him to know how I felt. It was self-evident, and we had said it to each other before, but now the word had a slightly different meaning. It said that I was proud of him, I admired him for who he was, I wanted to be with him, I longed for him, and my life had meaning with him. My other half, my soulmate, and now my lover. 

Noah smiled in his chair. He was incredibly sexy, even in his hoodie, his hair messy, his sweatpants baggy. So many people wanted him when he was up on stage. And it was hard to believe he was mine.  

Noah moved and I leaned forward on the couch, but at that moment his old phone, which he had transferred his SIM card into, rang, breaking the pleasant silence. We looked at each other and laughed. I leaned back against the back of the couch and Noah slumped back in his chair and picked up the phone from the table.

"It's Jolly," he said before answering the call and putting it on speakerphone.

"Hey, Matt was just explaining what happened while I was on the plane," he said in a thick Swedish accent. I didn't know why, maybe it was the Scandinavian air or because he'd been with his family for half a day. "This is really sick, guys."

"We've already figured out a solution, you've probably seen it on the band's social media," Noah replied, his voice firm and calm. I knew he was upset about it all, but he handled it very well.

“Yeah, and I've been reading the comments. Everyone is finally starting to calm down. But hey, Noah... I don't envy you if you ever get together with a girl and it gets serious," Jolly added, laughing reluctantly.

Noah and I looked at each other, and I tried to swallow the sudden lump in my throat. I caught his gaze and started to pick at the skin next to my nail. 

"I knew this would happen once we became famous," Noah replied, and I could still feel him looking at me. "It's impossible to prepare for it, but you're here to help me with everything."

His optimism didn't make me feel any better. I was overwhelmed with despair at the pressure I was under to keep Noah and I from knowing, and I wasn't sure it was a good idea to tell the band who we considered our family. It was a huge relief that Danielle already knew, but eventually the rest of my family would have to be told...

I got up from the couch, put on my jacket, and checked my pockets for my lighter and pack of cigarettes. I was in dire need of a cigarette, and I’d only smoked my last one twenty minutes earlier. Noah watched me walk out the door without a word. He didn’t ask where I was going, and he didn’t try to stop me, which I was grateful for. He continued to answer Jolly about what we’d been up to in the studio the past two days, and then I closed the door behind me, and I didn’t hear them again. But my own disturbing thoughts were louder than anything in the world.

[aurorafables]

From the Grey, Chapter 15.

Hi everyone! I finally brought you the new chapter, I hope you will like it :)

“How long has this been going on?” I asked, caressing his side. He wasn’t wearing a shirt, just an undershirt, and his skin was hot under my fingers.

Noah turned his head towards me, and I was sure he was trying to figure it out too.

He took a deep breath, then let it out slowly, trembling.

“Is this important? I don't know the exact date, but it had something to do with me moving away from you.”

Pairing: Noah Sebastian X Nicholas Ruffilo

Warnings: 18+, Explicit, Angst, Past character death, Suicidal thoughts

Tags: M/M, M/F, Slow burn, Childhood friends, Friends to lovers, Family drama, Band fic, Masturbation, Accidental Voyeurism, P in v sex, Hand Jobs, Oral Sex

Word Count: 3.6k

Cross-posted: AO3

15.

Noah offered to get us all something to drink, but maybe he just wanted to relieve some of the pressure. When he disappeared into the kitchen, I looked at Matt.

“What did the girl do?”

"She claims she was with you guys for weeks on tour. And that Noah forbade her from contacting her friends and family," Matt explained, gesturing wildly. "Then another account popped up, a fan who allegedly saw Noah with his girlfriend at a coffee shop."

I stared at him with wide eyes, then shook my head in disbelief. 

“Would the two people be the same?”

"It could easily be. I suspect the girl didn't like me sending her away that morning," Matt replied.

"I'm not sure it was her at all," Noah came back with cans of soda in his hands. "It could have been anyone who was bored and wanted some attention."

“Well, now she's got it. That's what's making the band's social media buzz.”

"Lies usually spread much faster than boring truths," Noah shrugged.

"You've worked hard enough these past few months to keep your life far from being boring," Matt scolded Noah. I closed my eyes and clutched my Pepsi tightly. I was expecting a volcano to erupt, lightning to strike, whatever, so Noah's soft voice surprised me.

“I've been trying to lead this band to success for years. This and my friends are my life without a family. I'm working my ass off to survive, to get through a pandemic, and pretty much anything else, so that you, Matt, can have a job. You've contributed a hell of a lot to the success we've had this year, don't get me wrong. But you don't have to act like I'm some unruly child. I'm an adult, and I live my life, especially my sex life, the way I want to. Maybe it was a bad idea to bring a fan up to my hotel room, but I did it because I was so stressed out and needed to relax.”

I was amazed to see Noah's profile, proud that he managed to stay calm despite the circumstances. Matt must have felt the same way, because he listened to what he had to say without saying a word, and after a short pause, he slowly exhaled, knowing he had been holding it in for so long.

“Don’t be angry. I’d hate for this to come at the expense of our friendship.” Then he turned to me. “And I’m sorry, Nick. I shouldn’t have spoken to you like that when you arrived.”

“True, I could have imagined a friendlier welcome,” I teased him, enjoying the tension finally starting to disappear from the living room. “Why don't we just write that Noah couldn't have been in the café, because we were already on our way to the next location?”

"That's all?" Matt raised his eyebrows.

"Nick's right. We shouldn't overthink this," Noah immediately stood by me. "If we're lucky, the truth will prevail," he chuckled to himself before raising the soda can to his lips.

“Noah, you’re not usually this optimistic,” Matt remarked as he jotted something down on his phone. Noah looked at me from under his hair that was falling into his eyes and smiled a little.

“Maybe I was having a good day,” he shrugged. I smothered my own smile in my soda, hoping Matt didn’t notice anything unusual about us.

“Okay, then I'll write the post under my own name, if you agree.”

“Sure” Noah nodded. “If possible, also include the fact that they don't have to immediately believe everything they read on the internet from all sorts of random sources.”

Matt stayed until almost four in the afternoon because, once he got over, he had to go over some things he had to discuss with Noah about the upcoming tour. We talked, ordered food, had lunch, and talked again. I kept glancing at my watch because I couldn’t wait to be alone with Noah and sit down to talk things over. When Noah finally showed him out, the sun was starting to set outside, and I could barely contain myself. I dropped my head on the back of the couch and waited for him to come back. Noah walked toward me, smiling. I lifted my head and followed with my eyes as he stopped in front of me, knelt on the couch, and lifted one of his legs over mine to sit down on my lap. I felt his weight on my thighs, and soon his hand on the back of my head, playing with a few strands of my hair.

"I can't believe we're finally alone," he said softly, stroking my chin. I watched him with half-closed eyes, then I placed one hand on his waist and pulled him closer, as I slid down. Noah sucked in a breath when he felt my cock under his ass, and I dropped my head back again.

"We should talk," I said uncertainly towards the ceiling, because in the meantime he had started to move in my lap and my determination had begun to evaporate.

"Can we do it after I suck you off?" he asked, his voice already hoarse.

I laughed out loud and lifted my head again to pull him down for a kiss by the nape of his neck. Noah realized that the longer he held me with his kiss, the less I would talk, so he didn’t let go easily, but I didn’t complain. I moaned when he licked my mouth without hesitation, searching for my tongue, then again when my lower lip sucked between his teeth. I felt him already fumbling with the zipper of my pants, then positioning himself, and the next moment, when I could look down between us, he had already released my cock. When he wanted something, he could be unbelievably fast and decisive. He knelt in front of the couch, between my spread knees, but for a moment he looked up at me, and I already regretted letting him do it on his way. His eyes were tired, sad, and he seemed far away, as if he were trying to barricade his soul from the whole world. From me too. 

"You smell divine," he said, his head buried where my thigh and groin meet. 

I couldn't speak, I just moaned, as if my tongue wasn't working. But he's worked for sure... I desperately grabbed his hair, but he only leaned more determinedly towards my groin, completely ignoring the pain as I pulled at his locks. 

"Noah..." I pleaded, but I couldn't get anything out of it because he could interpret it in so many different ways. My voice was no more than a low moan, and I couldn't finish my sentence. I let go of his hair and tried to find a handhold on the edge of the couch. His hot, wet mouth wrapped around me, making my whole body crawl, and I didn't even know exactly why I wanted to stop a few seconds before. I closed my eyes and tilted my head back. Why would I deprive myself of this when he was doing it so perfectly? Had I lost my mind? But a stupid thought kept running through my mind... did he use Karin like this when he felt like crap? And why was my heart clenching painfully when being in his mouth felt like I was in heaven? I looked down at him, at his tousled hair, where my fingers had just plowed through it. Tears were streaming down his face, saliva was streaming down his chin as he let it go deep down his throat. He did it well… He couldn’t have done it so well without experience. That was completely out of the question. One of his hands was on me, the other in his own pants. He didn’t even take off his sweatpants, he just reached under the material or freed his penis, although I couldn’t see it exactly. But the movement of his arm was unmistakable, he was determined, and he was trying to get me to climax as soon as possible. It had nothing to do with the groping, exploratory movements of the evening, which I really missed now. Or was it just the knowledge that this had nothing to do with exploration, at least on Noah’s part? I grabbed his hair again, and when he moaned muffled with my cock in his mouth, I tried to pull his head away, but I realized that this wouldn’t work again. I swallowed, trusting that my voice wouldn’t crack and would be firm enough.

"Noah, I'm going to..." I gasped, wincing and trying to pull away from him. "Shit...fuck..."

Noah finally got the signal and lifted his head, continuing with just his hands, but even so, a little of my cum got to his neck. For a moment, there was a complete blackout, and maybe only my fingers in his hair were holding me on the ground. When I felt gravity again, the couch under my ass, I caught the moment when, kneeling in front of me, he turned to the ceiling, closed his eyes, and moaned. His whole body tensed as the waves of orgasm washed over him. He was beautiful with his neck stretched back, but when he sank to his bottom and rested his head on my thigh, he suddenly looked very fragile. His eyes were still closed, he didn't look up at me, he just gasped for air and wiped his face with a quick movement. Guided by my instincts, I slid down to the ground next to him and landed in his lap. I held him tightly with my arms, and we stayed like that until our breathing returned to normal. 

"Are you okay?" I asked, murmuring into his hair, wiping the white stain from his neck with my hand. Noah looked up, then grabbed my wrist and, holding it with his dark gaze, took my finger into his mouth to lick it. I looked at him, amazed, and only five minutes after my orgasm, full of desire again, and I didn't even notice that he hadn't answered my question. He reached over and stroked my lips with his fingertips.

"Last night was on my mind. Your mouth on my cock..." he said in a husky, deep voice that sent shivers down my spine. "The whole day I was thinking..."

I felt myself blushing and wanted to hide my face in his big palm, making myself look like a kitten wanting to be petted. I started to giggle in embarrassment.

“That was probably the lamest oral sex you’ve ever had,” I replied. Noah smiled and shook his head. He pulled his shirt over his head and held it out for us to wipe ourselves off. “Don’t deny it. You’re a thousand times more experienced at this, aren’t you?” My voice, whether I wanted it or not, sounded a little accusatory, and I could see him slowly putting together what I was referring to. He didn’t protest and just stared at me with a completely incomprehensible look. “You don’t have to answer, it was a stupid question,” I replied, my head down, trying to shove my dick back into my pants so I wouldn’t feel so stupid. The post-orgasmic haze left me with uncertainty again. My hands were shaking when I finally zipped it up, because Noah was silent again, and it hurt more and more that he wasn’t talking about his feelings. He pulled his legs out from under me, then when he stood up, he extended his hand and helped me up too. He took his phone out of his pocket.

"Would you rather have Indian or pizza for dinner?" he asked, staring at the screen.

"I just..." I began, as despair slowly took over me. The tension that had been building up for months, about his and my own feelings and desires, the fear that if we crossed a line, our friendship would end, the uncertainty about how right it was to follow our hearts... "You're closing yourself off from me again," I whispered against his tattooed back.

Noah spun around and looked at me with furrowed brows.

“Really? Are you saying this because I haven't told you about all my relationships?”

I shook my head, then took a deep breath, because it almost physically hurt that he refused to understand what I was talking about, even though I was sure he did.

“No, not just because of that.” My voice sounded so resigned that I was surprised too. I didn't want to fight with him, I just wanted to talk. About our feelings. About our relationship. About what's going on inside him that he doesn't want to share with me, even though I feel like I should know about it. “You didn't tell me that Maya tried to seduce you behind my back. If I had known, she probably would never have been my girlfriend.” 

Noah's face contorted in pain. 

"If Jolly comes back, I'll kill him," he muttered with a blank look.

"Jolly didn't do anything wrong," I said, indignant because he was diverting attention from the point again. "You should have told me about this. I thought you were my best friend. Why didn't you tell me?"

"What do you think?" he asked calmly, then turned and headed for the stairs.

"Please answer my questions!" I pleaded, but he didn't seem to care about my desperation. I ran after him and grabbed his arm, causing his phone to fall to the hard floor with a loud clang. Suddenly, there was silence, and we looked down at the ruins in amazement, as the screen shattered into pieces.

“Shit…,” I crouched down and carefully picked up the device. “It was an accident, I’m so sorry.”

Noah, ignoring all the subtleties, snatched it from my hand and continued on his way upstairs, while I just stood leaning against the railing and watched him. All the while, it was going through my mind that maybe I was in heaven just ten minutes ago and now I've fallen into hell like a fucking falling rocket, probably at least as fast as Noah's phone. And I felt at least as crushed.

Noah emerged from his room shortly after, went to the kitchen to get a glass of water, and then locked himself in the studio. It was already nine o'clock at night, so I decided to go up and get some clean clothes and take a shower, then for lack of anything better to do, I would go to sleep. I would have been given Jolly's room, so I moved in there after brushing my teeth and threw myself on the bed, exhausted. 

The sheets smelled of fabric softener, and my heart ached at how much I already missed Noah’s scent. I had replayed our conversation a thousand times in my head in the hot shower, and I knew I was a complete idiot for attacking him like that. But if I had calmly asked him about things, like I always had, would he have listened to me? Would he have responded? Would he have taken me seriously? Anyway, I had no way to undo the past. I could only hope that Noah would calm down and see things more clearly. If we talked, maybe he would understand what I needed. If we could get to the point where we could talk calmly… 

It was past midnight when I heard more movement outside. Noah came up the stairs, probably heading for the bathroom. I could faintly hear him turn on the water and soak himself for a while. When the shower turned on, I waited, my mouth clenched, but nothing happened. He simply walked past my bedroom door and closed his, and I was slowly going crazy. I was so tempted to knock on his door and make things clear, because I couldn’t sleep like this. I waited for him to come and ask for my company, but I knew he could be so stubborn sometimes, so I just tossed and turned in bed, lost in thought, staring into the darkness before me, because it seemed like Noah was perfectly fine without me. I turned to face the wall and tried to fall asleep. 

I was able to doze off for a bit when I realized someone was lifting the covers and crawling into bed next to me. I couldn't remember where I was. My first thought was that I was sleeping in our old apartment. Noah had just gotten home from one of their shows and collapsed tiredly next to me, like he had done so many times before. I pulled him close without thinking, and only then did things start to come together. His hair didn't smell like cigarette smoke, the arms that wrapped around me were much more muscular than before, and when I opened my eyes in the darkness, a kiss landed on the corner of my mouth. A small tingling sensation like an electric shock zigzagged through my body, and I pulled one of my legs up to rest on his hip. 

"Are you awake?" he asked softly into the silence of the room.

"I can't really sleep without you," I replied in a sleepy, hoarse voice. "I feel like I had you yesterday, only to lose you today. It's like torture."

Noah's lips touched my cheek as he murmured into my skin:

“You didn't lose me. You will never lose me, Nick.”

I opened my eyes and watched the outline of his face, as if I could read it, although lately I haven't been able to do that even in the light. 

“How long has this been going on?” I asked, caressing his side. He wasn’t wearing a shirt, just an undershirt, and his skin was hot under my fingers.

Noah turned his head towards me too, and I was sure he was trying to figure it out.

He took a deep breath, then let it out slowly, trembling.

“Is this important? I don't know the exact date, but it had something to do with me moving away from you.”

I quickly rewound time in my mind. It had been at least eight years, and since then we had both had a few girlfriends or flings and I had no idea about any of this. When I think about how painful these ten months have been for me, since I felt something developing between us that went beyond friendship, but that I might never get what I really wanted, I can’t imagine what he must have been going through over the years. I buried my face in his neck and snuggled even closer to his side.

“I'm sorry.”

"For what?" he asked me.

“That I was blind and didn't notice what was happening.”

"I don't think it was the right time then. I mean..." he began uncertainly, nestling a little beneath me. "I had to wait and hope that one day you would feel the same way I did. Until then... I did everything I could to keep it a secret."

"Well, you did a damn good job," I laughed a little bitterly.

“No, not always. There were times when I almost pushed you away because of that. There were times when I was drunk or high with guys, because it was easier for me to believe that they were you.” Even though I had a bunch of questions, I listened with bated breath, not wanting to disturb him, because it's been a long time since he's been this honest and open with me. “And there were times when... when I couldn't take it anymore and I needed something.”

I lifted my head from his neck and tried again to force some kind of cat vision from my already imperfect eyes. It was too dark, and I was growing more and more curious.

“What kind of something?”

Noah groaned in frustration and covered his face with his hands.

“What do you think a teenage boy might need when he wakes up on a beautiful summer morning and finds the prince of his dreams lying next to him, half-naked?”

I rested my forehead on his shoulder and chuckled softly. I was a little embarrassed, and I'm sure he was too, but I still had to know...

“What did you do? Like at the lake? You went to the bathroom…?”

Noah shook his head violently.

“No, that's exactly the point. I... stayed next to you while you slept, holding your T-shirt close to me, which smelled like your skin. And you know what the worst thing is? I've never enjoyed it so much with anyone before, even though you were just lying there motionless next to me. But your scent and your closeness were enough…”

I blushed and had to swallow hard. I felt Noah's cock slowly come to life under my thigh, and my breathing became faster and faster.

"We need to talk now," I said, perhaps as a confirmation to myself, but my voice was shaking a little. "I still have many questions."

"And what's holding you back?" Noah asked teasingly, pushing my leg down a little, to a safer place. "Okay, now I'm all ears."

I rolled my eyes, which he couldn't see of course, then turned onto my back, knowing it would be hard to keep the distance otherwise. Even the nonexistent one. Then I thought, damn it, Noah belonged to me now, we'd been apart for too long, which now felt like wasted time, so the distance could go to hell.

[aurorafables]

Christmas '24

Merry Christmas everyone! :) This is my little fluffy present for you. So it is takes place chronologically after the main story, but can be read on its own. I hope wrapped in a little Christmas spirit, you will like it as much as I do :)

Pairing: Noah Sebastian X Nicholas Ruffilo

Warnings: 18+, Explicit, Angst, Past character death, Suicidal thoughts

Tags: M/M, M/F, Slow burn, Childhood friends, Friends to lovers, Family drama, Band fic, Masturbation, Accidental Voyeurism, P in v sex, Hand Jobs, Oral Sex

Word Count: 3.7k

Cross-posted: AO3

The city streets would have been covered in darkness by late afternoon if they hadn’t been packed to the brim with Christmas decorations. So all that happened was that the daylight was replaced by artificial, colorful LED lights. I closed my laptop tiredly, deciding that I had enough work for the day. I rubbed my eyes, and my gaze immediately searched for the meaning of my life. Nick stood on the balcony, his hips leaning against the railing, his jacket pulled together with his free arm, and as he smoked, the passersby caught his attention. It was cool that day, but that couldn’t stop people from being outside and visiting the Christmas market. When he heard the door open, he turned, stubbed out his cigarette on the railing, and blew the last of his smoke into the sky. We smiled at each other, and I walked over to him without a word. I could see he was cold, so I reached over and put my arm around him, my nose buried in his hair, which he had tied up in a bun on top of his head, and from which a few thick, dark brown strands had already escaped during the day. I inhaled deeply the scent of mint, smoke, and something sweet, maybe cinnamon rolls. Nick turned to me to snuggle under my open coat.

“Are you done with the emails?” he muttered into my sweatshirt. His hot breath and deep, husky voice gave me goosebumps. I didn’t answer, instead I leaned against his neck and sucked his tattooed skin between my teeth. Nick sighed, turning into a rag doll in my arms. I grunted in satisfaction and sucked his neck harder. The only thing that came to my mind was the thought that we had to show up for a family dinner in two days, and maybe it would be better if he didn’t look like he’d been attacked by a vampire. I reluctantly lifted my head from his neck and saw him smile before he even opened those beautiful green eyes.

"Are you afraid of Mom's disapproving looks?" he asked defiantly, as if reading my thoughts.

"More from Danni's outspoken comments," I replied.

"It's a good thing that mom and my sister are obsessed with you.”

"Yes, that seems like a family trait," I said proudly.

"Well, I'm screwed..." Nick said dramatically. My smile was devilish as I pressed my hand against the bulge in his pants. Nick's lips parted and I leaned towards them.

"But how screwed..." I muttered against his lips, giggling. After a long, passionate kiss, Nick pulled away first so he could look me in the eyes. He was a little shorter than me, so he had to tilt his head back. I raised my thumb to his soft, red lips and slowly stroked them.

"Do you know that a year ago at this time, we first revealed our feelings for each other?" he asked me. "Maybe not in words, but definitely in actions."

“How could I forget?” I asked back, resting our foreheads together. Nick closed his eyes, smiled softly, and I was lost in the memories. I remember that night as if it were yesterday. The hungry kisses that had eluded us for months, like two souls made for each other, just too blind to notice, the touch of his darker skin against my fair skin on every possible surface, the voices, the sighs that had completely merged. We had been best friends for a decade and a half, but it was only a year ago that everything clicked into place. The love and care had always been there, but the desire had crept in maddeningly slowly. Other than that, not much had changed. Nick remained my family, just as he had been when I moved in with him when I was fifteen. He hugged me and tried to comfort me just as he did in the past when the traumas I had experienced came up in my dreams, and the song we always listened to together after going to bed still worked wonders when I was suffering from insomnia.

“Hmm… you smell good,” I whispered to him. Nick chuckled and looked up at me from under his thick, dark lashes.

“Smoke? I don't think too many people like it... “

I furrowed my brows and maybe even pursed my lips.

"Christmas cookies. Vanilla, cinnamon… "I told him grumpily. "Home…”

As he lowered his eyes, I knew I had managed to embarrass him. That wasn't my intention, but I always admired how much he could appreciate a simple compliment. Home… something I didn't have as a child, but its absence gave me enough strength to create the security I had been missing from my life as an adult. Nick was the foundation of it all, and I liked to remind him of that every day. If he hadn't taken me in when I ran away from my mother, who knows where I would be now. I'm sure I'd be in a much worse place than this, because being in his arms was like heaven. 

"Did someone mention Christmas cookies? I'm hungry.”

"Me too," I looked at him with a suggestive look, raising my eyebrows a few times. Nick rolled his eyes playfully and pulled out of the hug.

"First the cookie, then whatever you want," he turned back to the balcony door.

At the promise, my feet moved of their own accord to follow him into the warm apartment. 

