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Beach Life…

DOWNLOAD: Living Room: Outdoor Plants / Door / Plantstand / Couch 1 / Couch 2 / Coffee Table (Living Room Set: Keep it simple) / Branches / Windows  / Bird Statue (Dining Room Set: Connection) / Rug / Tiny Lights / Blinds / Living Chair / Wall / Floor / Ceiling Beam / Curtain / Candles / Cushion (Kids Room Set: Donut)

Dining Room: Table / Sofa / Chair (Kids Room Set: Magical Place) / Curtain / Windows / Wardrobe / Pancakes and Blueberries / Milk / Cushion 1 / Cushion 2 / Cushion 3 / Table Lamp / Birdcage / Door / Ottoman (Outdoor Set: Spring Aroma) / Floor / Rug / Wall / String Lights 1 / String Lights 2 / Northern Lights / Plant 1 / Plant 2 / Plant 3  

Bathroom: Bathtub / Steps / Sink /  Plant 1 / Plant 2 / Hanging Plant (Outdoor Set: Green time) / Pebbles / Floor / Fake Door / Rug / Mirror / Wall and Tissue Box - EA (Base Game) Towels and Spa Decor - EA (Spa Day GP) / Table  

Picnic: Placemat / Pancakes and Blueberries / Milk Glasses / Flowers / Potted Plant

Kitchen: Windows / Sink / Wall Decals / Counters / Wall / Plant 1 / Plant 2 (Outdoor Set: Green Time)  

Palms

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05/10/2017

Well..Bronco read my past blogs. He wasn’t too happy about it. We talked about it and he explained but he kind of took it wrong...he thought I said “nene” or “carino” to get attention and because he’s only into Latinas. That wasn’t the reason. I wanted to be cute and I know he would like those, but he didn’t show that he liked it, but when someone else says it, who is Latina, he gets all cute about it and returns the favor. I was just trying to be cute...I tried to tell him that’s not why I said it. I don’t know if he believes me or not, but that’s not what I was trying to do. I love saying some stuff in Spanish and I just wanted to be cute and spice it up a bit. I feel like he thinks I do too much to grab his attention? I don’t know. And when he says, “Because they have big boobs,” My confidence level drops because I feel like what I have isn’t worth it. I start hating myself. I guess because of my past? Like guys said so much to me because they weren’t quite “satisfied” with what I got. They would say, you should lose a little more weight, (I was 132 lbs bitch -_-), I should wear thongs, I should shave, I should have my hair like this. Like my ex, he would be like, “If only they were like this, they would be so hot.” I laughed but inside, I’m like this fucker...lol. I just never had guys who loved me for me, for what I got. Whenever I like someone and say things like that, I would think about others and look at myself in the mirror. 

Sigh...I don’t know. I would always think maybe I’m not meant to be with someone, because they want so much from me. They want me to be like this person then I would get mad, and argue saying, “Then why the fuck are you with me! If she’s better then go to her, why deal with someone you don’t like!” Yupp, happened before. I would compare myself to other girls and say just go to her. I even prayed to God saying, “Since you take over my life, please whatever you have planned about the guy in my life, please, don’t let me meet him. It won’t be worth it because they’ll all be the same. So God, please don’t plan on putting someone in my life. Please.” Sigh...I’m gonna stop here, don’t want to cry again.

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Well...looks like she likes him and he’s interested. Cool

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04/04/2017 to 04/13/2017 d:

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04/13/2017

Sigh..well me and Bronco had a heated discussion yesterday morning. Idk why I was so angry...its his words that got me all mad...like he took things in a bad way..on top of that he never pays attention to me. I told him last week that I’m off after Monday. Since I’m PMSing, I got pissed, like read my messages, don’t skim it. Like am I not worth your time anymore? After he went back to work, something felt fishy. So yes, I creeped into his farm and I really do think he’s interested in this woman. He called her nena...I thought he calls a girl nena when they mean a lot to him, like someone speical or someone who deserves it but they don’t know each other. Why do I think that? Because he loved M, called her “nena” and this other girl from his card, who I thought was his ex girlfriend, but wasn’t. I thought he would call a girl “nena” for someone he’s really into you know? I guess, only the ones who deserve it are called “nena”.

 Last blog, I said he better not be asking girls for kisses since its my thing, vid wise. But guess what, he did with this girl, but message wise....something he says to me...really? He told me he doesn’t say the same thing to other girls...idk. I was just upset that he asked for a kiss. They barely know each other...when he said that, I was thinking about the time we first met how he asked for besitos. Maybe mine aren’t as good as they used to now, like its not cute anymore. All these things...I feel like his only preference is Latinas..idk. I guess he likes her now...since she’s his new nena. If he read this...and talks to me about it, I want the truth, even though I’m sensitive, I rather hear the truth than a lie about how he feels about her. Like don’t lie or make stuff up to make me feel relieved. Or to feel like it’ll protect my feelings. I want the hardcore truth. I’ve been with liars almost all of my life and it broke my heart when I found out the truth on my own. It hurts a million times more than a truth. Atleast the truth, will make me feel a little more comfortable.

