axtvs

[axtvs]

May 25th, 2025

I know I've been silly for saying that, but this is me, who hasn't get the closure yet from you. I told you what's in my mind, yes of course you disprove. I know you are not that kind of person and this is just my overthink. You said that you'll hug me thight. Later on, this song from Tulus, one of your favorite musician come across my playlist. Tukar Jiwa. I've never heard this song intentionally but those lyrics hit me hard.

"Seandainya satu hari bertukar jiwa. Kau akan mengerti dan berhenti bertanya-tanya" 🎼

Ohh, you should've sung this song and sent me the voice note like you always do

[axtvs]

*Ngeliat dia ngetik-ngetik di HP*

👧🏻 : "Ihh parah, aku ngomong malah main HP"

*Dia pencet back berkali-kali banyak banget, sambil ngomong..*

👦🏻 : "Iyaa, gimana? lanjut lanjut. Dengerin aku tuh.."

👧🏻 : "Ahh males aku", buang muka

👦🏻 : "Hahaha, Emma..."

*Lanjut ngomong, gampang luluh hft*

[axtvs]

👦🏻 : "Pulang yuk, udah 22.20"

👧🏻 : "Belum mau"

Ak yapping terus, sambil ngeliatin dia yang udah merem tapi masih tetep respon :))

👧🏻 : "Ihh udah ngantuk yaa?"

👦🏻 : "Tapi kan aku masih nyambung diajak ngomongnyaa"

23.10

👧🏻 : "Yuk pulang"

👦🏻 : "Yuk" 💨

[axtvs]

For the first time in my life, I wish I could turn back time. Just to take care of you when you are sick. I am terribly sorry. We've wasted many hours, I know we both regret it. You should've said "Yes" while I should've went no matter what you say.

[axtvs]

November 30th, 2024

I dreamed about you this morning, after my subh pray. The dream was all about us, that felt so real, I could feel your touch, and I could feel you by my touch also. You met my friends, hanging out with them altogether, you asked me, "Is it okay If I join in?", I answered, "Yes, of course. You come with me, and it's okay. They also come with their partner, so.."

We planned to have a holiday with my friends, the car wasn't enough then we both went by your car. White H-RV in my dream. I saw your sister, and also, you met my father. You greet him with your big smile and I felt so much happiness when I saw that.

Us, walking hand in hand, I follow you sometimes, pinch your sweater and pull you to move, you and your whispers in my ears. That just feels lovely.

That was only just a dream, will it come true? Let's see!

[axtvs]

I am so sorry,

Being honest can't make everyone happy, including you

I am so sorry,

If I asked things that hurt your heart

I am so sorry,

That I didn't have a chance to say sorry to you

[axtvs]

2015

There was a time when I asked someone to take a photo together but he refused, because he thought his appearance was messy. Of course, at that time we had finished exercising and sweating. But, that moment seemed to traumatize me to be the first person to ask someone to take a photo together. Even though in the end he asked me to take a photo together at another time, in fact he often took photos of me secretly.

2024

9 years later and I'm still afraid of rejection if I ask for a photo together for the first time

[axtvs]

2021

I had a dream. It felt so real even when I woke up. I saw myself in a room, looked like a playroom for child. Painted cream to yellowish, wooden door, and a lot of toys. I hold a plate of food in my hand. I was feeling like I sat there on a small chair wearing house dress with messy hair and fed my child, waiting for him/her to come to me. Then you showed up at the door. Wearing shorts and t-shirt. From what I could see, you looked tired, sad, and hopeless at the same time. I was feeling like I already know what was going on since you showed up. I immediately understood. I felt bad for you, really. You came to me and leaned on me. At that time, I could feel what you felt, It was deep, It was hurt me like It hurt you. Then I woke up, heavy in my chest, the sadness still followed me to my real life. I didn't know what was that mean, but I thought of you the whole day.

2 weeks later, in real life

You reached me up out of nowhere. We haven't communicated for years, for more than 5 years. You asked me a favor. Ohh, trust me I would never agree to that If the person asking was another friend of mine. But It is you, someone who showed up in my dream two weeks ago and looked helpless. How could I deny?

