axelsaison-blog

[axelsaison-blog]

11:59PM

with one minute of your birthday left, i only have one more thing to say.

          I love you.                  & I always will.

jan.

PS: i hope i managed to maybe make your birthday at least a tiny bit special. i want you to feel how much i feel for you, and though this is by far not expressive enough of what lies beneath the surface of the i love yous i’ve spoken so many time, i hope that this gave you at least a tiny bit of insight into the mind of a girlfriend that loves her boyfriend more than anything on this entire planet.

[axelsaison-blog]

11:00PM

this day is slowly coming to an end and i’m so glad we got to spend it together, celebrating.. not your birth, but you in general. 

now how do we put an appropriate end to this beautiful day, how are we gonna find something to do that’s not too exhausting for this late hour.. but also special?

well, the hotel we’re staying at closes the pool around nightfall ( at least during the week ) and when i found out i was a little hm. upset. imagine a rooftop pool during nightfall. either way, i made the effort to talk to a few of the employees and after negotiations i’ve managed to be granted access.. it’s only for tonight and i’m not saying that it’s actually allowed, but we have a card to enter and so that’s what we’ll be doing.

let’s float together, let’s talk about the stars and the moon as we watch the night fall over the beautiful budapest. just us two, the budapest skyline, the water and the pool. let’s make the most of the rest of the day, okay? i want this to be a night you remember for the rest of your life. i want you to be happy, all of your worries to disappear - even if only for a short moment. 

just me and my little merman, together. i love you.

[axelsaison-blog]

10:00PM

being no expert at this whole relationship thing i made the effort of looking up how to be the perfect girlfriend ( once again ) and additionally how to make the perfect couple. upon doing that i stumbled across a website that put up a number of questions you should know about your partner for the relationship to be perfect and ever lasting, so here i am.. giving you an answer to the questions scientists ( or rather, people who work at these girly websites.. ) recommend i answer for you.

What do they regret about their family life? –– i regret leaving my parents to selfishly go after a career that in the end never worked out. i’m all for taking chances, but not when you have to leave behind the people that have supported you the most.

What foods can they absolutely not stand? –– i can’t stand fish and tomatoes.. and onions. i always have to order burgers and such without onions and tomatoes, i can’t even eat pizza with tomato chunks.

Do they shower in the morning or at night? –– both! i used to shower at night because it was more convenient and i need my shower after a long day to feel like im washing the “stress” off of me. but lately i’ve been struggling with feeling rested in the morning which is why i now shower in the morning as well.

How do they wind down at the end of a long day? –– i usually don’t have much time to wind down, but my evening shower is definitely a way. other than that, i like to nap (as you already know) and watch shows like modern family for a while. on weekends i sleep a lot, i like to read online articles and watch the news.

Do they drink every day? –– i do not and try not to drink a lot because i’ve had alcohol problems in the past. i used to drink every morning before i left the house to fight my anxiety, this was during trainee times and our debut. and it just became a habit i stuck with. when we disbanded it got worse and i wouldn’t go a day without being drunk. so therefore i’m careful about that now.

What is their biggest turn off? –– feeling like i have to convince the other to have sex with me. i want to feel wanted and needed in a way.

Do they want to get married? –– never thought i’d say this, but i can’t wait to get married. specifically to you.

What are they scared of? –– rejection, not being good enough. those are the two things, though the second one lies heavier on my shoulders. i believe that’s part of the reason why i am the way i am. i work really hard and take on too much responsibility because i want to be the best. i want to be good enough. i thrive on praise and doing what others expect me to do - if not more than that. 

What’s most important to them? –– you.

i only took a few of the questions and not all of them, a lot i knew for sure that you’d know the answer to so i didn’t bother including them. but i’m really trying to open up, i want you to know everything about me - just as you trusted me with your biggest secret. i’m willing to share all of my secrets as well.

[axelsaison-blog]

09:00PM

remember how earlier i mentioned henry and ahyeon? now i know that there’s more important friends in your life, one of them being nikki, a girl i was quite jealous of for.. a good while. but i talked to her now and she seems sweet. here’s a message from her to you!

from: nikki to: axel

Hey you, yeah you. Look at yourself - now back at me. Back to yourself and then again back at me. NOW BACK TO YOU -- you're so fucking amazing, Ax. Good job being one of the few people who can actually hold conversation and be continually interesting and worthwhile in terms of keeping you around. Thank you for all the time you give others (myself included) and for taking care of yourself since you're so important to this world. May your day be a good one and all days hereafter.

