autisticlenaluthor

[autisticlenaluthor]

This fuckass outfit (it’s one of my favorites)

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ETOILE WAS CANCELLED WHAT THE HECK

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no but you don’t understand. the princess bed that her mom refused to fix for her, but did for someone else. her mom never having ever come to one of her performances. gael jabbing cheyenne in the heart and telling her she doesn’t have room in there for people or anyone or anything. “i slipped”. then having to dance to “i married myself” and sobbing in the same room where she found and looked after that little girl who’d been dancing alone at night. the same girl she bought ballet shoes for and came to see during class because she does have room in there. then “that’s why you’re such an asshole” and the broken “i’m an asshole.” and “i don’t want to be hollow” and

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"they're singing happy birthday, you just want to lay down and cry" but it's shauna at the birthday brunches she goes to for jackie every year

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i'm about to make jackie allergic to anything and everything and it's both because i'm projecting and because she's a loser who would in fact be allergic to everything. don't underestimate my duality

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having to ration my iv fluids in a heat wave laugh out loud

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luv your writing can't wait for the next chapter and or next fic perhaps...?

thank you so much!! next chapter of forever is the sweetest con is still in the very early stages. but here is a piece of something else i've been working on - centered around jackie and her gender stuff.

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“Would we still be best friends if I were a boy?”

They’re twelve-years-old and crammed into Jackie’s top bunk at Camp Walden. It’s Jackie’s first real trip away from home and the first time she was ever allowed to go shopping with the Shipmans at the sporting goods store. She’d filled her basket with shapeless athletic tees instead of the patterned floral tops her mom always makes her wear. It made her feel like she was flying.

Shauna gives her a look.

“Huh?” She thinks about the question for a moment then shakes her head with a wrinkled nose. “No. No way.” 

Jackie can hardly murmur the first syllable of a what before her heart is sinking right through her chest. She can feel it every inch it falls - flipping through her stomach like the highest drop on the scariest rollercoaster at the Wildwood boardwalk. As sweaty fingers grip the edges of her sleeping back like a handlebar, wide eyes search for the end of the track like Jackie’s life depends on it.

Because it has to taper off eventually, right? Jackie’s sure of it. Yet the ride isn’t stopping. And as Shauna stands firm in her response, Jackie can feel the shaky cart she’s strapped to begin to pick up its speed. 

“W- why not?” 

“Because a boy wouldn’t be you,” Shauna says. “And boys are just…” 

She scoffs and rolls her eyes. 

“I don’t know. Gross, I guess.” 

Jackie swallows. She does her best to nod and plaster on a smile the way that she always does. She ignores the twisting in her chest, occupying the space where her heart should be, and tries not to wonder if Shauna might have been wrong. Because if she were a boy, wouldn’t she have always been one? Would it make her any different at all? 

Jackie bites the insides of her cheeks and increases her grip on the sleeping bag. She resists the urge to try and explain herself - to ask what Shauna might think if she were the same person, the same Jackie, just in another form. But as the words creep onto her tongue, Jackie bites harder.

She remembers fireflies in the garden and imagines herself twisting the lid. Tighter and tighter until all the air had been sucked out.

“We should sleep,” she murmurs. “Don’t want to get in trouble again.” 

[autisticlenaluthor]

I love your writing so much. It sounds like you’re going through it in a lot of ways, but I appreciate you putting out art that sparks joy. I hope it sparks joy in you too and that things start looking up. Thank you for what you do. Also the newest chapter of Forever Is the Sweetest Con is wonderful (unsurprisingly).

PS - sorry for getting all Marie Kondo on ya, but you get it.

thank you so much!!

i'm thankfully doing a lot better now (*knock on wood*) and hoping it stays that way. it definitely sparks joy to create - especially forever is the sweetest con. i'm very glad you're enjoying it ❤️

[autisticlenaluthor]

I’m about to ramble but I just caught up on ‘forever is the sweetest con’ this fic is so so so amazing and visceral as someone with t1 diabetes I really feel for Jackie and I can’t help but put myself in her place and imagine consequences of all of her actions concerning her diabetes. I have never read a fic like this /pos and it means so much to me that I can connect to someones writing on a deeper level I am so appreciative and I can feel the love that went into writing it. Thank you so much ❤️❤️❤️❤️

i'm so sorry this took me a few days to respond to!! i wanted to wait until i had the time to actually say something and not just thank you.

but this genuinely means the world to me. i'm not diabetic but i have other chronic illnesses (including reactive hypoglycemia secondary to my main diagnoses) and the concept of being chronically ill in the wilderness is something i've been thinking about since watching the show for the first time. because it changes absolutely everything

i've been trying so hard to make sure jackie's experience with her diabetes comes off as real and not sensationalized. so i'm so glad you're able to connect with her and place yourself in her shoes

thank you so much for your message!!

[autisticlenaluthor]

trans jackie trans jackie trans jackie

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the feeling of being freshly showered, using a brand new j extension and a brand new syringe >>>>>>>

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having a central line is so fun (sarcasm) because every time i do anything it's like "oh if i mess this up i will actually die!"

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Closeted gay couple / Also closeted gay couple

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jackie in ch 7 of forever is the sweetest con manning caterpillar races like it's her job while half the cabin is getting ready to venture into the woods to find society again

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thinking about how while jackie wasn’t the best player on the team, she was probably the most enthusiastic. like she was probably the first one to learn all of their names. she probably organized team sleepovers. maybe her footwork was not the best, but she could give a great pep talk! ofc she would do your face paint for you! ofc she would help you tie your hair or get out that knot! like this is the girl who stole her mom’s valium because, oh no, what if her best friend is too afraid to fly?? handed off her necklace immediately — here shauna, good luck charm! and like, ofc she didn’t do well in the wilderness. they are wolves, the rabbit is not like them. ofc she flinches at blood, ofc she doesn’t pick up the knife, ofc she can’t hold a gun. ofc, ofc, ofc! this is the girl calming allie’s nerves before a pep rally, helping misty feel pretty for the first time, offering shauna her last bit of food. this is the girl who had so little hate in her heart that she had to steal an insult from beaches, the girl who cried over shauna not being her friend anymore, the girl who would’ve come back inside if she heard an i love you.

jackie “at least we still have each other” taylor

[autisticlenaluthor]

GIRL- 😭