autismedia

[autismedia]

[autismedia]

like the creature from splice. There. I can accept myself now.

some ugly girl named Britney energy. IDK the one good thing about me I think I have a certain intelligence in my eyes. But only once you look past the pain and the ugly. I was in a trance. I dont understand how it got so bad. Im petrified of this mind controlled world of vampires.

and yeah im calling my parents ugly. I look like them and it makes me feel fucking scared. When I was coming out of this trance more a month or so ago my mom was freaking out. She was like”ur eyes look different whats wrong wiht you”. Its like shes subconciously aware of some attachment to the mind controlled version of her cus it supports her lifestyle in some way and shes scared to lose it. Idk. I hate being this paranoid. Its driven me to madness many times. How many people are out there like me who never find answers or freedom or joy.

I grew up looking and feeling like this. I guess Im a little better now. I just. Never. Smile. With. Teeth. Ever. My mom made mad friends. I hung out with this lady whos crossdressing husband died of a drug overdose. Her kids were my best friends. I was codependent with these people. The amount of unhealthy relationships stresses me out.

I attached to Shantih cus Im ugly and so many other things. I went crazy cus Im ugly. I try to believe I would have been a little less ugly with awareness and helpful adult wisdom. 

[autismedia]

is life as hard without a personality disorder or 3 ? I dont know if someone like me can cope with reality and the constant shifts unpredictabilities unfair advances 

[autismedia]

made a mistake reblogging txt posts too tired to cleasn it up even though I said embarassing things and no ones gonna see this I just really wish someone would see it. Even though it wont get better. Theyll just see “oh I see why some people hate themselves. look at her.”

[autismedia]

so many girls I was obsessed with. There was a girl Francesca. I weighed so much importance on these people wanting to interact with me. I was scared to be close to them but though maybe I could learn something. I couldnt. Just embarassed myself again and again. I dont understand how some people seem to learn to be more humanly graceful than others. Am I severely autistic or did I have such bad examples. its both wtf ? why ?

 Its so hard for me somehow to believe that Im connected with a billion people all feeling as real as I feel. I feel alone and feel like no one feels like me. It gives me a weird edge when trying to interact with others. It gives my personaliy a weird edge that I truly think should be killed off. I feel not essential to any body except the family that relies on some image of me out of habit.

Why cant I change.

[autismedia]

Im a ugly autistic. When I look at myself now I feel like Ive always been Ill. Addicted to friends, one friend in particular, filling voids. Seriously thinking I can measure up to my peers because I have these strange intense connections to certain things. I believed myself to be creative cus I was weirdly obsessed with certain things. Wanted so much to connect with the world. Instead filled my head with lies thinking I was better than others, more worthy of attention. I dont get it. Its so complicated. 

some ugly girl named Britney energy. IDK the one good thing about me I think I have a certain intelligence in my eyes. But only once you look past the pain and the ugly. I was in a trance. I dont understand how it got so bad. Im petrified of this mind controlled world of vampires.

and yeah im calling my parents ugly. I look like them and it makes me feel fucking scared. When I was coming out of this trance more a month or so ago my mom was freaking out. She was like”ur eyes look different whats wrong wiht you”. Its like shes subconciously aware of some attachment to the mind controlled version of her cus it supports her lifestyle in some way and shes scared to lose it. Idk. I hate being this paranoid. Its driven me to madness many times. How many people are out there like me who never find answers or freedom or joy.

I grew up looking and feeling like this. I guess Im a little better now. I just. Never. Smile. With. Teeth. Ever. My mom made mad friends. I hung out with this lady whos crossdressing husband died of a drug overdose. Her kids were my best friends. I was codependent with these people. The amount of unhealthy relationships stresses me out.

I attached to Shantih cus Im ugly and so many other things. I went crazy cus Im ugly. I try to believe I would have been a little less ugly with awareness and helpful adult wisdom. 

[autismedia]

some girls objectify themselves in a cute way? I dont understand. I dont understand.

some ugly girl named Britney energy. IDK the one good thing about me I think I have a certain intelligence in my eyes. But only once you look past the pain and the ugly. I was in a trance. I dont understand how it got so bad. Im petrified of this mind controlled world of vampires.

and yeah im calling my parents ugly. I look like them and it makes me feel fucking scared. When I was coming out of this trance more a month or so ago my mom was freaking out. She was like”ur eyes look different whats wrong wiht you”. Its like shes subconciously aware of some attachment to the mind controlled version of her cus it supports her lifestyle in some way and shes scared to lose it. Idk. I hate being this paranoid. Its driven me to madness many times. How many people are out there like me who never find answers or freedom or joy.

