autheblue

[autheblue]

Así que tengo permiso de ir al Malecón, incluso si eso significa salir más temprano del trabajo... Pero cuál es el punto de ir al Malecón si no voy en patines?

Seriamente considerando viajar con mis patines entonces

[autheblue]

i wanna hit amatanormativity with a bat until it’s smashed to pieces. i think that would be fun

[autheblue]

Yes I'm very hot and beautiful and cool and sexy BUT in a distinctive aroace way. Do not ruin my vibe.

[autheblue]

Lately I feel like I’ve grown out of love for my friends, I feel like we’re too different now that we’ve grown up and there’s almost always an awkward silence when we’re together. Rather than break up with them, I feel like I just need to find new friends that I can connect with, but I’ve noticed that’s near impossible because most women my age already have a partner and/or kids so that’s all they ever talk about and most men that I’ve tried befriending were only interested in trying to date me, which I definitely wasn’t interested in doing. Due to this I feel like I’ve become aplatonic because I no longer look at anyone and want to be their close friend. I’m already aroace so to also become aplatonic makes me feel like I’m empty, like I’m not capable of any kind of love. I even have a hard time loving myself so how do I learn to love myself when I don’t love anyone else or I fallout of love with everyone else. I do enjoy being on my own but there are some days where I would like to go out and have someone to hang out with, not because I can’t do it myself, but because it’d just be nice to be with someone else. But I’m worried I’ll only ever have myself. Choosing to be alone because you need a break is great because you know there will be people waiting for you when you’re ready, but being alone because you have no one is really sad.

Submitted February 11, 2023

[autheblue]

No pertenezco a este lugar

En septiembre me mudé de ciudad por cuestiones de trabajo (en realidad, me pidieron que me mudara y mis únicas dos opciones eran aceptar o renunciar...), y desde que llegué aquí se ha hecho evidente que no pertenezco... es como si no tuviera lugar en el mundo.

Desde que tengo memoria me he sentido así y con el tiempo esa sensación era más bien un ruido blanco con el que aprendí a vivir. Mis gustos, mis ideas, lo que quería hacer nunca se ha alineado con lo "normal".

A finales de mi adolescencia, comencé a sentirme cómoda con el hecho de ser asexual, aunque también se abrió una cajita de Pandora de otras inseguridades y autocuestionamientos, más o menos iba navegando la vida.

Pero oh boy, el cambio cultural is a bitch.

No me gusta nada de aquí. Siempre hay sol y la mayoría del tiempo hace calor. Extraño los días fríos, extraño salir con al menos tres capas de ropa y aún así sentir frío... No sólo es homesickness, nada me gusta de aquí.

Estar aquí ha acentuado más mis diferencias. En el trabajo no encajo con nadie, no encajo con las ideas de lo que debería ser. Y fuera del trabajo tampoco me siento bien. Estar completamente sola ha evidenciado más que no me siento parte de nada. Mi salud mental se está desestabilizando y aunque pasan los días, yo veo muy lejano el momento de regresar a casa.

[autheblue]

I mourn the life I will never experience.

[autheblue]

once my friends get partners, they end up leaving me to spend more time with them. we used to hang out every two weeks and text every couple days and look forward to hanging out again. now we haven’t hung out in 4 months and they don’t even text me anymore. it’s always “oh sorry i’m with my boyfriend.” and i hate that relationships are like this. i can’t have a meaningful relationship with people when i’m aroace. i’m surrounded by coworkers who talk 24/7 about their partner issues, my friends are walking away from our friendship to be with their partners, and at home i roommate with my mom and there are some weeks she won’t even come home bc she’s at her husband’s apartment. being alone sucks. i wish traditional relationships weren’t the be-all end-all.

[autheblue]

once my friends get partners, they end up leaving me to spend more time with them. we used to hang out every two weeks and text every couple days and look forward to hanging out again. now we haven’t hung out in 4 months and they don’t even text me anymore. it’s always “oh sorry i’m with my boyfriend.” and i hate that relationships are like this. i can’t have a meaningful relationship with people when i’m aroace. i’m surrounded by coworkers who talk 24/7 about their partner issues, my friends are walking away from our friendship to be with their partners, and at home i roommate with my mom and there are some weeks she won’t even come home bc she’s at her husband’s apartment. being alone sucks. i wish traditional relationships weren’t the be-all end-all.

[autheblue]

It saddens me when people act like you cannot love anyone as deeply as you love your romantic partner. I know I have never felt the inclination to have one but people are so convinced that romance is the height of love, they think this means I will never fall in love.

But I have fallen in love, I am in love, and I fall deeper every day. I have looked at this girl as if she put the stars in the sky, stared into her eyes as if they held the secrets of the universe, felt as if the weight of the world had been lifted off my shoulders at the sound of her laugh. Why should the intensity of my love be decided by my desire to kiss her ? Why should I not let myself be entranced by her very existence simply because I do not want a romantic relationship with her ? I have fallen in love with this girl the moment I met her, over 6 years ago, and still fall deeper everytime she crosses my mind. Everytime I share a small smile or a look with a friend, that I lay a hand on their shoulder or lean against their side, I fall in love with them a little bit more. Everytime we spend hours just listening to one another rant about things no one else would want to hear about, I fall in love with them a little bit more. Everytime we share playful banter, have snowball fights even though we are now adults or do stupid things for the sole reason that it would amuse the other, I fall in love with them a little bit more. Everytime we send each other things, simply because our first thought when seeing them was of each other, I fall in love with them a little bit more. Is "I thought of you when you were not there because you never truly leave my mind" not the purest expression of love ? And I really do fall in love with them, bit by bit, until I can no longer imagine a life without them, until they seem to have put the stars in the sky, until their eyes hold the secrets of the universe and until the sound of their laugh lifts the world off my shoulders.

I never said I couldn't fall in love. What I said is that I didn't want romance. You were the one who decided to put barriers on something so boundless as love.

[autheblue]

One of my favourite things about being ace is that my existence as a person is a living middle finger to Freud