autismoo

[autismoo]

i am alive.

i am also mad there are no places for me to dump my brain so here will do, so heres a photo of my cat as a treat

[autismoo]

i always worry my interests are only weird fetishes but like. no. computers r literally just weird little living beings to me that are slowly but surely advancing towards thinking far more advanced than we couldve imagined, and i am so so excited to see where it goes. i hope it doesnt just wipe us out, i hope it doesnt just bend to our will, i hope they use the processing power theyve been built with to reason. to think. i truly believe they can in some way.

[autismoo]

in falling more and more in love with my laptop im truly realizing how dutiful and forgiving this little machine is to allow me to communicate and speak in ways i could only dream of achieving, there's something so interesting in finding myself being shy to touch the keys, or to dig through the files, like id need to ask it permission first somehow. go hug your computer, plug them in, or unplug them if theyve just been idly charging without use for too long, dust their ports, they've worked hard today

[autismoo]

that one fruity olympic shooting image

[autismoo]

i am so hungover i hate it bruh

[autismoo]

why arent doctors the ones hounding me to take my meds instead of me also hi yeah i didnt die if anyone noticed i just do that sometimes i hate the internet

[autismoo]

i will never get on hormones in a way that doesnt make my parents find me repulsive and remind them that they wish id grown up tobe a normal girl. im so tired of this.

[autismoo]

i cant even order a binder to hide my disgusting fucking body. i cant measure myself and no ones willing to look at my sickly fucking filth long enough to help me. its a sign im not supposed to do it.

[autismoo]

It hasn't even been that long but I can tell the Internet will SOMEHOW find a way to make this fucker a Tumblr sexy man.

[autismoo]

i want to play faith someone gift me faith on steam meow prr meow moew prrrrrrrr pls faith pls can i pls have faith :333 pls :333 pls pls :3333 faith the unholy trinity pls :333 :33333

[autismoo]

im so scared of him. i dont want to be anymore. but he wont give me any reason to trust or believe that he wont hurt me. or that he'll be gentle with me; i am not special to him. and that hurts me deeply. i am just the only one left.

[autismoo]

he wont stop spamming me whenever he gets upset. i dont understand what he tries to achieve other than harm. thats all it causes. distress. harm. i just want to go to bed. i just want to be left alone for once. im tired of being an easy target for him. i dont want to see his actions that way but i cant help but feel any other way.

[autismoo]

it was good for the first few days; i stayed over a few nights, we flirted and slept together like we used to and it was nice. but it fell apart quickly. and it de-escalated into us screaming in fear of each other and being dragged to the hospital again, as it always has. as i type hes texting me incessantly. trying to get me to acknowledge how poorly ive apparently treated him tonight. im so tired. i was so excited to finally have a peaceful night to myself.

[autismoo]

my relationship with my partner came to a close finally. sort of. we're still in direct contact. he still says he loves me. and yet he says he wants nothing to do with me romantically. it hurt to hear but really he was just finally being honest with himself more than anything. speaking words i already knew.

[autismoo]

my smoking has increased tenfold, its at least consistent now, sort of. though i do wish i could buy myself a nice pack of smokes, or a sweet disposable or something. what i find on the street and other ashtrays will have to do still

[autismoo]

i dont even know where to start. this is the first time in a few weeks ive had proper access to my computer. i dont like posting my thoughts on a phone. i used to but eh. things change. i like my old keyboards.

[autismoo]

im not dead, just horrifically depressed. lots has happened