I grew up looking and feeling like this. I guess Im a little better now. I just. Never. Smile. With. Teeth. Ever. My mom made mad friends. I hung out with this lady whos crossdressing husband died of a drug overdose. Her kids were my best friends. I was codependent with these people. The amount of unhealthy relationships stresses me out.

I attached to Shantih cus Im ugly and so many other things. I went crazy cus Im ugly. I try to believe I would have been a little less ugly with awareness and helpful adult wisdom. 

[autismedia]

I wanted to feel like I mattered so much. I really feel like I did not matter at all. I can see myself fading away and everyone saying “wow that glitch should never have been here in the first place”

some ugly girl named Britney energy. IDK the one good thing about me I think I have a certain intelligence in my eyes. But only once you look past the pain and the ugly. I was in a trance. I dont understand how it got so bad. Im petrified of this mind controlled world of vampires.

and yeah im calling my parents ugly. I look like them and it makes me feel fucking scared. When I was coming out of this trance more a month or so ago my mom was freaking out. She was like”ur eyes look different whats wrong wiht you”. Its like shes subconciously aware of some attachment to the mind controlled version of her cus it supports her lifestyle in some way and shes scared to lose it. Idk. I hate being this paranoid. Its driven me to madness many times. How many people are out there like me who never find answers or freedom or joy.

I grew up looking and feeling like this. I guess Im a little better now. I just. Never. Smile. With. Teeth. Ever. My mom made mad friends. I hung out with this lady whos crossdressing husband died of a drug overdose. Her kids were my best friends. I was codependent with these people. The amount of unhealthy relationships stresses me out.

I attached to Shantih cus Im ugly and so many other things. I went crazy cus Im ugly. I try to believe I would have been a little less ugly with awareness and helpful adult wisdom. 

[autismedia]

Seriously here I look like a disease. I assume its a combination of parenting/environment and natural lack of intelligence in areas people with poise and ....... looking not like a disease. 

some ugly girl named Britney energy. IDK the one good thing about me I think I have a certain intelligence in my eyes. But only once you look past the pain and the ugly. I was in a trance. I dont understand how it got so bad. Im petrified of this mind controlled world of vampires.

and yeah im calling my parents ugly. I look like them and it makes me feel fucking scared. When I was coming out of this trance more a month or so ago my mom was freaking out. She was like”ur eyes look different whats wrong wiht you”. Its like shes subconciously aware of some attachment to the mind controlled version of her cus it supports her lifestyle in some way and shes scared to lose it. Idk. I hate being this paranoid. Its driven me to madness many times. How many people are out there like me who never find answers or freedom or joy.

I grew up looking and feeling like this. I guess Im a little better now. I just. Never. Smile. With. Teeth. Ever. My mom made mad friends. I hung out with this lady whos crossdressing husband died of a drug overdose. Her kids were my best friends. I was codependent with these people. The amount of unhealthy relationships stresses me out.

I attached to Shantih cus Im ugly and so many other things. I went crazy cus Im ugly. I try to believe I would have been a little less ugly with awareness and helpful adult wisdom. 

[autismedia]

I feel paranoid my mom did something weird. She wouldnt let me be my own person . I feel like she did everything for me. I didnt notice it as a kid. I oticed it when she raised my sister. She raised “lazy uncapable me with low self esteem struggling to preform basic tasks day to day

I want to understand why Im so different than what I see as ideal. was I really born different or was I really in bad circumstances emotionally compared to my ideal.

I went to a sleepaway summer camp with this person and was so intimidated by her confidence and beauty. She grew up going to parties with kid dylan and cole sprouse and tyra banks. I wanted to achieve her level of confidence and poise. Im fixated just wanna know what her parents are like and how they had the patience love and attitude to raise a girl to be so collected and confident.

Do confident poised peoples parents share with them how to approach society and be a liked person? Do their kids just catch on and it happens naturally? How did my mom go so wrong.

My moms abusing my little sister too she just doesnt have the patience or interpersonal intelligence with her at times. My sis was awake and 30 mins before bedtime my mom got mad at her for having her door locked and being on the phone, my sis opened the door, mom went from 0 to 100 said UR 9 YOULL LISTEN TO ME GODDAMMIT then kicked the door barefoot. Im so confused. I love her but I dont know what causes her to be this way. I want to understand so I can avoid being the same way.