I was thinking that dream might be a sign from god to help you. May be.

2023

I knew the only person I could ask was you. Only you. I trust you because of that one dream. If you denied, then I'll never take the chance. But fortunately, thank god, you agreed and I (both of us, actually) had amazing experiences that I probably never would have had if you denied.

[axtvs]

2024

It feels like a new beginning. I lost all the data from my phone since it needs to be reseted. There were a lot of memories there about "My first", such as my first business trip, my first experience fly with an airplane, or my first experience going abroad to Singapore. That is fine, I take it as a new beginning for my better future.

00.00

Last year I was at the office, but today I am home. Most of year at this time, I stayed in my bedroom. I could hear all the fireworks, but I did not see its sparks. But today, I am here, looking at the beautiful fireworks, admire it and pray for my days and years ahead. My tears are almost drop for my wishes. This is the first time I am doing this.

2024, for many new exciting starts, for a brighter future, for more growth, and for more any other good things in life 🎆

[axtvs]

I was 19 years old back then when I really want to get a scholarship to study abroad. Yes, master degree.

I was thinking so much, like "What if I married first then get the scholarship?" or, "If I haven't married yet then on my study I will get married, is that okay?"

Now those are sounds stupid, I didn't have any boyfriend at that time, why did I think so far? Why was I so confident as if I 100% will get scholarship abroad?

Now, I am 25 years old

My career is fine, opportunities are there but I think this is not enough. I can't just walk in the same place for years. I need to grow. I need to step forward, but doesn't mean I have to quit from this company.

Then my desire to take master degree comes back. As you know, once you find or open the ads on instagram, it will show you the same advertisement and yes, graduate school account coming over and over again on my account.

Weeks ago I found this university located in North Jakarta. It's quiet big and the atmosphere just like universities from other countries out there and I love it, I love the building. But, the admission fee is quite expensive for me. That amount of money for university that I haven't heard its name? Uhm, I need to think about it

Days ago, this graduate school account came in to my account. It looks interesting because it seems not too expensive for the university which famous for its expensiveness. I surfed on the web to get more information up till 2 AM in the morning. Its admission fee 3 million less than the first one, even though its semester 3 million more. But I think it's worth it. Very very worth it and worth to try. It is located in South Jakarta, at the golden triangle they said. The university will have an Open Day in 5 days since I post this, but I think I will come on the next Open Day, next year since I want to take the class on August 2024 and it still quite a long time.

This afternoon I got a whatsapp massage from its educational consultant and asked me if I still have anything to ask. Yes I have, but I don't want to reply it yet even though It said that I have a chance to get up to 30% discount for admission fee. I will get discount next year on Open Day, I believe.

I hope, I do really hope that next year I will have more luck and fortune so that I can apply this Master Degree (Artificial Intelligence/Data Science) at this Graduate School next year by God's blessing. This will be my number 1 resolution for next year. I hope it will come true. Aamiin.

[axtvs]

I'm not feeling proud of this title somehow

[axtvs]

Semua keputusan yang kita ambil, sudah menjadi tanggung jawab kita dan seharusnya kita sudah mengetahui baik buruknya dampak dari keputusan tsb. Jika memang berdampak buruk, jangan diambil. Tapi kalau memang diambil, jangan berharap atau mengandalkan orang lain untuk mengatasi hal tsb. Orang lain memiliki hak untuk menolak, jangan menaruh bebanmu ke pundak orang lain, apalagi sampai menyalahkan orang lain karena dia menolak untuk membantu.

[axtvs]

Same old questions, for years.

"How is he doing?"

"Are you guys still together?"

"When is your relationship over? Why?"

"Where is he? Is he here in Jakarta?"

"Where does he work?"

Ohh guys please stop, I have always told you that we are just friend. But you guys will not believe me, ehh?

[axtvs]

Let me go. I want to leave this place. I do not care anymore about every consequences you have said. I will take it if I have to. I am so tired with all of this bullshit, burden, and lies. I better go, for my own health, physically and mentally.

[axtvs]

Tidak semua hal harus dipikirkan pada saat ini, saya rasa juga belum waktunya memikirkan hal tsb. Perjalanan masih panjang didepan sana.