ayyyyytothena

[ayyyyytothena]

“Now that she had nothing to lose, she was free.”

— Paulo Coelho, Eleven Minutes

[ayyyyytothena]

“Jadi, kamu harus kuat, yaa?” - AJ 24/2/2025

Beratnya rasa menjadi manusia tanpa orang tuanya disisi.

Langit itu terasa sangat berat.

Setiap saat air mataku bagaikan mahu gugur.

Tabahlah wahai diri.

Tenanglah wahai hati.

Orang tua mu tidak mahu lihat kamu bersedih.

Sekiranya takdir boleh memberi sebuah lagi peluang untuk bersama mu,

mereka pasti akan memelukmu dengan lebih erat dan meyakinkan mu untuk sentiasa bangkit bersama wajah yang tersenyum bangga.

Tiada orang tua yang membesarkan permatanya untuk melihat mereka jatuh dan gagal.

Jadi, kamu harus kuat, yaa?

Supaya dapat bersatu kembali bersama selamanya.

[ayyyyytothena]

[ayyyyytothena]

“Another year around the Sun, 28th” - AJ 15/01/2025

I’ve spent the year mostly alone, all by myself.

Without you, them and any of us.

Alone, mostly all the time.

Just me, myself and I.

I survived alone.

No one knows what’s in my head and how it feels to deal with it.

There were times where uncertainty took place.

I was living in fear.

Not knowing if every decision I made was right for me.

I was doubting myself all the time.

It was a year where I pushed myself to the very best limit that I can.

I worked all the time just to regress everything that makes me sad to the bottom of my heart.

I feel it’s not worth it anymore to care and love someone who doesn’t see me the same way I did.

It’s the year where I finally put myself first.

In every big decision I made, I whispered to myself.

In each step I took, I played the pause button.

Took a moment to look at myself before I took another step forward.

It’s the year where I let go of something that makes me think I’ll regret it later.

But in God's plan, I trust His work.

Letting go doesn’t mean I’m losing everything with nothing I gain from it.

Rebirth, regain and reset.

It’s the year where I keep on looking forward.

Even though it is hard to walk away from the one that I love, it wasn’t mutual.

At least, I get to know what my worth is.

Lesson learned in approaching 28th, another year around the sun.

It’s the year of never being afraid of letting go and move forward.

Never be afraid when someone says “I’m fine without you in my life.” because you’ll be fine too without them.

God will replace it with something better.

2024,

The year where I spent the most of my time with the people at my workplace.

I’ve my children with me, they bring me joy and instill faith for me to push myself forward.

Colleagues, who are understandable and supportive.

This place has drawn beautiful pictures throughout the year.

A family that isn't drawn by blood.

Thank you for making my 2024 stronger and wiser, a place that makes me feel like home.

[ayyyyytothena]

“Takdir Sembuh Yang Sempurna” - AJ 27/12/24

“Masa tidak dapat menyembuhkan kita.

Rasa sakit itu akan tetap ada.

Yang menyembuhkan kita itu,

adalah kita sendiri.”

Kita itu satu jiwa yang sering merasakan ada sahaja yang tidak sempurna. Kesempurnaan itu sememangnya milik kita sejak dari lahir lagi. Perbandingan dari satu jiwa sama satu jiwa yang lain, tidak dapat memberikan kesempurnaan yang cukup.

Sering menyalahkan keadaan sekeliling untuk perkara yang boleh dikawal oleh sendiri. Dunia ini tidak akan berputar hanya untuk kita. Ia berputar untuk semua.

Belajarlah untuk berdamai dengan takdir yang telah ditulis untuk kita. Walaupun takdir itu, tidak seindah dan senada yang dimahukan. Menerima diri seadanya, itu kesempurnaan. Sentiasa rasa cukup, mudah dan tenang dengan apa yang berlaku dalam kehidupan yang penuh tanda tanya.

Ianya bukan kerja kita untuk mempersoalkan tentang rencana Tuhan buat kita. Diam dan hadapinya sahaja. Hiduplah dalam keadaan tidak mempersoalkan kerja Tuhan.

Tuntasnya, kerja Tuhan itu bukan bahagian kita untuk mengetahuinya. Bahkan bukan tempat kita untuk membahaskan apa yang terbaik buat kita. Jika takdir itu tidak sempurna buatmu, maka teruskanlah berdoa. Kerana doa itu dapat mengubah takdir. Tuhan itu Maha mendengar. Titip sahaja doanya. Jangan pergi jauh darinya. Carilah Tuhan mu didalam apa jua keadaan yang kita lalui.

[ayyyyytothena]

Ternyata semakin kita paham apa itu bahagia semakin kita sadari bahwa kebahagiaan yang paling baik adalah menemukan dirimu hari ini lebih baik dari hari sebelumnya.

[ayyyyytothena]

“Takdir Jodoh Yang Ditolak” - AJ, 7/7/24

Tiada lagi cerita kita untuk di lain hari.

Tiada lagi “Awak, apa khabar?”

Tiada lagi “Dah makan? Harini saya masak…”

Tiada lagi “Good night, jumpa esok baby”

Tiada lagi segalanya tentang kita.