[autismedia]

I went to a sleepaway summer camp with this person and was so intimidated by her confidence and beauty. She grew up going to parties with kid dylan and cole sprouse and tyra banks. I wanted to achieve her level of confidence and poise. Im fixated just wanna know what her parents are like and how they had the patience love and attitude to raise a girl to be so collected and confident.

Do confident poised peoples parents share with them how to approach society and be a liked person? Do their kids just catch on and it happens naturally? How did my mom go so wrong.

My moms abusing my little sister too she just doesnt have the patience or interpersonal intelligence with her at times. My sis was awake and 30 mins before bedtime my mom got mad at her for having her door locked and being on the phone, my sis opened the door, mom went from 0 to 100 said UR 9 YOULL LISTEN TO ME GODDAMMIT then kicked the door barefoot. Im so confused. I love her but I dont know what causes her to be this way. I want to understand so I can avoid being the same way.

[autismedia]

SUDDENLY I AM VERY SENSITIVE ABOUT THE TOPIC OF HAVING INBRED DNA. MY MOMS FOUND HER BIOLOGICAL FAMILY AND MET HER AUNT LOOKS LIKE A CAUCASION DINOSAUR THAT LIVES IN A SMALL TOWN OVERPOPULATED BY TRUCK STOPS.

[autismedia]

WHY DO I LOOK SO TRASHY AND BITTER.

why do I look like a grown person in a little person body

some ugly girl named Britney energy. IDK the one good thing about me I think I have a certain intelligence in my eyes. But only once you look past the pain and the ugly. I was in a trance. I dont understand how it got so bad. Im petrified of this mind controlled world of vampires.

and yeah im calling my parents ugly. I look like them and it makes me feel fucking scared. When I was coming out of this trance more a month or so ago my mom was freaking out. She was like”ur eyes look different whats wrong wiht you”. Its like shes subconciously aware of some attachment to the mind controlled version of her cus it supports her lifestyle in some way and shes scared to lose it. Idk. I hate being this paranoid. Its driven me to madness many times. How many people are out there like me who never find answers or freedom or joy.

I grew up looking and feeling like this. I guess Im a little better now. I just. Never. Smile. With. Teeth. Ever. My mom made mad friends. I hung out with this lady whos crossdressing husband died of a drug overdose. Her kids were my best friends. I was codependent with these people. The amount of unhealthy relationships stresses me out.

I attached to Shantih cus Im ugly and so many other things. I went crazy cus Im ugly. I try to believe I would have been a little less ugly with awareness and helpful adult wisdom. 

[autismedia]

my mom is such a witch and I dont know if it’s her fault or not but Im almost certain she uses me internally in her own secret place to blame me for all her unhappiness. And I feel her stuck in this dark place with me as the reason to rationalize it for her impatient/incoherant/incapable mind.Its such a powerful thing, to have the person responsable for bringing you into this world to not have the strength or skill to incorperate their children to share work load/be a team for chores.

She wont realize it comes from her own disinterest or lack of access to knowledge / keys of success, happiness, harmony in a family (in the sense of everyone taking on work so shes not the one who feels overworked and is all angry at her kids cus they never do aything) etc.

[autismedia]

half the reason I got so obsessed with Billie Eilish is somehow she was wise enough not to tan her natural skin and I literally believed everyone looked better with one cus all the white people around me told me that. I feel like maybe an important step to being self assured is embracing your natural skin color and taking care of it. I was told to change it. I dont rly hear white people talk about this idk why. 

[autismedia]

I love her so much. Everyone deserves layered, full , emotionally intelligent recognition during development. Recognition from others is probably never enough. Maybe thtats a major deception in modern society. But healthy recognition within a community I think is probably really important and an enjoyable aspect of life.

look how hard she is trying. look how weak she is. how is there enough room in this world for the tears shed by people who didnt get the opportunity to get a grip on life like how I have been

[autismedia]

there was this friend I had Kendall, I wanted what she had so much. She was rich and every guy thought she was great (from my perspective) and had a large bust. And was ridiculously wealthy. I was obsessed with her energy. When I found this old pic of me I thought it was her at first. 

I dont understand why it’s been so hard for me to find my identity. I really want my sister to be able to have  more wisdom and maturity than I did about how to be an individual that thinks for themselves.