"All the venues are sold out, Noah! This is incredibly big, but it was to be expected," Matt, our manager, summed up the facts, and I put his call on speakers so Nick could hear everything. Then I said goodbye to him, because no matter how good the news was, it still interrupted our sexy gingerbread meal. The gingerbread wasn't the sexy part, it was the boy sitting across from me, who was almost lost in his thick Christmas sweater, stretching as comfortably as a cat. As a result of our kissing outside, even more strands of hair came out of the bun, and I was very tempted to wrap them all around my fingers.

"I'm proud of you," Nick said as he bit off the head of a gingerbread deer.

"And I'm proud of you. You put just as much effort into making the band a success," I told him. "And you stood by me the whole time. Even when I was completely out of my mind. Remember that day? When I wanted to quit because it was all too much?"

Nick chewed and swallowed the cookie slowly. He rested his chin in his palm and reached for my hand with his other hand. Our tattooed fingers intertwined, mine with the band’s name, his with the phases of the moon.

"Yeah, and I also remember how strong you were. I was with you all the way, but in the end you climbed out of the hole. And let's not forget that you wrote a damn good song.

It happened years ago when I fell as low as I had ever fallen before.

"I felt like I was a nobody and I didn't deserve to live. I suddenly believed every single hurtful word I'd ever heard from my mother. I thought I should have died in that damn car accident, not my father..." I listed the facts in a completely emotionless voice while picking at my nails, but my therapist couldn't see this during our video chat.

"And what did Nicholas say?" she asked. I tucked a long strand of hair behind my ear, but no matter how hard I tried to distract myself, it was probably all written on my face when she said my best friend's name. I could barely contain my smile, I bit my lip on the inside.

"That I should be proud of what I achieved with the band. And that I'm not perfect, but that doesn't matter, because no one is. Also that... it's a huge thing to be able to step out of my mother's shadow, but don't be scared if I have worse moments "I stammered. I was too unstable mentally to be able to hide my emotions. The aging woman smiled and wrote something in her notebook.

"Do you still think you don't deserve to be loved?" she asked, looking deep into my eyes through the screen.

I groaned and turned my head toward the ceiling. Exploring our own souls can sometimes be terribly exhausting. 

"I don't know…”

"I think you know," ahe smiled at me with the same calmness as I raged inside. "What about your friends? The fans? Nicholas?"

"The fans don't know me," I rolled my eyes. "They only see an idealized image of me."

She shrugged in agreement.

"Okay, Noah. That's a hard argument to make. But what about your friends? Nicholas doesn't really know you either? I wonder why he went there right away when he found out you needed help?"

I sat up on the bed and wanted to pace up and down the room, but I didn't want to look any crazier than I actually was.

"He knows me better than anyone. He probably knows who Noah is better than I do," I replied through gritted teeth.

"Can we let go of the assumption that he only sees an 'idealized image' of you?" she asked, drawing cat claws in the air.

"Yeah… "I muttered defeatedly, staring at the wall opposite. I remembered the night when I asked him to help me wash my hair because I was in such a bad state that I didn't even want to get out of bed. I needed his gentle touches, his care, more than I had ever needed before. "Nick has seen me in my worst moments. When my mother’s personality came out of me, or when I was completely broken…”

"And? He ran away screaming, maybe sprinkle holy water on you, clutching a crucifix in his hand while chanting in Latin?”

I started laughing and leaned back on the bed. I put my hand on my stomach and just laughed and laughed, for the first time in weeks. The lady, Melanie, didn't interrupt or ask me to answer her question. I think my laughter gave me the answer. "Okay, Noah. Then we'll talk next Wednesday, same time." 

We hung up, but I stayed in my room for a short while to process everything we had talked about. It took a while for things to sink in, but I felt like that day was the biggest step toward being myself again since my breakdown. Somewhere deep down, I was proud of myself, because as my mother’s mocking, dismissive words faded, Nick’s encouragement grew stronger in my mind. 

I went down to the studio to the boys, smiling. Jolly and Nick were both sitting on the couch, strumming new, unfinished tunes on their guitars. As the sunlight streaming in through the window glinted on Nick's dark hair, I paused for a moment. My gaze fell to his fingers, which were plucking the strings with practiced movements, and all I could think about was that I would give anything to feel them on me. Along with the calluses. Along with Nick's scent, the heat of his body, his eerily hoarse, deep voice. The thought, or instinct, that I wanted to feel it, hit me suddenly and overwhelmingly, like an express train. I needed it to know that I had made it, that I had survived this miserable time.

Nick looked up from his guitar, his green eyes almost glowing in the light. I smiled and swallowed hard. Nick studied my face for a moment, trying to gauge my mood, but then he smiled too. That’s when I realized I had to face the truth, whether I liked it or not. There was this desire that I had been trying to suppress for years, and when I moved away from my best friend, who had been my refuge since almost my childhood, I thought I had succeeded. But the moment I emerged from the grip of depression and anxiety, it flared up again. I’m screwed… but how screwed up… I sat down on the floor with them, took out my notebook where I wrote my lyrics, and started singing along to the tune they were playing.

"I was lost, but now I'm found

Under the lights and in the sounds

So let us sing and sing it loud

That we're not perfect, but we're proud of who we are"

Then one day I found myself no longer having to fight my urges. Nick was sitting across from me, texting his sister on his phone, glancing up at me. He put his feet on my lap and hummed contentedly as I massaged the soles of his feet. He reached for another gingerbread cookie and frowned when he realized it was the last one in the bowl. 

“Would you like the last one?” he offered me the star. I shook my head and watched him raise the treat to his lips. As he looked down, his glasses slid forward a little on his nose, and his black eyelashes fluttered against his face with each blink, like angel wings. When he swallowed the last bite, he stuck out his tongue and licked his mouth. At that moment, all my patience ran out. My hand slid under the leg of his loose sweatpants and I gripped his muscular calf. Nick slowly parted his thighs, but he still had the phone in his hand, and he only looked at me over the frames of his glasses from time to time. I caressed the back of his knees with the tips of my fingers, because I knew exactly how sensitive his skin was there, and I watched his reactions. He slid down a little on the chair and pressed his free hand to his groin, as if trying to sort things out, but when he didn't take his hand away, I knew what it was. I giggled out of breath and pulled his foot to my increasingly throbbing cock. I needed some relief too, not just him. His hand gripped his groin with increasing purpose, and after a while he reached for the hem of his pants.

“Are you still talking to Danni?” I asked him, my voice deep with desire. His hand stopped and he finally gave me his full attention.

He snorted, then put the phone down on the table.

"Why would I talk to my sister during foreplay?

I shrugged, then grabbed his leg, which was in my lap, and slowly lowered it to the ground as I knelt on the floor.

"You can talk to the Pope, it won't stop me from doing what I want to do with you," I told him, blinking innocently, which was completely the opposite of what I was planning to do.

Noah…

I just couldn’t get enough of him saying my name as he came. His voice still rang in my ears when I got back from the bathroom and lay down on the bed next to him with a satisfied sigh. I never thought that months later we would fall for each other with the same fervor every time we did when we finally found our way to each other, and everything was still fresh and new. Nick was lying on his stomach, just as I had left him, his head turned toward me, his hair half-hiding his face, and eyes closed. I looked down at his body, at least the part I could see. There were red teeth marks on his bottom, and the marks of my fingers on his hips. I reached over and brushed a few strands back so I could see him better. His temples were glistening with sweat, his eyelashes stuck together with tears. 

"Is everything okay?" I stroked between his shoulder blades, a little uncertain. Nick slowly licked his lips and squinted his eyes open. His light irises were now shining even more brightly.

"You know you'll get this back, right?" he asked with a tired, half-hearted smile.

 I grinned at the promise, and my body was already reacting to the images my imagination had created.

"I can't wait," I replied.

The doubts vanished immediately. It was always a pain not to be able to see his face—but I could think much more clearly without being captivated by his eyes. And Nick loved it when he was on his stomach, my body like a warm blanket against his, so it was worth taking a little risk. I had to trust myself to know how he would react, and to trust him to tell me if something wasn’t right. 

Nick lifted his hips and pulled the towel we used from under him because I was a clean freak and didn’t want to wash our sheets every day, then he wiped himself between his thighs a little because I was obsessed with using too much lube. When he was done, he snuggled up against my side. His legs were on mine, his arms wrapped around my torso. His fingers traveled down my chest, following the outline of a few tattoos, and finally settled on one of my nipples. I bit my lip and we watched together as the little pink bump hardened under his fingertips.

"I have an idea," I said quietly.

"Oh?”

"We should buy a tree tomorrow.”

Nick looked up at me, but he still didn't stop stroking me.

"A tree?" he asked, frowning.

"A Christmas tree," I clarified, and that startled him. He leaned over me on his arms, trying to read from my face what the hell had gotten into me. As if the whole idea was nonsense.

"But why?”

"Because it's Christmas now?" I asked back.

"Noah..." he started, but I pressed my index finger to his mouth to silence him a little, because I knew exactly what he wanted to say.

"I would like to. Not just because of you, but also because I'm sure that with you it would be completely different.”

Nick searched my eyes, as if looking for a sign that I was joking. I couldn’t blame him. When we lived together, I never did my part in the holiday preparations, I avoided the malls when they started playing Christmas carols, and when Nick invited me to the family holiday dinner, I said no, even though I was in a good relationship with the entire Ruffilo family. This year was the first time I’d agreed to go with him.

"It's a big deal that you're coming with me to my mother's," he told me seriously, as if he could read my thoughts. Maybe he did.

"What if I want to make love to you under the Christmas tree decorated with colorful light bulbs?" I raised my eyebrows defiantly. I loved his reaction, the way his eyes widened and his soft lips pressed against mine, as if he wanted to devour me.

"Before we hang it on the tree, I'm going to tie your wrists to the LED light string and torture you until you forget your name," he said, biting my chin.

"All this because I prevented you from coming twice? You were so close..." I whined innocently.

"And because I know you'll love it," he grinned at me irresistibly.

I didn't doubt it for a moment. I let out a shaky breath and reached up to run my fingers through his hair.

"Oh, I feel like I'm in trouble."

"That's right, doe.”

I grinned at the nickname. I think we managed to discuss that. 

I stepped next to Nick and helped him get the star onto the tree. Then we took a few steps back and looked at our work, arm in arm, which we quickly finished. The tree was big, and we didn't buy enough decorations because the stores had already been completely ransacked by shoppers who thought ahead of us. But there was one thing I was really proud of. The shiny black, silver skull-patterned baubles were my favorite, and I looked at them with satisfaction and decided that we had the coolest Christmas tree in the world. 

Nick went into the kitchen and returned a few minutes later to hand me a hot chocolate spiked with alcohol. Then we both sat on the couch, the tree lights illuminating the small living room. 

"How are you?" Nick asked me, taking a sip of the hot drink.

I could have easily joked off the question, but I knew immediately what he meant and wanted to answer him.

"It wasn't as hard as I thought," I replied, smiling shyly. "I felt good the whole time because you were with me."

"I'm glad about that," he said sincerely. He put his feet up on the couch, pulled the blanket over him, and placed his mug on his knees. His hair was tied in a messy bun, his glasses were pushed up on his head, and oh my god... as I looked at him, I fell in love all over again. He radiated peace, comfort, security, love... everything I longed for. His voice broke me from the admiring stare. "Have you often thought about the past?”

I frowned and leaned back against the back of the couch.

“No, not at all.” Then I turned my head to the side and grinned. “But the recent past kept coming back to me as we put the lights on the tree.”

Nick's gaze involuntarily wandered to my wrist. 

"It would have been bad if it wasn't like that," he remarked, raising one eyebrow. Then, as if he had done his job well, he continued drinking his hot chocolate.

"Would it have been wrong if I hadn't decorated the tree with an erection?" I burst out laughing.

Nick grinned into his mug.

"I didn't think the magic of Christmas would have such a… big effect on you," he replied, looking up at me suggestively. I set our mugs down on the coffee table and crept closer to him. I knelt to the sides of his hips and leaned down to his lips.

"I didn't think so either. But then you know what I realized?" When he shook his head a little, I whispered the answer into his chocolate and rum-flavored lips: "That you are the magic of Christmas.”

[aurorafables]

From the Grey, Chapter 14.

Hey! I hope you will like this chapter :) I didn’t have to hide my desires from him anymore, I didn’t have to turn away in shame if he caught me staring at him… I felt so insatiable as a teenager, so last night was a bit like being reborn, wrapped in Noah’s long fingers, pink lips, and intoxicating scent.

Pairing: Noah Sebastian X Nicholas Ruffilo

Warnings: 18+, Explicit, Angst, Past character death, Suicidal thoughts

Tags: M/M, M/F, Slow burn, Childhood friends, Friends to lovers, Family drama, Band fic, Masturbation, Accidental Voyeurism, P in v sex, Hand Jobs, Oral Sex

Word Count: 4k

Cross-posted: AO3

14.

Noah lay next to me, both of our faces turned toward the ceiling, and the room was silent. Strangely, the sound of the sheets rustling had completely stopped, and our rapid breathing didn’t break the silence. I turned my head to the side, and he looked at me for a moment. Then he sat up in bed. He leaned forward, his head between his shoulders. I reached out and, barely touching it, my index finger slowly began to stroke the line of his spine. The little hairs stood up on his arm, and I felt him take a deep breath.

I frowned and sat up on the bed behind him.

"Is something wrong?”

"It's too much... lying here next to you on the bed with no clothes on.”

"Why?" I asked, but it was more of a rhetorical question. Noah looked back over his shoulder and laughed to himself in embarrassment. We knew what was going on, he didn't even have to say anything. I crawled behind him on my knees and wrapped one arm around his chest.

"I'm sorry, I needed a few minutes to process everything that happened," I whispered in his ear. "Please stay."

Noah nodded and leaned his head back against my shoulder as I stroked his stomach with my free hand. He closed his eyes and relaxed into the touch. I felt his shoulders slump, trying to get even closer to me.

"You don't have to... ask twice," he muttered, sighing, his voice trembling as my fingers wandered to the crotch of his bottom.

“Okay?” I asked. I leaned down to his shoulder, tracing the pulse along his neck with the tip of my nose, then knelt up to see what I was doing.

"What's mine is yours," Noah replied with a breathless, stifled chuckle. I buried my face in his hair, laughing too. I was crazy about him and wanted to bathe in his scent. If possible, from now on, night and day, always and everywhere.

Curiously, I held him in my palm through his underwear, just to feel his weight, how hot and wet he was. My mouth watered, my penis, pressed against his back, twitched, and for a moment I had to close my eyes too. Then I let go of him and pulled back a little.

"Come on, lie back down, please. I'd like to finally unwrap my present too.”

"You're impatient... There are still three days until Christmas." Noah said, but he immediately did what I asked.

He lay back on the mattress, his long legs stretched out, one arm tucked under his head, his eyes half-closed, waiting. I sat on his thighs, my gaze traveling over all the tattoos in sight. I had barely any on my chest and stomach, but enough to know they could hurt like hell when they were being done. I ran my finger over the ink-soaked skin above his ribs, then up to where his old, tiny scars were, perfectly hidden. But I knew where to look for them anyway. Noah followed my hands with his eyes, and he was completely silent until my fingers slid to one of his nipples. The little pink tips stood out against the black and gray patterns on his chest, catching my attention. I heard Noah take a deep breath, and the tattoos on his skin came to life as his muscles moved. I leaned down and after a soft kiss, sucked one of the tips between my lips, then ran my tongue over the already hard nipple. Noah's fingers slid into my hair, and then he let out a trembling breath. I moved to the other side, but I didn't stay there too long, because he started pushing my head lower and lower. As I kissed his stomach, my hand moved down the small strip of hair from his navel, and with our combined strength we freed his cock from the last piece of clothing, so I naturally continued to spread kisses along its length. I leaned towards his wet, glistening glans and licked it, just to taste him. Noah lifted his hips off the bed and gripped my hair tightly as I tried to analyze his taste. It was salty, sweet, and totally Noah, in the best way possible, but I knew I had to get used to it. I was momentarily caught off guard by how light toned his skin was compared to mine, especially where the sun didn’t reach it, and then I leaned back and licked him from his balls up with my tongue. The sound he made was like something out of a porn movie, and I was starting to get intoxicated by the thought of how much of an impact I was having on him with something so small.

"I have no idea what I'm doing," I said, giggling over his belly as Noah's grip on my hair eased.

"Just...just don't stop," he pleaded in a choked voice. It wasn't very helpful, but I guessed that maybe I should continue with what I like in a similar situation. I quickly figured out how to involve my hand in the game. I grabbed the base of his cock and slid it into my mouth as far as I could, then moved up, sucking harder on the head. I repeated this sequence of movements, sometimes licking the tip of my tongue along his silky skin, following the lines of the protruding veins. After a while, I got used to the taste of him, and I grunted in satisfaction when I felt another dose of precum in my mouth. From his soft moans, his gasps, and the tension in his muscles, I deduced how close he was already.

"Nick, look at me, please!" His voice broke the silence, sounding completely different than usual. I immediately looked up and was momentarily stunned. I had never seen his eyes so dark before, and his face was shaped by desire, giving him a beautiful yet wild look. I moaned with his cock in my mouth.

"Fuck, fuck..." he repeated, like a litany, and grabbed my hair again tightly. He struggled to keep his eyes open, almost devouring me with his gaze as I continued to suck him demandingly, watching him. He pulled my head back firmly, just before his voice trailed off, closing his eyes and his neck tensing back on the pillow. It was amazing to see him fall to pieces under my hands and lips. Some of his seed landed on my hand, some on his stomach, painting the black ink on his skin and mine white. 

“Shh, shh,” I whispered to him, pushing myself up so our heads were the same level, because he was a little louder than he should have been, and I was afraid the others would hear us. Noah nodded that he understood what I wanted, but he was still too far away to open his eyes. I clung to his neck, making sure his tattoos kept the little bites in secret, and I smiled when he flinched one last time.

"Fuck, Nick..." he moaned with awe in his voice.

"Hm, I agree," I replied, grinning, and started to shower his face with kisses.

I found the T-shirt thrown by the bed and dried ourselves off, turned off the small lamp, then lay back down next to him, snuggling up to him, my own raised legs draped over his thighs. When Noah came back from his high, we kissed for at least another half hour, at first intensely, then more and more lazily and sleepily, before we managed to fall asleep, completely wrapped up in each other.

I woke up with my heart pounding, afraid that I had only dreamed the whole night. It would have been the most vivid dream I had ever had, and for that very reason, I am not sure I would have survived with my mind intact if Noah had not been by my side. The first thing I noticed was that his hair was tickling my nose, and all my senses were overwhelmed by his closeness. He was lying on his side, back to me, but our hips were almost fused together, fitting like two puzzle pieces. I moved barely perceptibly, and the position ended with my already semi-hard cock rubbing against his ass. I sucked in air between my teeth, put my hand on his hip, and wanted to grip him, to hold him close to me, but I didn’t want to wake him. The next moment Noah sighed softly, pushing his bottom back, but he was still sleeping soundly. I felt like this wasn’t going to end well, so I rolled onto my back and stared at the ceiling, trying to calm my hormones. I bit my lip and smiled. 

It was incredible to know that I could have done it. I didn’t have to hide my desires from him anymore, I didn’t have to turn away in shame if he caught me staring at him… I felt so insatiable as a teenager, so last night was a bit like being reborn, wrapped in Noah’s long fingers, pink lips, and intoxicating scent. I decided I desperately needed a cigarette, so I quietly got up, grabbed a cozy sweatpants, and went downstairs with the cigarette in my pocket. I was proud of myself for managing to do all of this without waking Noah, and my good mood held up even when I went out onto the patio and realized it was a little chilly outside in sweatpants, a T-shirt, and no socks. 

Jesse soon joined me, two mugs of coffee in hand. I was surprised that he was already up, since it was only after seven in the morning, but I was very happy with the hot coffee and thanked him profusely. 

"The good thing about California is that you don't have to freeze in the winter if you go out for a smoke," he said, and he lit up too. I laughed softly and nodded in agreement as I sipped my coffee. "So you're spending Christmas here?"

I glanced at Jesse. I know he and Noah were good friends, but I didn't want to let anyone down. I couldn't read anything negative on his face, I just saw curiosity.

"Maya and I broke up, and the family will have a hard time fitting in at the holiday table anyway," I replied jokingly. "And as you mentioned, it's warmer here."

Jesse laughed, pushing back his wavy curls. 

"You and Noah seem to have drifted apart over the last few years," he said, leaning against the wall of the house. Even that comment couldn't dampen my spirits - which was actually completely true.

"We were just… living our lives," I replied. "Then I realized that he was more important than anything."

It might sound a little strange, but it was the truth. Jesse nodded and stubbed out his cigarette, then picked up his mug from the windowsill. 

"How do you feel, is Noah handling the sudden growth of the band well?”

I thought about this question and vowed to myself that I would talk to Noah about it. I was confident that if we were alone in the house, we would have time for that too, not just to take advantage of it, no one was within earshot. I had to bite my lip to keep from grinning like an excited little girl when I thought about it.

"If it's too much for him, he'll find a way to give introverted Noah space and hide somewhere he can be by himself.”

"And what do you think about the pressure? His maximalism sometimes… takes too much out of him, doesn't it? Of course, it's understandable…”

"Why are you asking?" I turned to him, because his questions seemed more and more strange. As if he wasn't just simply interested, but outright worried about Noah.

Jesse took a deep breath and let it out with a sigh. He could tell it was bothering him, but I stared at him intently, waiting for an answer because I needed to know what was going on.

“It’s just weird that he’s messing with guys,” he finally said. I was sweating profusely and silently thanking my ancestors for my darker skintone again, because I was sure all the blood had suddenly rushed to my head. A thousand questions raced through my mind at record speed. Were we too loud? Will Jesse tell everyone? What does he know about our relationship?

"So you didn't know either," Jesse continued worriedly, while I was still looking at him with huge eyes. What didn't I know?

“What… I mean, what do you mean?” I blurted out in a shaky voice, and to keep myself busy, I took another thread out of the box.

"Before Karin, there was that guy with dreadlocks. And last week, there was that librarian-looking boy, who had a really sweet smile and seemed like a good guy, don't get me wrong. I also want to make it clear that I have no problem with gay people, and I don't mind Noah being gay... or bisexual. It just occurred to me that he was doing it to suppress other, negative feelings inside himself, "Jesse explained worriedly.

I turned away from him, stared back at the garden, and took a deep drag on my second cigarette. I looked up at the sky. It would have been too nice if my morning hadn't started with descriptions of the guys Noah had been hooking up with recently, right? 

"Why don't you ask him?" I said to Jesse, not even looking at him.

"I don't know if it's a good idea. I don't want to upset him," he admitted after some thought. "I thought it would be better if I talked to you about it first, to see if you knew something or if you were just more knowledgeable about talking to him about such topics..."

I rolled my eyes. 

“I’m not a psychologist, and he hasn't shared much with me about your love life lately, so I can’t help you,” I replied, grumpily and completely dismissively. Jesse took the call because he didn’t ask any more questions, just continued to sip his coffee in silence. Of course I felt guilty, and when I turned to look at him apologetically, I saw Noah coming down the stairs and heading towards the terrace to join us. For a long moment, I forgot about the past ten minutes and could only think of his messy hair, his endlessly long legs, and his sleepy eyes as he came out to us in his underwear and a T-shirt. His arms immediately became goosebumped as he stepped next to me and slowly smiled at me. I remembered what it was like when his lips parted that night, I recalled the smell of him between his thighs, and by the time I could tear my gaze away from him, I realized I was completely screwed.

