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awkward-turtle-rising · 2 years

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Beauty is Her Name ~

You are so beautiful When I'm down and out I never seem to get tired Tired of your love

'Cause you are wonderful You're wonderful

Do you know what happens when you give someone the power to determine your worth? Your beauty? When you give away your power to feel loved by the world?

Everything stops. Your heart can't beat. You don't quite breathe the same anymore. All of a sudden, you can't stand your own reflection. All at once, you turn cold. No amount of compliments from the world, no matter how genuine they may seem -- Nothing matters. No one matters.

Because you've given away everything you had. And now you're faced with the reality - without their attentions, you are facing forever without their words. Their make-believe love.

And you ask yourself "do I ever cross their mind"? Because not a day goes by they don't cross yours. Because no one - no one - else matters. Not even you. Because without their eyes, you don't feel seen. Without their praise, you don't feel loved. No matter how much you tell yourself that they never cared - and they didn't - you can't stop waiting.

So you aren't breathing. You are numb. Loneliness and heartache. Crying yourself to sleep. Wondering about tomorrow. Won't you come back to me? Come back to me?

But they don't. And they won't. So you're faced with forever without them. And it's harder than you thought. And every time you think you're over it, it hurts just as bad. And you wonder how you let your identity become so wrapped up in another person. How losing someone you never even had can leave you so broken.

I miss you. I miss you. I miss you.

Here you are. Facing down forever and you just don't know how you'll ever feel alive again. The first thought in the morning and the last thought before you drift off at night - they're there.

And you can't blame anyone anymore. You're not being strung along anymore. It's all you. You can't let go. And you try. You try. You try the grieving. But you can't stop hoping.

You can't stop wishing.

You can't stop asking the universe for another chance.

But it never comes. The text message. The phone call. The anything. There is nothing coming. And no matter how many times you tell yourself - they're not coming back for you. You can't stop hoping. You can't let it go.

Is it insanity? Are you insane? Have you completely lost it?

I remember when I first sent that email, the hope that swelled and swelled...and then in the coming days...that turned into weeks...months now... Just as much as you hoped ... you imploded. And the pain in your chest never goes away. The ache you feel has permeated your entire being. Why put on makeup? Why dress up? Why care about yourself? Why speak kindly to yourself?

And it's vicious, because, the sadder you are, the crueler you become to yourself.

You're so pathetic.

You're so weak.

You are nothing.

Who would want you? Why would anyone, anyone, want someone like you? What could you possibly offer? You are a disgusting, empty shell of a woman.

A woman would never.

A man could never.

You're facing the very real reality that, at 29 years old, you have given up.

But that can't be true? 29 is so young. But why does it feel so... final.

Why can't you see a light at the end of the tunnel? Why can't you ... accept it.

Of all the harsh truths you've learned your whole life, this one just won't stick.

And all of the questions... all of the things you wanna say... you may never get a chance.

And even if you do, what difference would it make to someone who has moved on?

Would they accept your apology?

Would they care?

You hope not, because you want them to be happy. So. So happy.

You just never thought - really truly believed - that it would happen without you.

But it is.

It will.

And you can't stop the guilt swallowing you whole. Because you can't decide what's true.

Do you love them?

if you did, you'd want them to be happy - no matter what. No matter. No matter with who. That's what a good person would want.

So are you a bad person?

Because you can't help but feel cheated.

So are you a bad person who loves them?

And here we are again... worthless.

Because any woman worth loving wouldn't be so selfish. Wouldn't be so shitty.

And maybe that's why I haven't had an orgasm in almost a year.

And maybe that's why I haven't felt beautiful in over a year.

And maybe that's why you can't find yourself attracted to anyone.

And maybe that's why no one finds you beautiful. Worthy.

Maybe that's why you were almost raped. Because you aren't worth anything.

And it's not his fault. No. It's yourself. You gave everything away. You put all you had in another person and now there's nothing left. You gave away your very essence and they still have it. And they'll never give it back because they don't even know. How could they?

Or what's scarier... maybe they do know. Maybe they are relishing in your pain.

As you choke back tears and make yourself as small as you possibly can... because you lied. Because you weren't there. Because you didn't know how much it would hurt to be without.

You are dumb.

You are worthless.

You are nothing.

And nothing matters anymore. Because they're gone - even when they're close - they aren't checking for you.

They're not asking about you.

They're not looking for you.

And they never will.

Facing forever and not knowing where to start. How do you make yourself...matter.

Maybe one day you'll look back and this will all be a really bad time.

