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[awakenmypower]

morning thoughts

I just realized why this year has been super transformative. I started practicing self love in a different way. I’ve always been so focused on school and its interactions but corona has made me think more about who i am as a person and i’m grateful because i feel like as i learn who i am, I realize how i’m loving everything about my values and how i live my life on my terms. ANd this may be talking from a place of privilege and i wish my people could have more of it, but i know the reality is we were placed in situations that stripped us of our privilege of pride within our culture. We had our culture erased, so we are a young culture compared to many of the immigrants who look down on us. But realistically, we all have...and this goes to show how deceptive white supremacy can be. I just realized that I was about to separate myself from immigrants all who have had some type of colonial power or control over them, we’ve all had the same experience...so why is it so hard for many of them, and i’m referring to any person of color, that is non-black and not a descendant of slavery, to see our experience as how it was for them in their country, how they had to leave their conditions in order to find economic opportunity to provide better life for your family. We all want the same thing, but it looks different here because people think we had a choice. We were designated to certain neighborhoods, denied funding, disinvested in after they used us for labor for over 400 years...hmm okay, so now we are in these neighborhoods...separate but equal right?? riiiggghhhhttt nope that was noootttt the case. So now we head into jim crow era black people, resilient as we are in spirit nature and creativity start to create wealth at a level rivaled by poor white people that placed themselves across the tracks. then what happens the whites come and literally bomb the shit out of it, asserting their dominance as the majority race in america, after WIPING OUT MILLIONS OF NATIVE AMERICANS (which side note, WE DONT SPEND ENOUGH TIME LEARNING ABOUT THIS, how we gonna invade a country and take over it and talk about a democracy hmm okay, only when you are socially, economically, politically in power. ). And now, again black people are in a rebuilding phase, raising up families, advancing in the world as the civil rights movement prior had made SOME whites consider LETTING black folks in the system. But now...drugs get introduced into poor neighborhoods. Ever wonder how? because that’s the question we do not ask enough, who/what introduced drugs into poor neighborhoods? Because now within a capitalist and white supremacist society, drug dealers and drug addicts alike are being created. O and i forgot to mention, gangs, why were they even created? well many black gain originally came about as a means of protection...but guess from who? the whites. yes it eventually turned against each other as the whites continued to emasculate black men making them more hypervigilant about asserting their masculinity, but let’s again look at how things originated. Back to the point of how the black community got to where its at today, you introduce drugs into neighborhoods and then declare a war on drugs. Arrest many people of color who were addicted to these power opiates....sound familiar? does it sound like a current epidemic in America? well it should because as soon as prescription drug addiction became a thing for white america, now it’s time to help, not continue the trend of criminalization that you did for black people, but you know we have to take care of Americans, Americans are dying now at a higher rate....no honey you mean white americans, the pride and joy of america, the home of the brave minorities who have to deal with the land of the free whites that can do whatever they want without consequence. White people in generally can only see the humanity of their own race, and friends or associates or colleagues or respectable/ respectful famous people (ie those aligning with their values) who are minorities. Understand, that unless they have a few solid black friends, and usually those friends do not believe they are a victim of racism because they truly think and believe they are different (i promise, we all put grease in a cup by the sink or stove, bet me), they will not even choose to view you experience as a separate experience from there, like AMerica has been equal the whole time. 

i digress, i’ll write again tomorrow but child i can go on about how blacks are treated in the health system, and fat people but yall not really ready for all that jsut yet lol

[awakenmypower]

I take pleasure in my transformations. I look quiet and consistent, but few know how many women there are in me.

Anaïs Nin, The Early Diary of Anaïs Nin 1927-1931

(via freelance-philosopher)

[awakenmypower]

I Don’t know how to express love

How i’ve always defaulted to expressing love was through  my body, like i have this incessant need to know that my body is enough before knowing if everything else i bring to the table is enough. This is hard for me to break down because is it myself that i don’t know or do i just not value yself or was I taight that a good body and academic success is what is valuable? Like literally when i date I say that I’m this profession and yea we can have secs but apart of that comes from wanting the physcal closeness/intamacy. if any thing that is what i crave. need therapy but its hella expensive still

[awakenmypower]

Self-efficacy

Self-efficacy is the measure of one’s own ability to complete tasks and reach goals.