"Can I have some of your coffee?" he asked quietly, and I handed him the mug without a word. "Jesse, can we take you to the airport?"

Jesse… it finally dawned on me that we're not alone, and I have to pretend that last night only exists in my head. 

"Mike is picking me up early this afternoon, so it's all sorted, but thank you. I'll be heading to Leyla's soon, I'll have lunch with her today, and I'm already getting ready to take my suitcase there.”

That meant it was only a few hours before Noah and I would be alone. He probably thought so too, judging by the sideways glance I noticed over the coffee mug he still had in hand.  

“And what are you guys going to do here?” Jesse asked the thousand-dollar question. I had to be careful not to even look at Noah, because my eyes probably would have given everything away.

"We started a song yesterday, and I'd like to continue today if Nick is up for it.”

I just nodded silently, reaching for the mug to keep myself busy. Luckily, Jesse soon went inside to pack his things, so we didn’t have to pretend for long. I turned to Noah as soon as we were alone on the patio.

"You're going to be cold," I glanced at his arms wrapped around himself. I was so tempted to pull him closer, run my palms over his skin, and try to warm him up.

"Why did you leave me alone?" he asked, completely ignoring my concern. He wasn't being judgmental, he just wanted to know the answer to his question.

"Because I wanted to smoke a cigarette," I said.

"Try again," he tilted his head to the side like a puppy.

I knew that cheeky look. I laughed to myself and shook my head. I have no idea if it's possible to love someone more than that.

"You were awake, right?”

"Your erection has been pressing against my ass all morning," he said in a low voice, barely louder than a whisper. "How could I have slept?"

I swallowed hard, my gaze drifting from his sparkling eyes to his lips. 

"If I know you're awake, maybe I'll take you up on your offer from last night. You know, the one with that damn sexy mouth of yours." 

Jesus, it was both very strange and exciting to talk to him like this. Noah wet his lips barely perceptibly, and as I looked at him, it dawned on me why everything that was still completely new to me was so natural to him. At night, I naively thought that it was the first time he had discovered another man's body. How stupid I was! I should have noticed that there was not much hesitation in his movements, and that he knew exactly what I needed at every moment. I thought he just knew me too well, but it was obviously more than that. 

I cleared my throat to clear the lump of frustration and desire.

"Let's go inside, it's cold.”

The smile disappeared from Noah's face, and I saw the fear of rejection in his eyes. I closed my eyes for a moment and exhaled slowly. It's going to be okay, we'll figure it out together, I reassured myself before looking at him again, this time much less coldly.

"I know Christmas isn't your favorite holiday, but I'm sure you wouldn't turn down a little gingerbread.”

Slowly but surely, that little smile I love so much reappeared on Noah's face.

"When it comes to sweets, I'm persuasive," he agreed generously.

“I’m going shopping. Can I take your car?” I asked him, and he nodded. Sure, I could have offered to go with me, but I thought it would be good to have an hour or two alone to gather my thoughts and let go of any jealousy.

Noah and I went back to the house, and after a simple breakfast of cereal together, I headed to the store. The plan was that by the time I got back, Jesse wouldn't be there anymore and we would finally have a chance to talk. 

I was looking at the gingerbread recipe on my phone as I walked through the aisles. All I needed was the honey, and when I found it, I headed for the checkout counters, satisfied. I won’t say I had everything sorted out, but I was calm and ready to talk. As if Danielle could read my mind from so far away, she sent me a message at that moment.

So?? Did you clear things up?

I frowned. I suspected she wasn't referring to the kind of clarification Noah and I had been doing last night.

I'm on it - I wrote back quickly, pausing between the lines. 

If you need me, you can call me anytime <3 

I replied with a heart emoji, and as I walked on, I noticed condoms on one of the shelves out of the corner of my eye. I stopped dead in my tracks at the end of the line, clutching the basket. What the hell was wrong with me? It hadn’t even been half a day since I’d been paralyzed by Noah’s erection pressing against mine, and now I was thinking about buying condoms? I stared blankly for a moment, my heart rate already racing, then I turned around and threw the first cute little box into the basket. I bit my lip and read the flavors of the lube, telling myself that buying it meant nothing, that it didn’t obligate me to anything, but it was still a grown-up decision. It was only two days until Christmas, and after that, the only place we could get these things was at the 24/7 gas stations. I might have patted myself on the back for my foresight if there hadn’t been so many people in the store. As I walked to the self-service checkouts, with all the gingerbread-making and gay-sex supplies, I was already thinking about how Noah might be happy to get me for Christmas. He didn’t like the holidays, and I knew he didn’t want us to buy each other presents, but this was different… This was so different. I scanned the barcodes, then my credit card, and packed everything in a bag and headed out to the car. I didn’t head back right away, but I smoked a cigarette in the parking lot first, trying to shake off the excitement of the two small things lurking there next to the spice mix, eggs, and flour.

By the time I got home from the store, Matt had called me four times during the twenty-minute drive, but I didn’t answer. It wasn’t until I opened the front door and heard his voice coming from the living room that I began to feel that something was serious. Matt was pacing the carpet, and Noah was sitting on the couch, his elbows on his knees, his face buried in his hands.

“Why the hell can’t you answer the phone?” Matt snapped when he saw me in the hallway. I was so surprised by the welcome I just blinked, pinned to the floor. Noah finally took his hand away from his face and pressed his palm to his thigh. I saw him grab the fabric of his sweatpants, and I was increasingly afraid to continue. I turned back to Matt:

"I drove…”

"Yeah, and in your little world, they haven't invented the speakerphone and bluetooth yet?" our manager asked sarcastically.

"Matt, get the fuck out of here or I'll throw you out of the house!" Noah said in a menacing deep voice. "This whole thing has nothing to do with Nick, so don't take your anger out on him."

I walked closer to them, stopped next to Noah, and gently placed my hand on his shoulder, hoping that would calm him down a bit.

"What happened?" I asked from the angry Noah to the worried Matt. 

"Noah's girl created a story that deserves an award," Matt replied in a tired voice and slumped into the armchair.

"What kind of girl?

"Not my girlfriend," Noah said, staring at the pattern of the carpet.

"The one he invited to his hotel room, during the tour" Matt helped out. "I can't reach Folio, Jolly is on the plane to Sweden, so the three of us are left to sort this shit out.

I was starting to feel a bit like I was in a tragicomedy. After the previous day had been one of the best days of my life, I couldn't believe that everything could go so wrong so quickly, and it wasn't even noon yet. 

I sat down next to Noah on the couch, close enough that our knees and sometimes our shoulders touched because I was afraid for him. I just felt a protective instinct rising inside me, completely illogically ignoring the fact that we were both grown men now, and I wanted him to feel that I was with him. And anyway… the two of us could handle anything.

[aurorafables]

From the Grey, Chapter 13.

Hi everyone! So here is a little spicy chapter to start the week well ;) Enjoy!

“Nick, look at me for a bit, please,” he begged softly, and his voice sent shivers through me. I slowly opened my eyes and blinked at him. He was so close…he leaned over me, his breath fluttering my eyelashes and his lips parted slightly. Those beautiful lips…

Pairing: Noah Sebastian X Nicholas Ruffilo

Warnings: 18+, Explicit, Angst, Past character death, Suicidal thoughts

Tags: M/M, M/F, Slow burn, Childhood friends, Friends to lovers, Family drama, Band fic, Masturbation, Accidental Voyeurism, P in v sex, Hand Jobs

Word Count: 4.7k

Cross-posted: AO3

13.

At the airport I was greeted by a huge crowd a few days before Christmas. I got into a taxi, but when we put my things in the trunk, I was a little unsure. A large and a small suitcase and a backpack. I've been preparing for weeks, but what if something goes wrong and the atmosphere between us becomes unpleasant? I wonder what Noah will say when he sees me with the packages? He moved in with me twelve years ago with roughly half of this amount of stuff. I tried to push these thoughts into the background and deal with something else instead. When I took my place in the back of the car, I took out my phone and wrote Jolly a message:

I'm already at the airport in LA. You didn't tell him anything, did you?

I didn't. We discussed that this would be a surprise ;) - he answered almost immediately. Call me when you're here and I'll let you in.

I was excited as we crossed half the city. I don't know if it was a good idea to come here unannounced, but it would have been unnecessary to think about it. I got out in front of the two-story, white house, and after the air-conditioned taxi, I was almost slapped in the face by the warm December weather of Los Angeles. I quickly put my hair in a messy bun and unzipped my jacket. The driver unloaded my bags on the sidewalk and after I tipped him, he wished me a nice day and drove off. I rang Jolly's number, and after two minutes he ran down the stone steps to let me in. He was better prepared for the heat, wearing only a T-shirt with thinner sweatpants.

"Hello, Nick," he grinned and pulled me into a quick hug as soon as I entered the gate. “Long time no see.”

“You almost missed me, didn't you?” I asked, laughing.

"Almost, yes," he replied with a little mischief in his brown eyes. “But the one who missed you even more is inside.”

Jolly grabbed the largest suitcase from my hands and carried it up the stairs while I struggled with the backpack and the smaller bag. We packed everything into the living room, then Jolly nodded towards the door of a further room.

“Noah is in the studio. Jesse went shopping with his girlfriend, Orie is probably sleeping. He worked all night,” he outlined, and that explained why I hadn't met the others.

“Thank you for your help,” I told him gratefully.

"It's okay, you know I love you," he grinned, then turned his back and started towards the stairs leading to the bedrooms. “I'm going to go for a run, but I'll be back for dinner. Until then, settle here, with us.”

I nodded, then waited until he disappeared down the stairs. After that I took a deep breath and headed for the studio door. I don't even know what I was afraid of. Maybe from having a guest like in a hotel? Or because maybe he won't be happy for me? Jolly would have told about the first one, and about the second... Noah has been trying to talk with me in the past few weeks, and I've always been a bit dismissive of him. Not too much, but he must have sensed that I couldn't deal with his attempts to approach me. We slipped back to the level of when he was still together with Karin, and we drifted apart. I hoped that I could still make things right, because I absolutely did not want to push him away from me. I knocked on the door and when nothing happened I opened it cautiously. Harper, Orie's dog, was laying on the couch, but when she saw me, she excitedly raised her head and climbed down to come to me with her tail wagging. I took her smart head in both hands and caressed her thoroughly. Then I heard Noah's voice. He was sitting at the computer humming a tune softly with headphones on. He was lost in his little world, he didn't even notice I was there. His hair was already long enough to be tied in a small bun on the top of his head, and the late afternoon sunlight shining through the window dyed his locks reddish. Wearing comfortable clothes, he pulled one long leg up on the chair, leaned forward and rested his chin on his knee as he continued to hum so high that his voice trailed off a bit. I laughed to myself and heard him chuckle to himself. I no longer understood what I was afraid of. He was exactly the Noah I knew like the back of my hand. I stepped behind him and hugged him carefully, as much as I could because of the back of the chair. Noah froze for a moment, then took off his headphones and turned his head to the side. In the light I could see his freckles, the tiny birthmark under his eye as he slowly smiled, and I felt my heart fill with love. 

“Hello,” I told him softly and didn't let him go. I inhaled his scent deeply and brushed one hand over his tattooed arm.

"Hello," he said, and buried his head in my chest. “Is this a dream now? Did I work too long in the studio and fall asleep? Could it be that I actually fell on the keyboard and completely passed out?” he mumbled the questions into my T-shirt. I laughed and he laughed with me. I was wrong when I thought that we had drifted apart again, because it was so easy to find him again, as if the last few months had only been a few days. I think it was just a small step that I had to take, since I asked for time, and now that we're over it, everything will be a lot easier. At least that's what I hoped. I didn't make plans in advance about when I would sit down to talk with him. I didn't even know exactly how to bring up the topic. But none of that mattered, because as we hugged each other, I was sure we were going to make it. I wanted nothing more than to be near him.

“How do you get here?” he asked as I let go of him and stepped back a bit.

“Danni got bored of my company.”  I answered jokingly.

“Did she say that?” 

“No. But she hinted that she was going to a party and wanted to bring someone home,” I said.

“So… you boycotted her dates?” Noah raised his eyebrows, then got up from the chair and stretched out. I forgot my look on his stomach for a moment when his shirt was riled up, so I turned to Harper instead and knelt down on the floor next to her so I could give her a big hug too.

“I would never do that,” I mumbled, turning to the dog, while scratching the base of her ear. “Maybe I'm a little judgmental of the men who get close to my sister, but that's it. I trust she can decide what is good for her.”

“So, you're here because you have nowhere to go?” Noah asked further.

I rolled my eyes, then looked up at him.

“You know I have a place to go, as well as why I am actually here.”

Noah looked at me thoughtfully, and if I was being honest with myself, I understood. I wouldn't have been able to articulate it exactly either. But I was sure of one thing. I'm not going to walk on eggshells or deny that I missed him. 

“I want to spend some time with you before the tour starts.”

Noah smiled, seeming to like that answer much more. 

“That's good news. I'm writing a song and I need your help. Will you pick up one of the guitars?” he gestured towards the corner, where three guitars were lined up. Noah sat back in the chair, but I could see that he was watching me petting the dog with a faint smile from the corner of his eye.

I sighed dramatically and looked into Harper's big brown eyes.

“Can you imagine that, Harper? I only arrived five minutes ago and I already have to work.”

We spent nearly two hours in the studio, and even though I was tired, it didn't seem like more than half an hour. Jolly came to tell us about eight in the evening, dinner arrived, and only then did I realize that I was very hungry. Noah saved the projects, while I followed Jolly and my nose to the kitchen, where the hamburgers were already waiting. I was just stuffing a couple of fries into my mouth when Orie and Jesse walked down the stairs.

“So where has Noah been hiding you so far?” Orie asked, after a quick hug. “Jolly said you've been here since the afternoon.”

“He hid me in the same place as your dog. We were in the studio,” I answered, greeting Jesse as well.

“It's good to see you again,” Jesse patted my shoulder and sat down at the counter with a burger on his plate.

Noah led Harper out of the studio and the dog immediately ran into the kitchen when she heard her master's voice. Noah joined us and leaned against the counter next to me as he packed his plate. 

“How long are you staying, Nick?" Orie asked from the bar stool, and in the meantime I saw him handing a small piece of meat to Harper, who was waiting next to him with her tail wagging. “Will you still be here when we get back?”

He and Jolly wanted to leave the next day, and wouldn't be back until after Christmas.

“Um... I don't know. We didn't actually discuss how long I'd be staying,” I said sideways, towards Noah, with a large glass of Coke in my hand.

“Do you want to go home to your parents for Christmas?” he asked me. And here we come to the tricky part... Noah has spent many holidays alone in recent years. Too many times. I was usually with my girlfriend or family, Jolly also went home to Sweden to his parents, and Orie and Jesse usually spent Christmas with their loved ones. Noah always assured us that it was perfectly fine with him, the holiday just didn't mean anything to him, but somehow every single time a piece of my heart stayed with him, unable to accept that I would leave him alone on the holiday of love.

"I'd like to stay, if that's not a problem," I admitted, turning to Noah. Now that Maya is gone and I've been able to spend a lot of time at home with the family, I didn't see anything stopping me from staying with my best friend for at least a week.

Noah flashed his smile at me again, and that alone made it worth it for me to be there with him. As we continued to talk and eat, his arm kept touching mine, and there was a moment when I wondered if the others might notice that something had changed. I looked around and saw that no one was paying much attention to us, and of course realized that there was no change between us. We've always been like people who have grown together, now I'm the only one who feels the whole situation is different. Because the way his skin touched mine, causing minor discharges beneath the surface, existed only in my head. 

After we finished dinner and put the dishes in the sink, Jolly, Noah, and I decided to play some video games.

“Are you sleepy?” Noah asked after a while, when my reaction time slowed down so much that the enemy cut off before I could even fire a single bullet at them.

“I could fall asleep,” I answered with a yawn. I put the controller down on the coffee table and held out my arm. We were sitting on the carpet in front of the couch, Harper between us, and except for the TV screen, only a small LED light was on.

“It's almost 11 and I have to leave early in the morning,” Jolly got up from the ground. “I won't be back until two weeks later, so I'll say goodbye.”

I stood up as well, and Jolly pulled me into a reserved but affectionate hug of his own.

"I'm glad you came," he told me, then hugged Noah too. “Take care of yourselves. Not to set the house on fire and stuff like that!” he added jokingly, then headed upstairs to the bathroom.

The two of us stayed in the living room as a sweetly sleeping Harper. We looked at each other, Noah was waiting with his hands in the pockets of his sweatpants, and I nervously stroked my arm. 

“I'd like to smoke a cigarette before we go up. Will you go out with me?” I asked him.

“Of course,” he answered.

We didn't talk much as we stood outside on the dark terrace. It was all like the calm before the storm that surrounded me, and it was as threatening as it was exciting and expectant. Noah was leaning against the wall with his hands still in his pockets, his head tilted slightly to the side. The tiny hairs on the back of my neck stood up as I paced up and down, looking at the dark garden. When I smoked a cigarette, we started without saying a word.

“Is it okay if you sleep in my room? There will be more room tomorrow…,” he asked while picking up my bag.

“That is perfectly fine for me,” I answered him honestly as we started up the stairs with the luggages. "Not that it's that unusual," I added. Noah turned back for a moment and smiled faintly.

“Then I don't think it's a problem to have only one bed. I didn't expect you to come,” he said when I closed the door to his room behind us.

“Somehow we'll fit.”

I tried to be optimistic, but inside I panicked a little. I couldn't even imagine that I would be so close to him for a long time, if even the way our bare arms touched in the kitchen turned me on a little.

We unpacked our things, and first I went to shower because I definitely wanted to wash off the dust from the road, then Noah. At the end, we brushed our teeth together, smiling at each other in the mirror with white foamy mouths. 

I was already in bed on the pillow covered in the newly clean sheets under the extra blanket when Noah appeared with a bottle of water and began undressing in the orange neon light. I tried to focus on the article I was reading on my phone, but I realized I was reading the same sentence for the third time as I glared at Noah over the frames of my glasses. He stood half with his back to me and first he got out of his socks, then he got rid of his t-shirt, his sweatshirt and his underwear. I've seen him without clothes countless times and I couldn't understand how his tattoos and muscles could be more prominent now, and why I went crazy when he bent down and his vertebrae were visible from under his skin as he pulled a pair of comfortable boxers over his perfect butt. I swallowed hard and tried to focus on my phone, but it was all just a distraction. Only then could I breathe a little when he hid under the covers. At least I thought everything would be easier from there, but I couldn't have been more wrong. The natural scent of Noah's skin mixed with the shower gel, and if I could smell it faintly in his bed, when he was next to me, it was all that much stronger. Stronger and more seductive. 

Noah turned on the small reading light, pulled out a psychology book from his nightstand drawer, and began to read. Everything was the same as before, and yet so different. He pulled his legs up and his knees fell to the side, right on top of my thigh that was sticking out from under the covers. I inhaled and waited. My heart rate went up in about three seconds, although there was nothing unusual about it. He was just making himself comfortable, he had been doing this all the time. I also tried to continue reading, and it worked for a few minutes. I managed to convince myself that we were in our old bed, I just got home from the tattoo studio, and Noah from band rehearsal. But then he moved his legs again and his knees slowly slid up my thighs, burrowing under my covers. I didn't dare to move, although I don't know what I was afraid of. Maybe it's because it's procrastinating? Or by noticing what all this brings out of me? But I sure was glad to be somewhat covered up because my cock came to life as soon as his bare skin touched me. The whole thing was hell and heaven at the same time. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw him bite his lip, and I was so distracted by it that I didn't even notice that one of his hands slipped under the covers and ran his palm over my thigh. I don't even know how I managed to suppress the small sound of surprise, or rather a whimper, that tried to escape from my throat. His fingers were already tracing my curve at the junction of my groin and thigh, and were getting closer and closer to my erection. I squeezed my eyes shut, and slowly and silently lowered my head back onto the pillow. Noah's hot hand disappeared from my leg, but I started to panic a little, because the next moment I felt him carefully take off my glasses. I probably failed. Probably now comes the part when he tells me in utter embarrassment and regret that I misunderstood the whole situation...

“Nick, look at me for a bit, please,” he begged softly, and his voice sent shivers through me. I slowly opened my eyes and blinked at him. He was so close…he leaned over me, his breath fluttering my eyelashes and his lips parted slightly. Those beautiful lips… Without thinking, I slid my fingers into his hair and pulled his head down to kiss him by the nape of his neck. Before he completely closes off from me, I need to feel him a little. When his lips touched mine and not long after our tongues met in his mouth, I was sure we wouldn't be able to be just friends again. We can't undo it, and I won't be able to forget that feeling, that taste in this life. We tasted each other as impatiently and excitedly as two teenagers, with the difference that we were both more experienced. Noah moaned into my mouth as I pulled him closer by the waist with my other hand that wasn't massaging his scalp. Our first kiss was completely devoid of careful groping, perhaps because we knew each other well enough. Or because we've wanted it for a long time. And then I began to hope that maybe he didn't see me as a simple friend either. Even through the blanket, I could feel how much he wanted me, and that and his teeth, which pulled my lower lip a little, completely blew my mind. I tried to pull the blanket between the two of us so I could feel it even more, I didn't care if I tore it in two, but Noah grabbed my arm and foiled my plan.

"Wait… wait a minute," he begged out of breath as he rested his forehead against mine.

"We've waited enough," I answered without thinking, because I felt just like a wanderer in the desert who finally sees the oasis, feels the life-giving water on his parched lips, the shadow above his head, and then the next moment he comes to himself and it turns out that it's all just an illusion. I licked my lips and I could still taste Noah. His locks glided softly between my fingers and I felt the movement of his back muscles under my other palm as he breathed deeply. Please let this be reality!

Noah giggled softly and slowly ran the tip of his nose over my nose and cheek, then lifted his head slightly so we could look into each other's eyes.

“We must be sure that this is what we both want. I'm afraid I'll mess something up. There's too much at stake and…”

I lifted my hips to silence him and to make sure he was going crazy with his proximity if he hadn't already noticed. Noah's eyes widened as my cock pressed against his belly, and as he swallowed, his adam's apple twitched violently under his tattooed skin. 

“Nick…”

I looked at him motionless when he said my name because I wanted the decision to be his too. One last chance to stop and decline for any reason. When his gaze slid from my eyes to my mouth, I already knew I had a winning case. Noah didn't stop me, in fact, this time he kissed me with such fervor that our teeth chattered, which made us laugh, but we didn't leave each other for a moment. His fingers brushed over my ribs, and mine were somewhere near his shoulder blade. Each touch caused a small electric shock and my whole body turned into a tingling mass. With a combined effort, I managed to first pull off my t-shirt, then remove the blanket from between the two of us, and I froze momentarily as his hard penis pressed against mine. I think that was the first point where the realization hit me that I was with another guy and I was fucking enjoying it. Noah noticed that my initial resolve wavered a bit, but I never thought for a second that I wanted to stop him. It was all too good, almost unbelievably perfect.