Plus he said he’s not leaving..but Idk...I think sometimes he would regret his decision when he said, “Oppa is hooked now (: Not going anywhere.” I wanted to ask but I feel like he’ll get angry at me because I’m bugging him from what he told me.

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04/04/2017 Continuation

So yeah, I feel like I’m not good enough for him. So I haven’t helped him on farm. I didn’t even start shit because I don’t want to jeopardize our friendship over a girl he’s just using to get off to. So for the past weeks, I tried so hard to think that those girls don’t exist. It’s pretty hard...but I’m trying. But lately, I feel like our relationship is kinda changing...Bronco doesn’t see it, maybe because he’s busy doing something else. Like after that girl, I feel like Bronco is slowly trying to avoid me. Like Bronco, man, he was sexy, spontaneous, charming, cute, just ugh. He’s the type of guy who would make my heart beat fast. Like that’s how deep he went into my heart. But he’s barely like that anymore with me..and its sad...

So, I’ve been down and noticing that, so I tried to spark up the cuteness you know? He likes pet names, like papi, oppa etc. So I called him nene, cariño, and papacito. He usually gets all cute and blushy but he didn’t really acknowledge them...like when I make a vid and used cariño or nene...he didn’t say much. I mean those words are cute you know, I would love for a guy to call me nena or cariña. Sigh...he did call me that one time long time ago though..but I thought he was moving too fast when he called me nena one time. Anyways, he did say mi coreana which was pretty cute and I loved it. But hey what about when I call him stuff like that...I felt like whenever I say them, he blocks it. And yesterday..I helped him on farm, and I noticed something, he wanted to be called nene by someone else. So I guess me calling nene is out of the list, like its taken or claimed...if she does..of course he would prbly make her the new nena or call her nena sigh..fml. And he looks interested in getting to know her...

Omg, he lags so much these days....now we don’t talk a lot in a day. I mean, one reason is him not fixing his damn sleeping schedule, so I let that “after work nap” slide. And he doesn’t really share anything anymore. Like he tells me laaaaaater. Like he’ll be up and an hr or 2 later, he’ll tell me he was here or there. Like he doesn’t really bring me in like he used to you know? I don’t feel as special as I used to be. It feels different. And now he’s saying I should stop being toxic...ouch. Sigh...and whenever I tell him these things...he just says, “You’re fine lol” like come on...I wanted more than just “You’re fine”. That kind of answer feels like that person doesn’t really care about you. Like at least think, like she feels this way? I didn’t think something was wrong. Like make a conversation about it you know? I like to talk. Communication is key people. 

 Anyways, yeah, he wanted me to vent out but I can’t just take “You’re fine” as the result. Sigh...I guess I’m just too much or I approach or do things too much and its scaring him..idk. I mean there’s something you should know, when I’m in love, I’m IN love. I give my all. And does he see that? Idk. Like I guess I’m feeling these things and kinda noticing it because of my actions. And because of all this, I feel like I’m not his Korean Princess anymore ):. Which is why I would ask him to remind him what he used to say to me and if that statement he made was true...sigh...man this all happened after that big cracked chic...I feel like I did the damage..like I said to my ex back then. I feel like everything I touch, I end up destroying and maybe it’s following me again with him and I don’t want to destroy it. Please, God help me sighh

PS: Sometimes I would feel sorry for him to meet someone like me. Who would always cry, trip out on some things, feel insecure, and take things serious all the time. My past relationship made me who I am today. I’m basically taking my ex’s traits, even my friend says so. I would feel maybe Bronco did better before he met me. He told me, never. But all the things I put him through...I would feel bad because he probably didn’t expect me to be like this. Idk..I really just want to go on my knees and apologize for all of this. I’m so sorry. 

