awkwardcostconerd

[awkwardcostconerd]

052520 venting

“Can you steam meat?” I was a bit taken aback, as this is not something that AS would ask. He is a calm and calculated sort of guy. Of course, with my stretched curiosity, I had to ask him what led him to ask such a strange and out-of-context question. He then verbalized his stream-of-consciousness that occurred in the moments before he asked, “Can you steam meat?”. 

I was shocked that it was a long chain of rapid-fire thoughts that led him to ask such a thing. I said to AS, “Bro, that sounds like something that I would say. Do you always think like that?”

“Yes, everyone does bro. You’re just gifted and cursed with the ability to whatever is on your mind out at that moment.” His sister confirmed both things right there.

[awkwardcostconerd]

quod memoria hodie operae memoriarum: Beginning of the dialogue with Fr. Mi.P. at the youth scrutatio when I shared my experience

Mi: M! Give him the mic! How old are you again?

me: 27, not old but…

Mi: You’re a man!

[awkwardcostconerd]

052320

But I wish that I could be always satisfied with the moment I am in rather than worrying at times about being elsewhere.

[awkwardcostconerd]

Do not think that I have come to bring peace on earth; I have not come to bring peace, but a sword. For I have come to set a man against his father, and a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law; and a man’s foes will be those of his own household. He who loves father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; and he who loves son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me; and he who does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me. He who finds his life will lose it, and he who loses his life for my sake will find it. He who receives you received me, and he who receives me receives him who sent me. He who receives a prophet because he is a prophet shall receive a prophet’s reward, and he who receives a righteous man because he is a righteous man shall receive a righteous man’s reward. And whoever gives to one of these little ones even a cup of cold water because he is a disciple, truly, I say to you, he shall not lose his reward.

Jesus

[awkwardcostconerd]

052120 2250

We are similar in the fact that we have mathematical minds and like to write. I tried encouraging her to write more a few weeks ago by buying her pens and a notebook. I’m not sure if she did, but she did use the pens during her night shift stint a week or two ago. She's very expressive in her writing. i like it. I'm very terse and attempt to be persuasive in good syntax and high vocab. she expresses herself in a much more sophisticated way either in poetry or prose that is really creative.

[awkwardcostconerd]

052020 0254 dream record

I don’t talk about it much at all, but the feelings of longing to just see her face without a screen in the way and to hear her voice without headphones muffling her words, the feelings of wishing I have already met her son, the feelings of loving her properly in person, all of these are the sweetest suffering. I’d do it over and over again, no matter how much it sucks.

[awkwardcostconerd]

052020 1515 una cartita de amor

Una cartita de amor

a veces pienso a mí mismo: por qué no le decía yo a ella mis sentimientos? ahorita, me arrepiento mucho. tal vez ella no habría desaparecido. ella fue mi mejor amiga. y cuando se fue con él, mi corazón estaba roto. no estaba roto solamente porque a mí me gustaba ella, pero porque desapareció mi mejor amiga. y por eso no le decía yo nada de mis pensamientos, mis sentimientos intensos de ganas, de mi anhelo, de mi envidia de todos los chicos que ella persiguió, de mi sufrimiento de una añoranza profunda amplificada por la distancia física que hacía que todo pareciera imposible. pues. el dolor de mi amor secreto sigue porque yo no decía nada. y perdí su confianza en mí porque yo hacía la cosa que yo pensaba que protegería nuestra amistad: decir nada. decir nada, perder nada. que mentira me dije! dije nada y casi perdí ella. la cagué. me hice mierda a mí. y ella. porque no decía nada yo.

