azurephile

[azurephile]

“Please be patient with me. Sometimes when I’m quiet it’s because I need to figure myself out. It’s not because I don’t want to talk. Sometimes there are no words for my thoughts.”

— Kamla Bolanos

[azurephile]

“People grow when they are loved well. If you want to help others heal, love them without an agenda.”

— Mike McHargue

[azurephile]

sir stop being so cute

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I wish I could love more myself.

[azurephile]

Hi! It’s been ages I never check this platform out.

So, where to begin?

[azurephile]

he’s really out there looking like this

[azurephile]

so apparently feeling like something is going to go wrong is called “anxiety” and not “spider-sense”

[azurephile]

[azurephile]

“I think perhaps love comes from finding someone you feel utterly comfortable with, someone who makes you comfortable with yourself. It’s like finding yourself, or maybe it’s like finding the other part of yourself.”

— Candice Proctor (via quotemadness)

[azurephile]

200613 Weverse Translations

RM’s Post ❇️

시간은 정말 뭘까요? 이래저래.. 무던하게, 잔잔히 늘 왔다가는 것 같아도, 어느새 달라진 어느 바닷가의 바위를 보는 것 같아요. 짧다면 짧고.. 길다면 참 길고. 2010년 여름의 논현동 숙소 입주부터 서울에 온 지도 꼭 10년이 되었습니다. 이��는 정말 서울 시민이 된 것 같습니다.

방탄의 특성상, 예전과 처음의 우리 모습들을 정말정말 자주 목격해왔다고 생각했는데, 오늘 올라오는 데뷔 적 사진들을 하나하나 찬찬히 뜯어보니, 도저히 내가 알던 나 같지 않아 낯설고 생경했어요. 게슈탈트 같은.. 호일펌 랩몬스터로 모나게 데뷔해서, 그때가 워낙 세서 저만큼은 변해도 변한 것 같지 않다고 여겨왔는데. 웬 다른 시대 사람이 거기 서서 슬그머니 웃고 있더라구요.

음.. 오늘도 안무 연습을 하며 친구들과 참 많이 웃었습니다. 데뷔 직후에 꼭 그대들을 자랑스럽게 해주겠다던 패기 넘치는 편지 생각도 했습니다. 날짜라는 건.. 기념일은 정말 무료할 뻔한 삶에 특별한 이정표가 되어주는 것 같아요. 숫자만으로도 기분이 좋아진다는 건 참 신기한 일입니다.

저는 비로소 숨이 좀 쉬어집니다. 건강하게, 웃는 모습으로 같이 함께 달려올 수 있어 그저 다행입니다. 곁을 보면 훨씬 멋있어진 친구들이 보여 스스로를 다잡곤 합니다. 잡히지 않는.. 설명할 수 없는 몇 가지 뜨거운 것들은 7년이 지나도 똑같이 차오릅니다. 때로 그립기도 하지만 다시 오지 않을 순간들.. 그래도 그때라서 행복했고, 또 지금이라서 행복해요. 날선 모습들이 여기저기 붙여져 있어 조금 부끄럽기도 하지만, 어제의 나도 분명 나니까요 ! 오래 전 찢어버린 졸업앨범의 사진이 보고 싶어졌어요. (막상 보면 후회하겠지만..)

오늘도 범람하는 수많은 뉴스들을 보며 생각했어요. 7년 전, 십년 전의 세상과 지금은 무엇이 다를까. 그간 나는 무엇을 해왔나. 공허한 외침, 의미 없는 몸짓들.. 그러나 결코 그렇게 남도록 두지 않았던 지구 곳곳의 더운 사랑들. 여전히 마음 가득히 몸부림치는 무력감 속에서, 고작 제가 할 수 있는 것과 할 수 없는 것을 고민합니다. 이렇게, 저는 또 7년째 살고 있습니다. 저를 살게 해주셔서 감사하고, 끝���지 포기하지 않게 해주셔서. 정말 감사해요. 7년을 외쳤던 것처럼 열심히 해볼게요. 당장 내일 있을 방방콘부터 ! 아직도 여전히 저는 제 사랑이 전해지기를 바라고 있습니다. 사랑보다도 더 사랑합니다. 아미.

- 남준 https://www.weverse.io/bts/artist/1630188038839107

What is time, really? It’s like this and that.. Sometimes it seems like it comes and goes easily, calmly, as it always does; sometimes it’s like a stone in some sea that changes without anyone knowing. When it’s short, it’s short.. when it’s long it’s really long. From the time I entered the Nonhyeon-dong dorms in the summer of 2020, it’s been exactly 10 years since I came to Seoul. Now, it really seems like I’ve become a citizen of Seoul.

Given the nature of Bangtan, I thought I’d spent a lot of time constantly observing the way we were in the past and in the beginning, but as I looked steadily through the photos of our debut days that came up today, one by one, it was strange and unfamiliar because it didn’t seem like the me that I know at all. It’s like gestaltzerfall*.. Since I debuted as foil-permed Rap Monster who was hard to approach, I’d always thought that since that image was so strong, even if I changed that much it wouldn’t seem like I’d changed at all. But it seems like there was someone from a different time, standing there, smiling secretly at me.  