But maybe it won't.

Maybe you will carry this forever.

Maybe you'll never feel worth anything. Maybe you'll never see them again.

You can only hope. Because if they saw how disgusting you are and how low you are. They'll realize they dodged a bullet.

Because who wants to be someone's everything?

Who wants to see the devastation that is your heart.

And anyway... You've never been any good at hiding.

So you is me. It's me.

It is me. I am pathetic. I am worthless. I am nothing.

Maybe I will be again one day.

But maybe I won't.

#wordswordswords

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awkward-turtle-rising · 2 years

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Can I hit it again? Can I hit again?

You stay on the grind, I'm always available.

I promised myself that I would write more once I moved out here, having my own little space is helpful. I still feel like it's performative, but I suppose it'll come more naturally the more I do it. A lot - a lot a lot - has happened since I last had a therapeutic tumblr session, so I'm not really entirely sure where to start.

I live in Texas again. I'm not sure how I feel about it. I suppose it depends on the moment. Currently, it's not so bad. It's kind of nice to be home.

But is it home? I mean, I was born here, I did graduate here - but is it home? I've lived so many places -- I honestly don't even know anymore. I always likened my home to wherever my mother currently resides. That's not quite right.

I've always felt like Texas was home, but these days who wants to rep that set? Feel me? Texas?? TEXAS. Austin is different, pretty positive, but is it? And, to be fair, I am in Round Rock, so not quite that different. It could be differenter. Like, there's definitely a "Let's Go Brandon" and "Trump 2024" flag right down the block. There's also this marvelous "Austin Loves President Trump" billboard off the major highway running through Austin (I think - Ima be real, I don't even know what highway I was on, but I've been on it quite a bit and I feel fairly confident that it might be I-35). But also, I've not seen or heard anyone be overtly racist, so I guess that's a plus.

I always thought that I'd eventually find myself back here, not under these circumstances, but here again for sure. If I could just move Austin to a less shitty state, I think I'd be okay. I'll work on my earth bending.

Can earth benders move entire cities? I've never seen Avatar: The Last Airbender.

You know, I can't figure out where I stand on the whole 'you can't love anyone else until you learn to love yourself' or 'if you're not happy with who you are alone, how can you possibly be happy with someone else'. I feel like that makes a lot of sense, but also Fionna has taught me something in the last 7 months or so - the people around you can build you up and help you see things in yourself that you may not notice. I am not an objective viewer of myself.

I suppose she isn't either, BUT what I mean is - I've done things with Fionna in the last year I would have never done before. It's not just that she makes me feel brave, but rather she helps me see that I am brave. I am, I mean I'm a princess and I am not good at much, but I'm so willing to try new things and go out of my comfort zone. That isn't something I ever thought about myself. But looking back, it is true. I will rise to any challenge. I don't always succeed, of course, but I'm always willing to give it another go. Is that a strength? I feel like it's gotta be. I think my biggest shortcoming is wanting to be great at everything. I want to be the BRAVEST person who NEVER gives up.

Well actually, maybe it takes a different type of bravery to understand that giving up can be just as challenging. Letting something go that you really want, but understanding and respecting your own limitations. Not over-extending yourself trying to be something that just isn't comfortable for you.

It's okay to go places that make you uncomfortable, that's how we grow, but make the trick I need to learn is to understand when I'm just uncomfortable and not actually growing.

But look at all the things I've learned. I don't mind camping. Me? Camping? I would have LAUGHED a year ago. Now? I can't wait to go hang in a hammock and chill out away from the city. Mind you - I definitely want to go back to the city, but I can appreciate the reprieve an escape to the woods can bring. Thanks, Fifus.

I think one thing that I've been slowly teaching myself is to stop waiting to see people regret hurting me. Or accept responsibility and apologize for things I perceive as slights against me.

