awesomeminiaturestudentfire

[awesomeminiaturestudentfire]

Dear Mama

Dear mama, my sweet angel and baby girl. Your battle with cancer finally ended today, and you unfortunately you finally gave up. Ma, I'm so proud of you. You fought so fucking hard. You were my best friend and my biggest headache. I will never love anyone as much as I loved you, my sweet angel. But to say that no one will ever love us the way you did, is an understatement. Yes, we had our bad days and arguments but I know you did your best to raise us with the knowledge and values you were raised with. You did, what you thought was best and knowing that was enough. You were so strong baby girl, 5 years of constant pain and misery but you still fought like a warrior. Watching you slowly dying was the most heartbreaking thing ever, knowing that you wanted to be there for my graduation and wedding. Mama, I love you so much. I’m going to miss you for the rest of my life. You were the funniest person (who would laugh at her own shitty jokes), an amazing singer, dancer and artist. You were my best friend, for real. Even though we come from different generations, we were both trying our best to grow together. I’ll miss watching shows with you and spilling tea with you and just having you by my side. Life was not fair to you. Thank you so much for giving me the life that you did. Even before you became our mom and a wife, you were a strong woman with your own values and flaws. I wish you could've stayed longer and seen me graduate, but all I can hope for is that you're watching me from above. I read a quote where they say, “the death of a mother is the first sorrow, wept without her,” and proceeded to cry even more. Knowing that I cant come to you and talk to you about the shitty things that happen, is gonna be 100x harder to get through. You were so wonderful ma, even with your awful disease- you did the best that you could. I know deep down I was mad at you for leaving us and for not taking care of yourself, but I know if I was a crazy loving mom like you- I would've done the same thing. I wish I could cuddled with you one last time properly, mama- you did your best to understand us when no one else would. You saw all the red flags in people before anyone else could. I’ll miss you yaar. Telling me to stay strong and be the big girl of the house was the hardest thing to hear and do. No one can ever take your place, Ma. You left a husband, 2 kids and a dog who doesn't understand why you haven't come back. I hope and pray that wherever you are, you’re in a better place with no suffering and I cant wait to meet you again mama. I hope that wherever you are, you’re happy. I’ll miss annoying you and taking care of you. I love you so so so much. My baby girl. ❤️

[awesomeminiaturestudentfire]

If I could tell my younger self anything. It would be to learn when to stop or let things go. You cannot change people, or change how they treat you. Everyone is stubborn, and they will only see things the way they want too. I would tell my little self to always be a person of value. To have your own back. To always strive to do better for yourself. You dont owe anyone shit and that all of us are struggling to love ourselves. Constanly comparing myself and telling myself that “i dont matter” is never going to be the answer. 

[awesomeminiaturestudentfire]

Going through a very raw transition within myself. I’m becoming exactly who I prayed to become, maintaining really level headed throughout my lows and striving to be the best “me” that I could be. Instead of being disappointed within myself and talking to myself as my worst enemy, I’ve been talking kinder and more humble to myself. I’m affirming myself that yes, I can be my worst critic but I can also be my best friend too. I’m no longer getting caught in between who “I think” cares for me and who doesn’t - I’m calling it and taking it how I see it. I no longer allow myself to hold in, bottle up or conceal what bothers me or may hurt my feelings to spare the feelings of others. I’ve learned that that doesn’t do anything but hurt me, make me feel even more misunderstood and lonely in my own thoughts. I’m not allowing myself to find comfort in my pain just because there’s nothing else to find comfort in at that moment. I’m acknowledging my feelings more and listening to how I feel so I don’t hinder my own growth or conceal my mental health. I’ve began to realize that sometimes I am going to be put in unfortunate situations or around people that make me feel uncomfortable not for a day but maybe months/years. I am going to want to be alone for awhile sometimes and I shouldn’t feel rushed to give an explanation to others in the process of trying to pick myself back up. I’m not going to pressure myself to constantly try and figure out where I stand with people and what position I hold - either tell me what it is or don’t bother telling me at all and miss out on your opportunity of once being able to tell me exactly what it was. I’m understanding that in the process of someone else healing and hurting, building and burning that they may hurt me in the process. I may hurt some too. I’m learning to let go because letting go is a form of love too that sometimes I may not even understand but have to have enough belief in myself to let that cycle play its course. I’m telling myself that things happen and sometimes there are just things we don’t have control over…especially the people who find pleasure in being negative and/or put others down around them. I’m also coming to terms that I don’t necessarily need to be strong all the time and I don’t need to be positive all the time - there is a blessing in being able to bring yourself to a vulnerable state and recognizing that. I don’t feel I need to go out my way, through loops and turns for anyone who can’t see my true value because they can’t even value themselves properly. I’ve came to a place where anyone and everything can go because I’ve built a strong enough foundation within myself to know that anything that comes can go and anything that goes can come back - I have full power of who I’m surrounding myself around at the end of the day. I’m learning that love can come in different forms and take the shape of various people and different times too - even if it’s a short interaction or limelight moment. I’m learning that all that matters in this life is how many people you can impact in a positive way - everything else is either a blessing on top of what I already have, what’s to come or a lesson that helps me be able to influence someone else even more to keep going and see another day. I’m loving to just be wholesomely me unapologetically at every second of this life in all ways, always.