“Is everything okay?” he asked, showered my lips with kisses, while his eyes watched every little change of my face.

“Hmmm.” I mumbled into the silence of the room.

“We can stop anytime if it's too much.”

I shook my head violently, but Noah lifted his hips and sat on my thighs. I surprised myself with the desperate whimper that left my lips when I judged that there was too little physical contact between the two of us. I grabbed his legs, then tried to pull him closer by the waist, but Noah grabbed my hands, intertwined our fingers, and put my arms on the bed beside my head.

“I would like to give you pleasure," he explained, leaning over me. His eyes were staring at me darkly, his hair was falling forward, and his lips were shining brightly from our kisses. I nodded as Noah let go of my hands and straightened up. “Can I see you?” he asked in a raspy voice, hooking his fingers into the hem of my bottom. I nodded again and waited a little feverishly for him to undress. We had seen each other naked so many times, yet it was so different. I must have already soaked a small part of the material of my underwear, and compared to the fact that we were just kissing, I couldn't have been harder. I let out a shaky breath as he slowly began to pull my bottom down, and as he lifted off of me I raised my hips so that he could completely free me. Noah bit his lip and shamelessly stared at my crotch. I let out a confused, hoarse laugh because I was both embarrassed and blushing even more at the fact that he was watching, and the way he was staring at me with his head cocked to the side was so damn cute.

“So… are you going to do something with it or just watch?” I asked impudently.

Noah looked up and grinned. 

“Do you want my mouth or my hand?” he asked defiantly.

My breath stopped for a moment, and an image more erotic than a thousand erotic images ran through my mind. I didn't think that these little teasing would work so well between the two of us in this case, and it gave me a lot of confidence. I reached for Noah's hand and pulled it to my crotch.

“I don't think I could last more than half a minute in your mouth,” I confessed. Noah looked at me like a predator as his long, tattooed fingers closed around my cock. The sight was enough to make another dose of precum drip onto my stomach. I gasped as he began to move his hand, using the wetness as a lubricant. “The thing is... ahh... I'm not sure I'll last much longer anyway… fuck…” I muttered, turning towards the ceiling.

In the process, Noah realized that he could still occupy his mouth perfectly, and after digging his nose into my neck, his lips slid down to my collarbone. He alternated between kissing and biting, his hand continued to move up and down, sometimes stroking my glans, sometimes holding my balls in his grip.

"You smell divine," he whispered against my skin. "You're so fucking perfect…" he said in a broken voice, as he started rubbing my thighs. 

I felt that I didn't need much anymore. My cock wanted to explode, my legs were shaking, all my senses were filled with Noah's scent, the sound of his soft moans, the heat of his skin, it was too much, and yet... it was like I was standing on a rock, longing for the long-awaited flight, but I'd be a coward to jump too. As if something hidden in the back of my mind was preventing me from receiving satisfaction. I clung to Noah's shoulder, who was just covering my chest with kisses, and I moaned in pain. He reacted immediately, glancing at my face, then fixed his gaze on mine.

"I'm here," he said in a soft voice, and his hot breath caressed my mouth. His hands continued to pamper me at a perfect pace, paying more and more attention to the sensitive spot under the glans. “I feel how close you are. Do you like my hands on your body? Huh?”

As we looked at each other gasping for breath, the tingling got stronger and stronger starting at the bottom of my waist. His voice did wonders for me. The next moment I couldn't keep my eyes open, but at the same time my lips parted and my back arched. Noah latched on to my mouth, and I was immensely grateful for that, because that way I might not have woken the others. My moans were lost between his lips and he silently endured as my fingers dug into his back, searching for some kind of grip. The orgasm was overwhelming. My heart wanted to burst out of my ribs, and for several minutes it was as if I was floating weightlessly above the bed. Noah buried his face in my hair, then rolled down next to me, and I could feel him gently wiping my stomach with something. 

Then the pink mist slowly lifted and I lay back on the bed, feeling the heaviness of my limbs and how warm I was. What did we do? What happens next? I had so many things going through my mind. The thoughts came back to me and I tried unsuccessfully to put them in their place. But I was absolutely sure of one thing: I didn't regret a single moment of the past half hour.

[aurorafables]

From the Grey, Chapter 12.

Hello there! Now it didn't take that long :)

I looked up at her and shook my head helplessly.  “I've never been interested in a guy.” “Except him.” “Except him. But I don't even know when it started."

Pairing: Noah Sebastian X Nicholas Ruffilo

Warnings: 18+, Explicit, Angst, Past character death, Suicidal thoughts

Tags: M/M, M/F, Slow burn, Childhood friends, Friends to lovers, Family drama, Band fic, Masturbation, Accidental Voyeurism, P in v sex

Word Count: 3.9k

Cross-posted: AO3

12.

“I don't want you to go back on tour in January.” Danni hugged me so tightly that I could barely breathe.

The past few weeks have been too good. It's like we're still kids. For sure, the best thing I did during the break was to help Danielle move into a new apartment. I've had too much crap in the past period, and assembling IKEA furniture late into the night, flipping through our old photo albums, snuggling, and eating ice cream have all been good for me. We installed a shelf on the wall, on which family photos will be displayed.

“Chris will come over to help at any time, you just have to ask him.” I smoothed a strand of hair from his face while looking into a pair of greenish-gray eyes that were very similar to mine.

“Chris already has a fiancee. I can't ask him to sleep here and watch movies until night while we eat popcorn or ice cream,” Danni answered sadly. “And anyway... you were always my favorite brother, but don't tell anyone” she stuffed a handful of gummy bears into her mouth.

“I won't,” I answered laughing. I turned back to the wall and drilled the last hole we needed.

“And… What is it like without Maya?” she asked unexpectedly when I put the drill down. I turned to her, and it must have been written on my face that I was surprised by the sudden change of subject. She raised her hand defensively and I got the chance to steal a piece of gummy from her. “When you came home, you asked me to come back to this subject later. It's been two months, so…”

I lifted the shelf and adjusted it in the right place.

“Would you hold it while I screw it in?”

Danni took over the shelf from me and I got to work.

“In the first few weeks, it was strange that I didn't have a girlfriend. But I'm pretty used to it now.”

“So, in the past weeks, you didn't even miss Maya, but a random girlfriend.” Danielle remarked.

“I want to be honest with you. But that doesn't make me feel any less shitty,” I answered bitterly. “A huge stone fell from my heart when it turned out that she was not pregnant.”

“This is completely normal, you were not meant for each other. By the way, you said last time that you sometimes called each other since then. I just want you to remember that she scammed you with this child thing.”

I screwed in the third screw, thinking about Danni's words as I did so.

“You couldn't know what was going on until you did the test.”

Danielle snorted.

“Of course, she also accidentally forgot to take the medicine for weeks. Nick, let's be honest with each other… Maya tried to trick you with the age-old "I'm pregnant with your child" thing when she sensed that things were starting to go wrong between you two. There is nothing to beautify this.”

I might have pulled the shelf a little harder to see if it would hold. Then I started packing up the tools. 

“Maya almost kissed Noah before she got together with me,” I blurted out. “After the breakup, Jolly told me that,  when he was not completely sober. Of course, Noah didn't say a word about it for months,” I couldn't hide the disappointment in my voice if I wanted to. I turned to my sister. “I have nice friends, I can say.”

Danielle took a deep breath.

“I felt that there was something wrong with that girl” she shook her head angrily. “But I forbid you to fight with your friends because of it. It's not worth it, you hear what I'm saying?” she squeezed my arm tightly.

“Calm down, Danni, I can fix these things myself,” I took her hand and smiled a little. “I needed some distance from the others. I needed time with you.”

Really, it was a huge step forward that I didn't have to worry every day, every hour about how I really feel about Noah. Danielle distracted me, we did programs together or just enjoyed each other's company. Of course, then came the evening and the minutes before falling asleep, when my brain just couldn't turn off and started projecting memories with my best friend. A wonderful smile, a lingering touch, his closeness, his smell... And the control of my fantasies sometimes slipped out of my hands. I felt a little ashamed again when I remembered what I had done one night when Danni had gone out to have fun with her friends and I was alone in the apartment. 

Noah initiated the group call because there were some topics we needed to chew on as we prepared for our European tour earlier this year. The whole conversation promised to be dead boring, so I prepared myself a large mug of coffee in advance, settled myself comfortably on the sofa, and if necessary, I also added my thoughts to the given topic. Organization and measures were not my world, I was just waiting to play with the guys on stage again. For a while, everything went as usual: Noah said things and waited for our opinion. Or he just brought up something that he needed to make a decision about and was waiting for our help. We were talking about renting stage lights and Jolly was speaking when something interrupted the discussion.

“Ahh, shit! Fuck!” Noah moaned, and my arm got goosebumps from his voice. “Jesse, I swear I'll kill you when I'm done here!” he added a few seconds later. “Jesse decided to shoot me in the back of the head with a water pistol while we were talking,” he explained to us, but it was clear in his voice that he was not so angry and was already half smiling.

From then on, all day long I could think of nothing but that sweet, high voice. Maybe the two beers I had that night contributed to the fact that I didn't even try not to think about Noah in the shower as I ran my palm over my stomach and purposefully moved lower and lower. I could recall his voice from the shower as I unsuspectingly opened the bathroom door at the lake house and paired it with the moans on the phone, which was more than enough to make my cock hard before I even touched it. I let out a tortured laugh and turned my face to the ceiling, shaking my head as the water ran through my hair, patting the wet curls against my back. This is all unbelievable. It's like I'm a teenage boy who needs only a tiny little spark to ignite. I bit my lip and carefully wrapped my fingers around my cock because I was starting to feel like I didn't know exactly how my body was going to react when it came to Noah. I didn't want to end like in the house by the lake, lying on the wooden floor, not knowing about my world. I let my imagination run wild and at the end, when I said his name, I realized that it was perfect that way. Noah - it's all a sweet sigh that slipped out of my mouth with infinite ease during orgasm.

“Noah!” I woke up to my own desperate voice and reached frantically to the other side of the bed to feel the cold mattress. When I realized it was all just a silly dream, I sat in the middle of the bed panting, my heart beating painfully.

The knock startled me and I buried my face in my hands as I realized that I had probably woken up my sister. 

“Nick, can I come in?” Danni asked from the other side of the door. I raised my head to answer. Some light was already shining through the blinds, maybe it wasn't that early.

“Yes,” I answered weakly, and I saw how she stuck her disheveled head through the opening of the door.

“Is everything okay?” she asked, blinking at me with sleepy eyes.

“Yes, come in,” I invited again, and she finally entered the room. She stood by the bed, wrapping her arms around herself. I lifted the corner of the blanket a bit and that seemed to be all she needed because she immediately snuggled up next to me and let out a contented sigh as she successfully occupied one of my pillows as well.

I wanted to go outside to smoke, but I changed my mind, because as much as that dream upset me, it was good that I was no longer alone. 

“A bad dream?” She turned her face towards me. I also lay down facing her, pulled the blanket over my shoulders and curled up on my side.

"I had a dream that Noah was kidnapped by some crazy fans," I admitted because I was sure she heard me call out my best friend's name.

Danielle pinched her lips between her fingers, and her lost look made it look like she wanted to say something, but didn't know how to say it. 

“Nick, how long has this been going on?” she asked, getting my heart rate up again.

“What are you thinking?” I asked back and swallowed a big one, but the lump still remained in my throat. 

Danni sighed and closed her eyes tiredly.

“No matter what I think. Why don't you visit him if you miss him? You are no longer with Maya, there is no one to ask permission from.”

And I think that was exactly the problem. The gap closed between the two of us, and I was afraid that there was nothing that could stop me from doing something crazy when Noah and I were together again. Maybe that's why I pushed myself away during the last days of the tour. I was afraid of losing him, just like in my dream, which started with us hugging each other. I couldn't see his face, but I could smell him, feel the heat of his skin, and I'd never felt so safe as I did in that silly dream. Then suddenly more faceless people came and tore us apart.

I thought back to the day Noah decided he didn't want to live with me anymore. That he doesn't want to go to work with me anymore, he doesn't want to fight over which of us takes a shower first, he doesn't want us to sip coffee together on our day off tired, half leaning on the kitchen table, he doesn't want to listen to Contact with me before falling asleep, he doesn't want sleeping in a bed with me where we can snuggle to save on the heating… And he doesn't want to wake up next to me in the morning.

I was just making dinner for the two of us when Noah stepped out of the bathroom with his hair still wet and stood leaning against the counter. As he bent forward, he was almost lost in the black T-shirt he was wearing. I felt that something was bothering him that day, but I also knew that I had to be patient with him, and he would tell me anyway if I needed to know.

“Could you taste it, please?” I asked him, referring to the tomato pasta sauce. When he nodded, I took out a clean spoon and dipped it into the sauce. “It would be tastier with beef, but we didn't have it at home, so…”

"Nick, we need to talk," Noah cut in, and when I looked to the side, I saw that his whole face was gloomy.

“Okay, but first tell me if it will be good like this.” I gave him the spoon, maybe just to kill time. Noah finally tasted the sauce, then shrugged.

“I think it’s delicious… Why are you even asking me? You are much better at cooking.”

“Because the two of us will eat it, and if I guess correctly, you also have taste buds,” I answered and took the spoon from his hand, then turned back to the stove to sprinkle some more spices into the food. Noah just sighed, then sat down at the table and started typing on his phone. Meanwhile, I cooked the pasta, then leaned on the open window frame and lit a cigarette.

“You are in a bad mood all day. Is this what you want to talk about?” I cut in when I felt that if I continued, I would only prolong the suffering of both of us. Noah put his phone down and reached over to my cigarette case to take out a cigarette and light it. He only spoke when he flicked off the first batch of ash.

“I'm moving out at the weekend.”

I laughed at the strange feeling that shot through my chest. Noah looked at me confused with his brown eyes. A pained smile spread across my mouth and my limbs began to shake, probably from shock. But it wasn't as unexpected as it seemed. Noah had been looking at apartments for rent for months, but he hadn't revealed that he had found one for himself. I propped the window frame with my forearm—mainly to keep myself from falling to my knees on the pavement, not to try to look casual—and brushed my hair back from my forehead with the hand holding the cigarette. I didn't care if I set my curls on fire either. I was numb, desperate, and utterly mortified.

“On the weekend? And you're just saying now?” I moaned out my completely meaningless questions. Noah is moving out. Noah will no longer live with me.

“I... it only came out a few days ago, and you worked until the evening all week, then fell into bed dead tired. We didn't have a chance to sit down and discuss.”

I can't watch him sleep anymore. I can't listen to his breathing.

“This is important enough to sit down and discuss at any time. Even at night,” I muttered weakly.

Noah stubbed out his cigarette in exasperation and now it was his turn to run his fingers through his hair as he put his elbows on the table.

“Don't be angry... Until now somehow... I couldn't bring it up.”

I can't take care of him if he needs me… I won't smell him in bed…

“It doesn't matter. The point is that you found a good apartment.”

I also stubbed out my cigarette and stepped away from the window. I trusted that my legs would hold me.

"It's just acceptable," Noah snorted. “But finally something that I can call my own.”

I nodded, my smile finally genuine. I tried to put all my pain in the background, which was triggered by his announcement.

“I'm proud of you. You've worked hard to be able to do this.”

I went to the stove and grabbed the pasta to put on the table. While Noah was picking for himself, I went to the fridge and took out the wine I had received from one of my lovely tattoo guests as a token of his satisfaction. It didn't seem to be the cheap variety, and we'd had it for weeks, just waiting for it to come out on some big occasion. I closed my eyes for a moment and counted to three with the bottle in my hand. I can do it. This is an important moment for Noah, I can't let my selfishness come to the fore. I went back to him and poured some of the wine for us to toast with before dinner.

The night before the move, I woke up to Noah's soft sniffles. I thought he was having a bad dream, but then he snuggled up to me and hugged me like a koala. We were horribly hot and probably neither of us slept a wink, but we still lay huddled together as the first rays of dawn broke through the thick material of the blackout. 

When the band was formed, it gave us another opportunity to spend more time together, even though most of the time the guys were there with us. There was a short period with our first album when the five of us moved into a small apartment, where we pretty much lived on each other's backs with amplifiers, instruments and everything else, and it was obvious that this could not be sustained for long. Eventually, Jolly and Noah decided to move to California, and then we were no longer just a few streets away, but states. 

Just like that morning when I watched Danielle go back to sleep next to me in bed. I reached for my phone. Dad sent a picture of our song playing on the radio in the morning as he went to work. I smiled, wondering what they would say if they found out? What if my family finds out that maybe Noah and I are more than friends? I glanced back at Danni. We never said it, but we've talked about it so much that it's impossible for her not to know what's going on... but the strangest thing is that she wasn't even surprised by it and talked about it quite naturally every time. I decided there was no need to dwell on it. Maybe I'm just misinterpreting the whole thing. But I'm sure I'll have to find out somehow. 

I started looking at airplanes and decided not to wait until Christmas. I bought a ticket for the plane that left two days later, then quietly climbed out of bed and, after a quick shower, went to the kitchen to make ourselves pancakes for breakfast. 

Just Pretend soared and brought attention to the band. Our European tour was sold out weeks before it started, which resulted in many fans not even getting tickets. Since everything was booked well in advance, it was impossible to expand or reorganize the venues. As Danielle and I went for a Saturday afternoon coffee after lunch, two girls first stopped me on the street to take a photo with me, which until now really only happened at concerts and festivals where we performed. It was a strange situation, I was also a little tense, and I began to understand what Noah must be going through as our popularity grows. At the cafe, the waiter asked me which band I play in because he knows me from somewhere. He didn't ask for a picture, but noted that he loved The Death Of Peace Of Mind and wished us the best of luck going forward. And that was just one afternoon in town.

“I think you have to get used to this slowly,” Danni commented with a smile when the waiter went back to place our order.

“I will be forced to,” I answered, glancing towards the window. It was only four in the afternoon, but it was already dusk outside. “You know, this is the part I would leave out,” I looked at her. “But at the same time, it's so nice to see how happy they are with a picture.”

Danielle nodded.

“I'm proud of you, you're doing very well so far,” she tried to encourage. The waiter arrived with the requested coffees. “And now you tell me why you brought me here?”

I laughed, skimming the milk foam from my cappuccino. 

“Why can't I invite my sister for a coffee?”

“We could have made one at home. I have the most professional automatic coffee machine.”

“I wanted to go out,” I snapped at her. “I wanted to come here with you because you've always loved this place and... and I'm leaving tomorrow afternoon.”

Danielle raised her head and tucked a long strand of dark brown hair behind her ear as she grinned like a maniac. 

“You know I love you, but if you don't do it sooner or later, I'll take you to the airport myself and put you on the first flight to Los Angeles.”

“I needed some time to think things over,” I looked at her seriously. “It was especially good that I was away from them.”

Danielle nodded in agreement, then took a sip of her coffee and sighed in satisfaction.

"From him," she corrected. “The coffee is still divine here. And I understand you. Not so long ago you broke up with your girlfriend, with whom you had been together for almost a year, it is quite natural that you needed time. But the delay now seems more like suffering to me.”

“I don't know what he wants,” I muttered to myself while folding the tip of the napkin. “I might come back after a day or two.”

“Of course you don't know, maybe he doesn't either, because he's just as confused as you are. But no,” Danni shook her head, laughing. “I don't know Noah as someone who will put you on the street. And anyway… it would be quite outrageous after sharing your apartment with him for three years.”

“We don't know how things will turn out…”

“Nick, are you listening to me? For as long as I've known Noah, he always has been looking for you with his glance. He looks at you like you're his savior. And let's face it, you kind of were just when he needed a savior the most.”

“Doesn't it bother you?” slipped out of my mouth because I didn't understand.

“What exactly?”

I groaned and with a big sigh leaned closer to my sister over the table so no one could hear us.

“That 's about my best friend. That… that he's a… man,” I whispered through gritted teeth.

“Are you implying that why I didn't freak out that you're bisexual?” Danielle asked back, her big, gray-green eyes boring into mine. I just blinked and looked down at the table. “Because you're still my Nicky. Do you know that?”

I looked up at her and shook my head helplessly. 

“I've never been interested in a guy.”

“Except him.”

“Except him. But I don't even know when it started. Can I show you something?” I asked, driven by a sudden idea. “I need to know if I'm just imagining it.”

When Danielle nodded, I reached into my jacket pocket and pulled out the Polaroid photo I'd been looking at all morning to see if I could decipher it. The picture with Anne, my ex, and a sad Noah in the background who looked just like his heart was broken. I pushed the picture in front of my sister and anxiously waited to see what she thought. 

“Noah hated Anne from the bottom of his heart, and he never told me why. There was a possibility in my mind that he wanted her for himself, but… I just don't think so. My instincts don't tell me that.”

Danielle looked at it thoughtfully for a moment, then slid the picture back in front of me. A half-smile crossed her lips.

“If he feels just a small part of what he felt when the picture was taken, he will never let you go back to Virginia.”

[aurorafables]

From the Grey, Chapter 11.

Hey! I hope you will like this chapter :)

"It's all just… it's not me. We used to joke about this as two buddies. In the past, we would have teased each other without any problems. In the past, I wouldn't have wanted to carry him to bed while repeating to his lips that he is mine."

Pairing: Noah Sebastian X Nicholas Ruffilo

Warnings: 18+, Explicit, Angst, Past character death, Suicidal thoughts

Tags: M/M, M/F, Slow burn, Childhood friends, Friends to lovers, Family drama, Band fic, Masturbation, Accidental Voyeurism, P in v sex

Word Count: 4k

Cross-posted: AO3

11.

I woke up to someone knocking at the door. At first I was convinced that I hadn't fully awaked and that it was all just a weird dream, because why would someone bang Nowhere To Go on the door? But no matter how hard I tried to wake myself up, the noise just got louder.

“Nick, it's me!” Folio shouted, and suddenly the drumming made sense. “Open it, please.”

It was much harder to move than I thought. I almost fell off the bed and stumbled to the door with my shoulder against the wall. When I opened it, there was a bright light from the hallway. I pressed my forearm in front of my eyes and leaned against the door jamb, sure enough. 

“Good morning, Sunshine!” Folio greeted me with a wide smile.

“A little quieter, please,” I whispered, barely audible, because I had no voice.

“Can I come in?” Folio whispered back, and I just shrugged. A sudden backward turn was all it took for the whole room to start spinning around me. The sickness came like an express train. I made the short distance to the bathroom in much less time than I thought I could. I fell to my knees in front of the toilet and let out everything that was still in my stomach. Then I got sick again from the suffocating smell of alcohol and it started all over again. Folio held my hair back, which was really nice of him, because I had to hold on to the toilet seat to avoid falling into it. It finally got a little better, and I slapped my ass like a rag doll on the cold tile.

"Don't ever let me drink again," I looked deep into Folio's eyes, my voice still no more than a mumble.

“It's not like anyone could have stopped you yesterday,” he answered, and then jumped in about what happened the night before. I met them at the bar and it annoyed me that by then they were just as well off the alcohol as Noah was… I caught up to them quickly and probably overtook them both based on Folio's condition.

"I shouldn't have drunk so much," I said to the toilet roll holder.

“The fact that you broke up with Maya is a pretty compelling reason.”