What I mean by that is, it would be nice if my father one day came to me and told me that he was a colossal fuck up and that he will regret everything that has ever happened between us until he dies - maybe even after. But I can't bank on that. There's a very good chance he will shuffle off this mortal coil just as shitty as he was while he was walking this realm. He may never ever feel the depths of the hurt he caused me. He may never even care. There's a real chance that I may never even cross his mind. And it took me a long time to realize that - I have to be okay with that. If he does? That's ...something. And if he doesn't? That's something, too. But it doesn't mean I have to be angry or bitter or mad or sad or resentful or wish bad things on him. He's just a fucking human, bro. At the end of the fucking day, he's just a man. He's not special just cuz he bumped uglies with my mom. Having a child doesn't make you special. It's what you do when that child is born that makes you special. And if you do nothing - then that doesn't make you less special than before - it means you are the same as you have always been. And I can't fault the man for not becoming someone I wanted or needed him to be. I think there's a sense of entitlement that comes with being human. We feel that certain things just must be a given. Your mother loves you. Your father loves you. But that's obviously not true. And I think the sooner I stop wasting energy on wishing he was someone he isn't, I could put that energy into people who ARE showing up. When they show up. Because it is very easy to not show up for events. For people. For life. It's very easy to just not do things. I would know. And it's okay to be sad for or even pity people who won't even show up for themselves, but who is winning when you dwell in that spot. Refocus your energy, right? It is what is it. It be like that sometimes and ... shit... you can't control anyone but yourself and any attempt to do so will inevitably fail or you will be miserable. Or both.

I never thought of myself as controlling until I started to think about having children. Watching my siblings grow up and become their own people and making their mistakes has been incredibly difficult. I couldn't imagine signing up to do this firsthand as an actual parent. I think it's actually rather selfish to want to bring a child into the world and I'm not sure I'm capable of being that selfish AND find joy in having a child.

Just thinking about having a kid that will, inevitably, experience heartbreak. Experience grief. Experiencing potentially a world with fewer freedoms than I currently have? What kind of shit is that? How? Why? Why would you do that? Kind of toxic shit are you smoking? But then I see my sister at her performance and I think of my brother when he played football. I see stories of kids going off and living their dreams. I think of all the art and scientific advancements ... The human experience is so fucking bizarre. It never ceases to confuse me. How pain can create such beauty. How everything that has ever happened to me has made me a more empathetic and caring person.

It sucks that I had to experience such lows, but I'm sure it has made the highs that much sweeter. So, I suppose you could argue that life without pain is not quite a fulfilled life. And I can see the desire to share that with your own offspring. And maybe having a child is the ultimate act of giving up control. Kinky.

Sorry, I shouldn't say kinky in that context. That's weird.

I don't know. Today, I will say I don't want kids, but tomorrow that could be different. Maybe some strong person will come into my life and show me that it's worth the challenge. It's worth the fear.

See ya later ~

#wordswordswords

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awkward-turtle-rising · 3 years

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Is This the End (But Also I am Weak)

I've been thinking about unaliving myself nearly non-stop this week. I can't decide if I'm in crisis or is this just a small part of myself that's VERY loud?

That doesn't make sense.

On one hand -- it would be so great if everything just stopped now. The thoughts. The struggles. The angst. The loneliness. The constant fear and anxiety. It's so bad today, I can't even remember what it's like to feel not like this. I know I have, I just literally cannot recall the feeling of being okay. I feel like I show start writing when I'm happy, so I can physically see that things can be okay. They just aren't right now - that's okay. I think.

On the other hand -- if I did, what about my family? My very few friends. I am trying so hard to think of them, but it's so hard. They feel so far away. Like they don't care. Like they wont miss me. I know it's not true, but isn't it? I mean, sure they may be sad, but they'll be fine one day, right? I'm sure of it, but why would I want to even put them through that. It's so selfish, right?

On the other hand -- is living for everyone else's benefit worth it? What about me? Doesn't any care how fucking tired and stressed and sad I am? It's like... I'm making jokes, but they're not jokes. No is blinking an eye. Which is great, but also scary. Am I such a fucking sad person, that no one even bats an eyelash?

I feel like I'm choking.

Also, apparently I have three hands.

I'm just so tired. I don't know what to do. Or who to talk to? Who even cares? I don't know?

I feel like, I'm 29 why am I struggling like this? Adults don't have these issues. Am I so immature and pathetic that I can't even stop these suicidal thoughts? It's non-stop. I'm working, but crying. Tears streaming down my face while replying to my coworkers "haha, sorry for bothering you" "that's so much :)" ... while I'm literally sobbing.

I don't even know what sent me here. My mom was stressing me out last week, but it's been fine for the most part this week. But I just went to such a dark place and I'm trying so, so, so hard to stay afloat, but I just wanna drown. I don't feel safe, but I don't know what else to do.

I don't have anyone to talk to. Everyone has their own shit. It's not fair for me to unload on anyone just because I can't handle my own shit. I feel so isolated and lonely. And just so tired. I just want to leave my phone, leave my house, and just walk until I die.

I'm so sad, internet, so so so sad. I don't know what to do. I just keep doing whatever I think I should be doing, but it's so hard. I am just so sad.