[awesomeminiaturestudentfire]

Immigrant Life

Sometimes im like, “I wish I had a normal family,” but then I realize my parents probably say the same thing when they look at us. I know theres always 2 sides of the story but its so hard to live a happy life when brown parents are always so concerned with what other people have to say. I hate the fact that i have a broken relationship with my parents and couldnt grow up learning what healthy boundries were. 

[awesomeminiaturestudentfire]

I sat with my anger long enough until she told me her real name was grief.

C.S. Lewis (via onlinecounsellingcollege)

[awesomeminiaturestudentfire]

One of the striking things about math education for me is that most of the common objections to how the material is taught have really simple answers, but I have never in my life heard a math instructor provide those answers.

For example, something you hear a lot is: “why am I losing points for not showing my work when I got the correct answer?”, or even “why are we being told to use this procedure at all when the answers are so obvious?”.

There answer to both of those questions, of course, is: “Because what’s actually being taught is a problem-solving method that works for big and complicated problems as well as small and simple ones. We practice it with the simple ones first so that you can easily compare your intuitive solution with the results of applying the method and know whether you did it right. That way, when we get to the complicated ones where the intuitive approach doesn’t work, you can have confidence that you practised the method correctly.”

Not once in two decades of schooling did I hear that rationale offered – if an instructor deigned to address the objections at all, their response typically boiled down to some variation of “because this is how it’s done”.

Like, what’s difficult about this?

[awesomeminiaturestudentfire]

[awesomeminiaturestudentfire]

So I knew the concept of “favourite person” was something associated with bpd (borderline personality disorder), and I thought it was accidental that I had most of the symptoms of having one, because I knew I didn’t have bpd. But recently I’ve been talking to a friend, and discovered they also cover most of the symptoms, and don’t have bpd either. So now I’m suspecting it might be more common among traumatized children, and I’m going to write about it.

“Favourite person” is someone so important and special to you, you feel as if you can’t live without them. Here’s a list of symptoms:

you crave attention and affection from this person constantly

you want to be around them and be with them at all times

you want to have things in common with them so badly you’re ready to change your hobbies and interests to match theirs

you spend time fantasizing about future with this person

affection and praise from this person makes you so happy it’s like a high that makes you forget all your problems

you idealize them and it feels like they can do no wrong

you are ready to defend and understand their every action

you miss them intensely even if they’re gone for just few hours

it’s hard to get thru the day without them

your mood depends entirely on weather they gave you attention that day

you react with panic with any change of tone from them, or lack of interest

you are extremely anxious about this person leaving you, and you feel like you wouldn’t be able to make it without them

if they don’t text you back or act disinterested, you are in pain and feel abandoned

if they start to ignore or neglect you, it feels like your entire world is breaking down and you can’t take it

you apologize to this person excessively if you think you’ve done anything to upset them

you get jealous about everyone else they spend time with, even if it’s just other friends

you feel like your only way to be happy is to have them at your side

you only feel normal when they’re with you, or in contact with you

you feel like you have no identity or purpose without them, your life revolves around them

you want them to need you as much as you need them

These are all symptoms me and my friend had, but here’s the ones we didn’t:

you get explosively angry if this person says the wrong thing and makes you feel bad

you throw tantrums and guilt at this person for hurting you, when they’re neglecting you or not acting how you feel they’re supposed to

Since we don’t have all symptoms of “favourite person”, I don’t want to steal the term specific to bpd, I’ll just call them “special person” instead. This type of bond with someone could easily be mistaken for love, or close friendship, but it’s not normal to depend on someone’s words and moods this much. In fact, it’s awful to be thrown into agony over just one person not texting you or not showing interest in you at all times. The pain of being neglected by them can make you suicidal, it feels impossible to survive without the attention, and that is horrible to go thru.