I suddenly turned to Folio and, reading his face, tried to guess how much I had told them about what had happened yesterday. 

“Could this stay between us?” I asked hopefully.

Folio looked away.

“Unfortunately, we are already late for this.”

“What do you mean by that?”

"It's a good story, listen," he began cheerfully. “Matt went to you at noon because he thought you had fallen asleep. He knocked on Noah's room, and you can imagine how shocked he was when it wasn't Noah, and not you, but an unknown girl who opened the door with almost no clothes on,” Folio said, and he had fun imagining the situation. “So Matt sent the chick away after a system reboot and pulled Noah out from under the covers, then the poor boy got a nice cold shower. Matt was mad about the girl, and because Noah is in at least as bad a state as you are now… Then he walked up and down asking everyone in the crew where you might be. Be glad he didn't wake you up.” 

“I'm bursting with joy,” I rolled my eyes, which resulted in my head throbbing even harder. I carefully picked myself up from the ground. “Where are the others?”

“Jolly and Bryan are with Noah now, and I came to you.”

“And what did you say to Matt when he asked about me?”

“That you had a bad night because you broke up with Maya,” replied Folio.

“According to this, everyone already knows about it... “ I leaned against the edge of the basin with a resigned sigh. I turned on the tap and washed my face with cold water.

“Look on the positive side of things: this way Matt won't be so mad at you, and you're lucky because you don't have to sing tonight, unlike Noah,” he winked at me with a grin.

I put toothpaste on my toothbrush and started brushing my teeth hoping I wouldn't feel sick again while Folio put a painkiller on the nightstand that I couldn't thank enough for.

“Bryan said he would check in on you later. Also, you could save Matt a few gray hairs if you came down to lunch with us in an hour.”

“I'll be there,” I promised him before he left me alone, but after taking the medicine I was already leaning back on the bed. I closed my eyes, but my zigzagging thoughts and splitting headache wouldn't let me rest. Before I go down to the others, it wouldn't hurt to ask Folio what I told them. I squinted my eyes and tried to recall the night before when I arrived at the bar.

“The lost man!” Jolly greated me with open arms when he saw me. “Matt was looking for you everywhere.”

“He already found me, we ran into each other at the hotel,” I answered and sat next to him in the booth. I picked up the drinks menu and started browsing. “What are you drinking?”

“What not?” Folio asked back and raised his beer. The two of them had a good laugh about it, but I just kept reading the drinks, wondering where to start.

“Is everything okay?” Jolly asked, changing to a more serious tone.

I had already lied to two people when they asked something similar, and I was getting tired of having to pretend in front of my friends.

"Actually, nothing is okay," I answered in an emotionless voice. “But everything will be better after a few drinks, won't it?” I looked up at them hopefully.

"Maybe I screwed up," I told them after the umpteenth glass, when things started to get out of my control. “Maybe she didn't get enough attention from me…”

“And that's why she became a bitch?” Jolly snorted with a girl on his knee, who I didn't even know how to get there. Folio is long gone, and I suspect his disappearance may have had something to do with his consumption of the beer and the shots.

"Women tend to go crazy if they don't get enough love," the girl said, whose name I no longer remember. He didn't mind and kissed her as if I wasn't even there.

“You are a shit company” I muttered to myself, because probably no one was paying attention to me.

I looked around the place, which was packed with people even on a Thursday night. Folio said that you have to book a table on the weekend, there are so many people, so we were lucky that there was still a place for us. The music wasn't too loud, so we could have had a comfortable conversation if someone had wondered what happened to me... 

My eyes settled on a girl who was sitting at a nearby table with two of her other friends, and it wasn't the first time that our eyes locked. She was wearing a miniskirt with over-the-knee boots, and her hair was braided almost down to her waist. She smiled faintly when she saw me looking at her. 

“It's not your fault,” declared Jolly, and I turned to him surprised that he returned to our conversation from the girl's mouth. “Maya has already started quite interestingly, as far as I know…”

I frowned and drank the rest of the whiskey before all the ice melted. 

“What do you mean by that?”

“We'll discuss it at a more suitable time,” he glanced at the girl in his lap. I shook my head violently, wanting to know what he meant.

“If you started, finish it.”

Jolly sighed and gently patted her thigh.

“Would you mind leaving us alone for a bit?” he asked her. She nodded, and after one last kiss, she walked towards the bar. I looked impatiently at Jolly, who sighed again, shaking his head.

"I shouldn't have brought this up now," he said in a strong Swedish accent.

“There's no going back. What is it that I don't know about?” I leaned forward towards the table so I could better hear what he was saying.

“I just thought that you shouldn't blame yourself for the ruin of your relationship... Maya tried to hit on Noah, which is already quite unpleasant.” 

I just looked at my friend for half a minute and maybe didn't even blink.

“What did she do?”

“She flirted with Noah, almost kissed him. You weren't even together then…”  Jolly raised his arms defensively. “But Noah decided not to tell you, because we saw you were really into her.”

I laughed to myself as my soul, or my heart, or both, damn it, continued to crack under my chest. It hurt that Maya did this, but even more so that Noah wasn't honest with me. It's unbelievable how this evening could have gotten any worse, and I really could only laugh at the whole thing. Either that or complete madness. 

“Dude, I think it was supposed to be this way,” Jolly tried to reassure me, while looking at me understandingly from the other side of the table, but I didn't pay much attention to him anymore. I stared again at the girl with her long braid, because now she was alone, and while she was drinking, she kept glancing at me. Jolly followed my gaze. He shook his head, then put his hand on my hand to make me pay attention to him a little more. “It won't make you feel better. You're not like that.”

I would have liked to scream because he got to the point. A pretty girl might have been a good distraction, but I would have felt even worse afterwards. I glared at Jolly, who let go of my hand and leaned back in his chair. “You're an adult, it's your decision.”

“Fuck it. Fuck everything and everyone!” I grumbled under my breath, then I jumped up and cut through the crowd. I didn't stop at the girl's table, I didn't even look at her, but kept walking all the way to the bar. I don't remember much of what happened next, but I do know that I was stuck at the bar and kept refilling my glass.

Bryan arrived just as I was finishing my shower. I half-dried my hair with the hair dryer, then we headed towards the hotel restaurant. To be honest, I didn't have much of an appetite, my stomach still hadn't settled down, but I knew I had to pull myself together somehow by evening. As soon as we stepped out into the hallway, we met Steven and Matt. They both looked at me like someone had died, and then I understood why Noah didn't want to spread the word about breaking up with Karin. 

“Is everything okay, Nick?” Steven asked, putting his hand on my shoulder.

“I'll be fine,“ I patted his shoulder with a tired and not very sincere smile.

"If you get over the hangover, that's half win," told Bryan from the other side of me, which earned him a tongue out. Matt was strangely quiet, so I snapped at him. He was on his phone, and when I turned to Bryan with a question, at first he just shrugged.

"They had a bit of a fight with Noah," he muttered between the two of us as we let Steven and Matt forward at one of the doors. We were the first to arrive from the team and sat down at the big table. Jolly and Folio came shortly after us, and only one chair remained empty. I drank my coke more and more impatiently, looked at the time on my phone and saw that we had to go to the rehearsal in an hour. I sighed and leaned over Jolly.

"I'll go and get him," I told him, getting up from the table when Noah entered the restaurant. He was wearing sweatpants with a hoodie and sunglasses. He had probably just gotten out of the shower too, because the hair at the back of his neck was still wet. He turned towards us and just saw me sit back in my chair.

“Where did you go?” he asked me in a low voice as he sat down between Jolly and Steven.

“I thought I'd see if everything was okay with you,” I answered him, and in the meantime our lunch arrived, so we didn't talk anymore.

I was the one who finished eating the earliest and decided to smoke a cigarette outside while the others finished. I wasn't alone for long, and I didn't even have to look back to know that Noah had followed me out into the yard. 

"Danielle called me, she said she couldn't reach you," he began, looking into the distance with his arms folded in front of his chest. I wanted to see his eyes, because that way I couldn't decide what was going through his mind.

“I left my phone in my room because it was dead,” I said, staring at the road.

“Call her back because she seemed quite upset. Maybe she just found out about your breakup with Maya. “

I glanced at Noah from the side and saw how tight his lips were. As if you have a right to be angry…

“Did Jolly tell you?” I asked him.

“It doesn't matter who it was. I'm only sorry I didn't hear it from you.”

“I didn't have a chance to talk with you,” I answered him, but it annoyed me that it sounded like an apology, so I added: “I would have liked to, but you were busy last night.” 

Great... Now it sounded like a hysterical bitch said it.

Noah finally turned to me, even though he still had his sunglasses on.

“Why didn't you tell me?” he asked in a softened, almost worried voice.

I looked up at the sky and giggled in a scratchy voice.

“In front of the girl? Something tells me she was more interested in the size of my dick than my mental state,” I said sarcastically.

The muscles on Noah's chin tensed, but he had a solution for that.

“We could have a walk together. You are more important to me than that girl.”

For some reason, that sentence of his turned my anger on to such a level that I'm surprised I didn't shoot lightning with my eyes.

“And after that?” I asked him. I felt like the devil was inside me and I couldn't keep my mouth shut. “Shall we do that particular threesome thing afterwards? Would you like it?”

My anger evaporated as quickly as it had come. By the time I got to the end of what I had to say, soaked in poison, I wanted to punch myself in the face. I could only blame my idiotic behavior on the fact that I had a terrible evening, I was tired and hungover. Noah froze, then blushed, and I could almost hear the tension sizzling around him. I couldn't look at his face any longer, I felt embarrassed by my own stupidity. It's all just… it's not me. We used to joke about this as two buddies. In the past, we would have teased each other without any problems. In the past, I wouldn't have wanted to carry him to bed while repeating to his lips that he is mine. I took a big swallow and turned away to put out the burnt cigarette on top of the bin. When I turned back, Noah was standing right in front of me and I cursed his stupid sunglasses again for not being able to see his eyes. He grabbed my wrist, then pushed his phone into my hand. 

“Call your sister back. She's worried about you.”

His voice trembled as if he was overflowing with emotion, but even so it sounded firm and commanding. He went back to the restaurant and after a few calming breaths I did as he asked. I looked up Danielle's number and called her.

“Noah?” she asked excitedly as she picked it up.

“I'm Nick. Noah said you were looking for me,” I answered. She let out a tense breath, which made me start to worry more and more why she wanted to talk to me. “Danni, is there something wrong?”

“I talked to Maya. She called me and sobbed through the entire phone call.”

“Yes, we broke up over the phone yesterday. Just the way I didn't want to. It's completely understandable that…”

“No, that's not the problem,” interrupted Danielle impatiently. “She said she hasn't taken birth control for a few months. And that you have been together several times since then.”

I gripped the phone tightly between my fingers and the morning dizziness returned with renewed force. I crouched down and rested my back against a pillar. 

“Nick, can you hear me?”

"Yeah, I'm here," I mumbled in response as I stared out of my head and tried to slow my breath. “Do you think she's pregnant?”

This problem has so far been postponed since last night. As if everything wasn't messed up enough…

“I don't know, Nicky. Do you remember when was the last time you two…?”

It wasn't too hard to remember, because that's when I decided that I couldn't do this anymore.

“About a month ago, when she traveled to Vegas with us.”

"If she is pregnant, she should have known about it a long time ago," Danielle said, but her voice sounded uncertain. “If she suspects, she should have already taken a test.”

“Danni, now I... I have to prepare for the evening show,” I said while trying to push the despair into the background. Then in the evening, after the concert, when I'm alone, I'll have a chance to fall apart.

“Nick, listen to me!” she said firmly from the other end of the line. “Whatever it is, we'll solve it, you understand? Mom, dad and I stand by you. You are not alone. And remember, the situation is not as dire as it first seems.”

Her words brought tears to my eyes. A warning sign that I'm tired and a breakdown is too close.

“I know, and thank you. I love you.”

“Me too. Take care of yourself!”

I pressed the call end and leaned my head against the pillar. Out of the corner of my eye I noticed Noah watching from the door and I could tell he didn't know what to do. I think the reason why he was so insecure was because he hadn't seen me so desperate. I took pity and smiled at him, but my smile was more melancholy than cheerful. In any case, it was enough to make him walk towards me. I handed him the mobile.

"Thank you," I said softly, to which he just nodded. As he stood next to me, I continued to squat leaning against the pillar, he seemed even taller than he actually was, but I didn't mind. His height never bothered me, because under his tall figure and nicely shaped muscles, he was still the fragile boy whom I hugged every night so that he wouldn't have bad dreams.

"You don't look good," he said when I stood up. It was obvious that he wanted to talk, but lately it was unpredictable where we were going during our exchanges. Am I asking something stupid again about the girl from yesterday? Am I going to be hysterical because he was busy and I had to drown my sorrows in alcohol? Or is he just getting too close to me and I'm stuck between the pillar and his body while he stares at my lips and I forget to breathe?

I tried to put some life into my voice when I spoke.

“We have a show tonight. We have to focus on that now, after that... I don't know.”

Noah nodded, but at the same time he was scanning my face as if he could read everything from there. He was no longer wearing his sunglasses, we were both squinting in the strong autumn sun. I turned to go into the restaurant because I didn't know what to say to him. I didn't want to talk to anyone, not even him. But Noah grabbed my wrist as I was very determined about leaving, which for some reason hit me so badly that I yanked my hand out of his grip without thinking. I turned back to him and saw him looking at my hand, then at his own. His lips quivered and he couldn't hide how disappointed he was. I cursed myself because I was so tempted to hug him like I used to when something made him sad, but Danni's words echoed in my head. "There are times when you have to put yourself before others, Nicky."

I put my hands in the pockets of my jeans so as not to accidentally do something that I would regret later.

“Now I need some space. There's too much going on at the same time and... well, I want to be alone with my own thoughts,“ I tried to put into words my constantly crumbling psyche.

Noah watched for a while longer. Maybe he wanted to decipher it, because he couldn't really understand why I was so obviously avoiding him. I didn't really understand why either, but a subtle inner voice told me that I had to do this now. 

"If you need me, you know where to find me," he finally said resignedly. I couldn't have expected more from him, and I'm sure that my grateful smile showed how much his words meant. I turned around and walked in with the others. We had to leave for the rehearsal shortly, but luckily a coffee still fit in the time.

We played the remaining four concerts that week. Fortunately, time flew by quickly and I only noticed that I was on stage on the last stop of our North American tour. Noah put himself back into it and was in good spirits throughout, which I wasn't surprised about: Matt pointed out that our song Just Pretend had been trending on TikTok for weeks, starting an incredible upward wave in the band's popularity. All four of us were happy with the news, but Bad Omens has always been Noah's masterpiece, anyone can say anything. He was the one who constantly tried to keep the band alive, always came up with new ideas, and wrote the best songs and lyrics one after another. As we played our song Like A Villain, Noah's beautiful expressive voice crept into my consciousness.

"You need a new clean slate without the dents 

A place to put your pain, your consequence

When you look into the mirror, are you even there?

I don't wanna know all your secrets 'cause I'll tell

It's hard enough being alone with myself

I don't know how long I'll be holding on

How will I survive nearly 3 months at home? How am I ever going to handle not seeing him for so long? 

I know you tried your hardest, I know that you meant well

But you pushed me to the edge and I slipped, and then I fell

I don't know how long I'll be holding on"

Noah turned to me for a moment and smiled painfully. It was barely noticeable, just a stray glance, yet it was on my mind even as I was already at the airport hotel the next day waiting to fly home to Virginia the next morning. I took a deep breath and prepared the cigarette and the lighter on the bedside table. I knew I would need it later. Then I picked up my phone and dialed Maya's number. Time to clear some things up before I even attempt to move forward.

[aurorafables]

From the Grey, Chapter 10.

Hey :) I'm back with this story, and you may not have to wait so long for the next part.

Pairing: Noah Sebastian X Nicholas Ruffilo

Warnings: 18+, Explicit, Angst, Past character death, Suicidal thoughts

Tags: M/M, M/F, Slow burn, Childhood friends, Friends to lovers, Family drama, Band fic, Masturbation, Accidental Voyeurism, P in v sex

Word Count: 4.1k

Cross-posted: AO3

10.

The endless roads, sleeping to the monotonous sound of the bus engine, cities that change every day, crazy fans, flashing lights, staying overnight, brushing your teeth in the morning at a gas station, unhealthy food, playing video games until sunrise, the total loss of time, the chaos in your internal clock, Jolly's silly jokes, Folio and his hyperactivity, Noah's toothy smile, his voice after waking up, the smell of his hair when he rests his head on my shoulder exhausted... 

It was the enthusiastic roar of the audience that pulled me back to the present. I was standing on stage, Noah was talking to the crowd, and for a moment I completely lost touch with the outside world as I watched him. It can't become my routine when I'm in front of everyone. I quickly turned around with the guitar around my neck and bent down to get my water to get some time. I'm not a spectator now, I'm part of the band and I'm working, I muttered to myself as I took a few sips. I can call myself really lucky, because this and also the tattoo work are amazing, so I can't screw it up. The boys count on me. I brushed back my locks of hair from my face and looked up at Folio, who was smiling at me from behind the drums. I returned the gesture and turned back to face the audience. The show went on.

We played Too Close To Touch for the fourth time that week in Keaton's memory, but none of the times were as moving as that night. Noah's voice was full of pain as he sang a duet with his friend, who had already moved among the angels, and the few hundred people who witnessed him lay his whole heart out in front of them on that stage, making himself infinitely vulnerable. I watched worriedly, even though I knew he wouldn't break, he was much stronger than that. During the guitar solo, he looked back at me over his shoulder. Dark shadows fell on his face, his gaze became veiled and he looked at me almost pleadingly as his lips trembled. He shook his head barely perceptibly. Then he broke his gaze and walked over to the drums to take a sip. No explanation was needed, I just looked into his expressive eyes to guess what he meant. I have been in that place created by despair, anger and fear. When you are afraid of losing someone very important to you.

"Noah, the sun is slowly shining on you," I entered the room after I finished showering. I just pulled my jeans up, then knelt on the bed we'd shared for months and pulled out the blackout. "We have to go to the salon, otherwise Michelle will be really mad."

The boy lying on the bed was unaffected by my words. He pulled the blanket over his head, completely disappeared under it, and turned onto his side.

"Noah, doe, what's wrong?" I asked with furrowed brows, because it wasn't typical of him. Of the two of us, I was the one who hated mornings more, not him.

"I don't think I'm going in today," he whispered in the pile of blankets. “Will you tell Michelle I'm sick?”

I carefully pulled the blanket off his head. Noah blinked tiredly at me, his auburn hair spread across the white pillow and he was much paler than usual. Her pale freckles almost glowed on her skin and her lips were completely dry. 

“What's wrong?” I asked again, now full of concern. “Are you not feeling well?”

“I think I caught something, maybe when…” but he couldn't finish because he started coughing. I remembered that he was already coughing and wheezing the night before when we came up the stairs. When the coughing stopped a little, I ran my hand over his forehead.

“I don't think you have a fever. But there's antipyretics in the drawer if needed.”

"I just need to rest a little," he said quietly, because it seemed that even talking was too tiring for him.

I knelt next to the bed so that our heads were at the same level.

“You must promise to call if you feel worse.”

Noah smiled languidly, flashing his sweet, snow-white bunny teeth.

“Go to work, because Michelle is going to be mad,” he quoted my words. “And don't worry about me, I'll be fine. I'm not going anywhere,” he added, and his eyes were already starting to close.

We got off the stage before the last three songs and the first thing I did was hug him. I caught him unexpectedly, he froze for a moment in my arms. The microphone was wedged uncomfortably between our chests, my guitar lodged in my hipbone, we were both sweaty, but none of that mattered. We both needed this. We understood each other without words, and we assured the other without words that we were there for each other, no matter what happened. 

I remembered how scared I was when he called me. I just tattooed the calf of a nice woman, and left everything there without reason. I threw the tattoo machine on the small table, tore the gloves off my hands, and waved an apology to the guest, who fortunately was understanding because he heard our conversation. Noah was crying, gasping, and afraid he was going to die. He complained of constant sharp pain in his right side from his shoulder to his abdomen. And I called the ambulance because I knew it was a big problem. I heard it in his voice. I didn't wait for the bus at the two stops, instead I ran home as if my life depended on it. 

I arrived at our apartment together with the ambulances, I let them in. My hands were shaking as I took the key out of my pants pocket and panted frantically. Noah was still in bed, but in much worse shape than he had been when I left for work a few hours ago. He gasped for breath as if he was having a panic attack, but something told him it could be something more serious. The medical staff flocked into the small room and got to work. They asked when it all started, where his pain was, then they took his blood pressure and felt his abdomen. The doctor touched him with extreme caution, quietly trying to calm him down. I can't put into words how grateful I was that she was as careful with him as I would have been. She told Noah that it would be all right, and I clung to that catchphrase. An IV was inserted into his vein and one of the nurses said something about his blood oxygen level, but I didn't really catch it. They put an oxygen mask on him and decided they needed to take him to the hospital. I stood in the door of the room with my feet completely rooted, I didn't understand what the hell was going on. The doctor must have taken pity because she came to me while the others were putting Noah on the stretcher.

"Your friend is in a bad condition, but his life is not in danger either. Further tests are required, which we can do at the hospital. Where are his parents? According to his papers, he is only sixteen years old."

"I... he... he doesn't have parents," I stammered.

“Who is his guardian?” asked the young woman. It was half on my tongue that I was, but I quickly shook my head to get my thoughts in place.

“His grandparents.”

“Can you notify them?”

My eyes drifted to Noah's phone lying on the floor, then I nodded.

“I can call his grandmother.”

“That would make our job easier,” she nodded with an encouraging smile. “Can you gather some things for him while we take him in for examinations? Clothes, pyjamas, toiletries…”

“Of course.”

She nodded again, then looked at Noah, whose cough was muffled by the oxygen mask.

“Do you know if your friend has an eating disorder?”

“No, he… he was always so thin. He's under a lot of stress... he's always upset about something, but no... ,” I mumbled back and forth.

“Air may have entered the pleural cavity, because of this his lungs can't do their job properly, that's probably why he's sick” she told me, but I just watched Noah start to be pushed towards the door.

“Can I say goodbye to him?” I asked the doctor, who nodded. I walked over to the side of the stretcher and took Noah's hand, the one that wasn't pierced. His skin was covered in cold sweat, the mask fogged up in front of his nose and mouth with every exhalation.

“Everything will be okay, doe, I'll see you soon.”

Noah squeezed my hand and we let go and he was led out of the apartment. After a few moments, I was standing alone in the room, in total silence, and wrapped my arms around myself. I didn't want to cry. Then I realized that there was no one there to keep me strong. 

Noah ended up spending three days in the hospital, and his grandmother—whom I met for the first time then—helped arrange for me to be in with him most of the day. Maybe we had different views, maybe she wasn't a model grandmother, but at least she loved Noah, even though she didn't know how to express her feelings.

The crowd demanded an encore and Noah started squirming in my arms. I let go of him and watched as he stepped back with a smile and put his earpiece back on. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Folio and Jolly watching us, then as if I caught them, they quickly looked away. Jolly began to tune his guitar and Folio examined the toe of his shoe. 

"Let's play the remaining three songs," Noah said a little louder for the others to hear as Matt began the intro to The Death Of Peace Of Mind. He turned on his heel and strode onto the stage.

I climbed off the bus in downtown Chicago, in the parking lot of our hotel, with numb legs. I took a deep breath of the smog-filled air, then stretched my arms toward the sky. It was late afternoon, the sun was just setting, and people were on their way home from work. We usually started work at this time, but that day we had a day off. 

“Do you have any plans for tonight?” Noah asked as he stepped next to me.

“I don't think so,” I shook my head. “I'd rather just rest and such.”

“We must take advantage of the fact that we can sleep in a comfortable bed," he said with a smile.

“I think that's exactly what I'm going to do.”

“Guys, I still need to talk to the reception to clarify the reservation.”  Matt approached us with a tablet in his hand. “But twenty minutes, and you can occupy the rooms.”

“I'm going for a walk and I'll make a call,” I picked up my mobile phone. “Shall I return your hoodie?” I asked Noah. He gave it to me on the way, because after lunch I was sleepy and a little cold, and my own clothes were packed in my big suitcase.

“Will be okay later,” he answered and ran after Matt towards the entrance of the hotel.

I took a cigarette out of my pocket, lit it, and started walking towards the crowd flowing down the street. Maya had already sent several messages saying she wanted to talk, and something told me it would be best if the others didn't overhear this call. My plan was to sit in a cafe, in some quiet corner, but I ended up buying a hotdog from a street vendor and headed for the nearby park that I saw on Google Maps. I had to walk all the way to the small artificial lake in the middle to be able to make a phone call. Even the noise of the cars filtered in there. Maya answered the phone quickly, she probably didn't get home from work that long.

“Hello, Nick.”

“Hi, Maya. You wrote that you wanted to talk…”

“Oh... that was last night.”

I closed my eyes for a moment. I know she wanted to talk yesterday and I managed to ignore her.

“I was too tired after the concert,” I answered, which actually reflected reality.

“It's okay, it's not that important, it's just... I was thinking a little. About us.”

I leaned forward, my elbow resting on my knee. Maybe she will end up breaking up with me over the phone? It was strange that she didn't bring up the case, because I didn't call her back the day before. There was a short pause in the effect, which was so nerve-wracking that my feet began to squirm nervously on the gravel floor. 

“Will you tell me?”

“I was thinking that maybe a baby would be good for our relationship.”

I asked her to repeat it again because I couldn't hear her well. She said the same thing a second time while I looked out of my head with wide eyes. I expected something completely different. That she will fight with me. That she's holding us accountable for the fact that we haven't spoken in days. That she brings up, our relationship no longer makes sense. But this topic surprised me so much that I suddenly didn't even know how to react.

“This is very bad timing,”I answered her in an emotionless voice.

“And will there be such a thing as good timing?” she asked back. “Nick, you are thirty years old. Would having a child really be so weird?”

No, that wasn't the weird one. Rather, it never occurred to me that I wanted a child from her, but I was too polite to say that.

“It's not about how old I am. The band is soaring, and now it's taking up all my energy,” I answered her and started kicking the stones under my feet.

“Of course, because Noah needs to be babysat all the time.”

“It has nothing to do with him,” I answered, and it really took a lot of effort not to raise my voice. I was tired of her always bringing Noah up when something didn't go the way she wanted it to.

“So what? What are we waiting for?” she asked phlegmatically, which made me lose my composure.

I let out a laugh in agony that echoed through the trees like the laughter of a madman.

“Do you really wanna know what I want?”

“And you care what I want?” she asked back.

“You want to chain yourself to me with a child,” I said my thoughts because I couldn't hold it in anymore. “You feel that we are slowly moving away from each other, and you think that a baby can solve everything. Sorry, this is not working for me… our relationship has been screwed for months now.

I finally said the obvious, and it was as if a huge stone fell from my heart. I could breathe again.

“Do you mean that you want to break up?” Maya asked softly.

I took a deep breath and rubbed my eyes under my glasses.

“I'm sorry... I didn't mean to be so harsh.”

“You know what, Nick? Don't be sorry! You better fuck off! And I fucking hope I'm not pregnant with your baby!” she shouted, then she finished the call.

After that I sat and stared at the dark screen for several minutes. When I was already cold because the sun had completely set, I left the park and started walking the streets, thinking, did I screw up? In the beginning, everything was as beautiful as in a fairy tale. I felt like I was in love, but after a few months the feeling disappeared, like it wasn't really there. What happened in the meantime? I put my hands in the pockets of his sweatshirt because it was getting colder. It was completely dark and there were far fewer people around me. Was Maya right all along and is it all because of Noah? Because of my sick emotions that are starting to dominate me more and more? If it wasn't for Noah… no, I couldn't get into that thought, because that was enough to make my chest tighten painfully. I couldn't imagine my life without Noah. I was sure that if he wasn't there, I would feel like I was missing something…someone. 

I found myself with the pavement running out from under my boots as I made it to the shores of Lake Michigan. I didn't know how long I'd been walking, so I pulled out my phone to check the time. It was already past eight, which meant I was over an hour away from the park. I sighed tiredly when I saw that I had received a bunch of messages. I looked around the illuminated beach. A larger group of young couples and a group of high school students were nearby. I sat down on the sandy beach and opened the messages.

Jolly asked if I would like to sit with them somewhere for a drink, then sent the name of the place, which was finally chosen with Folio. And Matt asked if I was still alive, if he should call the police.

“Everything is fine, I just came for a walk,” I texted him back before he actually sent half the FBI on me.

When I read it back, I furrowed my brows. I hated to lie, but after all... it's not a big deal, no one kidnapped me. I just broke up with my girlfriend after ten months. This sort of thing happens, with some we decided after two years, some snapped without any signs, and I survived that too. 

"I fucking hope I'm not pregnant with your baby!" Maya's words echoed in my head. No, I don't need to deal with that right now. I tried to focus on the sound of the waves and the wind, and when I did, I imagined I was on the terrace of the house by the lake and Noah was with me. 

The next hour almost flew by, but then I started babbling while sitting still. It was 10:30 and I was thinking about walking or taking a taxi back to the hotel. When I saw that if I went purposefully, I would have to walk for just over half an hour, so I chose that. It took me another half hour to completely calm down. 

When I got to the door of the hotel, Matt almost pushed me, scooting out.

“Nick, finally! I wanted to talk to you," he began, leaving no room for words. “There is a problem with the rooms. And there was a question, would it be a big deal if you had to sleep with Noah? There is also extra bedding and a pull-out sofa. If you want to relax completely alone, it can be done, I'll tell the receptionist right away…”

“No problem, Matt.” I put my hand on his shoulder. “Leave it, I wanted to talk to Noah anyway.”

Matt sighed in apparent relief.

“Okay. It's great. Noah's room is… 326,” he looked down at the tablet in his hand. “I'm sorry, Steven just arrived, and only then did it become clear that there were fewer rooms.”

“It's really not a problem,”I reassured him with a tired smile as I walked past him through the photocell door. “Sleep well!”

“You too!“ he shouted to me and started towards the parked bus.

I entered the elevator and pressed the button for the 3rd floor. When I reached the top, I easily found door 326. I have slept in so many different hotels, motels that finding my way around was no problem. I knocked on the red oak door and it only occurred to me that I didn't know how I was going to start when Noah opened the door. Should I cut right through the middle? Maybe it would be best…

But when the door opened, I couldn't even speak. A girl with jet black hair was standing in front of me in a skimpy baby blue top and black lace panties that were so see-through for even a fleeting glance that I had to catch my eye. She had a glass of champagne in one hand, while the other was leaning against the door next to her head. My first thought was to walk away amid profuse apologies and call Matt because he must have given the wrong room number, but then she spoke.

“Hello, Nicholas.” Her voice was like concentrated sugar, only much more nauseating as she blinked at me with her big blue eyes.

“Do we know each other?” I was completely shocked.

“I know you, but you probably don't know me.”

In the next moment, Noah also appeared next to her, in a string of underwear, with wet hair, and slowly everything made sense. She snuggled up to his side and wrapped her arms around his waist. 

I smiled in embarrassment and shook my head. The evening became more and more interesting, and I gave up trying to follow the events.

“I’m so sorry..”

“Nick, are you okay?” Noah asked. I heard in his speech that he also drank a lot of that particular champagne.

“Of course, I just... wanted to return your hoodie.” another lie, but I didn't even count anymore. I locked eyes with my best friend for a while. I was sure he knew I wasn't telling the truth.

“What if he joins too?”  the girl turned to Noah, interrupting the moment.

At first I wanted to laugh at the absurdity of it. It slowly dawned on me that she might be a fan of ours, that's why she knows me, and I remembered how upset Noah was when I innocently flirted with a girl who was at our concert, long before Maya. 

I felt burning stares on me and turned to Noah in disbelief. They both looked at me like merchandise that could be bought. 

"Unfortunately, Nick has a girlfriend," Noah finally said, grinning at her. “Although you’re right, he's the only person on Earth I'd be willing to share with.”

I felt nauseous for the second time that night, first during Maya's call, and then there, standing in the hallway of a hotel, staring alternately at Noah and his one-night stand, who was barely wearing any clothes and who he'd probably picked up at the bar in less than an hour. I wouldn't be surprised if they had been through several rounds. I wanted to end this conversation. I've never felt so uncomfortable around Noah. I pulled the hoodie over my head and pressed it into its owner's hand.

“Have a nice evening!” I forced a smile and immediately turned around. I heard Noah whisper my name, but I pretended not to notice.

I went down to reception and couldn't be more grateful when they got me a room in ten minutes. Matt wouldn't have been happy if he knew I booked it in my own name, but it didn't matter. Noah brought a girl here, who could talk about where we were on social media anytime between sex. 

I went down to the bus to get my things, then unpacked in the room and fell on the bed. As I stared at the ceiling in the light of the bedside lamp, I realized that this was not going to be good. If I want to quiet my thoughts, I have to go somewhere much louder. I sat up and took out my phone, then opened the messages. The place where the others boarded was barely ten minutes away from the hotel. So much walking can't hurt. I unzipped my suitcase and looked for my denim jacket, then I checked that I had my wallet, ID and mobile, cigarette with lighter, complete with the room card. Don't go anywhere, ten minutes and I'll be there - I wrote to the shared chat, and I was already out the door, trying to gather my hair into a messy bun on top of my head.

[aurorafables]

From the Grey, Chapter 9.

When he entered the room I was in, a wave of happiness washed over me and I immediately smiled like a moonshine. Smelling him when he leaned over to whisper something in my ear gave me goosebumps… And when I saw him changing before or after the show, I couldn't turn away and my face burned when he caught me.

Hey! The summer is almost over, I hope you had a nice one :) Wish you a pleasant read on the new chapter. 😊 Let me know what you think about the story.

Pairing: Noah Sebastian X Nicholas Ruffilo

Warnings: 18+, Explicit, Angst, Past character death, Suicidal thoughts

Tags: M/M, M/F, Slow burn, Childhood friends, Friends to lovers, Family drama, Band fic, Masturbation, Accidental Voyeurism, P in v sex

Word Count: 4.1k

Cross-posted: AO3

9.

The next day was hell. Plus, it was just so hot that while we were drying on the sun in the middle of the fucking desert, I felt like I was burning in the fires of hell. There were so many people everywhere I looked, and the noise just added to my starting headache. I wiped the sweat dripping down my temple with the palm of my hand as Maya continued to drag me around the amusement park. She was about to talk me into the third roller coaster when I decided enough was enough. “This is not a good idea,” I shook my head and stopped next to the line where she wanted to enter. “I don't feel well, I'd rather sit somewhere cool.” “Nick, stop ruining the party!” she said to me disapprovingly, as if I were a child.

“It's hot, I'm thirsty and I want to rest a little. If I go with you, I'll probably throw up my breakfast.” Maya looked at me as if I had already thrown up on my white t-shirt. “Do you want me to go alone?” “I don't want to, but I feel like it's not my decision.” She couldn't believe I was feeling bad, I could see the accusation in her eyes. And I was tired of proving it to her, so I turned around. Maya didn't come with me, she got in line and I felt her disapproving gaze on the back of my head as I walked away. I went into the nearest cafeteria, and after sitting down in the air-conditioned room, I finally breathed a sigh of relief. The highlight of my day was when I saw that they were selling ice cream sundaes, so as soon as the server came over, I ordered a banana sundae and a bottle of water. My phone vibrated on the table so I picked it up and looked at it. I thought Maya wrote, but Folio sent a picture to the band group of them spending the day by the pool with the boys. I smiled when I saw Jolly and Noah shooting Steven with water pistols in the background. I was a little jealous that I couldn't be there, because it was clear how much fun they were having. I too would have liked to splash in the pool in this unbearable heat, but when my ice cream cup arrived, I made peace with the situation a little. Even though I couldn't know what mood Maya would be in.

Barely five minutes passed when two arms wrapped around me from behind and soft lips were pressed against my neck. I took a deep breath, smiled and kissed my girlfriend's arm. "I'm sorry for being so stupid," she said as she walked around me and sat down across from me. “I just… I want to take advantage of the little time I can spend with you alone.” Again the explanation, the fluttering of the eyelashes, the sweet voice and the flirtatious look. I looked down at the remains of my half-melted ice cream and a pained smile spread across my face. “I respect that you can apologize. Really, it's a huge thing, not many people are able to do it,” I looked up at him and looked into her dark eyes. “But it would be even better if we didn't get to the point where an apology was necessary.” I thought this would be the end of this argument and we could both finally enjoy the day, but Maya surprised me. I saw her face darken, her delicate doll features disappear, replaced by bitterness and anger. "You don't know what it's like to sit at home while you're on the other side of the world with the person who's just waiting for the opportunity to take you away from me," she said in a choked voice. I blinked and when I opened my mouth to speak, no sound came out. My throat tightened and I could hear my heart pounding in my ears. "You don't have to say anything," she shook her head. “I don't want to force you into a situation where you have to lie to me.“ Maya opened the small menu with the ice creams and looked up smiling. “I will order a Chocolate Heaven.”

When Maya flew back to Virginia, I chewed on her words for days. After the concert, I took a shower, washed my hair in the venue's bathroom, and then changed into a comfortable sweater and went to the parking lot. The others were playing video games at the front of the bus, and I was lying on my narrow bed in the back, staring at the ceiling, which was uncomfortably close. Sometimes it felt like it was trying to squeeze me. It's unbelievable how much I was blabbing to Noah about how bad his ex was affecting him when something similar happened to me and Maya in the meantime. At some point, we started hurting each other under the guise of love, and I had no idea if there was a way out of this contagion. And if that wasn't complicated enough… there was Noah. We have become as close again as we were during his bad time a few years ago when he needed help. Maybe even closer than in the old days, when there was no one but him and me and the tattoo salon where we worked. I was happy that the distance had turned into the opposite, but at the same time I didn't really know what to do with the emotions that were swirling inside me unstoppably. It felt too good to hug him. If I lost sight of him even for a moment, my gaze was already looking for him everywhere. When he entered the room I was in, a wave of happiness washed over me and I immediately smiled like a moonshine. Smelling him when he leaned over to whisper something in my ear gave me goosebumps… And when I saw him changing before or after the show, I couldn't turn away and my face burned when he caught me.

I couldn't believe that a man could have such a great influence on me. It was unbelievable that my best friend, who I've known for so long, has such an effect on me. I picked up my cell phone, looked for my earphones under the pillow, and did something I'm not really used to. I opened a video sharing site and searched for our band. I started a video from the audience and tried to focus on Noah. I wanted to know what people were seeing from the outside… where the huge interest that was growing around him was coming from. Why the messages and comments he gets are getting more and more starved. I tried to look like I was an outsider, like I didn't know him since he was a child. I also tried to abstract from the fact that I was always attracted to women. When I heard the opening notes of The Death Of Peace Of Mind and the red spotlights started flashing, my fingers moved almost on their own to catch the notes, I had the lyrics in my head, and then I reminded myself that I wasn't the bass player of the band anymore, just a viewer. Then Noah appeared in his faux leather shoes, his fabric jacket, his only glove, and began to sing as if he were a siren from the depths of the endless turquoise ocean.

I made another mistake, thought I could change Thought I could make it out Promises break, need to hear you say You're gonna keep it now

I miss the way you say my name The way you bend, the way you break Your makeup running down your face The way you touch, the way you taste

When the curtains call the time Will we both go home alive? It wasn't hard to realize Love's the death of peace of mind

You're in the walls that I made with crosses and frames Hanging upside down For granted, in vain, I took everything I never cared about

Folio also joined the drums. A few seconds later, we also appeared with Jolly, and Noah continued to do what he does best: charming the audience with his voice and his delicate movements.

I miss the way you say my name The way you bend, the way you break Your makeup running down your face The way you fuck, the way you taste

I don't know if there's a more desirable way to pronounce the word "fuck" than he did. I rewinded to that part three times and felt like a perverted lunatic. I've heard him sing countless times. I've heard this song at least a million times, and Noah swears at least twice as many times. What was different now? Why was this all so…addictive?

You come and go in waves Leaving me in your wake You come and go in waves Swallowing everything

Noah and I finally dove under the waves as my arms got goosebumps and I had to swallow. Noah raised his arms high and clenched his gloved hands into fists as his entire posture tensed as if the ethereal being he had been had suddenly turned into a destroyer. After all… no one claimed sirens were friendly. There was no more need for seduction and magic, he had everyone in his grip, it was time to show his true self.

Are you satisfied? Love's the death of peace of mind Mind, mind

I smiled and mouthed the lyrics, which were much more humming than singing, but I didn't have time to listen to the song any longer, because someone pulled the curtain of my bed and I was so startled that my phone fell on my chest, and then on the bed next to me. Jolly watched with a grin as I grabbed the earpiece and suddenly tried to sit up, which resulted in my forehead hitting the bottom of the bed above me. “Ouch” I pressed my palm on my head. “Did you watch porn?” he asked laughing, as if my misfortune was the funniest thing in the world. Then he noticed my phone next to my thigh, on the screen of which we were still playing, and he looked at me confused. “Everybody has a secret fetish, right?” “What do you want?” I asked, not at all kindly, while stopping the video. “And why did you snap at me like that?” “I said your name, but you didn't react.” Jolly raised his hand defensively. “I wanted to know if you were still alive.” Soon Noah appeared by my bed, followed by Folio. Like they're disaster tourists, seriously…

“What happened?” Noah asked worriedly as he looked over at me. “Do you still have a headache?” “More precisely, again, because I managed to hit my head with your bed,” I answered with a grunt, then I hung my legs and leaned out into the corridor. “I think he will survive,” Folio turned to Jolly and began to pull him back to the game console by the arm. “Noah gives him a healing kiss, he's out of the game anyway,” he added with a grin, before they closed the door separating the bed area behind them. So I didn't have a chance to speak up to them, but I still held up my middle finger towards the closed door. Noah watched the scene with a smile, then sat down next to me. He was wearing the star shorts that he loved so much, but the material had worn out and looked gray instead of black. I remembered that on the previous tour he had to sew it up because it tore, but he pricked his finger once during the process and he was whining as if he was not tattooed from head to toe. I smiled at the memory, to which he turned to me with curious, dark eyes. “What is it?” “It's unbelievable how much you can stick to your old things, “ I poked his thigh with my finger. “You know, you're already a famous rockstar, you could definitely afford a new pair of pants.” "These are my tour shorts," he declared with a comical frown. “Don't make mean comments about it, please. By the way, if I'm already famous, should I change my friends too?” he nudged my arm now. “The whole band,” I nodded with feigned seriousness. “And of course the crew members as well.” “And you're still Steven's favorite?!” Noah asked indignantly. “Or maybe I just have the most innocent look,” I looked at him, blinking slowly, fluttering my eyelashes. The playful grin disappeared from Noah's face and was replaced by a half-hearted smile. “Josh said it's half an hour and we're leaving. I thought you were happy to go out for a cigarette break before bed.”

“So I'm not so angry anymore because Jolly was startling me,” I said while leaning back, turned on the small lamp, and tried to dig out the lighter and the pack of cigarettes from the pocket of my hoodie thrown at the end of the bed. Noah leaned back too, propped up on his forearms, and as I stretched to reach for the stuff, our faces were suddenly very close. I grinned in confusion and tried to retreat to my own space with the cigarette already in hand, but Noah's fingers slid into my damp hair at the back of my head. I felt his hot breath on my skin, while I didn't even dare to breathe. It took a while for me to find him staring at my forehead. He smoothed a strand of hair from my face and I felt his fingers burn. "It's not look dangerous, but a therapeutic kiss never hurts," he said softly, and then looked at me questioningly, as if waiting for permission. When did we need permission to kiss each other innocently? “So what are we waiting for?”

Noah leaned down and I automatically closed my eyes as his soft lips touched my forehead. I felt him smile before he leaned away from me. His eyes glinted mischievously in the half-light. “I lied. The wound actually looked terrible.” “Ahh, I knew that my brain was showing a little too,” I went into the game with feigned seriousness. “Exactly. Completely crushed.” “At least as much as a pumpkin-flavored baby food,” I nodded. Noah burst out laughing and could hardly continue what he was saying: “But the point is that thanks to my healing kiss, everything is fine now.” “I have no idea what would happen to me without you.” Noah shrugged and stood up from the bed, looking back at me for a moment. “You should probably go out for a smoke now, alone, with a mushy brain.” I found my glasses, grabbed my jacket, and followed him as if I were his shadow. "Love's the death of peace of mind" . I have never felt the lyrics so related.

“There's something wrong, isn't it?” Noah asked a few days later in an unexpected moment when we were walking back to the bus with coffees in hand. “I see you chewing on something.” I shook my head in disbelief. How could I have thought I could hide my feelings from him? “I'm considering breaking up with Maya,” I blurted out what I hadn't really admitted even to myself. Noah's jaw tightened and he stared off into the distance. “It's not good for either of us to be apart a lot, and… and anyway, I don't feel the way I used to.” “I thought you solved what you talked about in the summer,” Noah said after a little silence. I wanted to know what he was really thinking, because his face and voice were completely unrecognizable, but he didn't stop, he kept walking on his long legs, and I followed him down the sidewalk. “For a while it seemed so.” “When we were in Vegas, you were like a honeymoon couple.” “Maybe it looked like it from the outside, but in fact…” Noah stopped in front of me and I bumped into his elbow and almost spilled Folio's latte on him. He turned to me and took a deep breath.

“Nick, you and Maya have been together for almost a year now. I'm sure you can discuss it. You shouldn't make such a hasty decision.” I furrowed my brows because I wasn't expecting that. Honestly, I have no idea what, but maybe Noah will be… a little bit happy about the news? I snorted and shook my head. My reaction spoke to both my own naivety and his instructive tone. “Thanks for the support,” I said with a bitter taste in my mouth, then I continued on my way. Noah, of course, took a big step forward. “Hey, I just…” “You just what?!” I stopped and turned towards him. Noah lowered his eyes and thin lines appeared on his forehead. People grunted and avoided us as we stood there with paper coffee cups in our hands. The monotonous sound of the street was broken by the siren of a passing police car as I waited for Noah to continue. “Tell me that I'm not the reason,” he begged, looking into my eyes, when the police car drove away. “Please. The last thing I want is to ruin something good in your life.” I hated that our hands were full of coffee cups when I wanted nothing more than to touch him. It was unbelievable how wrong Maya was about him, and I would have liked to rub it under her nose, but what would be the point? I stepped to the side of one of the buildings to get out of the chaos, and Noah followed me as if we were connected by an invisible cord. He stared at the ground again and nervously shifted from one foot to the other. “There's only one reason for it all: I don't love her anymore, as heartless as it sounds,” I admitted, and I was actually a little ashamed of it, but I knew that's how it works. I simply couldn't find my other half, my soulmate in her. "We're going home next week," Noah said. “I'm just asking you not to break up with her in a message. Maybe you can still talk.” I didn't believe it, but I nodded at Noah's request. He smiled, but I could see a thousand thoughts running through his mind. I wanted to untangle it all and decipher it, but maybe I should have sorted it out in my own head first.