I don't know what to do, I don't know what to do. I'm trying so hard to not be this person anymore. I don't want to be this shitty, burdensome person anymore. I don't want to feel so bad anymore. I just want to lay down and never wake up.

I sent Michael money for rent, because I'm so scared I wont make it much longer. But also there's no way I'll actually hurt myself.

I'm not that brave.

or Selfish.

or Weak?

I just don't know. I just, I'm so sad.

Someone help me, right? lol

It's fine. I'm fine.

#wordswordswords

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awkward-turtle-rising · 3 years

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Off My Meds and It's Going Great

I am not beautiful by any stretch of the imagination. I'm not very funny or clever.

Why would anyone like me? I've been thinking about that a lot since Sunday.

What can I offer anyone, anywhere? I feel so down on myself.

My one assignment this week was to come up with 3 positive affirmations I believe about myself. I cannot think of any. Not one.

I can't think of anything positive about myself.

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awkward-turtle-rising · 3 years

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I always had my eyes on this one particular guy...

So I sent a 6-page letter.

Now, I am struggling.

You know those inside thoughts that should stay on the inside - well they came out. As a love letter? A love plea? In any case, it was a confession.

I was honest with myself and him for the first time. And I got rejected, y'all. He didn't even reply. Two weeks after, he blocked me on snapchat.

Can I just tell you - that this sucks. I feel as if my heart is outside of my body, my stomach is in my throat, and I'm so out of my mind I can't even cry.

It would be inaccurate to say he has my heart. More like he dropped it on the ground, turned around, and walked away. I mean if he had stomped on it, I feel like that would be much better than this... indifference? Ambivalence? Indifference.

It's every breath I take is just that much more difficult to exhale.

I blast music basically night and day to try to drown out intrusive thoughts.

But listen, I understand that this isn't the end. And, as much as it hurts that he - he would know how much he hurt me by ignoring me and then... do it anyway. I had never told him how much I hated it. I would often tell him "it's no big deal, respond when you can, do what you can" what a fucking simp.

As if he is so above me that his need to be allusive overrides my own need to be acknowledged.

I am in love with someone who does not love me back. I kind of chuckle, because how fucking in character for me.

I cannot believe I told him that. I am in shock and awe at myself. First, that realization. Then to verbalize, then to put to paper and write it. Then have the audacity to email it to his work email. Are you fucking kidding me? The literal embarrassment to do that and get BLOCKED. Without so much as a word. The disrespect. The pain.

I keep an open window of about 30 different scenarios on how that went down.

Do you think, he opened the email, clicked the attachment, read three lines and deleted it?

Do you think he read it, felt repulsed and creeped out, and then deleted it?

Do you think he read it, laughed, showed people and made fun of me...then deleted it?

Do you think he smiled and thought to himself "got her", and then deleted her?

Do you think it was hard for him? Even a little?

Do you think when he scrolled down to my name on Snapchat, selected "block" and then felt a sense of relief?

Do you think he's happier without me?

Do you think I ever mattered?

This just hurts man.

There's a really big part of me to even talk to him again. Like if he came back and said...anything, I think I would just cry. Literally anything. The feeling of being seen would be so amazing. I just want him to see me for me and acknowledge me for all that I am. And even if it's the most vile things, I would be thankful.

But also I need something alleviate this cold, empty feeling in my chest. I feel so tired. So defeated. So forgotten. I just wanted a chance to do it right.

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awkward-turtle-rising · 3 years

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I gotta stay high - all the time - to keep you off my mind.

Do you ever do something like... really toxic and like the cosmos shuts it down? For example... I'm going to confess something I did that I should not have done. It was legit crazy. And if I had been able to go through with it, would I have? I don't know. Okay, I'll say it.

Woooo, okay.

I applied for a position at David's job again. Which, like, isn't bad on the surface, but let's take a little deeper dive.

1. I don't know why I did it.

2. If I had gotten a chance to move forward, he probably wouldn't even know, because he doesn't work in HR.

3. There is a 100% chance that if he found out he'd call me a stalker. And he'd be well within his rights. That's crazy.

Could you imagine if your ex, after you made it very clear you wanted nothing to do with her and that you didn't like her, APPLIED TO YOUR JOB????

Ugh I can't believe I did that. If he ever finds out, I will actually die.

But anyway, today I'm freaking out, BECAUSE... after, idk 6 months, of not logging into battlenet or playing WoW, I logged in and played Classic and OW with Kim. No big deal.