I researched this to find out why it was happening, and how it could be specific to traumatized children, and basically it’s an attachment disorder. As a child, if you are emotionally abandoned by your parents, meaning your first, fundamental bond with human beings doesn’t work out, your survival instincts will demand to try to create another equally strong bond and make it work this time. Having this “special person” is like being connected to humanity thru them, they’re your last chance at recovering your normalcy and bonding with other human beings.

One of the reasons this can end up bad is, you will often choose someone who is somewhat alike your parents in some manner - since you’re trying to re-establish the bond you lost with parent(s), you will logically pick the next similar thing. They just might be older, but they could also be narcissistic or controlling or toxic to you, and you wont be able to pick up on it, as long as you’re getting attention that makes you want to be alive. Being neglected or abandoned by them will trigger the original abandonment from parents, and it will feel like hell each and every time. You feel like your life depends on sorting things out with them.

I don’t know if a lot of you are dealing with this, but if you are, this is not a callout post, it’s not here to make you feel bad. What you’re going thru is out of your control, you cannot choose who your special person will be, or how strongly you will be bonded to them, and hurt by the lack of contact. You should know you’re not alone and there’s other people dealing with this, and at least there’s someone to relate with and find understanding in this painful mess.

[awesomeminiaturestudentfire]

2020.

Instead of questioning why things happen the way they do. I’ve learned that some people know better and still chose to act that way. That’s because they dont respect you nor do they love you or themselves. 2020 has taught me that no matter how many people walk in and out of my life, i always myself. I know what i am capable of, i know that i strive to grow and be a better me every day regardless of how hard life is. I’m learning what is good for me and what isn't, why i am the way i am, how important it is to have a positive peer group that influences you to grow and be a better you. This life isn’t fair, but honestly what comes around goes around. Everything eventually falls in place. I cant control everything that happens, but i can control my reaction to a lot of things. I hope that i am always my number one priority and that i continue to be a better example for those around me as well. I hope that i learn to say no to the wrong things for, and always remember that sometimes the difficult things/situtions will lead to easier outcomes. Last but not least... what i am not changing, i am choosing. I hope that i always choose me in the end of it. 

[awesomeminiaturestudentfire]

So I knew the concept of “favourite person” was something associated with bpd (borderline personality disorder), and I thought it was accidental that I had most of the symptoms of having one, because I knew I didn’t have bpd. But recently I’ve been talking to a friend, and discovered they also cover most of the symptoms, and don’t have bpd either. So now I’m suspecting it might be more common among traumatized children, and I’m going to write about it.

“Favourite person” is someone so important and special to you, you feel as if you can’t live without them. Here’s a list of symptoms:

you crave attention and affection from this person constantly

you want to be around them and be with them at all times

you want to have things in common with them so badly you’re ready to change your hobbies and interests to match theirs

you spend time fantasizing about future with this person

affection and praise from this person makes you so happy it’s like a high that makes you forget all your problems

you idealize them and it feels like they can do no wrong

you are ready to defend and understand their every action

you miss them intensely even if they’re gone for just few hours

it’s hard to get thru the day without them

your mood depends entirely on weather they gave you attention that day

you react with panic with any change of tone from them, or lack of interest

you are extremely anxious about this person leaving you, and you feel like you wouldn’t be able to make it without them

if they don’t text you back or act disinterested, you are in pain and feel abandoned

if they start to ignore or neglect you, it feels like your entire world is breaking down and you can’t take it

you apologize to this person excessively if you think you’ve done anything to upset them

you get jealous about everyone else they spend time with, even if it’s just other friends

you feel like your only way to be happy is to have them at your side

you only feel normal when they’re with you, or in contact with you

you feel like you have no identity or purpose without them, your life revolves around them

you want them to need you as much as you need them

These are all symptoms me and my friend had, but here’s the ones we didn’t:

you get explosively angry if this person says the wrong thing and makes you feel bad

you throw tantrums and guilt at this person for hurting you, when they’re neglecting you or not acting how you feel they’re supposed to

Since we don’t have all symptoms of “favourite person”, I don’t want to steal the term specific to bpd, I’ll just call them “special person” instead. This type of bond with someone could easily be mistaken for love, or close friendship, but it’s not normal to depend on someone’s words and moods this much. In fact, it’s awful to be thrown into agony over just one person not texting you or not showing interest in you at all times. The pain of being neglected by them can make you suicidal, it feels impossible to survive without the attention, and that is horrible to go thru.