One’s belief in one’s ability to succeed in specific situations. (Albert Bandura)

A person who believes they can perform well has high self-efficacy.

Affect on how one’s approaches goals, tasks, and challenges.

– Task evaluation and choice People avoid tasks where self-efficacy is low and undertake tasks where self-efficacy is high. 

High self-efficacy view difficult tasks as something to be mastered.

Low self-efficacy believe tasks to be harder than they actually are.

Self-efficacy significantly beyond one’s actual ability leads to:

High self-efficacy: overestimation of the ability to complete tasks

Low self-efficacy: discourages growth and skill development

– Persistence When faced with challenges or obstacles, people with:

High self-efficacy are more likely to persist and make efforts to complete a task 

Low self-efficacy will tend toward discouragement and giving up.

– Learning Those with low self-efficacy sometimes experience incentive to learn more about an unfamiliar subject.

– Evaluation of failure

High self-efficacy will attribute failure to external factors,

Low self-efficacy will blame low ability.

For example, someone with high self-efficacy may attribute a poor test grade to a harder-than-usual test, illness, lack of effort, or insufficient preparation. A person with a low self-efficacy will attribute the result to poor mathematical ability

– Locus of control

High self-efficacy believe that they are in control of their own lives, that their own actions and decisions shape their lives,

Low self-efficacy may see their lives as outside their control.

Optimum level of self-efficacy

Research shows that the optimum level of self-efficacy is slightly above ability; in this situation, people are most encouraged to tackle challenging tasks and gain experience.

Factors affecting self-efficacy

– Prior Direct Experience  Previous success raises self-efficacy; Prior failures lowers it.

– Indirect Experience (Modeling)   When we see someone succeeding, our own self-efficacy increases; Where we see people failing, our self-efficacy decreases. Most effectual when we see ourselves as similar to the model.

– Encouragement or Discouragement from another person. Discouragement is generally more effective at decreasing a person’s self-efficacy than encouragement is at increasing it.

– Physiological Factors Perceptions of one's physiological responses (shakes, aches and pains, fatigue, fear, nausea, etc. when stressed) can markedly alter self-efficacy. Getting ‘butterflies in the stomach’ before public speaking will be interpreted by someone with low self-efficacy as a sign of inability, thus decreasing self-efficacy further, where high self-efficacy would lead to interpreting such physiological signs as normal and unrelated to ability. It is one’s belief in the implications of physiological response that alters self-efficacy, rather than the physiological response itself.

Similar/related terms

– Self-efficacy vs self-esteem (sense of self worth) For example, a person who is a terrible rock climber would probably have poor self-efficacy with regard to rock climbing, but this will not affect self-esteem if the person doesn’t rely on rock climbing to determine self-worth. On the other hand, one might have enormous confidence with regard to rock climbing, yet set such a high standard, and base enough of self-worth on rock-climbing skill, that self-esteem is low. 

– Self-efficacy vs confidence.  Confidence is a nonspecific term that refers to strength of belief but does not necessarily specify what the certainty is about. I can be supremely confident that I will fail at an endeavor. Perceived self-efficacy refers to belief in one’s agentive capabilities, that one can produce given levels of attainment. A self-efficacy belief, therefore, includes both an affirmation of a capability level and the strength of that belief. 

[awakenmypower]

The child simultaneously identifies with the authority figure who didn’t meet the need (“They’re right,I’m bad for being this way.”), and identifies with the part who was rejected (“I’m afraid, and they don’t love me because I’m afraid.”). The child, completely incapable of grasping any of this consciously, nevertheless learns to believe: “There must be something wrong with me. That’s why they are treating me this way. It’s my fault. It’s not their fault.” In the child’s mind there can’t be anything wrong with the parents because survival depends on them. The child decides to be “perfect,” to do everything right, to be really good in order to be loved. “They don’t love me because there is something wrong with me. I have to think of everything. If I do it just right and never let that happen again, then they’ll love me.” […] That’s an example of the conclusion we drew when we first began learning to abandon ourselves. We concluded that the reason we were being rejected was that we had a need, and having a need means you’re bad. If you’re bad, you’re unlovable, and if you’re unlovable, you won’t be able to survive. So from that perspective, the bottom line is: Don’t Have Needs. Once we turn our attention outward, most of us never address the original unmet need we were traumatised into abandoning. Most of us don’t know it is that original unmet need that has been controlling our lives. The need? To be loved and accepted exactly as we are.