Bila kata-kata itu diungkapkan untuk tidak lagi berhubung,

maka tidak akan ada lagi perhubungan.

Dia adalah takdir yang ku tolak.

Ku pohon pada Tuhan untuk menolak takdir bersamanya.

Berkali-kali Tuhan menunjuk pada ku bahawa dialah orangnya.

Berkali-kali jugak ku pohon pada Tuhan sambil menangis teresak-esak untuk mengambilnya jauh dari ku.

Akhirnya, pada raungan terakhir, Tuhan berkenan dengan doaku.

Menukar takdir yang aku tidak mahu lalui.

Kerana disetiap doa dan raungan ku,

Aku pohon agar jauhkannya dan dekatkan diriku pada Mu Ya Allah.

Diraungan terakhir, aku titipkan rasa takut aku akan kehilangan jauh dari Allah.

Maka, aku menolak dia dan memilih cinta yang tak pernah mengecewakan ku.

Yang sentiasa ada disaat aku terjatuh terduduk.

Dia sentiasa ada disampingku.

Dia ada disaat nyawaku berada dihujung nafas.

Dimata manusia, bodoh agaknya dia ni menolak jodoh?

Tidak mengapa, jodoh yang ditakdirkan padaku kerap menjatuhkanku.

Dunia ini luas, selagi Allah masih ada diingatan ku, aku pasti akan bahagia.

[ayyyyytothena]

“I’m Fine Thank You”

I heard you had someone else to replace me.

How does it feel like to finally found someone to replace that spot?

I hope you’re happy, I hope she treats you well as how you treated me.

It hurts a little for the first 5 seconds,

reality kicks in, I’m back to normal.

It’s okay.

You’re not wrong about you found someone as my replacement.

It’s your choice, I have no voice to against it.

Honestly, I kinda feel nothing when I first heard the news.

Seconds after the news, I feel happy.

Finally, it knock some sense in my head to push myself harder to move forwards.

It’s funny a little because why did I felt hurt when I was the one who chose to leave.

You know what?

It’s okay. Be happy with what’s in front of you.

Maybe, I was the walking red flag about us.

I was the toxic ones.

Because when I’m with you,

I finally realise that sometimes I can be pretty tough person to deal with.

I pushed you away at first,

And you pushed me back.

It is better for us not to stay together.

We’re just going to hurt each other despite we both know that we don’t want to leave us.

Be happy.

Learn the lesson carefully.

I’m fine, thank you for your time.

- AJ, 7/7/24

[ayyyyytothena]

“I’ll be fine if you leave me.”

You gave me the words, so I left.

Leaving you was the hardest decision I’ve made.

But I didn’t regret my actions.

You hurt me.

Disrespect me.

You don’t give a damn about me.

Everything in this relationship is only about you.

The closer we get together, the clearer I realise that I need to leave you.

I love you, I did.

But you broke me first.

Slowly, everything about you seems not convincing enough to me.

Even though I know that you’re trying to fix it but….

What else can be fix when there’s nothing to be fix?

Slowly, each seconds, you taught me every little things about you that I shouldn’t be holding onto anymore.

I miss you.

But I never regret that we’ve end things before we ruined the picture.

End it without storms and thunder.

Just grey skies and breezy day.

In case if you’re wondering “How are you?”

I’m good.

Sometimes I do have a glimpse of us but it fades away as reality kicks in.

You don’t have to worry about me anymore.

- AJ , 7/7/24

[ayyyyytothena]

“Distance doesn’t separate people. Silence does.”

— Jeff Hood

[ayyyyytothena]

2024 - AJ, 6/5/2024

2024,

I guess it’s the year where I started to push people away. I’m starting to reduce my circle, removing and downgrading those who are not worth my pain.

I begin to realize that I am the toxic one.

I’m the walking redflag in any sort of relationship that I had right now.

Rather than keep on walking in a relationship that causing pain to others,

It is better I’ll be the one who withdraws myself from their life.

Let it be me who is suffering with the pain.

I am strong.

I can handle this.

But oh God, please hug me.

I am too little for this big world.

Every bits of time, 

I choose to stay silent.

Because no words can explain what’s going on in my mind and my heart.

I have an anger within me.

But just because I am angry,

Doesn’t mean I have the right to be cruel to others. 

Hence, the best choice is to remove myself from things that are out of my control.

Lately,

I’ve been removing people around me, especially those who are closest to me.

Preparing myself to be all alone is a roller coaster ride but I know I’ll be able to walk out from this.

Just me and He is the one who I believe the most.

Be alone on my own,

Just living at my own pace of life.

Being off track from everyone I know.

Not dying, just removing myself from everyone’s life.

It’s only to take one’s courage to make the magic happen.

Like the gospel goes by "Speaking the words of wisdom, let it be." For what it meant to be lost is something that is good for you.

[ayyyyytothena]

" Letter to 27th: Surviving The Confusion " - AJ, 31/12/2022

I am sorry that this letter reached you a lil bit out of your time to shine.

I'm not going to talk bad about 26, she has been one of the strongest survivors within this confusing year.