[awkwardcostconerd]

052020 an experiment

I signed on here because I'm feeling pretty lonely. again i see that i only go here when i feel alone or upset. my mom isn’t nice. Wow, I can’t believe I wrote such a sentence like that. I'm falling asleep as I write. i don’t understand how i feel so good one day and like ass the next. right now i’m falling asleep. i am going to keep typing until i fall asleep. i’m going to see what my thoughts are like as i pass from the waking consciousness into dream sleep good thing my eyes are closed i am able to type with them closed as it is not hard for me but i will not be using punctuation in order to facilitate what i need to get onto the thing for it's too late i just realized i slipped into sleep and it already wonder what this looks like i just mentally put something about a power tool i can't remember if that warmy brother sim like on the edge about shared is this a olace wehre you con agai shoews him 

i just fell asleep for idk how long now i’mlike diong the twitching that hapens when u an fakkubg asjeeo byt evere                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                     from knowing houston we cna jbow aigi am trying to train how impaftfdi szng go kddp wiring at tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiijiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiu hyst fekk askeeo ab d web tvacj tu sjeeoy adbgewuiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

i just woke up again and what i wrote was just nonsense but in the moent it seemed to be good. it doesnt have much to so with my typing rather than what can i really recor dafter an event 

im already falling asleep right now and im already lomda on and ari keep geting thes

[awkwardcostconerd]

Hi, it's prls. It's going to be ok. Xoxo love you bye.

prls

[awkwardcostconerd]

051020 i’m about to go on a tirade

i need to get the fuck out of this house. you know what, i am bitter towards yvette for stealing my goddamn money because now i’m stuck here in this place where i was loud, arrogant, and self-centered for years and i get that made people upset, but now, i keep my mouth shut. i have no accountability because of whatever diagnosis you want to pin me with, but i am allowed to observe that i am not being treated fairly. Did dad really have to curse me out for going to Walmart for too long? like what the fuck? I got a job, and I've been paying my own way since for OUT OF POCKET medical expenses and my car, which add up to be just as much as rent with no car. tomorrow i run out of medication and I never know if that shit is going to cost 100 dollars or 300 dollars. Dad said he’d pay for my medication, but why does he grill me when I get a package in the mail? well i’m sorry that i bought my vitamins on amazon. or that i needed a shelf because my desk is a backyard party table. do you think that i’m fucking proud to be here at 27 years old? no. i got a job. It's at shoprite. you know what? i don’t care. college was a scam anyway. The amount of money I was making at the charter school, after student loans, was not much more than what I would be making working hourly at this job if I hadn't gone to college. 

i need to get the fuck out of this place. it is not healthy for me here. I am ignored. and for all the motherfuckers that are reading this posthumously when my journals are published whether i die in a car accident (which is 100,000 times more likely than dying of covid) or of old age, i will start recording myself to shove it up the ass of all who stole my credibility in their malice.

I JUST WANTED TO FUCKING JERK OFF (WHICH I WOULD HAVE FELT SHITTY ABOUT) AND THE DOOR WAS LOCKED AND YOU WANT TO GO TO BED AT 23:45 BRO WHEN YOU ARE UP UNTIL 03:00 ALL THE TIME? LIKE WTF????

and you know why no one gives a shit that i’m upset? because I don't show it. I just keep my mouth shut

[awkwardcostconerd]

051020 look on the palms of my hands i have graven you

The ontological argument doesn’t seem so absurd, especially viewed through the adaptations of Leibniz. If God is dead in my mind, does he exist at all?

I give up on things when they don’t go my way. Like this huge project I have been dreaming of all day to write an actually coherent thing to help people. So i sat in silence to help myself get started, and guess what, i just made thought vomit instead of getting coherent.

[awkwardcostconerd]

050620 random thoughts

 I have a heart of poverty. I know there is a hope to be hoped for, because I've experienced heaven here on Earth.

When I've been loved when I was nothing but an asshole. When I've been forgiven when I was nothing but stubborn.

[awkwardcostconerd]

cinco de mayo

I often relate my brain to constantly being at a redline, just ready to explode. After that then the engine of my brain needs a massive rebuild. rebuilt shit is not brand new shit. it doesn’t run the same. and i’ve burned out several times, but at least in the time periods in between i run mostly at a good pace. 

[awkwardcostconerd]

having one, this is what the mind of an optics graduate looks like.

a pretentious mess

my summary of the optics lecture in the past semester.