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04/03/2017

Its been a while lol. Well, for the past two months, I wasn’t really feeling it. Just been crying and crying. Some days, I would smile but I would break down so easily. Well, in February, it wasn’t that bad, just mainly cried over school and how I felt alone. But in March...wow. Okay, I did mostly cry about school again. Anyways, the main reason for this entry is because of Bronco. I guess it was 2 weeks ago? He was talking to this girl who got big racks. Like they were all up on her face. Anyways, Bronco and I play this game called Big Barn World and I noticed her helping and in my head I was like, “Oh lawd, Bronco found his prize...-_-”. So one day I was creeping, I looked at hers and saw Bronco commenting and I was shocked at what he said. We talked about this btw. After what I saw and how she was smothering all over him, I was like ew..So I haven’t helped him on farm because I didn’t want to look at her. We already talked about it and he mentioned about it the next day, “I know you saw the comment of her saying I’ll text you.” I was like really...and he was saying all these things and in my head, I’m thinking, okay just an fyi, he and I used to be all naughty and showed me his “aye papi” parts lol. The last time he showed me was in January...and now its April....mhm. And the thing is...what’s kinda connecting is that, ever since I bought a dildo, he doesn’t show it anymore...so I don’t know what’s up with that. Anyways back on track, so I was thinking wow...you rather show other girls than me? And he was making excuses saying it’s just because I haven’t. In my head, I’m thinking maybe he’s not as attracted as he used to be. Maybe I’m not fun anymore or maybe I don’t know how to get him turned on. And omg after I mentioned all of that he said, “But she has big boobs,” I was turned off...like I lost confidence with with body I have. He used me make me feel good about the body I have and since he said that....I feel like my body is nothing to him, but he said, “I rather have you than any of them.” So I was kind of relieved? about what he said. But at the time, I feel like I’m not good enough for him. I don’t turn him on anymore.

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08/10/2016

Okay, I had a sweetest dream. I was really jealous of M because Bronco likes her. So, I got upset about it and Bronco just couldn’t understand why because they’re not dating or anything. And I said it’s because I wish you can like me too. So he sighed and made something for me. And omg......it was sooooooooo gawd damn sweet. He made some sort of animation saying that he likes me more than he like M and that he just didn’t want to show it. He was saying, I do like her, but you, you’re someone who is very special to me and you hold a place in my heart. And then he said my name was hidden in this disney princess name, Belle. He was explaining how I’m Belle lol. That part was really random. And in the animation, there was balloons that spelled out Belle because it represents me lol and when I saw that. I cried because it was so sweet. And I replied that I’m crying, this is the sweetest thing that anyone has ever done for me. And then I woke up 

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07/27/2016

What am I suppose to do now...this is just too hard

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07/22/216

Just had an emotional break down today. Me and Bronco were kinda going at each other and that just made me upset because I didn’t want to start anything. I wanted peace. But whatever I say, it always ends up being a war. Whatever I say or do, I always mess it up. When I said this to myself, it made me think about what Buddaboy said to me. He didn’t really say it, but he meant it like, “Whatever you’re trying to do, something on your own, you mess up.” And the more it repeats in my head, I start to believe it. 

I really want to just...escape from all this. Go somewhere, fckin far, where there’s no one around me. NO ONE. Just me and nature. And ponder. Look at something that’ll ease my mind.

Sigh.....I really can’t take this anymore. I wish I never existed. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t be like this. Going through pain and feeling lonely. I would be happy if I wasn’t here. Then all of the stuff that I did or do would never happen. I feel like I don’t belong or deserve to walk on this Earth. Dear, Life, why do you have to be so goddamn difficult.

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You can't lose what you ever had, you can't keep what's not yours, and you can't hold on to something that doesn't want to stay.

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Inside she's a wreck. When you see her she looks perfectly fine. Deep down her mind is a mess. When's she's with you she looks happy. When she's alone she's fragile. This girl is full of dreams, she wants to escape her town, meet new people, travel, explore the world, and go on fun road trips at midnight. And perhaps one day she'll be truly happy.  And when you ask her, "Are you ok?" For once she'll say, "I'm fine." And it wouldn't be a lie.

A.E

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7/10/2016

Today, I watched The Secret Life of Pets and it was cute and funny haha. While I was watching it, I was leaning my head with my palm on the side of my face, towards the empty seat. When i did that, I imagined something, fantasized. I fantasized Bronco sitting in that chair and me leaning on his shoulder, wrapping my arm around his arm. I was sitting with my legs curled up on the chair and he had his arm wrapping around my thigh area. Suddenly, I looked at him, and he was concentrating on the movie and then looked, his eyes were still on the screen though. Then he turned, I smiled. We went for a kiss, not deep kiss, gotta keep it PG13 in the theaters guys lol. And then I had butterflies in my stomach. From there, I snapped out of it because I had some sort of sensation in my “woohoo” area lol. It was just too cute and then I thought to myself, like damn.....too bad its not gonna happen...when stuff like this happens, I used to say “someday” but now...I feel like the chances are soooo fcking low. 

The reason is is because of what Bronco said...I told him I’ve been saving money so I can meet him this year, but he said don’t. He told me to keep saving it. And I’m like....why. Few months ago, he was okay about me coming in November, and now, he doesn’t want me to? I don’t know if it’s because he doesn’t know what to say to M about it or maybe the aftermath, like what’s gonna happen when I leave...I don’t know. Like he says all these things like he imagines me in his life, that I could be the one for him and all that, but when he says this....When he does that..how would i feel or think? I would think that they weren’t true. He’s such a confusing guy...I think he’s just so unsure because of sigh....her (M)...I don’t know. I really wanted to meet him and be close, but I don’t think he’s down for that at all. 

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