I made a mental note, cuz clearly I'm obsessed, that David hadn't logged on in over 2 years. He doesn't play WoW or OW really. So you know, this is not surprising.

TODAY, THEN TODAY, I see on Discord that not only he is in Battlnet...he's playing WoW classic. He made fun of me hardcore for playing WoW, now he's playing? What the heck? What. The. Heck.

And my crazy heart is like "does this mean something"?

And my rational mind is like "yeah, bitch, he's playing games with a friend or some shit. Nothing to do with your crusty, dusty ass." And yeah that's how I talk to myself.

Kim says I need to just rip off the Band-Aid and block him.

I mean he already unfollowed me on Twitter, which was hurtful as hell. Like I rarely post, I don't reach out to him, like...you went OUT OF YOUR WAY to unfollow me.

Why? What did I do?

Anyway.

I've been playing Pokémon Go like my life depends on it.

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awkward-turtle-rising · 3 years

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Now you hold me close; so tender.

I take responsibility for my thoughts and feelings.

In general, I've always allowed outside factors influence my mood and behavior.

For better or worse, I am an empathetic person who is also very sensitive.

I've never fully accepted, though, that I am in control. I allow others to make me feel whatever way. I have been absolving myself completely of any blame for the things I have said or done in reactions to others.

I take responsibility on the outside, but I think internally I've always held true that I was not in control.

I hate to say that I played the victim to myself, but I think that's an argument that could be made. If it was someone else making me act a certain way, then I didn't have to answer to myself and change in any way.

While David lives in my heart rent free, he does not have to live in my head. I think about him often and I wish things were different, but they aren't. How many times can someone not choose you, before you finally let go?

But I do things that make things worse like: watching him stream. reading his twitter feed, and checking his online status. That's on me. Those are my choses allowing him to live rent free in my head. I may not be able to stop loving him, but I can stop pinning.

Wouldn't that be healthy of me? Giving up?

But, again, I let my emotions be run by factors I can't control and what ifs are killing me.

Do you ever think about how different your life would be if you hadn't made a choice?

I always find myself pondering:

If I had never left Texas, would David and I have even lasted?

If I had never visited in Spring 2011 and rekindled what we had?

If I had never hidden Brian from David?

If I had never gone to see him in the summer of 2012?

If I had never blocked him for all those years?

If I had never gone to his house and helped him cheat on his girlfriend?

Who have I become? Someone who let go? Someone who would wish unhappiness on another woman, just to get a man back that never wanted me in the first place?

Isn't that twisted? Am I so desperate that I'd settle for someone who doesn't love me back?

Today, the answer is yes. I am. Today I take responsibility for my choice to entertain this dream I've created.

And that's not his fault. He's been very clear he wants nothing to do with me and that he feels nothing for me.

But I've chosen to keep that door open in my mind. Today I say I want him.

What does tomorrow bring?

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awkward-turtle-rising · 4 years

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Whisper you’re the one to fix it all even if you won’t.

Papi pacify.

Mm, mm, mm, won’t you clarify your love.

Today was a rough day, I was feeling really down on myself, about myself. I felt discouraged and hungry for more than I am. I wanted to run away, but also lacked the energy to get out of the bed.

I focused on positives around me. My family. My roommate. My health. Having a job when so many others don’t. However, it didn’t feel like it enough. It left me kind of wanting. A longing.

I can fuck you better than her.

I’ve always been someone whose emotions could be easily manipulated. I give love in an unlimited supply and I’m not easily deterred even when all signs point to ‘stop’. It shouldn’t be a bad thing to love unconditionally and without pause. I try my best to keep my feelings to myself and focus on what others need me to be. A friend, a lover, a shoulder to cry on, a …slut.

But it often leaves me feeling like ‘who do I want in my corner’. See for all my loneliness, I don’t quite let people in. I will give love to others so freely, but I will not accept it as easily. I wouldn’t know what to do. It’s easy to care for others, but so much harder to care for yourself. What do you do when you are feeling lost, but are unable to send out an S.O.S. Who do I turn to when I am in my darkest moments?

Who can I call right now and feel open with and feel that they would not judge me? Maybe a few people, but the bigger concern is who would I want to be that vulnerable with? I think the problem I face is that I am not interested in just anyone’s companionship. I do not want to spill my feelings to just anyone.

Just you, Tumblr, the anonymity of it all. No one will see this. No one will read it. It just becomes a lost letter, a shout into the void. But there’s also the thrill that someone may come across this and find my words and fill this void.

But who, who would read the ramblings of a young woman and want to save her? Be there for her? A stranger? A friend?

Tonight I will allow myself to think on David deeply. Most nights I push him from my mind and try to focus on other things, but not tonight. Tonight, illuminated by the computer light, wrapped in blankets, and allowing the aroma of Christmas Cookies by Yankee Candle to make me think of better days to come, I will dwell on my feelings.

I know you’re thinking, how is that different from any other post? Well, I suppose the only difference tonight is that I am not demanding anything from him or the universe. I’m not seeking consolation for a perceived wrong. I am not angry. I am not sad. I am... feeling.

And I do feel. Deeply. It’s complicated. Let’s take a walk down memory lane.

In 7th grade and on through 10th Grade. David was a cute boy I knew that I kind of talked to, but nothing crazy. He was tall, which I always found so comforting. His sense of humor and wit was appealing, but I wasn’t particularly enamored. Then, 12th grade came, and I was feeling differently. The way he made me feel special, even when I knew I wasn’t who he wanted. What was her name... Oh gosh, I can’t recall. She was Mexican. I believe he wrote a paper about her. I could never touch her. She was a shadow over us the entire year. He broke up with me, because he couldn’t forget her. I understand. I forgave.

Then Halloween happened and once again, I felt special and wanted. I felt home in his arms that night. We reunited. But the distance. Also, a new girl. Desiree. Oh to this day I loathe the thought. A black girl with a love for anime and kpop? Did he really have to replace me so exactly? Well, I took the side of his friend.

At first I was hurt, but I pushed it aside to once again be close to him. Then spring break came. I spent days with him. Once again I felt at home and special. Like I mattered to him. I wanted to go to prom with him. So I did. I moved. And, again, distance and another girl won out. He broke up with me that summer.

Distance has never been kind to us. From the very beginning we struggled to find times together, but the times we were together felt so good to me. I don’t know if he felt the same, but I surely felt that they mattered.

Well I went to college and so did he. We didn’t drift apart, though. Then spring break came again. I went to visit. And, again, I felt special. Wanted. But now there was a boy in my head. Brian. Brian was a brokenhearted boy looking to rebound before he graduated. This isn’t about Brian, but Brian was special. I couldn’t bring myself to let David go, though. So I hid my new infatuation. Until it all came to a head one day and David found out. I cannot for the life of me remember how he found out - states away as he was- but he did. We argued. I was wrong for not telling him. Was I? After all the times he had broken my heart for other women, over distance. Couldn’t I just this once, be forgiven as I had done for him so many times? No. We fell apart.

But then, summer 2012. I visited. I reached out as I always do. And he responded in kind. He invited me to a party. But Marina. She was living with him, but had class or work or something and wouldn’t be there. I remember walking around his room while he was outside and being filled with rage. I saw her things and I wanted to burn the whole house down. How dare she? How dare he? Didn’t he know how I felt? Didn’t he know how much I loved him? Didn’t he care about me at all? I left my phone that night. Just to have a reason to return the next day. And return I did. And it felt so intense. And once again I felt special. I felt wanted. But I was frustrated. I was so frustrated. Why didn’t he ever choose me? Why couldn’t I be the one he chased? Why was loving me so hard for him? Why couldn’t he do what was hard, just once. For me. So I left. I blocked him. I cut him out.

I couldn’t do it anymore, I didn’t want it anymore. I didn’t want to hurt anymore. I wanted to be free of the boy who never chose me. But like an addict, after 5 years, I relapsed. I told myself it was just a friendly situation. I told myself that I was happy being his friend. Besides, he had Ariel. They had been together so long. I never stood a chance. My feelings aside, David was my friend and he deserved to be treated well.

But then I visited. And I knew the moment he walked into the restaurant, what I wanted. I don’t know if it was me chasing the feeling of being special and wanted or if it was how much I missed him. All I knew was that I wanted him. I played it cool. Even when I went back to his house. I played it cool. Even when I met him at his job, I played it cool. Even when we sat on his couch watching that twisted ass movie. I played it cool. My legs on his lap. It didn’t mean anything. But it was late and he was drunk and I wanted him so badly. When I crawled into his bed, I knew i wanted him. When I called out for him to join me, I knew I wanted him. But then it hit me in the middle of it all. I was wrong. I was taking advantage of the situation. He was unhappy in his relationship. He was inebriated. I was wrong. So I left. Again.

I hated it. I hated to leave. I spent so long wanting him and I left. Did he feel rejected? I don’t know. I just couldn’t be the reason he broke up with Ariel. I wanted him to be with me, because he wanted to be; not because he was miserable.