[axelsaison-blog]

08:00PM

if there’s one thing i have to thank you for, it’s the many chances you’ve given me.

those were by far the greatest gift i’ve ever received in the 20 years of being alive. i love you with all of my heart and the moment we got together, i made the quiet promise of holding your heart carefully, not to do any damage to it and to keep it as the most precious possession i own.

and yet i ended up getting too comfortable, careless even? you had to end things twice and that is something i’ll never be able to forgive myself for. 

i however try to view it in an optimistic and motivational way rather than a way to keep me down. it’s my third chance and you know what they say, right? three time’s a charm.

i’m determined to make this work - no matter what happens. i want you to be mine, forever. and i can’t expect you to stay without putting work into this. and for once, work is not meant to be viewed in a negative light here as the work i’m speaking of is work that makes me happy. working on this relationship is the most rewarding thing to me and it’s so worth it. 

let me make it my goal to fix the heart that i’ve scratched and to eliminate any and every of the insecurities i might have caused you. allow me to make you the happiest man. 

thank you for all the chances you’ve given me, thank you for loving me, thank you for trusting in me when people told you not to - and that for good reason. i’m not the best at this whole love thing, but i’m willing - so willing - to learn and to give it my all. let me prove that to you every single day for the rest of our lives.

[axelsaison-blog]

07:00PM

dinner time! now for dinner.. i first thought about cooking again - but the risk of food poisoning is too high. i think one self-made meal is all our stomachs can handle. and i got to thinking.. what else can we do on your birthday that’s special.

we could go out to a restaurant.. but that’s so.. standard. and i remembered the night we tried to order room service and i ended up too tired to wait for the food to get here. now how about we try again? i went ahead and ordered every meal they offered - and yes, i paid for it all with my own money ( it’s my time to spoil you! )

but another.. snack came to mind. and i remembered how you wanted to dine on this day, and your wish shall be granted. not to my dismay, i want you to eat me out. that took a while for me to just put out there because as you know, i’m a bit shy about speaking openly about sexual things. feelings? hard enough. sex? even harder.

there’s so many things i want to experience with you, so many things left for us to try and do. i want to experience it all with you, not just emotionally but also physically. there’s a lot of things we’ve already done.. but there’s still so much more to discover.

i want you to tie me up, completely at your disposal to do anything. i want to give you a lap dance and drive you into oblivion, have you so desperate to finally fuck me that you end up not being able to help yourself. i want to suck you off at a public place, as dark as possible, so that nobody can see. i want us to record ourselves, take pictures.. keep the memory of how good you can make me feel and how good i hope that i can make you feel. i want us to try it all, together. and i want to please you. 

not only today, but every day. i’m not saying we need to have sex every day, i’m saying that i want to please you - emotionally as well as physically - and whether that’s talking to you, kissing you, sleeping with you, or just laying with you lazily watching a movie. i want it all. and i want it with you.

[axelsaison-blog]

06:00PM

in the middle of preparations for your birthday, all i can think about is how much i love you and how much i want you to be happy and content.

some behind the scenes shots from preparing today! 

first one is me being unhappy with how i set things up ( you wouldn’t believe how many times i had to change things up.. ) and the second one is me thinking about you ( oooobviously hehe.. ). 

i really hope you like how this day is going so far. and i mean, it’s only 6pm. we do have a few more hours to celebrate, right? hope you’re not sleepy yet!

[axelsaison-blog]

05:00PM

what’s another very axel-y thing? come to think of it, i’m pretty sure that another part that defines you is the swimming - and i may not be an expert ( not even close ), an avid watcher or swimming competitions or really that sports type of person. but i am interested in what you do.

you have no idea how proud of you i am, not only for being successful but also just the fact that you chased your dream and work so hard for it. don’t think that all your work and effort goes unnoticed by me and i hope you know that every single time i say i want to come and see you at a competition, it’s a genuine thing i want to do.

i want to support you, cheer on you, let the crowd know who you belong to ( cause um. that snack in those way too tight swimming trunks? that’s all mine. )

so let me be that supporting suburban housewife ( except im not ) for you.

[axelsaison-blog]

04:00PM

thinking of a way to have even more of you..

no better way than to just buy a second axel!

do you remember this? it’s the dildo i sent you the link to.

quick description if you don’t remember: ❝Bad Dragon would like you to meet Axel. Our newest creation Axel has what it takes to become a valuable party member in your toy box. With girth and texture galore, Axel is certain to have some stimulating experiences in store for you.❞

and i can only confirm that the last part goes for you as well.

[axelsaison-blog]

03:00PM

you know what another thing i love about you is? - and this is kinda weird and wild cause it’s nothing something i’d love about anyone else.

it’s the teasing. 

teasing was how we started getting close ( remember when you called me fat the first time you saw me naked? don’t ever make the mistake of thinking i could possibly forget about that one of these days. i wont. ) and it’s how we still communicate - you just love to pick on me, whether it’s my bad memory or the fact that i’m not always the smartest ( astronomy.. astrology.. who cares anyway.. ) - and in return i like to tease you about your small hands or grumpy ass expressions.

it’s the little things that have just become a part of us and our relationship, the teasing and the loving moments - all of those come together and create what we have and i wouldn’t want to have it any other way. 

