averypublicdiary-blog1

[averypublicdiary-blog1]

december 30 2021

hello public diary; so much has changed. i read back to the thoughts and feelings i had and feel so sad for her. that girl i used to be but don’t even recognize anymore. in a matter of months my life has done a 180. i've also learned so much. i've learned that something that controls your life, an obsession, is not real. my last relationship tore me to shreds. at the time i couldn't see it clearly-- what a sweet idiot. i've learned that "i'm trying my best" does not always mean they are trying their best. as much as i wished, prayed, for that man i loved to be the one, it just was not meant to be. something that difficult, that painful... there was a reason. the universe was doing everything in it's power to tell me to move on and i ignored it. look what it did. thinking back to the girl who wanted to end her life, what an idiot. all the things i would have missed. laughing, dancing, singing, traveling. 

God, what i would've missed. 

i've learned what true love is. its sacrifice, determination, time, patience. all the things i begged for in the past now come in abundance. noah. growing more and more in love with a man i thought i never deserved. now, i am with somebody who understands me. pushes me to open up, rather than make me feel like a waste of time. he makes me love myself. that's not something i ever thought was possible-- or even existed. i love myself.

[averypublicdiary-blog1]

may 28 2020

It’s like I’m screaming of pain and nobody one can hear me. I wish I could tell someone; I know it won’t do any good. I’m addicted to hurting alone, hurting in silence. But it hurts like nothing else. I wonder if you know how many hours of the day I spend crying. How many times I break down screaming in this empty house begging for somebody to see me. Understand me. Feel what I am feeling. What I have been feeling for the past four years of my life. 

Sometimes I cry so hard I forget how to breathe. How to think clearly or feel clearly. I want to tell you but what can you do. The only thing worse than how I feel now is if I put that burden on you. And I love you so much-- more than I love myself-- I couldn’t put that burden on you. 

And I’m sorry. I really am sorry for feeling this way. Because I know you try your best to make me happy. But the truth is... I am no where near where happy is. I have not been happy for a long time. I feel happy when I am with you but deep down I know it’s only a distraction. And when I am no longer distracted, I am an extremely sad girl. A sad girl that has trouble finding a purpose to live life. 

It’s such a cruel world. I struggle finding the good sometimes. You are my only sense of good right now. And I don’t even have that. 

[averypublicdiary-blog1]

may 28 2020

I am miserable because I am in love...

I didn’t know love could hurt this badly. If I had, maybe I could have stayed away. Avoided any of this. If it was as easy as you told me it would be, then why do I feel like I am living a nightmare. Being away from you is a nightmare. I have to wonder if it’s because you’re the first man to ever be good to me. Or if it’s because this isn’t love, but an obsession. An unhealthy obsession that has taken over my emotional and mental stability. You really are heaven sent. But being away from you is hell on earth. Hell. On. Earth. It’s been three months since I’ve seen you. I have cried every single day. I have hurt, every single day. I can’t imagine my life without you. But I also can’t imagine living this way for much longer. It’s tearing me apart. But I love you-- so I’ll hold on a little longer.

[averypublicdiary-blog1]

oct 27 2019

You are my best friend. 

It’s been two weeks since I saw you last, and I miss everything about you being with me. Waiting hours until you wake up in the morning. Spending the next couple of hours trying to get out of bed. The constant nagging of Bentley trying to get in between us. The cold water left after your fourth shower of the day. The daily load of laundry. The endless bags of food and water bottles scattered around my bedroom, making it almost impossible to live in. Everything. All of the bad, and especially the good. The way you look at me when I’m looking at you (even when I have pimple cream on). Waking up to see you and being reminded of your unconditional love. Your very deep, very sleepy voice. Being wrapped tightly in your arms, completely forgetting ever negative emotion I have ever felt. Feeling genuinely happy. Genuinely. 

You are my best friend, and I can’t ever imagine a day I won’t love you. 

[averypublicdiary-blog1]

june 3 2018

i’m angry at myself not because i’m sad all the time, but because i don’t have the strength to talk to anyone about it. i’m angry at myself not because i cry myself to sleep every night, but because i won’t let anyone comfort me. i’m angry at myself not because i am constantly hurting myself, but because i’m embarrassed of getting help. i’m angry at myself not because i’m alone, or depressed, or in pain, but because i’m weak, stubborn, and a coward.

[averypublicdiary-blog1]

june 3 2018

the only thing that hurts more  than a needle to the skin, digging and shredding through the layers of tissue until it can taste blood, are the punches and blows that life throws at you when your back is turned and your guard is down. pick your poison. 

[averypublicdiary-blog1]

may 1 2018

I don’t think I’ve ever felt more at peace in my life Curled up in a comforter, laying next to you Looking at you looking at me I remember thinking, I could die tomorrow and be okay with it, because I was so content-- happy, even I remember your blue-green eyes looking into mine, giving me a sense of comfort knowing you understood what was going on in my head I remember my fingers intertwined with yours, your thumb tracing the lines across the palm of my hand I was so happy I remember closing my eyes so that I could get some rest but my heart was racing and I felt like I was floating and I couldn’t focus on sleeping I remember I opened my eyes and you were looking at me  and I smiled and you smiled and we were so happy We were I could’ve sworn we were

this is my last memory of you

[averypublicdiary-blog1]

“‪In another life, but definitely not in this one.‬”

—

[averypublicdiary-blog1]

“I know it’s over, and it never really began, but in my heart it was so real.”

— The Smiths (via echoesofsilencexo)

[averypublicdiary-blog1]

“Other people are not medicine.”

— It took me 9 years to figure that out  (via sunsetkawaii)

[averypublicdiary-blog1]

am fucking sad

[averypublicdiary-blog1]

“I always wish for you to find me”

— 3 am thoughts (via suspend)

[averypublicdiary-blog1]

Hey Robert? Go fuck yourself.

Jasper Frost (via scott-mccall-could-lift-mjolnir)

[averypublicdiary-blog1]

How you love yourself is how you teach others to love you.

Rupi Kaur // Milk and Honey (via qvotable)

[averypublicdiary-blog1]

I’m not the same person anymore.

J.T. Barnett (via jtbarnett)

[averypublicdiary-blog1]

Breathe And let him go. Let the fire burn out And blow out the smoke. Let the tears come and cleanse you Till you are pure. And at the end of it all When you are ready,  Let him turn into a speck of dust On your shoulder.  Just brush him off,  and let him go.

Release (via fond-suggestion)

[averypublicdiary-blog1]

So often, I think of the times we spent and I look at them as if they just happened a moment ago, as if they were still alive. So often, I wonder if we were really happy when we were together. Or were we just lonely?

Lukas W. // Coffee thoughts #119 (via somepiecesofmyheartandsoul)