Maya ended up making my plan impossible. She went away with her friend, so we hardly had time to sit down and talk together, even though I spent more than two weeks at home. It's not like I minded being with my parents and siblings, but I was getting more tense every day because I couldn't see her. At one dinner, I even yelled at Danielle because the ketchup she wanted to put on her plate got splattered on my shirt. So I was not surprised that after finishing the meal, she followed me to my room without question, where I slept while I was with them. “What the hell is wrong with you?” she pushed my shoulder. She knelt on the floor and reached under the bed, where retrieved two cans of beer. I looked at her approvingly. “Mom would be freaked out if the little ones found it.” "They didn't find it, and now we're going to drink it so they can't find it later," she winked at me. "I left it here last time I slept in this room," she said, then plopped down on the bed, handed me one of the beers, and pulled the covers over us. I tilted my head to the side and smiled. Pleasant memories of our childhood flashed for a moment. Danielle and I were barely two years apart in age, so it's not surprising how well we got along. I sat down next to her and I also hid under the blanket. I didn't know where to start. I didn't even know how much I wanted to tell her, but I thought it would definitely be good to pour my soul out to an outsider who is still a very important part of my life.

"It's all a bit confusing right now," I began with a frown as I pulled my knees up and rested my chin on them. Danni waited patiently for me to continue. “Maya and I… it's not working between us anymore.” I expected Danielle to be surprised, freaked out, but I was wrong. I turned to the side and waited for her reaction. Her face showed that she was thinking about what she just heard. "I already saw on you that there was a problem in the summer," she finally said with a sigh, explaining why my announcement did not come as a surprise. “I wanted to talk to her, but then she left with his friend, and I don't want to ruin her vacation, so I'll wait.” Danni sighed and rested her head on my shoulder. “I could have guessed, because I know you too well.. But there are situations where you have to put yourself before others, Nicky.” I would have been angry at her for trying to educate me, but her voice was full of concern and care. “I can't break up with her over the phone.” “If there is no other solution, maybe you can do it anyway… but I understand why you say that. Is there anything else?” she looked up at me with big, curious eyes. I opened my mouth, then closed it. After that I tried again because there were few people I trusted and Danielle was one of them. “There is someone… who is completely confusing me.” “Confusing you? What do you mean by that?” “I don't know what this somebody wants. Which is strange, because I know this person well… maybe even better than I know myself.” Danni lifted her head from my shoulder and we locked eyes for long seconds. I was the one who gave up first, brushing my hair back in confusion. Have I revealed too much? How transparent can I be about who I'm talking about?

“Let's approach the problem from the other side,” she said finally. “What do you want?” “Now that's totally…” “Nicholas! Don't say it's unimportant!” she said to me fiercely. “You are not in this world to please others.” She was right, but I still looked at her a little grumpily. I sighed dramatically, then closed my eyes for a moment. “Let go of what others want. Just let it go. Come on, you can do it!” "I want everything this person wants," I said as I opened my eyes. "Even though I don't know what it is," I laughed at how stupid everything I was saying sounded, but Danni still looked at me seriously. "That makes no sense," I muttered in defeat and took a sip of the beer. “Not true. What you say makes a lot of sense,” she declared with a small smile. “And if you think about it, I think you too will realize what this means.” I bit my lip and finally tried to get my head straight. It took Danielle's patience and encouragement to even try to understand the feelings and thoughts accumulated in me. And what I found inside… made me both happy and desperate. “Okay. But how much ahead will I be when I find out? What should I do anyway? There is also the small thing that I don't want to let go of what is between us right now with this person. I'm afraid I might lose everything,” I admitted, poking my fingers nervously.

“You get much further if you admit your feelings to yourself. And what should you do? I think you know exactly that, since you just said it. That's how we started the whole conversation,” Danielle shrugged, then leaned in and planted a kiss on my cheek. “Focus on one problem at a time.” She got up from the bed and headed for the door. “Will you come over to my apartment tomorrow? I have a date tomorrow evening and I need some advice on what to wear.” I rolled my eyes, but of course there was no question that I would be there. I usually couldn't give much advice, but I was happy to give my opinion if she showed me a set, and anyway… We both benefited from each other's company. I needed a little break from my own thoughts, and there couldn't have been a better option than spending the afternoon with Danielle. I froze the other topics for a while.

[aurorafables]

From the Grey, Chapter 8.

“Your girlfriend is having fun with your teenage photos,” Noah looked up at me when I stopped next to them. His face reflected confusion, hiding the question why I gave the photos to Maya. “Okay, there's nothing to see here.” I tried to take the photos out of Maya's hand, but she chuckled and pulled them away and continued flipping through the stack. In most of the photos, I was with my friends, but at least in every second photo we posed together with Noah. Making funny faces, hugging each other, snuggled together, lying next to each other in the room and the bed we shared for months…

Hey everybody! I hope you have a fantastic summer so far. 🌞 So in this chapter the things get even more complicated with the arriving of Maya. 🤯 I hope you will like it 😊

Pairing: Noah Sebastian X Nicholas Ruffilo

Warnings: 18+, Explicit, Angst, Past character death, Suicidal thoughts

Tags: M/M, M/F, Slow burn, Childhood friends, Friends to lovers, Family drama, Band fic, Masturbation, Accidental Voyeurism, P in v sex

Word Count: 4.9k

Cross-posted: AO3

8.

The tour started soon, and Noah already began planning the winter tour on the first day on the road, on which we will perform as the headliner band. Between two concerts, they talked with Matt for hours, and I could see that he was enthusiastic and full of ideas, but he was getting more and more tired. He refused to go out drinking with the guys in the evenings, citing that alcohol is not good for his vocal cords, and he didn't bother to play video games either. He spent most of his days on the bus or in the hotel room, showing up for rehearsals and right before the shows, but other than that we hardly saw him. He gave his best every night, after he said goodbye to us dead tired and we didn't even want to ask if he was going to the city with us, because it seemed much more important that he could rest as much as possible.

We had just checked into our hotel rooms in Vegas after rehearsal, and as soon as I dropped my things on the floor, my legs took me to Noah's room. I heard his room number at the reception, he was only two doors away, so I didn't have to go far. I knocked on his door and a few seconds later he opened it in comfortable clothes, a shirt and a pair of shorts. He was a little surprised when he saw me. "Oh…" he said thoughtfully, but with a smile on his face. “Oh?” I asked with raised eyebrows and crossed my arms in front of my chest. “You weren't expecting me, were you?” He shook his head laughing and opened the door for me. “I ordered food a few minutes ago, I thought it was already brought," he explained, and after closing the door, he climbed onto the bed next to me and leaned against the headrest. Crossing his long legs at the ankles, he pulled the laptop onto his thigh, put on his glasses, and studied the monitor. “I'm trying to put together intros for the winter tour.”

“Um…” I nodded thoughtfully. I sat next to him, I also stretched my legs comfortably and let my upper arms and shoulders press against his. “You know, sometimes you can come out to have a dinner with us, ”I told him cautiously, because I didn't want to lecture him, just hint that we missed his company. Noah gave me a sideways glance, then took off his glasses and rubbed his eyes. “The past few days have made me a bit… tired,” he admitted, which I could already see in him. “But I feel I have to move on with things. You heard what Matt said. Our popularity has skyrocketed again… and it's sick, Nick.” At the last sentence, he smiled widely, and his eyes shone with pride. “But at the same time, you feel that the pressure is also greater on you,” I added quietly, because maybe not as much as him, but I also felt the change on my own skin. Noah turned back to the laptop and shrugged. “I don't just feel it. It's happening.” I couldn't and didn't want to argue with that. The room service chose this moment to knock, and since I was sitting closer to the door, I already jumped to open it. I thanked for bringing the food up and sat back on the bed with Noah's hamburger and fries. He opened the paper box of the burger and immediately handed it to me, but I shook my head. Nevertheless, I stole a few from the fries, and while we ate, I watched him work. Everything was calm and quiet, it reminded me a little of the days spent together by the lake, which I missed just a week later. The food was slowly running out, and Noah was spinning less and less. When I looked at him, I saw that he could barely keep his eyes open. I glanced at the clock. “I let you rest. I have to go to the airport for Maya soon.” Noah saved his work, then closed the laptop and placed it on the nightstand.

“Will you stay here as long as possible?” he asked with apologetic eyes when I was about to leave, but he turned away from me right after. “I'll probably fall asleep soon because… lately the nightmares have returned and my nights are terrible. It would calm me down if I wasn't alone, at least until I fell asleep.” I could see he was embarrassed as he ran his hand through his hair as a side activity and avoided my eyes. “Why didn't you tell me about it?” I asked worriedly and immediately jumped back on the bed. “I've been seeing you for days that you're tired, but I thought it was just because of the tour.” “Nick, I'm an adult,” he answered with a confused smile while biting his lip. “I have to solve my own problems. I can't keep shoving them down your neck.” "But I want to help," I said desperately. I sat down across from him and said the words slowly because I wanted him to understand and remember them next time. “You are important to me, and I only feel good when you are good too. Your problems are a little bit mine… What's mine is yours. And the reverse is also true,” I recalled the phrase we had been saying to each other for so long. Noah shook his head with a smile, then his eyes wandered to the bed covers and he sighed softly. He looked up at me from under his eyelashes as he spoke. “You know what? I'm so lucky to have you here for me.” At first a silly smile appeared on my face. Starting at my neck, I felt the heat, and I was really grateful to my complexion for keeping my blush a secret. "You're really lucky, but…damn, you always find a way to embarrass me," I said with a smile, fiddling with the seam of my pants. "I'm not even forcing myself," Noah answered impudently, but I was glad that his eyes were sparkling again. He lay down on the bed, pulled the pillow under his head and turned on his side to face me. “Can we listen to that song like we used to?” I didn't have to ask back, I knew immediately what he meant. I took my phone out of my jeans pocket, searched Spotify for As Cities Burn, and handed him one of my wireless earbuds. He smiled at me gratefully.

Hearts aren't really our guides. We are truly alone. 'Cause God ain't up in the sky, Holding together our bones.

As the sounds and words filled our thoughts, banishing all other distractions, Noah's eyes slowly closed, his breathing evened out, and his face completely relaxed. The magic still worked with the song, it took about five minutes and he was already asleep. It was like white noise to a baby. I watched for at least half an hour, watching every movement on his face, but then I had no other choice, I had to go. Before that, I took Noah's cell phone in my hands and set an alarm so that he still had plenty of time to get ready before showtime, then one last look at the still sleeping figure and I stepped out into the hotel corridor.

The show that night went exceptionally well. Noah looked fresher, he communicated much more with the audience, which of course everyone loved, and I kept looking for Maya's face in the audience with a big smile. At the airport, when we hugged each other, her familiar scent crept into my nose, and all I could think was that now everything was falling into place. I have my girlfriend with me, Noah is visibly better, the band is flying and the faces of the fans are shining. I tried to banish to the back of my mind the last, depressingly suffocating days we spent with Maya two weeks ago, as well as our lake trip with Noah, and it was in my mind that next time I should take Maya with me to the lake. Noah would certainly have no objection to it, they had gotten along well before. We went off the stage, high with adrenaline, and almost immediately I was in Maya's arms. I adjusted the guitar to the side so it wasn't in the way, and as she stood on her tiptoes to kiss me, I put my palm on her waist to hold her a little. I felt the alcohol on her lips and realized I could use a cold beer too. We walked hand in hand backstage so I could put the instrument to safety. My hair was sticking together at the nape of my neck from the sweat, so the first thing I did was put it in a bun on top of my head, then I turned back to Maya.

“I saw you had a good time.” “Just like you up there,” she leaned her head on my chest. We stood there for a while, hugging each other, talking quietly while the others got busy, and after a while Jolly came up to us. “So, the others and I thought that a little night time swim in the hotel pool, accompanied by some alcohol, would be damn good. If you want, and really only then… of course, I also understand if you prefer to lock yourself in the room and not come out until tomorrow noon…” - Folio laughed and Noah smiled as he changed his shoes while sitting on the sofa, and I rolled my eyes “but if you do, we are waiting for you.” I turned to my girlfriend and kissed her forehead softly. “You decide,” I whispered in her ear. I promised that we would be alone while she was there, and I didn't want to break that, unless she planned otherwise. Maya nodded at the idea almost immediately. “I'm getting ready, a little swimming sounds great,” she looked up at me, blinking sweetly. And so our evening program was already decided.

Maya went ahead to the boys while I freshened up a bit in our room and grabbed a pair of swim trunks and a towel. When I got down to the outdoor pool, the smell of pizza greeted me. Whoever ordered it, I was terribly grateful. My stomach grumbled hungrily at the delicious smell, but I didn't go to the table because I noticed that Maya and Noah were sitting next to each other on a sunbed and were laughing a lot at something, so I headed towards them first. Next to both of them is a huge glass of cocktail with a colorful straw and small paper umbrellas. Matt arranged for the pool and bar to be opened just for us. In the last couple of months, I started to feel the positive sides of fame and money, but I knew very well that the imaginary balance would be completely balanced with the dark side. Maya was looking at polaroid photos and I immediately remembered that these were the photos that Noah had found in his closet when we were in their house before the tour and had given them to me. Maya probably found them in my bag.

“Your girlfriend is having fun with your teenage photos,” Noah looked up at me when I stopped next to them. His face reflected confusion, hiding the question why I gave the photos to Maya. “Okay, there's nothing to see here.” I tried to take the photos out of Maya's hand, but she chuckled and pulled them away and continued flipping through the stack. In most of the photos, I was with my friends, but at least in every second photo we posed together with Noah. Making funny faces, hugging each other, snuggled together, lying next to each other in the room and the bed we shared for months… In one of the photos, I was standing next to his neck, and it's possible neither of us was sober, but an unpleasant feeling came over me. Noah moved to the adjacent sunbed, so I sat next to Maya and tried to take the photos again. It felt weird and I didn't want her to watch them anymore, but what was even weirder… I felt like certain moments caught in the photos were just for me and my best friend.

“What's wrong with you? You guys were so sweet!” Maya burst out laughing. To her loud laughter, Jolly also climbed out of the pool and stood behind us staring at what was so interesting. “Hey, the water is dripping from your hair on my back!” I said nervously to the Swede, for which he just shook his head like a dog. "Someone is very grumpy today," he said with a soft chuckle after I held up my middle finger to him. Finally she got to the polaroids that were taken at house parties, there were a lot of us, and I thought I could breathe a sigh of relief. But in the next picture, a girl was sitting half on my lap on the sofa, we were kissing at the party, obliviously forgetting about the world around us, and Noah was staring at us from behind not far from, glass in his hand, half lost in the darkness. My hands were gripping her bottom and probably neither of us knew we were being photographed.

‘Who is she?” Maya asked, holding the straw between her lips. "Anne, a mutual friend of ours…" I told her. Noah also noticed the name. He turned his head to the side and we looked at each other for a moment. “Friend, huh?” Maya pushed me with her elbow. “We drank a lot at that party and… we were together for about two weeks,” I answered defensively. "I like her hair," said Maya, stroking the picture along Anna's long, red hair. "But I see, you weren't the only one who was crazy about the girl," he added, glancing up at Noah, who was staring at the photo pointed at him with wide eyes, as if he too was surprised that it was among the others. “It's a good thing that the little affair didn't ruin your friendship.” "Yeah, luckily…" I muttered as I looked at Noah's sad face in the picture. Then I looked up at him and tried to figure out what had changed and what had stayed the same. He clenched his jaw and stared ahead as I studied his face. I compared him to the barely eighteen-year-old boy in the picture. His childhood charm had meanwhile turned into something dangerous, his hair had since become much shorter, but his eyes, those dark eyes, shone with the same desperation as in the photo, when he noticed that I was paying attention and our eyes met. He looked away scared, as if I had caught him on something. Meanwhile, Maya put the photos down and reached for her drink, and Jolly cleared his throat behind us. I completely forgot that he was there.

“Starving. I think we should hit the pizza before Matt and Folio gobble it up, guys,” he said, as if sensing the growing tension between the three of us. I glanced at him gratefully and even forced a smile. "Great idea," I said, smoothing my palm over Maya's bare thigh. “Shall I bring you some too?” “I already ate,” she answered, while carefully putting the pictures back in the envelope. Jolly and I went to the pizza boxes on the table, and as soon as I took a slice, I folded it in half and started eating. I didn't even taste it, I just chewed, then swallowed the bite, and in the meantime I looked at the two terribly important people for me out of the corner of my eye. They were no longer talking, just sipping their cocktails and staring at the pool. I wanted to know so badly what was going through their minds. Noah seemed a little withdrawn because of the photos, and Maya… Maya seemed completely unrecognizable.

“Cheers!” Folio pressed a glass into my hand when I ate the slice of pizza, and he immediately toasted his own glass to mine. I could see that he was no longer thirsty, and he immediately headed towards Noah's to offer them too… more precisely, to push the drink into their hands. Without thinking, Noah pulled it off and rinsed it with the cocktail, and Maya placed it on the small table next to her. I went back to my girlfriend and put my drink down next to hers. I didn't want to drink it, I felt like all control would slip out of my hands if I did. I refused to think about what I was really afraid of. Maya and Noah joined Jolly in the pool, and I sat on the sunbed watching them. I lit a cigarette and went deep into my thoughts. I was too tired after the concert and honestly, I just wanted to hug my girlfriend and sleep without having to set an alarm. But Maya clearly had other plans. She climbed out of the water like a goddess, and I just caught Jolly's gaze as he peeked at my girlfriend's bum. I couldn't be angry with him for a minute, I just smiled to myself, because I was never the jealous type, and the boys were like my brothers. Maya picked up her towel, spread it over herself, and sat behind me on the bed, resting her chin on my shoulder. I got goosebumps as her wet bikini bra pressed against my back, but I didn't complain for a minute. It was enough to make me forget how tired I was and remind me that we hadn't been together in over two weeks.

“I'm glad to be here with you,” she whispered as she snuggled up to me. I turned to the side and kissed her. I smoothed one palm over her leg and squeezed it possessively, holding her neck with the other and pulled her closer to me. My fingers massaged the back of her head and as she covered me with the big towel, things started to get hotter and hotter. Maya's small hands caressed my stomach, which was soon replaced by claws, and then her fingers traveled all the way to my swimming trunks. As we continued to kiss and Maya was almost sitting on my lap, I opened my eyes to see Folio slumped over on a bed far away, Noah and Jolly still in the pool and Matt going up to his room after pizza to call his girlfriend. . In principle, they couldn't see us, but… When she pressed her hand through the pants to my erection, I couldn't help but let out a soft moan, and it made me realize that we should definitely be alone. “Let's continue this in our room, okay?” I asked out of breath when I pushed my girlfriend away from me so that we could get some air. It was sweet how her wet, waist-length hair stuck together in strands, her chocolate brown eyes sparkled a little more from the alcohol, and her lips reddened from the kiss. She was sweet and fucking sexy. "Okay," she said slowly as she climbed off the sunbed and held out her hand to me, which I immediately accepted. We quickly cut through the corridor to the elevator, where we fell into each other again. I pressed her against the wall of the elevator, grabbed her bottom, and she dug her fingers into my hair. She didn't seem to notice when the door swung open with a tinkling sound. I smiled into the kiss, then reluctantly took a step back and dragged her towards our room.

“I'm going to make the bed wet with my hair,” she complained, as we entered the room completely tangled, tripping over each other's feet. “I have an idea,” I told her between two hungry kisses. I fell on the bed first, and when I pulled her on top of me, she understood what I wanted. We smiled at each other and the smile was soon replaced by a moan as she sat on my hip. I freed her breasts from her bikini top, but we were both impatient to take off our bottoms. Her skin cooled in the pool, I could feel it as I stroked her thighs, but when I pulled the bikini bottom to the side and my finger traveled the familiar terrain between her legs, the heat at her entrance completely blew my mind. I raised my hips, pushed my pants down a little, smoothed my palm on her waist, and the next moment I was inside. When she started to move, I felt all the tension slowly leave me and I was sure that everything was going to be alright.

It was almost three in the morning and even then I couldn't fall asleep. Maya was lying on my chest cooing sweetly, her hair still wet but her cold bikini no longer on. I replayed the events of the evening in my head, because something didn't let me rest. Noah's face as we were looking at the polaroids… and what was on my mind finally popped in. I completely forgot about the photos and left them downstairs by the pool. I would have jumped up immediately, but I didn't want to wake Maya, so I carefully slipped out of her embrace and placed a pillow under her head instead of my shoulder. She whimpered a little and turned over to her other side, but it seemed I had succeeded. I put my swimming trunks back on and headed for the stairs because I didn't want to run into anyone at the elevator. I thought I wouldn't find anyone at the pool this late, but I was wrong. Jolly was sitting on the sun lounger with his legs crossed at the ankles playing something on his phone when I arrived. He looked up at me sleepily, then grinned. “You don't need to rub it under my nose that a sexy girl is lying in your bed,” he told me. I frowned, not really understanding what he meant. “I came for the photos. I forgot them downstairs.” "Oh, the photos," he nodded, then focused on his phone again. I looked towards the pool and only then saw Noah. “What is he doing? Has he been in the water since then?” Jolly looked up at me again, then shrugged. “He was out when his glass needed to be refilled. I think he's playing Patrick from SpongeBob right now.”

I picked up the pack of cigarettes and an ashtray I had left by the sunbeds, then headed towards the water, keeping an eye on Noah the whole time. He lay on the surface of the water like a giant starfish, all legs and arms in every direction. He didn't even notice I was there, he was staring at the sky and his ear was under the water. I sat down on the edge of the pool, dangled my feet in the water, and waited patiently. I didn’t have to wait much, because he sensed almost immediately that I had disturbed the otherwise mirror-smooth water surface. “Are you back?“ he asked as he swam out next to me with two arm movements. His voice was a little halting, his movements hesitant. “Left the photos here,” I answered him. Noah nodded and held onto the edge of the pool with his hands. “Why did you want her to see them?” he asked me. Part of me was glad he brought it up, because I wanted to tell him the truth, but another part of me… would have run away from the conversation. “I didn't want to,” I said honestly as I lit the cigarette. “She probably found them in my bag.” After a moment of thought, he nodded again. “Does it bother you that Maya found it?” This was a much more complex question, so we stared at each other for a while. Then Noah raised one eyebrow defiantly and smiled a little.