But here's the story of her:

If you ask me "How I went through 26th safely without a splash of red?"

Honey, I worked so hard every second to breathe again on the next day.

By that, I'm pretty sure you understand how suffocating it was for me to survive just to live for another day.

There were so many chapters of confusion for 2023 : career, life, relationships, personal growth etc.

Yet despite all of those confusion, while experiencing suffocation, I survived! Yehet✨

Every single day, I cried.

Asking myself, did I made the right life decision?

Am I doing it correctly?

Those questions haunted me for days.

But there's beauty in pain, a rainbow after the rain.

Allah knows what's the best for me.

He made the road patchy & rocky with the ending that gave me calmness and peacefulness. Syukran Ya Allah🌻

There's something you need to know about the secret key to survive 26🤪

This year I didn't suffered in private, I have people who have supported me.

My patience & loyalty has been tested greatly.

Sometimes I glitched but these people helped me to go back on track.

They are the people that I met from the year before and the people that I am going to bring with me, with you.

My dear 27, I know it's going to be hard for you at some point of life but don't worry.

My mom didn't raise a loser, she raised a survivor.

You'll survive in the bitterness of life that end with the sweetness peace of mind.

There were times in 26 I thought the challenges were so hard for me to get over it, each time of it, go back to Him.

Whether in sweetness & bitterness of life, go back to Him. Choose Him first. He is always there for you.

Like He always did. He will always listen.

Last but not least, don't jeopardise yourself Aina.

Stay fresh Sunflower, there are people who still need you around to light up their days.

Bismillah 27🍀

[ayyyyytothena]

"2023" - AJ,29/11/2023

No one broke me.

I broke myself.

For letting myself got into a ring that I'm not preparing myself.

It hurts.

So badly.

No one knows how bad it hurts.

My loyalty was tested.

By so many levels.

Yet I'm still stand still at the same spot.

Didn't know when to move until it broke me.

I let it ruined me.

I let it play foolishly.

I didn't fight back.

I just let it be.

No one knows how many times I've killed myself.

To survive, every moment hurts.

To adapt,

every bits of my tears tells thousands of different stories.

Too many chapters to end,

Each time of it, I killed myself over and over again.

'Till it consumes me.

No one understands the struggles that I couldn't uttered it with words.

Let it bleed.

Let the pain touch the nerves until it numb.

People don't deserve me, so do I.

It's time for me to pack my bag and leave.

There's no use to stay when nothing is change.

Nothing to change, nothing to fix.

Live for another day 'till your time is up.

Carpe diem while I'm still breathing.

I'm done trying.

I'm done killing myself.

I'm just going to live.

'Till my time is up.

Then I'll bid my good bye to this grey skies.

[ayyyyytothena]

"Once"- AJ, 18/10/2023

It may seems like I don't care,

honestly, I do.

It may look like it's doesn't bothering me,

the truth is it does.

A lot.

It's annoying.

One side, it says "You're doing the right thing. You won't get hurt."

On the other side, actions speaks louder, telling me "What are you doing? Why are you wasting your time? Does this worth it? Can you do it?"

Too many doubts.

And it is tiring.

I don't know how much longer I can stand this.

Everyone too feel the same.

Got tired in protecting themselves.

I'm feeling it now.

For once,

I wanna feel how it feels like to be protected?

How does it feels like being appreciated without been taking for granted?

For once,

I wanna feel being love without I have to look for it.

To have someone to turn to & cry as much as I want without I have to consider their feelings when I'm at my lowest.

For once,

I wanted to be selfish.

I want all the attention to me, only me.

I want to cry like a baby.

I'm tired being an adult on my own.

It's tiring.

[ayyyyytothena]

From Palestinian poet Najwan Darwish

[ayyyyytothena]

"362KM" - AJ, 14/10/2023

You're my safe haven.

The void of emptiness that no one can ever replace it.

You've showered me with love & compassion.

You protected me with your wings.

Just to raise me up.

I'm already letting you go.

But it seems I can't get over you.

I don't want anyone to fill up that void.

Even if it has to, it has to be you.

No one else.

You're the haven that I miss the most.

The name that I whisper every single day.

The mother of my heart, my alligator I can't let you go.

I just can't do it.

You're the haven that I want.

You're the figure that I need.

Because whenever I've turned blind,

You know what it has to be needed.

I drove 362KM,

Just to experience it with you.

A quiet place,

Just you and me.

[ayyyyytothena]

'Atlantis' by AJ 9/6/2023

If only I could go back in time,

I would go back to those time where you are still alive.

I don't want to force myself remembering the scent of you.

It hurts.

I remember how painful it was.

'Till I prayed to God " Lord, please take this feeling away from me. I can't bear the pain. If forgetting you is the payment I should pay to remove this endless pain, please do so."

Too painful.

If only I know I'll be spending this short span of time with you,

I would hold you tightly and look into your eyes deeply.

My Atlantis, I've lost.

I lose you. I lose the grip of holding you tightly.

My Atlantis,

no one can ever bring you back to me.

So, tell me, how to make this feeling of emptiness go away?

I've been running,

yet I still can't find the ending.

Will it forever be this way?