Do regret it? Would things have gone differently when he did eventually split with Ariel? When he went to Marina again. Was I even in consideration? Or was I fill in even then for the girl he really wanted, Marina? I wish I could ask him if he ever really wanted me. Or if I have always been a choice out of convivence? Does he know how I wait in the shadows waiting for a chance? He has to. That’s why he came to me this time isn’t it? Because he knew I’d be there, waiting.

And I was there this time. And this time I wasn’t going to run. I wasn’t going to hold back. I was going to be whatever he needed. I was going to give him wanted I had always wanted to give him. But now it feels like I may have been too late. Did I miss my chance? Did I ever have a chance? When I walked away in 2017, was I sealing my fate as someone he would never choose?

And I’m sure Marina is great. She’s always looked so sweet to me. Like an angel and I had to wish her away, but I do. I whisper to myself, if only she were no longer in the picture. I have spent at least a year using my snapchat to stay relevant in his mind. I did it for him. I wanted his attentions, in any way that I could get them. Am I loathsome? Should I be ashamed of myself? Desire does not equal love. It never has. It never will. Him wanting my body, as he has made clear that he does, means very little in the grand scheme.

But here I am, willing to give it to him if only to have a chance to be with him in any way, even for a moment. Even for a second, I can pretend he is mine.

But now I am facing a grim reality. His lack of responses. His admission that he was considering getting back with Marina. The jealously threatens to consume me. I keep reminding myself that he deserves a friend. I am his friend. I will be whatever he wants me to be, if only to be in his life. But can I play this role?

What am I sacrificing to be in his life? Am I living out a wild fantasy by pretending I am just trying to be his friend? Aren’t I hoping for his love with her to crumble? That’s not what a good friend would do. Am I a bad friend? Is it complicated? Where is my grace? If I gave up now, would he even notice? He hasn’t reached out since Friday. I know it’s only Tuesday, but to be ignored after he was being so responsive on Friday then to suddenly get left on read? It’s hard.

At first I was just trying to fuck, but you have got me so in love, so please be love.

I am constantly reminding myself that he doesn’t owe me anything. Though our history is long, it is checkered. Though our friendship is there, it is battered. It is tattered. Can it be repaired? Can we truly be just friends? Can I just be his friend? Can I shove these feelings down until I become numb?

It’s hard. It’s so hard. I’ve always held this fantasy that I would come back to him one day. That one day it would be he and I. But reality rarely mirrors our dreams. And he is my dream. Through the years, he has remained my dream. Even as others came and went, I never let him go.

Is it time to let him go? Would he notice? Would he care? Has he already let me go on his own? If I called him right now, would he answer? No. And that, that is my reality. He is not there for me the way that I am there for him. Has history shown me all that there is to see? What is it like to be chosen by David? Will I ever feel at home again, resting in his arms? Will I ever know him intimately? Will I ever get the chance to be with him fully?

I ask myself often, would I drop everything to be with him again? In 2010, I left. In 2011, I left. In 2012, I left. In 2017, I left. I always chose to do what was easy for me. So can I suppose I can’t blame him entirely. While he never chose me, I never fully chose him either. Though in my heart I wanted him, I never chose him. It is only now that I write this I realize how true that is. I always wanted him to come to me, but I never went to him either. Why was it always so complicated? Why was it never easy? Being around each other was bliss. We didn’t bicker, we got along, we’re definitely sexually compatible... but when it came to getting serious... We’d run to what was easy.

Part of me wonders if it was our way of avoiding something real. Maybe we’re both cowards and saw the potential for something deeper than with others.

But maybe that’s just my dreams again.

Part of me, the part that looks too long and too hard at reality, says maybe we’re just not meant to last.

We were meant to be, but never meant to last...

But I can’t seem to accept it. I can’t seem to let that be my reality. I keep chasing and chasing and hoping and hoping and wishing and wishing. I will keep my hope alive.

He will have to tell me that, on no uncertain terms, that he doesn’t want me. I need to hear him say it. If he gives me that, I give up, but I will never will let him go. He will remain in my heart forever. He was my first love. My first heartbreak. My first blow job.

He was the first person I’ve truly wanted. He’s the only thing I’ve ever wanted so much, for so long. That, that doesn’t just go away. Even if he choses to leave me. I will never leave him.

And that is my reality.

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awkward-turtle-rising · 4 years

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Good to love, it’s good to love

Make my body come alive. Will you let me lay against your side? Just let me love, let me love, it’s good to love.