"You don't have to answer if you don't want to," he said, and I immediately shook my head. “It's not about that, it's just… I don't know how to explain it.” "You don't owe me an explanation," he remarked softly. He brushed his hair back with a slightly angry motion, because a wet strand kept hanging in his eyes. “But I would like to say that I did not know that there was that photo with Anne.” “Me neither…,” I answered after taking a deep drag from the cigarette. “No problem. Maya obviously knows that I had a life and a girlfriend before her, and she takes it easy,” I shrugged. Noah's eyes lost all amusement for a moment as he looked up at me and took a big gulp. Then he pushed himself away from the edge of the pool. “What are you doing here anyway?” I asked, because I desperately wanted to be able to talk some more. “I stare at the stars.” I looked up and saw nothing but the dull lights that illuminated the sky from below, from the bustling city. I remembered the house by the lake, the night we went out stargazing, and for a moment I felt Noah's hand almost on my hand, his fingers between mine. “There is too much light pollution here.” "If you drink enough, you'll see them," he grinned at me before leaning back and laying on the water. I blew out a puff of smoke and sighed resignedly, then stood up. I grabbed the photos and stopped by Jolly on the way back. “Take care of him so he doesn't drown,” I asked him. There was no trace of joking in my voice. Jolly looked toward the pool, then back at me. “What would the band do without a singer?” Unable to appreciate the joke, I just shook my head and placed my palm on his arm. “If you are tired, let me know and I will come back. If necessary, the two of us can somehow get him out of there.” “Nick, relax,”Jolly looked deeply into my eyes so that I could see that he was also serious. “Go back to Maya, I have everything under control here.” I trusted him. He has helped me so many times that there are no words for it. He was there for me when I was in complete despair about Noah's state of mind. He was the one who hugged me when I came out of Noah's room, and I didn't have the strength to show that I was strong in front of him. I nodded and squeezed his arm before heading inside.

When I got to the door, I opened it with the card and tried to enter as quietly as possible. I can't say I was very successful because Maya immediately started moving under the covers. “Nick?” he asked in a sleepy voice. “I'm here.” I quickly crawled into the bed next to her. “It’s okay.” “Where have you been?” “At the pool. I forgot something there.” Maya turned to me and somehow, even in the dark, I could feel her trying to see into my soul and judge me. “Were you with Noah? Did you forget him there?” Embarrassed, I began to laugh at the absurdity of it. She can't be serious about this. The sleepiness and kindness disappeared from her voice, irony took its place. I wanted to turn on the light to see that it was still my girlfriend in the bed, not someone else I had no idea about. “I didn't go down because of him, but you're right, I talked to him while I smoked a cigarette,” I answered and tried to be calm. It was harder than I thought. Maya waited as if considering things. Like a snake trying to decide whether to strike or retreat to its burrow. Maya suddenly snuggled up and hugged me. "I'm sorry… it was bad to wake up alone," she murmured against my collarbone as I stroked her hair thoughtfully. I was sick of these sudden mood swings and how easily I could slip into the role Maya assigned me. “I'm going to the bathroom,” I pulled away from her, and it's true that my voice was neither angry nor sarcastic. I would rather describe it as soulless.

As she clung to me in vain, I threw her arms off me and stumbled into the bathroom. I turned on the light and leaned against the sink. I was physically sick, needing to take a few deep breaths to keep from throwing up the small slice of pizza I ate. When things got a little better, I looked up at my reflection from under my hair. "Shit," I muttered to myself as I noticed the red scratch marks on my chest and stomach. My tattoos covered it well here and there, but there were parts where they were clearly visible. I straightened up and took a closer look at them. No wonder Jolly spoke up when I went downstairs. It wasn't the first time I looked like this, but it was a twist of fate that I managed to flash them for my friends just now. I've always been proud of the marks Maya left on me, but now all I could think about was what must have been going through Noah's mind when I was showing off at the edge of the pool and preening like an idiot.

[aurorafables]

From the Grey, Chapter 7.

“By the way, I'm Nicholas,” I tried to lighten his mood a little. “My friends usually just call me Nick.”

The boy finally stopped and slowly turned towards me. He brushed his hair away from his face with long, thin fingers, revealing dark eyes, pouty pink lips, and the sweetest nose I'd ever seen.

Hi everyone! Here is a new part of the story with sweet moments between the boys 🥰😊 and some angst from the past.

Have a nice week! 🙂

Pairing: Noah Sebastian X Nicholas Ruffilo

Warnings: 18+, Explicit, Angst, Past character death, Suicidal thoughts

Tags: M/M, M/F, Slow burn, Childhood friends, Friends to lovers, Family drama, Band fic, Masturbation, Accidental Voyeurism

Word Count: 4.4k

Cross-posted: AO3

7.

The next morning we had a small breakfast and packed up before we left. I quickly got rid of the rental car at the nearest drop-off point and we drove most of the way in Noah's car. We listened to music, Noah singing Taylor Swift while drumming his tattooed fingers on the steering wheel, and I watched him sleepily out of the corner of my eye, my head resting on the headrest of the seat. It was especially good that I didn't have to drive much, because I didn't sleep well that night. Although I reassured myself that nothing had happened - and this was also confirmed by the fact that Noah showed the same - negative emotions still swirled in me. Guilt that Maya deserves better than me. I'm afraid one wrong word or touch and I'll lose Noah because there's no attraction worth even risking our friendship for. I started whipping myself over and over when I thought about it. I can't act so stupid, I'm a grown man who has been in a serious relationship for almost eight months now, not a stupid little teenager who has no idea about the world. 

“Everything is alright? You're very quiet today," Noah remarked, turning down the radio, keeping his eyes on the road.

“I slept badly,” I answered in a hoarse, sleepy voice, and at least I didn't lie to him with that.

“We will stop at the next gas station. I'll buy you a coffee,” he promised and smiled kindly at me, which I tried to return.

"I might not be the best company today," I said apologetically.

“You don't have to talk to be good company,” he looked at me sideways from under his sunglasses. "It calms me down when you're near me," he added much more quietly.

I pursed my lips, closed my eyes under my sunglasses, and wished he wouldn't be so nice to me all the time. It was as if his comment had fueled that strange feeling in me, which was pleasant, but I had to suppress it as soon as possible, because it would only cause my loss in the long run. 

After a few minutes we pulled into a gas station parking lot, but Noah didn't get out of the car immediately. He unbuckled his seat belt, took a deep breath, and turned to me.

“I would like to apologize for my behavior yesterday,” he began, which immediately made me pay attention to him, and suddenly the dream escaped my eyes. “My morning wasn't the best, and then…” he shook his head, causing his hair to fall into his eyes “and then Karin called me saying she wanted to meet.”

Oh. I didn't expect him to talk about it, even though I could have learned by now that if I gave him enough time, sooner or later he would pour his heart out.

“What did you say to her?” I asked breathlessly.

“I said it's over. Everything, that was between us.”

My mouth twisted into a proud smile.

“I think you made the right decision. You've already finished it once, there would be no point to continue and hurt each other.”

"Yeah…" he said thoughtfully.

I swallowed the thoughts of how badly the girl had affected him, and that he could find a thousand better women than her if he wanted to, because I really didn't really know what kind of mental state he was in, and I felt that it would not be constructive at that moment. 

“If you want to talk about this or anything else, I will be happy to listen to you at any time,”I said instead of my judgmental thoughts. Noah's grateful look made it worth it.

“Thank you. I don't know how to thank you for caring so much about me.”

“For a start a big cappuccino will do,” I joked with him to lighten both of our melancholic moods. Noah smiled but still didn't go. I could see he wanted to speak about something else.

“About what happened in the afternoon… I think it's also due to my fucked up mood.”

I blinked a few times and remembered our conversation two days before when we slept in the same room after stargazing and Noah apologized even then, though he didn't say exactly why. I felt that it would be no different now, but something told me that it would be better for both of us if I didn't mess this up. Besides, I felt equally responsible.

"Yesterday afternoon was particularly good," I said honestly, because no matter how messed up the ending was, we laughed and talked a lot before it, everything was almost the same as before.

Noah pushed his sunglasses on top of his head and scanned my face.

“So isn't that why you're in a bad mood?”

I'm in a bad mood because we almost kissed in the lake, completely attached to each other's bodies? Because I almost cheated on my girlfriend with my best friend? Or because I loved every minute when our bodies touched? Is the reason for this messed up mood that I get into the room, half lying on the floor, because my cock was throbbing so much after hearing his moans that I didn't even have the opportunity to sit on the bed? Or because of all the fucking sexy things my brain was creating and he was the main character in all of them? I have no idea what exactly the question was about.

“I'm tired, I could sleep here in the car, only my neck would hurt,” I answered. “Tomorrow, after a long sleep, everything will be much better.”

I really believed in this, because when I'm rested, it's much easier to cope with any test that life throws at me. Maybe I felt tired and bored, that was just a bad move and I could screw everything up - if I haven't done it yet - but tomorrow, fresh, I will definitely see things in a better light. 

"Okay," Noah agreed thoughtfully, then grabbed his wallet and hopped out of the car. “A cappuccino, as you said. Anything else?” he asked with a smile as he leaned in the door.

“A chocolate chip cookie, please.”  I returned his smile when he nodded. 

He put on his sunglasses and pulled the hood of his hoodie over his head. While he went into the store, I got out to stretch my legs and smoke a cigarette. 

I was already getting back in the car when I saw Noah exit the small shop at the gas station and start heading back, but it seemed I wasn't the only one who noticed. He was stopped by a middle-aged woman with long red hair and a younger girl. I could tell by their body language how excited they were when they started talking. His presence has probably made their day better, but maybe even their whole week. I watched him as he bent down a little so the height difference would not be too disturbing, as he smiled restrainedly, but kindly, and paid attention to them. I felt a pleasant feeling move in my chest because I was in such an advantageous position that I could receive this attention at any time. Noah nodded, then smiled as they took a few selfies, he held the phone with his long arm. He pulled his hoodie up over his forearms, the muscles on which were tense and his dark tattoos glistened in the sunlight. His hair fell forward as they checked to see if the pictures were okay, and I wondered if I had ever felt as much desire for another man as I did for him. The answer was clearly no. 

In high school, we were told a thousand times that we were gay because of our long hair and eccentric style, but I never seriously thought about the possibility, because for me the girls were interesting enough, anyone could say anything. Our friends also looked at us strangely when they found out that I lived with my best friend, but they didn't ask about it too much. Did Noah feel the same way? I remember a long time ago, at a party, he kissed a guy, but it was just a silly, drunken challenge, not a real kiss, and it didn't last more than a few seconds. He always had girlfriends and it never occurred to me that he might even be bisexual. And then there was Noah's mom…who loved to attack our friendship and all the good things that happened to her son.

It all started when two boys started teasing Noah at school, and one of my friends and I listened to it all. They made rude comments about his hair and figure, and when that didn't get enough of an impact and reaction, they started teasing him about having Asian blood in his veins. He was told that it was indeterminate whether he was a boy or a girl, just like in Japanese anime. I think this was the point where even though I hated conflict, I had to step in because I absolutely loved anime. And I didn't understand why you couldn't leave a boy alone who just wanted to write his homework. 

It only took a couple of well-selected sentences from Davis and a few condescending glances from me to make the young boys go away in defeat. They wisely decided that it was pointless to confront the three of us, especially since my friend and I were several years older. We had a fist-bump with Davis, who immediately left for class, and only then did I turn to the boy, who got up from the bench and started packing his things back into his bag. His hair fell into his face as he leaned forward, his movements looking nervous. I've never been the type to initiate acquaintances. I hated big company and could only really open up to a small circle of friends, but… I felt I had to open up to him. Little did I know then that I was making the best decision of my life. 

“By the way, I'm Nicholas,” I tried to lighten his mood a little. “My friends usually just call me Nick.”

The boy finally stopped and slowly turned towards me. He brushed his hair away from his face with long, thin fingers, revealing dark eyes, pouty pink lips, and the sweetest nose I'd ever seen.

"I could have dealt with them alone," he declared instead of introducing himself. I wasn't mad at him though, I knew he was still in passive aggressive defense mode.

“I know,” I answered and smiled cautiously. I didn't want him to feel like I was laughing at him. “But I am desperately collecting friends who like anime.”

With this, I managed to remove some of the storm clouds from his face.

“How many friends do you have like that, Nick?” he asked with interest, tilting his head slightly to the side.

“I hope you will be the first,” I answered honestly, for which I received a bright smile in response.

"Noah," he said, twisting his fingers, turning his gaze to the ground. "I mean, that's my name," he added, laughing nervously, looking up at me again. 

"Noah," I said his name, just to know how it felt. I loved it. 

In the weeks that followed, Noah easily fit into my group of friends. No one really noticed that he was three years younger than us. Even then he was almost as tall as me, and much more mature than his age would have suggested.

The summer holidays were approaching, the students were less and less focused on studying and wanted to stay more and more outdoors. I couldn't wait for the bell to ring from our last class on Friday and it would be the weekend. Not because I wanted to party - I've never been a party animal - but so that I can finally get a good night's sleep and draw as much as I like. I was decorating the edge of my notebook throughout math class, and when the bell finally rang, I was one of the first to get up, threw my things into my bag, said goodbye to the two boys I had been friends with for years, and stepped out into the hallway. Noah was leaning against the railing waiting for me, drinking a can of Coke and smiling when he saw me.

"Thanks for waiting," I told him as we walked out of the building. “This math class was dead boring.”

"I can't say that this was the most exciting day of my life either," he answered, smoothing his shoulder-length brown hair behind his ears. “But maybe it will get better from now on.”

“For sure. It is even more fun to sit in the church and listen to the teacher about nonsense.”

"Brr, don't even mention the church," he said with disgust on his face. I laughed to myself as he wrinkled his freckled nose, pursed his lips, and was visibly sick of even the thought. He said that his grandparents, with whom he lived, were very religious and forced him to participate in church work, even if it’s about repairs or fundraising.

We walked down to the front of the building when a bunch of young boys turned to us and giggled as we passed them. I saw in Noah that he was uncertain for a fleeting moment, but then he kept his head up and walked confidently.

“You shouldn't show off with me,” he remarked when we left the gate. “You must have noticed that I am not the most popular student.”

“Don't think I'm afraid of your classmates in diapers,” I snorted, touching my pockets. I couldn't wait to finally light a cigarette. I found the box with the lighter inside and took out a cigarette. I noticed Noah reach out his hand as well, causing my eyebrows to rise to the center of my forehead.

“What is that?” Noah asked.

“Aren't you too young for that?”

He just rolled his eyes, then grabbed my wrist where I was holding the box and took out a cigarette. He lit it with practiced movements and blew the first puff of smoke into my face, making me roll my eyes. 

“Just because you're older, you don't have to play the adult.”

“Just because I smoke is not an example to be followed,”I retorted, but I couldn't take this conversation seriously either, and by the end we both laughed at each other.

“Don't worry, I already smoked before I met you.”

“Huh,” I squeezed my hand dramatically towards my chest. “Now a huge stone fell from my heart. I was already beginning to think that I had led you into trouble during our short acquaintance.”

“My grandparents won't be coming home until Sunday,” Noah explained as we got to their house. I looked up at the two-story building, which was surrounded by a large, well-kept garden, and nodded approvingly. It was the first time I visited them, only three weeks had passed since we met in the schoolyard.

"I guessed you were a little prince," I said with feigned seriousness. The house was about twice the size of the one I lived in with my parents and four siblings. Noah snorted, but didn't answer anything, he just opened the door with his key, and then we entered the hall one after the other. Even next to the coat hanger, the face of Jesus greeted me on the wall. It seemed that Noah was not exaggerating when he spoke about his grandparents' religiosity. I kicked off my shoes and continued to look around while Noah struggled with his tangled shoelaces.

“Who is she?” I asked, pointing to a beautiful woman in one of the paintings. Her brown hair was at least down to her waist and she wore a blood red cloak over her long dress which she held in her hands at her chest.

"Mary Magdalene," Noah answered as he straightened up. “She…”

"Many people believe that she was Jesus' lover," said a woman's voice behind us, and we both turned on our heels in surprise. "Hello, I'm Noah's mother, Elizabeth," the owner of the voice extended her hand to me with a soft smile on her lips. Her light brown hair was tied back in a bun, her nails were painted bright pink, and she wore a short black dress that showed off her long thighs. She looked barely over thirty, I would never have guessed she was Noah's mother. I would have guessed it was his sister.

“Good afternoon. I'm Nicholas,” I shook her hand politely. Her skin was hot and slightly clammy, her grip strong. Then we both turned to Noah, who was standing with his arms crossed in front of his chest, not moving.

“Don't you welcome your mother?” asked the woman, raising the glass filled with whiskey she was holding to her mouth with a smile.

“Why are you here? “Noah asked, but his voice was barely above a whisper.

“I don't have the right to visit my son?” Since Noah didn't appreciate any reaction, she drained the rest of the drink from her glass and continued: “Your grandmother mentioned that you will be alone. I thought this would be the perfect time to get back together.”

When Noah told me about his bad relationship with his mother, I thought they didn't get along because of some sort of teenage rebellion. I never thought that Noah could act so cold with someone when I got to know him so friendly and kind in the last few weeks. 

I followed him up the stairs with furrowed brows as he started without saying a word to his mother. When we entered his room, he immediately locked the door and collapsed on the bed, broken. 

“I'm sorry, I didn't know she would be here.”

“It's okay,” I reassured him immediately and fell down next to him. "She doesn't seems that bad," I added, but I saw that pained smile on Noah's face that I haven't been able to get out of my head since, and I kept seeing it in my mind as his mother stabbed him in the back over and over again just to see him suffer. 

I stood up and walked over to the bookshelf to look through his manga. He said he would be happy to lend me any of them if I wanted to read them, and I chose two. Afterwards, I sat back next to him and we were talking about school, when my sketchbook, in which I used to draw, came up.

“Shall I show you?” I asked Noah. His face lit up as he nodded, so I reached for the ceiling and pulled my t-shirt over my head. Noah leaned very close to my shoulder, which was decorated with a fresh tattoo. My first tattoo, a beautifully crafted bird wing.

“I want to tattoo my entire arm,” I explained to him, while he touched my skin, as if he wanted to test whether it feels different over the tattoo. - I designed this too, and if I collect the money for it, we will continue. Maybe one day I'll be a tattoo artist, who knows…”

Noah nodded and struggled to break his gaze to look up at me.

“Your drawings are very good, there is no doubt that you have a talent for it,” he said honestly. “I want a tattoo too.” He bit his lip as he thought. Then he slowly pulled up his t-shirt and placed his index finger on one of the small scars on his chest.

“Do you think these could be covered? There was this car accident and… I broke a few ribs, and then in the hospital they put tubes in… here too,” he smoothed a hand over the side of his chest. “Although the doctors said that it will almost completely disappear by the time I grow up, I still want something on it.”

I didn't know that particular accident was so serious that he lost his father and everyone died except him. I had no idea, it had been many months have passed before he told me about that summer day.

 

“They can surely make it disappear,” I answered him, while my gaze involuntarily fell on his ribs, which almost pierced his skin. Noah might have noticed because he quickly readjusted his shirt and wrapped his arms around himself defensively. I hated myself for making him uncomfortable, it was the last thing I wanted. I also put on my t-shirt and smiled at him from under my eyelashes.

“Can I have some tea now?” I referred to his offer from half an hour before. Noah nodded enthusiastically, and while he ran down to the kitchen, I picked up one of the manga and started flipping through the pages. He left the door ajar, so I heard him approach cautiously after five minutes, probably to avoid spilling the contents of the mug on himself. I looked down at the bottom of the page I was reading, noted the page number, and closed the book. Then I heard Noah's mother's voice. His speech was slurred, I could tell even though he was half-whispering.

“Your grandmother must be proud of you for being gay. She must be happy to tell it in church.” The smile immediately melted from my face and I sat frozen on the bed. “Look at me when I talk to you!” Elizabeth didn't even try to suppress her voice.

"I have no idea what you're talking about," Noah said quietly. His voice was laced with pleading and fear. My throat tightened. “Please…”

“More about who. Nicholas, if I remember his name correctly. Why would you bring a boy here and shut him up in your room?”

“Nick is my friend.”

“Who would want to be friends with you, baby?” asked the woman almost regretfully. “You are so naive, Noah. Everyone has an ulterior motive.”

My hands were clenched into fists, my blood pressure skyrocketed, and yet I didn't move. I was held back by my good upbringing, by the fact that my parents taught me to be obedient to adults. Later, I regretted a thousand times that I didn't stand by Noah and get him out of that family right away. That place was equal to hell on earth. I heard a door close and Noah finally entered the room. His hands were shaking, the tea between his fingers spilled onto the floor, but his face remained completely emotionless. I jumped off the bed and took the mug from him so he wouldn't drop it. This time, I locked the door and took out a pocket of tissue from my bag. He accepted without a word, wiped his hand, then threw it away and we sat next to each other on the bed.

"If you don't feel like staying, I won't be mad if you go home," he said without looking at me. He knew I heard every word of the conversation. His fingers dug into his thighs and his face went completely pale. I didn't really know what to do in such a situation. I felt uncomfortable, I was angry, but I wanted to help him feel good again. This was the most important thing, because over the weeks I slowly began to become completely addicted to his smile. I put the tea on the table and turned to him.

“Would you like me to go home?” I asked him because I had to know what he wanted.

Noah finally looked up at me. Unshed tears glistened in his eyes, his lips trembled. 

“No. I want you to stay.”

His voice was childish, not the confident teenager I knew from school. I quickly realized that it was just a disguise, but I was relieved to hear his answer, because I would not have liked to leave him alone with that woman.

“Then I'll stay,” I answered and slowly smiled. It took a few seconds for him to return the smile, and even though it didn't quite reach his eyes, I was satisfied with that. “Which anime would you like?” I stood up and started watching the DVDs packed under the TV.

“Choose something. Surprise me,” he replied with a slight challenge in his eyes.

It was the first and last time we went to their place after school. Afterwards, we always ended up at our house, and Noah didn't seem bothered by my loud brother, my hysterical little sisters, or the fact that the hot water kept running out late at night and we were forced to take cold showers if we were immersed in the conversation. If the milk ran out in the morning, he made his porridge with water and didn't complain if we had toast for lunch. I noticed how strange it was when mom or I hugged him. Like he doesn't know what to do with it all and is confused. But it only took a few weeks for all of that to change and he almost started demanding touches. 

Noah walked to the car and turned back to make sure no one was following him before getting in. I followed his approaching steps with half-closed eyes, trying to figure out what had changed. Where was the tipping point when I started finding him attractive. No matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't figure it out and that only made me more frustrated. Noah got in and handed me the coffee and the paper bag, then pulled the hood off his head. 

“I hope it didn't get too cold,” he said with an apologetic smile.

I tiredly returned his smile and handed the biscuit back to him.

“Half of it is yours. And thank you.”

He didn't argue for a second that I wanted to share the dessert with him. He began to eat the cookie with gusto, while I drank my coffee thoughtfully.

“Noah…we'll be fine, right?” I suddenly asked out of nowhere. My voice sounded so scared that I was surprised by it. 

He looked at me confused, with a small crumb on his mouth that I was tempted to wipe off, but luckily he licked it off before I could move. He swallowed the bite and looked deep into my eyes. 

“Whatever happens, we will always be here for each other. You are the only sure point in my life. Believe me, I will do everything to be your sure point.”

I nodded and closed my eyes again. I think that was enough to make me feel better, if only a little.