I researched this to find out why it was happening, and how it could be specific to traumatized children, and basically it’s an attachment disorder. As a child, if you are emotionally abandoned by your parents, meaning your first, fundamental bond with human beings doesn’t work out, your survival instincts will demand to try to create another equally strong bond and make it work this time. Having this “special person” is like being connected to humanity thru them, they’re your last chance at recovering your normalcy and bonding with other human beings.

One of the reasons this can end up bad is, you will often choose someone who is somewhat alike your parents in some manner - since you’re trying to re-establish the bond you lost with parent(s), you will logically pick the next similar thing. They just might be older, but they could also be narcissistic or controlling or toxic to you, and you wont be able to pick up on it, as long as you’re getting attention that makes you want to be alive. Being neglected or abandoned by them will trigger the original abandonment from parents, and it will feel like hell each and every time. You feel like your life depends on sorting things out with them.

I don’t know if a lot of you are dealing with this, but if you are, this is not a callout post, it’s not here to make you feel bad. What you’re going thru is out of your control, you cannot choose who your special person will be, or how strongly you will be bonded to them, and hurt by the lack of contact. You should know you’re not alone and there’s other people dealing with this, and at least there’s someone to relate with and find understanding in this painful mess.

[awesomeminiaturestudentfire]

Someone once told me that human beings have three dimensions: how you see yourself, how others see you, and how you want others to see you. The closer the distance between the three dimensions, the more at peace you are and the more stable you become.

Marwa Rakha (via quotemadness)

[awesomeminiaturestudentfire]

I love this.

i don’t think we acknowledge enough that when children want to be treated “like adults” what they really mean is “like people”

this is just my own observations of course but 90% of the time when a kid tries to get people to treat them like an adult, what they really want is the respect and acknowledgement that they associate with adulthood - because that’s what they must give the adults. they have to give that to the adults in their lives, but the adults never give that same respect back, and so they see that difference and decide that they want to be treated “like an adult”

and sometimes i see parents who are like fine you want to be treated like an adult then you can work and pay rent but that’s the exact OPPOSITE of what the kid is actually asking for. you’re just belittling them, clearly intending to punish them for daring ask for your respect, clearly intending for them to break down and beg to be “treated like a child” again because you purposefully twisted their wants. they ask for respect, and you give them abuse.

never, ever, ever, treat a child like a full grown adult. it’s our responsibility as adults NOT to, because they ARENT adults no matter how much they think they want to be, and it’s our job as adults to take care of them.

that said, ALWAYS treat children like people. because they ARE that. they’re real people with real agency acting as best as they know to with what knowledge they have

it’s not a matter of kids trying to grow up too fast, it’s a matter of kids wanting to be treated like people instead of objects or pets.

[awesomeminiaturestudentfire]

What the fuck.

Why are you like this? Why do you move the way you do. What the actual fuck. I really dont have any hatred or reasoning to be getting revenge with you. I dont fucking care. I dont need you. I am happy with me. Fuck you. I deserve better. I deserve the best. I deserve to be respected. 

[awesomeminiaturestudentfire]

No matter how many mistakes you make, or how slow your progress, you’re still way ahead of everyone who isn’t trying.

Unknown (via onlinecounsellingcollege)

[awesomeminiaturestudentfire]

I had a year to myself where i did not talk to the bird. I dont want to say his name because its triggering. For some reason, i thought i had moved on and to be quite honest i have moved on. I just feel as if i took 10 steps back rn though. My mental health took a weird toll, knowing that i am never going to be great friends with the bird. MY heart hurts. MY head hurts. I am really glad that i moved on in my life, and that i am where i am today. I met up with this boy, and i realized how much better i deserved. I have so much potential that i hold myself back from. I really got told, that im not gonna find anyone like him. BOI. I HOPE TF I DONT. I cried so many tears, put myself in unhappy situtaions where i really did not need to inflict unnesscary pain in my life. I did not have any friends that i properly opened up too. I did not take care of myself. I kept convincing myself that i was alone, and i believed it. I was easily vulnerable and got my heart broken up by my friends. I have forgiven myself for the past. And i am ready for a healthier future. 

[awesomeminiaturestudentfire]

A mystery, indeed. My website – My Facebook page – See me on LINE Webtoon!

[awesomeminiaturestudentfire]

That’s why I’m talking to you. You are one of the rare people who can separate your observation from your preconception. You see what is, where most people see what they expect.

John Steinbeck (via quotemadness)