I’m here for you. You need only ask.

Come to me. I’ll give it my all this time. I won’t run.

Just let me love, just let me love.

It’s good to love, it’s good to love, it’s good to love.

Will you fuck me while I stare at the sun?

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awkward-turtle-rising · 4 years

Text

Clarify your love~!

Hey Tumblr, it’s me, ya girl.

So I’ve got some thoughts about some things.

It’s always easy to look from the outside and say what you’d do in any given situation, but I think that’s kind of unfair.

So, for example, if a woman were to break up with me one day, out of the blue, citing that she just didn’t love me anymore. I would be inclined to say, I would not want that woman back, because she made a conscious decision to end our relationship. Now if she were to come back some weeks later saying she’d made a mistake. I want to say I’d actually be even more upset, because, why-oh-why did you do it in the first place? Are you that wishy-washy? Did someone turn your head and you realized they were a disappointment? Did you suddenly realize how you needed me? Or did you really miss me? That’s a lot of doubt to carry and since you can never TRULY know the reason, I feel like you’d always walk around with that in your heart. Who would want that?

But here’s the thing. Your lives are intertwined. You’ve committed to this person. you love this person. They were taking care of your needs. And now you doubt yourself. Maybe I could be better? Maybe I could do more? Maybe I could make them happy? Maybe I could fix it. And, not to mention, all the time you’ve put into the relationship. Who wants to start over? Who wants to risk getting into a new relationship and having to start all over again and potentially find yourself SOL all over again? It’s scary. Is it worth it? Wouldn’t it be easier just to give this person, who you already know and love, another chance?

Yeah. On the surface, it’s an easy choice? PEACE OUT of that situation.

But we’ve been conditioned as a society that our happiness is bound to another person. Or that being alone is hard. OR that trying to chase happiness isn’t worth it. It’s really sad.

I see so many of my friends settling down in these dysfunctional relationships, because it’s easy or because it’s comfortable. And it frustrates me.

I’m not sure if I believe that true love should hurt. Should require THAT kind of work. Maybe compromising on couches or whether to go to dinner with their parents or yours, but LOVING them shouldn’t be work. Choosing them every day shouldn’t be work. You should want that person at all times, even if the world is falling apart, you should want to choose that person.

But on the other side of that. Getting to someone can be hard. It can be hard to lean into something that is unfamiliar and I think that true love is an unfamiliar feelings for people. Instead of leaning into it, especially if requires you to make a move that isn’t necessarily comfortable, it can be scary.

If you feel a pull towards someone that you just can’t quite shove down, what does that mean?

For me, I feel conflicted.

On one hand, David has admitted that he’s just using me to make himself feel better. I know that he doesn’t care about me or my feelings. It hurts. It really does, because sometimes I don’t even think he sees me as a friend. Just a sexual object. Though I do portray myself as a sexual fiend, I like to think that maybe I would mean a little more to him that some random girl on the internet. But I just don’t know if that’s the case.

So being his friend is difficult. It leaves me feeling like everything is one sided and that I could disappear at any moment and he wouldn’t even care.

It’s even more difficult wanting him in the romantic way that I do. Because everything in my screams that this will be difficult, that this will cause me pain, that this will never work.

So I fight with myself, back and forth, back and forth...

On the other hand, a part of me has this little fucking killer called hope. A part of me holds hope that he sees me as at least a friend. That he respects me as a person. That he would be there for me if I was in need.

And a part of me hopes those feelings are romantic and not just sexual.

Hope is hard to kill. And, try as I might, I cannot bury it. It’s been 10 long years of him and I running from each other. Is this indicative of our incompatibility? OR is it a symptom of fear? Does the fact that we keep finding ourselves facing each other mean something? Or is it just sexual? Do we just need to fuck this out of our system so we can both move on?

I really want for that not to be true. I want him to want me the way I want him, but I just... He’s been so clear that he just wants to use me. Not as friend. Not as a love, but as an object.

I am inclined to let him, because A, that sounds fun as a fuck and I AM a sexual person, B even though he may not see me as a friend I do see him as a friend and I would do anything for my friends, and C, I like him. I like him a lot and if the only way I can be with him is an object …

Wow how pathetic is that, right? That I’d let someone use me just to be with him them in any capacity. But I really think I’d die inside a little if he took his attentions from me forever. I think it would leave me feeling a little less lively.

Then I think to myself, why shouldn’t I be seen as a person? Why shouldn’t I be seen as a friend. Why lay with someone who doesn’t like, respect, or love you?

I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know.

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