Um.. Today, as well, I laughed a lot at dance practice with my friends. I also thought of the letter I wrote right after our debut. It was overflowing with ambition, saying that I would make these people proud. These things we call dates.. It really seems like anniversaries serve as special signposts in this dull and predictable life. It’s a fascinating thing, that a mere number can lift your spirits.

Finally, I can breathe a little. Being able to run together, healthy and smiling, is a blessing in itself. As I look around me and see my friends, who have become so much more amazing, it often helps me pull myself together. There still are some heated things that can’t be grasped.. that I can’t explain, that continue to rise up even after 7 years. Moments that I sometimes miss but will never return again.. Still, I was happy because of those times, and I am happy because of the present. Even though it’s slightly embarrassing that these images of me, sharp and unrefined, are put up here and there, still, the me of yesterday is still clearly me ! I’ve grown to want to see the photos in my graduation album that I ripped up long ago. (Even though I’ll probably regret it if I actually do.)

Today as well, as I looked at the deluge of news, I thought. What is different between the world of seven years ago, ten years ago, and now? What did I do in that time? Empty shouts, meaningless gestures.. Yet in the end, the burning love from all over the world that never let them just be that. I still struggle with the helplessness that fills my heart, agonise over what a mere person can or cannot do. And so, I live another seven years. Thank you for making me live, for making me not give up till the end. I am really thankful. Just like I’ve shouted for the last seven years, I’ll work harder. Starting right away with BangBangCon tomorrow! I still, as always, hope that my love will reach you. I love you even more than love. ARMY.

- Namjoon

(T/N: *Gestaltzerfall is a German term referring to the feeling you get when you look at something for so long, it starts to lose meaning. The term comes from the words ‘Gestalt’, meaning ‘form or shape’ and ‘Zerfall’, meaning ‘breakdown’ or decomposition’. It is a psychological phenomenon wherein a concept or object becomes disconnected from the ‘whole’ and decomposes into its constituent parts.)

Trans cr; Faith | Spot checked by Mary, Aditi @ bts-trans © TAKE OUT WITH FULL CREDITS

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[azurephile]

[azurephile]

"Sometimes you think you want to dissapear, but in fact you just want to be found"

-

This quote hits me hard.

[azurephile]

“Sometimes suffering is just suffering. It doesn’t make you stronger. It doesn’t build character. It only hurts.”

— Kate Jacobs

[azurephile]

I.. I don't know what I'm going to do in life.

Everything has become repetitive.

[azurephile]

bli2s_

[azurephile]

imagine how powerful i would be if i felt completely comfortable with my body and mind and actually had a sense of self esteem

[azurephile]

Usia

Kenapa tak pernah ada yang bilang ketika usiamu berkepala dua, berarti hidupmu akan sering dibolak-balik realita.

Usia yang dianggap dewasa, namun belum cukup untuk menjadi seutuhnya manusia.

Dulu aku bertanya-tanya tentang kalimat, "selamat datang di realita" ketika selesai menuntaskan sarjana. Yang sekarang baru dapat ku terjemahkan; Selamat bertanggungjawab atas dirimu sendiri. Selamat memikul dunia di pundakmu, menjadi manusia yang diandalkan dalam menanggung hidup makhluk lain. Selamat menjalani hari-hari penuh birokrasi dan surat-surat legal atas identitasmu. Selamat mencari-cari arti eksistensi diri sendiri. Selamat memilah siapa-siapa yang akan selalu kamu jaga hingga nanti. Selamat bertarung atas diri sendiri.

Mengapa tak ada yang bilang, memasuki usia dewasa kamu jadi tak mengenali dirimu sendiri? Ambisi, angan, teman, kegemaran menjadi kata yang asing. Aku ulang berkali-kali dan mencerna semua. Mengapa dulu dengan mudahnya ku genggam sempurna? Sekarang untuk memulai percakapan saja, aku memutar otak berkali-kali. Agar tak dijustifikasi, agar tak terlihat lemah, agar memberi kesan baik, agar-- lihat? Bahkan diriku menghakimi diri sendiri.

Manusia menjadi semakin kompleks. Aku menjadi semakin takut menuangkan yang ku rasa dan ku pikirkan. Karena semuanya vokal. Semua merasa tidak boleh saling bersinggungan namun tetap ingin ikut campur.

Kepalaku menjadi penuh setiap hari. Berusaha untuk mencari diri sendiri namun tetap harus menjalani hari-hari normal. Menjadi biasa-biasa saja. Tidak terlalu mencolok, tidak juga dilupakan.

Menjadi asing dengan diri sendiri. Serangkai Impian yang dulu tersusun rapih, kini hanya jadi kalimat yang tak ku mengerti. Mengeluarkan isi kepala bukan lagi jalan utama berbincang dengan diri. Seiring dengan seringnya ku lihat tulisan lain yang lebih layak dipertontonkan, aku tidak lagi menulis untuk keluar dari dunia, tapi menulis untuk menunjukkan aku punya kelebihan. Agar si aku lebih dihargai sebagai manusia; Kawanku si kata, jadi berantakan dan tak bernyawa. Si aku, teralienasi dari raganya sendiri.