Cheri Huber, There Is Nothing Wrong with You (via madness-narrative)

[awakenmypower]

IMAGINE Feeling Beautiful/ Valued

I saw this quote on insta talking about “imagine the first time you felt valued or beautiful was as someone else’s fetish.”

Now being this voluptuous black woman that i am, that’s probably the only time i felt beautiful. I feel like society constantly tell me to hate myself, my body, my skin, my blackness, my feminine prowess, like everything and the COUNTER culture tells me to love myself because of myself--> so the mix message i get is love myself in spite of myself. And i mean of course these are toxic thoughts but yo girl was raised toxically. I never felt beautiful because i was always the fat kid and my dad and grandma made sure that I knew it, internalized it and lived it. So i didn't walk the world the same way these other girls did. I never thought i was pretty, i still only think i’m pretty when others tell me i’m gorgeous or i take a selfie that reflects it in my eyes. realistically, my face is my money maker. I often am the girl that gets looked over because they see my body first, I’m not something you can through around, i got some girth to me. but literally once they look me in the face, they stop and realize damn i could really talk with you too. but that’s the thing im not always trying to be someone’s second choice. i want to be the lat and only choice. but that’s the reality that i’ve been reduced to have i guess. So i don't know what its like to navigate this world in a way to truly understand that guys have to do so much work to get the girls attn. That something i just heard this guy say. I was like dang...it must be sooo tough, imagine what it was lie being the ugly girl yo whole life. Guys NEVER tried with me until i grew into my facial features. but that whole topic is a whole other conversation for another time, that opinion was offered by a man that i was about to date that basically said naw its not gonna work out because i’m (me) to inexperienced. I’m just like off of one conversation you got that bet, but i dont wanna have to prove myself to my supposed lover/husband/companion. That leads to a complicated life. I just want to love and be loved.  

i veered way off back to the actual quote. The first time I ever felt beautiful was when i was at a grocery store (superior by USC pre-new USC gentrification) shopping and this man was looking at dog food. As i walked past him, he was picking up the bag of food and was like “wow, you’re gorgeous,” and then he like sped walked away lmao. If that ain’t the story of my whole life. I must be some type of entity if I have never seen myself as beautiful but be out here intimidating folk with my beauty lmao. How sway? annyways, the most recent time i was called beautiful or really just actually felt beautiful in my own skin was when i was with Desmond. Desmond made me realize that i need to have more love for myself and start seeing myself as beautiful because with him knowing me for less than 24 hours and literally just going in about how gorgeous i was to him in every single light...and i mean EVERY SINGLE light....all the light, i had to do better. I had to appreciate my own beauty, i have to do a better job still because i still can’t believe it. WHen im in the body, altho my friends want me to be not fatphobic, it’s engrained in me to consider myself less desireable in this body. 

SO i talked about beauty, but that whole valued bit.......i’ve never felt that, unless it was conditional of my academic achievement or my friendships. And i think with how much i dislike mself and maybe even dont know myself, if my friends are a reflection of me, then I have to be Dope AF. They make my life worth living, they keepme up, and push me to keep  going, they believe in me more than i belive in yself and that’s on some pure craziness. But im not gonna lie, i think my singleness has been hitting a little too hard recently because I’ve had some NIGGAS come into my life and not value me, and in return it’s making me think im not valuable. I know external locus of control. #helpless #victimmindset I’m trying to rise above but i have a hard time not letting outsdie sources, situation, and things (NOUNS) have the final say for my feelings. Lastly, did i mention that i’m an INFP-T, the struggle and the depth of this struggle is AUTHENTIC.