azusaru - Tumblr blog

[azusaru]

something i really want is a person who loves me. it doesn't even have to be romantic, but i really would like someone who'd prioritize me. someone who i could be honest with. that's why i started to love valentine's day; i realized that it isn't a cringy holiday. it's a beautiful holiday where you can celebrate friendship and all your relationships.

to be completely honest, i'm jealous of people who have someone like that. why couldn't it be me? why not? i'm trying really hard to make friends right now but no one is listening. everyone already has a group of friends and a best friend. even online, on the internet, my source of comfort. i changed myself so much to the point where i don't know who i am anymore, so how come i didn't get anything in return? how come i didn't get a reward for my hard work and pain? im trying, im trying so hard. A is the closest thing i have to a genuine friendship but i feel so scared to message them, i'm scared that i'll grow close to them and then they'll become a stranger again like J and M.

[azusaru]

im so tired of acting like im happy at school. at school, im a completely different person. i try to act compassionate and kind so my classmates will like me (even though i hate them) because i need attention so desperately. i get so hurt and insulted by their "jokes", they think its okay to harass and ridicule me all because im the "smartest" and "nice". aaaaaall my classmates act like im their friend but we're not fucking friends!! EVERYONE LEAVES ME AT LUNCH and all my classmates see, and thats when their true colors come out. they really dont give a fuck about me. i sit by myself after everyone at my table left, and its so embarrassing and humiliating, because the table i sit at is right in the middle of all the popular kids, so they were always looking at me, they probably saw me as a pathetic loser who had no friends. And to be honest, thats exactpy what i am. i could never even move to sit with the people i wanted to sit with!!! I CANT TALK AND I CANT COMMUNICATE PROPERLY. ALL I COULD DO WAS INSULT THEM AND ACT LIKE I DIDNT CARE BUT I CARED SOOOO SO MUCH!!! I did that to cohen even though i wanted to be closer with him so badly but i just pushed him away and was a jerk to him, and now he doesnt eat lunch with me anymore, now I dont even have a single class with him anymore. it honestly might be my fault for the most part, everyone doesnt wanna be my friend because i act like a sassy little bitch to everyone when they dont give me the attention i want! Yes maybe im mad about how my classmates use me and trample over me, and how they make fun of me for being upset about my grades!!! they make fun of me for wanting to get high grades yet they still beg me for my help!! Theyre so fucking hypocritical and i hate them so goddamn much!! how am i supposed to trust anyone?? they already had their little cliques and groups a long time before i came to this school, cuz i cant even fit in anywhere even if everyone is "nice" to me!!! even if i can talk to many people in several different friend groups it doesnt even matter because i dont have a friend group where i fit in. theyre such users, theyre so fake!!! they put on their cute uwu "cwan yuu hewlp me??" masks to fucking GUILT TRIP me because they take advantage of the fact that i feel like shit if i cant help people, because THATS MY ONLY SOURCE OF VALIDATION. they use it against me!!!! only want me when they need my help with their academics. they only want me when they need answers. they only want me when the hw is too hard for them. they only want me when they dont understand the material. they dont want me. so stop saying youre my friend, stop using me to boost your fucking ego. fuck this, fuck you, fuck everything, fuck everyone.