[axelsaison-blog]

02:00PM

baby it’s lunch time! and to make this day special i actually tried to cook.. now, i’m nowhere near as good of a cook as your mother is - and i doubt that i ever will be. but i really did try and i watched so many videos on the internet on how to make this darn dish!!

i actually had to go down into the hotel restaurant and beg them to let me use the kitchen - for some reason they all seemed scared to have me cooking there - but with my natural charm and outstanding beauty.. i actually convinced them.

so.. without further ado..

french cassoulet. i know you think that my memory is bad, but aren’t you impressed with me? i remember that you like this and i think i was gonna make you one of these for a past anniversary.. but we just ended up having sex while i was cooking and forgot about it - something like that. 

bon appétit!

[axelsaison-blog]

01:00PM

do you know what i admire most about our relationship? i admire the fact that the both of us are now finally at a point where we can talk freely.

it’s not that stage where we’re too scared of having an imperfect relationship, or where we’re too afraid to admit to our own faults.. due to our history we’ve both gotten to a point where the other knows what they’re about. you know my flaws, you know what i’m scared of what makes me insecure, what has me shy and flustered. 

you know and understand me and i never realized how important that is. yes, we haven’t had the perfect relationship - at least not according to what other people would define as perfect. we’ve had our ups and downs, our hardships and our honeymoon phases.

but isn’t that what a relationship is all about? the ups and downs? learning from your mistakes, improving yourself for yourself with the help of your partner? being loved and supported through hardships. maybe sometimes having someone point out your wrongdoings so you can do better in the future.

i love you and i promise to always be honest with you from now on. i don’t like talking about my feelings, that’s true. but i want us to work and it’s slowly coming to me that relationships don’t just “work” there’s a lot of work that goes into a good relationship. and i’m willing to put my entire heart and soul into this.

[axelsaison-blog]

12:00PM

from: ahyeon to: axel

dear axel, 

happy birthday! i hope you have an amazing day filled with everything (or everyone, or both!) you love and you get to do whatever you'd like. you're such a great friend and i can only wish the best for you and that you're made happy today, because you really deserve it! i love you lots and i want you to eat loads of cake or whatever else you'd like and not regret it one bit because BITCH IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY!!! have a good one!

love, ahyeon xoxo

[axelsaison-blog]

11:00AM

from: henry to: axel

Dear Axel, 

... that sounds actually kind of gay, but it's okay. We're sharing a bromance anyway, even if you're gonna deny it. But jokes aside, it's your day today — how did you say? The day you blessed the world with your existence? I don't remember what exactly you said to me, thankfully. But really, HAPPY BIRTHDAY! It sucks that you won't be here, but like I said; we should celebrate once you get back. I'm looking forward to it! And while I'm at it, I just wanna thank you for the friendship you've given me so far. When we first met I never thought I'd end up considering you as one of my closest friends, but from experience I can say that those are the best kind of friendships. The unexpected ones. You're a great listener and never fail to help me be realistic about things, especially when I'm having one of my paranoid moments. Which you actually understand very well, which makes me feel like less of an idiot during those times. I wanna thank you for that one, too. However, I'm so happy for how things worked out for you and deep down I always knew it'll be okay. I mean, I'm Henry. I know everything. 

Again, happy birthday and lots of heterosexual love, 

— Henry.

[axelsaison-blog]

10:00AM

now, to me you’re the most important person on this whole planet and if it wasn’t for you.. i don’t think i could be happy. 

but there’s more people that contribute and right now i’m thinking of two in particular.. do you remember the time we formed our little.. squad? henry, ahyeon, you and i. a bond that i hope never is broken up again. we laugh together, we shade and complain. we’re really two power couples, huh? 

our friend group is such a big part in my life and knowing that you get along with the two people i consider two of my closest friends is such a blessing to me, i really don’t know how i managed to live such a happy life. how i managed to find a boyfriend that i love conditionally and that makes me feel so loved - while at the same time i have friends who make me smile and laugh. even better when those friends get along with the love of your life, don’t you agree?

find out how much the both of them love you as well within the next two hours.

[axelsaison-blog]

09:00AM

not only have we been on a date together, we’ve done far more than that.

do you remember our vacations together? osaka, bora bora and now budapest? it’s funny how i truly want to see the world with you even though in fact, you are my whole world. i don’t need to go to fancy places to be happy, anywhere is heaven to me as long as i’m with you. 

i am, nonetheless, very excited about us going to greece together soon. and do you know what our next destination after greece will be? 

if you can’t tell what place this is just yet, let me give you some tips:

this country hosts more than 5% of the world’s biodiversity

its landmass only takes up .03% of the planets surface

there are 801 miles of coastline 

there are more than 121 volcanic formations

approximately 25% of the country has protected forests and reserves

can you tell yet?

[axelsaison-blog]

08:00AM

sometimes i catch myself wondering how it could ever happen to us that we broke up twice.. and though both of those times the both of us were hurting deeply, i do think that in the end they lead to a relationship that just keeps getting stronger.

we have a very strong bond and at this point i think that though obstacles might be on our way to Eternal Happiness, there’s nothing we can’t overcome now. we’ve really been through a lot together and even if there is another breakup ( which there better not be.. looking at you axel.. ) i’m hoping, praying to god that we’d be able to work that out as well.

i don’t actually believe there will be, but just in case.. a little tip on how i’ll be going about things next time: